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DEDICATION
To the healthy, the robust, the uninhibited. Men and women who find katharsis in
laughter. Who are mature enough or youthful enough to admit there are such words as shit and
fuck.
J.M.H.
"There you is, you little ol' money maker."
(See Page 21)
ANECDOTA AMERICANA
AN ANTHOLOGY
OF
TALES IN THE VERNACULAR EDITED WITHOUT EXPURGATION
BY J. MORTIMER HALL, Ph.D.
SECOND SERIES
500 MORE
With 37 Illustrations
HUMPHREY ADAMS BOSTON 1934
FOREWORD
More than six years have passed since the first volume of these anecdotes appeared. Spurred on by the depression, prohibitions are being repealed, taboos and censorships lifted. The middle-class ideology
against which Mencken and I tilted so valiantly is now as far away from us as the Mauve Decade. Ulysess is about to be passed from the book leggers to the book lovers. Joyce, D. H. Lawrence, Erskine Caldwell, Sherwood Anderson, Faulkner, Hemingway
and others have prepared the way for an acceptance of the good old earthy realities.
The anecdotes herewith presented are part and parcel of the current folk-lore of America. They are an authentic source of American proletarian art. No excuse is needed or offered in passing them on to the reading public.
The stories are printed as they are told by word-of-mouth. If the gentle reader still burdened with Victorian hangovers finds some of them difficult to stomach, it might be well for him to strengthen his digestion. We are proud to give him the opportunity of doing so:
J. M. H.
These tall tales, as a token of everlasting friendship, to my college chum Jim.
J. M. H.
1
A man, on entering a whore house, was surprised to find a large NRA sign, prominently displayed. He asked the madam the meaning of this patriotic gesture. She replied, "No Rubbers Allowed. We Douche Our Parts."
2
A husband and wife decided that they would make this a sensible Christmas. They talked over what they each wanted and decided to give the desired objects as presents. The wife wished a diamond bracelet and the husband a platinum wrist-watch.
On Christmas morning the wife looked under the tree only to find a large package
for herself, containing a silk dress. She was furious and threw the dress on the floor wiping her feet on it.
Then the husband came in, and he also found a large package awaiting him. He opened it to find a pair of pants, which he threw upon the tree in a fit of anger.
That afternoon as they were having Christmas dinner, the wife found in front of her place at the table, a small box containing the desired bracelet. The husband likewise found a package at his place containing the wrist-watch. They were very happy, so he picked up her dress and she pulled down his pants and they had a Merry Christmas.
6 ANECDOTA
3
Fairy town, Fairy town,
Some go up, but they all go down,
The chief of police is queer,
Whoops my dear,
Horsecock!
The battle-ship Texas is in town,
Lots of brown, lots of brown,
Holy be Jesus,
They're all on their kneeses,
In fairy town!
4
A fairy emerged from a dark hall-way where he had just had his way with a sailor. He was tripping
hurriedly down the street, when a boon companion blocked his way and slapped him vigorously on the back. Our pansyfied friend turned petulantly on his colleague:
"You horrible thing, you should never have done that. I was bringing some
nourishment to a sick friend and you've made me swallow it"
5
As this same fag proceeded down the street he was accosted by another member of the nance fraternity, who asked, "Where did you get that simply devine new overcoat?"
"Browning King's, dear."
"I didn't ask you how, I asked you where."
6
A little further on, still another lisper lisped, "Oh my dear Bunny, where did
you acquire that enchanting pearl tie-pin?"
Bunny looked down at the pearl in surprise, caught it up on his finger and gracefully licked it into his mouth.
"Oh, that's not a tie-pin," he said, "Just carelessness, my dear."
AMERICANA 7
7
Bunny was unfortunate enough to be arrested for sucking a cock. At the trial, the judge, who was of French descent, asked that the evidence of the crime be produced before the court.
The arresting officer looked puzzled and asked, "How can I show evidence, your honor? He swallowed it."
8
In a jubilant mood, Bunny took the street car for home. A fellow sitting beside
him, nudged him slyly and whispered, "Some beautiful pair of legs on that dame opposite, eh buddy?"
"Yes," said Bunny, "but look at the beautiful ass on that motorman."
9
Saint Peter, according to an Affiliated Press dispatch from the Hereafter, was roused from a doze by the approach of a kindly but somewhat pompous gentleman. Peter, after ascertaining the name of the gentleman, asked what his occupation might have been on earth.
"I am a psycho-analyst," was the reply.
"What's that?" asked Peter.
"A psycho-analyst," explained the newcomer, "helps maladjusted people to get
adjusted, resolves complexes, restores mental health and emotional equilibrium, removes delusions of grandeur."
Peter regarded him dubiously. "You say you remove delusions of grandeur?"
"We endeavor to," said the analyst, somewhat more modestly. "Sometimes we succeed."
"By all means come in, God thinks He's Hitler and wants to lick the hole of France."
10
A Philadelphia and a New York whore were talking shop and the Philadelphia girl asked, "How is business in New York these days?"
"Business is pretty bad. Why a girl is lucky if she can get a dollar for a lay."
"I should call that pretty good business. Why in Philadelphia we're sucking pricks for food."
8 ANECDOTA
11
A seafaring man, having acquired a buxom wife, quit his ship and decided to settle down. The only reminder of his boisterous days on the rolling main was a foul-mouthed parrot, to which he had become attached.
As the months passed, however, his wife complained so often of the bird's swearing, that, in order to maintain peace in the family, he cut its throat and threw it into the toilet.
A little while later, his wife, who was unwell, went to the bathroom to fulfill one of nature's calls. She had been in the cabinet only a few minutes when the sailor heard a piercing cry.
Rushing into the W.C., he heard a voice issue from the depths of the china bowl: "If anybody can have a cut like that and still be alive, then I guess I can live too!"
12
For some time Mrs. Smith had been planning a picnic for her dear little children. The day before the event she was busy making elaborate preparations.
"Mamma." cried little Willie from upstairs, "Jane has locked herself in the bath-room, and the boarder can't get in to take a shit."
"Alright," said mamma, "Jane can't go to the picnic."
"Mamma" called Johnnie, "Edith pissed in the bread box and is floating paper boats in it."
"For that Edith can't go to the picnic either."
"Mamma." cried Eddie, "Willie has his finger up Edith's cunt and Johnnie just shit in the sandwich basket."
"God damn it, there'll be no bloody picnic," said mamma.
13
The shortest bedtime story: "No."
14
A little girl was in the habit of buying chocolate nigger babies every day at the local candy store. The clerk inquired of her one day why she always wished little boy candies.
"Because," she answered. "I get more that way."
AMERICANA 9
15
Kotex theme song: "I cover the waterfront."
16
A country boy came to the big city and noticing all the billiard parlors around
town, decided they were drinking establishments. He came to a real saloon, and
trying to look very sophisticated, entered and said to the bartender of the crowded establishment, "Give me a large billiard."
The bartender winked at some of the other customers, took a glass, went into the back room and pissed in it. He handed it to the stranger, who blew the foam off the top, and drank the entire contents in one gulp. He then turned to the fellow standing next to him and said, "You know, if it wasn't for the fact that I've been drinking billiards for years, I would have sworn that was piss."
17
The very ritzy Mrs. Goldenwasser had a little daughter, Sylvia, who was in the habit of saying "I wish to pee-pee." when she wanted to go to the toilet.
Mrs. G. considered this very unrefined and decided to break her daughter of the habit. She was planning a swanky bridge party next day for the ladies of the local chapter of the B'Nai Brith and was particularly anxious to impress the members.
After diligent rehearsing, she finally taught Sylvia to wave her hand in front of her face when she wished to make pee-pee.
At the party the next day all went well until the pastrami sandwiches and other delicacies were served. Just as Mrs. G. was urging the elegant Mrs. Fleishenheimer to partake of a lox sandwich on rye bread, little Sylvia ran into the room frantically waving her hand in front of her face.
"All right dear, I understand," said Mrs. G. "You can run along."
"But mamma," said Sylvia loudly, continuing to wave her hand. "Shit too!"
10 ANECDOTA
18
There was a terrible commotion in front of a Parisian Hotel. A man in one of the rooms had been screaming blue murder for an hour. A large crowd had gathered and finally the Gendarmerie arrived on the scene and rushed up to the man's room. They broke down the door and found him sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching his prick for dear life.
"What is the matter," they asked.
"I weel tell you the story from the beginning. Last night I go to the Opera. In the lobby ees a beautiful woman, such beauty as you have never seen before gentlemen, believe me. She flirt wiz me and we go to Zelli's. You know Zelli's, gentlemen, zee highest price night club in all of Paree. We drink champagne all night and I spend one, two, three thousand francs. Zen she ask weel I take her to the hotel George V. Gentlemen, you know the Hotel George V, zee most expensive hotel in all of Paree. I pay a thousand francs for zee royal suite for zee night. Zen zees beautiful woman she take off all her clothes.
"Mon Dieu, gentlemen, nevair have you seen such a body. Breasts like zee top of zee cafe Du Dome, gentlemen, and a cunt more magnificent than the Arc De Triomph. Zen she stretch out on ze bed and ask me to please come and fuck her.
"And what do you think this little bastard do, gentlemen? Zis little bastard weel not get zee hard on. She play wit' heem and suck heem and stroke heem in the gentlest manner, but gentlemen he weel not get zee erection.
"But now I get even on heem, gentlemen, now I get even on heem. He wishes to pee for zee last hour and I won't let heem."
19
Two cockneys were chatting on diverse subjects, when Alf turns to 'Arry and says.
" 'Ave you ever taysted 'orse-piss, 'Arry?"
"Cahn't say that I 'ave, Alf," replied his friend.
"Well," returned 'Arry consolingly, "You ayn't missed much!"
AMERICANA 11
20
Rosenberg had made a lot of money and he thought, "Vat goot is haffing money if you can't show your frands you got it?"
So he bought a magnificent home and furnished it without thinking of the expense. Everything in the house was the latest and best and every time he'd meet an old friend he'd take him up to see his wonderful home.
One day he met his old friend Cohen, whom he knew when he was on the lower East side in the pushcart business, and whom he now took up to see his house.
"Und dis, Cohen, is mine modern bath room," he was telling his friend. "Dis bath tub is made of the finest cut glass. Und dese shelves, they are all pure rose vood, mind you, pure rose vood."
"Vat I vant to see," said Cohen. "Iss dis preheated toilet you got in your place. Vere iss it?"
"Pre-heated toilet? Who told you I got a preheated toilet?"
"I mat Ginsboig de odder day, and he told me you got a pre-heated toilet here."
"Vy dat sonaffabitch Ginsboig, he's de vone vat shit in my fireless cooker."
21
"Mandy, Ise known you all for a long time. Don' you think it's 'bout time you let me put mah tool into you?"
"Alright, Sam, you come out into the alley an' we'll get togedder."
They went out to the alley and when she saw the size of Sam's tool she moaned and said, "Man ah could never take that tool in me, it's much too large."
"Dat ain't no reason fo' lettin' it drop in the mud, woman."
22
Slogan of Hitler Party "It's Nazi but it's nice."
23
Mandy was before a court of justice because her husband had died at the crucial moment when they were fucking one night.
"Jedge," said Mandy, "Ah couldn't help it. When Ah thought that man was comin' he sure was goin'."
12 ANECDOTA
24
A young priest was hearing the confession of a man who said his besetting sin
was sucking cocks. It was the cleric's first encounter with this particular
sexual activity, and he was at a loss for the proper penance to impose. After
some cogitation he excused himself for a moment and sought another priest, to whom he related the confession he had just heard.
"I don't know what to give him," he concluded.
"Oh,' said the older priest, "give him a dollar or so if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than 50 cents."
25
Two sparrows flying over Germany. Suddenly Hitler appears on the steps of the
Reich. "Well," said one sparrow to the other. "What are you waiting for?"
26
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Kelly had had a terrible argument across the alley that separated their flats. Mrs. Murphy lost her temper and stuck her big fat bare ass out of the window at Mrs. Kelly. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Kelly did the same and both women remained in this position until finally Mr. Murphy came home from work.
"What in hell do you call this Maggie? Shure and I'm coming from me days work hungry an tired and here you be with yer ass a sticking out of the window."
"Yes, and here it is I'll stay until Mrs. Kelly takes her ass in first."
"Well I think it's right you are, but let me stick my ass out while yuo're gettin' me supper, she won't know the difference."
So Mr. Murphy took down his pants and stuck his ass out the window.
Soon Mr. Kelly came home from work hungry and tired. He received the same answer from his wife, as had Murphy.
"Well darlin'," said he, "I'm very hungry and tired, but you might as well stick it out now, for I'm shure she won't last long, her guts is already hanging down about eight inches from her ass-hole."
AMERICANA 13
"Her guts is already hanging down."
14 ANECDOTA
27
After a strenuous meeting of Brown-shirts the night before, Adolph Hitler awoke
in the morning with a terrible pain in his prick, and, on closer examination found a peculiar spot on the head.
He consulted his private physician, who like himself had been a house-painter before he had come into the power of Germany.
"Ah Adolph," said the physician, "What a beautiful instrument you have there, but I think the trouble with you is just a little bit of clap."
This explanation did not satisfy Adolph, who called the doctor a dirty Jew and sent him away.
He next consulted the finest specialist in all Germany, who had been a beer dispenser before Herr Hitler bestowed that title on him.
"Ah Adolph," said he, "never before has your tool looked so magnificent, but I believe you have just a bit of a shanker on the head."
Adolph sent him away in disgust, calling him a normal son-of-a-bitch and
summoned the chef whose name was Cohen, and who had been a world famous venereal
specialist before the Hitler regime.
"Herr Hitler," said he, "I must admit that you have a very beautiful piece of meat and I should like very much to taste of it."
Being granted this favor by the almighty Adolph, the chef said, "Herr Hitler, it tastes like there might be a bit of shit on the end of your prick."
Herr Hitler sighed, and thinking of the important meeting of the night before said, "It's very possible, very possible."
28
A Pennsylvania coal miner was coaxing his wife, "Come on, Nell, how's about it for a lay tonight?"
"Can't John," she answered, "Me cunt is in no condition for fucking tonight."
"How about a piece of ass then?" said he, not being easily discouraged.
"Be Jesus Christ, you men. First you much up me fuck hole and now you wants to fuck up me muck hole."
AMERICANA 15
29
He had been concealing the fact that he had a wooden leg from his bride to be, for a long time. "Honey," he would say to her, "The night that we are married I have a big surprise for you."
Finally that eventful night came and still he had been unable to break the news to the bride. When they were about to go to bed he said, "Darling, let's put out the light before we undress." When the light was out she said, "Don't forget darling, you promised me a big surprise tonight."
He had taken off the wooden leg and taking her hand put it on the stump.
"Mmmm," she said, "that is a big surprise, but get the vaseline and I'll see if I can take it."
30
Suggested slogan for Kotex:
"Next to the best thing in the world."
31
A man made a wager with a bar-tender that he could guess the make and year and vintage of every drink in the house. If he guessed them all correctly, they were to be free of charge. But if he missed once, he was to pay for all he had consumed.
He started off with a white liquid, tasted it, rolled it around his tongue for a moment and said, "That's Gordon's Gin, bottled in 1918."
"That's right!" said the bar-tender. "Now try this." and he handed the man another drink. He repeated the process and said, "That's Mumm's Champagne, of the year 1921."
He was right again and was then given a drink of brandy, which he guessed was Martell's 1905.
The bar-tender, beginning to be worried by the loss of profits he would have to make up out of his own pocket, called some of the boys at the bar together and they stepped into the back room for a minute, returning with a glass of yellow liquid. The man gulped it, rolled it around a bit, swallowed it and said, "Gentlemen, that's piss."
"We know it's piss," said the bar-tender. "But whose is it?"
16 ANECDOTA
32
He had a plantation in South America where two hundred and fifty native women were employed. Things were going smoothly, until one day the women came to him
en masse and demanded that he get a man for them. They didn't care where or what kind of a man, but they must have a man or they would all go on strike.
He had tried all over South America to get a suitable man to do the job, but to no avail. Next he came to the United States and after searching all over the country, finally saw in Tennesee
a man who could probably meet the requirements.
Sambo, as the man was called, was a big six-foot-two buck nigger, with perhaps the largest prick in the United States and the reputation of being able to fuck more times in a night than any other nigger in the South.
"Sambo," he was asked, "How would you like to earn a hundred dollars?"
"Ah sure would, man. What doin' ?"
"It's the sort of job I think you'll like. Take a trip with me to South America, fuck every woman on my plantation and I'll pay your fare back to Tennesee and give you one hundred dollars besides."
"How many women yo' all got on that plantation o' yourn?"
"Only two hundred and fifty, Sambo."
"How long it take to get to that there South America?"
"Oh, the trip should take about fifteen days."
Sambo seemed to be figuring something out very seriously, and, after pondering for about ten minutes he asked. "How many times yo' all want me to fuck each woman?"
"Three or four times each Sambo, three or four times each."
"No sir, Ah cain't do it. Ah ain't goin' travel all that distance fo' half an hours work, nohow."
33
Girls who frequent picture palluces
Have no use for psycho-analysus;
They can't be annoyed
By fellows like Freud
But stick to their old fashioned phallices.
AMERICANA 17
34
Miss Pauline Smith moved to a small town where the post office was in a general store owned by a Jew.
Every day she would go in the store to inquire for a letter she was expecting.
"Good morning, Miss Pauline," the proprietor would say, "Sorry dere ain't no mail for you today, Miss Pauline."
This went on for about a week and one day she said, "Are you sure there's no mail for me? I'm expecting a very urgent letter. Would you look under the name of Smith and make sure?"
"Oy, oy oy,
so Smith is your name. All this time I've been looking in de P hole and now I'll haff to start looking in de S hole."
35
Heard in a Greenwich Village restaurant. . .
"I hear the authorities are going to collect all the women in the city, put them in the Holland Tunnel and seal the ends."
"Goody, Goody," from one of the patrons. "Then all the men will have to use the ferries."
36
John came home from the coal mines looking very sad and dejected one evening.
"What's the matter, John?" asked Nell. "You look as though your prick might have been cut off."
"No Nell," said he. "But it's almost as bad as that, I've lost me job at the mines."
"Oh, Johnnie, that's too bad. But come out on the front porch, I have something to show you."
They went out on the front porch and she said, "You see those four houses, John, they all belong to us."
John looked at her incredibly, and asked, "But how did you do it Nellie, how in hell did you get all those houses?"
"Well, you see John, every time you threw a fuck into me, I put a penny in the bank and saved enough to buy the four houses."
"Gee, honey," said he, "you're a wonderful wife."
"Yes, but you're not a wonderful husband, for if you'd a been true to me we could a had the saloon on the corner to boot."
18 ANECDOTA
37
The Georgia Jennings, as they were known all through the south, sat around the roaring fire in the drawing room having their after dinner brandy and coffee. A grand old family with a grand old name in the grand old mansion which had been in the family for generations. They were justly proud of the prestige which they had maintained during these years, proud of the money they had accumulated in the family, and above all, proud of the name of Jennings, which any one of them would have defended with his life. Colonel Jennings, who was a typical example of the southern gentleman with fine white beard, a frock coat that his grandfather had worn during the Civil War and a gold chain strung across his waistcoat that his fore-fathers had taken from the neck of an African slave, (not without cutting the fellows head completely off, as the Colonel bragged) was addressing the gathering in a slow monotonous quiet voice, as is the habit of all southern gentlemen. "Rosa-Belle," said he to his daughter, "You are a much better fuck than your old mammy here."
"That's what brother Stephen always told me, dad." answered Rosa-Belle.
"But, dad," put in Stephen. "Rosa-Belle tells me that Uncle George sucks a cunt with much more gusto than you do, and I know for a fact that mother is a much better ass-hole sucker than Rosa-Belle."
And they all drank a toast to the name of Jennings.
38
Two stately southern colonels alighted from a train at Birmingham. Their white beards blew in the wind as they accumulated their baggage and tipped the porter handsomely.
Asked one of the other, "Well, Stephen, shall we check in at a hotel, or shall we go directly to the whore-house?"
39
There was the man who boasted he could fuck seventy times a night, once in bed and sixty-nine on the floor.
AMERICANA 19
40
Stock-market tip: United Fruit stock is the best buy of the season. Insiders say it may go to 500. They've developed a banana that pulsates!
41
"Oh John," said Mary, "I don't mind you having your finger up my cunt, but your ring is hurting me."
"Why I'm not wearing a ring Mary, that's my wrist-watch."
42
Little Willie was jerking-off up in a tree, when a kindly old lady came along
and advised him. "Little boy, you shouldn't do that. Don't you know that every time you come it might be a president, or a great baseball player, or an actor, or a great aviator?"
Just then Little Willie came off, and as the come dripped from branch to branch and landed gracefully at the ladies feet, he said. "Holy Christ, lady, I guess you're right, there goes an acrobat."
43
Mike went to the doctor, who examined him and told him to return the following day with a specimen of his urine.
"What's urine?" asked Mike of the doctor, who explained the meaning of the word to him.
Mike left the office, smiling with pride at the knowledge he had gained that day.
The following day, however, he came into the doctor's office with a black eye, a bloody nose and the shirt torn off his back.
"Another one of your Irish brawls," said the doctor. "Well, what's happened to you this time?"
"I was comin' down the street with me little bottle, sayin' nothin' to nobody, when along comes O'Reilly. 'What's that you got in that little bottle,' he says to me. 'That's urine,' says I. 'What?' says he. 'Piss,' says I. 'Shit,' says he. 'Fuck,' says I, and the fight was on."
44 Hitler the dick-taster of Germany.
20 ANECDOTA
45
A lesbian, alighting from a taxi-cab, in front of
the Civic Repertory Theatre, neglected to tip the driver. He insulted her by calling her a cheap little cunt-lapper. She picked up the crank handle, hit him over the head with it and then kicked him around the street until he lay there unconscious in a pool of blood.
Eva Le Gallienne,
who had witnessed the scene, came over to the other lesbian and said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. It's your kind who are giving us girls a bad name."
46
Three fairies were spending a quiet afternoon at home. During an intermission the first two told the third he ought to do something about the goiter on his neck. He promptly supplied himself with knitting needles and yarn and started to knit baby clothes.
That night while the first two argued over the possession of a mounted policeman, the resourceful and imaginative third disappeared with the cop's horse.
When he got back the horse balked at going with the cop.
The next day before taking up his knitting the fairy went out and purchased a pony's saddle.
47
"Judge, I want a divorce from this man, his penis is so small that I get no pleasure from him."
"That's not so, your honor." said the husband. "It's because her vagina is so large that she gets no pleasure from me."
The judge granted the divorce and as they were leaving the court room the ex-wife waved the pinky of her right hand at the ex-husband and said, "Goodbye, dear."
He put both index fingers in his mouth, one on each side, stretched his mouth as large as possible and said, "Goodbye, you dirty bitch."
AMERICANA 21
48
"Yo all should make that man of yourn pay you when he sleeps wit you." Mandy was advising Liza.
"Why should he pay me when I gets just as much fun out of it as he do." said Liza.
"Well, you all foolish woman, my man he pay me every time we fucks togeder."
Liza thought this proposition over seriously, and when big six-foot Sambo came to her room the following Saturday night, she said to him. "Look you here nigger, I wants to be paid if yo all goin' to have monkey business wit me tonight."
"Why Liza, I done never paid you before. I thought you liked it."
"I likes it well enough, Sambo, but I wants to be paid just the same."
"How much you wants then woman, how much you wants?"
"You just gives me what you think I worth an that ought to be plenty."
So they went to bed, and Sambo, knowing there was money involved, fucked furiously as the beating rain outside
and almost as often as the drops fell rhythmically on the roof.
When Liza woke in the morning, Sam had already left and on the table next to the bed was a nice new shiny dime.
Liza was happy with the world as she walked down the main street on the way to church, humming to herself and smiling from ear to ear. The sun was shining making mirrors of the puddles that remained from the rain of the night before. Liza, stepping off the curbstone
had to spread her legs widely and looking down, saw the reflection of her pussy
in one of the puddles. She playfully pointed her finger at the reflection and said, "There you is, you little ol' moneymaker."
49
A Scotchman went into a whore house and said he could spend no more than three dollars. After much begging and coaxing, one of the girls induced him to spend five. He took her upstairs and began to fuck her in the navel.
"That's not the place," she said, "my hole is further down."
"For five dollars," he answered, "I want a hole of my own."
22 ANECDOTA
50
Meg meets Mym on the streets of London and says. "I sye, Mym, does you know 'Arry Brown?"
"Does I know 'Arry Brown! Took meself off to a pub the other night and orders meself a mug of ile. Along comes 'Arry Brown, tikes me mug of ile and drinks it, tikes me in 'is arms and kisses me, 'e ups me and 'e downs me, wipes 'is cock on me petticoat and goes off singing, 'Britains Never Will Be Slives.' Does I know 'Arry Brown!"
51
"I say, Tommy." Asked one English soldier of another, while in the trenches. "What is this transmigration of souls I've been 'earin' so much about?"
"Well Bill, you see it's like this: A German shell comes along and blows your bloody 'ead off. By the time the war is over you're covered with mud and dirt. First thing you know you springs up in the form of a daisy and a cow comes along, eats you up and shits you out again. Then I comes strollin' through the field, with Marge on me arm, I sees this cow flop and I taps it with me walkin' stick and says, "Hullo Bill ol' boy, why you ain't chinged
a bit."
52
She was by far the best girl in the whore-house. Often she would pick up twenty, sometimes forty men in a night, walk-up the two flights of stairs to her little room and be better paid than any other girl in the brothel. Consequently, the madam was greatly surprised when she tendered her resignation.
"Honey, why are you quitting?" asked the madam. "At the rate you're going you'll be able to retire in a year or two and settle down to a happy married life."
"I know madam," answered the whore. "But I can't go on this way. I'm all worn out and can't stand it any longer."
"I know how it is, my dear, but why don't you take it a little easy. Cut it down and only take on about ten men a night for a while."
"It ain't the men that bother me madam. It's those stairs that are killing me."
AMERICANA 23
53
Murphy ran into the doctor's office and Jesus his prick was scratched up to beat old hell. The doctor bandaged him up properly and asked, "Where the hell have you been Murphy?"
"I've been up in Hogan's alley." said Murphy and left.
Next came Riley and bejesus, he was in a worse condition than Murphy. Not only his prick but his balls were scratched and bleeding. The doctor fixed him up and asked. "Where have you been to get scratched up this way, Riley?"
"Shure, and I've been up in Hogan's alley, doctor."
No sooner had he left when in walked Kelly in a worse condition than his two predecessors. His belly, prick and balls were terribly scarred and clawed. After fixing him up the doctor asked him the same question to which he replied, "I've been up in Hogan's alley, Doc. and it's the last time I'll ever go there."
Some time passed when a fourth Irishman walked in, but instead of his prick, his
ass-hole and the vicinity were frightfully clawed and bleeding.
"What's your name?" asked the doctor, after treating him.
"Shure
Doc," he answered, "Me name is Hogan."
54
"Jack, you've always told me how much you like three way broads. Well, I've just discovered a four way broad down at the new whore house."
"What is the fourth way?" asked Jack.
"She lets you go down on her." was the reply.
55
The school teacher had gas on her stomach very badly, and, to save herself the embarrassment of being heard every time she farted, she would shout, "Hurrah for America!" and as the children hurrahed, their noise would drown the sound of the fart.
When she came in one morning, the class was in an uproar. On inquiring the meaning of the noise she was told that little Johnnie shouted, "Hurrah for Cuba," by mistake, and had shit in his pants in the silence that followed.
24 ANECDOTA
56
An old millionaire proposed marriage to a young and beautiful show-girl. "I am a very passionate woman," she said, "and will only marry you if you. draw up a contract promising to fuck me three times every night for a year. If you fail to do this and break the contract, you forfeit one hundred thousand dollars."
The contract was drawn up and they were married.
The millionaire lived up to the agreement for six months, and then, feeling he was about to weaken, went to a doctor for advice. The only thing the doctor could advise was that he soak his prick in extra heavy cream after each fuck, and that would give it new vigor.
The show girl, much surprised to find her husband holding up this long, peeked through the key-hole one night as he was soaking his prick in preparation for the next fuck.
"The son-of-a-bitch," she said. "So that's how he does it. He has a self filler, the old bastard."
57
Mandy had a terrific hangover when she walked * into the Harlem Drug Store one Sunday morning and asked for a bottle of gin.
"Madam," said the drug clerk politely, "there are three kinds of gin. Gordon's Gin, High and Dry Gin and ordinary every day nigger gin. Which brand do you wish?"
"Man," answered Mandy, "there are three kinds of turd. There's a musturd and there's dog turd and you, you big shit, give me ordinary every day nigger gin."
58
A railroad train had rudely interrupted the amorous dalliance of Sam and Mandy, both of whom escaped with their lives but with bruises and broken bones. Mandy was suing the company for damages.
"Tell the court," directed her attorney, "just what happened."
"Well, yo'
honor," Mandy responded. "yo' see it was like this: I was comin', an' Sam was comin', an' the train was comin', an' none of us could stop!"
AMERICANA 25
"None of us could stop!"
26 ANECDOTA
59
Mandy was in court, accused of felonious assault upon the person of Sambo. Sambo, swathed in bandages and hobbling on crutches, looked as if he had picked a quarrel with a rock-crusher. Mandy, he testified, with no provocation whatever, had beaten him unmercifully with a flatiron. The court asked Mandy for her version.
"It was this way, judge your honor," she said. "I was doin' an ironin' an' mindin' my business when this nigger buck comes along. It was a hot day an' I didn't have on nuthin' but my wrapper. He starts fussin' with me, an' I says 'Go 'long an' leave me be.' But he doan pay no 'tention, judge. He just keeps feelin' of me. I tells him again to get along about his business, but he just keeps right on foolin' with me. And, well, judge, you know how it is. I'm just human, judge, and finally he got me all hot an' bothered. I pulled up my wrapper, plumb excited an', judge, he wa'nt ready! He wa'nt no mo' ready'n you is this minute, judge!"
60
A fairy and a truck-driver entered a restaurant at the same time. The fairy ordered a cream puff and some milk, while the truck-driver ordered beefstew. Seeing the fairy served before himself the truck-driver became angry and cursed the counterman saying, "Why the hell should this god damned queen be waited on before a real he-man like me?"
"Well," said the fairy, "If you wish, you may share my cream-puff and milk."
"Why I'd eat shit or suck a clapped up prick before I'd eat that stuff." said the truck-driver with a growl.
"Well who wouldn't?" answered the pansy.
61
"What fo' dey call 'em nuns?" demanded Rastus.
" 'Cause," replied Mose, "dey ain't got none, dey nevah had none, an' dey ain't nevah goin' to have none."
"No wundah dey wears mournin'
", commented Rastus.
AMERICANA 27
62
Antonio Martinelli wanted to start his daughter and son off right in the world, so he gave them each fifty dollars when they went out to earn their own living.
Every year there was a family re-union of the Martinelli's, and, every year Gloria looked more prosperous, while the son, Frankie, stayed in about the same position with his organ and monkey.
At one of these re-unions, the father was led to inquire of Frankie, "How is ita, Gloria she macka alla da money and you stay a da same way?"
"Well you see Pop; Sis got da cunt, I got da monk: nobody fucka da monk."
63
Two young girls were hired to take care of the rectory library. While looking for a book one day, a priest came under the ladder upon which one of the girls was standing putting books in order. He glanced up and seeing the girl without drawers, said, "Here, my good girl, take this two dollars and go out and buy yourself some drawers."
She ran to the other girl, who, after having heard what happened, took off her drawers and got up the ladder under which the priest stood. He glanced up and said, "Here, my dear girl, is a quarter, go out and get yourself a shave."
64
A negro, complaining that he broke through all the different varieties of condrums which the drug clerk had sold him, followed the clerks advice and used two condrums at the same time. The two were no more effective than one had been. On successive nights he came through three, four, and five protectors, worn simultaneously. Determined to stem his virility, he finally adjusted six rain-coats on his tool and went to work. The next day the clerk inquired solicitously, if the six had done the job.
"I'se decided to have a baby. The damn thing back-fired and almost blew mah balls off."
28 ANECDOTA
65
Silas and Hiram, two New England farmers, met one day on the road.
"Hi," said Silas, "I hate to tell yuh, but I don't think your wife is true to yuh."
"Howcum?" demanded Hiram.
"Well, yesttiday," said Silas, "I wuz passin' your place, an' I see that new hired man go into the kitchen an' begin talkin' to your wife, confidential like."
"Yes," said Hiram, nervously. "What then?"
"Well, then they sort o' laughed, an' went into the front room."
"Yes," said Hiram. "What then?"
"Then," said Silas, "I'd got past the kitchen, an' from where I wuz walkin' I could see 'em start upstairs."
"Yes," said Hiram, "an' what then?"
"Well," said Silas, "it 'peared to me like 1 ought to sort o' see what wuz goin' on, so I shinnied up the porch post to the bedroom window. They come into the bedroom an' he began kissin' her."
"Yes," said Hiram, "an' what then?"
"Well, then," said Silas, "they got onto the bed an' began huggin' an' cuddlin' up to each other."
"Yes, yes," said Hiram, "an' what did they do then?"
"Well," said Silas, "I cain't 'xactly rightly tell. Just about that time I had my pleasure an' fell off the roof."
66
"Noo Bernie, you're looking very prosperous dese days. Vat you doing for a leeving?" asked Jake of his friend, who he had not seen in years.
"Vell Jake, ven I saw you last time I had nothing, so I borrowed a hundred dollars from Greenspan, bought a horse and now I'm doink fine in de manure business."
"It's a good idea, Bernie, I tink I'll try it myseluf."
They met again about a year later and Bernie asked, "Noo Jake, deed you buy horses and go in de manure business?"
"I deed, Bernie, but it vas no goot."
"Vat vas de matter?"
"Vell, I bought three horses. Effery day I geeve dem oats and hay, and effery night I go into de stable and all dey do iss fart like dis, foof, foof. You know Bernie, a man can't leeve on promises."
AMERICANA 29
67
Do you know the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a rabbi, and a chorus girl.
A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, and a chorus girl is a penis bender.
68
A minister, while visiting a lunatic asylum, came to the cell of the patient reputed to be the most unusual in the hospital.
"Why are you in here?" he asked.
"There is really no reason, sir, I was railroaded here, and the way I'm persecuted is simply dreadful, dreadful," he replied. "Why, they follow me around from morn till night erasing."
"Erasing?" asked the minister. "What do you mean erasing?"
"Well, you see sir it's like this. I have a piece of white chalk and a piece of black chalk and everytime I write on the wall with the white chalk they immediately erase it with a black eraser, and when I write with the black chalk they erase it with a white eraser. But I'll fool them yet, in fact I'm ahead of them at the moment. I have a shit and a fuck on the white wall, the picture of a prick on the black wall and I just scribbled cunt on your collar."
69
Sambo had just met Liza at a dance that evening and after much coaxing, she acquiesced to let him walk her home.
Sambo was feeling exceptionally romantic on this Spring night and as they strolled along the cow path, he sighed and said, "Some moon, eh honey."
"Yeah Sam, some moon."
He walked to the side of the path where some wild roses were blooming, and said, "Some roses, eh honey."
"Yeah Sam," she answered. "Some roses."
The dew was shining like diamonds on the grass and Sam was led to remark, "Some dew, eh honey."
"Yeah, some do nigger, but Ah don't. Be on your way."
30 ANECDOTA
70
A wealthy fairy checked in at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. He noticed that bellboy
number 7, was particularly fat and handsome and summoned him to his room that night.
"Did you ever drink champagne?" he asked the boy.
"No sir."
"Would you like to try it?"
"Yes sir. I sure would."
"Well you go out and get a few quarts and we'll drink it together."
The boy did as he was bid and they drank champagne until he passed out on the bed. The fairy then took his pants down and gave him the works in the ass.
The following day number 7 asked one of the other boys on the bench, "Did you ever drink champagne, Jack?"
"Yes, I've drunk it many times. Have you?"
"Yes, I drank lots of it last night."
"Do you like it?"
"I like it well enough, but it sure does make your ass-hole hurt the next day," answered number 7.
71 Little Willie asked his gray haired old Grandma,
"Grandma, will you tell me a story tonight?"
"Yes surely," said grandma laying aside her knitting. "Come, climb on grandma's knee and she will tell you a story.
"Once upon a time there were two fairies and they were sucking one anothers cocks for all they were worth."
"Aw shit, grandma," said Willie, "All your fucking stories begin that way."
72
An Indian Chief, returning to his squaw after having been in New York for some time and gotten a taste of metropolitan women, was heard to remark from his tent when they retired that night, "Nice big cigar, smokum, no chewum."
73
Quite a party was going on. After the tenth drink or thereabouts everybody was feeling Rosy. Rosy got sore and went home.
AMERICANA 31
74
As taxicab service was only necessary from the station to the hotel, there were only two cabs in this small town, one black and one red.
For some unknown reason the red taxi got all of the business. Whether the black taxi was in front or not, people favored the red.
Loosing his temper one afternoon, as a fairy started to enter the red cab, the driver of the black taxi put his car in gear and pushed the red car ahead, thereby getting the fairy for a customer.
With his usual good luck, the red taxi immediately got another customer and
pulled up alongside the other cab which was waiting for a traffic signal.
"Well!" said the red driver. "I see you finally got a funny little cocksucker for a customer."
"Yes," retorted the other. "And how would you like that funny little cock-sucker to suck your syphilitic prick?" He then turned around to the fairy and said, "How's that for a tart rejoinder, queenie?"
75
A young and beautiful woman was in bed anxiously waiting for her lover to disrobe so that he might join her. "Oh hurry dear, I want so much to be with you."
He slowly pulled off his necktie saying without enthusiasm, "Yeh, I'll be there."
"What's the matter darling, you used to be so anxious to come to me. Are you tired?"
He slowly took off his vest and his shirt saying, "No I'm all right "
"Darling I want you so "
At this moment there was a tremendous banging on the door. "What's that?" said the lover.
"My God, it's my husband."
Upon hearing this the man threw off the rest of his clothes and leaped onto the bed on top of her.
"What's the matter with you? Are you crazy?"
"No, everything's O. K. now. I'm scared stiff."
76
The latest definition of a Virgin. A dame that doesn't give a fuck.
32 ANECDOTA
77
A woman, having won the worlds wrestling championship, was making a tour of the country, giving exhibitions in wrestling and offering a thousand dollars to anyone, male or female, who could stay in the ring with her for three minutes.
The prize had never been won as very few people dared to enter the ring against the huge amazon, and those who had tried were quickly defeated. One night, in Kansas City, a little anaemic looking fellow stepped up to the ring and offered to take her on. The crowd was in an uproar and the amazon's manager warned the little fellow that she would probably break his back in the first minute. But as he was willing to take the risk, they fixed him up with trunks and he entered the ring amid the guffaws, of the vast audience.
The gong rang and they were in the middle of the ring tussling, but not for long, as, in a flash the little fellow had her flat on the mat. He had won the bout, the thousand dollars, and the world's championship.
He was carried to his dressing room on the shoulders of the frenzied fans, where newspaper men besieged him with cameras and questions. "How did you do it?" they all asked.
"I used the bowling hold," the little fellow said.
78
An Irishman brought his brother over from Ireland, and the green-horn, on the day of his arrival, took out his prick on Broadway and pissed in front of everyone. His brother told him that that sort of thing was not done here. "If you have to piss, go to any house, knock on the door, and they'll let you use the toilet."
Early the following morning, the green-horn had to piss again. He went up to a bungalow and knocked on the door.
The door opened and a hand came out with a tin receptacle accompanied by fifteen cents and a voice that said, "One quart, please."
When he saw his brother later that day, he said, "Jesus, Pat, why didn't you bring me over here sooner. I pissed away a fortune in the old country."
AMERICANA 33
79
The odds were three to one that Bigballsky "The Bone Crusher" would easily throw Hung Too Low, the champion of all China, in the championship bout that night. Bigballsky was in better shape than he had been when he threw Kant Ake It the Japanese champ and there wasn't much doubt that he would easily win tonight's bout.
The first few minutes in the ring he was mopping up the mat with Hung Too Low, throwing him around with slight effort and having altogether what seemed a cinch, when suddenly, without apparent reason, he stretched out on his back with a moan and it was all over.
"What happened?" demanded his manager, when he revived in the dressing room.
"Remember," said the ex-champ, "When we were all tied up in knots, my ass in his face, his ass in mine ? Well, one of his balls slipped through the leg of his trunks and dangled in front of my mouth."
"Why the hell didn't you bite it?" asked the manager.
"I did," said the erstwhile wrestler, "And it was my own ball."
80
"Jedge, Ah wants a divorce from that man Ahm married to," said Mandy.
"What is your reason for wanting a divorce, Mandy?"
"Well, Jedge yo onor, that man he have me ten times a night."
"Mandy, I'm sorry, but I can't give you a divorce on those grounds."
"Wait, yo onor, then he go an have my poor ol mammy a few times."
"Why Mandy, for that I can send the rascal away to jail."
"Wait a minute, Jedge yo onor. Then he go an have mah poor ol granmammy."
"I'll give him life in jail for that Mandy."
"But wait, Jedge yo onor, you ain't heard nothin' yet. He then go an have mah poor little ten yeah ol sistah."
"I can and will send him to the electric chair for that, Mandy."
"Wait, Jedge, yo all ain't heard nothin' yet. Den he get his eye glasses, put them on that big hardon of his and say, come on bo, look roun' an see if they's anythin' you all missed."
34 ANECDOTA
81
"I saw your sign outside, Rhyming Waiter Wanted, and if you explain the meaning of it, to me, perhaps I can fill the position."
"Well you see," said the owner of the restaurant, "there have been dancing waiters and singing waiters, and I think the novelty of having a rhyming waiter would help my business considerably."
"I was a poet once and I think I can fill the job," said the applicant.
"I'll try you out, but if you can't rhyme the orders as you get them, I'll have to fire you."
The first customers the new waiter had, were two Jewish men, who ordered two stews. They were followed by a whore with red shoes who ordered the same. Next came an innocent looking country girl, who ordered two soft boiled eggs in a glass.
The waiter shouted the three orders in this manner: "Two stews, for two Jews, The same for a whore with red shoes, Two eggs in a glass, for a country lass, And if that doesn't rhyme, I'll kiss your ass."
82
Mrs. Mefufsky went to the lower east side to make some purchases. Amongst the things she bought were a half dozen bananas. Before she arrived at the Bronx subway train she had lost five of the six, so, to safeguard the remaining one she put it under her dress and held it tightly. The train was crowded and she had to stand up.
When half way home, a man standing in front of her said, "All right madam, you may let go of it now. I have to get off at this station."
83
A pigeon invited all of his friends to fly over to
the top of the Empire State Building and when they got there, he strutted out to the end of a flag pole and answered nature's call. Ten pairs of eyes watched the offering twist and twirl its way to the street below. "I just wanted to show you how far a little shit will go in this town."
AMERICANA 35
84
"Jedge, Ah wants a divoce from dis man," said Mathilde.
"What is your reason for wanting to divorce him, Mathilde?" asked the judge.
"Ah don' get no satisfactory from him, thas the reason."
"Tell the court the reason he doesn't satisfy you," ordered the judge.
"Ah can't tell no reason, jedge. Yo all better see fo yoself."
So the judge ordered the puny little husband to take down his pants. Down they came, revealing an instrument of prodigious length and thickness. The astonished judge pointed to the tool and said, "You mean to say, Mathilde, that this nigger can't satisfy you with
that?"
"Das what ah sez, jedge. Tell dat no 'count man to turn roun'."
The husband turned his back to the court as he was ordered and there were displayed two tiny black buttocks, about the size of a childs.
"Yo see, jedge," said Mathilde, "Yo all can't expect to drive a spike wit a tack hammer."
85
"Keep to the right" "Keep to the right" ordered the usher as a large crowd of people arrived at the theatre. One rather busty woman disregarded the ushers' request completely.
The boy went to the woman and said in a most persuasive tone, "Please keep to the right madam."
Even then the woman paid no attention.
Finally he tapped her on the arm and again asked her to keep to the . right. In an indignant manner she said, "Young man, I'll have you know I have a mezzanine box."
"Lady, I don't care if you have brass tits, keep to the right," he answered.
86
A girl rode up to the village postoffice on a bicycle, leaned the bike against the curb, and dismounted. As she entered the postoffice the bicycle toppled over.
"Your wheel seems to be a bit tired," the old postmaster remarked. The girl retorted:
"You'd be tired too, if you'd been between my legs as long as that wheel has."
36 ANECDOTA
87
The red-headed senator from Illinois got into a controversy with the senator from Ohio. Said the senator from Illinois :
"Here's to the American eagle
A great and glorious bird
That flew all over the union
And in Ohio dropped a turd."
Said the senator from Ohio:
"Here's to the state of Ohio
Who's soil is fertile and rich
Which needs no turd from your old bird
You red-headed son-of-a-bitch!"
88
A negro whore went to the bank to deposit a twenty dollar bill. The clerk looked
it over and said, "Mazie, you've been fucked. This bill is no good."
"Fucked," she yelled, "I been raped."
89
A chap was convalescing from an operation in the hospital and the continued presence of a nurse in his room annoyed him. One night he said to the nurse, "Would you mind stepping out into the corridor for a few minutes?"
"Why?" she asked, "What do you wish to do?"
"I'm embarrassed, nurse, I have to do something very badly and I'd rather be alone."
"But you must tell me what it is. You shouldn't be ashamed of anything you have to do in front of me."
"Well, I am, and I won't do it until you leave the room."
"Oh come now, tell me what it is. Do you have to belch?"
"No. Something much worse than that."
"Do you have to piss?"
Nope."
"Do you have to shit?"
"No."
"Do you have to fart, then?"
"Yes nurse that's it, I have to break wind."
"Well you shouldn't be ashamed of that, everytime you break wind it's a feather in my cap."
"Well," he said, "If that's the way you feel about it, stand over there against the wall and I'll make an Indian Chief out of you."
AMERICANA 37
90
Two young fellows, after graduating from Harvard College, decided they had a scheme in mind whereby they could clean up thousands of dollars. They carved a wooden prick and painted it so that it looked for all the world like the real thing. Then they went to McGurk's speakeasy and sat in the back room.
One of the best customers in the establishment came to McGurk and said, "Mac, I've been a friend of yours for a long time, as well as your best customer. But little did I ever suspect that you would allow this sort of thing to go on in your place."
"What sort of thing are you referring to?" asked McGurk.
"Why, those fairies in the back room, and one sucking the others cock right out in the open."
"You're crazy, man, I never had a fairy in this place."
"I'll bet you fifty dollars there are two of them in there right now."
"You're on," said McGurk.
They went into the back room and sure enough there was one fellow sucking the other fellow's cock. McGurk put them both out and they met the best customer later who split the fifty dollars with them.
For a month the scheme had been working very successfully. No more trivial bets like fifty dollars for the boys. Now they were working the high class places where the bets ran into thousands.
One night they came into Rosenberg's place on Park Avenue. Rosenberg had never lost a bet in his life, and bet his best customer five thousand dollars that no such thing could be going on in his place, but sure enough he lost the bet.
That night the two college boys were talking things over when the boy who did
the sucking said, "I think that damned wooden prick needs re-painting or something. All the shellac came off in my mouth tonight."
"Shellac hell," the other answered, "I had to slip you the real thing. That Jew was far too clever."
91
Practice makes pregnant.
38 ANECDOTA
92
All the animals at the Bronx zoo were given a night off to go to Broadway and
raise hell. The condition made by the keeper was that they were all to be back
at ten o'clock that night. Ten o'clock arrived and all had returned but the
Giraffe and the Monkey. At twelve o'clock the Giraffe came in looking very bedraggled and worn out from her escapade. The keeper bawled her out properly and sent her to bed. At two-thirty in the morning, Mr. Monkey came staggering along looking most dissipated and more bedraggled than the Giraffe had looked. "Where have you been?" inquired the keeper. "I thought you were told to be back here by ten o'clock?"
"I've been out with Miss Giraffe, keeper."
"Why even Miss Giraffe arrived here over two hours ago."
"Well sir, between kissing her and screwing her, I wore myself completely out."
93
A Frenchman and an American were having an argument, during which the American called the Frenchman a cock-sucker.
"Sometimes," replied the Frenchman, "In ze heat of passion I kiss ze pussy. But suck ze cock, nevair!"
94
A chap, who stuttered uncontrollably, took a position as clerk in a book store. The first day a woman came in and asked for Charles Dicken's "A Tale of Two Cities." When the clerk repeated this it was "A Sale of Two Tities." The woman left the store horrified. Never in her life had she been so insulted. The clerk was warned that the next time anything like this happened he would be dismissed.
The following day an old lady came in, and talked with the clerk for a moment.
He went to the proprietor and said, "I wish to resign my position."
"What's the trouble?" asked the owner.
"This lady wants a book called "Friar Tuck."
AMERICANA 39
"Between kissing and screwing . . ."
40 ANECDOTA
95
Spending a week-end with some friends our guest felt a sudden desire to take a shit in the wee hours of the morning. Not wanting to disturb anyone he looked around and deposited his package in a hat box thinking that he would dispose of it the next day. Completely forgetting about it he left for home. Two days later he received a telegram from his host which read: "ALL IS FORGIVEN. WHERE IS IT?"
96
A condrum manufacturer went to a broadcasting station and asked, "How much will you charge to advertise my condrums between the hours of five and six?"
"I'm sorry sir, but the Kotex people already have that hour," he was informed.
"I'll pay a thousand dollars for the hour." he said.
"The Kotex people are paying us five thousand."
"Yes, but they're out after blood. We're only out after pleasure."
97
One by one the girls of the whore house came down to look at the prick of 'Conceited Al', and one by one admired it, but refused to take on anything as large as all that.
The only girl who had not been consulted was a negress who was kept there only for an occasional negro customer. Al insisted on being laid, so the madam told him to go up to the negress' room and force her to take the huge prick up her cunt.
He entered the room, took out his prick, put it on the table, and said, "What do you think of that, Maizie?"
"Mmmm Mmmm, man it's just lak a stove pipe."
"Big, huh?" he asked, feeling satisfied that he had made an impression.
"No man, dirty," answered Maizie.
98
Two fairies were having an argument when one said to the other, "You kiss my ass."
The other said, "This is a fight, dearie, don't bring romance into it."
AMERICANA 41
99
A tramp had been trying all the homes in Westchester for a hand out, but to no avail. All the women were far too elegant to help out a poor starving tramp. However, he finally came to a house where the woman invited him in and prepared an elegant meal, which she served herself. As she was dressed only in a negligee, each time she bent over to serve a course, the tramp could not help but see her breasts and several times her hairy cunt. Consequently, all during the meal he had an erection, which insisted on showing itself through the various holes in his trousers. Each time it popped out he would push it back, only to have it come through another aperture.
That night at the bridge club, the ladies of Westchester were discussing the days happenings. "A terrible tramp came to my door today, but I chased him away with a broom stick," said one.
"Was he a tall husky, raggedy fellow?" asked another, "Why he's the same beast I chased away myself."
"Did he have red hair?" asked the philanthropic lady who had fed the tramp.
"Yes," all the others answered in unison. "The beast did have red hair."
"Well," said our great souled friend, "I've never seen a beast with so many cocks before in my life."
100
"Doctor I want you to look me over."
The doctor made a cursory examination. "Well," he said, "from what I observe, you have one of two things. Either a very bad cold or a slight touch of syphilis."
"My God doctor, don't you know, I've come to you for a diagnosis?"
"I shall know very exactly after I've made some tests," said the M.D. and went into his laboratory.
He came back and put his hand on the man's shoulder. "Now don't get nervous and excited," he said, "but I have to report that you have syphilis."
"Well of course, doctor," said the patient, "where the hell would I catch a cold?"
42 ANECDOTA
101
A Roumanian Princess was searching all over the country for the man with the biggest prick. When she found this man, she would marry him and make him the Prince. After she had searched near and far without finding the right man, she was told of three brothers who lived in a small province and were the possessors of huge tools, the hugest belonging to the brother named Marchand.
She came upon one of the three in the orchard, who was very busy knocking olives from a tree with his cock. "You must be Marchand," she said, "and you shall be my husband."
But he said, "I am not Marchand,
you will find him over in the fields plowing."
She went to the field
and there was another brother, plowing the fields and using his prick as the
plow. She embraced him, and cried, "Oh Marchand, at last I have found you."
But he replied, "Lady, you must be mistaken. You will find Marchand on the other side of that river."
She mounted her beautiful white horse and proceeded to the river. Standing on the other bank was a man with his back turned. "Yoo hoo," called the princess. "Where can I find Marchand?"
"I am Marchand." a voice came back.
"How shall I get over there to you?"
Marchand turned around and his prick bridged the two banks, whereupon the princess and her horse rode over and they lived happily ever after.
102
A Chinaman bought a thousand dollar bond, which dropped to nine hundred and
fifty the following day. He rushed to his broker who calmed him with, "Don't get excited. You see bond prices fluctuate, the price of yours will probably go up again soon."
The following day the price dropped to nine hundred, and the Chinaman again ran furiously to the broker, who again explained. "I told you the prices fluctuate. Just hold on, it will come back."
"Oh," said the Chinaman, "Me savvy,
flucked again I"
AMERICANA 43
103
Three Scotchmen were riding on a train from Edinburgh to Glasgow. Sandy, who was
sitting opposite them, noticed that every now and then they took out a bottle and passed it along the line, each one of the three putting it to his lips. Finally Sandy got up enough courage to ask, "What say, me laddies, whoo aboot passin' that bootle to Sandy?"
Without hesitation, they passed the bottle to him. He was surprised to find it almost full, but knowing the proverbial stinginess of Scots, he took a good long drink, and offered back the bottle.
"Therres no hurry me laddie," said one of the three. "Keep it forr a while longer if you wish."
"Sandy was amazed at such generosity from his countrymen and took another big swig from the bottle.
"What kinda stuff is this you'rre a drinkin' me good lads? It's verra good but in me life I neverr tasted it beforre."
"It's nothin' to drink, lad. We'rre three consumptives and 'ave been spitting our blood into tha' bootle since we left Edinburgh."
104
Two cockneys met at a public urinal. "What's the first symptoms of syphilis 'Arry?"
"I don't know Alf. Why?"
"Me cock just came off in me 'ands."
105
A large and a small Irishman were passing through the muddy streets of a mining town. They were attracted by sounds of ribaldry coming from a honky-tonk.
"Let's go in and get a drink," said the little one.
"I wouldn't do that, me boy, it's a tough joint that is," said the bigger fellow.
"Tough joint or not, I'm goin'
in." And the little one entered the honky-tonk. Scarcely a minute passed when he came flying out of the window and landed like a ball in the mud.
"Wasn't I after tellin' ye it was a tough joint?" asked the big one.
"Sure and a tough joint it is. But will you tell me one thing. Whose balls are these I have in me hand?"
44 ANECDOTA
106
Johnnie was annoyed by the fact that every afternoon as he lay in the grass he would get a terrible erection. He went to the blacksmith, who was his friend and told him of this condition. The blacksmith put Johnnie's prick on the anvil, struck it a mighty blow with his sledge and lo and behold the erection was gone. After that Johnnie went to the smithy every day to have his prick hit with the sledge.
One day when he arrived, the blacksmith was not at the shop and Johnnie ran to
his home expecting to find him there. The smithy's wife answered the knock at the door and inquired if there was anything she could do as her husband was not at home. He told her about the hard-on and she promptly took him inside and let him fuck her.
The next days as Johnnie was running past the shop, the blacksmith came up and said, "Where are you running to Johnnie, don't you want me to fix your hard-on?"
"Naw, I'm going to see your wife, she fixes it so that it hurts nice."
107
"Papa," said little Willie, "You were a sheep herder in your younger days, perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from."
"Virgin wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldn't catch."
108
A farmer got an order for four dozen chickens. Upon going out to the coops he found he had only forty seven. He decided to use the parrot in place of the missing chicken. The forty eight were loaded on the wagon, and about a mile away from town, the forty seven chickens were walking on the road in back of the wagon and the parrot was standing on the running board. He shouted, "If any of you girls change your minds, let me know and you can ride."
AMERICANA 45
109
Little Junior was taken by his mother to Macy's toy department just before
Christmas. There he indulged himself fully. He shot the chutes and he slid the
slides and he galloped the hobbyhorse despite his mother's urgent request that he come home; for it was getting late and dinner would soon be ready. To all this Junior turned a deaf ear. He was having the time of his life and there wouldn't be much toy department left after he got through with it. His mother turned to the furred and whiskered Santa Claus always provided by Macy's on such occasions. "Would you mind," she said, "telling my Junior that he must come with me at once? He thinks you're the real Santa Claus, and you might help me out."
"Of course," said Santa. "I shall be glad to assist you." Whereupon he went over to the boy and whispered a few words in his ear. Immediately Junior leaped off the horse and ran to his mother saying "I'm ready, Mummy. I'll go home."
In the street his mother asked him what it was that Santa had said to make him
so obedient Junior's lip trembled but he wouldn't say. "Did he tell you that if
you were a good boy and went with Mummy he'd bring you lots of presents for
Christmas?"
Junior shook his head in the negative. "No, Mummy. He
didn't say anything about presents."
"Then what did he say, darling?" asked his mother.
"He said, 'you little cock-sucking sonofabitch, if you don't get off that horse this minute, I'll kick the piss out of you!' "
110
Mr. Perkins was sitting in the hospital awaiting word of a blessed event. The nurse arrived and told him that he was the proud father of twins. Much elated he started for the door.
"Mr. Perkins," called the nurse, "a third one has arrived."
"A Ahem," said Mr. Perkins, "before I leave do you mind looking around a bit? You know she was always a pretty roomy sort of a girl."
46 ANECDOTA
111
"Boys," said a tramp as he entered a saloon. "I must have a drink. My nerves are shattered and I'll do anything you say for a shot."
"Alright, I'll give you a drink," said the bar-tender. "But if your prick is not as long as that cats tail, you'll have to suck the cunt of Nellie The Bar-Rag, on top of the bar so that everyone may see you."
The tramp looked at Nellie The Bar-Rag, who had passed out in the corner, amongst spitoons, cigar and cigarette butts. He had seen many filthy trollops in his time, but none who could compare with Nellie for sheer disgust. Regardless of the consequences, he gulped down the proffered drink.
The boys were already beginning to drag Nellie over the bar, so sure were they that he would lose the bet. He insisted, however, that they measure the cats tail, which they announced, was ten inches long. They then measured his prick, which, alas, was only seven and a half inches in length.
"From where to where," he inquired, "did you measure the cats tail?"
"Why from his ass-hole to the tip, of course."
"Then in all fairness, I insist that you measure my prick the same way."
112
A doctor was asked by a male patient whether it was harmful to masturbate. The doctor replied yes and no it depends upon the frequency with which the practice is carried out.
"How about three times a day doctor?"
This took the physician aback. "I should say that is altogether too much," he replied. "Is this your daily practice?"
"Yes, three times a day, every day," said the patient.
"Why don't you get yourself a girl?" said the doctor.
"I've got a girl."
"I mean a girl you can live with, sleep with. Who loves you to be with her."
"I got one like that, I'm telling you."
"Then why in heaven's name do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Oh," said the man disgustedly, "She don't like it during meals."
AMERICANA 47
113
A Hollywood producer wired his New York representative to the affect that the
show "The Captive" had been running in New York for six months now. Why, he wished to know, hadn't it been signed up for his movie company?
The representative wired back: "Can't use the show for movies. All about Lesbians."
To which the producer answered: "Sign it up anyway. We'll make Italians of them and use it."
114
The lumber-camp barroom was closing for the night, and the six-foot barkeep was tidying up the back bar, when he felt what seemed to be an earth tremor. The door burst open, and through it came the biggest, toughest-looking man he ever saw. The newcomer was leading a huge bear by a chain. The bear rushed at the bartender, but the big man jerked the chain, gave the animal a terrible kick, and admonished him:
"Behave yourself, you lousy bastard, or I'll tear your goddam guts out."
The bear cringed and slunk down by the rail.
"Gimme," said the man to the pop-eyed bartender, "a pint of alcohol straight."
The barkeep poured the alcohol with trembling hands, and the customer gulped it down. At that moment a big rattlesnake thrust out its head from within the drinker's shirt and made as if to attack the now half-paralyzed bartender. The newcomer seized the snake's neck with one hand and crashed his other fist against its head. "Back where you belong," he growled, "or I'll wring your goddam neck."
The snake slid back into his shirt.
"Another pint of whiskey straight," the customer ordered.
He drank it, and paid. By this time the barkeep was beginning to recover his speech.
"Stranger," he managed to get out, "I guess where you come from, men is men eh?"
"Where I come from," the customer replied, "they'r so goddam tough that yesterday they chased all us fairies out!"
48 ANECDOTA
115
A certain movie director was supposed to have married a former Follies girl
under the impression that she was a virgin. The basis for his belief was the
fact that she took very short steps, and he figured that was caused by the tightness of those secret parts. It was only after his marriage that he discovered she had been fucked so much during her career that she took short steps to keep her insides from falling out!
116
The president of the Grand National Academy of Arts and Sciences of Paris, France, made an official visit to America in order to study conditions. On his return he gave the scholarly report of his findings to the learned members of the board.
"I meet ze beautiful American madame and tell her I must have ze body. While I wait for her entrance in ze chamber, I have ze urge to make ze beeg sheet. I find no water closet so I remove ze socks and sheet in zem. Just zen ze madame come in and I put ze socks in ze coat pocket.
"I say madame, I must have ze body, but she say no, no, no, no, first you must prove ze test of love; you must kiss ze titie. Ah, madam, I say, I love ze titie.
"So after I kiss ze titie I say, madam now ze body. But she say no, no, no, no, zat is only ze first test of love, now you must kees ze cunt.
"I say to her, madam, I am ze Frenchman. I love ze cunt. After ze cunt is kissed I say, madam I must have ze body now. But she say no, no, no, no, zat is only ze second test of love. She say, now you must kiss ze ass.
"Gentlemen of ze National Academy, I have nevair kissed ze ass, so I say madam I cannot do zat. But now gentlemen, I have much passion and must have ze body, so I, ze president of zees academy, go on ze knees to kiss ze ass of madam. But ze madam let go ze fart in my face and she say, 'Zat for France!'
"So I pull out ze socks and fling zem in her face and say, 'Viva La France'."
AMERICANA 49
117
The celebrated Mike and Pat were out of a job like many others. Mike saw an
advertisement calling for men at the Empire State Tower. On their arrival they were informed that they were expected to demonstrate a new pair of wings that make man the equal of a bird.
Pat the gamer of the two had the wings adjusted, took off from the Tower and had a grand time flying around. After making a perfect landing he asked Mike to try the wings.
Mike was very timid but agreed to try them on condition that Pat go downstairs and stand ready to catch him in case of mishap. Mike took off and was going fine, when something happened to the wings and down he came.
A street cleaner had just finished making a perfect mound and Mike landed head first into the pile. Pat ran over, took one look at Mike and then exploded "I knew god dammed well you couldn't be a bird for two minutes without sticking your head in the horseshit."
118
As he was entering his hotel room, he saw his ex-wife, whom he had divorced a year ago going into
the next room. He hadn't been fucked since then and was pretty hard up for a
piece at the moment, so he knocked on the door of the room she had entered and said, "Let me come in, I'm going to lay you tonight."
"No you're not," she answered. "And what's more you can't come in here."
"Well I'm coming in there if it's the last thing I do."
"If you come in here and lay me it will be over my dead body."
"You're telling me? It was always that way anyhow."
119
A whore accosted a young fellow on the street and asked, "How would you like to come upstairs with me?"
"I'd like very much to, but there are three reasons why I can't."
"What are the reasons," she asked.
"Well, the first is that I have no money."
"Good-bye," she said. "You can stick the other two up your ass."
50 ANECDOTA
120
An American actress rushed out of a London hotel, called a cab and instructed the cabby to take her to the theatre in a hurry. The cabby started off at his usual leisurely pace. She again told him she was in a hurry.
"Yes mum. Come Dobbins!" A short sprint followed and again the horse slowed down.
"Say, cabby, can't you do something to make that animal move faster?"
"No lidy, you see I must save his balls for the hills."
121
"Didja ever suck a cunt Johnnie?"
"Naw, did you?"
"Naw, but I know what it tastes like."
"How do you know?"
"Me mother saves all her old drawers for a month and then boils 'em up for soup."
122
"Hmmm, and vat do you tink of dis younger generation, Mrs. Feitelbaum? My son Louie, he vants to marry yet, a goy and he vants to be a goy heemself. Yesterday I found heem in de toilet putting new skin, vat they sell in de drug stores, on his prick."
123
Zeke was telling the boys on the corner about his wedding night. "Boys, is that girl I married dumb, boy is she dumb. Imagine, instead of putting the pillow under her head when we goes to bed, she puts it under her ass. Boy, is she a dumb woman."
124
A big black buck negro fell asleep against a haystack. While sleeping a long black snake crawled up the leg of his pants, and stuck its head out through his unbuttoned fly.
The black boy woke with a start and exclaimed, "Lord God, ah knewed you was long and ah knewed you was black, but where did you get dem baby blue eyes?"
AMERICANA 51
"Where did you get dem baby blue eyes?"
52 ANECDOTA
125
While riding on a slow train in Montana, I was fascinated by watching the
strange antics of a fellow passenger who sat opposite me. At irregular intervals
he would pull vigorously on a string which dangled from the back of his shirt
collar, while he mumbled some imprecation, which I could not hear. Finally my
curiosity got the best of me and after the usual exchange of small talk, I made
bold enough to ask the meaning of his strange behavior. He related the following, without hesitation.
About a year ago I found myself stranded in the desert twenty miles outside of the city of Billings. I made my way to a lonely ranch and asked for food. The owner would feed me only on condition that I work for him. Thus, I became a sheep-herder.
My sexual needs became more and more urgent, for there were no women anywhere
near this ranch, until I was forced to adopt the custom of the country, ie., find what satisfaction I could in the sheep under my care. I got so that every time I was horny at least two or three of the little dears would prance toward me, nuzzling and rubbing against my legs in their desire to be favored.
You must understand that I am by nature an extremely passionate man and could find little relief in such bucolic pastimes.
It was, therefore, with a feeling of keen anticipation that after six months I left the ranch and made my way to Kansas City. Having fallen heir to a small inheritance, I registered at one of the better hotels and prepared myself for a long awaited screw.
A bellboy, properly tipped, brought as beautiful a woman as I had ever set eyes on into my room.
The long awaited moment had arrived. The woman lay naked and willing before me. I need not tell you how alluring she was, nor how the heated blood distended my penis to its full nine inches. My long awaited dream was about to become a reality.
Whether it was my experience with the sheep, whether it was my long period of abstinence from a woman, whether it was some
AMERICANA 53
phsycological quirk thrusting itself up from my self conscious, whatever it was, the sad fact remains that at this most opportune moment my prick wilted ana died just as I was about to insert it.
From that night on every time I think of this devastating experience, I jerk the string and make the son-of-a-bitch kiss my ass.
126
A fellow picked up a whore lady on the street and went up to her room with her.
"I only have fifty cents," said he. "What can you give me for that?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm a union girl and we have nothing to give for fifty cents."
"How much does the union make you charge for a lay?"
"Two dollars, sir."
"Would you piss in this pot for fifty cents?"
"Yes sir, that I'll do."
When she had pissed in the pot he took out his prick, swished it around in the piss and said, "Take soup, you son-of-a-bitch, meat's too damned expensive."
127
The Virgin Mary got permission of St. Peter, to go on a little visit to Broadway. His only condition was that she return before twelve o'clock, at which time the pearly gates would be closed.
At four A.M., she returned from her escapade looking much the worse for wear. Loudly she knocked on the pearly gates demanding admission.
"This is the Virgin Mary," she called.
"Oh yeah?" said the voice of St. Peter.
128
Mr. Hawkins an Englishman was entertaining a guest for the week-end. In the morning the guest walked into the bathroom and much to his embarrassment he found Mrs. Hawkins taking her bath. He immediately rushed out and found Mr. Hawkins. "I am terribly sorry sir, you see it was not my fault the door was open and I walked in and found your wife sitting in the bath tub." Mr. Hawkins calmly twirled his moustache and said, "skinny bitch, eh?"
54 ANECDOTA
129
Father, mother and daughter had just finished the evening meal when the distressing question of washing the dishes came up. Everyone of them abhored this task. Finally they agreed that the first one to utter a sound would have to do the dishes. Silence prevailed.
The daughter's young man arrived and greeted the family with his usual boisterous "Hello everybody." A slight grunt was the only reply. This continued for some time to every remark he made. He couldn't understand it, but started to fondle his sweetheart. Still no sound was heard. He became a little bolder with no admonition from anyone. He decided to fuck her which he did. More grunts from Ma and Pa but nothing said.
He had always had a peculiar yen for the old lady so decided this was as good a time as any to fuck her. Loud grunts came this time from the old man but no interference. The young man rather well satisfied with himself nonchalantly lit a cigar, but in doing so burned his finger. He yelled out loudly "Jesus Christ, have you any vaseline?" Then the old man piped up "Don't give it to the bastard. I'll wash the fucken dishes."
130
A circus was parading through a small town; lions, tigers, and nineteen elephants each holding the others tail in its mouth. As they were crossing the railroad tracks the smallest elephant, and leader of the procession, was struck by a train and killed.
The circus manager sued the railroad company for fifty thousand dollars damages.
The railroad company's lawyer was telling the judge: "Your honor, I can't see why these people are sueing for such a tremendous amount of money. The elephant we killed was the smallest of the lot and certainly no elephant is worth that much money."
"But, your honor," said the lawyer for the circus. "When the railroad train killed little Fifi, it pulled the assholes out of the eighteen other elephants."
AMERICANA 55
131
A Frenchman and an American were arguing about the number of ways of fucking. The American knew one hundred and one ways, whereas the Frenchman knew only one hundred. They decided to tell each other the various ways each knew.
"The first way," said the American, "Is the conventional manner, whereby the man lays on top of the woman, inserts his prick into her cunt and works up and down until he comes."
"Aha!" said the Frenchman, "That's the only way I didn't know
of."
132
Having been away to sea for four months, Captain Taylor was pretty hard up for a piece of cunt, and was happy when a woman sidled up to him on the dark street and inquired, "How about a bit of nasty, baby?"
"Alright," said he, "I ain't had a bit of nasty in four months and it would go fine. What's your price?"
"Price ain't
me object, captain, I does it for pleasure. But if you want to throw a piece of change me way when you're finished, I won't object one bit."
They walked until they reached a street lamp and Captain Taylor paused to get a better look at the slut he was going to fuck in a short while.
"Here's a hallway," said she, "I guess that's as good a place as any to do a bit of fucking."
"I don't mind hallways," he said, "but you're a homely old hag and I'd like to give you a little feel to work meself up, if you has no objections."
"I has no objections, captain, you go right ahead and feel me up all you wants to."
He started to feel, and suddenly gave her a shove against the wall and shouted, "Why, you son-of-a-bitch you're a man. I've a good mind to beat your head off."
"But captain," she protested, "I ain't a man, feel me tits."
"I don't want to feel your tits, I just felt your god damned prick dangling under that dress you're wearing."
"Prick indeed," she replied indignantly, "Since when, may I ask, can't a lady shit in her own drawers."
56 ANECDOTA
133
It was the first day of school and the teacher was taking the names of her
pupils. Sitting in the first row was a puny little fellow whose name was Percivald Smith, and a few aisles away, also in the first row, another weak looking individual whose name was Reginald Smith.
"Are you and Percivald brothers?" inquired the teacher.
"We're twins mam." answered Reginald.
The teacher came to the back of the room and there crouched a big husky bully whose name was Patrick Smith.
"Are you related to the other Smith boys?" asked the teacher.
"Sure," he replied, "We're triplets."
"How is it they are such nice little fellows and you're such a big overgrown clown?"
"Well you see teacher, me old lady only had two tits and I had to suck on the old man's cock."
134
A German captain caught one of the soldiers in the act of taking a shit near the
entrance of the fort. The captain seized the private's gun and ordered him to eat the shit. When he had eaten a part of it, the captain said, "That will do," and returned the gun to him.
The private in a rage, leveled the gun at the captain, and said, "Now you eat the rest."
After doing so, the captain rushed to the general and preferred charges.
"What did you do to offend the captain?" asked the general of the private.
"Nothing your worship. We just dined together."
135
A young fellow was receiving treatment from a G.U. man (clap doctor) which consisted in having his prostate gland massaged through the rectum. Finding this too expensive he confided in his roommate,
who offered to do it for him if properly instructed.
"That's simple. Here is how the doctor did it: First I bent way over, then he put his left hand on my back . . . say come to think of it he put both hands on my back."
AMERICANA 57
136
Peggy Hopkins Joyce was once asked whether she knew the difference between a spider and a fly.
"Well, no," she admitted. "You see I never opened a spider."
137
A hen and a duck were passing the time of day and during the course of their conversation the duck asked the hen how much she was getting for her eggs.
"Thirty five cents a dozen," replied the hen. "How much are you getting?"
"I'm getting forty five cents," answered the duck. "But of course my eggs are much larger."
"Huh," said the hen as she walked away, "I should stretch my ass for ten cents."
138
"I'd give five hundred dollars if I could fuck that one in the end in the first row." said one man to another as they were watching Earl Carrol's Vanities.
"Well Jack," said the other man. "I know Earl Carrol personally and I'll see if I can fix it up for you."
Sure enough he fixed it up so that Jack was introduced to the girl after the show that night.
"I'll stay with you from whatever time we go to bed tonight until seven tomorrow morning," said the girl, "if you pay me the five hundred in advance."
He paid her the five hundred and took her to a cabaret, where, in his joyous mood of anticipation he became very drunk and when they arrived at her hotel, immediately passed out.
When he awoke in the morning there was a note which read: "I carried out my end of the contract. Sorry you weren't able to fuck me."
He went to the nearest butcher shop, borrowed the largest cleaver in the place, put his prick on the chopping block and aimed a blow. Having to pull his body back to strike he naturally missed his prick. He tried three times to no avail, then said, "You little son-of-a-bitch, you can miss a two foot cleaver, but you can't find your way into a five hundred dollar pussy."
58 ANECDOTA
139
Sambo had been boasting to his boss that he could fuck thirty times in a night. The boss was skeptical, however, and went up to Sam's room, where sure enough he fucked Liza thirty three times.
The boss, being a Scotchman saw here a grand opportunity for making some money from his friends, and bet them all that Sam could fuck thirty times a night. The eventful night came and Sambo fucked eighteen, nineteen, twenty times. After the twenty fourth and fifth times Sambo looked as though he could go no further and sure enough fainted just as he completed the twenty sixth fuck.
The boss was furious and when Sam was revived said "What's the matter with you Sam? Didn't you tell me you could fuck thirty times without any trouble?"
"Ah don't know what's the matter boss. This afternoon at the rehearsal everythin' went jus' fine an dandy."
140
An Englishman followed a girl up the winding steps of a Fifth Ave. bus. When they reached the top he thought it would be nice to start a conversation with the lady, and said, "Kind of 'airy, ain't it?"
"Sure it is," she said. "What did you expect to see, ostrich feathers?"
141
Professor Albertstein was lecturing a body of students about the new and amazing
discovery of the prehistoric animal, called the Wow. It was larger than any
other animal and had some habits peculiar and different from any living thing
discovered heretofore.
After the lecture, the professor invited questions from the students and one chap asked, "Professor, why was this animal called the Wow by the people of that time?"
"That question," answered the professor, "Occurred to the man who discovered the Wow and after much research and study, he found out that the Wow only shit once a year, but when he did WOW !"
AMERICANA 59
142
Misha Gladcomofsky Venefuksky, had saved up enough money at last to make a trip to Moscow. He had never been in a big city before and was anxious to see how things were going since the revolution. His wife, Rosenshinska Filthakunska Shitzinbedka, bid him goodbye and told him to be careful of the city slickers.
He arrived in Moscow safely but was amazed to see the starvation that was prevalent in such a big city. He had wandered around all day taking in the sights and about dusk had to take a terrible shit. He knew not where to go, but couldn't wait, so went into a hallway next to a butcher shop and proceeded to shit.
Meanwhile, a Moscovite had entered the butcher shop, asked for a pound of meat and ran out of the store without paying for it. When Misha emerged from the hallway with the shit neatly tied up in his handkerchief, he was nabbed by the butcher who dragged him into the store, took the bag of shit and put it on the scales. As it only weighed three quarters of a pound, he beat Misha terribly and kicked him out.
When Misha arrived home some days later, he was met at the door by his wife who asked, "Well, Misha Gladcomofsky Venefuksky, how did you like the big city? Is it nice there, do they get plenty to eat, are they happy and singing all the time ? Come, tell Rosenshinska Filthakunska Shitzinbedka all about your trip."
"Rosenshenska Likapricka," he addressed her by her pet name. "If you think we're bad off here having to eat dead rats and cats you're mistaken. We're very lucky, for in Moscow all the butchers sell is shit, and furthermore they beat you up if you don't shit at least a pound."
143
A fairy had just finished sucking a sailor's cock in a hallway, and wiping his chin he said, "Mmm, so good, it tastes just like rice pudding."
"Well, it ought to," retorted the sailor, "I had it up a Chinaman's ass-hole about ten minutes ago."
60 ANECDOTA'
144
A doctor was questioning a male patient in an attempt to find the reason for the latter's run-down condition. The patient, a married man, said his domestic relations were "all right."
"But I mean," said the physician, "how often do you have sexual relations with your wife?"
"Oh, about three times a night, usually," was the response.
"Any girl friends?" pursued the doctor.
"One," said the patient, "but I don't usually fuck her more than a couple of times a day."
"Any other women?" asked the doc.
"Well, my stenographer's a pretty lively sort, and of course I have to slip it into her now and then during the day."
"Any others?"
"Well, you see, I'm in the cloak and suit business, and I have to keep the models feeling good. That means a few more fucks."
"Any others?"
"Not many. Only when a buyer comes to town I have to take him out for a little time. Of course that means a bit of cunt."
The doctor was ready with his diagnosis.
"There's nothing the matter with you but too much fucking," he said.
The patient looked immensely relieved.
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
"Well, you don't know how you relieve me, doctor. I was afraid it was masturbation."
145
George Washington Wilkins, colored, perambulating down the street one evening, met Thomas Jefferson Hunkins who was escorting two dusky ladies.
"Evenin'," said George. "Where might yo' be goin'?"
"Oh," replied Thomas, "I'se takin' two ladies to a ball. An' where might yo' be goin'?"
"Vice versa," said George.
146
Uncle George and Auntie Mabel
Fainted at the breakfast table
Children, let this be a warning
Never do it in the morning.
AMERICANA 61
147
Little Jackie stuck his arm out of the train window, causing his father to pull him in and box his ears soundly. An old lady came over to the father and reprimanded him for striking his son, saying, "I'm going to make trouble for you."
The father answered, "You see dat goil sittin' over dere wit de big belly? Dat's mine daughter, Sylvia, vat she's in de family vay vitout a husband. My vife she's dead in de baggage coch ahead. I just lost all my money in Vall street. Ikey here just shit in his pants and Izzy swallowed de tickets for de conductor, and you're going to make trouble for me?"
148
A fellow walked into a fish market and said, "How much are crabs today?"
"Forty cents a dozen, sir."
"Well," said the fellow, "Shake hands with a millionaire.'
149
Before becoming respectable and marrying the General, she had had the reputation of being the towns most popular whore, who would take on any one regardless of size and as many as came in a night.
One night the General was giving a swell party and among the guests was a fellow who had slept with her while she was in the profession.
He recognized her and tried to make polite conversation, but she high-hatted him and walked away with her nose in the air.
Not accustomed to being treated in this manner, he followed her and called her some very vile names.
She ran excitedly in to the General who was playing chess and sobbing said, "Oh, my deah General, I've been insulted by a young whippersnapper and demand that you get me an apology."
"There, there, my dear," said he, "Don't get excited. What did he call you?"
"He called me an old whore and a cocksucker."
"Well my dear, that is nothing to get peeved about. Why, I haven't been in the army for years and people still call me General."
62 ANECDOTA
150
The colored pastor had long been worrying about the dwindling congregations at the Sunday evening services. Finally he had a bright idea.
"Next Sunday night," he announced, "we ah goin' to discuss the topic: "What am the best paht of a woman's body?" Yo' pastah will ask yo' all to contribute yo' ideas."
When next Sunday night arrived the church was jammed. Deacon Simpson started the symposium with a panegyric on woman's hair. Deacon
Brown followed with an equally eloquent eulogy of woman's eyes. Brother White
spoke no less enthusiastically of woman's mouth. The next speaker was Brother Johnson, who spoke long and feelingly on the beauties of woman's breasts. As he concluded the pastor spied a hand waving frantically down toward the rear of the congregation.
"Well, brudder Smith?" he said.
Brother Smith got to his feet.
"I move you dis here meetin' be adjourned," he shouted. "Fust
thing you know some fool niggah'll be gettin' up an' tellin' de truf !"
151
A Jewish carpenter put up a partition in a whore house and asked the madam for thirty dollars for the job. She replied that she hadn't thirty dollars, but that he was perfectly welcome to take it out in trade.
"Can I take it out on you?" he asked the madam.
"Sure," she said, flattered by the proposition.
When she lay on the bed undressed, he stuck his thumb up her cunt and his index finger up her ass-hole and said, "Giff me the thirty dollars now, or I pull out the partition."
152
It had taken a long time, but by using all his arts and persuasion, he finally "laid" her. When it was over there was silence for a few minutes, then he asked:
"Well, how did you like it?"
"Oh, well enough," she replied, "but I can't say that I think much of your organ."
"No?" he countered. "Well, I didn't expect to play in an auditorium."
AMERICANA 63
153
Dorothy Parker was being interviewed by reporters at her home.
"This is a very nice little place you have here, Miss Parker." said one.
"Yes," she answered. "Just a little place to lay my head, and my friends."
154
Mrs. Ginsberg, noticing that her stomach was becoming rather swollen, went to the doctor, who asked her to send him a specimen of her urine the following day.
She sent her son Bernard to the doctor's office the following day with a tin can
containing the urine. On the way Bernie fell down and spilled the can of urine. He scooped as much of it from the sidewalk as he could get and proceeded to the doctor.
"Vell, doctor," inquired Mrs. Ginsberg when she returned a few days later, "Vat did you find?"
"Mrs. Ginsberg," he answered, "I find that you are going to give birth to a litter of pigs."
"Oy, Oy," she Oy, Oyed, "You can't even trust a weenie these days."
155
A young man from the South married a Yankee girl and took her to the ancestral Virginia homestead for their honeymoon. The old negro mammy who still presided in the colonial home set about to see that the bridal couple got a magnificent supper on the day of their arrival. But they didn't come downstairs, and the dinner got cold. The mammy put it away, saying to herself that they should have a fine breakfast the next morning, anyway. But they didn't appear for breakfast. The same thing occurred at noon, and she had to clear away the dinner she had cooked and set out so temptingly. As suppertime was approaching, mammy was stacking up a pile of fragrantly steaming griddle-cakes when the bride appeared.
"Oh, Mammy," exclaimed the bride, looking at the cakes, "you know what I like!"
" 'Deed ah does, honey," responded mammy, "but yo' has to eat sometime."
64 ANECDOTA
156
A poor man, a Catholic, went to his priest to arrange for a mass for his wife who had recently died. The priest agreed.
"But," he added, "you understand a mass costs money."
"How much?" asked the bereaved husband.
"A high mass is ten dollars," answered the priest, "and a low mass is five dollars."
"But I haven't any money," the man pleaded.
"Haven't you any relatives you could get the money from?" asked the priest.
"No, none of my relatives have any money."
"What relatives have you?" persisted the priest.
"Only two unmarried sisters, who are both nuns."
"Stop," said the priest, indignantly. "Don't let me hear you say your sisters are unmarried. They are brides of Christ."
"Brides of Christ?"
"Yes," said the priest, "brides of Christ."
"Well then, Father, you go ahead and say the mass, and charge it to my brother-in-law."
157
Eva Le Galliene was arguing with George Bernard Shaw.
"Women are much better bed-mates than men," said Eva.
"I quite agree with you." said Shaw. "But women can't do nearly as many things as men can."
"Balls!" answered Eva.
"Don't you wish you had some?" retorted George.
158
A travelling salesman had been sending reports to his New York firm: "Didn't get an order from Marshall Field, but had a long talk with the buyer and made a good connection. It's a feather in my cap."
He had travelled all over the country, without getting an order but always ended the report by saying it was a feather in his cap.
One day he received the following wire from the firm: "You had better take all those feathers, stick them up your ass and fly home. The firm is bankrupt and we can't send you carfare."
AMERICANA 65
159
For months a handsome man sat every night in the first row of the Civic Repertory Theatre. Every night before and after the show Eva Le Gallienne would receive flowers from the unknown gentleman accompanied by poetic notes telling her of her beauty and marvellous acting ability.
One night he summoned up enough courage to go back stage and knock timidly on Miss Le Gallienne's dressing room door.
"Come in," commanded the deep husky voice.
He entered, walked directly over to where she sat, fell on his knees at her feet, and said, "Miss Le Gallienne, you are the most beautiful person in the world. Miss Le Gallienne, I want you for my wife."
"All right," answered Eva, "Bring her around. Maybe I can use her."
160
While dusting the statuary in a sculptors studio, the maid accidentally knocked over one of the male figures, breaking off the prick. She quickly pasted it back on, but when the sculptor returned he immediately noticed what had happened.
"How did you notice it?" asked the maid.
"I had it hanging down and you made it stick up," he replied.
"That's the only way I ever saw them," said the maid.
161
A messenger boy had delivered some flowers to Marlene Dietrich's dressing room
and took the opportunity to tell her how beautiful he thought she was.
"Thank you," said Marlene, "But run along now, I must get undressed."
She proceeded to undress and after some time she turned around to find the boy still in the room, staring at her.
She handed him a quarter and said, "Run along now little boy."
When she was completely nude, she turned around to find the little fellow still there. "You had better run along now, I hear somebody coming."
"Miss Dietrich," he replied, "You have marvellous hearing. That's me."
66 ANECDOTA'
162
An old man, plodding feebly along the street, met a little girl who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, little girl?" he asked.
Still sobbing, the girl replied:
"I want one of those things like my brother's got, that sticks out and lies down and sticks out again !"
The old man began to cry too.
163
On a dark rainy night the door of the Chelsea Hotel opened with a bang and a gargantuan male figure strode up to the desk clerk and demanded in a hoarse voice. "I gotta have a room." The clerk informed him, that the hotel was crowded and this would be an impossibility. The ire of the man overcame
him and, pounding his fist on the desk, breaking a piece off, he cried in a heated voice, "I gotta have a room." The clerk was frightened and finally appeased the man by remembering a double room that was half occupied. He requested the tenant to permit the renting of half the room, to which the latter acquiesced, and the ponderous visitor was thus accommodated.
The bed, now doing double service, remained quiet for a while, until a grunting from one of the occupants disturbed it, and a bated breath murmured, "Turn over." The bed shook, with the execution of this movement. "Take down your pajamas," came the next command. Then the huge shadow of the intruder could be seen on the wall, with a mighty ten inch joy prong outlined on the wall, as stiff as the mustache on an Tasmanian wombat. This huge instrument disappeared a quarter of the way into the distended rectum of the unfortunate bed companion, and a question was asked, "Is that all right?"
The quavering answer came back, "I guess-s so." A thrust, and one half had disappeared.
"How's that? O.K.?"
To which a drawn out wail, answered, "I guess-s-s so."
A huge push, a startled shriek, and the triumphant question, "I guess that's O.K. now?"
The answer came in gurgling response, "I ghec gho."
AMERICANA 67
164
Lady Astor was taking a golf lesson from the pro at St. Andrews, Scotland. She took a stance and he said to her, "Ay, my lady, ye'll get nowhere, standing like that. Ye must put your feet furrther aparrt."
Lady Astor moved her feet apart. Jock shook his head and said sadly, "That'll never do in the worrld. Put them furrther aparrt."
A second time she did. Again he shook his head "Lady Astor, Lady Astor, will ye listen to me ?
Put your feet furrther aparrt! Ye'll never hit a ball in the worrld like that."
Lady Astor looked at him and said, "Jock, Jock you men are all alike."
165
"What are those funny looking things you've got strung around the wall?" asked
the fairy as he entered the doctor's office.
"Those are petrified cunts. My hobby is collecting them and what you see here is the result of much searching and expense on my part," answered the physician.
The fairy then went to each petrified cunt, wet his finger, rubbed it on each specimen and put it to his lips. After doing this to the entire collection, he turned to the doctor and said, "I'm sorry to tell you you've been cheated. Someone included two ass holes on you, one a nigger's and the other a Chinaman's."
166
A travelling salesman riding through the south, picked up a young woman on the train. On propositioning her, he found that she was unwell, but when she retired that night, he crept into her berth anyway.
He woke with a start the following morning, dressed hurriedly, ran to the
platform and inquired of a small negro boy: "What station is this?"
"Birmingham, sah, who hit you in de mouf?" answered the boy.
167
"Mornin', Zenobia."
"Morning Rastus."
"Where yo' gwine?"
"I'se gwine to get bread."
"Bred to who?"
68 ANECDOTA
168
Will Rogers had just been married and was spending the first night with his wife at a small hotel. She noticed that as he removed each of his garments, he very carefully put them on a shelf in the closet. Hat, spurs, boots and everything else were tucked snugly on the shelf and the door carefully locked. His wife was led to inquire the mean
