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THE BOOK OF
A
THOUSAND
LAUGHS
By
O. U. SCHWEINICKLEOh, die Gedanken. wie die stanken
Aus des Arschlock eines Kranken
LIMERICKS
There was a young lady quite wild,
Though wild, she remained undefiled
By thinking of Jesus and contagious diseases,
And the danger of having a child.
* *
NEW HAMPSHIRE
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her,
And one made so brave
As to violently wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
* *
ENGLAND
There are many fine ladies in Birmingham.
Have you heard the awful scandal concerning 'em?
How they lifted the frock
And played with the cock
Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em.
* *
SIBERIA
There once was a Monk from Siberia,
Who of praying grew weary and wearier,
So he rushed into a Cell with a horrible yell,
And buggered the Father Superior.
* *
CHINA
There was once a heathen Cinhee,
Who went out in the Backyard to Pee,
Said he, what is thisee ? My cockee no pissee,
Helle, God Damee, Cordee.
* *
WISCONSIN
There once was a man from Eau Claire,
Who was banging his girl on a chair,
At the forty-first stroke the furniture broke,
And his gun it went off in the air.
* *
PROBABLY ATLANTIC CITY
There once was a plumber named Plumb,
Who was plumbing his girl by the Sea.
Said the Girl, I hear some one coming,
Oh, no, said the Plumber, that's me.
* *
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who performed a remarkable trick.
He greased his ass hole with butter
And then inserted his prick.
Now he did not do this for pleasure,
Nor did he do it for pelf.
He simply did it to oblige a friend
Who told him to go F. . . himself.
SCOTLAND
There was a young man from Clyde
Who fell in a shit house and died
He had a young brother, who fell in another
Now they both are "interred "Side by side."
THE LOVE ALHABET
A stands for Amour, which begins the affair
B for Boudoir, to which they repair.
C for the Cigarettes which are smoked in between
D for the Drinks, which sometimes are seen.
E for the Elevator which takes them up,
F for French Restaurant, like the Poodle Dog or Pup.
G for the Girl, may her ardor ne'er cool,
H for Husband, silly old Fool.
I for illicit love, long may it reign
J for the joy of it, giving sweet pain.
K for her kisses, provoking encore,
L for her lingerie strewn on the Floor,
M is for Me, dear, Gee ain't it grand.
N for both Nature and Nudity stand,
O for the Ohs, oft heard in the Night,
P for Perfection, which practice makes quite.
Q for Quantity and Quality too,
R for Resistance, 'tis found in a few.
S for her Skin, as fair as a Pearl,
T for Technique, which makes the head whirl.
U for Unity, which Nature has Taught,
V for Virginity, horrible thought.
W for Whirling Spray, noble Invention,
X for Expenses needless to mention,
Y for You, dear, inspiring this rhyme,
Z for the Zest of it, may it endure for all time.
(Parody of the Above)
THE LOVER'S ALPHABET
A for the Artful word he uses
B for the Blush as she gently refuses
C for the Creep of his hand up her legs
D for the Don't as he quietly begs
E for the Excitement when his hand get higher
F for the Feeling of ticklish desire
G for the Gasp as her sweet spot he touches
H for her Helplessness fast in his clutches
I for the Itching which makes her feel hot
J for the Jumps as he touches her spot
K for the Kiss with which he rewards her
L for the Love he now has to her
M for the Move they make into bed
N for the Neat way her legs are outspread
O for the Opening thereby revealed
P for the Pencil already peeled
Q for the Queer feeling she has when it's in
R for the Rapture even though it is sin
S for the Strokes which wax stronger and stronger
T for the Throbs which she wants to last longer
U for the Unction which comes with a rush
V for the Vim which attends a last push
W for the Wishes to do it again
Y for the Yearning which girls have for men
Z for the Zeal which the pleasure inspires.
AND THIS IS THE STORY OF ARDENT DESIRE
—Byron(?)
A frail young lady named Ilder
Went around with a husky young builder
Who thought that he should, that he could—and he would!
Also he did—and he damn near killed her.
* *
The scorpion climbed on the tarantwla's neck
And chortled with fiendish glee
I'll fuck this poisonous son of a bitch
Or—it's a cinch that he'll fuck me.
* *
Hickory is the hardest wood
Jazzing does the ladies good
It brightens their eyes and widens their thighs
And gives their ass good exercise.
* *
If the skirts grow any shorter
Said the flapper with a sob,
I'll have two more cheeks to powder
And another place to bob.
* *
There was a young man from Cape Corn,
Who wished that he never was born,
He wouldn't have been,
But the rubber was thin,
And neither one knew it was torn.
* *
There was a young man from Florida
Got stuck on a nasty, old, horrid whore.
When he got into bed
He said, "God strike me dead,
This ain't a cunt, it's a corridor."
* *
There was once an aesthetic young Miss
Who thought it was heavenly bliss
To fuck herself silly with the stem of a lilly
And sit on a sunflower to piss.
WITH APOLOGIES TO KIPLING
A fool there was and he made a prayer,
Even as you and I,
To a Rag and a Bone and a Hank of Hair;
Then he put the Bone up against the Hair,
And the Dam Fool found that the Rag was there.
For when the one greater scorer comes
To write against your name
He writes not what you won or lost
But how you played the game.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever God may be
For my unconquerable soul.
It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
* *
IF
If you were to sin, like Elanor Glyn
Would you sin on a tiger skin?
Or would you prefer to err
On some other kind of fur
No—if I would sin like Elanor Glyn
I would sin—
On a White Bare? Skin.
* *
LIMERICKS
A charming young lady named Hopper
Committed a Social cropper
She went to South Bend—with a gentleman friend
And the rest of the story's improper.
* *
SHATTERED IN COLLEGE
There was once a young Vassar B. A.
Who worked at this problem all day.
Where the Quotient could be if C-U-N-T
Were divided by C-O-C-K.
Just then a Yale Student passed by
And she gave him this problem to try.
With the greatest of precision, he made the division,
And the Quotient was B-A-B-Y.
* *
TOASTS
A man may kiss his wife good-by
The Rose may kiss the Butterfly
The Sparkling wine may kiss the glass
But you my friend—farewell.
* *
I want the men I want the wine,
I want the lights that brightly shine;
I want the fun without the price,
I want to be naughty and yet be nice.
I want the thrill of a long drawn kiss
I want the things that good girls miss
I want the heart and arms of a man
And still stay single if I can
Now what I want is a little advice
On how to be naughty and yet be nice.
I don't want to die in the Wintertime
When everything is drear
I don't want to die in the Springtime
When the Summer time is near
I don't want to die in the Summer time
When the fields are ripe with corn,
But if I must die let me die in the Autumn,
On September Morn.
* *
If you were me and I were you
And no one on this earth but just we two
And each were sure that no one knew
I would—would you?
Here's to the Girls
Who GO with you
And Here's to those
Who COME with me.
Here's to the girls who will,
And here's to the girls who won't
And here's to the girls who say they will
And then you find they won't.
But of all the girls I've met
I'm sure you'll say I'm right
The girls I like the very best
Are those who say they won't
That look as though they might.
* *
Sixty years have come and gone
He's now behind the barrier
And what was once a magic wand
Is now, but a water carrier.
* *
The King sat in the counting house
Counting out his wealth
The Queen was in her bed room
Playing with herself
The Maid was in the pantry
Explaining to the groom
That the Vagina, not the Rectum
Is the entrance to the Womb.
* *
Here's to you and me and Blighty,
I in my Pajamas and you in your nighty.
After a few drinks we all get Flighty,
So, why the Pajamas and why the Nighty.
She saw him, and she sought him,
Seeking him, she met him,
Meeting him, she loved him,
Loving him, she let him,
Letting him, she lost him.
There's an old homely adage, 'mongst maidens forlorn,
The older the buck, the stiffer the horn;
But those who have lived down the age to know why,
Say this is a chestnut and all a damn lie.
From 20 to 30, if the man is all right,
Its twice in the morning and three times at night;
From 30 to 40, as sure as you're bom,
Its twice in the night and once in the morn;
From 40 to 50, without any warning,
He drops it at night or else in the morning;
From 50 to 60, its just now then,
And from 60 to 70, its God knows when;
And if he's past 70, as with all mankind,
If he does it at all, its all in his mind.
With women its different, its morning, noon and night
Regardless of whether they live long or right.
Age makes no difference as they are always inclined,
Nothing to get ready, not even their mind.
So its easy to see, after all's said and done
A man at sixty has completed his run
The woman at sixty, as figures don't lie,
Can take the old root until the day comes to die.
I am growing older every year
Gray Hairs are getting thicker, every year,
And my capacity for likker is getting less every year,
And though in some respects I'm bigger
I am slower on the trigger
And I cut less and less of a figger, every year.
SPOONING TIME
King Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch,
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin'—
But much can be done on a couch.
* *
A MODERN VERSION
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jill came down with a two-dollar bill,
—Do you think they went for water?
* *
Sailing down the river,
Sitting in the stern:
Her hand in hisn,
And his hand in hern.
* *
A man on a trip through the Grand Canyon decided to make
"Angel Pass" on burros—while going up the grade he describes in a
letter as follows:
"As I sit on my ass in the Angel Pass,
This paradox comes to my mind—
One half of my ass
Is ahead of my ass,
And the whole of my ass is behind."
And that's that.
At a banquet every one present was requested to arise and make a wish. Presuming, of course, that everyone would express himself
as to what his dearest wish would be, one young man said:
"I wish I were a Diamond Ring
On some fair Maiden's hand,
So every time she wiped herself
I'd see the Promised Land."
* *
Who were the three most constipated men mentioned in the Bible?
Cain, because he wasn't able. Moses, because they gave him Tablets and Balam, because he had so much trouble with his ass.
* *
HERE'S HOPING
Here's hoping you live as long as you want to,
Here's hoping you want to as long as you live.
If I am asleep, when you want to, wake me,
And if, when awake, I don't want to—make me.
Tell me, what is worse than being all dressed up and no place
to go?
All undressed and can't come.
* *
If a passionate puppy is a hot dog, what is a constipated kitten?
A tight pussy. * *
NIGARA FALLS! The bridge's second great disappointment!
* *
A BUGGEROR—Says Oscar Wilde—is one who enlarges the
circle of his friends.
* *
What is the most useless space in the world?
Very easy. The space between twin beds.
* *
Life's Irony: One night with Venus. Six months with Mercury.
* *
Are you going to send your wife to the country? "No, I think
I'll fuck her myself."
* *
The height of Ambition:—A flea climbing up an elephant's
hind leg, with intent to commit rape!
* *
The height of Precaution:—An Old Maid putting a cundrum
on her candle.
* *
The most perilous indoor sport is said to be: BUTTON, BUTTON, HERE COMES MY HUSBAND.
* *
"Why is a Ford car called a Henry in Detroit and a Lizzie in
New York?"
"Because by the time it gets to New York it loses its nuts."
* *
Rape: Assult with intent to please.
A dog's idea of heaven: A mile of trees and a belly-full of piss.
A fool and her legs are soon parted.—
* *
Ziegfield chorus girls were sent on a hunt recently for a book
called Life of an African Princess by Erasmus B. Black.
It was said of a certain erotomaniac that he had cunt on his
mind so much that regularly every month he had a nosebleed!
* *
Isn't it peculiar that there are so many more Horses Asses in
the world than there are Horses?
* *
AN EXPERIENCE TABLE
March
4.
Advertising for a girl to do typewriting------$
1.30
" 9.
Violets for new typewriter ............................................. .50
" 13.
Week's salary of typewriter ..........................................
10.00
" 16.
Roses for typewriter......................................................... 2.00
" 20.
Miss Remington's salary......................................................
15.00
" 20.
Candy for wife and children over Sunday..........60
" 22.
Box of bonbons for Miss Remington........................ 4.00
" 26.
Lunch for Miss Remington .......................................... 5.75
" 27. Daisie's salary...........................................................................
20.00
" 29.
Theatre and supper with Daisie at Del's ............
19.00
" 30.
Sealskin for wife..................................................................... 225.00
" 30.
Silk dress for wife's mother .......................................
50.00
" 30.
Advertising for young man to do typewriting... 1.30
* *
Q. I was told that if I put a piece of wedding cake under my
pillow at night I would dream of my future husband. I did and
dreamed of the 23rd Regiment. Have I cause to worry?
—Arbella Wigglemuch.
A. I'll tell the world.
Q. Why do flappers wear black garters?
A. In memory of those who have passed beyond.
* *
What is the difference between people who live in Boston and
people who live on Long Island.
The people of Boston live on Beans and the Long Island people
live on the Sound.
* *
IN THE MAIL BOX
My sweetheart has bad eyes, and, very often, while sitting with
him in our parlor, I put out the lights, as I feel for the young man.
Am I doing right? —Lunchcounter Lulu.
It's alright, Lulu, providing he doesn't feel for you.
* *
CHANGE YOUR LUCK
Luck is a jade; 'tis hard to brave her
To her stern customs you must bow
There's but one way to win her favor—
A nigger lady told me how!
She is a wife in name only—but her apartment rent is paid.
* *
Here is to woman, creature divine,
She blooms each month
And bears every nine,
She's the only creature this side of Hell
Who can take meat from nuts
Without cracking the shell.
* *
I wish I were a little Fish
Frozen in the ice,
Then, when the girls went skating
God, wouldn't it be nice.
* *
Beneath the spreading Chesnut tree
The Village Smithy stands,
The Smith, a feeble man is he,
McCormick has his glands.
* *
Here's to the girl that does it—
Does it to one and all;
But damn the girl that gets a fellow going
And then won't do it at all.
* *
WHY DONT YOU?
I've encouraged you with sighing
And I've egged you on with song
I've tried weeping on your shoulder
All to help my suit along.
* *
I've been innocent—and daring
Reckless, gay—and wistful too
Other men fell just like ten pins!
Damn you, dearest, why don't you?
* *
What's the difference between a toad in the road and a pair of
girl's bloomers?—There is no difference, they're both in the road.
* *
What's the difference between an eighteen twenty-five girl
and a nineteen twenty-five girl? —The eighteen twenty-five girl
you had to hold her to do it, and the nineteen twenty-five girl you
have to do it to hold her.
* *
Why are a girl's breasts so near her face? —To keep pussy
away from the milk.
* *
What is a prostitute? A flapper who has lost her standing as
an amateur.
* *
What is the modern definition of adultery? The wrong man in
the right place.
Why do all the 1928 flappers pray on Sunday? Because they
go out on Saturday night and sow their wild oats and Sunday they
pray that the crop will be a failure.
* *
What's the difference between a gold fish and a voluptuous
woman? When a gold fish wiggles his tail he's going.
* *
Irving Berlin's latest song, "I cannot leave her behind—alone.
* *
She was the daughter of a butter-fly but he was a son-of-a-bee.
* *
What is a good stenographer? One who never misses a period.
* *
Why is a woman like a Bank?
Because when you withdraw she loses interest.
* *
I had a wet dream last night.
Is that so?
Yes, I dreamed of the Volstead Act.
* *
THE HEIGHT OF EXPECTANCY
A sparrow sitting on a horse's tail awaiting for his dinner.
* *
What must I do to get into the movies?
Be a punk actress and a good kid.
Last night I went automobile riding with a strange young man.
Did I do wrong?—Little Lulu.
Probably, my dear.
* *
I met an excellent young lady last night. I brought her a
dinner at the Ritz, took her to a show and brought her a champagne
supper. Should I have kissed her good night.—Ernie Emptyhead.
No. You did enough for her.
* *
I'm a good girl. I am a wonderful actress. I have been at
Hollywood for five years trying to break into the moves but without
success. What do you think is the reason for my failure?—Cleo
Crummy.
The first sentence in your letter.
* *
Some time ago a Kansas City paper ran a prize contest for men
offering $5000 for the best answer to the question, "What is the
best thing in the world?" The editor got 41,347 answers and they
were all identically the same.
* *
A hotel chambermaid on her honeymoon wrote to her friend:
"You ought to try it without your shoes, Mame, it's great."
I go to an osteopath twice a week to get tuned up and my
mother disapproves of it. What do you think?—Gertie Gump.
Read "Night Life in Paris" by Paul deKock and you won't need
to go to the osteopath. * *
I am nineteen years old and have just married a millionaire
aged seventy seven.
What shall I do to make my marriage happy?—
Sallies Softstuff.
Move next door to a pool room.
* *
Miss Bonedry Nobs was taking a stroll along Pennsylvania
Avenue.
Along tripped a Brazen Hussy. The hussy tipped the Congress-
man a nawsty wink.
"Will you take a walk?" she said.
"Alas, it is too late," said he.
"Too late, your eye," said she. 'Tis but 9 of the o'clock."
"Alas, it is too late," said he—"twenty years too late."
* *
A "stenog" had a quarrel with her boss. After she returned
from lunch she informed her boss she had a "new position." The
boss replied, "Well, lock the door."
* *
A young girl who had married an old man was asked how she
liked living with him. "Oh, it's the same thing, weak in, weak out,"
she answered.
* *
"The reason I don't cheat," said one married man to another,
"is that I find it so hard to keep up with my legitimate screwing."
The two most useless things in the world, says an Italian sage,
are a man's tits and the Pope's balls.
* *
Who are the four biggest liars in the world?
A Male quartette, singing, Yes, we have no Bananas.
* *
Why can't a seal sleep? Could you sleep if you had a couple
of flappers on each side of you.
* *
Why hasn't Santa Claus any children?
Because he only comes once a year and when he does come he
always shoots up the chimney.
What are the four stages of love? First hand in hand, then it
in hand, then hand in it and then It in It.
* *
Darling let me feel you garter
Just an inch above the knee,
And if my hand should slip up higher
Please don't put the blame on me.
Tho' the hairs on mine are silver
And the hairs on yours are gold
Let us put them both together,
Silver threads amongst the gold.
AN ODE TO JULIUS
By Kipyard Rudling
A fool there was and he met a belle,
Even as you and I,
He took her to a swell hotel,
Even as you and I,
He thought himself a smart young gink,
As he wrote "and Wife" with the pen and ink,
And carelessly gave the clerk a wink,
Even as you and I,
He called her dear and she called him pet,
Even as you and I,
He smiled as he thought of what he was to get,
Even as you and I,
Jane was Frisco's most beautiful belle,
And "Browny" was all set to give Jane hell,
But when you pass fifty, you never can tell,
Even as you and I,
They went up the hallway and into the room,
Even as you and I,
Trying to look like a bride and groom,
Even as you and I,
He gazed on her beautiful figure divine,
He put out the light and pulled down the blind,
And thought he was in for a wonderful time,
Even as you and I,
She took off her shirtwaist and showed her white breast,
Even as you and I,
He stripped right to the hair on his chest,
Even as you and I,
He jumped into bed with a yearning desire,
His body was feverish, his brain was on fire,
Then suddenly discovered he had a fiat tire,
Oy Yoy! Oy Yoy! Oy Yoy!
The fool sat down and he made a prayer,
Even as you and I,
To a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair,
Even as you and I,
For once in his life he prayed on the square.
But the beautiful Jane gave up in despair;
She called up a bell boy—gave Julius the air,
This is between you and I.
* *
EXPERIENCE
A Persian Kitty, perfumed and fair,
Strayed out through the kitchen door for air;
When a tomcat, lean and lithe and strong,
Of tortoise shell hue, came tripping along.
He sniffed at the perfumed Persian cat,
As she strutted about with much eclat,
And having a bit of time to pass,
He whispered, "Kiddo, you're some class."
"That's fitting and proper," was her reply,
As she arched the whiskers over her eye;
"I'm ribboned and I sleep on a pillow of silk,
And daily they bathe me in certified milk."
"Cheer up," said the tomcat with a smile,
"And trust your new-found friend awhile;
"You need to escape from your backyard fence,
For, my dear, all you lack is experience."
New joys of living Tom then unfurled,
As he told her tales of the outside world;
Suggesting at last with a lurid laugh,
A trip for them down the primrose path.
The morning after the night before,
The "cat came back" at the hour of four;
The look in her innocent eye had went,
But the smile on her face was the smile of content.
And in after days when the children came
To the Persian Kitty of pedigreed fame,
They were not Persian, but black and tan—
And she told them their pa was a traveling man.
* *
THE DESPERATE KID
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Lashed safely to the mast,
He would not move a single inch.
Till Oscar Wilde went past.
* *
I've been a bad woman, but I was good company.
* *
One of the biggest song hits of the season in New York is
entitled: —"She sits amongst the rusty nails and screws."
* *
B. S.
"Father, tell me what is bull shit?"
Asked an eager, earnest lad.
"Son," replied the loving father,
"Bull shit is both good and bad.
"As a literal translation,
Bull shit is the dung that's found
In the limit of the stock yards
Where the cows and steers abound.
"But in jesting, bar-room parlance,
Bull shit stands for something more;
It is salve to heal the suckers,
Who imagine they are sore.
"When a guy comes in and strings you
With a story fine and fit
All about a check that's coming,
Take my word, son, that's bull shit.
"When another guy approaches
With a lovely tale of woe,
And he mentions that he knew you
In the buried long ago,
"An dhe edges to you closely
At the table where you sit,
And about a small loan whispers,
Just believe me, that's bull shit.
"Now, this flower of stockyard fragrance
Doesn't bloom alone for men:
Women use it to advantage
In their business now and then.
"When a lady lax in morals
Fondly says that you are it,
While your coin is burning warmly,
Lad, she's handing you bull shit.
"If you cop a little fairy
When the lights are burning bright,
And the horse of dawn is riding
Down the beaten track of night,
"And she says it never happened
In her virgin life before,
And that drink and she were strangers
Till you butted in the door.
"And she tells you of her mamma,
And the things she don't permit,
Take a hunch, my son, and cop her—
All those bets, they're just bull shit.
"As a means of fertilizing
Lawns and gardens, you will find
That this product of the stockyards
Has the elements beat blind.
"But for any other purpose
Don't accept it—pass it by;
You may not detect the odor,
But it works both damp and dry.
"It is hard to tell the distance
Frogs can jump from where they sit;
This may illustrate the meaning
Of the classic term: bull shit."
* *
A chap was fooling with his sweetheart and had gotten up, well
about as far as he could. "Ouch," said the girl, "take your hand
awy, your ring is hurting me."
"Huh," said the fellow, "that's not my ring, that's my wrist
watch."
*
*
A Southerner, who had the reputation of being a spell binder.
was asked at a Convention to make a speech and it was suggested
feat he talk on "home."
He made a beautiful speech, that brought tears to the eyes of
almost everyone there and just as a final touch he recited the fol-
lowing:
You may talk of some beautiful Bungalow,
On a Hillside by the Sea,
But a nice Black Ass on a Pile of Grass,
Is Home, Sweet Home to me.
A MOTORCYCLE MISHAP
A young girl was riding down a country road one day on a
motorcycle when the machine suddenly stopped.
As she was bending over it, searching for the cause, a country
fellow who was standing by the roadside, approached, and after eye-
ing the machine! a moment remarked: "Looks as if it was out of
juice.
The young lady after looking at the lad, decided to have some
fun with him, so she replied:
"Well, if you would have been between my legs as long as
this machine you'd be out of juice, too."
The country fellow looked at the machine for a time and then
said:
"Well, if I hat as many nuts as this machine, I'd give
you a
hell of a run for your money."
* *
A girl nay pilot an Airoplane
Or drive a Motor Car
But when it comes to riding a horse astride
Tha;'s stretching a "thing" too far.
* *
EPITAPH ON THE DUTCH TWINS
Here lie our twins so dead as nits,
Which Gott has killed mit ague fits,
He would not let them stay mit we,
So took them home to stay mit he,
I say 'Katrine"—that is my frow—
"You nust not weep or worry now,
You nust not weep, you must not fret,
We've got the tools to make 'em yet."
* *
OUT IN FRISCO
(After the Quake)
Out in Frisco.
There's nothing left to burn,
Out in Frisco.
For the red lights now I yearn
Out in Frisco.
Ml the joints are to the bad,
Try Martinis can't be had,
Milk-shakes are all the fad,
Out in Frisco.
Marchand's and Taits' are quiet,
Out in Frisco.
Canned goods are all the diet,
Out in Frisco.
And the famous French cafes,
With their naughty little ways,
All went up in one big blaze,
Out in Frisco.
The Poodle Dog is gone,
Out in Frisco.
And the Mother's lost her pup,
Out in Frisco.
If alone you'd like to to be
There's no place for privacy,
For the sports its 23,
Out in Frisco.
There's no more chance to sin,
Out in Frisco.
No place left to spend your tin,
Out in Frisco.
There's no more sporting life,
No one bothers with your wife,
From here on its way
With their BILLY
At the Richmond now they meet
There's nothing left but strife,
Out in Frisco.
When they want a bite to eat,
Out in Frisco.
If with your babe you would skidoo,
Take a hike to Ocean View,
There's no place left for you,
Out in Frisco.
Conscience need not trouble you
There's nothing left to do
Out in Frisco.
When you're dead they'll toll a bell,
Plant your carcass in an unused well,
You will go no further—-this is Hell,
Out in Frisco.
* *
"A LITTLE"
A little kiss a little smile,
A hand clasp every little while,
A little whisper in the ear,
That no one else must overhear.
A little pressure on the foot,
Upon a snugly buttoned boot,
A scribbed note, a little date,
To meet me when the hour is late.
A little dinner just for two,
A little drink when we are through,
A little room in some hotel,
A little promise not to tell,
A little bathroom all in white,
A little turning down the light,
A little shirtwaist on a chair
A little suit of underwear.
That comes off with a little teasing,
And shows a lovely form most pleasing,
A little blush, a little sigh,
A little promise bye and bye,
A little bed of shiny brass,
A little turning down the gas,
A little night robe, mostly lace,
More kisses and a tight embrace,
A little wrestling in the gloom
A deep sigh and a quiet room,
A pair of little hearts that beat,
A little effort to repeat
A little towel or maybe two,
A little snuggling up to you,
A little sleep 'til half past four,
A little teasing for some more.
Another little sleep and then,
Breakfast in bed at nine or ten,
A little fussing while we dress,
A cigarette and a caress.
A little bill, a little tip,
A little parting, lip to lip,
A little stealing down the stair,
A little secret one can share.
A little weariness next day.
Like little children after play,
A little wish that you and I,
May have another bye and bye.
* *
THE DIABETIC DOG
A farmer's dog came into town
His Christian name was Tige,
His mother showed his pedigree,
It was noblesse oblige.
And as he trotted down the street
'Twas a wonderful sight to see
Him piss against each corner,
And piss against each tree.
He pissed against each gateway,
And pissed against each post,
For pissing was his specialty
And pissing was his boast.
The city dogs looked on amazed
With growing jealous rage,
To see a simple country dog
The pisser of his age.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Of legend most forgot,
Whose are-hole shown like burnished gold,
And smelled like bergamot.
Then each dog smelled him critically,
They smelled him two by two.
But the farmer's dog in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then just to show his mettle,
And that he didn't care a damn,
He trotted to a grocery store
And pissed upon a ham.
He pissed upon a child's bare leg,
He pissed upon the floor,
'Till the grocer will a bull's eye kick,
Sent him pissing through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true,
To start a pissing carnival
To see the stranger through.
They showed him every pissing place
They had about the town,
And started in with many a wink
To piss the stranger down.
They sent for champion pissers
In training and condition,
Who sometimes did a pissing stunt,
Or pissed for exhibition.
So he kept pissing merrily,
With hind leg hoisted high,
While others hoisted their legs in bluff
But were pissing mighty dry
Then Tige sought new pissing places
By piles of scrap and rust,
'Till even the boldest pisser
Pissed only a little spurt of dust.
But on and on went pissing Tige
With shining amber rill,
Till the best pisser of them all,
Was pissed to a dead stand-still.
Then followed free hand-pissing
With fancy flirts and flings,
Like "double drop" and "gimlet twist"
And all those graceful things.
But not a wink gave the farmer's dog,
Not even a bark, but with a grin,
He pissed his journey out of town;
Just the same as he came in.
The city dogs, in Latin phrase,
Lost most of their conceitus,
They never dreamed until this day;
That Tige had diabetes.
* *
THE PASSING OF THE OLD BACKHOUSE
When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears,
A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years.
Behind the house and barn it stood, a half mile or more,
And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.
Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,
But in the tragedy of life it played an leading part.
And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh,
To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.
We had our posey garden that the women loved so well,
I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell
That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,
And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.
On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower
Delightful where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour.
For there the summer mornings its very cares entwined,
And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.
All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing flies
That flitted to and from the house, where Ma was baking pies.
And once a swarm of hornets bold, had built a palace there,
And stung my unsuspecting aunt—I must not tell you where.
Then father took a flaming pole—that was a happy day—
He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay.
When
summer bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,
We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.
But when the crust was on the snow and the sullen skies were gray,
In sooth the building was no place where one could wish to stay.
We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind.
We tarried not, nor lingered long on what we left behind.
The torture of that icy seat would make a Spartan sob,
For needs must scrape the goose-flesh with a lacerating cob.
That from a frost-encrusted hall, was suspended from a string—
For father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.
When grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call,
We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.
I knew the hole on which he sat—'twas padded all around,
And once I dared to sit there—'twas all too wide I found.
My loins were all too little—and I jack-knifed there to stay,
They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away.
Then father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,
And I just used the children's hole 'till childhood days were done.
And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,
The baby hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue;
That dear old country landmark, I tramped around a bit,
And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit.
But ere I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I robbed of yore,
Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.
I ween the old familiar smell will sooth my jaded soul,
I'm now a man, but none the less, I'll try the children's hole.
James Whitcomb Riley. —
* *
Two old maids
Went for
A tramp in the woods.
The tramp
Died.
* *
As I stepped up to the lonesome lady in the hotel lobby, I in-
quired, " Are you looking for a particular person?"
"I'm satisfied," she said, "if you are."
* *
NIGGER STORIES
A colored man was arrested for beating up a man most un-
mercifully and when the Judge questioned him why he did it he
answered that the victim had called him a black Son of a Bitch.
Well, that is no reason for your beating the man up so that
you nearly killed him.
Well, Judge, asked the accused, if a man called you a black
Son of a Bitch, what would you do?
They couldn't call me that, answered the Judge, I am not colored
Well, Judge, answered the Nigger, what would you do if he
called you the kind of a Son of a Birth what you is.
A coon who had been going around for some time with Lindy
Johnson. Taking her home one night he asks that she let him go all
the way.
"Dat's all right with me, Hiram; but it will cost you exactly
two dollahs."
"Look ahere, Lindy Johnson, I'se been going wid you now for
two months; I'se taken you to all de circuses and shows what came
to town; I done buy you all the peanuts and popcorn, and bows and
ribbons and perfume, and now dat I want a little piece of youh ass
you axes me two dollahs."
"Yes, mam, Niggah, it'll cost you two dollahs."
"Look here, Lindy Johnson, I wouldn't give two dollahs for
a piece of elephant ass, and dat am de highest what am."
* *
Two coons are walking along the street, and on the other side
of the street there is passing a Sister of Mercy. Said Mose to Ras-
tus: "Rastus, what am dat queer lookin' woman over dere? I done
nebber see one dressed like dat."
"Don't you know what dat am, Niggah? Dat am a Nun."
"What am a Nun, Rastus? How come! What an a Nun?"
"Why, you ignorant Niggah! A Nun am a lady what nebber
got None and nebbah expects to get None."
* *
THEY KNEW WHAT HE MEANT
Because of a disagreement with the Ladies' Aid Society, Parson
George W. Johnson, of the African M. E. Church, had been asked
to resign, and his farewell address was as follows:
"Brethren and Sistahs: I has recebed yo' resignation, which I
acceps. I leave yo' all wif no regrets. ;I does not say goodby nor
does I say fahwell. I has no vocabulary to express mah feelin's.
Neither does I say au revo,' but as I pass down de centah aisle, I
want each and ebry niggah heath to obserb pahticular de little bunch
ob mistletoe pinned to de tail ob mah coat."
* *
AND BESIDES, THAT'S HARD ON YOU RASTUS!
Mammy Lou passed at the stair door. "Rastus, O Rastus!"
she called.
"Yes, Mammy, what you want?"
"I wants to know what yo' doin?"
"I's just playin' on mah ukilalli."
"Well, jist quit it, you black rascal! Come down here right this
minute an' wash yo' hands, you dinnah am ready."
A young veterinary in the South was called in a hurry to at-
tend a horse, but by the time he arrived the animal was dead. He
asked the farmer if he might not take certain parts of the horse with
him, to preserve in alcohol, so he might have them in his office.
The farmer allowed him to and the vet cut out the heart, liver,
prick and balls of the horse, and threw them into the back of his
buggy. As he drove home over a-rough road, the prick and balls
were shaken out and lay in the road. A couple of negro wrenches
chanced to pass. They stopped to examine the objects in the road,
and then one said in awe-stricken tones: "See what the Ku Klux done
to our pastor!"
Rastus was pained. With no malice aforethought he had re-
turned home several hours earlier than usual, only to find his wife
in bed with the janitor. "Mandy, Mandy," he said, "I sho' am 'shamed
of you." But Mandy only looked up and said, "Look on, nigger,
gaze on an' learn something."
* *
A Negro and his newly-wed bride arrived at a Harlem hotel on
the first night of their honeymoon and immediately prepared for
bed. "Here's where ah cuts de gash dat nevah heals," said the groom
in an exultant voice. "Go easy, sweet papa, go easy, please," the
bride begged. "You all knows ah has a weak heart." "Don't you
worry honey," her husband assured her. "Ah'll go awful easy as
ah passes de heart."
* *
Rastus and Liza were just married, and hastened to their rooms.
A party of their friends, determined that the young couple should
have neither leisure nor rest that first night, undertook to serenade
them. Beneath the windows of the couple this party gathered, and
a frequent intervals made the night full with their noises. Each
time Rastus essayed to draw apart the viel that kept his bride from
becoming his wife, a fearful din would set in, so that he thought
surely his friends were going to break into their privacy, and per-
haps, catch him in
the very act. Finally Liza could stand it no
longer, to hover thus between the single and the married state, so
she called out in peevish accents to her husband that he demand his
friends to desist. He tried again and again, but they would not
heed him. Finally Liza yelled at him, "Rastus, pee on
'em Rastus."
The latter turned a reproachful, yet gentle look on his bride.
"Honey, whare yo' think dey is at, anyway? On de roof 'cross de
street?"
A negro excitedly entered the noted surgeon's office. "Doctor,"
he panted, "ah wants you to castrate me." "What?" marvelled the
medico. "A husky like yourself?" "Doan ask no questions, Doc",
the darky answered. "Castrate me. Heh's yo money." Shrugging
his shoulders, the doctor called his assistant, who administered the
ether, and the negro lost the power of his sex. As he came out of
the ether the doctor leaned over to him and said: "Now that you've
had this done, and while you're on the table, why not be circum-
cised?" "Dawgone, Doc," said the negro in a squeaky voice, "dat
am de word I wanted. Dat's what I want done!"
* *
A weazened little negro was on trial for rape. His accuser sat
in a chair on the stand and testified that on a summer's day he had
come across her in the woods, backed her against a tree and raped
her. There was no sympathy for the little negro. His goose was
cooked. The judge ordered the negress to step up onto the stand.
As she rose it was evident that she was several heads taller than the
defendant. "How comes it," asked the judge, "that a little bit of
a fellow like that was able to attack a large woman like yourself?
It seems to me that standing against a tree, as you say you were,
he could barely reach you." "Well, judge," admitted the plaintiff,
"ah'll admit ah did stoop a little!"
A colored girl was being delivered of a child. Downstairs waited
her Sam. Mandy suffered a great deal of pain, and; altogether, had
a hard time of it. Finally, when it was all over, she sighed and said:
"Ef this yer is what married life is like, you go down and tell Sam
our engagement is off."
* *
"C'mawm, Mammy," pleaded the young master with the cook,
"gimme a piece, c'mawn, lemme screw ya." "Go long, chile," laugh-
ed the black, "you too young. Go on long wid yuh." "Aw, 'mon,
Jes' a little screw," the boy pled. "Gon way chile, you too small, I
tell yuh." But the boy pleaded and pleaded, till finally Mammy
raised her skirts, and, standing against the wall, let the boy put
in his penis. The youth was diddling away with the ardor of puberty,
when the negress suddenly said: "C'mon in bed, chile, you got
talent."
* *
A teacher in a public school said to the children one day: "Now,
children, the principal is coming this afternoon and will put questions
to the class, and I want you to make a splendid showing, and as I
happen to know just what questions he is going to put, I am going
to coach you, and want you to answer him correctly. Now, Johonnie,
you are in seat one. He will ask you, 'Who made you?' and your an-
swer will naturally be, 'God made me.' You, Billy, are in the sec-
ond seat and he will ask you, 'Who were the first people on earth?'
and your answer will be, 'Adam and Eve'." And thus down the line
of scholars she went, instructing each one.
In the afternoon, just a moment before the principal came into
the room, Johnnie asked to go to the toilet. Turning to the first boy,
who in the absence of Johnnie happened to be Billy, he asked: "Who
made you?" The answer came back in a flash, "Adam and Eve."
"What's that! What's that? Don't you know that God made you."
"Not on your life," was the answer. "The fellah that God made is
downstairs taking a shit."
* *
Two chaps, who had studied in Paris, one a painter and the other
a sculptor, and who had roomed together in the Latin Quarter, met
on the street, after not having seen each other for a number of years.
After the usual questions and remarks at their joy about meeting
again after all these years, Jim, the sculptor, asks Bill, the painter,
how he was coming along, and being assured that all was well with
him, and how things were with him. Said Bill: "I want you to come
over to my studio and see my masterpiece. And my model! God!
man she's the most glorious creature in the world. She has hair
like spun gold. Her eyes are azure blue. Her nose, perfect, Her
cheeks like damask. Her mouth a cupid's bow. Her chin, perfection.
Her beautiful neck, like a swan's. The curve of her breasts—well,
man, I just can't describe it. And, say, old man, do you follow me?"
"Jesus Christ, yes, old top," was the answer. "I'm away ahead
of you."
* *
An Englishman was present at a party once during which one
of the guests recited a parody as follows:
"Mary had a little skirt,
'Twas split just right in half,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She showed her little calf."
It was a jolly rhyme, thought the limey, and made a mental
note of it. Back in deah ol'
Lunnon he essayed to repeat it at a
mixed gathering, promising it would amuse the ladies. This is the
rhyme as he read it:
"Mary had a little, er, ah, skirt,
'Twas slit, er . . . dontcherknow, just in front,
And everywhere that, er . . . Mary went,
She showed her little ....
My Gowd, that can't be right."
* *
THE SHIT HOUSE PHILOSOPHER
Said the Senator from Texas to the Senator from Utah: "It
must be hard to be a Mormon."
* *
What do you think she meant, when a girl makes the following
remark: "There are only two things to do on a rainy night, and
I don't like to play cards?"
The nervous groom: He got balled up and kissed the preacher
and handed the bride five dollars.
* *
A bachelor girl is a woman who has never been married.
An old maid is a woman who has never been married nor any-
thing.
* *
Quit eating beans—they talk behind your back.
If alcohol is the King of Spirits then Magnesia must be the
queen of the movies.
Slender women for romance, fat ones for pleasure!
* *
My girl is so good looking that whenever she gets on a street
car, the advertising is a total loss.
Two in the bush is the root of all evil.
* *
A humdinger is a fellow who can kiss a deaf and dumb girl and
make her holler "Hot Dog."
1ST *
*
Never sue an editor for libel. He might prove it on you.
Love may be blind, but the neighbors aren't.
The next best thing to ambition is patience.
Manicuring: A nice side line for a pretty girl.
Better to marry a maid and surprise her than a widow and dis-
appoint her.
Will cocktails ruin my complexion?—Fanny Flybynight.
Yes, and other things besides.
Would you advise me to become a chorus girl?—Maryl Muss.
What's the matter; don't you get enough to eat?
* *
Definition of Wickedness: What the other fellow enjoys.
* *
A sense of decency will protect a girl better than iron under-
wear.
* *
I had only two vices and they're both gone. Prohibition took
away one and Old Age the other.
* *
Marriage is a great institution—but who in hell wants to live
in an institution?
* *
Love is the sugar-coating on the cake of trouble.
* *
Alcohol and vaseline are now the principal lines in the drug-
business.
* *
I love to go automobile riding with men, but I love my virtue
better. Would you advise me to accept a little invitation for a ride
now and then?—Gertie Gush.
Yes, but always take along a bicycle. The way back may be
long.
* *
I have a fine face and figure and should like to break into the
movies as a leading lady. Would you advise me to call on the direc-
tor of a film studio some morning?
No. Call on the boss of the studio some evening.
* *
I came home for lunch unexpectedly yesterday and found the
ice man in my wife's bed. What do you suppose he was doing there ?
Mike Muttface.
A hard-working ice man needs lots of sleep, you simp.
My husband comes home every night and never goes out for a
minute. Whad'ye think?—Mrs. Junck.
It must be inconvenient for the other fellow.
* *
WITH COVERS LAID FOR TWO
Would you like a little supper with covers laid for two,
You know the kind of supper that I mean.
And if you are not hungry, you can look the menu through,
You know the kind of hunger that I mean.
We'll have a little duck, celery salad on the side,
A little bottle cold as ice, in which we will confide,
All thoughts of the hereafter, and other things beside,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
When we've had that little supper, with covers laid for two,
You know the kind of supper that I mean
The dessert will soon follow, as desserts always do,
You know the kind of dessert that I mean.
We will have a little fruit, a little coffee on the side,
Then another little bottle, which doubtless will decide
If you're to go home early, and other things beside,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
Yes, I'd like that little supper, with covers laid for two,
I know the kind of supper that you mean.
And I'll come to you quite early, and I'll go the menu through,
And I know the kind of hunger that you mean.
And I'll not go home too early, it is rude to eat and run,
Your menu is a dandy and the dessert's number one
And we'll have that extra bottle, and other things for fun,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
Duet:
We've had that little supper with covers laid aside,
You know the kind of covers that we mean.
And the small hot bird was better for the gravy on its hide.
I know you know the small hot bird we mean.
* *
ON THE ROAD OF ANTHRACITE
The porter sleeps, the drummer creeps,
Into the berth where Phoebe sleeps.
All through the night he holds her tight
Upon the road of anthracite.
The months roll by, and with a sigh
Poor Phoebe says—Now I know why
My corset's tight, it was that night,
Upon the road of anthracite.
The drummer too is feeling blue,
And many a time that night did rue,
Alas poor soul he burnt his pole
Upon the road that burns hard coal.
And as you see if you'd be free,
From ills that hurt you when you pee,
Just travel right by day and night,
Keep off the road of anthracite.
THE NAUGHTY FLY
A little fly flew by the door,
He flew into the grocery store
He pissed on the cheese, and shit on the ham
And wiped his ass on the grocery man.
When the grocery man saw what he had done
He loaded up his gatling gun,
He chased the fly all up and down
An tried to shoot him in the brown.
But the fly was much, oh, much too slick,
He showed the grocery man a trick
He flew around the room and then
Went and shit on the ham again.
When he had done this dirty work
He flew over to the lady clerk
And up her leg he took a stroll
And took a bath in the lady's hole.
The lady laughed and said "Oh My,"
"Now, you're there, stay there, your naughty fly,
What made her laugh she did not know
But something up there tickled her so.
She felt so gay that she rolled on the floor.
And said "I never felt so gay before"
She closed her legs and held her breath
And the little fly was smothered to death.
* *
SHE GOT IT
Employer (to prospective stenographer): "And how much do
you customarily get, Miss Jones?"
Miss Jones: "Twenty-five dollars a week."
Employer: "I'll give you that with pleasure."
Miss Jones: "Making thirty dollars in all."
* *
A man sentenced to jail was visited by his lawyer in the morn-
ing and the Lawyer asked him how he felt.
Just like a bride was the answer.
What do you mean by that his Attorney?
I know what I'm going to get, but not how long.
* *
Man goes into a restaurant, seats himself at a table and asks that
the Proprietor be sent to him. The restaurant owner comes up and
asks, what can I do for you?
What do you charge for crabs? Seventy-five cents each, is the
answer. Put her there, old top, says the diner, sticking out his
hand. Shake hands with a millionaire.
* *
The night after a raid on an apartment house, with a question-
able reputation, the Judge, looking over the women taken in the raid
is horrified to see amongst the women brought before him the wife of
a very close acquaintance of his, a man high up in the financial and
social world. He looks at her and says, Mrs.----------------I am inex-
pressibly shocked and astounded to find you amongst these other
women. Do you mean to tell me that you are a professional Prosti-
tute. No, Judge, she answers, smiling sweetly, but a very enthusi-
astic Amateur.
* *
A woman goes into the New York Aquarium and has a guide
showing her around. He answers the many questions she puts to
him and when they come to a certain tank the guide explains to her
how the female comes and deposits her eggs in a hole in the sand and
swims away and then the male fish comes swimming over to the place
where the eggs are, fanning with his tail and then he swims away
and in that way the fish are propagated. Oh, said the lady. Now I
know why they call them "Poor Fish."
A young lady is giving a party finds that after her list is made
up of those she has invited, that she wants to cut down and takes
the list, takes a pin and punches a hole opposite the names of those
whom she thinks she will eliminate. Her Aunt, with whom she is
living comes in and she says, Aunty I have decided not to invite some
of those who were originally down to receive invitations. Which
ones, asks the Aunt. Oh, answers the girl, the ones with the little
"Oh, well, answers the Aunt," invite them anyway. Maybe they
play cards.
* *
A chap who was in the habit of going into a certain lunch room
day after day, and day after day, ordering the same thing, ham and
eggs, comes in one day, seats himself at the counter and the same
waitress who waited on him every day says, "I'm sorry Mr. Jones,
but I just scratched what you like."
"That's all right Violet," just wash your hands and bring me
some Ham and Eggs.
* *
A kike named Nafskie wanted to change his name and when
asked by the Judge what he wanted to change it to, and why, an-
swered, Vell, it is so Jewish. I like to have it changed to Hurwitz.
A southern colonel, goes into one of the modern hotel toilets,
where you drop a nickel into the slot in order to get into the private
enclosure. When he comes out he hands the colored attended a
fifteen cent tip. Thank you, Sah, thank you, Colonel, I'se much
obliged, in deed I is. What's the matter, asks the Colonel? Isn't
business good? Why, Colonel, says Sambo, all day long it's been
Piss, Piss, Piss, and you'se de first S----t dats been in here today.
* *
A week before the wedding the young girl came to her mother
in tears. "I'm so afraid about getting married," she said. "I'm
afraid I won't be able to please my sweetheart." Her mother, who
wanted to make the girl's trials easier, undertook to explain to her
the secrets of married life. With some hesitation, she began to
explain to the girl what she would have to go through, "Oh, that
doesn't bother me, mother," said the daughter, "I can fuck alright,
but I can't cook."
* *
A Michiganite, who had just purchased one of Mr. Ford's latest
was out for a drive one day when the car suddenly halted and he
could not get it started again. Just then Henry himself drove by
in a Lincoln, saw the man's difficulty and stopped. "I can't seem
to turn the engine over," the customer complained. Ford himself
lifted the head, leaned down into the mechanism and whispered to
it. Immediately the engine began to run. "Oh, Mr. Ford, please
tell me what you told the engine," the man pleaded, "so I won't have
this trouble again." " I just whispered 'Lizzie, this is Henry, turn
over'," said the great inventor.
"I'm going to buy a Studebaker," an old maid said to a friend
of hers. "Don't do it," he counseled, "Get a Buick. If you buy a
Studebaker, you'll get screwed." Next day she had a Studebaker.
A professor of botany was lecturing to a girl's class. "This
twig you will notice," said he, "is composed of bark, hardwood, and
pith Of course you know what pith is." The class stared at him
blankly. "Don't you know what pith is?" the professor repeated.
"You, Miss Brown, you know what pith is, do you not?" "Yeth,
thir," said Miss Brown.
* *
The Dinktown band was doing its best when someone called the
piccalo player a son of a bitch. The leader's baton beat a tatoo on
his music stand, and the players became silent. He turned to his
audience. "Who called my piccalo player a son of a bitch?" he
demanded. A voice in the rear of the theatre yelled back: "Who
called that son of a bitch a picollo player?"
* *
Said the young girl to the physician, Oh, Doctor, where does
the baby come out? Where it went in, was the answer. Oh, I know,
Lincoln Park.
* *
PROOF OF PROTECTION
"Marion certainly must be a good girl."
"Why so?"
Her name came up in the barber shop last night and no one
knew anything about her."
* *
JEWISH STORIES
Becky came to her father with her head downcast. "Papa," she
said, "you know that rich Mr. Leventhal? Well, he knocked me up,
and I'm going to have a baby soon." "My God," said the father,
"Where is he, I'll kill him, the bastard, the moiderer, the son-of-a-
bitch. Give me his address. I'll moider him." Dashing to the rich
man's home, he cornered him, and in a loud voice, he told him what
he intended to do. But the rich Mr. Leventhal was quite calm. "Don't
get excited," he said, "I ain't running away, and I intend to do the
right thing by your daughter. If she has a child and it's a boy I'll
settle on her fifty thousand dollars. If it's a girl, I'll settle thirty-
five thousand on her. Is that fair?" The father halted, while the
look of anger on his face changed. "And if it's a miscarriage," he
pleaded, "will you give her another chance?"
Bernstein met Cohen on the street and seemed to be very angry.
"Cohen," he yelled, "you got to make that boy of yours behave, or
I" break every bone in his body." Cohen, demanded to know what
had happened to cause this outburst. "He came to my house last
night," said Bernstein, "and went with my daughter in the parlor.
Like a good feller I left them alone. Now listen Cohen, I don't
throw it up to you that he laid by Becky over on the couch. I don't
throw it up to you that he screwed my Becky there; but what gets
me real angry is why does the son-of-a-bith have to wipe his schwanz
on my plush portieres?" * *
Edelson had retired from business and was enjoying life, till
one day his eldest son came to him and demanded ten thousand dol-
lars. "I knocked up a girl," he said, "and I got to have it, or there'll
be terrible trouble. You must save the family name." "This is
terrible " said the old man, "but I can't see the family disgraced.
Here is my check." Several days later his other son came to him.
"Papa," he said, in an agonized voice, " I've got to have twenty
thousand. I knocked up a girl and if I don't have the money we are
all ruined." "Gevald," said the father, "that takes away nearly
mine whole fortune. But I can't see the family named disgraced.
Here's the money." A few days later his daughter came to him and
confessed, "Papa, I'm pregnant." "Thank God, business is picking
up," said the old man.
* *
The doctor had just delivered a young woman on the west side
of a lovely child, and he complimented her, asking to see the father
of such a wonderful baby. "I'm ashamed to admit it, doctor," said
the young woman, "But my husband is on the road. The father of
this child is Meyer Ginsburg." "Oho," thought the doctor, "one of
those cases," and went on his way. In a few days he was called to
confine a woman on the east side, and she also said the father of
her child was Meyer Ginsburg. The following week a woman in
Brooklyn attributed the parenthood of her child to Meyer Ginsburg.
In short the doctor answered about a dozen cases, in each of which
the father was named Meyer Ginsberg. The last straw came when
he was called to the Bronx to a family named Ginsburg, and delivered
the woman of triplets. "Pardon me," said the doctor, "but is your
husband named Meyer?" "Yes," answered the woman, "Do you
want to see him?" He's downstairs in the yard, sawing some wood."
The doctor went down, to see this marvel, and found him a weazened
little Hebrew. "Listen, Meyer," said the doctor, "I confined in the
last few weeks twelve women in all parts of the city, uptown, down-
town, east side, west side, Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx, and
each one said you are the father of the child. My God, man, how
do you do it?" "It's easy doctor," Ginsbery replied, "I got a bicycle."
* *
Goldstein's wife had died. Goldstein made the house ring with
his lamentations. Finally his brother persuaded him to go to his
room, to quite himself. For three days nothing was heard of Gold-
stein. His brother, alarmed, went up to see him, and found him
screwing the maid. "Meyer," he said, in an injured tone, "Only
a few days your wife is dead Meyer, and what are you doing?"
Meyer stopped long enough to look up. He pleaded, "In my grief, I
should know what I'm doing?"
This story recites how Levy came home early one day, to find
his wife in bed under the vigorous strokes of a stranger. "Rebecca!"
said Levy, "To think that after all these years, after all I did for
you, after I made you a lady and gave you from the finest, and you
should do such a thing to me. Rebecca, I took you when you was
a poor girl and . . . ain't you even got respect enough to stop
while I'm talking to you?"
* *
Abrams frantically dashed up the stairs of his home. "Sarah,"
he panted, "we got to move out of here right away. I just found
out the most terrible thing. I just learned that the janitor from this
house screwed every woman in it but one." "Yeh, I know," said
Sarah, "that's that stuck up thing on the third floor."
A marriage-broker was trying to arrange a match between a
business man and a beautiful young girl. But the business man was
obdurate. "Before I buy goods from a mill I looked at snatches,
and before I get married I must also have a sample," he said. "But,
my God, you can't ask a virtuous, respectable girl for a thing like
that," said the schadchen. "I'm a man from business," said the
other "and that's the way it will be done, or not at all." The broker
went off in despair to talk with the girl. "I got for you a fine feller,
with lots of money," he said. "He's a business man and his rating
is O.K. But he's eppis a little meshuga. He says he's a good busi-
ness man, and wouldn't go into nothing blind. He must have a
sample." "Listen," said the girl. "I'm so smart a business man
as he is. Sample I wouldn't give him. References I'll give him!"
* *
Four or five Jewish women were sitting on the veranda of a
Jewish Golf Club, when one of them said, "Look, aint that a shame.
Way over there are two fellows peeing up against the fence, vat
right they got to behave so?"
Mrs. Cohen, who couldn't see very well without her lorgnette,
lifts it up to her nose, and says, "that's a real chutzpa, vy, dey aint
even members."
* *
The old couple had just gone to bed. "Nu, Meyer, do some-
thing," prompted the old woman. "No," said Meyer, "no. Honest,
Becky, I'm too tired to think of anyone."
* *
Cohen and Goldberg were partners and were quite successful,
when suddenly, out of a clear sky, ruin fell on them. Cohen ran
about the place, tearing the hair out of his head by the handful.
Goldberg, on the other hand, seemed to be more calm about it. He
strutted up and down, his hands in pockets. "Bastard!" yelled Co-
hen. "Louse! Look how you enjoy this trouble. I'm going around
tearing the hair from my head and you walk around like a sport."
"Never mind, Cohen," said Goldberg, "I'm tearing my hair out too.
But nobody sees me."
* *
Mrs. Goldberg greeted her husband with tears when he arrived
home aftered a hard day in the shop. "Doctor Cohen says I got
tuberculosis and must die yet," she moaned. "What!" shouted Gold-
berg, "That loafer told a big, fat woman like you that you got T. B. ?
I'll run see him right away." He rushed to the doctor's office and
burst in on him. "Doctor Cohen," he said, "what do you mean by
telling my wife she's got tuberculosis and must die? I'm Goldberg."
The physician looked him over slowly, then said, "I never told your
wife that. What I said was that she's got too big
a tokus and must
diet."
* *
"You're asking am I a good cook?" said the wife of a travelling
man to a friend. "Why, my Abie is just crazy for the pot roast I
make. In fact, when he comes home from the road that's the second
thing he asks for!"
* *
A kike sitting in a coach on a local train, looked across the
aisle and saw a detective, who had with him a chap with his hands
tied behind his back. The kike leans over and asks, vats the matter
vid dot feller. The detective answers, Bugs. The kike didn't un-
derstand and asked him again, what is the matter vi dot feller. Nuts,
Nuts, answered the detective. Still the kike didn't get it, Mister, he
said, please tell me vot is the matter vid dot feller. He's crazy, was
he answer. Oh, said the kike, a light dawning. No wonder, vid
bugs and his nuts and his hands tied behind his back. No vonder
he's crazy.
Mr. Ginsburg writes to his former friend Mr. Lazinsky as fol-
lows: Dear Sir: I wish you to be in my office tomorrow morning at
ten o'clock sharp. I understand you have ben yenzing my wife. He
received a letter from Lazinsky, which started as follows: Dear
Mr. Ginsburg: Your circular letter received. I will be at the con-
ference.
* *
Do you know, Mrs. Issacson, said Mrs. Cohn, that Becky Mor-
genstern is engaged to be married to Izzy Braunstein from Yonkers.
I feel sorry for that young man, said Mrs. Issacson, why that
Morgenstern girl has been intimate with almost every young man in
Yonkers. Why should he worry, Yonkers isn't such a big place.
* *
Beck Glickstein goes to the doctor and asks him to give her a
thorough examination, saying she believes she is in a family way.
"I am sure of it, Doctor, because I feel life."
After giving her a thorough examination, the Doctor says:
"Nonsense! You don't feel life. That's a bed bug in your navel."
* *
POOR OLD BOY
At the close of our existence
When we've climbed life's golden stairs,
And the chilling winds of autumn
Kindly toss our silvered hairs,
When we feel our manhood ebbing
And we're up to life's last ditch,
And we find our faithful Peter
Soundly sleeping at the switch,
Gosh, almighty, ain't it awful,
Don't it make us deathly sick,
When the hateful fact confronts us,
That we've got a lifeless Dick.
Ain't it sad for us to know,
When we take him down the street,
That he ne'er again will wrestle
With the pussies that we meet.
That he never again will bristle
On a wet and windy day,
When some maiden shows her stocking,
In that naughty, cunning way.
Oh, my poor old loyal King Pin,
How my heart goes out to you,
For I can not but remember,
All the stunts you used to do.
How you charmed the maids and maidens
And the dashing widows too,
How you had the whole bunch begging
For a little bit of you.
Do you think I have forgotten,
When each charming girl you tried,
I would never make you quit her,
Till she sighed, I'm satisfied.
Do you think I'll now forget you,
Just because you are so dead,
And because when I command you,
You can't lift your pallid head?
No, indeed, my valiant comrade,
Naught shall rob you of your fame,
Henceforth you shall be my Pisser,
And I'll love you just the same.
THE BOOB
We were sitting on the sofa in the golden long ago,
With soft pedal on the gas light chandelier,
And the rays on her kimona, brought a sensuous sort of glow
Of a longing, checked by verdancy and fear.
Leaning over in the dimness, she remarked, we're all alone,
And the chance you miss tonight you will repent,
Then with a sigh of resignation, settled back and gave a groan
And I've really often wondered what she meant.
Once again, down at Tortoni's, for a little German lunch,
While the whirl-i-gig electric buzzers fanned,
She did something very funny, and I've often had a hunch
She was peeved, because I didn't understand,
For she marred the meditation of my half delightful doze
As she murmured: "Don't forget, this isn't lent."
Then she pressed a piece of herring underneath my nodding nose,
And I've really often wondered what she meant.
* *
Lord Cholmondely called his valet to him. "I'm bored this eve-
ning, he said, "Bring me a whore." His valet went on the errand
and soon returned with a fairly presentable young English girl,
blond-haired and blue-eyed. "Undress," said m'Lord, "Lie on that
couch there." As the girl complied, he removed his waistcoat and
trousers, and mounted her. He was laboring with great diligence
when the lady, to let him have the thrill that went with each of her
affairs, gave him a moist tongue kiss. "Here now," said the Lord,
"don't get personal, or I shall jolly well stop screwing you!"
* *
An Englishman was pacing up and down the corridor of the hos-
pital, waiting while his wife was being confined. Suddenly the doc-
tor emerges from the room and says, "I have to congratulate you.
You are the father of a fine seven pound boy." "Oh, I say," said
the Englishman, "that's ripping, doctor, ripping." The doctor dis-
appears into the room again and after a few minutes the English-
man sees a nurse run hurriedly in. Ten minutes later the doctor
comes out again and says, "Sir, I have to congratulate you again,
You are the father of another fine six pound boy." "Oh, my royal
aunt," ejaculates the Englishman, "that's quite wonderful." A short
time later the doctor again emerges, with his bag and putting on
his gloves. "I say, doctor" said the new father, "would you mind
doing me a favor?" "If I can," says the doctor, "certainly." "Well,
just go back and have another look around. You see, my wife she's
such a roomy old thing."
* *
Standing on the curb in London was an American. He was
jammed in a big crowd, who were waiting to see the King go by in
a parade. All of a sudden, he hears then commence cheering and
throwing their hats in the air. Rather disgusted at the fuss made
over Royalty, he answers a Cockney, who is crying, The King, The
Kin, Oh, f---------the King. F---------him? F---------him? Why, I
say, old chap, you cawnt even approach him.
*
*
An Englishman returned home suddenly one day from a meet-
ing in the House and directed that his wife be sent to him. "Madame
is in her boudoir," the butler replied. "Very well, then I'll go to
her," said m'Lord. "I'm afraid, Sir, she has company," suggested
the servant. True enough when the M. P. softly opened the door
of his wife's bedroom he saw her, or more properly her legs, high
in the air, under the vigorous stroking of her lover. The Englishman
seized his hunting rifle from a rack and levelled it on the offenders.
"Remember, Sir, you're a sportsman," softly whispered the butler,
"Get him on the rise."
*
*
A London cabby was arrested for using abusive language to a
lady passenger. The court was reproving him: "Don't you know
any better than to use such language to a lady?" said the judge.
"She's no lady," said the cabby. "Indeed!" said the judge. "And
would you recognize a lady if you saw one?" "That I would, yer
wushup," was the reply. "I had a lady fare only last week. I drives
'er from Trafalgar Square to 'er 'ouse about four mile distant and
she gives me a guinea. 'Pardon, lady, yer change,' says I. But
she says, 'Stick the change up yer arse.' That's what I calls a lady
yer wushup."
An Englishman who used (before prohibition) to get in every
morning and take his morning drink, would ask an Irishman, who
was a hanger-on, to take a drink with him. He was never refused,
and the Irishman would always say, "I'll take the same." The Eng-
lishman thought he would play a joke on the son of Erin, so one
evening he dropped into the place and told the bartender that the
next morning he would take a certain
egg drink and would ask for a
"Poop Cocktail." "And put a rotten
egg in the Irishman's" he said.
Coming in the next morning and going up to the bar he asked
for a "Poop Cocktail." "What will you have?" he asked the Irish-
man, who was there on deck. "I'll have the same." The bartender
did as told, and when he started drinking, after one taste, the Irish-
man stopped and said, "Bartender, phat was it yez called this here
drink?" "A 'Poop Cocktail'," answered the white-coated one. "Well,
all I can say is this, ye moight have pooped in his, but I tink ye shit
in moine."
It used to be the custom of an ex-prize fighter to stand on the
corner of Broadway and 45th Street and address young women who
went by with this question: "Do you fuck?" A friend of his rem-
onstrated with him. "Don't you get many a slap in the face?" he
asked. "Yes," the pug answered, "But you'd be surprised what a
lot of fucking I get, too."
* *
CAN YOU BLAME HER?
Judge—And what are your grounds for divorce?
Young Bride—Harry snores.
Judge—How long have you been married?
Y. B.—Two weeks.
Judge—Granted, he shouldn't snore.
* *
A LOVELY PROGRAM
It was at a hop where the name of each waltz on the program
was inscribed against the number, and he strolled up to her an asked
for a dance or two. She handed him her card.
"May I have 'Nights of Gladness'?" he inquired, pencil in hand.
"Certainly," she replied with a far away look in her eyes. Then
she glanced at her card again.
"That comes after 'A Thousand Kisses,' doesn't it?"
* *
A lady walks into a grocery store and immediately begins to
sniff. She asks the Grocer, "Is it my fancy, or do I smell Fish?"
"It must be your fancy, Madam," replied the Grocer, "W don't
sell Fish."
* *
Three traveling men whose territory was in the South were dis-
cussing the hard times that prevailed in their respective territories.
Said the first one: "I just came back from Alabama and the
men there are wearing suits they had had for six or seven years and
their shoes they have re-soled five and six times."
That's nothing said the second one: "I just came from Texas.
Terrible hard times there and scarcity of money. All due to the
terrible drought they have had. Why, there were frogs down there
seven years old that don't know how to swim."
Well, said the third man: "I just came from New Orleans, and
while walking down the street the other day I kicked something and
picked it up and by God, it was a condrum that had been vulcanized
four times."
* *
WHY?
Why do nurses take a new born baby and lay it on its back the
very first thing?
Why, to see whether its Put or Take.
IN THE COUNTRY
A school teacher in a country district got horsy one afternoon,
and making up her mind she would have a piece, determined that she
would keep Big Bill Simpson, her largest scholar, in after school to
accommodate her. Now Bill was an innocent country lobster, and
hardly knew he was alive, and when the teacher said, "Bill Simpson,
you will remain in after school to assist me in some work," he replied,
"All right, ma'am."
After all the other scholars had gone on their way she got to
fooling with Bill and finally said: "Let's take a walk." They went
down the lane, and she raised her skirts up to her thighs in jumping
mud puddles and getting over fences, but the unsophisticated Bill
never took notice. Finally they reached a barn, and she said "Let's
go in here." So they went in, and she climbed the ladder to the
loft and he followed her. When she got up in the hay she pulled her
clothes clear up to her neck and said, "Come on, Bill, let's do some-
naughty." "All right," said Bill, "let's both shit in the hay."
* *
THE STEREOPTICON LECTURE
Mr. Patrick O'Brien had recently purchased a worn-out stere-
opticon outfit and with the assistance of his friend Larry, he was
giving his first public exhibition, it being at a church social. When
O'Brien purchased the outfit he was given verbal instruction in re-
gard to the lecture which accompanied the pictures, but the most
of the lecture had already slipped his mind. After the usual pre-
liminary arrangements had all been made, O'Brien stepped forward
and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen and little children;
"I take great pleasure in introducing to you our celebrated
pictures which have been exhibited before all the crowned heads
of Europe, Asia, Africa and parts of New Jersey. The pictures
are principally taken from biblical history, and are interspersed with
others taken from 'Goldsmith's Animated Nature.'
"The first picture which I shall show you represents 'Denial in
the Lion's Den.' Denial not giving a damn for the Denial; you will
easily distinguish Denial by the green coat he wears. Denial was
a Kerry man. Wether the lions in
the background bitin' the fleas
have anything to do with the picture I don't know.
In the morning Nebuchadhezzar came to Denial and said; 'Look
out Denial, the lions will bite you.' 'Bite me arse' said Denial, 'they
have no teeth.' 'Who pulled them,' said the king. 'The Lard pulled
them,' said Denial. And the king said 'Denial, hadst thou not dis-
pleased me you would not have been cast into this dark hole'. 'What
hole?' said Denial. 'Arse hole' said the king, and the drinks was
on Denial."
At this part of the lecture several in the audience commenced
to show signs of uneasiness, and O'Brien stepped to the front of
the platform and said: "Let no one leave their seats as the best
part of the show is yet to come.
"Larry, turn the crank just a little more—that will do.
"The next picture, ladies and gentlemen, is Faith, Hope and Char-
ity. Look at it boys, look at it; ain't it grand? The one on the left
with the pretty face is faith, the one in the center with the big tits
is Hope, but Lard Gard, boys, look at the arse on Charity. Arrah
Gorrah, boys, if I was only there.
"Let no one leave their seats.
"The next picture is taken from Goldsmith's Animated Nature,
and represents the Alligator, a denizen of the Nile; he has a wide and
expansive smoile and it is said that he do agitate the waters when
he enters the satchel of his mate.
"Larry, turn the crank just a little more.
"The next picture represents the Gorilla of the African forests
who, in certain seasons of the year, seizes the female of his species
and flies to the top of the trees with her, and amidst loud cries of
'a-yum-yum," puts the blocks to her.
"Larry, turn the crank.
"Ah, this picture, ladies and gentlemen, represents the Kangaroo
of Australia. It is said that he takes a leap of forty and seven feet
like the devil going through Athlone, and every time he leaps he
farts and every time he farts he leaps. Long lectures have been
delivered and large books have been written as to whether he leaps
to fart or farts to leap."
At this part a large number of the audience manifested a desire
to leave the hall, which had the effect of making O'Brien mad, so
he stepped to the front of the platform and in a very severe tone and
injured manner spoke as follows.
"Ladies and gentlemen, during my long career before the pub-
lic, this is the first time that I have ever noticed marks of disap-
probation among the audience. Let no one leave their seats, the best
part of the show is yet to come.
"Larry, turn the crank, not quite so far; ah, that will do.
"This picture represents the 'Mastodon' or Mammoth, of holy
writ. It is similar to the elephant of our days, only it has no hair
on it,' It is said he has intercourse with the female of his species
but once in a thousand years, but when he do, Lard Gard how he
do enjoy himself.
"Let no one leave their seats.
"The next picture represents the Rhinoceros, which means the
richest animal in the world; the words 'Rhimino is from latin and
money. Oceros' a sore arse, means piles—Piles of Money."
"Larry, turn the crank.
HOME SWEET HOME
Home scenes now present a picture,
Dark and gloomy as the tomb,
Susie's fellow has a stricture,
Maud has falling of the womb,
Billie has a chain of chancres
Got from brother William's wife,
Alice's ovaries are busted
And the cook has change of life.
Ma has painful menstruation—
Not a soul around home smiles.
What's your present occupation?
Cracking ice for grandpa's piles.
HERE'S A CUTIE
Said the Big Brown Rooster with a strutting stride,
Say, old kid, I'm getting mine outside,
Said the little Brown Hen with a nervous twitch,
You've nothing on me, you Son of a B------.
* *
TRANSLATED BY EUGENE FIELD
With fond regrets I now remember
Those happy days of youthful fun
When all my limbs were lithe and limber,
Did I say all? "Yes, all but one."
Those happy days have gone forever
Those happy days of youthful fun,
My limbs have all grown hard and stiffer,
Did I say all? "Yes, all but one."
FROM COONTOWN
Rufus Rastus Johnsing Brown,
What you gwine to do if I don't come round,
What you gwine to say, what you gwine to pay
I wish I used my whirling spray,
I've taken my fill of Tansy Tea,
Till I'm as sick as I can be.
I tell you Rufus Rastus Brown,
Dere's gwine to be hell if I don't come roun'.
O. Liza Linda Johnsing Brown,
Do'n tell me about you not comin roun,
I've nothing to say, and nothing to pay,
I don't know nothing bout your whirling spray.
You orter be sick for I'll be boun,
You've diddled all the niggers in this here town,
So Liza Linda Johnsing Brown,
I don't give a dam if you never come roun.
* *
THANK HEAVEN
Electrical appliances have superseded steam,
The old style sailing vessel is an antiquated dream,
We have our horseless vehicles, the bicycles and sich,
And women wear silk hosiery and never knit a stitch,
We've telegraph that's wireless, we talk through air and sea,
We play machine pianos and never touch a key,
The belly ache of old is called appendicitis now,
We've eating cheese and butter not the part of any cow,
We've machines to do our talk, singing, laughing, too, as well,
What next will be surplanted by machines is hard to tell.
Improvement is our motto, and what else may come to stay,
Thank God we'll make the babies in the same old fashioned way.
"RAVEN"
Once upon a Midnight dreary
When of smoking I was weary
And I'd drank my pint of whisky
And was wishing there was more.
Suddenly there came a tapping,
Sounding like a female rapping,
Rapping like the very Devil,
Just without my chamber door.
'Tis some chip thought I that's wishing
To my room to gain admission,
Well I'll rise and let her enter,
Even if she be a whore,
Only this and nothing more
Then I oponed wide the portal,
And there stood such a mortal,
As in all my wildest fancies,
I had never seen before.
She had lost her upper garments,
And of all seductive varmints
She surely was the warmest baby
That woman ever bore.
And each palpitating bubby
Was so smooth and firm and chubby,
That my spirits rose within me,
As I went to close the door,
Just my spirits—nothing more.
And distinctly I remember,
'Twas the 14th of September,
'Twas the 15th when she left me,
When our little dream was o'er.
It was a dream without a sleeping,
With with sad reproach and weeping,
She showed me some red spots,
Made she told me by her hymen's gore.
Aye, the 14th of September
But more clearly I remember,
What I found upon the morning of Sept. 24.
Sequel to ten days before,
All that's left of what passed between us,
Is one one infected penis,
Drooping, sad and retrospective,
Pentinent and very sore.
And that penis never skipping,
Every morning, Dripping, Dripping,
Still is dripping, still is dripping.
Dripping on the bath room floor.
And I murmur vows forgotten,
Every time I change the cotton,
No more rapping, no more tapping,
Not for Uncle — never more.
THE REASON WHY
The dogs once held a meeting,
They came from far and near,
Some came in automobiles
With loud hurrah and cheers.
But before inside the hall,
They were allowed to take a look,
They had to take their ass-holes,
And hang them on a hook.
Then to the hall they went at once,
The Mother, Son and Sire
But hardly were they seated,
When some on hollered "Fire."
When out they ran all in a bunch,
They had no time to look,
And each one took at random,
An ass-hole from a hook.
They got their ass-holes all mixed up,
It made them awful sore,
To think they did not have the one
They always had before.
And that's the reason that you see
When you go down the street,
Each dog will stop to swap a smell
From every dog they meet.
And here's the reason that a dog
Will leave a nice fat bone
To go and smell an ass-hole
'Cause he hopes to find his own.
A good little girl once went to church and made the following:
prayer:
Holy Mother, I do believe, without sin thou didst conceive,
Holy Mother, thus believing, may I sin without conceiving?
The answer was:
Gentle maid, to thy conundrum, I say yes, but use a cundrum.
Shortly after she went again and prayed as follows:
Holy Mother, thee I trusted, but I conceived, the dam things
busted.
* *
IT'S UP TO YOU, GIRLS!
Have you noticed how the women, as along the street they pass,
Pull their dresses tight around them, so the men can see their "arse?"
And the men, the foxy devils, keep their eyes cocked every minute,
Sizing up the nice, plump "arses," wonderin' if there's something in it.
Some women have fine "ares" and 'tis right well they know it,
And most of them seem crazy for a chance so they can show it.
But they tell me now false "arses" are growing in demand,
So 'tis hard to tell the genuine from "arses" made by hand.
I was walking down Monroe St., behind an "arse" quite up to date.
And it kept me in a trance, begad, from Market clear to State:
Then out she went to take a car but her foot slipped on the track,
And part of her "arse" got twisted and slid half way up her back.
I'm
in favor of a curfew law and hope to hear it passes,
But there ought to be another law in regard to women's "arses;"
So we poor men won't be tempted, and let outside "arse" alone,
And attend to little "arses" that are waiting us at home.
All men have their own ideas of what an "arse" should be,
But a chunky, roly-poly "arse" is good enough for me.
For the slobbery "arse" and the flabby "arse" I have no use at all.
And the shiny, stuffed out ragged "arse" is the very worst of all.
But with their wigglin' and their wobblin,' sure they set a fellow crazy
And the man who would not chase one, has paresis or is lazy.
So, they have me like a pump-jack when behind them I am walkin',
With their teeterin' and their totterin', little "arses" don't be talkin!
* *
A traveling man, who made the small Southern towns, had, in
Amarillo, Texas, as a customer an old man about 70 years of age. He
and the old man were very friendly, and on one trip there the old
man told him he was going to be married to a young girl of 25. "You
see," the old man said, "my children are all married and I'm kind
of lonesome, and so I'm going to take this step. I don't care what
people say." The salesman congratulated the old man and wished
Mm much happiness. A few months later he made Amarillo on his
regular trip and coming into the store, he looked around for the old
man. "Where is your father?" he inquired of the son. "Why, didn't
you know Pop is dead?" "What! Dead? That sure is too bad.
When did he die?" "Oh, a month or so after he got married." "What
did he die of?" Arithmetites," answered the boy. "Thats a disease
I never heard of," answered the salesman. You mean appendicitis,
don't you?" "No, I don't," said the boy. "I mean arithmetites.
Trying to see how many times seventy would go into twenty-five."
* *
A Swedish chambermaid, who had been all things to all traveling
men, got married, and a few weeks later, meeting a friend of hers
was asked, "How you like married life, Hulda?" "Oh, it bane joost
fine, she said, "but it seems so funny to always bane doing it in bed
midoud any shoes on."
* * *
A man goes into a butcher shop and grocery store and asks for
some beef hearts. "I haven't any," answered the proprietor, "but I
got some beans. Take those; they'll be farts in the morning."
* *
A chap over in France asked a little French girl if he could kiss
her. "Wiz pleasure," she answered. As he kissed her he could not
help seeing her lovely little breasts, and said, "Gee, I'd like to kiss
your breasts." "Zat is alright wiz me," the girl said. While kissing
her breasts he said, "God, I would like to kiss your sweet little belly."
"Oui, ma cherie, go ahead." As he was kissing her on the last men-
tioned place, she broke wind, and he said: "Have patience, little
ass; your turn will come soon."
* *
Mutts meets Jeff and said: "Jeff, I'm going to the breadery."
"You mean, Mutt, you're going to the bakery." "No, I don't," was
the answer. "When I want bread I go to the breadery and when I
want grain I go to the granery." Jeff leaves him for awhile and
comes back all dolled. "Where are you going, Jeff?" asks Mutt.
"Oh, I'm going to the country."
MENU
Blue Points
Here's to the girl with tailor-made clothes
High heeled shoes and open work hose;
A new style hat, ten inches tall,
And her little pee-hole pays for it all. OH! PICKLE
* *
SOUP
Chicken a la Reine
There was a man named skinner,
Who took his girl out to dinner;
At half past nine they started to dine
And at ten o'clock, it was her.
THE SKINNER? NO
FISH
Red Snapper—Egg Sauce
Here's to the cut that never heals;
The more you rub it the better it feels.
You can rub it, you can scrub it, and pound it like hell,
But you can't get rid of that codfish smell.
OH YOU CODFISH!
* *
ROAST
Turkey—Cranberry Sauce
Here's to Astor, forty and past,
Who lived his life and lived it fast.
Here's to Miss Force, not quite twenty-four,
Who snuggles and snuggles and cries for more;
And' all he can do is buzz and buzz,
And tell what a hell-of-a-fellow he was.
ASTOR USES FORCE
* *
TO THE LADY IN BLACK
Here's to the lady who dresses in black,
Wears a neat-fitting corset that never looks slack, . .
And when she kisses, she kisses so sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.
* *
ENTREE
Filet of Beef with Mushrooms
They sailed down the stream a wizzen;
They both sat in the stern;
She had a hold of hisn,
And he had hold of hern. OH WHISKERS
* *
DESERT
Here's to the girl with the high-heeled shoes,
Who eats your dinner and drinks your booze;
Jollies you on and treats you right,
But sleeps with her mother every night.
STINGY THING
CHEESE, ICE CREAM AND BONBONS
If I had a girl that I could call mine,
I'd paint her titties with iodine,
And on her bellie I'd paint a sign—
Keep off the grass, this ass is mine.
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
De next day was Xmas, the night it was still,
De stockings vas hung up, expecting deir fill.
Und noddings vas stirring at all in der house,
For fear dot St. Nikolas vould nix komm heraus.
Der children were tired und gone by der bed,
Und mudder in night cap and I in bare head.
Vas searching aroun in der closet for toys,
Ve crept around quiet und didn't make no noise.
Now, Mudders night gown vas all up by her face
Und her person exposed all der vay to her vaist.
Ven, as ve approached der crip of our boy,
Our sweetest and youngest, our pride and our joy,
His eyes vas vide open, he peeps through der slats,
Und he sees everything vich his Mudder did hat.
Und ven he did see all dem toys in her lap,
He asks her for vat is de little fur cap
Und his mudder says, sh, und den she laff outright,
Und say, I guess I giff dat to your fadder tonight.
* *
A man who visited a whorehouse was complaining to the madam:
"I've had every kind of treatment here. I've been screwed, sucked,
jerked, everything. I've tried every way. Haven't you got a new
thrill for me?" The madam thought hard for a while, then said,
Have you tried our radio girl?" "No, what' that? Who's that?"
the man asked in surprise. "Why, it's that girl over there," the
madam pointed. "You take her tits, put one
in each ear, and hear
her coming,"
* *
A sailor who had dropped into one of those Broadway dance
palaces was quite struck by one of the hostesses, and gave her a
great deal of attention. As they were dancing their last dance she
snuggled up to him and said, "Aren't you going to take me home?"
"Is there anything in it," asked the tar, brusquely. "Just a little
dust from dancing," she answered coyly.
* *
"Can you come out with the boys tonight? "No, my sister is
getting married tonight and I got to stay home and mind her baby."
* *
Two friends, one of them the owner of a car, used to go "chip-
py-cruising" every night. Invariably they picked up a couple of
girls who didn't care in whose car they rode. One of the friends
would mince no words. "C'mon, pick up your dress and we'll
screw," was the sum and substance of his conversation. One day
Ms friend could endure such grossness no longer. "Why are you
always talking of nothing but screwing?" he remonstrated. "Girls
don't like that. Make conversation, man. Tell them how beautiful
they look. Talk about their clothes, about shows, books, and the
like. Don't always talks cunt." "All right," said the first, "I'll
try out your system tonight, for a change." That evening they
again picked up two girls and the following dialogue took place
between the direct chap and his girl. "Have you seen the
Chauve
Souris?" he asked sweetly. "No," said the girl. "Neither have I,
said the fellow. "Let's fuck!"
* *
A travelling man was riding through the country when his car
broke down near a farm house. The farmer saw his predicament
and, as it was just past noon, invited him to dinner. He accepted.
At the table one of the children broke wind. "Do you allow the
children to fart before you?" asked the traveller, with a frown. "We
haf no rules aboud it," the farmer answered. "Sometimes they fart
first, sometimes I do."
* *
"What's that, mam'selle?" the little boy questioned his gover-
ness, as he pointed at the penis of the elephont. The zoo's elephant
was busy pissing. "You mean ze trunk?" asked the lady. "No,"
said the boy, that thing danging down in the middle." "Oh, you
mean ze tail," the lady said. "No, no,'that that thing there," the
child insisted, pointing straight at it. "Oh, zat, zat is nothing," said
the governess. A Frenchman who was standing nearby tipped his
hat. "Mam'selle is blase," he said, lifting his eyebrows.
* *
"I think I'm married to a rabbit," complained a woman la
North Dakota to her lawyer. "He no sooner mounts me than he
shoots his load and is through. I can get no satisfaction out of
him, and I want a divorce." Before the lawyer took the case he
desired to look up the law on the subject, so he asked the woman to
return the next day and he would advise her. When she came in he
said: "Madam, I have carefully looked up the law in your case, and
am sorry to say there's nothing you can do about it. In this state,
when the man is through, the woman is fucked."
Willie caught a squirrel and brought it to school. But the
nervous little beast escaped him, and ran frantically about the
room looking for a place of escape. It found nothing better than the
dark recesses under the skirt of the teacher. "Willie, Willie," she
shrieked in terror, "Get it out, get it out!" "Oh, don't worry
teacher, teacher. When he finds out there's no nuts up there, he'll
come out all right." * *
The girl's father came into the parlor and found a young man
there. "What are you doing here?" he asked sternly. "I'm going
to marry your daughter," the youth said. "What! A bum like you?
Never!" The youth seized him by the nose and twisted it. "I will
marry your daughter," he said. The old man snuffed once or twice,
then said with determination: "You'll have to. Sit down."
* *
"Id like very much to get in the chorus," a young girl said to
the director. "I'd like to get you in," he replied. "But you're not
developed enough." Yielding at last, however, to her tears and
pleading, he said, "Go down to the property man and tell him to
give you a false bust." In a little while she reappeared, with a
pair of enormous breasts on. "Good Christ!" the director ejaculated
"That damn fool didn't give you a bust. That's Falstaff's ass you've
got on."
* *
A city doctor and a country doctor once exchanged offices, the
city doctor yearning for a rest, the country doctor seeking further
experience. The country doctor's practice was small, although his
town was near the site of the summer camp a large department
store maintains for its women employees. The two doctors met in
September to exchange experiences. "I guess you haven't had much
to do in my district." the country doctor said. "Indeed I have," said
the city doctor. "You'd be surprised how many carrots and cucum-
bers I've had to extract from the vaginas of those city girls at the
camp.
* *
A young student was undressing in his bedroom, when he dis-
covered, you may imagine with what joy, that a girl just across the
alley was also undressing. They reached a state of nudity together,
and then she noticed him. He motioned her to join him, but she
shook her head. The young man raised his window a trifle, and she
hers. "Come on over," he whispered. "How?" the girl asked. "Walk
over on this," the youth said, laying his stiff prick on the sill. "Yes,"
said the cautious girl, "But how'll I get back?"
* *
One of the most popular of the many Lincoln stories is con-
cerned with the visit to the Emancipator of a man named Bates, who
brought his family. Permit me, Mr. President," he began, "to in-
troduce my wife, Mrs. Bates, and my daughter, Miss Bates. My
young son, Master Bates." "Make him stop it, "Make him stop it,
said Lincoln. "It's a bad habit."
* *
Mable, and Jack came in late one Saturday night from "Tex's."
They had had a little tiff" early in the evening, and its effect still
lingered. Jack was good-humored, and had not taken the disagree-
ment seriously. Mable, however, still persisted in remaining cold.
Getting far over on her side of the bed, she settled herself at once
for sleep. Jack, as was his custom, adjusted his lamp and began his
bed-time reading. He had been reading quietly for some time when
she felt his hand on her belly, then on her hip, then on her groin.
But when his fingers were dagerously near her placket she turned
on him suddenly and glared angrily. "Oh, don't worry, heart's de-
light. I was only going to wet my finger to turn the page."
* *
The twins were having a bath and both parents watched, fondly.
Suddenly Mary began to cry. "Mamma," I want one of those things
that's hanging from Bobby," pointing to his little pecker. . "Quiet,
now, quiet," mother said. "If you're a good little girl you'll get
one of them." And if you're a bad little girl," said father you'll
get a lot of them."
The waitress leaned over the table and asked the diners what
they would like for dessert. One ordered one dessert, another some-
thing else. "I'll take raisin pie," said Jones. "And you?" asked the
waitress, leaning over the table to the last one. He caught one
glimpse of her well-developed, white breasts, and said, "Mine's rais-
in' too."
* *
One of Ford's stockholders had a dream one night in which
Henry presented himself at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter asked
him why he sought admission. "Because I produced a machine,"
said Ford, which gave great pleasure to most human beings." A
loud fart from within the gates greeted this statement. Ford looked
up in anger and asked who had saluted him thus. "Me," said a voice,
"Adam. I'm the guy that invented the machine that gives the great-
est pleasure to the saps down below. I invented woman." "Well,
maybe you're right," said the deceased Detroiter, in his dream, "But
you certainly know nothing about mechanical principles. For one
thing you put the exhaust too near the intake!"
* *
Si came to New York armed with an address which a travelling
man had given him and the admonition to 'ask for Singer and say
Jack sent you.' Everything went well, and Si spent a delirious night.
Next day he was walking down lower Broadway, when to his surprise
he saw the magazine name Singer on a store window, with some
sewing machines on exhibition. "Jack sent me," beamed Si as he
entered. The girl smiled at him and said, "Would you like one?"
"You bet, How much?" asked Si. "Well, some are eighty dollars,
some sixty-five, and the cheapest are fifty." "Go on," objected Si,
"what are you trying to do. I got one last night for twenty dollars.
"Oh," said the girl, "that's the kind you screw on a table." "No,
ma'am," insisted Si, "I screwed this one in bed!"
* *
Every Sunday morning when the auld folks had gone to the
kirk Annie would be visited by her lover, Jock, and they would sieze
the service hours as opportunity for screwing. One bright Sabbath
day Jock arrived just after the auld folks had departed, and whist-
ling a bonnie air leaped up the steps three at a time to Annie's bed-
room. The lass was removing her waist when Jock bust in, puffing
the final bars of Annie Laurie. His sweetheart gave him a disap-
proving look. Jock apparently didn't notice this, for, putting his
arms around Annie he began another tune. The lass tore herself
from his arms and began to redress. "Why, what is it, Annie?"
asked Jock. "Have I done aught to offend ye?" "Stop it, stop it,"
said the girl. "Ye were whistlin' an' I will no fornicate wi' a man
who whistles on the Sabbath!"
. * *
Two fellows who hadn't seen each other in some time met one
day and one asked the other what he was doing. "Oh, me, I'm a
lion tamer," he said. "What do you mean, a lion tamer?" chaffed
the other. "Well, you see," said the friend," I go into the lion's cage
with a whip, and when I swing it to the right, the lion rolls over
on his right side, and when I swing it to the left, he rolls over on
his left side." "Suppose you whip it straight down in front?" asked
the other? "Gosh, you don't do that, because then the lion leaps
right at you!" "What do you do in a case like that?" "Why then
the only thing to do is to put your hand down inside your trousers,
grab a lump of shit and fling it in his face." "Huh! Where will
you get the shit?" "Don't worry, it'll be there, it'll be there."
* *
A whore, travelling for her health, stopped at a little town in
the west. Her calling soon became known, and she was receiving
visits from the men of the town, young and old, married and single.
So keen was the ardor of her admirers that they visited her again
and again. In fact she had completely demoralized the town. Final-
ly the elders of the church met and determined to put a stop to the
young woman's operation by forcing her out of town. The chief of
police was on his vacation, the mayor would not act in the matter,
and so it devolved on the elders. A committee of three called on
the girl. "We must approach her gently," said the deacon, "and
persuade her to leave without a scandal." But when they got to her
house he again said, "Let us not alarm her by a show of force. You
gentlemen wait down here and I'll go up and speak to her." . . .
Which was done. But the moments turned into minutes, and then
an hour, and still the deacon had not come down. The two who waited
for him began to grumble. One was a butcher, the other a cloth-
ing merchant, and they both had business to attend, without waiting
for the deacon. They discussed it between them and the butcher
left, the other deciding to wait. After another half-hour down came
the deacon. "There is nothing for us to do here," he said shaking
his head, "This young woman has been grossly maligned. In the
short talk I had with her I found her to be, not a bawd, but a most
cultured girl. We have no right to force her to leave town." "All
right," said the other wearily, "if that is your opinion, button your
pants and let's go.
A farmer once wrote to Sears Roebuck & Company to ask for
the price of toilet paper. He received an answer directing him to
look on page 507 of their catalogue. "If I had your catalogue," he
wrote back, "would I ask you for the price of toilet paper?"
* *
A young man was playing with his sweetheart and tried to slip
Ms hand under her skirts. "Please don't," she said. "My Mother
made me promise never to let a fellow put his hand under her skirts.
But if you'll put your hand down my back, it's the second hole you
come to!"
* *
Mrs. Malone and her husband were always quarreling. It got
on the nerves not only of themselves, but of the neighbors. One of
these finally expostulated with Mrs. Malone. "Trate the man nice,
she said. "Whin he comes home bring him his slippers, light his
pipe fer him, wear a niglijay and sit on his lap. Make the ould man
comfy." Mrs. Malone determined to try it. So that evening when
Pat came hime he was greeted like a lover by his mistress. Mrs. Ma-
lone had turned the light low, and was in a transparent flimsy. She
threw her arms about his neck and kissed him lusciously. Leading
him to a soft chair she brought his slippers, filled his pipe and lit
it for him. Then she cuddled up on his lap and began to fondle
him. "Let's go to bed, dearie?" she whispered sweetly. "We might
as well," said Pat. "I'll get hell when I get home anway."
* *
A chap who had his girl out for a ride i
