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Later black plush edition -- limited to 450 copies -- with the inscription date of 21 July
1934.
THE
"WRECKS"
♦
AN ANTHOLOGY OF RIBALD VERSE
COLLECTED AT
RENO
PRIVATELY PRINTED FOR SUBSCRIBERS ONLY
THIS EDITION LIMITED TO 50 COPIES
OF WHICH THIS IS NO__29__
To Our Subscribers
A great number of volumes on Folk Songs, parody and verse give only expurgated and rather weak versions of the original rhymes. Obviously the collectors of this volume have no quarrels with the sources of origin, and are indifferent to the niceties of convention. We have merely compiled this work from a great mass of material with an effort to show that,
in spite of the changes in grammatical construction, colloquialism and slang, in the past two hundred years at least, the motives of the
ribald songs of red-blooded men have changed but little, if any.
In presenting this volume, the compilers have attempted to select from the files of the "Wrecks Club" the better known songs and verse so that in their publication many of these
previously unpublished works may be preserved in their present form for all time. With each transcription of erotic songs and verse, it is understandable that changes always creep in—changes minute at first, but with each rention wandering further and further away from the original version and we merely present these in the forms that have been given to us.
THE RENO "WRECKS"
A TOAST TO A LADY
Don't think of the Toast of the Table,
That "An Oath is as long as a Kiss";
For I'll love you as long as I'm able,
No man should swear for more than this,
With you I would leave the impression,
That, not to be blessed while we can,
Is really the darkest transgression,
That can happen 'twixt woman and man;
So don't think by your coldness and scorning,
To seem more angelic and bright;
Be an angel, my dear, in the morning,
But, oh God! be a WOMAN tonight!
PUNISHMENT
It seems it's been told by the Friars,
That wish and the crime be one,
And that Heaven punishes desires,
As much as if the deed be done,
Then if wishing damns us, you and I
Are damned to our hearts' content;
Come, then, let's enjoy at least,
Some Pleasure for our Punishment.
FINALE
Some drink to the health of their mother
Some to an actress fair,
But here's to you, sweetheart;
May you never know a care.
Virtue's a blessing, I grant you,
A blessing possessed by few;
But never go out with a bunch like this
Unless you expect to "come through."
[ 1 ]
WOULD YOU?
If in this world there were but two,
And all the world were good and true,
And if you knew that no one else knew,
Would you?
If you had dreamed of pajamas blue
And a strange arm encircling you,
And then awoke and found it true,
Would you?
If all the world were good and bright,
And if I stayed with you all night,
Then if I turned out every light,
Would you?
If I were in a certain place
And we were sleeping face to face,
With naught between us but some lace,
Would you say good night?
PHILOSOPHY
So, in the course of our wanderings,
When two souls seem to melt into one,
Oh, why do we question with Nature,
And why do we quarrel with Life?
So why not accept what is given,
And why mingle joy with strife?
What does the world's thinking matter?
Conventions are petty, infirnal,
Mere echoes of what men don't know,
Which constantly change as men grow;
But the laws of life and of living,
Began at the very beginning,
And how can obeying be sinning?
Obeying the great laws of living?
[2]
MY NEEDS
And some may worship a movie
Or a lofty, pedigreed dame;
And write her sonnets from afar,
Woven 'round her name;
But my needs are simple—
All that I seek
Is a maid that is willing
And warm and weak.
THE TOAST OF ONE
One little step won't take you anywhere,
You've got to keep on walking;
One little word won't say anything,
You've got to keep on talking,
One little thought won't make you think,
You've got to keep on thinking;
One little drink won't make you drunk,
You've got to keep on drinking.
TO THE MEN
Here's to the men!
When I meet 'em, I like 'em,
When I like 'em, I kiss 'em,
When I kiss 'em, I love 'em,
When I love 'em, I let 'em,
When I let 'em, I lose 'em,
God damn 'em!
[3]
FOGGY DEW
Now, I am a bachelor, and I live by myself,
And I work at the weaver's trade;
And the only thing that I ever did wrong,
Was to ruin a fair young maid.
Oh, I wooed her in the summer time,
And part of the winter time, too ;
But the only thing that I ever did wrong
Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
One night this maid came to my bedside,
Where I lay fast asleep ;
She laid her head upon my bed
And there she began to weep.
She sighed, she cried, she darned near died,
She said, "What shall I do?"
So I took her into bed, and I covered up her head,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
Now, I'm a bachelor and I live with my son,
And I work at the weaver's trade ;
And every time that I look into his face,
He reminds me of that maid.
Reminds me of the summer time,
And part of the winter time, too,
And the many, many times that I took her in my arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
THE LEAVES AND ME
The little leaves fall
And so do I,
For the self-same reason,
We're very dry,
The only difference
'Tween the leaves and me,
Is that I fall harder,
And more frequently.
HERE'S TO YOU, LITTLE GIRL
Here's to you, Little Girl,
Wishing you were a toy
And I a child;
Then I'd take you and break you,
And then no one else
In this wide, wide world
Would want you,
And you'de be mine, all mine.
NOAH'S ARK
When I was a little lad,
Once a Noah's Ark I had,
And Noah and his wife
Lived a quiet, peaceful life;
Wooden pegs
Were Noah's legs,
No legs at all had Missus N,
She was round
Right from the ground,
And I kept thinking then
All women were built that way;
But, I've found out different,
I'm glad to say.
ONE DRINK
One drink, and I'm yours;
Two drinks and I'm anybody's;
Three drinks, and then
Away goes Mother's good advice.
[5]
LITTLE BUT NICE
A little kiss, a little smile,
A handclasp every little while;
A little whisper in the ear
That no one else may ever hear;
A little pressure of the foot
Upon your snugly buttoned boot;
A scribbled note, a little date
To meet you when the hour is late.
A little room in some hotel,
A little promise not to tell;
A little dinner just for two,
A little drink when we are through;
A little fussing in a chair,
A little mussing of the hair;
A little bathroom all in white,
A little turning down the light;
A little shirtwaist laid aside,
A little bust that tries to hide;
A little skirt laid on a chair,
A little suit of underwear
That comes off with a little teasing,
And shows a little form most pleasing;
A little blush, a little sigh,
A little promise, bye and bye;
A little bed of shining brass,
A little turning off the gas;
A little nightrobe, mostly lace,
More kisses, and a tight embrace;
A little wrestling in the gloom,
A deep sigh, and a quiet room,
A little pair of hearts that beat,
A little effort to repeat;
A little towel, maybe two,
A little snuggling up to you;
A little sleep 'til half past four,
A little teasing for some some;
A little fussing while we dress,
A cigarette and a caress;
A little bill, a little tip,
A little parting at the lip;
A little stealing down the stair,
A little secret we can share;
A little weariness next day
As little children after play;
A little wish that you and I
May have another bye and bye.
[6]
DRIVING RULES
If she has not been driven before
See that her inlet valves are greased;
Feel her crank and feel her shaft; be sure
Her toggle-joint and tail-light are fit.
When she begins to warm, pull up her hood,
Then you turn her over several times
And work the piston rods slowly but good
Against the het-up cylinder head.
Now, carefully start on the lowest speed,
But when you fell her vibrations begin,
And you feel her clutch take hold with greed,
Open her up and drive it all in.
If she starts to shoot in her muffler
Watch her transmission or her carburetor'll flood
And thus in trouble get her governor;
And when she begins to boil over the hood,
Put on your brakes—then throw out your clutch,
And wash her radiator out with water;
Pull down her hood—be careful with your touch—
And chances are you'll have no trouble with her.
If some stranger has been running her
And has got her all het up and soiled,
Be careful not to touch her radiator,
For you are more than liable to get burnt.
ADAM AND EVE
Eve wore no undies, neither did Adam,
Didn't have nighties, nobody had'em,
Never said No—nobody did;
Don't let Eden have it on us, old kid.
[7]
SHE WAS POOR
She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man's game,
For she met the village squire,
And she lost her maiden name.
Chorus:
- It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor what gets the blame;
It's the rich what gets the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bloody shame?
So hastened up to London,
For to hide her grief and shame,
There she met a gay young captain,
And she lost her name again.
(Chorus)
See him riding in his carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage,
While she wrings her ringless hands.
(Chorus)
See him laugh in the theayter,
In the front row with the best;
While the girl that he has ruined,
Entertains a sordid guest.
(Chorus)
Then she hastened down to Dover,
There to have her child of sin,
And as the baby had no father;
Why, she gently did it in.
(Chorus)
In a little country village
Where her aged parents live,
Tho they drink champagne she sends them,
Yet they never can forgive.
(Chorus)
Now she stands upon a corner,
Selling flowers to a gent;
She's grown fat around her middle
And her golden locks has went.
(Chorus)
[8]
HERE'S TO WOMEN
Here's to the women we've loved,
And here's to those that we couldn't';
Here's to the girls we'd like to have caught
But some other guy got, so she wouldn't.
And so
Here's to the women who pleased us,
Here's to those who would vex-
To the sad ones, the glad ones,
The bad ones, the mad ones—
Here's to the whole damn SEX.
THE PIG GOT UP
How well do I remember, it was lat in November,
I was walking down the street quite full of pride;
My heart was all aflutter as I slipped down in the gutter,
And a pig came there and lay down by my side;
And as I lay there in the gutter, all too soused to mutter,
A lady passing by was heard to say:
"One may tell the brute that boozes by the company he chooses"-
Hearing this the pig got up and walked away.
DID YOU EVER
Did you ever get discouraged,
And a little out of sorts,
No more kick in the booze
And you're weary with indoor sports;
Somehow there seems to be
Something you have missed:
The memory of some little girl
That once you might have kissed?
Anyway, the whole damn world
Seems mighty cruel and cold;
But there's nothing wrong, old dear—
You're only getting old.
[9]
HOT LOVE
When you sit by the fire and hold her soft hands,
While the perspiration pours from your old sweat-glands,
And the sparks from the grate, darting to and fro,
Land on your face and neck and you think it's snow;
And your knees feel numb and your lips are dry,
And your spine has a chill, but you don't know why;
And your heart beats faster and your breath comes in pants,
And you feel like your sitting on a hill of ants;
And you think of things that you do not say,
And your neck gets stiff from sitting that way,
And your hands get sticky but she won't let go,
'Cause she's wise to a lot that she does not show,
And you can't move your feet and your old head hurts—
You think you're in love, but you're Nertz, boy, Nertz!
CAN'T CROW
There's nothing more distressing,
And nothing more depressing,
Than to think of all you've seen and all you know;
When you're out with real live chickens,
There is nothing that so sickens,
As to cackle when you really want to CROW.
KITTENS
Gather kittens while you may,
For time brings only sorrow,
And the kittens of today,
May be old cats tomorrow.
[10]
CAVIAR
Caviar comes from virgin sturgeon,
Virgin Sturgeons a very fine fish;
Virgin sturgeon need no urgin'—
That's why caviar is my dish.
POLLYWOGS
In the Spring a bullfrog's fancy
Lightly turns to getting out;
For the spring is cold and lonely
And he wants to look about;
So he leaves the spring and wanders
Out among the slimy bogs,
And that's the reason, little children,
There's so many pollywoogs.
FISHES
Two little fishes, down in the ocean,
Chased each other, with great commotion,
Said one little fish
To the other little fish,
"I won't, 'less I take a notion."
WHAT GUTTERS ARE FOR
All her hopes and aspirations
Went crumbling to the dust,
She took a great big shot of gin
Just because he said she must.
Mother save your daughter,
She is crying for some more;
She might fall into the gutter—
But what are the gutters for?
[11]
YOUR RADIATOR'S BUSTED
Your radiator's bursted,
And your dustpan's on the bum;
Your gearshift's dry and rusted,
And you cannot go or come.
Your four-wheel brakes have lost their grip
As anyone can tell—
Your clutch is loose and bound to slip;
Your rear-end's shot to hell.
Your sparkplugs fail to get the juice,
Your lights are on the bum,
Your rear-wheel lugs are mighty loose;
You've sure been going some.
Your windshield's broke, your starter's stuck,
Your rear-end lights won't burn;
In fact, old top, you're out of luck
And hardly worth a durn.
I'll get some parts I know you need:
Some monkey glands and such,
But you must cut down on your speed,
And not go out so much.
For your rambling days, old top,
Are over now, and past.
It's not because you ran the race,
It's 'cause you ran too fast!
FLIRTING
Somewhere she's flirting with someone,
Someone you never knew,
Sighing the same old sweet story,
Just as she used to with you;
Somewhere the moonlight so dreamy,
Smiles down on the same little game,
Somewhere she's flirting with someone,
And knows you are doing the same.
[12]
RINGS ON MY FINGERS
A Parody
Rings on her fingers,
Where she got 'em, no one knows,
Rings in her ears,
From the same place, I suppose;
The ring in her voice
She knows I idolize;
But the only rings I gave her
Were the rings under her eyes.
FROM ONE 'TIL TWO
A Parody
From one 'til two we'll get a little stew,
And you'll put your loving arms around me;
From two 'til four we'll drink a little more;
Your knowing little style will keep me happy all the while.
From five 'til nine, that is loving time,
And I just can't wait 'til I'm with you.
Then from nine until eleven, I should be up in heaven—
But I'm fini, ALL THRU.
♦
MARCHETA
A Parody
Mosquito, Mosquito,
I feel you upon me,
You're biting me everywhere;
Each time that you sting me
Sensations you bring me,
You bite, but you don't seem to care;
My carcass I'm scratching
While eggs you are hatching
To bring new disturbers to town.
You don't hurt, Mosquito,
When you light upon me,
But, oh baby, when you sit down!
[13]
LIMERICKS
The thoughts of rabbits on sex
Are practical and never complex;
A rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And his actions are what one expects.
♦
There was a young lady name Eva,
Who filled up the bath to receive'a;
She took off her clothes
From head to her toes,
When a voice at the keyhole yelled "Beaver."
♦
There was a EWE in his outfit,
A contrary creature she were;
She'd bleat half the night
If she wasn't treated right,
But "He learned about women from her."
♦
A young miss was engaged to a tailor,
But went out one night with a sailor;
"Oi, oi," said her Ma,
"Oi, oi," said her Pa,
"It's too late, but I'll soitanly whale 'er."
♦
There was a young lady of Chester,
Whose ways made the women detest her;
"But that'e really not so,
With the men that you know,"
Said the blushing old priest that confessed her.
♦
There was a young man from New York,
Whose morals were as tight as a cork;
He said "Oh, my dear!
It's no chicken I fear—
But gosh, I'm afraid of a stork!"
[14]
BUT I SHALL GO TO YOU
The church and state may join, and tell
Just what I may not do;
The church and state can go to hell,
But I shall go to you.
ALWAYS
A Parody
Love will not be blind, always;
The girls will not be kind, always;
When "something" you've planned,
Needs a "helping hand,"
She won't understand, always—always.
You may crave them fair, always ;
But you can't be "there" always;
So you'd better take your fun
Before your race is run,
For soon you will be done—ALL WAYS!
I WONDER WHERE MY BABY IS TONIGHT
A Parody
I wonder what the wife will want tonight,
I wonder if my wife will fuss and fight,
I wonder, can she tell
That I've been raising hell,
I wonder if she'll know I'm getting tight?
My wife is just as sweet as sweet can be,
But I hope she doesn't feel too sweet towards me,
'Cause an afternoon of joy
Is hell on the old boy,
So I wonder what the wife will want tonight.
[15]
ANGIE
Now Johnny was a sport,
Just as sporty as could be,
And he was very much in love,
In love with his Angie.
She surely was a corker
And believe me she could go,
And she was strong for sailors,
She wasn't a bit slow.
She had a pretty body,
And she was plenty fast;
That's what Johnny wanted,
He was strong for class.
And Angie was well known,
She rode everyone in town;
And she was just as safe to ride
As anything around.
One night while Johnny was asleep
He heard an awful squeak,
To his surprise he found
She'd sprung an awful leak.
He quickly got on Angie,
And he plugged the hole up tight,
And he rode her with a wet deck
All throughout that night.
Next day she came around
And landed near the shore,
And Johnny needed sleep,
For he did want no more.
He had had enough of Angie,
So he sold her next day;
Now the Japs are using Johnny's boat
For fishing in the bay.
[16]
REEL LOVE
There's the wonderful love of a beautiful maid,
And the love of a staunch, true man,
And the wonderful love of those unafraid,
Battling life as they can;
The wonderful love of the little ones,
Still greater the love of a mother,
But the greatest love is that greater love
Of one dead-drunk for another.
LIVERY STABLE
In a quaint New England village,
On a drear October night,
A livery-stable keeper met
A maiden whose troth he'd plight.
Now he was tall and handsome
In a sheiky sort of way,
And she—oh, my—was quite a queen,
She was so blithe and gay.
The livery-stable keeper,
He asked her for her hand;
Attempted to embrace her,
But for this she would not stand.
"Oh, why upon my manly breast,
Will you not lay your head?"
She looked into his whiskered face
And this is what she said:
"My love works in a greenhouse,
And there always is a smell
Of violets and geraniums
Upon his coat lapel.
"Now mind, I do not blame you,
Nor do I make complaint;
But a greenhouse has a perfume
That a livery stable
haint.
[17]
DON'T
Don't misconstrue a man's intent,
For, not good, but want, is reason;
And fish at a feast, and flesh at Lent
Are never out of season.
THE MAN THAT HAS
The man that has a handsome wife
And guards her as a treasure,
It is my greatest joy in life
To have her for my pleasure.
But if that man regardless were,
As though he cared not for her,
Though she might be a Venus fair
I know I would abhor her.
If to do good I were restrained
And to do evil bidden,
I would be Puritan, I swear,
For I love the thing forbidden.
It is the "care" that makes the theft,
None loves the "thing" forsaken;
For the bold and willing whore is left
When the modest dame is taken.
THE FLUTE
The flute is good that's made of wood,
And perhaps it is the neatest ;
But, dear girls, you must confess,
The silent flute's the sweetest.
[18]
SHE'S FUNNY THAT WAY
A Parody
What's the matter with this country,
Are we in a rut?
Seems to me that we must be
Completely off our nut.
Girlies with their habits and other habits too,
Some boys sing high soprano,
But here's one that's new:
Chorus:
He don't care for women, he don't care for girls;
He dreams of himself in ribbons and pearls;
Let's his hair grow and does it in curls—
He's funny that way.
He don't care for football, don't care for games,
And not for rough boys that call him harsh names;
But he has his boy-friends, as everyone claims
He's funny that way.
He goes to pajama parties 'most every night,
And the sight of rats and mice give him a fright;
He wears pink chemises and teddies and such,
And he has a skin that you'd love to touch;
But he never gets tired from bending too much—
He's funny that way.
FIVE AND TEN-CENT STORE
A Parody
One day I walked into a phone booth,
I saw a number on the wall,
And as I was feelin' kinda lonesome
I thought that I would make a call;
So I jumped into a Yellow taxi
And knocked on her apartment door;
She was a little China baby,
And stood about five-foot-four;
She was selling China,
And 'til the break of dawn,
I kept buying China
'Til all my dough was gone; and incidentally,
If you should walk into a phone booth,
And see this number on the door,
Don't call this little China baby—
It's not a five and ten-cent store!
[19]
SOME HESITATION BLUES
Did you ever hear
About my brother Paddy?
He made a deaf and dumb gal
Yell "Oh! Daddy!"
♦
I'm just as good
As I can be
'Til old Mother Nature
Gets pickin' on me.
♦
I'm goin' way down south
Where it's nice and hot,
'Cause up here north
It freezes everything I got.
♦
Ice's got to be cracked
Before it will tinkle;
No matter how young the prune
It's always wrinkled.
♦
Three women to every man,
But the hardest thing to do
Is to convince your wife
She's cheating the other two.
♦
When you ask some gals
On Judgment Day,
Who really was their husband?
They won't know what to say.
[20]
OUT AT WAIKIKI
Out at Waikiki by the sobbing sea,
In a district rather sporty,
In a banyan's shade lived a virgin maid
Who was just this side of forty.
She did not go to a movie show,
For she had no one to take her;
And she did not stray from the narrow way,
Because nobody tried to make her.
But I wish to state that a just that date
She was Waikiki's one virgin,
Though some were sure that the girl was pure
Because she'd had no urgin'.
But a dirty cat in a nearby flat,
Whose morals were quite elastic,
Laid a low-lived plan to ruin Anne,
With methods sly but drastic.
She stopped one day in a casual way
To ask about Anne's Persian;
Then said, "Oh, look at this lovely book;
It's a new, uncensored version,
Of Vermilion Sin by Helliner Grynn;
I'm sure you'll find it stirring."
With a knowing look she left the book,
Despite Anne's chaste demurring.
In a wicker chair, all unaware
Of her neighbor's wicked scheming,
Anne took a look through the borrowed book,
And it set her wildly dreaming.
Each gilded sin that Helliner Grynn
Described with skill uncanny,
Stirred a strange unrest in the withered breast
Of simple virgin Annie.
[21]
With a vision clear, she saw how drear
Was the virtue she'd been shielding,
And she longed for the charms of a lover's arms,
And the joys of weakly yielding.
In wild despair she tore her hair,
Then cried to the stars above her:
"I'll end my state of a celibate,
I'll get me a hard-boiled lover."
With frantic wail, she cleared the rail
Of the porch with a leap gazellish,
And headed straight for her neighbor's gate
And the light in her eyes was hellish.
"I'll steal her rouge and her high-heel shoes—
The ones she wears on Mondays;
And I think I'll get her pink georgette
And silk embroidered undies."
Before her glass, this aged lass
Sat down—it was really tragic—
And you would have cried as the virgin tried
To work a vampire's magic.
It was half-past ten when she left her den,
Feeling wild and very nighty,
As she boldly strode down Kalia Road
In her filmy chiffon nightie.
Underneath a tree at Waikiki
Was a sailor drinking madly,
It was rotten gin and it scorched his chin,
But he needed cheering badly.
For he was blue, and gin he knew
Would cheer his disposition.
Then he raised his eyes and to his surprise
Saw a lovely apparition.
[22]
"My gob, my gob!" he heard her sob,
"My hero, my adorer."
It was Annie there, and her frenzied stare
Quite startled the man before her.
He jumped to his feet for a quick retreat,
But Anne, with a gesture quicker
Than a bullet's hum, seized the bottle of rum
And drank the remaining liquor.
"Well, strike me pink," said the gob, "I think
This jane is drunk or dippy;
But she looks all there, and I don't care
If her figure is too hippy."
So he caught the maid as she dizzily swayed
To his arms, and he quickly kissed her;
And he heard her moan like a saxaphone
As the first kiss raised a blister.
Oh, I can't write of that hectic night,
My description would be pallid;
And, anyway, the things I'd say
Don't belong to a proper ballad.
But the papers say that next morning late
On a beach by the broad Pacific,
They found Anne dead, but the papers said
That her smile was beatific.
BOTTOMS UP!
Then let us rise
And drain the cup;
Here's to the ladies:
BOTTOMS up!
[23]
HOT PEANUTS
Henry Lee, from Tennessee,
Was nothing but a business man
And at business he was grand;
He bought himself a peanut stand;
Henry Lee was every wise,
One of those guys that loves to advertise,
So when you'd pass him by,
You'd hear Henry cry:
Hot nuts, hot nuts,
Does anybody here want hot nuts?
Hot nuts, hot nuts,
I'm telling you, they're grand;
Go get them hot, the way you should,
'Cause we all know, cold nuts are no good,
Hot nuts, hot nuts,
Go get them from the peanut man.
Hot nut, hot nuts,
I'm telling you they're grand;
Go get them from the peanut man,
'Cause that's what makes the peanut stand.
You ask me why the whistle blew;
If you had hot nuts you'd whistle too;
Hot nuts, hot nuts,
Go get them from the peanut man.
IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMER TIME
A Parody
In the good old summer time,
In the good old summer time,
A city girl was milking a cow
And she thought her job divine;
When along the lane came a country sap
And said you're making a mistake,
For the cow that you are milking, dear,
Is one that we call Jake.
[24]
THE SHIP SONG
Columbus was a hero brave and bold,
So history has us told,
His greatness to uphold;
He went to Isabella, as we all have read,
But the paragraph
That made me laugh
Was when the queen to him said:
Chorus:
Now if you're fearless and brave
And adventure you crave,
Why go take a SHIP for yourself;
And if some foreign shore
You want to explore,
Go take a SHIP for yourself.
He went to the queen, and said "I need more,"
She said, "How many?" He said, "Three or four."
But the queen only laughed
And said "That's a whole lot of CRAFT;
You can go take a SHIP for yourself."
THE BEE
'Twas a sunny morn in June,
The bee had puts his pipes atune,
And buzzed his way across the field.
And while the birds their love-songs spieled.
He buzzed and ate full many an hour;
Then he crawled into a flower
And curled himself up for a nap,
The same as any drowsy chap.
A cow came browsing through the moor,
And toward the little flowerlet bore,
And not knowing the bee was there
She put it on her bill-of-fare.
Then, rudely wakened from his doze,
His Beeship's fiery temper rose—
"Old cow," he said, "I'll sting you deep
When I have finished with my sleep."
So cuddled in his darksome den
And soon he went to sleep again. .
He slumbered on 'til early dawn,
But, when he awoke, the cow was gone!
[25]
MORAL OF THE CAT
Our black cat sat on a streetcar track,
Just slightly outside the rail,
When along came the big streetcar
And cut off the end of his tail.
With tears in his eyes, he mourned his loss,
His head was heavy as lead;
Along came another streetcar just then
And ran right over his head.
Let the fate of the poor cat be a moral to you
As you travel over life's rugged trail;
Don't be like the cat in the story—
Lose your head over a little piece of tail.
PUT ON YOUR OLD GREY BUSTLE
Put on your old grey bustle
And get out and hustle,
For the rent is coming due;
Make a play for twenty,
Remember ten is plenty;
And if you can't get five
Take two.
THE PRESS AND THE PULPIT
Here's to the Press,
The Pulpit and the Petticoats,
The three ruling powers of the day:
The first spreads knowledge;
The second spreads morals,
And the third spreads
Over a multitude of sins.
[26]
IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN
It started in the Garden of Eden,
Where poor Adam tried,
In his ignorance of women,
To keep Eve satisfied.
He'd struggle through the brambles
And shin the thorny trees
To get the choicest fruit for her,
But never seemed to please.
He'd stagger homeward with his prize,
As tired as could be,
To see his honey, with a snake,
Beneath the apple tree.
And straining for an apple
That was almost out of reach,
Without a glance for Adam,
Though Adam had a peach.
When hunger came upon them
Adam had to hustle grub,
And here again, Eve ne'er missed
A chance her mate to snub.
He'd fish the streams with diligence,
Take home a mess of trout,
And all the thanks he'd get
Would be a disdainful pout.
Of hair he'd make a pheasant snare,
And start off through the wood,
Determined that he'd fetch
Her something good.
And, at night when he joined her,
Do you think her heart was stirred?
No, she'd filled up with bananas,
Though Adam had a bird.
[27]
BALLAD OF LIZZIE
Will you love me when my headlights are all shattered,
Will you love me when my top is rent and torn?
Will you love me when my fenders are all battered,
Will you love me when my cotter-pin is worn?
Will you love me when my spark plugs are all missing,
Will you love me when the brakes have ceased to grip?
Will you love me when my intake starts to hissing,
Will you love me when my clutch begins to slip?
Will you love me when my bumper has quit bumping?
Will you love me when my tires are soft and flat?
Will you love me when my bearings are all thumping,
Will you love me when I can't do this or that?
Will you love me when my nuts and bolts are falling
From a frame that's bent entirely out of line?
Will you love me when I hear the junk-pile calling,
Will you love me when I'm old, oh, Lizzie mine?
THE LAYERS
Oh, chickens with fine feathers,
May suit your taste best;
But if you ask me, I would say
I like good layers best!
THE FIFER
Two little drummers and a fifer fair
Found a cot all covered with hair,
The fifer went in and rummaged about,
While the two little drummers kept drumming without,
Then the fifer came out and hung his head;
"My God," said the drummers, "Our fifer is dead! "
[28]
THE BESTES' FING
In the mountains of Virginia
Sat a nigger old and gray
Outside an ancient cabin
At the turning of the day.
Beside him stood his grandson,
A lad still in his 'teens;
An unromantic figure
In a pair of faded jeans.
"A'd like to ask a question,"
He said, as he sat down;
(The face the old man turned
Was like a Monmouth frown.)
"The question is," he started,
"Wot's the bes' fing in the world?"
The old man scratched his head
With a hand knotted and knurled:
"Wal, neow," he said, "th' bes' fing
That I can jes' recall
Is a well-roasted 'possum
When the season's in de fall.
"Ah lak to have it ver' brown,
Plenty gravy on the platter;
Smothered den with taters—
The res' do not matter."
"But, Dad," the young one asked,
"How 'bot a fas' Mulatta,
When you and she is all alone—
An' how far yo' go—no matta?"
"Haw, haw!" the old man wheezed,
"Jes' lissen to him sing!
You ast me whut the bes' fing was—
An' not the BESTES' fing!"
[29]
PAIN IN THE NECK
The little red hen got off her nest
As a nameless longing surged in her breast;
She looked at the egg without pride or glee,
And clucked "You're a pain in the neck to me."
OLD TRUSTY CANE
Old Grandpa Johnson strolled down the lane,
Tottering a bit, and swinging his cane;
A flapper approached, and to him she said:
"I notice your cane has a smooth shiny head,
It gleamed in the sun, as you came down the lane;
Why don't you varnish the rest of your cane?"
"Gal," said Pop, "in the heydey of my youth
Looks and ambition I craved, that's the truth,
And I took great pride in myself and my cane
But, damn it to hell! I CAN'T DO IT AGAIN!"
WOMAN IN THE SHOE
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe,
She had so many kids
She didn't know what to do.
But—
There's another old woman
Who lived in a shoe,
She had no kids, 'cause
She knew what to do!
[30]
BUT WHAT I DARE NOT NAME
Young Mary and young Willis
Sat in a lovely grove,
Making crowns of lilies
And telling tales of love—
And something else,
But what I dare not name.
A thousand times he kissed her,
Laying her on the green,
But as he farther pressed her
Her pretty leg was seen—
And something else,
But what I dare not name.
She seemed to be trying
His passion to withstand}
Cried (but it was faintly),
"Please take away your hand—
And something else,
But what I dare not name."
So Mary, almost dying,
Dissolved in amorous heat;
She kissed, and told him, sighing,
"Your love, my dear, is great—
And something else,
But what I dare not name."
Love's treasure they kept reaping
'Til Nature took a stand;
From talk they fell to sleeping,
Holding each other's hand—
And something else,
But what I dare not name.
[31]
LIMERICKS
A wonderful fish is the flea,
He bores and he bites on
me;
I would love, indeed,
To watch him feed,
But he bites me where I cannot see.
A princess who ruled in Algiers
Had bushels of dirt in her ears;
The tail of her shirty
Was also quite dirty,
She never had washed it in years.
♦
There was a young lady named Win,
With her boy-friend went out for a spin;
Said this snappy young lass,
"When we run out of gas,
I presume the amusements begin!"
♦
I love her in the evening gown,
I love her in her nightie;
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty!
♦
There was a young lady from Lichen
Was scratching her twat in the kitchen;
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's crab's, I suppose—"
"Yes, and by Jesus, they're itchin'."
♦
A coon what was out with his Liz
Said, "Baby, let's get down to biz."
Said she, "That caint be,
'Less you'se stronger'n me,
But, honey, I reckon you is."
[32]
THE MERRY MAID AND THE WICKED MONK
Good Father, I have sent for you because
I would not tamper with holy laws,
And yet, I know that something is amiss,
For when I see youths and maidens kiss
I tremble and my very knees grow weak
Until my chamber I am forced to seek;
And there with cheeks aflame, in floods of tears,
I toss with strangely mingled hopes and fears.
And Father, strange to say, throughout the night,
Although my figure, as you see, is slight,
I dream I have a ripe, voluptuous form,
And strong arms, 'round me, hold me close and warm,
Until at last, at last, I blush to say,
My very garments seem to melt away,
Until, as nature clad me, there I stand,
The willing victim to a wandering hand.
And at these times, when I seem not alone,
The form that holds me is not like my own;
It has not swelling globes here, such as these,
No sloping thighs, nor rounded dimpled knees;
And stranger still—pray, Father dear, draw near,
The greatest difference seem to be—just—here.
Dear Father, should I pray and fast in pain?
Or sleep and dream those blissful dreams again?
It seems not sin and yet my mirror shows
A face where shame and deepest color glows.
Tell me it is not wicked, Father dear,
To find myself with new sensations, here.
Ah heaven! You burn with fever, too, it seems;
Are you, as well, a prey to fitful dreams?
[33]
And once I dreamed far more than I have told:
This handsome stranger once was overbold;
And I will show thee, Father, if I may,
Just what was done; I could not but obey.
The sun had set; the stars were in the sky,
And I was trembling, though I knew not why,
And here upon this couch I lay, like this,
When on my lips I felt a burning kiss.
Yes! That is like it! Just the very same!
My arms reached upward—I was not to blame,
For all my soul seemed hungering to feel
The strange delight that made my senses reel.
It seemed so strange that pleasure should be pain,
And yet I fain would suffer, once again.
'Twas thus—and so—and ever did I strain
To meet halfway the source of all my pain;
My voice came fitful—broken—just as now—
I was not mistress of myself I vow!
I clasped the spirit visitor like this—
Through all my veins I felt his maddening kiss;
My pulse went wild—I knew not what was done—
And—goodness gracious!
How that man can run!
LOVE
Hard is the lot on he who loves
A maiden fair and slim;
For when he's very
soft on her,
It's very hard on him.
[34]
LITTLE WILLIE
When Willie was a little boy,
Not more than five or six,
Right constantly did he annoy
His mother with his tricks;
Yet not a picayune care I
For what he did or said,
Unless, as happened frequently,
The rascal wet the bed.
Closely he cuddled up to me,
And put his hands in mine,
'Til all at once I seemed to be
Afloat in seas of brine.
Sabean odors clogged the air,
And filled my soul with dread,
Yet I could only grin and bear
When Willie wet the bed.
'Tis many times that rascal has
Soaked all the bedclothes through,
Whereat I'd feebly light the gas
And wonder what to do.
Yet there he'd lie, so peaceful-like;
God bless his curly head,
I quite forgave the little tyke
For wetting of the bed.
Ah me, those happy days have flown;
My boy's a father, too,
And little Willies of his own
Do what he used to do.
And I! Ah, all that's left of me
Is dreams of pleasure fled;
Our boys ain't what they used to be
When Willie wet the bed.
Had I my choice, no shapely dame
Should share my couch with me;
No amorous jade of tarnished fame,
No wench of high degree;
But I should choose and choose again
The little curly head
Who cuddled close beside me when
He used to wet the bed.
[35]
A MIRACLE
A hermit once lived in a beautiful dell,
And it is no legion, this that I tell,
So my father declared, who knew him quite well,
The hermit.
He lived in a cave by the side of the lake,
Decoctions of herbs for his health he would take,
And only of fish could this good man partake,
On Friday.
And most of his time he spent in repose,
Once a year he would bathe, both his body and clothes,
How the lake ever stood it, the Lord only knows,
And he won't tell.
One day as he rose, dripping and wet,
His horrified vision three pretty girls met;
In matters of gallantry he wasn't a vet,
So he blushed.
He grabbed up his hat that lay on the beach,
And covered up all that its wide brim would reach,
Then he cried to the girls in a horrified screech,
"Go away!"
But the girls only laughed at his pitiful plight,
And begged him to show them the wonderful sight,
But he clung to his hat with all of his might,
To hide it.
But just at this moment a villainous gnat
Made the hermit forget just where he was at,
He struck at the insect, and let go the hat—
Oh horrors!
Now I have come to the thread of my tale;
At first he turned red, then he grew pale,
Then he uttered a prayer, for prayers never fail,
So 'tis said.
Of the truth of this tale, there is no doubt at all;
The Lord heard his prayer and answered his call:
Tho' he let go the hat, the hat didn't fall.
A miracle!
[36]
THE PASSING OF THE BACKHOUSE
When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears,
A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years.
Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more,
And hurrying feet a path had made up to its swinging door.
Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,
But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part.
And oft the passing traveller drove slow and heaved a sigh,
To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.
We had our posey garden that the women loved so well,
I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell
That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,
And told the night'o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.
On August afternoons, it made a little bower
Delightful, where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour.
For there the summer morning its very cares entwined,
And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.
All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing flies
That flitted to and from the house, where ma was baking pies,
And once a swarm of hornets bold had built a palace there
And stung my unsuspecting aunt—I must not tell you where.
Then father took a flaming pole—that was a happy day—
He nearly burned the building up—the hornets left to stay.
When summer's bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,
We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.
But when the crust was on the snow and sullen skies were gray,
In sooth the building was no place where one could wish to stay;
We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind;
We tarried not, nor lingered long on what we left behind.
The torture of that icy seat would make a Spartan sob,
For needs must scrape the gooseflesh with a lacerating cob
That from a frost-encrusted nail did dangle by a string—
My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.
[37]
When grandpa had "to go out back" and make his morning call,
We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.
I knew the hole on which he sat—'twas padded all around,
And once I dared to sit there—'twas all too wide, I found.
My loins were all too little, and I jack-knifed there to stay;
They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away.
Then father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,
And I just used the children's hole 'til childhood days were done.
And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,
The baby hole, and the slender hole that fitted sister Sue.
That dear old country landmark . . . I've tramped around a bit,
And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit,
But ere I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I robbed of yore,
Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.
I ween the old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul;
I'm now a man, but, none the less, I'll try the children's hole.
BACK IN YOUR BOYHOOD DAYS
First you knock at the door,
And then you ask for Annie;
Then you put a nickel
In the old piannie;
And down comes Annie
In her old silk kimonie,
All dolled up
With perfume and colognie;
Then you pay a dollar
For a bottle of beerie;
Another dollar goes
For the music you hearie;
Three dollars more
To go upstairs with your dearie,
And then you've got nine days
Of doubt and fearie!
Back in your boyhood days!
[38]
FRANKIE AND JOHNNY
Frankie and Johnny were lovers,
Goodness, oh, God! How they'd love;
Swore to be true to each other,
True as the stars above,
'Cause he was her man,
But he done her wrong.
Frankie, she was a good girl,
'Most everybody knows;
Gave Johnny a hundred dollars
To get himself a suit of clothes,
'Cause he was her man,
But he done her wrong.
Frankie worked down in a crib-joint,
A place with only two doors,
Gave all her money to Johnny,
Who spent it on "some very best people";
He was doing her wrong,
Yes, damn his soul.
Frankie, she was a swell girl,
So the landlady said;
She always was so doggone busy,
Never had time to get out of bed;
But he done her wrong,
God damn his soul.
Frankie hung out a sign
Saying "No more fish for sale,"
And then went looking for Johnny
To give him all her kale,
'Cause she loved her man;
But he done her wrong.
[39]
So Frankie went down to the corner,
To get a big glass of beer;
Said to the man called "Bartender,"
"Has my loving Johnny been here?
God damn his soul!
Is he doing me wrong?"
"I couldn't tell you no story,
I couldn't tell you no lie,
I saw your Johnny 'bout an hour ago
With a floozy called Alice Bly;
He might be your man,
But he's doing you wrong."
Frankie ran back to the crib-joint,
Lay down on the old work-bench,
While Johnny was changing his luck
With that high-yellow wench;
He was doing her wrong,
God damn his soul.
Frankie took off her red kimona,
And this time it wasn't for fun,
'Cause right underneath it
She had a great big forty-four gun;
He was doing her wrong,
Doggone his soul.
Frankie ran down to the hop-joint,
Frankie rang the hop-joint bell;
"Stand back, you pimps and ladies,
Or I'll blow you straight to hell;
I'm looking for my man,
'Cause he's doing me wrong."
Frankie ran up the hallway
And started to look around;
She caught Alice with ten toes up
And Johnny with ten toes down,
God damn his soul,
He was doing her wrong.
[40]
Johnny ran down the stairway
And hollered, "Kid, please don't shoot."
Frankie raised up the big forty-four,
And went five times "Root-i-toot-toot!"
She shot her man
'Cause he done her wrong.
"Turn me over, Frankie,
Turn me over slow;
Turn me over on my right side,
So my Hoover button won't show;
You've killed your man,
But I done you wrong."
Frankie fought with the sergeant
As he threw her in a cell,
"I'm gonna get that nigger wench
If we fight it out in hell;
He was my man,
And he done me wrong."
So bring out your rubber-tired hearses,
Bring out your rubber-tired hacks;
Thirteen macks going to the cemetery
But only twelve came back;
She killed her man,
'Cause he done her wrong.
Frankie said to the sergeant,
"What do you think they'll do?"
The sergeant said to Frankie,
"They ought to pardon you;
You killed your man,
But he done you wrong."
Now it wasn't any kind of murder,
In either the second or third;
This woman just dropped her lover
Like a hunter drops a bird—
He was her man,
And he done her wrong.
[41]
Frankie stood before the Justice,
Just as bold as brass;
"I didn't shoot him in any degree,
Just in his big fat bottle and glass,
He was my man,
And he was doing me wrong."
The judge, he said to Frankie,
"I guess it's all for the best;
He was just a color-blind pimp
That got to be an awful pest;
You killed your man,
But he done you wrong."
Three little pieces of crepe,
Hanging on the crib-joint door,
Signifies that Johnnie
Will never be a pimp no more;
He's dead and gone,
'Cause he done her wrong.
MONKEY GLANDS
We know of a geezer named Sands
Who submitted to wifey's demands,
And sent off by mail,
Quite a bunch of kale,
For an outfit of new monkey glands.
And he got and took them of course,
And they proved an unfailing resource,
But the way the THING stands,
It is said Mrs. Sands
Is going to sue for divorce.
[42]
MEPHIPHA ALPHABET
A is for Amour that starts the affair,
B is for Bedroom to which they repair,
C is for Cigarettes smoked in between,
D is for Drinks that are frequently seen,
E is for Elevator, takes the pair up,
F for French restaurant, such as the Pup,
G is for Girl, a regular jewel,
H is for Husband, the silly old fool,
I for Illicit love, long may it reign,
J for the Joy of it, giving sweet pain,
K is for Kisses you want more and more,
L is for Lingerie strewn on the floor,
M for Mephipha, my but it's grand,
N for both Nature and Nudity stand,
O is for Oh—in the stillness of night,
P is for Passion, makes everything right,
Q is for Quality and Quantity, too,
R for Resistance, found in but few,
S for the Skin of her, fair as a pearl,
T for Technique, that would make your hair curl,
U is for Unity, the greatest of joys,
V is for Virtue, that only annoys,
W for Whirling-spray, grand old invention,
X for expenses, needless to mention,
Y Is for you, dear, inspiring this rhyme,
Z for the hope we'll meet some other time.
THE BEES AND BIRDS DO IT
The little birds and bees do it,
Kings and queens do it,
If I hadn't promised to be true, I'd do it;
But I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll lie still and let you do it.
[43]
ACE IN THE HOLE
The more you look around this good old Reno town,
You'll find what I am telling you is true,
They'll meet you with a smile,
But you're knowing all the while
That they're trying to hand something to you.
And the tales that they'll be telling
Of the lemons they are selling,
And of the "C" notes they are spending buying clothes.
But you known damn well they're lying—
It's their little ace that does the buying
That clothes them from their head down to their toes.
Some of them write to the old folks for coin,
That is their ace in the hole;
Some of them have girls in the old tenderloin,
That's their ace in the hole;
They tell of trips they're going to take
From 'Frisco to the old North Pole;
But they'd be just as dead as a chump playing "stud"
If they lost their ace in the hole.
"TRICKS" AIN'T WALKING NO MORE
You all have heard this tale before,
Maybe in the jail-house or maybe before,
When your girl comes home, tired and sore,
It's time to make arrangements for a bran' new whore;
Everywhere you see the bitch you'll hear her say:
"Tricks ain't walking no more,
Tricks ain't walking no more,
The girls begin to hustle at the break of day,
Try'n to get a dollar for their rent to pay;
The landlady singing the blues
'Cause the girls can't sell no booze,
I never saw it break so god-damned tough before,
'Cause tricks ain't walkin' no more."
[44]
MORE LIMERICKS
There once were two Hollywood nanas
In hiking clothes, showing their manna's;
Said a man, just for fun,
"Your pants are undone."
They said, "Yes! We have no bananas!"
♦
There once was a sweet little lass
Who rode a pony with class;
A beau said one day,
"Dismount, please, I pray,"
And both she and the horse went to grass.
♦
There was an old maid from Glou'ster,
Met a passionate man who "tossed her";
She wasn't much hurt,
But it dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
♦
There was a young man named Hughes,
Who swore off all kinds of booze;
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
♦
There was a young lady named Flora,
Went to a picnic with an adorer;
What happened that day
I'd rather not say,
But she's got lots of troubles before'er.
♦
There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was seduced four times in a hansom;
She lay on the floor
And yelled for more,
But the guy's name was Simpson—not Samson.
[45]
-
IN THE COTTAGE NEXT TO MINE
A Parody
In the cottage next to mine,
In the cottage next to mine,
There's a newly-married couple
In the cottage next to mine;
They go to bed at ten o'clock
And don't get up 'til nine;
So there must be "something doing"
In the cottage next to mine.
THE SCOTCH LASS
As I came o'er the Cairney mount
And down among the blooming heather,
A Highland laddie drew his dirk
And sheathed it in my wanton leather.
With me he played his war-like pranks,
And on me boldly did adventure,
He did attack me on both flanks
And pushed me fiercely in the center.
A furious battle then began,
With equal courage and desire;
Altho' he struck me three to one,
I stood my ground and received his fire.
But our ammunition being spent,
And quite out of breath from beating,
We did agree, with both consent,
To fight it out next meeting.
THRILLS AND SHOCKS
You may get thrills and shocks
In many different ways,
But the difference 'tween thrills and shocks
Is but twenty-eight short days.
[46]
BRASSIERE
Prithee, prithee! Lady Fair,
Passing by with conscious air,
Proudly flaunting charms so fare,
Won't you buy a brassiere?
It is hard enough this life,
Left in town without a wife,
Trying to be good and true,
Doing what I ought to do.
Prithee! Lady, do be fair,
Buy yourself a brassiere.
Worse than skirts, too short, and hobble,
Is this teasing wobble, wobble,
With its added base appeal,
Gained by joggin' on your heel;
Aw! for gosh sakes, Lady Fair,
Get yourself a brassiere.
Why must women lure a fellow?
Why not leave that stuff to jello,
Or to bowls of trembling suet?
Why, even skinny ones can do it;
Oh! for Pete's sake, Lady Fair,
Get yourself a brassiere.
Feeble efforts that you make
An unconscious air to take
Do not fool one man in town;
We've seen you peeping down,
Peeping down with admiration
At the gentle agitation;
Have a heart, sweet Lady Fair,
Get yourself a brassiere.
[47]
Must you go in for all these fashions
Just to arouse our baser passions?
Stop these devilish attractions
That tempt us to unworthy actions;
So I beg you, Lady Fair,
Get yourself a brassiere!
Buy one—show your good intent;
Wear it home, don't wait to have it sent;
Get one tight to stop the trouble;
I will pay; yes, I'll pay double!
But for Christ's sake, Lady Fair,
Get yourself a
brassiere!!!
IF YOU WON'T
Here's to you if you love me
And here's to you if you don't;
A smile for you, if you're willing,
A tear for you, if you won't.
LADY OF EDEN
There was a lady of Eden,
On apples was quite fond of feedin';
She gave one to Adam,
Who said "Thank you, madam,
You've got just what I've been needin'."
[48]
SHIPS
Here's to the ships of the ocean,
Here's to the girls of the land,
May the former be well rigged,
And the latter be well manned.
SUSIE'S BEAU
Sister Susie's got a beau;
Say! He ain't so goshdurn slow;
As a kisser he's right there,
Boy! He smacks her everywhere.
Just last Sunday I got hep—
Watched him kiss her on the step;
Came inside and sat in there,
And then he kissed her on the chair;
A little later, just for sport,
He kissed her on the davenport;
Sis just squealed and hollered "Ouch!"
When he smacked her on the couch.
When at night they stroll and talk,
He will kiss her on the walk;
And, you wouldn't think it true—
He kissed her on the avenue!
In his Ford, oh, he's neat—
Once he kissed her on the seat;
Talk about your pigs in clover,
He just kisses her all over.
WHILE YOUNG
So then be free, while young you be,
And let your mother scold;
And just be wise and don't despise
When men become too bold.
At forty-three a prude you'll be,
And lay your follies by;
But if 'til then you shun the men
You'll wish that you could die.
[49]
STRIP POKER
Betty and Billy, myself and fair Milly,
Once sat in a strip-poker game;
All of us truly were young and unruly,
But the pep was there just the same.
The cards that I had were running quite bad,
Then suddenly, they came to me great;
From out of the slush, I cornered a flush
Of diamonds, the four to the eight.
Betty and Billy dropped out, leaving Milly
And yours very truly to fight it alone;
I raised it a tie and, flicker me eye,
She saw it and raised it a comb.
This kinda hurt, I saw with my shirt,
With a coat I raised in great haste;
She looked with her belt and, oi Gevelt!
Boosted it high with her waist.
But I didn't flinch, it sure was a cinch—
So I bet every stitch that I had;
She saw, if you please, with her silken chemise
And———
(Stopped by the Censors)
Too bad!!
WHAT A LAY
What a lay in the hay was my baby,
What a lay in the hay was she;
What a lay in the hay was my baby,
When we lie thigh to thigh, knee to knee.
We kiss and kiss, and then
We kiss and kiss again;
What a lay in the hay was my baby—
What a lay, what a lay, what a lay!
[50]
MORE HESITATION BLUES
When he saw the Easter eggs
Were blue, green and red,
The rooster went next door
And knocked the peacock dead.
♦
Tried to grab myself a gal,
A cute little elf;
She said, "No chance, kid;
I'm in business fo' myself."
♦
I awoke with a thirst
And an awful head;
So I drank my bath
And went back to bed.
♦
"I've got eighteen kids,"
Said blind man Ewing;
"Pity the blind—
Can't see what I'm doing."
♦
I went out last night
To make a call;
I had no luck—
'Nother mule in my stall.
♦
"Shall we eat
Or shall we go to beddy?"
"I don't care," said the wife;
"But dinner isn't ready."
[51]
ANNA
Yestre'en I had a pint o' wine,
A place where body saw na';
Yestre'en lay on this breast of mine
The raven locks of Anna.
The hungry Jew, in wilderness,
Rejoicing o'er his manna,
Has nothing to the honey bliss
Upon the lips of Anna.
Let monarchs take the east and west,
From India to Savannah;
Give me within my straining grasp
The melting form of Anna.
Then I'll despise imperial charms,
An empress or sultana;
While dying raptures, in her arms,
I give and take with Anna.
Away thou flaunting God of Day,
Away thou pale Diana;
And bring an angel-pen to write
My transports with my Anna.
Postcript:
The kirk and state may join and tell
To do sic' things I manna;
The kirk and state may gae to hell,
An' I shall go to Anna.
She is the sunshine o' me e'e,
To love but her I canna;
Had I on earth but wishes three
The first should be my Anna.
[52]
STILL MORE LIMERICKS
There was an old lady named Brewster
Who had an intrigue with a rooster;
When living got high
She killed the Shanghai,
And dined on the bird that seduced her.
♦
There was a young lady from Spain
Who invented a way to make rain;
But her ma wouldn't let her
Because it would wet her—
Now wouldn't that give you a pain?
♦
There was a young girl on the Dee,
Would stay with each man she did see;
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
♦
There was a young girl from Anheuser
Who said no man could surprise her;
But Pabst took a chance,
And found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she's sadder Budweiser.
♦
There was a young lady named Kate
Who decided that she'd propagate;
When asked how she fared,
Said, "At first I was scared,
But now I'm doing first rate."
[53]
ROCK CANDY MOUNTAINS
On a summer day in the month of May,
A burly bum was hiking;
He lay down by the side of a tree,
It was very much to his liking.
On that very same day, in the month of May,
A farmer's son went hiking;
Said the bum to the son, "Come go with me
And I'll show you things to your liking.
"I'll show you the Bees, the Cigarette Trees
And the Soda Water Fountains,
The Lemonade Springs where the Bluebird sings,
And the great Rock Candy Mountains.
"The Gum Drop Heights, where they give away Kites
And marbles made of crystals.
We'll join the band called Dead Shot Dan,
Who wears the swords and pistols."
The boy was gone, about six months long,
And after six months of his travels
He shot back on the S. P. track
And this tale he unravels:
[54]
"I've seen no Bees, no Cigarette Trees,
No Soda Water Fountains,
No Gum Drop Heights where they give away Kites,
No big Rock Candy Mountains."
No Lemonade Springs, Where the Bluebird sings,
No Marbles made of Crystals,
And there's no such man as Two-Gun Dan,
Who wears the swords and pistols.
Be—w—a—a—a—re, Be—w—a—a—a-—re,
Of the bum they call Big Sandy;
He'll take you to a water tank
And cop a sneak quite handy.
He'll sit you on his peg and he'll make you beg
And call himself your jocker;
He'll black your eye if you can't beg pie,
And call you an "apple knocker."
So all you punks that can't beg lumps
And clothes for old-time Sandy,
Better cop a sneak through Pike's Peak,
And beware of the bum called Sandy.
[55]
MY FIRST PIECE
When I was a child, I nearly went wild,
And wanted to learn the piano.
I had a beau, who had lots of dough
And he had bought me a cute baby grand.
Oh, I'll never forget how happy I was
When I got my first lesson.
I didn't know why, but I started to cry
When I got my first piece from my teacher.
Chorus:
My first piece, my first piece,
I was so young and so sentimental;
I was so shy, oh, so shy,
But he was so patient and gentle.
I had many lessons since I was a child,
So many I cannot recall.
That was long, long ago,
But there's one thing I know,
I liked my first piece best of all.
ORGAN AND PIANO
Mary Green had a piano
Which she was learning to play;
'Twas given to her by her uncle
When she was young, so they say.
A young organist was her teacher,
He was a musician of note;
One night she wrote him a letter,
And this is what she wrote:
Chorus:
Come play on my grand piano
A tune that I love so well;
You send a thrill through and through me
When on each passage you swell.
You have a lovely organ,
With it I'm carried away;
With your organ and my grand piano,
What a lovely duet we can play.
[56]
HUMAN NATURE
It's only human nature, after all,
If you have a young lady against the wall,
And you show determination
To increase the population,
It's only human nature, after all.
OH, MOTHER
O, mother, Rodger, with his kisses
Almost stops my breath, I vow;
Why does he grip my hand to pieces,
And yet says he loves me, too?
Nay, more, the naughty man; beside it
Something in my mouth he put;
I called him beast and tried to bite it,
But for my life I cannot do it.
He sets me in his lap whole hours,
Where I feel I know not what;
Something I never felt in yours—
Pray tell me, mother, what is that?
WHAT?
A Riddle
Stiff standing in the bed,
First white and then red,
And there's not a lady in the land,
But would take it in her hand,
Put it in her mouth
And wish she had a dozen more
For,
it's a strawberry !
[57]
WINTER
Winter may come with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch,
You can't take your women
Canoeing or swimming,
But a lot can be done on a couch.
THE RAVEN
Once upon a midnight dreary
When of smoking I was weary,
And had drunk up all my whiskey,
Only wishing there was more;
Just as I was lightly napping,
Suddenly there came a rapping
As of some fair female tapping,
Tapping at my chamber door;
'Tis some chippy that's awishin'
To my room to gain admission;
Well, I'll rise and let her enter,
Enter tho' she be a whore,
Only that and nothing more.
So I opened wide the portal
And there stood such a mortal
As in all my living moments
I had never seen before.
She had lost her upper garments,
And of all seductive varmints
She was sure the warmest baby
Mortal woman ever bore;
And each palpitating bubby
Was so round and firm and chubby
That my spirits rose within me,
Just my spirits, nothing more;
Yes, my spirits; nothing more.
[58]
OUR PARENTS
Our parents come together first,
To satisfy each other's lust;
Pleasure is the main procurer,
And matrimony's best insurer;
Other ends they scarce have any,
Tho' they pretend to many.
Thus we're got, as they before,
And we're soon ripe for getting more.
A JUST BARGAIN
I am a lover, and 'tis true,
Fair lady, I'm in love with you;
Woman you are, for all I can see,
Yet more assured I wish to be.
Such a trial then don't refuse,
As people in all bargains use.
You feel pullets, so they say,
If not plump, you won't pay;
Men ride horses, and try their pace,
And so would I in this case.
Men don't buy land before they know
What kind of fruit is apt to grow.
Now, if any of my parts, or all,
You would like to trial call,
You shall both see and feel, and taste,
Lest you repent, my dear, in haste;
So part with part, let us compare;
There's no deceit in open-ware.
Your limbs and feet are straight and fine,
And look, my dear, pray what are mine?
You have a round and lusty thigh,
And look, my love, so have I;
And that little part that all must bind—
Don't show me, dear; I might go blind!
[59]
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young and foolish
I used to take delight
To go to balls and dances,
And stay out late at night.
'Twas at a ball I met him,
He asked me for a dance;
I knowed he was a sailor
By the buttons on his pants.
His shoes were neatly polished,
His hair was neatly combed,
And when the dance was over
He asked to see me home.
As we walked home together
I heard the people say,
"There goes another girlie
That's being led astray."
'Twas on my father's doorstep
That I was led astray;
'Twas in my mother's bedroom
That I was forced to lay.
He laid me down so gently—
He raised my dresses high;
He said, "Now, Maggie darling,
Take it now, or die.
"Here is a half-a-dollar
For the damage I have done,
For soon you will have children,
A daughter or a son.
[60]
"If it is a daughter
Take her on your knee;
But if it's a son, then
Send him out to sea.
"I hope, next time I see you,
That you'll remember me,
And thank God for the blessing
That I have brought to thee."
THE SPANISH NOBILIO
There once was a Spanish nobilio,
Who lived in an ancient castillio;
He was proud of his tra la la lillio,
And the works of his tweedle dum dee!
One day he went to the theatillio,
And there saw a lovely dancillio
Who excited his tra la la lillio,
And the works of his tweedle dum dee!
He took her up to his castillio
And laid her upon his sofillio,
Then inserted his tra la la lillio,
And the works of his tweedle dum dee!
Nine days later he saw the doctillio—
He had a fine dose of clapillio
All over his tra la la lillio,
And the works of his tweedle dum dee!
Now he sits in his castillio,
With a handful of cotton-wadillio
He swabs off his tra la la lillio,
And the works of his tweedle dum dee!
[61]
THE HOLE
I'm a hole, 'though too narrow
When first I am tried,
Yet the thing I was made for
Can stretch me out wide;
Though at the first entrance
Perhaps I may tease ye,
Soon after I commonly
Prove for to please ye.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
I'm long in my shape,
And my depth can't be found;
And when I'm stretch'd open
My form is more round;
Though I'm nothing but mouth
Yet no teeth can you find;
I am chiefly before,
Though I'm sometimes behind.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
And as for my color,
If e'er you have seen
The whimsical coat
Of the stage harlequin;
It's white and it's red,
And it's black and it's brown,
Not a color on that,
But on me may be found.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
Some whimsical fools
Who quite bare chose to have me,
An act in their favor,
Petition'd there might be:
Then the king, and the state,
Took me into their care,
And declared with once voice
They would choose me with hair.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
[62]
I was formed in an instant,
But was not complete,
There was something still wanting,
They found not out yet;
Then the members rose up,
All like creatures bewitched,
And cried it's worth nothing
If 'tis not well flitched.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
To modest folks' ears
I would give no offense;
Though the meaning is double
You may draw from hence,
You may think what you will
But my song's not obscene,
For 'tis nought but a BUTTON-HOLE,
Faith that I mean.
Derry down, down, hey derry down.
WHERE I TRIED HER
I tried her on the sofa,
I tried her on the chair,
I tried her on the window seat,
I tried to get it there,
I tried her this way and that way;
Oh, goodness, how I laugh
To think how many ways I tried,
To get her
photograph.
[63]
ANOTHER PIECE
"Now, Bill," she said, "No more tonight,
For three you're had already."
She was indeed quite liberal,
But then, he was her steady.
"But," Bill replied, with great emotion,
"Can't you see, dear, that I crave it;
And, furthermore, what is the use
In endeavoring to save it?"
"Learn to control yourself," she said,
For soon we will be married;
Accomplish this, and happy we'll be."
This was how she parried.
"But it's ripe, my little angel child,
And will not last forever."
She smiled, and answered tauntingly,
"Now, don't you think you're clever?"
"Oh, my love," he said, "another piece,
I'll have it stripped, my dear;
One more will hurt neither you nor me,
So banish your unfounded fear."
"Well, here," she said, "you may have it,
But you must strip it yourself";
He slowly stripped the herbacious fruit
And ate the
banana
himself.
CHEERIO
Two little pillows all edged with lace,
Two little heads face to face;
Everything else in its proper place—
Cheerio !
[64]
A FOOL THERE WAS
A fool there was, and he met a belle
Even as you and I;
And he took her to a swell hotel,
Even as you and I;
And he thought himself a smart young gink
As he wrote "and wife" with the pen and ink,
And slyly gave the clerk a wink,
Even as you and I.
They went up the hallway and into the room,
Even as you and I;
Trying to look like a bride and groom,
Even as you and I;
She was 'Frisco's most beautiful belle
And the fool was all set to give her hell,
But when you're past forty, you never can tell,
Even as you and I.
She took off her waist and showed her white breast,
Even as you and I;
And he stripped right down to the hair on his chest,
Even as you and I;
She hopped into bed, mad with desire;
He felt himself a ball of fire,
Then suddenly discovered he had a flat tire,
Even as you and I.
The fool sat down and he made a prayer,
Even as you and I;
And for once in his life he prayed on the square,
Even as you and I;
But the beautiful maid gave up in despair,
Nothing was stiff—not even a hair;
She sent for the bellboy and gave the fool the air,
Even as you and I.
HERE'S TO IT
Here's to it and at it
And at it and to it
And to it and at it again;
And then if you get to it
And then don't do it,
Here's hopin' you never can do it again!
[65]
WHAT SHE LEARNED FROM OTHER MEN
"The love I bear you, dearest,
Would make the sweetest tale,
We'd sail upon a sea of bliss,
And I would life the sail."
"Our happiness would be sublime,
Surpassing tongue or pen,
You may as well learn things from me,
As to learn from other men."
"Oh, you have touched me deeply,"
The young thing whispered low.
He pleaded, "Come, oh, come with me!"
She couldn't answer No.
She said, "I'll be your pupil,"
And softly added then:
"I may as well learn things from you
As to learn from other men."
They dined alone that evening
And the young man had his wish;
They even broke the unwritten law
Of "Never before ze feesh."
At half-past three, next morning,
He staggered home again;
She had taught him tricks he never knew,
That she had learned from other men.
THE MEN—DAMN 'EM
Here's to the men because I like them,
When I like them I love them,
When I love them I kiss them,
When I kiss them I let them,
When I let them I lose them—
Damn 'em!
[66]
THE HESITATION BLUES
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Show me a man
That a woman can trust.
♦
Ain't no ice-man,
No ice-man's son,
But I'll give you a piece
'Til the ice-man comes.
♦
Blacker the berry
The sweeter the juice;
Got a big black gal
For my personal use.
♦
Ain't no plumber,
No plumber's son,
But I'll plug up your hole
'Til the plumber comes.
♦
Sugar is sugar,
And salt is salt;
If you don't get lovin'
It's your own damn fault.
♦
Ain't no butcher,
No butcher's son,
I'll give you a bone
'Til the butcher comes.
[67]
MY THING IS MY OWN
I'm a tender young maid, and have been courted by many
Of all sorts and all trades, as ever was any;
A spruce haberdasher first spake me fair,
But I would have nothing to do with small-ware.
Chorus:
My thing is my own
And I'll keep it so still,
Let the other young lasses
Do as they will.
A fine man of law did come out of Strand,
To plead his own cause with his fee in his hand;
He made a brave motion but that would not do,
For I did dismiss him and non-suit him, too.
My thing is my own, etc.
A master of music came with intent
To give me a lesson on my instrument;
I thanked him for nothing, bid him be gone,
For my little fiddle was not to be played on.
My thing is my own, etc.
A banker came, with abundance of cash,
But I had no mind to come under his lash;
He proffered me jewels, he offered me gold,
But I would not mortgage my little free-hold.
My thing is my own, etc.
A fine dapper tailor, with a yard in his hand,
Did offer his service to be at command;
He talked of a slit I had above knee—
But I'll have no tailor to stitch it for me.
My thing is my own, etc.
[68]
MORE BLUES
I have to go out
And get awful tight;
Takes me all night to do
What I used to do all night.
♦
I got a honey man,
And a money man, too;
But the money can't do
What ma honey can do.
♦
Hens in the barnyard,
Chickens in the hay;
You got to give 'em corn
If you want 'em to lay.
♦
"Two little white pills,
What's the matter, heart-burn?"
She said, "Oh, no, dearie;
Just "asperin."
♦
I've got a wife
And a sweetie, too,
'Cause my wife don't like it,
But my sweetie do.
♦
When you ride in taxis,
Won't you tell me, please,
How yo' gonna keep yo' trouser
From bagging at the knees?
[69]
CLOSSERSON'S OWN SUMMARY
of the game of
CONTACT
By Uli Closserson
Foreword:
In preparing this summary, the author assumes that the student possesses
at least a rudimentary knowledge of the game. A Summary, however skill-
fully made, can do no more than summarize. For a true grasp of the essen-
tials or finer points, a fuller and more detailed study is necessary. For those
who have never had the opportunity to test the principles of the game in
actual practice or never expect to, The Blue Book of Contact has been pre-
pared. For Bachelor enthusiasts The Hand Book is recommended—It
concisely outlines, with gestures, the foremost systems of Solitaire.
Introduction:
The Game of Contact has existed in one form or another since the earliest
days of Mankind. It was originally known as Whist, because of the rapidity
of early day play; and later, when Commercialism entered, as Auction.
Throughout the ages, various elaborations have been made and refinements
added. The Raise was of course inspired by Eve. The Double invoked in
behalf of the Chinese Princess, Tu Yung Tu, while the jump shift,
employed as a defensive measure by Catherine de Medici, led to the
innovation by Louis XIV of a slam in the Grand Manner, now called the
GRAND SLAM.
What Imbecile introduced the RENEGE has never been established, but it
matters little, since it has practically fallen into disuse at the present era. It
remained, however, for the author, Uli Closserson, to bring Contact the
zest and sparkle which is accountable for its amazing popularity and which
marks it truly as the coming game by introduction of the Approach Principle
and its twin brother, The Forcing Principle.
[70]
The Approach Principle:
This consists of choosing an opening play by comparing your probable
tricks with those of your partner. This includes quick tricks, ruffing tricks,
playing tricks, under tricks, over tricks, and side tricks. (It should be
remembered, however, that in Contact, tricks developed after game is
reached are of no playing value.) Honor tricks are, of course, to be disre-
garded entirely.
The Forcing Principle:
This Device is employed to produce game when partner, though possess-
ing game requirements, fails, through timidity or inexperience to disclose
them.
Forcing Situations Occur When:
(a) Partner has great honor strength and refuses to open.
(b) You possess extra length or a great freak.
(c) Partner has a complete bust and you hold no stoppers.
Don'ts for Beginners:
Never hold up the game.
Never leave your partner with an unguarded Major.
Never employ the forcing system with an inexperienced partner without
first considering the results to be obtained by careful manipulation of your
hand.
Conventions:
The Game can sometimes be gotten under way without ceremony by men-
tioning a Diamond.
The one-over-one is one of the oldest conventions and is still good.
Partner may signal for a take-out by making a squeeze play. (Make a
simple non-jump take-out so as not to ruff partner's Queen.)
Rule of Eight:
This is a yard-stick for determining opponent's holding. Assuming that
partner has a bare Queen, make an opening in partner's suit. If opponent
raises, as he probably will, the length of his holding will be disclosed.
(Obviously, your chances of making game with 4 to 4 1/2
against your
opponent with 8 or 8 1/2 are nil, except perhaps through a dummy set-up.
[71]
Leads :
When partner leads the Queen up to your Jack, it is a strength lead and
probably indicates that you can go game. It also means that your partner
has an odd trick not previously disclosed.
If partner holds the Queen in Hand after your Jack is exposed, it is a
weakness lead.
Length leads, and top of nothing leads, are employed, as the case may be,
to advise partner of your holding. (The author finds this most advan-
tageous, personally. See section on Short-cuts.)
Take-Outs:
A regular take-out may be made to prolong the game or to permit partner
to pass.
An immediate take-out should be made if partner is VULNERABLE; in
a condition to be hurt.
A forcing take-out must be made if you find yourself caught in a minor.
A jump take-out is advised when there is danger of losing the rubber.
Re-Entries:
Re-entry may be made immediately after a regulation take-out if you have
a raise and possess adequate strength, provided partner shows an inclina-
tion to double.
Re-entry through your own hand may be made if you know exactly where
the Queen lies.
Re-entry through your partner's hand is usually the best expedient, par-
ticularly for the novice. Even this method is uncertain after the Third
round, however.
Suits:
In Contact, avoid long suits whenever possible, except in defensive play.
Short suits are a great advantage, and if it develops that your partner is
void, having no suit to cover whatever, the advantage is still greater.
If partner passes during the open play, it is advisable to shift to another
suit, or clean up the first suit before proceeding.
Never make a jump take-out in a long suit. Many fine suits have been
ruined by this procedure.
Vulnerable:
If partner is vulnerable, your only chance of making game is through
playing tricks in your own or your partner's hand, or through psychic plays.
[72]
Non-Vulnerable :
If partner is not vulnerable, and you fail to make game, you are the Dummy
in the play.
Re-Doubles:
Never double and re-double in the same rubber. It is dangerous. Partner
may be caught with an over-trick in the later stages, in which case an
elimination play is the only salvation. In any event, it places a heavy
burden on partner's ability to meet any situation that may arise.
Defensive Plays:
The best defensive play is to throw away the Jack.
Offensive Plays:
The following plays are considered offensive:
(a) Placing your Jack on partner's Queen and immediately making a jump
take-out.
(b) Cross-ruffing. This procedure is difficult of description, but in general
consists of alternation of play with your Jack between partner's Queen
and Ace. ( You'd be surprised how offensive this is.)
Responses:
Normal support is to be expected from partner. If partner makes a pre-
emptive shut-out, resort to the forcing system. If this fails, discard your
Jack and open with a Spade. If partner denies making a double shift-jump,
attempt to maneuver partner into a ten-ace position, and finess the Jack
through the Ace up to the Queen. (This may be confusing to the partner,
but it is the only recourse in this situation.)
References:
Space does not permit a detailed discussion in this summary of safeguards
and procedures, psychic raises to keep the play open, free responses, pen-
alties, bonuses, revokes and other details. Premiums for two and three
game rubbers, scoring below the line, and "wait and see" tactics, as well
as many other conventions involved in the Intercourse of Contact Partner-
ship, are fully covered, however, in the regular textbook, Contact Back-
ward and Forward.
The Author regrets his inability to continue with course of personal instruc-
tions, but as this is impossible due to continuous demand, Get work on the
Ins and Outs of Contact.
[73]
PART TWO
We make a division at this point to warn our readers
that the remaining poems have passed the stage of
innuendo and you are now to be presented with Folk
Songs, Poems and Limericks in the "raw."
The balance of the verse in this volume leaves noth-
ing to the imagination except absurd situations, and
we ask those, whose sense of propriety is easily
offended, to CLOSE THE BOOK!
THE "WRECKS CLUB"
[75]
HUMORESQUE
Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets
While the train is standing
In the station; I love you!
We encourage constipation while
The train is standing in
The station; moonlight brings me
Memories of you!
If you find you must make water
You can call the porter,
He will place a vessel
In the vestibule.
So—passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets
While the train is standing
In the station.
That's the Golden Rule!
SHANTY TOWN
It's only a privvy
In old Shanty Town,
There's only two holes
For you to sit down;
There's no chain hanging there
But naught can compare
To the bargains you find
In the catalogue there.
I'd give up a palace
If I were a king,
'Twas there I first learned
To shake my old thing;
'Twould not be the same,
But it was there I first came,
In that privvy in old Shanty Town.
[77]
A YOUNG MAN AND A MAID
A young man and a maid, put in all,
Together lately play'd, put in all;
The young man was in jest,
Oh, the maid she did protest,
She bid him do his best, put in all.
With that her rolling eyes, put in all,
Turn'd upward to the skies, put in all;
My skin is white, you see,
My dress above my knee,
What would you more of more, put in all.
I hope my neck and breast, put in all,
Lie open to your chest, put in all;
And I hope you satisfy
The first time that you try
Or else I know I'll die; put in all.
According to her will, put in all,
This young man tried his skill, put in all,
But the proverb plain does tell
That use them ne'er so well,
For an inch they'd take an ell, put in all.
When they had ended sport, put in all,
She found him all too short, put in all;
For when he'd done his best
The maid she did protest,
'Twas nothing but a jest, put in all.
GOODS
I hope my old lady sells out,
I hope my old lady sells out;
She's got lots of gash
And she sells it for cash,
So I hope my old lady sells out.
[78]
TO A SOCIAL HOUR
A social glass and a social lass
Go very well together;
But a social lass with a social ass
I think a damn-sight better.
Here's to the glass,
And the lass, and the ass;
May we meet in all kinds of weather;
We'll drink from the glass,
And feel of the ass,
And make the lass feel better.
TOBACCOS
Prince Albert, after slipping
Fatima, the daughter of
Dixie Queen, a few
Gold Crumbs, took her for a stroll down the
Pall Mall, which leads to the
Old Mill; after carefully spreading his
Velvet lined
Tuxedo, which was given him by
Philip Morris, beneath the
Twin Oaks, he eased his
Cork-Tipped Turkish Trophy into her
Old English Curve Cut and gave her such a load of
Duke's Mixture that she sprayed
Bull Durham all over her
Mail Pouch.
THE BUGLE CALL
Asshole, asshole, a soldier I would be,
And piss, and piss, and pistols on my knee;
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
To fight for cunt, for cunt, for country.
[79]
THE SKONK I HUNT
I hunt de bear, I hunt de moose,
An' sometam hunt de rat;
Las' week I take ma hax an' go
For hunt a skonk polecat.
Ma fren' Beel say he's ver' fine fur,
An' same tam good to heat;
I tell ma wife I get fur coat,
Same tam I get some meat.
I walk 'bout three, five, six mile,
And then I feel strong smell—
Tink mebbe that dam skonk she die
An' fur coat gone to hell.
Pursoon bime-by I see that skonk
Close up by one beeg tree;
I sneek up ver' close behin',
I tink he no see me.
Bime-by I'm ver', ver' close,
I raise ma hax up high,
Dat goddam' skonk he up, an' plunk—
T'row something in my eye.
Oh, Sacre Bleau! I tink I blin';
Jees Chris'! I cannot see;
I run roun' and roun'
'Til I bump in goddam' tree.
Bime-by I drop ma hax away
An' light out for de shack,
I tink 'bout million skonk
He dim' up on ma back.
Ma wife she meet me at the door,
She sic on me de dog;
She say "You no sleep here tonight;
Go out an' sleep with hog."
I try to get in that pig-pen,
Jees Cris! now what you tink?
Dat goddam' hog no stan' for that
On 'count of awful stink.
No more I go for hunt de skonk
To get his fur an' meat;
For if he peese he smell so bad,
Jees Chris'! what if he sheet!
[80]
SPEARMINT GUM
Says the boy to the girl,
"Will you give me some?
"I will," she said,
"If you buy me some gum."
So the boy was nice
And bought some gum,
And the girl agreed
To give him some.
"This is something
That I've never done,
For I was taught
Stiff things to shun.
"But if it's half as nice
As the gum I chew
I know I'll like it
As well as you."
So he laid her down
Upon the grass;
She chewed her gum
And wiggled her ass.
And the nearer she came
To where she "come,"
The harder she chewed
Her spearmint gum.
All of a sudden
She grabbed him tight,
Grunted and squeezed
With all her might.
Tears came to her eyes,
She swallowed her gum,
Almost passed out—
And then she "come"!
[81]
THE SHIP'S IN THE HARBOR
The ship's in the harbor,
She lies by the dock,
Like a young girl and young man,
With a stiff standing—
Haul away for the mainsail,
The main top set sail;
Haul away for the main sail,
For the main top set sail.
And there was young Johnny,
The pride of the crew,
Who liked to drink whiskey
And also to
Water the garden
When he was at home.
Etc.
He could dive like a fish
And swim like a duck;
Always trying to find
A new way to
Save the girls' lives
If a cramp they should take.
Etc.
But alas, we put in at
A far northern port,
And he froze it from chasing
And broke it off
Half way to Juneau,
Half way to Nome.
Etc.
Oh, the ship's in the harbor,
And she lies by the lock,
But, alas for poor Johnny,
He has no more
Yard arm to splice
Or top mast to brace.
Etc.
[82]
WHANG
I'll tell you a little story,
Just a story I have heard,
And you'll swear it's all a fable,
But it's gospel every word.
When the Lord made father Adam
They say he laughed and sang,
And sewed him up the belly
With a little piece of whang.
But when the Lord was finished
He found he'd measured wrong;
For when the whang was knotted
'Twas several inches long.
Said he, "'Tis but eight inches
So I guess I'll let it hang."
So he left on Adam's belly
That little piece of whang.
But when the Lord made mother Eve
I imagine he did snort
When he found the whang he sewed
Her with was inches short.
"'Twill leave an awful gap," said he,
But I should give a damn;
She can fight it out with Adam
For that little piece of whang."
So ever since that day
When human life began,
There's been a constant struggle
'Twixt the woman and the man.
Women swear they'll have the piece
That from our belly hangs,
To fill the awful crack left when
The Lord ran out of whang.
So let us not be jealous, boys,
With that which women lack,
But lend that little piece of whang
To fill that awful crack.
[83]
THE PRICE
Some four years ago I made Phillis an offer,
Provided she would be my whore,
Of two thousand good crowns to put in her coffer,
And think I should have given her more.
About two years after a message she sent me,
She was for a thousand my own,
But unless for an hundred she now would content me,
I sent her word I would have none.
She fell to my price six or seven weeks after,
And then for an hundred would doe;
I then told her in vain she talk'd of the matter,
Than twenty no farther I'd goe.
T'other day for six ducatoons she was willing,
Which I thought a great deal too dear,
And told her unless it would come for two shilling
She must seek a chapman elsewhere.
This morning she's come, and would fain buckle gratis,
But she's grown so fulsome a whore,
That now methinks nothing a far dearer rate is
Than all that I offer'd before.
OUR GUDE WIFE'S SAE MODEST
Our gude wife's sae modest,
When she is set at meat,
A lavercock's leg, or a tittling's wing
Is mair than she can eat;
But, when she's in her bed at e'en,
Between me and the wa',
She is a glutton deevil,
She swallows cods and a'.
[84]
QUOTH HE
I'd have you, quoth he,
Would you have me, quoth she,
O where, sir?
In my chamber, quoth he,
In your chamber, quoth she,
Why there, sir?
To kiss you, quoth he,
To kiss me, quoth she,
Oh why, sir?
'Cause I love it, quoth he,
Do you love it, quoth she,
So do I, sir!
JOCK McLAREN'S BIRDIE
Jock McLaren was a Hielan' mon,
He hailed from Brook Murray;
He bought him a kilt o' the real McLaren
That na mair than covered his birdie.
The kilt with the weather began to shrink,
'Til it scarcely reached his heardie.
Then Jock was shocked one day to find
That na mair it covered his birdie.
To buy a new ane cost mony baubers,
And Jock couldna' wear his go'd one;
And to cut a piece off his birdie's head
Clearly was out of the question;
So he thought and he thought,
And he mair than thought
'Til a thought through his head came afartin':
He painted the tip of his birdie's head
And ye na could tell it from the tartan.
[85]
OYSTER NAN
As Oyster Nan stood by her tub,
To show her vicious inclination,
She gave her noblest parts a scrub
And sighed for want of couplation.
A vinter of no little fame,
Who good red and white can sell ye,
Beheld the dirty little dame
As she stood scratching of her belly.
"Come in," says he, "you silly slut,
'Tis now a rare convenient minute;
I'll lay the itching of your scut,
Unless there be a greedy devil in it."
With that the flat-cap hussy smiled,
And would have blushed, but could not;
"Alas!" says she, "we're soon beguiled,
By men to do the things we should not."
From door they went behind the bar,
As it's by common fame reported,
And there upon a kitchen chair,
Unseen, the loving couple sported.
But, being called by company
As he was taking pains to please her,
"I'm coming, coming, sir," says he;
"My dear, and so am I," says she, "sir."
Her mole-hill belly swelled about,
Into a mountain quickly after,
And when the pretty mouse crept out,
The creature caused a mighty laughter.
And now she has learned the pleasing game,
Altho' much pain and shame it cost her;
She daily ventures at the same
And shuts and opens like an oyster.
[86]
THERE WAS AN OLD MAN
There was an old man sitting on a rock,
Watching little boys playing with their —
Agates and marbles in Springtime of yore;
While over in the bushes they watched a fat-
Brunette young lady sitting in the grass;
When she rolled over you could see her shapely—
Shoes and stocking that fit like a duck,
She said she was learning a new way to—
Bring up her children and teach them to knit;
As over in the bushes they were taking a—
Little companion down to the docks,
And they said they would show him the length of their—
(If this is not poetry, what is it, by God! )
SKINNER
There was a young man named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner;
At half-past nine
They sat down to dine,
At half-past ten it was inner—
The dinner—not Skinner.
TO SPORTS
Here's to our sports,
May joy abide them;
The women and the horses,
And the men that ride them.
[87]
ALL BUT ONE
Oh! How well do I remember,
Those youthful days of joy and fun,
When all my bones were light and limber:
Did I say all? Yes! All but one!
But now those days are gone forever,
Those youthful days of joy and fun;
Now all my bones are stiff and tender:
Did I say all? Yes! All but one!
HARD MAN GOOD TO FIND
A Parody
A hard man is good to find,
The most are the other kind;
Just when you think he'd make a pal
You find he's more like a gal;
You may rave, and even crave
To have a man make you his slave,
So if your man is nice take my advice:
Hug him in the morning, kiss him every night,
Give him plenty loving, treat him right,
For a hard man nowadays is good to find.
THE BULL
Here's to the bull that roams the wood:
He does the cows and heifers good;
If it were not for his long, long rod
We'd not have any beef, by God!
[88]
CAROLINA IN THE MORNING
Nothing could be finer
Than to be with Carolina
In the morning;
That's the time that she is best,
When's she's had a little rest,
At dawning;
Then there's no one knocking
Around the old flat-door,
Gosh it used to make me sore.
You lie right there beside her,
Then climb right astride her
In the morning.
Her little buttercup
Starts to cuddle up and pucker up
At dawning.
Night time is the best,
Some people say,
But I'll take it in the morning
Or I'll play a matinee.
Nothing could be finer
Than to be on Carolina
In the morning.
♦
EVERY YEAR
I'm getting poorer and poorer
Every year,
I can see my finish, surer and surer,
Every year,
My wits are getting thicker
And I got less capacity for liquor
Every year.
The girls are getting sweeter,
Every year,
And there's more demand for Peter
Every year,
But mine it gets no bigger,
I'm getting slower on the trigger,
And I cut less and less figger
Every year.
[89]
STACKOLEE
Stackolee was a good man,
Everybody he did love;
The pimps and dames all swore by Stack,
By the everlasting stars above—
Poor old Stackolee!
What do you know about this,
And what do you know about that?
He shot old Billy Lyons
Over a damned old Stetson hat—
Poor old Stackolee!
That beef about the hat
Was just a bum excuse,
He just shot old Billy
For giving his whore abuse—
Poor old Stackolee!
They took him to the jail-house
And threw him in a cell,
And the whores and pimps went down
To bid poor Stack farewell—
Poor old Stackolee!
Judge Murphy rose for sentence,
His eyes were filled with tears;
He said, "I won't be hard on you, Stack,
I'll just give you ninety-nine years."
Poor old Stackolee!
Stack's gal was a good girl,
She was just as true as steel;
She said, "I'll get the dough for Stack;
On him I'll never squel."
Poor old Stackolee!
[90]
She "hustled" in the morning,
She "hustled" in the night;
She got so thin from "hustling"
She was an awful sight.
Poor old Stackolee!
Early one morning
Down by the railroad track
She "hustled" Bull Montana,
And he damn near broke her back
For poor old Stackolee!
One night it rained like hell,
She had an awful time;
She said, "I won't break Stack's luck,"
So she shook it for a dime
For poor old Stackolee!
One night there came a wireless
And everybody sighed,
It said, "At nine o'clock that night
The poor old pimp had died!"
Poor old Stackolee!
When old Stack's girl
Heard this awful news,
She was seated on the bed,
Pulling on her shoes;
Poor old Stackolee!
They had a rubber-tired hearse
And some rubber-tired hacks,
And then came a procession
Of about ten thousand macks
To the grace of Stackolee!
When they got to the graveyard,
And saw that awful hole,
Those pimps and whores fell on their knees
And cried "Lord, save our souls"
And poor old Stackolee!
[91]
I never heard so much talk,
I never heard so much gab;
One pimp pulled out a needle
And gave himself a jag,
At the grave of Stackolee!
Another pimp's yen came on;
I thought, by God, he'd choke—
He pulled out his pipe, lit his lamp,
And lay on his hip to smoke
Beside the grave of Stackolee!
Then Stacko's whore steps out,
She was a widow now;
She said "I don't want nothing else
But some yenshee gow."
For poor old Stackolee!
The Cocaine Lil steps out
And said "This ain't no dream;
I'll get some yenshee gow for you
If I have to cook by steam."
Poor old Stackolee!
An itchy-nosed pimp stood up,
Said "Folks, I ain't got much to say";
Pulled out a bindle and took a sniff,
Saying, "Good-bye, Dolly Gray,"
Beside the grave of Stackolee!
So poor old Stack is gone,
He's now in his last hole;
And the pimps and whores all say,
"Lord, have mercy on his soul."
That's the last of Stackolee!
[92]
THE DIABETIC DOG
A farmer's dog came into town,
His Christian name was Runt.
A noble pedigree had he,
Noblesse oblige his stunt.
And as he trotted down the street,
'Twas beautiful to see
His work at every corner and
His work at every tree.
He watered every gateway, too,
And never missed a post,
For piddling was his specialty
And piddling was his boast.
The city curs looked on amazed,
With deep and jealous rage,
To see a simple country dog
The piddler of the age.
Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned by a yell
To sniff the country stranger o'er,
And judge him by his smell.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Beneath his tail a rose;
So every city dog drew nigh
And sniffed it up his nose.
They smelled him over, one by one,
They smelled him two by two,
And noble Runt, in high disdain,
Stood still 'til they were through.
Then just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a dam',
He trotted to a grocery store
And piddled on a ham.
[93]
He piddled in a mackerel keg,
He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out,
He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true,
To start a piddling carnival
And see the stranger through.
They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town,
And started in, with many a wink,
To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers who
Were always on the go,
Who sometimes did a piddling stunt
Or gave a piddling show.
They sprung these on him suddenly
When midway in the town;
Runt only smiled, and polished off
The ablest, white and brown.
For Runt was with them every trick,
With vigor and with vim,
A thousand piddlers more or less
Were all the same to him.
So he was wetting merrily,
With hind leg kicking high,
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
And piddling mighty dry.
Then on and on Runt sought new grounds,
By piles of scrap and rust,
'Til every city dog went dry
And only piddled dust.
[94]
But ever on went noble Runt,
As wet as any rill,
And all the champion city pups
Were peed to a standstill.
Then Runt did freehand piddling,
With fancy flirts and flings,
Like double grip and gimlet twist,
And all that sort of thing.
And all the time this country dog
Did never wink nor grin,
But piddled blithely out of town
As he came piddling in.
Envoi:
The city dogs convention held
To ask "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
That Runt had diabetes.
♦
A PARADOX
When I see a man riding an ass,
This paradox comes to my mind:
Half of his ass is in front of his ass
And the whole of his ass is behind.
MARY'S LITTLE WATCH
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