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Wits
RECREATIONS.Selected from the finest Fancies
of Moderne MUSES.LONDON,
Printed by R. H. for Humphry Blunden
at the Castle in Corn-hill. 1640.
2
btew
OctoK 8. 1639.
Imprimatur.
MATTH. CLAY.
To the Nobly accomplished
FRANCIS NEWPORT,
Esquire,Sonne and Heire to the Right Worshipfull
Sir Richard Newport Knight and Baronet.SIR,
HOping your graver studies will admit,
As Recreations, mirthfull streames of wit,
I boldly here present a small Collection,
Of various fancies; begging your protection,
Which may you please to grant, and let me be
Known to the world, in that you favor me.Who am Sir,
Your obfequious Servant,
Humphry Blunden.
B 2
ft
AD LECTOREM.
THis little Book is like a furnish't Feast,
And hath a dish, I hope, to please each guest;
Here thou may'st finde some good and solid fare:
If thou lov'st pleasant junkets, here they are ;
Perhaps sharp sawces take thee most; if so,
I have cook't for thee some sharp sawces too;
But if thy squeamish stomach can like none,
No body hinders thee; thou may'st be gone.Lines prefixed to the Third Edition
(1645).This last Edition of my Book, may some
Think not much finer, then the former one;
But let them search it throughly and theyl finde
Many that were before, come now behinde :
Nay, thus much more I dare averre for it,
That, 'tis the only book for mirth and wit.
*:
THE STATIONER TO
THE READER.IF new or old wit please the reader best,
rve hope each man of wit will be our guest,
The new was framed to humor some mens taste;
Which if they like not, they may carve the last:
Each dish hath sauce belongs tdt, and you will
By your dislike, censure the Authors skill;
Yet if you cannot speake well of it, spare
To utter your dislike, that the like snare
May entrap others; so the booke may bee
Sold, though not IWd, by a neate fallacy;
Thafs all laske yet:'twillyour goodnes raise
If as I gaine your coyn, he may your praise.
mmmm
Epigrams.
i. On Battm.
I Pray thee Battus, adde unto thy store
This booke of mine to make thy numb©: more;
It is well bound, well printed, neatly strung,
And doth deserve to have a place among
Th' inhabitants of thy Vatican, if thou
Wilt so much favor to its worth allow.2. Gender and number.
Singular sins and plurall we commit;
And we in every gender vary it.3. To Sk yohn Suckling.
If learning will beseem a courtier well, ^
If honour waite on those who dare excel!,
Then let not Poets envy but admire,
The eager flames of thy poetique fire;
For whilst the world loves wit, Aglaura shall*
Phoenix-likq live after her funeralL
10 Epigrams.
4. To Mr. George Sands.
Sweet-tongued Ovid, though strange tales he told,
Which gods and men did act in dayes of old,
What various shapes for love sometimes they took;
To purchase what they aym'd at.; could he look,
But back upon himself he would admire,
The sumptuous bravery of that rich attire ;
Which Sands hath clad him with, & then place this
His change amongst their Metamorphosis.5. To Mr. William HabUngton on his Castara,
a Pom.Thy Muse is chaste and thy Castara too,
'Tis strange at Court, & thou hadst power to woo
And to obtain (what others were deny'd)
The fair Castara for thy vertuous bride :Enjoy what you dare wish, and may there bee,
Fair issues branch from both, to honor thee.6. To Mr. Francis Beaumont and Mr. John
Fletcheri getitTwin-stars of poetry, whom we justly may
Call the two-tops of leam'd Pernassus-Bay,
Peerlesse for freindship and* for numbers sweet,
Whom oft the Muses Swaddled iti one sheet:
Your works shall still be praised and dearer sold,
For our new-nothings doe extoll ydwc old.
7. To Mr: Benjamin Johnson.
Had Rome but heard her worthies speak so high,
As thou hast taught them in thy Poesie ;
She would have sent h$r poets to obtain,
(Tutour'd by thee) thy most majestique strain.8. To Mr. George Chapman on his Translation
of Homers works into English meeter.Thou Ghost of Homer'twere-tab fault to-call,
His the translationIfcmefee Origmall,
Did not we know 'twas done by theeiso well;
Thou makest Homer, Homers self excelL9. To William Shake-spear.
Shakespeare we must be silent in thy pfaise,
'Cause our encomion's will but blast thy Bayes,
Which envy could not,- that thou didst so well;
Let thine own histories prdve thy Chronicle.10. To> Mr., Thomas Randolph*
Thou darling of the Muses for we m^iy
Be thought deserving, if what was thy play
Our utmost Ubotrs can ^produce, we wiS
Freely allow thee heir uhto: the hill,
The Mfeesjdi&ass^-tte^
Thy3 younger iy^ares. shduldi have the elder-wit.
i 2 Epigrams.
ii. Man.
Man's like the earth, his hair like grasse is grown,
His veins the rivers are, his heart the stone.12. Vita via.
Well may mans life be likened to a way,
Many be weary of their life they'll say.13. To Mr. Thomas May.
Thou son of Mercury whose fluent tongue
Made Lucan finish his Pharsalian song,
Thy fame is equall, better is thy fate,
Thou hast got Charles his love, he Nerd's hate.14. To Mr. George Wythers.
Th' hast whipp'd our vices shrewdly and we may,
Think on thy scourge untill our dying-day:
Th' hast given us a Remembrancer which shall
Outlast the vices we are tax'd withall,
Th' hast made us both eternal, for our shame
Shall never Wyther, whilst thou hast a name.r 5. To Mr. Thomas Middleton.
Facetious Middleton, thy witty Muse
Hath pleased all, that books or men peruse.
If any thee dispise, he doth but show,
Antipathy to wit, in daring so :
Thy fam's above his malice, and 'twilbe
.Dispraise enough for him, to censure thee.
Epigrams. 13
16. To Mr. J antes Shirty on his Comedy,
viz, theyong AdmiralLHow all our votes are for thee {Shirty) come
Conduct our troops, strike up Apollo's drum,
We wait upon thy summons and do all,
Intend to choose thee our yong Admirall.17. To Mr. Philip Massinger.
Apoltis Messenger, who doth impart
To us the edicts of his learned art,
We cannot but respect thee, for we know
Princes are honour'd in their Legats so.18. To Mr. John Ford.
If e're the Muses did admire that well
Of Hellicon, as elder times do tell,
I dare presume to say upon my word,
They much more pleasure take in thee, rare Ford.
19. To Mr. Thomas Hey wood.
Thou hast writ much and art admir'd by those,
Who love the easie ambling of thy prose;
But yet thy pleasingst flight, was somewhat high,
When thou did'st touch the angels Hyerarchie :
Fly that way still it will become thy age,
And better please then groveling on the stage.20. To Mr. Thomas Goffe on his tragedies.
When first I heard the Turkish Emperours speak
In such a dialect, and Orestes break
X4 Epigmfnh.
His silence in such language, I admir'd
What powerful favorite of theNimphs inspir'd
Into, their Souls such utterance, but I wrong,
To* think 'twas, learnt from any but thy tongue,2i. On, a?dying Usurer.
With greater grief n^n doth d^ath entertain,
Then wretched Chrysalus, he sighs &. mayn,
Not that he dyes, but 'cause much cost is spent
Upon the Sexton and his regiment.
The joviall ringers, and the Curate must
Have his fee too, when dust is turn'd to dust,
And which is greater then the former sum,
Heel pay an angell for a Moor-stone-tomb;:22* OnSpctus.
What great revenews Sextus doth possesse,
When as.his sums of gold are numberlesse,
What cannot Sextus have ? I wonder then,
Sextus cann't live as well as other men.23. On CeJsus hisworks.
Celsus to please' himselfe, a book hath writ:
It seems sa$ fw there's- few that buy eth it
He is no popular man, it thereby seems;
Sith men condemn, what he praise worthy deems,
Yet this his wisdome and his book prefer,
Disprais'd by aU,. they think both singular.
24; TM D&vill and the> Fryar.
The Devifl was once deceived by, a fryar,
Who though he sold his soul, cheated the buyer,
The devill was promist if he would supply
The Fryar with coyn at his Necessity,
When all th^ debts he owMdischarg'd were quite,
The Devill should have., his, soul as his by right,
The Devill defray'd all scores, $ayd all, at last*,
Demanded for his due, his soul in haste ;
The Fryar returned this answer, if I ow
You any debts at all, then you must know,
I am indebted still, if nothing be
Due unto you, why do you trouble me?
25.: OM,Wim>
What ? must We then on muddy tap-lash swill,
Neglecting sack? which makes the poet's quill
To thunder forth high raptures, such as when
Sweet-tdngued Ovid erst; with his smooth peri,
In flourishing Rome did write; frown god of wines
To see how most men disesteem thy Vines.26. On a fand-s/^i%tMfid\&&i&Mrs- Virginals.
Behold Don Phmbu$ injqn sh&dygrpve,
On his sweet harp plates Rou^delaies of ktye,
Mark how the satyr grim Marsyas playes
On his rude pipe, his merry-harmlesse layes,
Mark how the swaines attentively admire,
Both to the sound of pipe and tang of lyre;
16 Epigrams*
But if you on these Virginals will play^
They both will cast their instruments away,
And deeming it the musique of the Spheares,
Admire your musique as the swains do theirs.27. On a Tennis-court haunter*
The world's a court, we are the bals, wherein
We bandied are by every stroke of sin,
Then onely this can I commend in thee,
Thou actest well our frail mortalitie.28. On Balbulus.
Thou do'st complaine poets have no reward
And now adayes they are in no regard :
Verses are nothing worth, yet he that buyes
Ought that is thine, at a three-farthings price,
Will think it too too dear, and justly may
Think verses are in price, since th' other day,
Yea who ere buies 'em at a farthings rate,
At the same price can never sell 'em at29. To his Mistris*
Hyperbole of worth, should wit suggest
My will with Epithites, and I invest
That shrine but with deserved paraphrase,
Adulatory poetry would praise,
And so but staine your worth : your vertues (or
Else none at all) shall be my orator.
Epigrams. *7
30. On his Mistris.
I saw faire Flora take the aire,
When Phoebus shin'd and it was faire;
The heavens to allay the heat,
Sent drops of raine, which gently beat, ;
The sun retires, asham'd to see
That he was barr'd from kissing thee.
Then Boreas took such high disdaine,
That soon he dri'd those drops again :
Ah cunning plot and most divine!
Thus to mix his breath with thine.
31. On an houreglasse.
Do thou consider this small dust
Here running in this glasseBy atomes mov'd
Canst thou beleeve, that this the body wasOf one that lov'd.
And in his Mistrisse playing like a flyTurn'd to cinders by her eye:
Yes and in death as life, have it exprestThat lovers ashes take no rest
32. On the picture of Cupid in a jew ell worn by
his Mrs. on her brest.Little Cupid'enter in and heat
Her heart, her brest is not thy seat; /vol. 11, c
18 Epigrams.
Her brests are fitted to entice
Lovers, but her heart's of ice,
Thaw Cupid, that it hence forth grow
Tender still by answering no.33. How to choose a wife.
Good sir, if you will shew the best of your skill
To picke a vertuous creature,
Then picke such a wife, as you love a life,Of a comely grace and feature.;
The noblest part let it be her heart,Without deceit or cunning,
With a nimble wit, and all things fit,With a tongue that's never running,
The haire of her head, it must not be red,But faire and brown as a berry;
Her fore-head high, with a christall eye,Her lips as red as a cherry.
34. Claudianus de Sphcerct Archimedis.
When Jove within a little glasse survay'd,
The heavens he smil'd, and to the Gods thus say'd,
Can strength of mortall wit proceed thus far ?
Loe in a fraile orbe, my works mated are,
Hither the Syracusians art translates,
Heavens form, the course of things and humane fates
Th' including spirit serving the star-deck'd signes,
The living work inconstant motion windes.
Epigrams. 19
Th' adult'rate zodiaque runs a naturall yeere,
And Cynthias forg'd horns monethly new light bear,
Viewing her own world, now bold industry
Triumphs and rules with humane power the sky.35. On Ccelia. -
In Ccelia1 § face a question did arise,
Which were more beautifull her lips or eyes;
We say the eyes, send forth those pointed darts,
Which pierce the hardest adamantine hearts,. *
From us reply the lips proceed those blisses, , ■'
Which lovers reap by kind words anpl sweet kisses
Then wept the eyes, and from their eyes did pow'r
Of liquid Orientall pearle a shower,
Whereat the lips mov'd with delight and pleasure
Through a sweet smile unlocked their Ivory treasure,
And bad love judge, whether did ad more grace,
Weeping or smiling pearls to Ccelia's face.36. A plain Sutor to his love.
Faire I love thee, yet I cannot'sue,
And shew rriy love as masking courtiers doe, >
Yet by the smdcke of Venus for thy good,
He freely spend my thrice concocted blood; '37. A Gentleman to his love.
Tell her I love, and if she aske how well;
Tell her my tongue told thee no tongue can telLQ2
Epigrams.
38. Her answer.
Say not you love, unlesse you doe,
For lying will not honour you.39. His answer.
Maddam I love, and love to doe,
And will not lye unlesse with you.40. On a Musitian and his Scholler.
A man of late did his fair daughter bring
To a Musitian for to learne to sing,
He fell in love with her, and her beguil'd,
With flattering words, and she was got with child.
Her Father hearing this was griev'd and said,
That he with her but a base-part had play'd,
For wch he swore that he would make him smart
. For teaching of his daughter such a part:
But the musitian said, he did no wrong,
He had but taught her how to sing prick-song.41. On his Mrs.
Shall I tell you how the rose at first grew red,
And whence the lilly whitenes borrowed,
You blusht, & straight the rose with red was dight,
The lilly kist your hand, and so was white,
Before such time, each rose had but a stain,
And lillies nought but palenes did contE^ne,
You haue the native colour, these the dy,
And onely flowrish in your livery.
Epigrams.
2
42. To his Mrs.
Think not deare love that He reveale,
Those houres of pleasure we do steale,
No eye shall see, nor yet the sun
Descrie what thee and I have done;
The God of love himself, whose dart
Did first peirce mine, and next thy heart,
He shall not know, that we can tell
What sweets in stoln embracements dwell,
Onely this meanes may find it out,
If when I dy, Phisitians doubt
What caus'd my death, and they to view
Of all the judgements that are true,
Rip up my heart oh then I feare
The world will find thy picture there.43. Tempus edax rerum.
The sweetest flower in the summers prime,
By all agreement is the damaske rose,
Which if it grow, and be not pluck'd in time,
She sheds her leaves, her buds their sent do loose,
Oh let not things of worth, for want of use
Fall into all consuming times abuse :
The sweetest work that ever nature fram'd,
By all agreement is a virgins face,
Which not enjoy'd, her white and red will fade,
And unto all worm-eating time give place:Oh let not things of worth, for want of use
Fall into all consuming times abuse.
Epigrams..
44. To his Mrs,
Thou send'st to me a heart was Crown'd,
I tooke it to be thine, r
But when I saw it had a wound,
I knew that heart was mine.
A bounty of a strange conceit,
To send mine own to me,
And send it in a worse estate,
Then when it came to thee •
The heart I gave thee had no staine,
It was intire and sound;
But thou hast sent it back againe,
Sick of a deadly wound, •
Oh heavens ! how wouldst thou use a heart
That should rebellious be,
When thou hast kilPd me with a dart,That so much honor'd thee.
45. On a charming beauty.
I'le gaze no more on that bewitched face,
Since ruin harbors there in every place, ..:
For my inchanted soul alike she drowns,
With calms and tempests of her smiles and frowns.
lie love no more those cruell eyes of hers,
Which pleas'd or anger'd still are murtherers ;
For if she dart like lightning through the ayre,
Her beames of wrath, she kils me with despaire,
If she behold me with a pleasing eye,
I surfet with excesse of joy and dy. i
Epigram^..
2$
46. In Mincam.
■ ■ ■ )Fine Minca lisping yea and no forsooth,
Though little eats, yet keeps a dainty tooth:
Minca that longs for apples on the tree,
In May, before the blossomes fallen be,
Or will not eate a Kentish cherry down,
But for a couple, when she payes a crown;
And cares not for a straw-berry or peare,
In truth because th'are common every where ;
Yet what is that which may be had for reason, ,
And never comes to Minca out of season ?
47. Clericus absque libro.
When Crassus in his office was instaPd,
For summs of money, which he yet doth ow,
A client by the name of Clerk him call'd,
As he next day to Westminster did go,
Which Crassus hearing whispers thus in 's eare,
Sirrah you now mistake and much do erre,
That henceforth must the name of Clerke forbear,
And know I am become an officer. ;Alas (quoth he) I did not so much marke,
Good Mr. officer, that are no clerke.48. To his Mrs.
Your lips (faire Lady) if't be not too much,
I beg to kisse, your hand I crave to touch,
And if your hand deny that courtesie,
(Sweet mistris) at your feet I prostrate lyj -
H
Epigrams.
But if your foot Spurn my humility,
Or that your lips think I do aime too high,
Then let your hand in token of consent.
Point at the meane, the maine of all content.
And I shall leave extreames, and to be blist,
Rest in your midst where vertue doth consist49. Umbras non ctrtus metuit
Mistrisse Maryna starts to see a frog,
A naked rapier or a creeping mouse :
To hear a Gun, or barking mastive dog,
Or smell Tobacco, that defiles her house,
To taste of fish, no man alive shall woe her,
Yet feares she not what flesh can doe unto her.50. On women.
Although they seeme us onely to affect,
'Tis their content, not ours, they most respect:
They for their own ends cunningly can feigne,
And though they have 't by nature, yet they*ll strain:.
Sure if on earth, by wiles gain'd might be blisse,
Straight that I were a woman I would wish.
.51. Women are mens shadowes*
Follow a shaddow it still flies you,
Seeme to fly, it will pursue :
So court a mistrisse shee denies you>
Let her alone, she will court you.Say are not women truely. then
StiFd but the shadowes of us men ?
Epigrams. 25
At morne and even shades are longest,
At noone they are, or short or none :
So men at weakest they are strongest;
But grant us perfect they're not known.
Say are not women truely then
Stil'd but the shadowes of us men ?52. To his mistrisse.
Take, oh take those lips away,
That so sweetly were for-sworne :
And those eies like breake of day,
Lights that doe mislead the morne :
But my kisses bring againe,
Seales of love, though seal'd in vaine.Hide, oh hide those hills of snow,
Which thy frozen bosome beares :
On whose tops the pinkes that grow,
Are of those that Aprill weares :
But first set my poor heart free,
Bound in those icie chaines by thee.53. In Diogenem 6° Crcesum.
When the tubb'd Cynicke went to hell, and there,
Found the pale ghost of golden Crcesus bare,
Hee stops ; and jeering till he shriigges againe,
Sayes O ! thou richest king of kings, what gaine
Have all thy large heapes brought thee, since I spie
Thee here alone, and poorer now then I ?
For all I had, I with me bring ; but thou
Of all thy wealth hast not one farthing now.
26
Epigrams.-
54. Vnde vents, mentor a.
With earthen plate, Agathocles, they say,
Did use to meal; so serv'd with Same's clay,
When jeyfelFd plate, and rugged earth was by,
He seemed to mingle wealth and poverty.
One ask'd the cause : he answers, I that am
Sicilians King, from a poor Potter came.
Hence learn, thou that art rais'd from mean estate,
To sudden riches, to be temperate.55. To young men.
Young men fly, when beauty darts
Amorous glances at your hearts,
The fixt marke gives your shooter aime,
And Ladyes lookes have power to maime,
Now 'twixt their lips, now in their eyes
Wrapt in a kisse or smile love lyes,
Then fly betimes for onely they
Conquer love that run away.56. The pens prosopopeia to
the Scrivener,Thinke who when you cut the quill,
Wounded was yet did no ill;
When you mend me, thinke you must
Mend yourselfe, else you're unjust.
Epigrams.*
When, you dip my nib in Inke,
Thinke on hiih that gall did drinke,
When the Inke sheds from your pen,
Thinke who shed his blood for men ;
When you write, but thinke on this,
And you ne're shall write amisse. '57. A raritie. -
If thou bee'st born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand dayes and nights,
Till age snow white haires on thee.And thou when thou return'st wilt tell rile ;
All strange wonders that befell thee,
And thou 'It sweare that no where
lives a maiden true and faire.58. On the Queene of Bohemia.
You meaner Beauties of the night,
Which poorely satisne our eyes;
More by your number then your light;
The common people of the skies :What are ye when the moon shall rise ?
You violets that first appeare,
By your purple mantle known;
Like proud virgins of the yeere,
As if the Spring were all your own;tWhat are you, when the rose is blown ?
Epigrams.
You wandring chaunters of the wood,
That fill the ay re with natures layes,
Thinking your passions understood,
By weak accents, where's your praise,When Philomell her voice shall raise :
So when my Princesse shall be seen,
In sweetnes of her lookes and mind,
By vertues first, then choyce a Queen,
Tell me, was she not design'dTh' eclipse and glory of her kind ?
59. To his noble friend.
There's no necessity that can exclude
The poorest being from a gratitude;
For when the strength of fortune lends no more,
He that is truely thankefull is not poore :
Yours be the bounty then, mine the great debt,
On which no time, nor power can ransome set.
60. On his Mrs death.
Unjustly we complain of fate,
For short'ning our unhappy dayes,
When death doth nothing but translate
And print us in a better phrase ;Yet who can choose but weep ? not I,
That beautie of such excellence,And more vertue than could dy;
\ By deaths rude hand is ravish'd hence,
Epigrams.
Sleepe blest creature in thine Urne,
My sigheSj my teares shall not awake thee,
I but stay untill my turne
And then, Oh then ! Tie overtake thee.61. ALqul facilitas ac difficult as nocet amor is.
I love not her, that at the first cries I,
I love not her that doth me still deny,
Be she too hard shee'll cause me to despaire,
Be she too easie, shee's as light as faire;
'Tis hard to say whether most hurt procure,
She that is hard or easy to allure,
If it be so, then lay me by my side
The hard, soft, willing and unwilling bride.
62. Quidam erat.
A preaching fryar there was, who thus began,
The Scripture saith there was a certaine man :
A certain man? but I do read no where
Of any certame woman mention'd there :
A certaine man a phrase in Scripture common,
But no place shewes there was a certain woman.
And fit it is, that we should ground our faith
On nothing more then what the Scripture saith.63. On the Marriage of one Turbolt
with Mrs. Hill.What are Deucalions dayes return'd that we
A Turbolt swimming on a Hill do see ?
Epigrams.
What shall we in this age so strange report,
That fishes leave the sea on hils to sport?
And yet this hill, though never tir'd with standing,
Lay gently down to give a Turbolt landing.64. Bar ten Holiday to the Puritan
on his Technogamia.'Tis not my person, nor my play,
But my sirname, Holiday,
That does offend thee, thy complaints
Are not against me, but the Saints;
So ill dost thou endure my name,
Because the Church doth like the same,
A name more awfull to the puritane
Then Talbot unto France, or Drake to Spaine.
65. In Meretrices. .
The: law hangs theeves for their unlawfull stealing,
The law carts bawds for keeping of the doore,
The law doth punish rogues, for roguish dealing,
The law whips both the pander and the whore;
But yet I muse from whence this law is grown;
Whores must not steal, yet must not use their own,66. Quicquid non nummus.
The mony'd man can safely saile all seas,
And make his fortune as himselfe shall please,
He can wed Danae, and command that now
Acrisius selfe that fatall match allow:
Epigrams.
He can declaime, chide, censure verses, write,
And do all things better than Cato might;
He knows the Law and rules it, hath and is
Whole Servius, and what Labeo can possesse,
In briefe let rich men wish thate're they love, >
'Twill come, they in a lock'd chest keep a Jove.67. A fioore Peasant.
A poore man being sent for to the King,
Began to covet much a certaine thing
Before he went: being but an Iron naile,
His friend did aske him what it would availe ?
(Quoth he) this is as good as one of Steele,
For me to knock now into fortunes wheele.68* Three Pages..
Three Pages on a time together met,
And made a motion, that each one would let
The other know what hee'd desire to be
Having his wish, thereto they did agree.
Quoth one, to be a Melon I would chuse :
For then I'm sure, none would refuse
To kisse my breech, although the sent were hot,
And so they'd know whether I were good or not.
69. A Peasant and his wife.
A Peasant with his wife was almost wilde,
To understand his Daughter was with childe.
33 Epigrams.
And said if to the girle sh'ad taken heed,
Sh'ad not been guilty of so foule a deed.
Husband (said she) I swear by cock,(Welfare a good old token)
The Dev'll himselfe can't keep that lockWhich every key can open.
70. An evill age.
Virgil of Mars and ruthfull warres did treat,
Ovid of Venus love, and peace did write :
Yet Virgil for his strain was counted great,
And Ovid for his love was bannished quite;
No marvell then if courtezie grow cold,
Wheii hate is prais'd, and love it self control'd.71. Of a Judge.
Were I to choose a Captain, I would than,
Not choose your courtier or a youthfull man,
No, I would choose a judge, one grim and grave :
To make a Captaine such a man I'de crave:
Give me that man, whose frowning brow is death,
I, such an one, as can kill men with breath.72. Asperum nimis condimentum.
Monsieur Albanus new invested is,
With sundry suits and fashions passing fit,
But never any came so neer as this,
For joy whereof Albanus frollique is :Untill the Taylours bill oisolvifias,
Diverts his humor to another bias.
Epigrams*
33
7 3. Atheists pastimes.
Grammarians talk of times past and hereafter:
I spend time present in pastime and laughter.74. On Paulus.
Because thou followst some great Peer at Court,
Dost think the world deem's thee a great one for't ?
Ah no I thou art mistaken Paulus, know
Dwarfs still as pages unto giants goe.75. On a cowardly. Souldier*
Strotzo doth weare no ring upon his hand,
Although he be a man of great command ;
But gilded spurres do jingle at his heeles
Whose rowels are as big as some coach-wheels,
He grac'd them well, for in the Netherlands,
His heels did him more service then his hands.76. A uri sacra fames—quid non ?
A smooth fac'd youth was wedded to an old,
Decrepit shrew, such is the power of gold :
That love did tye this knot, the end will prove,
The love of money not the god of love.77. On Lepidus and his wife.
Lepidus married somewhile to a shrew,
She sick'ned, he in jesting wise to shew
vol. 11. D
34 Epigram^
How glad her death would make him; said sweetheart;
I pray you e're you sing loth to depart,
Tell who shall be my second wife, and I
After your death will wed her instantly,
She somewhat vext hereat, straightway replide.
Then let grim Pluto's daughter be your bride. \
He answer'd wife I would your will obey,
But that our laws my willingnesse gain-say:
For he, who Pluto's sister takes to wife,
Cannot his daughter too, upon my life.
78. To Phillis.
Aske me not Phillis why I do refuse
To kisse thee as the most of gallants use,
For seeing oft thy dog to fawn and skip
Upon thy lap and joyriing lip to lip,
Although thy kisses I full faine would crave;
Yet would I not thy dog my rival! have.79. Of Charidemus.
Although thy neighbor have a handsom horse,
Matchlesse for comlv shape, for hue and course
And though thy wife thou knowst ill-shapen be,
Yet Charidemus praises mightily,
His ugly wife and doth the horse dispraise :
How subtilly the fox his engin layes,
For he desires his neighbours horse to buy,
And sell his wife to any willingly*
/
Epigrams. 35
80. On beere.
Is no juice pleasing but the grapes ? is none,
So much beloved ? doth perfection,
Onely conjoyn in wine ? or doth the well
Of Aganippe with this liquor swell,
That Poets thus affect it ? shall we crown
A meere exotique ? and contemn our own,
Our native liquor ? haunt who list the grape,
I'le more esteem our Oate, whose reed shall make,
An instrument to warble forth her praise,
Which shall survive untill the date of daies,
And eke invoke some potent power divine,
To patronize her worth above the vine.81. On a vaunting Poetaster.
Ccecilius boasts his verses worthy bee,
To be engraven on a Cypresse tree,
A Cypresse wreath befits 'em well; 'tis true
For they are neer their death, and crave but due.
82. On a valiant Souldier.
A Spanish Souldier in the Indian warre
Who oft came off with honor and some scar,
After a teadious battle, when they were
Enforc'd for want of bullets to forbear
Farther to encounter, which the savage Moor
Perceiving, scoff'd, and nearer then before
Approach'd the Christian host, the souldier griev'd
To be out-brav'd, yet could not be relieved
d 2
Epigrams,
Beyond all patience vex'd, he said although
I bullets want, myself will wound the foe;
Then from his mouth, took he a tooth and sent,
A fatall message to their regiment,
What amies will fury steed men with, when we
Can from our selves have such artillerie;
Sampson thy jaw bone can no trophy reare
Equall to his, who made his tooth his speare.&$. On Aurispa.
Why doth the world repute Aurispa learn'd ?
Because she gives men what they never earn'd.84. On Alexander the great.
If Alexander thought the world but small
Because his conquering hand subdu;d it all,
He should not then have stiFd himselfe the great,
An Infants stool can be no giants seat.85. On sore eyes.
Fuscus was councell'd if he would preserve
His eyes in perfect sight drinking to swerve ;
But he reply'd 'tis better that I shu'd
Loose them, then keep them for the worms as food.
86. On an inevitable Cuckold.
Two wives th' hast buried and another wed,
Yet neither of the three chaste to thy bed,
Epigrams. 3 7
Wherefore thou blam'st not onely them, but all
Their Sex into disgrace and scorn dost call,
Yet if the thing thou wilt consider well,
Thou wilt thy malice, and this rage expell,
For when the three were all alike \ should seem
Thy stars gave thee the Cuckolds anadem,
If thou wert born to be a wittoll, can
Thy wife prevent thy fortune? foolish man!
That woman which a Hellen is to thee,
Would prove another mans Penelope.87. On the ensuring office.
Linus met Thuscus on the burse by chance,
And swore he'd drink a health to th'heir of France
For on th'exchange for currant news 'twas told
France had a Daulphin not yet seaven dayes old,
Thuscus excus'd himselfe, and said he must
By all meanes go to th'ensuring office first,
And so ensure some goods, he doubted were,
Unlikely else e're to his hands appeare,
Linus reply'd, He with thee then, for I
Would have my lands ensured to me in fee
Which otherwise I doubt, I never shall
From debt and morgage ere redeem at all.88. On Clodius Albinus.
Clodius great cheer for supper doth prepare,
Buyes Chickens, Rabbets, Phesants, and a hare,
Epigrams.
Great store of fowl, variety of fish,
And tempting sawce serv'd in, in every dish,
To this great feast, whom doth he meane t'envite,
Albinus onely sups with him to night.
89. To Lycus.
That poetry is good and pleasing thou dost cry,
Yet know'st not when 'tis right or when awry
Thou know'st great Ovids censure to abstaine
From pleasing good, is vertue's chiefest aime.90. Of one praising my book.
Harpax doth praise my book I lately writ,
Saith it is short and sweet, and full of wit;
I knew his drift, and sayd be silent pray,
For in good fayth, I've given 'em all away.91. On Women.
Women are bookes, and men the readers be,
In whom oft times they great Errata's see;
Here sometimes wee a blot, there wee espy
A leafe misplac'd, at least a line awry;
If they are books, I wish that my wife were
An Almanacke, to change her every yeare.92. On Tobacco.
Nature's Idea, phisicks rare perfection.
Cold rheumes expeller and the wits direction,
O had the gods known thy immortall smack >
The heavens ere this time had been colored black.i
Epigrams,,
93. On a beloved lye.
I hate a lye, and yet a lye did run
Of noble Goring's death and Kensington,
And for that they did not untimely dye,
I love a lye, because that was a ly,
For had it been an accident of ruth
?T had made me grow in hatred of the truth,
Though lyes be bad, yet give this lye it's due,
Tis ten times better, then if't had beer* true.
94. On aftdle-stick*
Am I an instrument to make you sport,
A fiddle-stick I am, ye shan't report
That ere yee handled me in such a ca^e;
To make me strike up fiddles mean and base,
Nay you shall never bend me to your bow
It goeth against the haire you should do so.
Nor shall you curbe me in, thus every day,
rie but my pleasure, I was made to play,
But here I must not play upon another,
Why have I then a fiddle for my brother?
If I were gon, you'd be compel'd my freinds
To made your musique on your fingers ends :
My brother fiddle is so hollow-hearted
That ere'fc be long, we must needs be parted,
And with so many frets he doth abound
That I can never touch him but hel sound:
When he's reviv'd, this poore excuse hp puts,
That when I play, I vex him to the guts ;
Epigrams.
But since it is my nature, and I must,
Fie crowd and scrape acquaintance for a crust;
I am a genteman of high descent,
Come from Apollos glorious element;
Above the bridge I alwayes use to keep,
And that's my proper spheare when I do sleep,
So that I cannot be in tune or town,
For all my scraping, if the bridge be down;
But since without an end, nought can endure^
A fiddle-stick hath two ends to be sure.
95. ' On hopes of preferment.
I saw my fortune goe before,
As Palinurus saw the shore,
If that I dye, before it hitch,
Wel-fare mine eyes for they are rich.g6. On a gentleman that married an heireprivately at
the Tower.The angry Father hearing that his childe,
Was stoln, married, and his hopes beguild;
('Cause his usurious nature had a thought
She might have bin to greater fortunes brought)
With rigid looks, bent brows, and words austere
Ask'd his forc'd son in law, how he did dare
(Without a full consenting from him carried)
Thus beare his onely daughter to be married,
And by what Cannons he assuruM such power ?
He said, the best in England sir, the Tower.
Epigrams.
4*
97. A Gentlemans satisfaction for spitting in another
mans face.A gentleman (not in malice nor disgrace,
But by chance) spet in anothers face,
He that received it, knowing not the cause
That should produce such rashnes ('gainst the laws
Of Christian man-hood or civility)
In kindling anger, ask'd the reason why ;
Pray sir sayes he, what thing that doth but sound
Like to an injury have you ere found
By me at any time ? or if you had,
It never could deserve contempt so bad
Tis an inhumane custome none ere use;
But the vile nation of contemned J ewes :
Pray sir, cryes th' other, be not so unkind,
Thus with an accident to charge my minde
I meant it not, but since it fals out so,
I'm sorry, yea make satisfaction too;
Then be not mov'd but let this ease your doubt
Since I have spet, please you, Fie tread it out.
98. On a little Ge?itlenian and one Mr. Story.
The little man, by th'other mans vain-glory,
It seems was roughly us'd (so say's the story,)
But being a little heated and high blown,
In anger flyes at Story, puis him down ;
And when they rise (I know not how it fated)
One got the \vorst, the Story was translated
£j>tgmwsx
From white to red, but ere the fight was ended
It seemes a Gentleman that one befriended,
Came in and parted them ; the little blade
There's none that could intreat, qr yet perswade,
But he would fight still, till another came,
And with sound reasons eouncel'd 'gainst the same
'Twas in this manner, friend ye shall not fight
With one that's so unequal to your height,
Story is higher, th'otner made reply,
I'd pluck him down were; he three Stories high.
On a faire Gentlewoman whose name was Brown.
We praise the faire, and our inventions wrack,
In pleasing numbers to applaud the black.
We court this Ladies eye, that Ladyes haire,
The faire love black, the black best like the faire,
Yet neither sort, I court, I doate upon
Nor faire nor black, but a complexion
More rare than either; she that is the crowne
Of my entire affection is brown,
And yet shees faire, 'tis strange, how can it be,
That two complexions should in one agree ?
Do I love Brown, my love can please mine eye,
And sate my narrowest curiosity,
If I like faire, she hath so sweet a grace,
That I could leave an Angeil for her face,
Let any judge then, which complexion's rarest,
In my opinion, she is brown that's fairest.
Epigrams.
43
ioo. On the word intotterable.
Two gentlemen did to a Tavern come,
And call'd the drawer for to shew a room,
The drawer did, and what room think ye was't ?
One of the small ones, where men cjrink in haste;
One gentleman sat down there, but the other
Dislik'd it, would not sit, call'd for another :
At which his friend, rising up from the table,
Cryes friend let's stay, this room is tollerable:
Why that's the cause (quoth hee) I will not stay,
Is that the cause, quoth th'other ? why I pray ?
To give a reason to you, I am able,
Because I hate to be in—Tollerable,101. On womens inconstancy.
Goe catch a star that's falling from the skye,
Cause an immortall creature for to dye,
Stop with thy hand the current of the seas,
Poste o're the earth to the Antipodes ;
Cause times return, and call back yesterday;
Cloath January with the Month of May,
Weigh out an ounce of flame, blow back the wind
And then find faith within a wornans mind,\oz. On Women,
Why sure these necessary harmes were fram'd,
That men as too too heedlesse might be blam'd,
44 Epigrams.
His weaknes cannot greatest weakenesse fly,
In her strong drawing, fraile necessity;
Then happy they, that know what women are,
But happier, which to know them never care.103. Satis est quod sufficit
Weep no more, sigh nor groane,
Sorrow recals not, times are gone,
Violets pluck'd, the sweetest raine.
Makes not fresh or grow againe,
Joyes are windy, dreams fly fast
Why should sadnes longer last ?
Griefe is but a wound to woe,
Gentle faire, mourn no moe.104. Of women.
Commit thy ship unto the winde,
But not thy faith to woman kind,
There is more safety in a wave,
Then in the faith that women have;
No woman's good, if chance it fall,
Some one be good amongst them all,
Some strange intent the dest'nies had,
To make a good thing of a bad.105. On Musique.
I want a quill out of an Angels wing,
To write sweet musike's everlasting praise,, '
Epigrams.
I likewise want an Angels voice to sing
A wished anthem to her happy dayes,Then since I want an angels voice and pen,
Let angels write and sing, Fie say amen.106. On Tobacco.
Times great consumer, cause of idlenesse,
Old whorehouse hunter, cause of drunkennes>
Bewitching smoake, vainest wealths consumer;
Abuse of wit, stinking breath's perfumer,
Cause of entrailes blacknes, bodyes dyer
Cause of nature's slacknesse, quenching her fire,
Offence to many, bringing good to none,
Ev'n be thou hack'd till thou art burnt and gone.107. Womens properties.
To weep oft, still to flatter, sometimes spin,
Are properties, women excell men in.108. Womens teares.
When women weep in their dissembling art,
Their teares are sauce to their malicious heart.109. On Gervase.
A double gelding Gervase did provide,
That he and's wife to see their friends might ride,
Epigrams.
And he a double gelding prov'd indeed;
For he so suddenly fell to his speed,
That both alight, with blows and threats among,
He leads him, and his wife drives him along.lib. To A, S.
Rich Ckremes Whilst he lives will nought bestow
Oh his poore heires, but all at his last day,
If he be halfe as rich I trow,
He thinks that for his life they seldome pray.in. On Clarret wine spilt.
What's this that's spilt? 'tis clarret wine,
'Tis well 'tis spilt, its fall sav'd mine.112. On Women.
Are women Saints ? no Saints, and yet no devils,
Are women good ? not good, but needfull evils,
So angel like that devils you need not doubt,
Such needfull evils, that few can be without.113. Liber too wary to thrive.
Liber is late set up and wanteth custome,
Yet great resort hath got, but will not trust 'em:
Is not his love unto his friend the greater,
Heel want himselfe, ere hee'l see him a debtor.
Epigrams. 47
114. On Venus and Vulcan.
I muse, why Venus hath such fiery holes,
I thinke that Vulcan, once there blow'd his coales,
1-15* Sorte tua contentus.
Bartus being bid to supper to a Lord,
Was marshalFd at the lower end of the boord,
Who vext thereat, 'mongst his comrades doth fret
And sweares that he below the salt was set;
But Bartus, th'art a fool to fret and sweare,
The salt stands on the bord wouldst thou sit there ?
116. Fervent perjuria furtum.
Piso hath stoln a silver bole in jest,
For which suspected only, not confest,
Rather then Piso will restore your bole,
To quit the body, he will cast the soule.117. Virescit vulnere Venus.
Susan's well sped and weares a velvet hood,
As who should know, her breeding hath bin good ?
Tis reason she should rise once in her life,
That fell so oft before she was a wife.118. On a rick country Gentleman.
Of woods, of plaines, of hils and vales,
Of fields, of meades, of parks and pales,
Of all I had, this I possesse,
I need no more I have no lesse.
48
Epigrams.
119. In Odaviuni.
Odavius lying at the point of death,
His gelding kindly did to me bequeath :
I wanted one, and was in haste to ride,
In better time he never could have diJd.120. Loves Lunacy.
Before I knew what might belong to war,
I was content to suffer many a scar;
Yet none could hurt me, 'till at length a boy,
xDisgrace to manhood, wrought my sad annoj/,
This lad though blind, yet did he shoot a dart
Which pierc'd my brest and lighted on my heart,
Yet did I feel no hurt till from above,
I heard a voyce say souldiers you must love,
I lik't it well and in this pleasing vaine :
I lost my wits to get my heart againe.i2i4 Most men mistaken,
Good, bad, rich, poor, the foolish and the sage,
Doe all cry out against the present age :
Ignorance makes us thinke our young times good,:
Our elder dayes are better understood ;
Besides griefes past, we easily forget,
Present displeasures make.us sad or fret.
Epigrams, 49
122. An idle huswife.
Fine, neat, and curious misteris Butterfly,
The idle toy, to please an idiots eyes:
You, that wish all good huswives hang'd, for why,
Your dayes work's done, each morning as you rise :
Put on your gown, your ruff, your mask, your chain,
Then dine, and sup, and goe to bed againe.
123. To Women.
You were created angels pure and fayre,
But since the first fell, tempting devills you are:
You should be mens blisse, but you prove their rods
Were there no women men might live like gods.124. On a Bed-rid man.
A bed-rid man before the judge was brought,
The judge bids stand up sirrah as you ought;
Oh sir, nor goe, nor sit, nor stand can I,
I am your friend, pray give me leave to lie :
Art thou my friend quoth he ? then lie thy fill,
A judge gives all his friends leave to lie still.125. In pro cos.
Who woes a wife, thinks wedded men do know,
The onely true content, I thinke not so :
If Woe in wooers be, that women court,
As the word Woe in wooers doth import:
vol. 11. E
50 Epigrams.
And Woe in woemen too, that courted be,
As the word Woe, in women we doe see :
I thinke 'tis better lead a single life,
Then with this double woe to wooe a wife,126. On Promises,
My Mistrisse sweares shee'd le^tve all men for me,
Yea though that jfove himselfe should rivall be:
She sweares it, but what women sweare to kind-
Loves, may be writ in rapid seas and winde.127. On a barber.
Suppose my Barber, when his razors nigh
My throat, should then aske wealth and liberty :
Ide promise sure, the Barber askes not this,
No, 'tis a Thiefe and feare imperious is.128. On Durus.
A friend of Durus comming on a day
To visit him, finding the doores say nay;
Being lock'd fast up, first knocks, and then doth Pause,
As Lord have mercy on's had bin the cause ;
But missing it, he ask't a neighbour by
When the rich Durus' doors were lock't, and why ?
He said it was a custome growne of late
At diner time, to lock your great man's gate.
Durus1 poore friend adrmYd, and thought the door
Was not for State lock'd up, but 'gainst the poore,
And thence departing empty of good cheere,
Said, Lord have mercy on us, is not there.
Epigrams.
5*
129. On Leucus.
Lencus loves life, yet liveth wickedly;
He hateth death, yet wisheth he may dy
Honestly and well: so what is naught he loves,
And what he would have good, he nought approves.130. In Thrasonem.
Since Thraso met one stoutly in the field,
He crakes his spirit, & knows not how to yield;
Looks big, swears, strouts with set-side-armes the streets,
Yet gently yields the wall to all he meets.
And to his friends that ask the reason, why ?
His answer's this, My self I grace thereby :
For every one the common proverb knows,
That alwaies to the wall the weakest go's.
131. On a Witt all.
I know my fate, and that must bear;
And since I know, I need not fear.132. On Mopsus.
Mopsus almost, what e're he means to speak,
Before it sir-reverence the way must break :
Such manners hath sir-reverence learnt at school,
That now sir-reverence Mopsus is a fool.133. Turpe lucrum Veneris.
Will in a wilfull humour, needs would wed
A wench of wonder, but without a stock;
e 2
52
Epigrams,
Whose fame no sooner through the street was spred,
But thither straight our chiefest gallants flock.Put case she's poor, brings she not chapmen on ?
I hope his stock may serve to grafT upon.
134. Si hodie tibi, eras mihi.
A scornfull Dame, invited over-night,
To come and dine next morrow with a Knight,
Refus'd his sudden bidding with disdain.
To whom this message was returned again;
Sith with so short time she could not dispence,
To pray her come at that day Twelve-moneth hence*)
135. Better lost than found.
Lo here's a Coyner, yet he fears no death,
For he ne'r stamps in mettall, but in breath :
Swears from Believe me, & Good-faith & troth,
Up to God-damn-me \ and without an oath
Protests in nothing, be he ne'r so bare,
He's brave in this, that he can bravely swear.136. Fronti nulla fides.
Cantus that Wooll-ward went, was wondred at;
Which be excused, as done through pure contrition.
But who so simple, Cantus, credits that ?
Tis too wel known, thou art of worse condition.
And therefore if no linnen thee begirt,
The naked truth will prove, thou hast no shirt.
Epigrams.
137. Against Caius.
Twenty small pieces I'd have borrowed late,
Which, if bestow'd, had been a gift not great:
For, 'twas a rich friend whom I ask'd, and old ;
WThose crowded chests would scarce his riches hold.
He cry's, Turn Lawyer, and thoul't thrive : I'd have
No Councell, Caws, give me what I crave.138. Fama mendax.
Report, thou sometime art ambitious,
At other times, too sparing, covetous ;
But many times exceeding envious,
And out of time most dev'lish, furious.Of some, or all of these, I dare compound thee;
But for a Lyer ever I have found thee.
139. On Otho.
Three daughters Otho hath, his onely heirs,
But will by no means let them learn to write ;
'Cause, after his own humour, much he fears,
They'l one day learn, Love-letters to indite.
The yongest now's with childe ; who taught her then,
Or of her self learn'd she to hold her pen ?
140. On a Thief,
A Thief condemned for a hainous crime,
Was for to lose his Tongue at the same time :
■
54 Epigrams.
But he the Court intreats with feigned tears,
To spare his Tongue, and cut off both his Ears.
To this, the Judge, and all the Bench agreed, J
And for th'Executioner sent with speed :
Who being come, and searching, there was found
No Ears, but Hairs ; at which, all laughed round.
Saith th'Judge, thou hast no Ears. Sir (quoth the wight)
Where there is nought, the King must lose his right.
141. On Dare, an upstart Poet, ;)
Dare, a fresh author to a friend did boast,
Hee'd shew in cheap, his name upon a post,
But did Dare's friend to's hostes house but walk,
Sheel'd shew't him there on every post in chalk.142. Ambo-dexter.
Two Gentlemen of hot and fiery sp'rite,
Took boat and went up west-ward to go fight;
Embarked both, for Wend-worth they set Sail,
And there arriving with a happy gale ;
The Water-men discharged for their fare,
Then to be parted, thus their minds declare :
Pray Oares, say they, stay here, and come not nigh.
We go to fight a little, but here by:
The Water-men, with Staves did follow then,
And cry'd, oh hold your hands, good Gentlemen,
You know the danger of the Law, forbear;
So they put weapons up, and fell to swear*
Epigrams.
55
143. Vpon Indeedla.
Indeedla grumbles much, that he a penny,
Is levied in collection to the poore ;
Indeedla but you are the first of any,
Will contribute unto a handsome------j 44. Ictus piscator sapit.
Brutus at length escap'd the Surgeons hands,
Begins to frollique as if all were well;
And would not for the worth of thrice his lands,
Endure the brunt of such another hell;But leaves this farewell, for his Physicks hire ;
The child that's burnt, for ever dreads the fire.
145. On a woman.
All women naturally are called Eves
Because from Eve all women do proceed,
And by TH. are women turn'd to theeves,
Then unto Eve if you put /. behind,
Your woman's turned quite from Eve to Evel :
But place a D. before, and you shall find
That shee by doing Evell is turned Devel,So that from Eves to Theeves, from Theeves to Evel,
Women do runne untill they come to'th Devel.146. Humors.
Aske Humors why a feather he doth weare ?
It is his humor (by the Lord) he'le sweare.
Epigrams.
Or what he doth with such a horse-tail locke ?
Or why upon a whore hee spends his stock ?
Onely a humor : if you question why,
His tongue is ne're unfurnisht with a lye.
If you perceive his wits in wetting shrunke,
It commeth of a humor to be drunke :
When you behold his lookes, pale, thin, and poor^
Th'occasion is, his humor and a whore.
147. Tom Baret
Into a barbars shop there came
A carret-colour'd bearded man,
And asking for the boy Tom Baret\
Said, give me a Turn-up to my Carret148. Friendship,
A reall friend a cannon cannot batter.
With nominall friends a squib's a perilous matter.
149. On Giles and Ioane.
Who sayes that Giles and yoane at discord be ?
Th'observing neighbours, no such mood can see :
Indeed poore Giles repents he married her,
But that his yoane doth too, & Giles would never.
By his good will, be in Joaties company,
No more would yoane he should. Giles riseth early,
And having got him out of dores is glad :
The like is yoane. But turning home is sad,
And so is yoane. Oft times when Giles doth find
Harsh sighs at home, Giles wishes he were blind; ..
Epigrams.
All this doth yoane: or that his long-yearn'd life
Were quite out spun, the like wish hath his wife.
The children that he keepes, Giles sweares are none
Of his begetting, and so sweares yoane.
In all affections she concurreth still;
If now with man and wife to will and nill
The selfe same things, a note of concord be ;
I know no couple better can agree.
150. To Gentlewomen with black bags.
Tell mee, who taught you to give so much light
As may entice, not satisfie the sight ?
Betraying what may cause us to admire,
And kindle onely lust, not quench desire.
Among your other subtilties this is one,
That you see all, and yet are seene of none.
'Tis the darke lanthorne to the face : oh then
I may conclude there's treason against men.
Whil'st thus you onely do expose your lips,
'Tis but a faire and wantoner eclipse.
Meant how you will, at once to shew and hide,
At best its but the modestie of pride.151. To a proud Lady.
Is it birth puffes up thy mind ?
"Women best borne, are best inclin'd.
Is it thy breeding ? no, I ly'd;
Women well bred are foes to pride.
Is it thy beauty foolish thing ?
Lay by thy clothes there's no such thing.
Epigrams.
Is it thy vertue, that's deny'd,
Vertue is an opposite to pride.
Nay then walke on, Fie say no more,
Who made thee proud can make thee poore.
The devill onely hath the skill,
To draw faire fooles to this fowle ill.
152. On Panurgus.
Panurgus pryes in high and low affairs,
He talks of forraigne, and our civill state :
But for his own, he neither counts nor cares ;
That he refers to fortune and his fate,His neighbors faults straight in his face he'l find,
But in a bag he laps his own behind.
153. On Mzsus.
They say the Usurer Misus hath a mill,
Which men to powder grindeth cruelly;
But what is that to me ? I feare no ill,
For smaller than I am, I cannot bee.154. On a swearing Gallant
What God commands, this wretched creature loathes,
He never names his Maker, but by oathes:
And weares his tongue, of such a damned fashion,
That swearing is his only recreation.
In morning, even assoon as he doth rise,
He swears his sleep is scarcely out of's eyes :
Epigrams.
59
Then makes him ready, swearing all the while,
The drowzy weather did him much beguile.
Got ready, he, to dice or tables goes,
Swearing an oath at every cast he throws :
To dinner next, and then in stead of Grace,
He swears his stomack is in hungry case.
No sooner din'd, but cals, come take away,
And swears 'tis late, he must goe see a Play.
There sits, and sweares, to all he hears and see's,
This speech is good, that action disagrees.
So takes his Oares, and swears he must make hast,
His hour of Supper-time is almost past3 5 5- On a Mother and her son having but two eyes betwixt
them, each one.A half blind-boy, born of a half blind mother.
Peerlesse for beauty, save compar'd to th'other;
Faire boy, give her thine eye and she will prove
The Queen of beauty, thou the God of love.156. To his quill.
Thou hast been wanton, therefore it is meet,
Thou shouldst do penance for it in a sheet157. Of Christ crucified.
When red the Sun goes down, we use to say
It is a signe, we shall have a faire day:
Blood red the Sun of Heaven went down from hence
And we have had faire weather ever since.
6o
Epigrams.
158. Vpon Thorough-good an wiihrift.
Thy sir name Thorough-good befitteth thee,
Thou Thorough-good, and good goes thorough thee
Nor thou in good, nor good in thee doth stay,
Both of you, thorough goe, and passe away.159. In Amor em.
Love, if a God thou art, then evermore thou must
Be mercifull and just,
If just thou be, O wherefore doth thy dart,
Wound mine alone, and not my Mistrisse heart ?
If mercifull, then why am I to paine reserv'd,
Who have thee truly serv'd ?
Whiles she that for thy power cares not a fly,
Laughs thee to scorn, and lives at liberty:
Then if a God thou wilt accounted be,
Heale me like her, or else wound her like me.160. On the new dressings.
Ladyes that wear~e black cypresse vailes,
Turn'd lately to white linnen railes,
And to your girdle weare your bands ;
And shew your armes in stead of hands :
What can you do in Lent more meet,
As fittest dresse, than weare a sheet:
'Twas once a band, 'tis now a cloake,
An acorne one day proves an oake,
Weare but your lawn unto your feet,
And th$n your band will prove a sheet:
Epigrams. 61
By which device and wise excesse,
You do your pennance in a dresse,
And none shall know, by what they see,
"Which Lady's censur'd, which goes free.161. Thus answered,
Blacke Cypresse vailes are shrouds of night,
White linnen railes are railes of light;
Which though we to our girdles weare,
W'have hands to keepe your armes off there;
Who makes our bands to be a cloake,
Makes John a Stiles of John an Oke:
We weare our linnen to our feet,
Yet need not make our band a sheet
Your Clergie wears as long as wee,
Yet that implyes conformitie :
Be wise, recant what you have writ,
Lest you do pennance for your wit:
Love-charmes have power to weave a string
Shall tye you, as you ty'd your ring,
Thus by loves sharpe, but just decree
You may be censur'd, we go free.162. Amicitia.
What's friendship ? 'tis a treasure,
'tis a pleasure:
Bred 'twixt two worthy spirits,by their merits:
62 Epigrams.
Tis two minds in one, meeting
never fleeting:
Two wils in one consenting,each contenting,
One brest in two divided, yet not parted;
A double body, and yet single hearted;
Two bodies making one, through self election,
Two minds, yet having both but one affection.163. To Sextus,
Sextus thy wife is faire, that's not am.isse,
But she's a scould, tell me how lik'st thou this.164. Vxor Fortior.
Will by the warre would seeme a domineerer, j
But Anne his wife hath beene the ancient-bearer.
165. On a lost Purse.
There was a man that lost his purse,
And that was a shrewd disaster :
But was it ever knowne before,
That a purse should lose his master ?166. Fozlix donee------
While Turnus feasted, not a guest durst faile him,
But being arested, not a guest durst baile him.
Epigrams.
167. In Galium.
Gallus hath beene this summer in Freezeland,
And now return'd, he speaks such war-like words,
As if I could their English understand,
I feare me they would cut my throat like swords.
He talkes of counter-scarpes and casamates,
Of parapets, curteynes, and palizadoes,
Of flankers, raveling, gabions he prates,
And of false brags, and salleys, and scabadoes :
But to requite such gulling termes as these,
With words of my profession I reply,
I tell of sourching, vouchers, counter-pleas,
Of Withernams essoynes, and champertine,
So neither of us understanding the other,
We part as wisely as we came together.168* AFarrier Physitian.
A neate Physitian for a Farrier sends,
To dresse his horses, promising him amends :
No (quoth the Farrier) amends is made,
For nothing do we take of our owne trade.16<). Verbosihis.
Verbositus at words from Latine carv'd,
Du's snatch, as if his wits were hunger-starv'd :
And well he du's ; for sure so leane 'tis growne,
That from anatomy 'tis hardly knowne.
Epigrams.
It is so weake, as (truely) I protest,
Fine phrase rhetoricall 'twill not digest.Hark wouldst be wise ? by good words ill apply'd
The asse to be a foole by's own tongue's try'd;
Then if th'art wise, thy tongue hath thee bely'd.170. Fatum Supremum.
All buildings are but monuments of death,
All clothes but winding sheets for our last knell,
All dainty fattings for the worms beneath,
All curious musique, but our passing bell;Thus death is nobly waited on, -for why ?
All that we have is but deaths livery.
171. In Cupidinem.
Who grafts in blindnes may mistake his stock,
Love hath no tree, but that whose bark is smock.172. On a Picture.
This face here pictur'd time shall longer have,
Then life the substance of it, or the grave,
Yet as I change from this by death, I know,
I shall like death, the liker death I grow.173. On the City "Venice.
When in the Adriatick Neptune saw
How Venice stood, and gave the seas their law,
Epigrams.
65
Boast thy Tarpeian towers, now Jove said he,
And Mars thy wals, if Tiber 'fore the sea
Thou dost prefer, view both the cities ods,
Thou'lt say that men built Rome, Venice, the gods.174. To a Lady that every morning used to paint her
face.Preserve what nature gave you, nought's more base,
Then Belgian colour on a Roman face,
Much good time's lost, you rest your faces debtor,
And make it worse, striving to make it better,175. On a Cuckold.
My friend did tax me seriously one morne,
That I would weare, yet could not winde a home,
And I reply'd he perfect truth should find it,
Many did weare the home that could not wind it,
Howe're of all that man may weare it best,
Who makes claime to it as his ancient crest.176. On Taurus.
1st true that Taurus late hath lost his wit ?
How can that be, when never he had it ?
I could beleeve it, had he fought a fray,
And so perhaps his fingers cut away.177. On Man.
What shall I liken man to, man so proud,
And yet so miserable ? to a cloud,
vol. 11. f
66 Epigrams.
A vapour vrld, and of an abject birth, :
Extracted! from the humble worribe of earth ;
Yet proud; arid: still aspiring, ^bares upright,'
Till heaven it selfe lookes angry at the sight.
Now 'tis dispersed by the scorching sunne,
New frozen up in some cold region.
Here, and then there, it can no resting find,
But lightly fleetes before" each gale of wind :
Each tempest hurries it about, each stormes
Mangles, and rends it into a thousand formes :
Till stfleng^h tdst by night, consum'd by day;
It melts in teares and vanishes away.178. To Coracine.
If so be, Coracine, thou had'st disburst
But twenty Nobles^when I asl^d them first,
Th'hadst done a timely courtesie, and then
I should have ow'd thee twenty more for them.
But since thou didst it with such strange delay,
After some ten long months, or twelve months stay
Shall I tell truth ? why by yon starres that shine,
Th'hast lost thy twenty Nobles, Coracine.179. On Tasso.
Tasso writes verses, and imagines them
Farre longer-liv'd than old Methusalem :
When I say nay, he straight sweares in his rage;
Ware stronger than the iron teeth of age.
Epigrams. 67
Trust thy friends, Tasso, when they tell thee right;
Why should'st thou think so ? since in a short night,
Neither the spite of fury, fire, nor flames,
But one poore rat devour-d ten epigrams.180. On Stella.
As the pale moon, and stars shin'd clearly bright,
My fairest faire stood gazing on the skyes :
O that I had beene heaven then, that I might ?
Have view'd my Stella with so many eyes.181. Who best friend,
A louse I say: for when a man's distrest,
And others fall off, she stickes surest.A lecherous gallants blood, a Jesuites
Devisefull braine, the teares of hypocrites,
Salted with jeasts, and scurrill wantonnesse,
Saint Kitts tobacco, chopt for herbes all these,
Sod with the fop'ries of Arminian,
Ith' scull of a profound magitian,
And peppar'd well with every seed of evill,
Would make a messe of pottage for the devill182. To fortune.
Thou art a froward jade, and being such,
I cannot scold or raile at thee too much :
F 2
68 Epigrams.
Doting on fooles, thou hid'st thee from the wise,
Thou prostitut'st thy selfe to avarice*
Thou runn'st a whoring with the world, and sinne;
Thou cramm'st bold buzzards & lett'st eagles pine ;
Thou bowl'st thy golden pieces, where I can
Not get a mite : by the Justitian
Mantles his students all in robes of state,
And by the gallon makes his fortunate :
Yet I live poore, and while base ideots ride,
Marullo footes in Cuerpo by their side.
Untoward trull, could but this hand attatch thee,
Could all my skill, and best endeavours reach thee :
On thy owne wheele (proud dame) I'de make thee spin
Tissues, and Tyrian silkes to clothe mee in:
I'de make thee (blindfold as thou art) find out
All that is rare, and good, the world about,
To make mee happy, and for the least frowne,
I'de braine thee, with the ball thou stand'st upon.
183. To Momus*
Thou that dost wrest thy wrinkled face awry,
And canst not read these trifles willingly ;
May'st thou for ever envy other men,
But none have cause, to envy thee agen.184. On Phaulo.
phaulo weares brave clothes, yet his spirits faile ;
Phaulo eates wholsome meate, and yet he's pale,
Epigrams. 69
Phaulo takes physick, yet his spirits faile;
Phaulo hath good attendance, yet he's pale.
Phaulds a glutton, yet his spirits faile;
Phaulo drinks deepe, and whores, and yet he's pale.185. To Susa.
Why do I scorn to kiss thee ? thy nose runs,
Thy teeth are blacke and rotten in thy gums :
Why do I scorne to kisse thee ? thy breath stinks
Far worse than twenty fish-stalls, or town-sinks :
Why do I scorne to kisse thee ? thou art all
Surfeited, nasty, ill-complexion'd, pale,
Who scornes not (Susa) to kisse thee will scarce
Scorne to kisse (I thinke) a sick hang-mans arse.186. On Quacksalve.
This man is brother to the wDrmes, and can
Not live, but by corruption of man :
Deaths harbinger, that for bare one he saves,
Sends hundreds young, and old to people graves.
Yet still he lives in repute; he hath pelf,
And each good deed he does, proclaims it self,
But every bad one (as perforce it must)
With the dead corse lyes buried in the dust
Diseases are his health, and Quacksalve thrives
By purchasing ill fame, and selling lives.
'Tis well he knowes me not: for I must think,
If I come in his hands, hee'l make me stink.
jo
Epigrams.
187. On Saint Bernard.
Saint Bernards painted halfe, and ever shall:
For not a man a live can paint him all.188. On Captain Drad-nought and Lieutenant
Slaughter.
Slaughter he swels, and proudly gives the lie,
Which Drad-nought vowes to make him justifie.
Slaughter will kill, or else be killed ith' place :
Lieutenant curses, Captaine swears apace.
Lieutenant Slaughter belches out disdain,
And Captaine Drad-nought breathes all fire again
The rest, good gentlemen, stand trembling there,
Ready to quit the tavern all for feare :
There's not a man, but sues, and wooes, and sends
For what the house can yeeld, to make 'em friends.
Anchovise, Wine, dry'd Tongues, are brought in hast„
Which sight perswades their stubborne soules at last.
Anger abates, the storme is over-blowne,
And in rich Sack they drink the quarrell down.189. The Heavens mourn.
Why do the clouds showr rain so fast down ? why.
Blusters the North-winde so impetuously ?
This is the reason, as Divines give out,
Heaven sighs, and weeps for us, since we cannot190. On Poets.
Why do I climb Parnassus^ since my hope
Can but expect cold water at the top ?
Epigrams.
Why do I like a Taper in the night,
Consume my self still, to give others light ?
If fortunes Minions I should celebrate,
All my reward were, to be flouted at.
Wit, as a thing above them, they cry down,
Rather they'll saginate a beefe brain'd clown.
To laugh at them, or like fond easie Snites,
Be flattered out of all by Parasites.
Cock-pits and revels share their store ; Cards may
Shuffle away whole Lordships in a day :
But to a Poet charity's so cold,
They'l not afford the rust wip'd from their gold.
He that can frame a Morall glasse, whereby
To dresse them in the trim of .honesty ; , l
He that can stick them in t:he starry sky,, t
And mate their glories with eternity,
Must live a recluse to all happinesse,
His vertues cheekt, and clouded in distresse.
Avaunt then Muses nine, avaunt quick from me,
Now whilst my blooming years are growing on me
Phoebus his barren Laurell I'll refuse,
And the fat Olive with Minerva chuse.
191. To Tasso.
Well Tasso shalt thou dine with me,
If thou wilt bring good meat with thee,
And lusty wine, and pleasant wit,
And iests, and mirtji Jo/season it:
Well shalt thou ^me^ with -me to, day,
If thou wilt brjqg .but what I say :
Epigrams.
For thy Marulloes purse, heavens knows
Lies full of dust, and Spiders now.
But I will have my Doxy here,
And True-wit too, and Chanteclere
Shall run division on his Lute,
And rriake his voice together sute
Iu tunes of love, with other things,
As he can well: who when he sings,
Thou'lt wish (although thine own be long)
An asses eares to heare his song.192. On Pcefo*
Posto came by me like a man possest,
Lugging his locks, and beating on his brest.
And O ! he cryed, is any man like me ?
I've, buried my rich wife, yet live you see.
My .Posto is right valiant; his wife gives
Two thousand pounds, and leaves him ; yet he lives.
195. On Torquata.
Torquat® now drinks nothing but small beere,
Sack (he sayes) kils us : why what need we feare ?
The Scots will cut our throats, if we dye not:
We shall but put a trick upon a Scot.194. To the Reader.
Excuse me Reader, though I now and than,
In some light lines, do shew my selfe a man ;
Nor be so sowre, some wanton words to blame
They are the language of an Epigram.
Epigrams.
73
195. On Battus*
Battus doth brag he hath a world of books,
His studies maw holds more then well it may,
But seld' or never, he upon them looks,
And yet he looks upon them every day.
He looks upon their outside, but within
He never looks, nor never will begin :
Because it cleane against his nature goes
To know mens secrets, so he keeps them close.196. On Prue.
Prues nose hangs down so low, one would suppose
When ere she gapes, that Prue would eat her nose.197. To Gripe.
Gripe keeps his coin well, and his heaps are great,
For which he seems wise in his own conceit;
Be not deceiv'd Gripe, for ought I can see,
Thy bags in this senfe are as wise as thee.198. On Man and Woman.
When Man and Woman dyes, as Poets sung,
His heart's the last that stirs, of hers the tongue.199. On Womans will.
How dearly doth the honest husband buy,
His wives defect of Will when she doth dy ?
Better in death by Will to let her give,
Then let her have her will while she doth live.
74
Epigrams.
200. Spangle the spruce Gul:
Spruce Spangle's like to a cynamon tree;
His outside is of much more worth then he.201. To Cheerilus.
Eat Toste, and Oyl, eat supple herbs and loos,
For thou look'st wondrous costive Chcerilus.202. In Paulum,
By lawful mart, and by unlawfull stealth,
Paulus from th'Ocean hath deriv'd much wealth :
But on the Land, a little gulfe there is,
Wherein he drowneth all that wealth of his.203. Vestitusperitus.
Clitus goes oft time clad in Suits of Scarlet,
That els no colour had to play the Varlet.204. Of Poetus.
Poetus with fine Sonnets painted forth
This and that foul Ladies beauties worth :
He shews small wit therein, and for his pains,
By my consent, he never shall reap gains;
Why, what needs Poets paint them, O sweet elves !
When ladies paint their beauties best themselves.
Epigrams: 75,
205. Of Shift the Sharker.
Shift swears he keeps none but good company,
For, though th'are such as he did never see,
Worse than himself he's sure they cannot be.206. On an Vpstart.
Pray wrong not (late coyrfd) give the man his right,
He's made a Gentleman although no Knight,
For now 'tis cloaths the Gentleman doth make;
Men from gay cloaths their pedigrees do take;
But wot you what's the arms to such mens house ?
Why this—hands chancing of a Rampant Louse.207. Volens Nolens.
Will with provisio wills you testifie,
Has made his Will, but hath no will to dye.
208. Ad Clodium.
Wit, once thou said'st was worth thy weight in gold,
Though now't be common for a trifle sold ;
It dearer seems to thee that get'st not any,
(When thou shouldst use it) for thy love or money,209. In Getam.
Geta from wool and weaving first began,
Swelling and swelling to a Gentleman ;
Epigrams.
When he was Gentleman and bravely dight,
He left not swelling till he was a Knight :
At last (forgetting what he was at first)
He sweld to be a Lord, and then he burst.210. To Emson.
Emson thou once in Dutch wouldst court a wench,
But to thy cost she answered thee in French.211. In Eimum.
Fimus is coach'd, and for his farther grace
Doth ask his friends how he becomes the place;
Troth I should tell him, the poor coach hath wrong
And that a cart would serve to carry Dung.212......In Flaccum.
The false knave Flaccus once a bribe I gave;
The more fool I, to bribe so false a knave:
But he gave back my bribe, the more fool he,
That for my folly did not cousen me.213. Of Womens naked Breasts.
In open shops flyes often blow that flesh,
Which in close safes might be kept longer fresh.
They but invite flesh-flyes, whose full spread paps
Like road wayes lye between their lips and laps.214. On Morcho.
Morcho for haste was married in the night,
What needed day? his fair young wife is light
Epigrams.
77
215. On a Bragadocio.
Don Loltus brags, he comes from Noble blood,
Drawn down from Brutus line ; 'tis very good,
If this praise-worthy be, each Flea may then,
Boast of his blood more then some Gentlemen,216. Edens vomens.
Cacus that sups so duly at the Rose,
Casts up the reckoning truly ere he goes.217. On a Pump stopt with stones.
M. I'le cut it down, I swear by this same hand,
If 'twill not run, it shall no longer stand.R. Pray sir be patient, let your pump alone,
How can it water make when't hath the stone ?Yet did he wisely when he did it fell,
For in so doing he did make it well
218. Of Prittle-prattle.
Though th'danger be not great, of all tame cattle,
Yet the most troublesome is Prittle-prattle.219. In Autunt.
Thou still art muttring Aulus in mine eare,
Love me and love my Dog: I will I swear,
Thou ask'st but right; and Aulus, truth to tell, '
I think thy Dog deserves my love as well.
78
Epigrams.
220. Ad Tilenum.
Tilenus 'cause th'art old, fly not the field
Where youthfull Cupid doth his banner wield;
For why ? this god, old men his souldiers stil'd;
None loves but he who hath been twice a child.221. To Vellius.
Thou swearst I bowl as well as most men do,
The most are bunglers, therein thou say'st true.222. Three Genders.
A wife although most wise and chast,
is of the doubtfull gender;
A Quean o'th'Common: Feminines,are Women small and tender.
223. OfBrawle.
Brawle loveth brabling, as he loves his life,
Leave him for dead, when he leaves stirring strife.224. In Paulum.
Paul) what my cloak doth hide thou fain wouldst know,-
Wer't to be seen I would not cover't so.225. Of sleep and death.
That death is but a sleep I not deny,
Yet when I next would sleep, I would not dye.
Epigrams.
79
226. Vpon Methusus.
Methusus ask'd'.me why I call'd him sot
I answer made, because he lov'd the pot,
For while Methusus. jmsiQ i&} with it,
The fool I'm sure's as busie with his wit,227. On Thraso.
Thraso goes lame with blows he did receive
In a late duell, if you'l him believe.228. News,
When News doth come, if any would discusse
The Letters of the word, resolve it thus :
News is conveyed t>y fetter, wprd, or mouth,
And comes to us from North, East, West, and South.
, -. ... .... .,.,,?
229* Of Rufus.
Rufus had rob'd his Host, and being put to it,
Said, I am an arrant rogue if I did do it.230. Of Marcus.
When Marcus fail'd, a borrowed sum to pay
Unto his friend at the appointed day ;
'Twere superstition for a man, he sayes,
To be a strict observer of set dayes.
Epigrams.
231. Of a Thief.
A thief arrested, and in custody
Under strong guards of armed company,
Askt why they held him so; Sir, quoth the chief,
We hold you for none other then a thief.232. Of Motion.
Motion brings heat, and thus we see it prov'd,
Most men are hot and angry when they'r mov'd.2 33- Formall the Fashionist
Formall all form and fashion is, for matter,
Who sayes he sees it in him, doth but flatter;
Open and search him, you shall quickly find
With what coarse Canvas his soft silks are lin'd.234. Ad Scriptorem quend.
Half of your book is to an Index growne,
You give your book contents, your Reader none.235. Riches.
Gold's th'onely God, Rich men bear rule,
Money makes Majesty:
Rich Pluto, not plain Plato now,Speaks with applause most high.
236. On Sextus.
Sextus doth wish his wife in Heaven were,
Where can she have more happinesse then there ?
Epigrams.
81
237. Secreta nobis,
Tassus from Temple-stairs by water goes,
To Westminster, and back to Temple rowes,
Belike he loves not trot too much the street
Or surbait on the stones his tender feet:
Tut! come, there's something in't must not be known,
But sir beleev't, The debt is not his own.
233. Of Text-corrupters.
Bad commentators spoyl the best of books;
So God gives meat, (they say) the Devil sends cooks.
239. On a Drawer drunk*
Drawer with thee now even is thy wine,
For thou hast pierc'd his hogs-head, and he thine.
240. Vpon the weights of a Clock,
I wonder time's so swift, when as I see,
Upon her heels, such lumps of lead to be.241. On Cynna.
Because I am not of a Gyants stature,
Despise me not, nor praise thy liberall nature,
For thy huge limbs ; that you are great, 'tis true,
And that I'm little in respect of you :
The reason of our growths is eas'ly had,
You, many had perchance; I but one Dad.
vol. 11. G
82
Epigrams,
242. On Alastrus.
Alastrus hath nor coyn, nor spirit, nor wit?
I think hee's only then for Bedlam fit.243. Of Mendacio.
Mendacio pretends to tell men Newes :
And that it may be such, himselfe doth use
To make it: but that will no longer need,
Let him tell truth, it will be News indeed.244. On Landanno.
Landanno in his gallant bravery,
Ruffled his Silks, lookt big, and thrust me by :
And still as often as he meets me so,
My home-spun cloth must to the channell go.
Advise thee well Landanno, children note,
And fools admire thee for thy velvet coat:
I keep {Landanno) in repute with such,
As think they cannot scorn poor thee too much.
But thou canst squire fine Madams, thou canst vail
Thy cap and feather, cunge, and wag thy tail
Most decently : Now by yon stars that shine,
So thou transcend'st me : Take the wall, 'tis thine.
245. On Shanks. 0
Shanks swears he fasts ; and always cryes for beef:
O how he fasts ! that's how fast eats the theef!
Epigrams.
83
246. Cito bene.
Sir jfohn at Mattins prayes he might dispatch,
Who by true promise is to bowl a match.247. Of Pertinax.
It will, it must, it shall be so,
Saith Pertinax; but what's the reason trow?
Nay, that I cannot tell, nor doth he know.
248. To valiant Danimee.
Dammee thy brain is valiant, 'tis confest;
Thou more, that with it every day dar'st jest
Thy self into fresh braules; but calPd upon,
With swearing Damme, answer'st every one.
Keep thy selfe there, and think thy valour right,
He that dares Damne himself, dares more then fight.249. On Comuto.
Cornuto is not jealous of his wife,
Nor e're mistrusts her too lascivious life,
Ask him the reason why he doth forbear,
Hee'l answer straight, it cometh with a fear.250. On a Shrew.
A froward shrew being blam'd because she show'd
Not so much reverence as by right she ow'd
Unto her husband, she reply'd he might
Forbear complaint of me, I do him right;
His will is mine, he would bear rule, and I
Desire the like, onely in sympathy.G 2
84
Epigrams.
251. Of Lawlesse,
Lawksse tbe worst times liketh best, wliy ist ?
Because then Lawksse may doe what he list.252. A rich Curre.
Dru dares good men deprave because bee's rich,
Whether more fool or knave, I know not which.253. On a Youth married to an Old Woman.
A smooth-fac'd youth, what wedded to an old
Decrepit Shrew ! (such is the power of Gold)
Thy fortune I dare tell; perchance thou'lt have
At Supper dainties, but in bed a grave.254. On a Fly in a glasse.
A Fly out of his glasse a guest did take,
E're with the liquor he his thirst would slake;
When he had drunk his fill, again the Fly,
Into the glasse he put, and said, though I
Love not Flyes in my drink, yet others may,
Whose humour I nor like, nor will gain-say.255. On Collimus.
If that Collimus any thing do lend,
Or dog, or Horse, or Hawk unto his friend,
He to endear the borrowers love the more,
Saith he ne'r lent it any one before,
Epigrams.
Nor would to any but to him : His wife
Having observ'd these speeches all her life,
Behinde him forks her ringers, and doth cry,
To none but you, I'de do this courtesie.256. To Loquax.
Loquax, to hold thy tongue would do thee wrong,
For thou wouldst be no man but for thy tongue.257. Good wits jump.
Against a post a scholar chanc'd to strike
At unawares his head ; like will to like :
Good wits will jump (quoth he :) if that be true,
The title of a block-head is his due.258. On Wornens Masks.
It seems that Masks do women much disgrace,
Sith when they wear them they do hide their face.2 5 9' Of Sawcy the Intruder.
Sawcyy though uninvited, is so rude,
As into every comp'ny to intrude;
But he's no fit companion for any,
Who alwayes makes the number one too many.
260. Vpon a pair of Tongs.
The burnt child dreads the fire ; if this be true,
Who first invented Tongs its fury knew.
86 Epigrams.
261. Lawyers and Souldiers.
If Lawyers had for Term, a tearm of warre,
Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers are;
But here's the difference between Guns and Gowns,
These take good Angels, th'other take crack't crowns.262. On Momus.
Momus can call another fool, but he
Can never make his brain and wit agree.263. Woman.
A woman is a book, and often found
To prove far better in the Sheets then bound :
No marvail then, why men take such delight
Above all things to study in the night.264. Clytus cunning.
Clytus the Barber doth occasion fly,
Because 'tis bald, and he gains nought thereby.
265. Rich promises.
Lords promise soon, but to perform are long,
Then would their purse-strings were ty'd to their tongue. *
266. On Comptulus.
I wonder'd Comptulus, how thy long hair,
In comely curies should show so debonair,
Epigrams.
And every hair in order be, when as
Thou couldst not trim it by a looking glasse,
Nor any Barber did thy tresses pleat;
'Tis strange ; but Monsieur I conceive the feat;
When you your hair do kemb, you off it take,
And order't as you please for fashion sake.
267. On Gellius.
In building of his house, Gellius hath spent
All his revenues and his ancient rent,
Ask not a reason, why Gellius is poor,
His greater house hath turn'd him out of door.
268. To Pontus.
At Supper time will Pontus visit me,
I'd rather have his room then company ;
But if him, from me I can no ways fright,
I'd have him visit me each fasting night.269. Balbus.
Balbus a verse on Venus boy doth scan,
But ere 'twas finish'd Cupid's grown a man.270. On a Pot-Poet.
What lofty verses Coelus writes ? it is
But when his head with wine oppressed is :
So when great drops of rain fall from the skies
In standing pools, huge bubbles will arise.
Epigrams.
2)1* On Onellus*
Thou never supp'st abroad, Onellus, true;
For at my home I'm sure to meet with you.2 72- Of Professed Atheists*
If even Devils themselves believe and tremble,
Atheists profest methinks should but dissemble.373. To Termagant*
My Termagant, as I have ought to save,.
I neither calFd thee fool, nor knave :
That which I cal'd thee is a thing well known*
A trifle not worth thinking on :
What I suppose thy self wilt easily grant,,
I calTd thee Cuckold, Termagant*
274. On a Vertuous Talker,
If vertue's alwayes in thy mouth, how can
It ere have time to reach thy heart, fond man ?
275- To Smerus*
Beleeve Severus* that in these my Rimes
I tax no person but the common crimes.276. Vpon Pigs devouring a bed of Penny-royally
commonly called Organs*A good wife once a bed of Organs set,
The pigs came in and eat up every whit,
The good man said, wife you your Garden may-
Hogs Norton call, here Pigs on Organs play.
Epigrams. 89
277. On Gubbs.
Gubbs calls his children Kitlins : and wo'd bound
(Some say) for joy to see those Kitlings droimd.278. On a Fortune-teller,
The influence of the stars are known to the£>
By whom thou canst each future fortune see •
Yet sith thy wife doth thee a Cuckold make,
Tis strange they do not that to thee partake.279. To sweet sir Out-side.
Th'expence in Odours, is a foolish sin, *
Except thou couldst sweeten thy corps within.280. On a Gallant.
A glittering gallant, from a prancing Steed,
Alighting down desir'd a boy with speed
To hold his horse a while, he made reply,
Can one man hold him fast ? 'twas answer'd, I •
If then one man can hold him Sir, you may
Do it your self, quoth he, and slunk away.2 8 t . To Eras-m us.
That thou art a man each of thy learn'd works shows,
But yet thy name tels us thou wast a Mouse.282. On Bunce.
Money thou ow'st me ; prethee fix a day
For payment promis'd, though thou never pay •
Let it be Dooms-day; nay, take longer scope;
Nay when th'art honest; let me have some hope.
Epigrams.
283. On an empty House.
Lollus by night awak'd heard Theeves about
His house, and searching narrowly throughout
To find some pillage there, he said, you may
By night, but I can find nought here by day.284. A trim Barber.
Neat Barber trim, I must commend thy care,
Which dost all things exactly to a haire.285. On a bragging Coward.
Corsus in camp, when as his mates betook
Themselves to dine, encourag'd them and spoke,
Have a good stomach Lads, this night we shall
In heaven at Supper keep a festivall.
But battail join'd he fled away in hast,
And said, I had forgot, this night I fast.286. On a great Nose.
Thy Nose no man can wipe, Proe/us, unless
He have a hand as big as Hercules:
When thou dost sneeze the sound thou dost not hear,
Thy Nose is so far distant from thine ear.
287. On an unequallpair.
Fair Phillis is to churlish Priscus wed,
As stronger wine with waters mingled \
Epigrams.
Priscus his love to Phillis more doth glow
With fervency then fire ; hers cold as snow :
Tis well, for if their flames alike did burn,
One house would be too hot to serve their turn.288. In Quintum.
Quintus is burnt, and may thereof be glad,
For being poor he hath a good pretence
At every church to crave benevolence,
For one that had by fire lost all he had.289. On a changeable Payment.
Know you why Lollus changeth every day,
His Perriwig, his face, and his array?
'Tis not because his comings in are much,
Or 'cause hee'l swill it with the roaring Dutcji;
But 'cause the Sergeants (who a Writ have had
Long since against him) should not know the lad.290. On Guesse.
Guesse cuts his shooes, and limping goes about
To have men think he's troubled with the Gout.
But 'tis no Gout (believe it) but hard beeie,
Whose acrimonious humour bites him here.291. On Stale-Batch.
For all night-sins with other wives unknown
Patch now doth daily penance in his own.
Epigrams.
292. To sir Guilty.
Guilty, be wise; and though thou knowest the crimes
Be thine I tax; yet do not own my rimes;
'Twere madnesse in thee to betray thy fame,
And person to the world, ere I thy name.293. Veritas subverta.
Luke that a man on horse-back met but late,
Would simply seem thus to equivocate,
And strong maintain 'gainst them, contend who dare,,
'Twas meerly but a Taylor and a Mare.294. On Hugh.
Hugh should have gone to Oxford th'other day,
But turn'd at Tiburn, and so lost his way.295. On a Painted Madam.
Men say y'are fair ; and fair ye are, 'tis true,
But (Hark!) we praise the Painter now, not you.296. On Barossa.
Barossa boasts his pedigree, although
He knows no letter of the Christ-Crosse row.
His house is ancient, and his gentry great,
For what more ancient e're was heard of yet
Then is the family of fools ? how than
Dare you not call Barossa Gentleman ?
Epigrams.
297. Experto credendum.
How durst Capritius call his wedlock whore,
But that he speaks it plusquam per narratum.
Nam ipse teste: what require you more,
Unlesse you'ld have it magis approbatum ?298. On Jack Cut-purse.
Jack Cut-purse is, and hath been patient long,
For hee's content to pocket up much wrong.299. On Afer.
Afer hath sold his land and bought a horse,
Whereon he pranceth to the royall Burse,
To be on hors-back he delights; wilt know ?
'Cause then his company he'd higher show:
But happy chance tall Afer in his pride,
Mounts a Gunnelly and on foot doth ride.300. On Charismus.
Thou hast compos'd a Book, which neither age,
Nor future time shall huit through all their rage;
For how can future times or age invade,
That work which perished as soon as made ?301. Facilis descensus Avernu
The way to hell is easie, th'other day,
A blind man thither quickly found the way.
94
Epigrams.
302. Age and Youth.
Admire not youth, despise not age, although
Some young are grave, most old men children grow.303. On Orus.
Orus sold wine, and then tobacco, now
He aqua-vitae doth his friends allow.
What e're he had was sold to save his life,
And now turn'd Pander, he doth sell his wife.304, On Sneape.
Sneape has a face so brittle, that it breaks
Forth into blushes, whensoere he speaks.305. On Acerra.
Tobacco hurts the brain Physitians say,
Doth dull the wit, and memory decay,
Yet fear not thou Acerra, for 'twill ne're
Hurt thee so much by use, as by thy feare.306. Empta nostra.
Madam La Foy wears not those locks for nought,
Ask at the Shop else, where the same she bought.307. On Briso.
Who private lives, lives well, no wonder then,
You doe absent you from the sight of men,
■Epigrams. 95
For out of doors you ne'r by day appear,
What, is a Sergeant such a huge Bug-bear ?*308. A Foolish Querie.
How rich a man is, all desire to know ;
But none inquires if good he be or no.309. On the King of Swedens Picture.
Who but the half of this neat Picture drew,
That it could ne're be fully done, well knew.310. B. J?, answer to a Thief bidding him stand.
Fly villain hence, or by thy coat of steel,
Fie make thy heart my brazen bullet feel,
And send that thrice as theeyish soule of thine
To hell, to wear the Devils Valentine.311. Thiefs reply.
Art thou great Ben ? or the revived ghost
Of famous Shakespeare ? or some drunken host ?
Who being tipsie with thy muddy beer,
Dost think thy rimes shall daunt my soule with fear ?
Nay know base Slave, that I am one of those
Can take a purse as well in verse as prose;
And when th' art dead write this upon thy herse,
Here lyes a Poet that was rob'd in verse.
* The fourth line in ed. 1641 runs thus :
Since last you lost i'th pillory your eare.
Epigrams.
312. Nothing New.
Nothing is new : we walk were others went;
There's no vice now but has his president.313* On Cupid.
Cupid hath by his sly and subtill Art,
A certain Arrow shot, and pierc'd my heart;
What shall I doe to be reveng'd on love ?
There is but one way, and that one I'll prove;
I'le steale his Arrows, and will head them new
With womens hearts, and then they'l ne'r fly true.314. A Tobacconist
All dainty meats I doe dene,
Which feed men fat as swine,
He is a frugall man indeed
That on a leaf can dine.
He needs no Napkin for his hands,
His fingers ends to wipe,
That keeps his Kitchin in a Box,
And roast-meat in a Pipe.
315. Feeble standing.
Mat being drunken, much his anger wreaks
On's wife; but stands to nothing that he speaks.316. Long and Lazie.
That was the Proverb. Let my Mistriss be
Lazie to others ; but be-long to me:.
Epigrams, 97
317. On the Tobacconist
If mans flesh be like swines, as it is said
The Metamorphosis is sooner made :
Then full fac'd Gnatho no Tobacco take,
Smoaking your corps, lest Bacon you do make.318. Another.
Tom I commend thee above all I know,That sold'st thy cushion for a pipe of To------
For now 'tis like if e're thou study more,
Thou'lt sit to't harder than thou didst before.319. On Button the grave-maker.
Ye powers above and heavenly poles,
Are graves become but Button-holes ?320. On long hair.
Lucas long hair down to his shoulders wears,
And why ? he dares not cut it for his ears.321. To a stale Lady.
Thy wrinkles are no more, nor less,
Then beautie turn'd to sowerness.322. The Crab is restorative.
The Crab of the wood
Is sawce very good,For the Crab of the foaming Sea;
But the wood of a Crab
Is sawce for a drab
That will not her husband obey.
vol. 11. h
98 Epigrams.
323. Alius alt lor.
Would you with Cajus offer now confer
In such a familiar sort as heretofore ?
And not observe he's grown an Officer,
That looks for adoration ten times more ?
Tut! what of pedegree, or turpe domo,
Tis not so now ye see, nam ecce homo.324. Sorte tua contentus.
If adverse fortune bring to passe,
And will that thou an asse must be ;
Then be an asse, and live an asse,
For out of question wise is he
That undergoes with humble mind,
The state that chance hath him assigned.325. On a pretender to Prophecy.
Ninety two years the world as yet shall stand,
If it do stand or fall at your command ;
But say, who plac'd you not the worlds end nigher
Lest ere you dy'd you might be prov'd a Iyer ?326. Mart. lib. 8. Epigr. 69.
Old Poets onely thou dost praise,
And none but dead ones magnifie;
Pardon Vocerta, thee to please,I am not yet in mind to die.
Epigrams.
99
327. On a Gamester.
For hundred-thousands Matho places ;
Olus what's that to thee ?•
Not thou by means thereof, I tro\v,But Maiho poor shall be.
328. Parctis profusus.
Old doting Claudus that rich miser known,
Made drunk one night, and jumping but with Joan
Was forc't not only to discharge the shot,
But keep the bastard which the guU ne'r got.329. On Fr. Drake.
Sir Drake, whom well the worlds end knew,
Which thou didst compasse roufld,
And whom both Poles of Heaven once saw,Which North and South do bound,
The Stars above would make thee known,If men here silent were ;
The Sun himselfe cannot forget,his fellow Traveller.
330. B.J. approbation of a copy of verses.
One of the witty sort of Gentlemen?
That held society with learned Bert------
Shew'd him some verses of a tragick sense
Which did his ear much curious violence;
h 2
IOO
Epigrams.
But after Ben had been a kinde partaker
Of the sad lines, he needs must know the maker;
What unjust man he was, that spent his time,
And banish'd reason to advance his rime :
Nay gentle Ben, replyes the Gentleman,
I see I must support the Poet than;
Although those humble strains are not so fit
For to please you, hee's held a pretty wit;
Is he held so ? (sayes Ben) so may a Goos,
Had I the holding, I would let him loos.331. Vt pluma perso?i a.
Why wears Laurentius such a lofty feather ?
Because he's proud and foolish both together,332. Gain and Gettings.
When other gain much by the present cast,
The Coblers getting time, is at the last.333. Domina prcedominans.
Ill may Radulphas boast of rule or riches,
That lets his wife rule him, and wear the breeches,
334. On DolL
Do// she so soone began the wanton trade;
She ne'r remembers that she was a mayde.335. To a Nose and Teeth very long*
Gape 'gainst the Sun, and by thy Teeth and Nose
'Tis easie to perceive how the day goes.
Epigrams,
101
336. On a Welshman and an Englishman.
There was time a difference began,
Between a Welshman and an Englishman,
And thus it was ; the Englishman would stand
Against all Argument, that this our land
Was freest of her fruits : there is a place,
Quoth he, whose ground so fruitfull is of grasse,
But throw a staff in't but this night, you shall
Not see't the morrow, 'twould be cover'd all.
The Welshman cry'd, 'tis true it might lye under
The o'r-grown grass, which is with us no wonder:
For turn your horse into our fruitfull ground,
And before morning come, he shan't be found.337. On Pride.
Why pride to others doth her selfe