Don't worry, this is their final column

Thoughts from the Doghouse

You know when you’re in class, your mind starts to wander, and you come up with weird thoughts like, “When are these two morons going to call it quits? Enough is enough already.” Well, we decided to write them down. Enjoy.

• In order to address some of the rumors circulating, yes this is our last column, and no we did not have a falling out, even though Alberto is a pompous, egotistical S.O.B. (Alberto: “Look you f***ing prima donna, you’re not going to hold me back any longer. I’m dumping you like Lionel Ritchie dumped The Commodores.”)

• To those who’ll be looking for a job, here’s three things you should never say in an interview: 1) Define sexual harassment. 2) So you want me here at eight in the morning, and you want me sober? How about one out of two? 3) How often are these random drug tests? I’m going to need an exact date.

• “New York Minute” hit theaters last weekend. Guys, before you see this movie, remember—they’re still 17! Ya bunch of pervs! (Alberto: “My buddy Chris said that even though the dialogue was kinda cheesy, the movie wasn’t half bad.)

• Professors: Telling us what Scantron to use and how many questions are on the final is not considered a review.

• Alberto’s Tips on Drinking: Guys, we all know those girly drinks taste great. Here’s how you order one without losing your dignity: Buy your girlfriend an Appletini or whatever, have her take a few sips and then act like she doesn’t want any more. Then you swoop in with your “can’t waste alcohol” face and slam it down. Note: This only works if you have a date. Ordering a drink for a girl you don’t know and trying to steal it back doesn’t work. Believe me, I tried.

• Johnny Rocket’s plus sex equals Hooters.

• Ryan’s Thought of the Week: Damn, those little white powdered donuts are good. The only bad thing is that after you eat a couple, you start to look like Al Pacino in the last scenes of “Scarface.”

• Every class has at least one token old guy. These are the students who you mistake for professors. (Alberto: “Good luck trying to schedule a group meeting with these people. After they drink their Metamucil, they’re usually in bed by 7:30.”)

• Admit it. We’ve all had a professor who looks like he rocks the ganj.

• Don’t you hate going to class and seeing a note on the door that says, “class canceled,” only to realize it’s for a completely different section? The only thing more disappointing is Erik Estrada’s acting career.

• Ryan’s Final Thought: It’s been fun. I’ll never get tired of walking around campus, hearing strangers yell out, “Dude, your column sucks!”

• Alberto’s Final Thought: I’m not really good at saying goodbye. In fact, I’m a man of few words. Of course, most of those words are four letters.

• We hope you enjoyed this break from the usual political garbage. If you’re wondering how we kept this up for two semesters, here’s three topics that always manage to get a laugh: Drinking, sex, and Britney Spears. Hmmm, that actually sounds like a decent Saturday night.

— These columnists can be reached at collegian@csufresno.edu