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Farewell Column: Simple Text

By Joshua D. Scroggin

In an attempt to keep it fresh, this column has gone through many incarnations.

And even though it’s time to say goodbye, this columnist is proud to say he’s going out by doing something he’s never done before—capsules.

I went from Josh to The Spectator, then Simpletext. Now I am Josh-tradamus.

I’m going to tell you what stories will make the biggest news in Fresno State sports next year—by focusing my chi.

The predictions are as follows:

• The Fresno State football team will end its season with a win in the Silicon Valley Football Classic in San Jose. OK, so that wasn’t such a tough guess, but here’s the big surprise. The field won’t be as muddy, and the Bulldogs will play the Big 12’s Texas Tech.

• One more school will leave the Western Athletic Conference, making the league an even-numbered collection of eight teams. But before the rumors hit the Bark Board (too late), let me say it won’t be Fresno State bolting for the Mountain West. San Jose State will leave the WAC when it demotes itself from Division I. The only team who’ll miss the Spartans will be whoever usually finishes next to last.

• Unfortunately, Terry Pettis won’t be able to demote himself from the front page. The former Bulldogs point guard will be headed back to Fresno after having a warrant issued for his arrest. All right, this one’s not really a prediction since it already happened, but expect to see Pettis a lot next year—please don’t make him mad. For the record, I think Pettis is a good guy.

• Speaking of basketball, even though the men’s program got a couple scholarships back from the NCAA, they don’t have enough former Tarkanian recruits to make a run during March Madness. Moose can’t do it all by himself. (To Moose: You’re going to have to do it all by yourself.)

• The cheerleading team will not be able to recruit anyone strong enough to run upright while holding the gigantic Bulldog flag that spent most of the past year lying slumped in the stadium grass and draped over the players entrance in the Save Mart Center. There’s $10,000 that could have gone to saving the dance team.

• The dance team will get in line to sue the university—right behind USU Director Diane Milutinovich and Shana Eriksson’s mom, Karan. But there won’t be any money left to pay them after the budget cuts. The university will be forced to get rid of every department except art, food/nutrition, music and geomatics engineering—you know, for the athletes.

• Both tennis teams will be made up almost completely of international players. This one was true this year, too. So it’s not really a prediction either, but it took almost a half an hour to come up with that one.

• The men’s soccer and women’s swimming and diving team will need a miracle to make a return to Fresno State. They’ll get it when Super Jesus takes over as head coach of both programs with his pink cape and roller blades—as long as he doesn’t sun stroke himself.

• The student basketball ticket committee will be unable to devise a plan to make sure non-students aren’t stealing real students’ seats. I got one last season and an old man with an all-access pass was sitting in my folding chair refusing to move. He didn’t even cheer. Where was Brent Hansen at then, huh?!

• Softballer Christina Clark will break the career record for home runs—as a sophomore. I actually made this prediction March 17, but got a “no comment” from Margie Wright so it wouldn’t ruin Clark’s concentration. Clark has hit 11 home runs since, is tied for the record with 36 and Wright will decide not to comment on any Bulldogs players until they graduate.

• Intramurals will get a huge increase to receive 95 percent of associated students funding, yet still will fail to provide footballs for its participants. The policy will also be “bring-your-own basketball, softball and soccer ball.” It should be bring-your-own referee.

There you have it—one last Simple text for the road. I don’t honestly think any of these predictions will come to fruition. But if they do, remember that I told you so.

Read The Collegian. Then you’ll know.