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FOR MEN ONLY!
DIRTY JOKES
Privately Printed For Private
Circulation
EROTICA BIBLION SOCIETY OF LONDON AND NEW
YORK
IN APPRECIATION
Here lies the amorous Fanny Hicks,
The
scabbard of ten thousand pricks;
And if you wish to do her honor —
Pull out your
cock, jerk off upon her.
AT A Greenwich Village Ball a young woman
presented herself entirely without clothes. The doorman stopped her, with these
words: "Miss, this is supposed to be a costume ball. Now we don't mind how few
clothes you have on, but you are supposed to represent something." The young
woman retired to the ladies' dressing room, and shortly after reappeared with
nothing on save a pair of black shoes and black gloves. The doorman again
stopped her. "You're just as bad as you were before," he said, "what are you
supposed to be?"
"Can't you see?" the girl asked,
"I'm the five of spades."
A man engaged a prostitute and throughout their
night's tryst he kept exclaiming: "Phooey! Phooey!" The girl became offended at
this apparent slur on her professional ability, and when her part of the bargain
had been concluded, she asked, "Why did you keep saying 'Phooey'? Wasn't I good
enough for you?" "Don't get me wrong," the guy said quickly. "YOU were fine.
When i said 'Phooey,' I was thinking of my wife."
There was a young Royal
Marine,
Who tried to fart "God save the
Queen."
When he reached the
soprano
Out came the guano, And his breeches
weren't fit to be seen.
THE story is told of a clerk who married
and spent a pleasant honeymoon with his bride. But one day he came to the office
with a rather glum expression on his face. When his fellow clerks asked him what
was the trouble he said: "Gee, I pulled a terrible boner this morning. Getting
out of bed, I, like an absent-minded jackass, laid down a five-dollar bill on
the table." The other men consoled him. His wife wouldn't think anything of it,
they assured him.
"That isn't what bothers me," he answered. "She gave
me three dollars change!"
A man recently took a girl to a big store
on a Friday afternoon to buy her a fur coat. He insisted on the finest. A $5,000
fox wasn't good enough. Up and up the price went until it stopped at a $20,000
mink. The girl almost swooned over the man's devotion, and naturally grew very
loving.
The man then told the salesman, "I'm sure
you want to check my credit. As it's too late now, I suggest you do it Monday
morning and then I'll pick up the coat."
On Monday morning, the store checked and
found the man's credit couldn't be worse. Just then the man walked in. As the
salesman started to tell him his credit was worthless, he smiled and said, "Yes,
I know. I just dropped in to thank you for a wonderful weekend."
The chemistry professor was lecturing his
class on the experimental phase of science. "In the pursuance of your studies
and experiments, students, there are two things that are absolutely necessary —
courage and observation. Now here is a glass of fluid. I am about to make an
interesting test on you. This fluid is urine. As you note, I'm putting my finger
into the fluid, then to my lips. Now, I want every one of you to follow my
example." The class shuddered, but one by one they stepped up to the desk, stuck
a finger into the glass then applied the finger to their lips. When they were
all finally seated again, the professor smiled, and said: "I give you all 100
per cent in courage; but complete failure in observation. If you had noted
carefully, you would have seen that it was one finger I put into the glass and
another which I put to my lips. Class dismissed."
HINKEY DINKEY
PARLEZ-VOUS
The French they are a peculiar race.
Parlez-vous?
The French they are a peculiar race.
Parlez-vous?
The French they are a peculiar race.
They
piss with their feet and fuck with their face.
Hinkey dinkey
parlez-vous.
Oh madam, oh madam, have you fine wine
Fit for a Doughboy from the line?
And pray have you a daughter fine
Fit for
a Doughboy from the line?
So up the stairs and into
bed.
The French girl lost her
maidenhead.
The first three months she took it well
And then she began to swell like hell.
The second three months kept up the swell
And then she began to grunt like hell.
The third three months kept up the grunt
And a little marine jumped out of her cunt.
***
On the night before the wedding, Junior
confessed to his father that he didn't know what to do to his bride. His dad
said, "That's no problem. When you get to your room, call me on the telephone,
and I'll give you step-by-step instructions." So the boy called and asked what
to do first. His father told him, "Undress the bride," The boy said, "OK, I've
undressed her, what's next?" The old man instructed, "Now stick it in her."
Junior replied, "It's done, Dad . . . what next?" So the father said, "Now
come, son." Junior turned to his bride and whispered, "I'll be right back
. . . Papa is calling me!"
He heard that a friend of his had passed away and
felt he should pay his respects. Unwittingly he walked into the wrong house.
There, in the living room, were six men sitting around. Imagining that he was in
the right place, he sat down too. Just then, a beautiful, nude girl came into
the room, undressed him and started making love to him. After fifteen minutes,
he said, "It's been nice visiting you, dear. But let's hope next time we can
meet under happier circumstances."
***
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who
said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance
Found the girl at
her aunt's
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
***
The man about town picked up a hot little
number, not realizing she was a Certified Public Nymphomaniac, and took her to a
motel. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the seventh, almost
exhausted, he slipped put of the room on the pretense of getting cigarettes. He
stopped in the Men's Room, unbuttoned one fly button, and couldn't see anything.
He undid a second button, and still couldn't see it. He unbuttoned three, and
four . . . still nothing. In a panic, he reached inside his shorts. It-was still
there, but all drawn up. Suddenly, the light dawned and he knew what his problem
was. In a soothing voice, he whispered, "It's all right . . . you can come out
now. She's not here!"
No Balls at All
Oh, come all ye laddies and listen to me,
And I'll tell you a tale that will fill you with glee;
Of a pretty young maiden
so fair and so tall,
Who married a man who had no balls at all!
CHORUS
No balls at all; no halls at
all;
She married a man who had no balls at
all!
The night of the wedding she crept into
bed;
Her cheeks were so rosy, her ass was so red.
She reached for his penis, his
penis was small;
She reached for his balls, but he'd no balls at
all!
"Oh, Mother! Oh, Mother! Oh,what shall I
do?
I've married a man who's unable to screw.
My troubles are many, my pleasures
are small,
For I've married a man who has no balls at all!"
"Oh, daughter! Oh, daughter! Do not be so
sad;
The same thing was true when I married your dad.
But there's always a good
man awaiting the call
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at
all!"
This very wise daughter took mother's
advice;
She got herself laid by a man who seemed nice.
And a queer looking
bastard was born in the fall,
To the wife of the man who had no balls at
all!
A married college man, majoring in
Consumer Science, told his 4-year-old son, "Go find your mother." The kid hunted
around and discovered her in the bathroom, taking a douche. He ran back to his
father, all agog, and chirped, "Daddy, Mommy's found a new way to eliminate the
middleman! She's upstairs giving her wee-wee a drink of water!"
***
There was a young fellow named Dead-eye
Dick,
Who was cursed from birth with a corkscrew prick.
His life was spent in an
aimless hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew cunt.
But when he found her, the guy dropped
dead
For the goddam thing had a left-hand thread.
***
An elephant escaped from the circus and
got into the garden of a lady who, strange as it seems, had never seen an
elephant before. The lady phoned the police and complained that a terrible
looking animal was pulling up her vegetables with its tail, and for them to come
over and get it out of there. The officer inquired over the phone, "Just what
kind of an animal is it, madam?" "I don't know," replied the lady, "but it's
very big, and it has a tail on both ends."
"What is the animal doing with the
vegetables that it pulls up with its tail?" continued the inquiring
cop.
"Just what that animal is doing with
those vegetables," returned the frightened woman, "I won't tell you; and if I
did you wouldn't believe me, anyway. You'll have to come out and see for
yourself!"
TWO young movie actresses from Hollywood
met in the studio during the lunch rest period, and one complained to the other
that she had been troubled for quite a time with vermin. "How can I get rid of
them?" she asked.
"Just rub in some Paris green," said her friend,
"that'll kill 'em".
A week or so later on they again
met, and the first girl asked the other: "Did you get the Paris green?"
"Yes," said the afflicted one.
"Did it kill the lice?"
"Yep, and a couple of directors too."
***
One of London's "ladies of the evening," picked up an
American tourist in Picadilly Circus. She took him to her rooms, promptly
undressed" and got into bed. He, too, got out of his clothes but left on his
shoes. "Come now," she said, "we can't have that. Take off your shoes." "What,"
shot back the American, "and maybe catch athlete's foot?"
***
A teenage boy was asked to define the
difference between tragedy, calamity, and disaster. He explained, "It's a
tragedy if her folks make you marry a girl you knocked up; it's a
calamity if they make you marry one who got knocked up at a gang bang you
were in. A disaster is when they make you marry a girl who got knocked up
at a gang bang, and you were not even there."
***
There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who
tried to write "Cunt" on a shutter.
He had got to "C-U-"
When a pious Hindu
Knocked him arse over
tip in the gutter.
***
LIFE'S irony: One night with Venus. Six
months with Mercury.
It was late at night when the doorbell rang and the
Madam wearily slipped on a kimono and went to the door. She was surprised to be
confronted by a man with both arms and both legs in plaster casts. "I'd like a
woman," he said. "Look," she replied compassionately, "why don't you just go
home. It's late and I'd like to get some sleep."
"I'd like a woman," he repeated. "Let's be
realistic," she said pointedly. "What could you do with a woman in your
condition?" "Listen, lady," he replied, "I rang the bell, didn't
I?"
***
A cigar-smoking man goes to a
psychologist's office and states that he needs help in breaking his habit of
chain-smoking cigars. The psychologist asks where the man keeps his supply of
cigars, and the man exposes a vestpocket full of cigars.
The psychologist instructs the man to
remove one cigar from his vestpocket and to insert it in his anus. The man
followed instructions. The psychologist said that he should smoke that cigar
next, replace it with another cigar and continue the procedure of smoking the
cigar from his anus and inserting another cigar into his anus. The man gagged on
the cigars and began to lose his taste for cigars.
Two weeks later, the same man appeared at
the psychologist's office without a cigar in his mouth, and said, "I need help
in breaking a new habit". "What is.it this time?", queried the psychologist. The
man replied, "shoving cigars up my ass!"
The Long Beach band was doing its best,
when someone called the piccolo player a bastard. The leader's baton beat a
tattoo on his music stand and the players became silent. He turned to the
audience. "Who called my piccolo player a bastard ?" he demanded. A voice in the
rear of the crowd yelled back: "Who called that bastard a piccolo
player?"
A country minister was preaching a sermon
on adultery. He was aware, he stated, that the footsteps of some of his own
brethren had slipped and were making calls on the wives of neighbors. One of his
congregation suddenly got up and started out of the church. The minister asked
him why he was leaving so suddenly; and was it because he was embarrassed and
self-conscious about the sermon. "No," replied the man, "it's not the sermon, I
just remembered where I left my umbrella last week!"
***
Then there was the prospective client who was
extremely chagrined as he critically appraised his girl for the
night.
"Girl?" he barked. "Girl?!? You must have spent your
girlhood entertaining the Colonial Troops." "Please!" the veteran prostitute
replied with dignity." "Remember; mine is the oldest profession." "I know," he
moaned, "but I'll be damned if I'll spend the night with a charter
member."
***
Auditions are being held for a T.V.
variety show. A man shows up and claims that he can sing through his ass. The
producer is impressed with the uniqueness of the talent, and he asks the man to
demonstrate.
The man drops his trousers and shorts,
and then he proceeds to move his bowels on the floor.
The producer screams out, "What the hell
are you doing?"
The man meekly replies, "I'm clearing my
throat."
A group of one hundred freshmen from an] upstate
college each contributed $2 to the kitty. When the money was collected, they
drew lots to see which one would have the pleasure of visiting the town's famous
call girl who charged $200 a visit. That night the winner, a pimply faced youth
named Homer, went to her boudoir and handed her the money. "That's a huge sum of
money for a college boy to have," she told him. He explained the entire
situation to her, telling her how all the boys had drawn lots to see who would
have the honor of partaking in her favors.
She was touched by the story. "I'm going to do
something that I've never done before," she told him. "I'm going to give you
back your money." Then she gave him back his $2.
***
There was an old man of Madrid,
Who cast
loving eyes on a kid.
He said: "Oh, my joy!
I'll buggar that boy,
see if I don't" — and he
did.
***
I'm tired of Whiskey,
I'm tired of Gin,
I'm tired of bad company;
I'm tired of sin.
I'm tired of dancing, especially
"Truckin';"
And after last night; boy ... am I tired!
AN OLD man had a set of monkey glands
installed in his system and shortly therefter was married. In due time his wife
came to labor, and the good old man waited outside the room, eagerly. Finally
the doctor stuck his head outside the door and the husband besieged him. "What
is it?" he begged, "a boy or a girl?"
"Don't be so goddam
impatient," the doctor said. "Wait till it comes down off the chandelier and
I'll tell you."
***
RED WING
There once was an Indian
maid,
Who was a whore by trade.
For a dime at a whack,
She'd lie on her back,
And let the cowboys shove it up her
crack.
One day to her surprise,
Her belly began to rise.
Her cunt gave a grunt
And out jumped a runt
With his balls between his
eyes.
***
A BROADWAY actor stranded in Los Angeles
stopped before a flower shop bearing one of those signs that flowers can be
telegraphed anywheres. He went in, sought out the proprietor, and asked: "Is it
really true that you can telegraph flowers anywhere?"
"Sure, it's true. Can't you
read?"
"Very well, then," said the desperate
actor, "you can telegraph me right back to New York. I'm a
pansy."
***
IT IS told
of a certain well known
crooner, that a squirrel ran up his leg and starved to death.
Little Audrey had a new baby
brother.
One day as the nurse was changing
brother's diaper, little Audrey who was watching looked down and pointed, —
"What's that, nurse?"
"Oh, that's nothing," said the nurse.
"Now you just stand there and watch brother while I get a clean diaper. Don't
you dare touch him."
After a moment or so, the nurse returned
and noticed that little Audrey had a devilish look in her eyes. "Audrey, what
have you done?"
"Nothing, replied Audrey, "But I know it
ain't a whistle cause I blowed it!"
The stranger was evidently confused, not
knowing which ferry-boat to get on. He finally tapped an overdressed young man
on the shoulder, and inquired: "Is this a Fort Lee Ferry?"
"Oh, gracious, no!" was the lady-like
reply. "I'm from Jersey City!"
There was a young girl of Baroda,
Who
built a new kind of pagoda.
The walls of its halls
Were hung with the balls.
And the tools
of the fools that bestrode her.
***
A politician was campaigning in Oklahoma
and visited an Indian Reservation to make a speech. "If I'm elected", he said,
"I'll have a new school built here". The Indians responded, "Unya! Unya!" "If
I'm elected, I'll have a new hospital built here", the politician continued. The
Indians again responded with an enthusiastic, "Unya! Unya!" The politician was
impressed with the crowd's reaction, and he continued, "If I'm elected, I'll
have a new highway built near here". Once again, the Indians responded with
"Unya!"
After the speech, the leaders of the
tribe took the smiling politician on a tour of the Reservation. As they passed
the stables, an Indian warned the politican, "Don't step in the
unya".
***
BORN IN A
WHOREHOUSE
Born in a whorehouse, raised like a
slave,
Fighting and fucking are all that I crave.
Smashing in windows, breaking
down doors,
Calling old ladies chicken-shit whores.
Little old lady, bring me a
toddy;
I want to go out, and fuck everybody.
Beautiful hooker, lay down for me,
Since I'm your pimp, I'll do it for free.
The Great Wheel
A man told me before he died—
And I'll
never know if the bastard lied—
About his wife who cried and cried
That she'd
been never satisfied.
So he built a great big fucking
wheel,
A monstrous thing with a prick of
steel;
Had two brass balls, all filled with
cream,
And the whole friggin' riggin' was driven
by steam.
Round and round spun that great big
wheel;
And in and out drove that prick of steel;
In and out of that lady's muff,
Until she cried, "Enough! Enough!"
But now we come to the bitter bit:
There
was no way of stopping it!
And she began to scream and yell,
But the goddamn
thing was bent for hell!
Round and round that wheel did
spin,
And drove that prick both out and
in.
And she was split from ass to
tit,
And the whole friggin' riggin' was
covered with shit!
A patron enters a saloon, obviously in
great distress. "Quick, quick", he says to the barman, "where's the toilet?"
"Upstairs, all the way in the back, take the second flight of stairs past the
trapdoor, to the attic, across the catwalk to a small door, leads to the roof,
across the next building, third floor, you can't miss it."
The patron runs upstairs, heads toward
back, realizes he can't make it, and sees hole in the floor. "They'll never
know", he says to himself, hopefully, drops his trousers and relieves himself
copiously into the hole. He goes downstairs, much relieved, and finds the saloon
in absolute shambles; patrons retching while they try to clean themselves; a
foul odor all over the place; filth and slime completely covering everything in
sight. "My God", said the man, "what happened?"
"Where", says the bartender, "were you
when the shit hit the fan?"
***
There was a young lady at sea,
Who
complained that it hurt her to pee.
Said the brawny old mate:
"That accounts for
the fate
Of the cook, and the captain, and
me."
***
Sophomore Suzie's mother walked into the
living room, found a horde of teenagers writhing on the floor, and exclaimed,
"Well, I never!" Suzie shouted, "Then don't be bashful, take off your clothes
and try. In these particular positions, any number can play!"
There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose
balls were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all;
The other took
numerous prizes.
***
When Johnnie hurt his finger, his mother
kissed it and said: "There, there, now, Johnny boy, it will feel better now."
Later in the day, when he cried that he had bumped his nose, and again, when he
fell and hurt his head, his mother had comforted him in the same way. But when
he came running to his mother for the fourth time and rather shame-facedly
complained that he was hurt this time in a more intimate part of his anatomy,
she became indignant, and scolded: "Now, get out of here, Johnnie, I'll be
darned if you're not getting like your father every day!
"
Pat McGroin walked into the office one
morning, handed Dick Nibbler a cigar, and announced proudly, "My wife had
a baby boy last night." Dick replied, "That's great . . . who's the lucky
father?" Pat grabbed Dick by the scruff of the neck and hollered, "Why, you
ungrateful lump! Here my wife has made me the happiest man on earth. I try to
share my happiness by giving you a free smoke, and you want to spoil it all by
asking who's the father!" Dick said calmly, "Gee, I'm sorry, Pat ... I figured
you knew."
***
Thus spake the King of Siam:
"For women I
don't care a damn.
But a fat-bottomed boy
Is my pride and my joy —
They call me
a buggar: I am."
***
Then up spake the Bey of Algiers:
"I am
old and well stricken in years,
And my language is blunt;
But a cunt is
a cunt,
:
And fucking is fucking" —
(loud
cheers)
***
Then up spake the young King of Spain
"To
fuck and to buggar is pain.
But it's not infra dig
On occasion to frig,
And I do it again and again."
ONE OF the most popular of the many
Lincoln stories is concerned with the visit to the Emancipator of a man named
Bates, who brought his family.
Permit me, Mr. President," he began,
"to introduce my wife, Mrs. Bates, and my daughter, Miss Bates. My young son,
Master Bates."
"Indeed", said Lincoln. "But why boast about
it?"
***
A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel
when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called
"glad-eye." In a casual manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had
known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and
Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and
informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his
bill for $250. "There's a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only
three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "but your wife has been
here a month."
***
There was a young lady named Skinner,
Who
dreamt that her lover was in her.
She woke with a start,
And let a loud fart,
Which was followed
by luncheon and dinner.
***
"I'VE GOT a good joke on you, Mike,"
said one Irishman, to another. "I wus goin' by yer house t' other night and you
fergot to pull down yer shades. I could see yer shadow from the street, kissin'
yer wife. I had a good laugh."
"The joke's on you, Tim," said the
other, "I wasn't home last night."
A CHAP was rowing down the Thames on
Sunday when he lost one of his oars and drifted out to midstream. He tried to
paddle with the other but found it difficult. Just then, coming downstream he
noticed a boat with a man and two women in it, all rowing.
"I say," he shouted across the water,
"lend me one of your oars."
The other man
looked up indignantly. "They're not 'ores," he protested. "They're me mother and
sister."
***
There are so many feather beds,
So many
little maidenheads,
There's practically no excuse
For sodomy or
self-abuse.
***
Young John Dunn leaves Ireland to seek
his fortune in America. He writes to his mother, saying that he is well and is
living in a small white house in Vermont.
When another lad leaves for America, Mrs.
Dunn asks him to look for John. He is walking through the countryside in Vermont
and approaches a small wooden white house with a half-moon on the door. The lad
approaches the house and calls out, "Are you Dunn?" A voice from within the
house replies, "No, but I will be in a minute".
***
A WOMAN had just been delivered of a child, and the doctor brought out the infant, swathed in a cloth.
"What is it?" asked an inquisitive relative, running her hand up under the
cloth. "Ah, a boy."
"Boy nothing," said the doctor. "Let go my
finger!"
There was a young student of John's,
Who
wanted to buggar the swans.
But the loyal hall-porter
Said: "Pray take my
daughter!
The birds are reserved for the dons."
***
The Shithouse
Rag
Sam! Sam! The Shithouse Man!
Superintendent of the crappery can.
Picks up the papers,
Folds up the towels,
Listens to the music of
The movement of the bowels.
Flip! Flop!
Hear them
drop!
Whoops! — That's the Shithouse Rag!
***
Two girls met on Hollywood Boulevard and
exchanged greetings. "What are you doing now? asked one. "Oh, I've got a swell
job, was the answer. "I get in at noon, do very little work, the boss takes me
for lunch, and then for a drive in the afternoon. In the evening, usually, we
have dinner at a road house. "What're you doing, honey?" "Oh, me, I'm a whore
too," answered the other.
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Who
was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she: "Stop your plumbing:
There's somebody
coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing: "It's me."
***
Some practical jokers decide to play a
sad joke on the local dimwit. One of the jokesters had a pet monkey, to whom he
gives a cork and instructions. That night, while the dimwit is asleep, the
monkey climbs through the window and inserts the cork into the dimwit's
anus.
Unaware of the presence of the cork, the
dimwit has not had a bowel movement for several weeks, and his torso is
swelling. The jokers confront the dimwit with questions about his general
health. When he tells of his discomfort and swelling, the jokers suggest that he
may be pregnant. Much to their surprise, the dimwit is delighted at the idea and
goes around telling people of the forthcoming blessed event.
The jokers realize that the joke has gone
too far, and the monkey is given new instructions. That night, while the dimwit
is asleep, the monkey once again enters the bedroom via the window. He takes a
firm grip on the cork and pulls. The released excrement and gas cause a loud,
forceful blast; the room is splattered, and the monkey is dazed.
The blast awakens the dimwit, who sees
the monkey. He cradles the monkey in his arms and says, "You're a hairy little
fella, and you're full of shit, but you're mine, all mine".
There was a young girl of Pitlochry,
Who
was had by a man in a rockery.
She said: "Oh! You've come A
ll over my
bum;
This isn't a fuck — it's a mockery."
***
The husband dejectedly entered his
home
and told his wife that the doctor had
informed him that he must stop working
immediately.
She took the news calmly and said, "Well, dear, you've
supported rne now for 42 years. The least I can
do
is go out, get a job and take care of
you for a change."
"You're 68 years old," he said. "What can you do?"
"I'll find a way to bring home a
dollar," she replied.
Three days later she returned home and gave her husband $60.10.
"How did you make all this money in three days?" he asked.
"I became a prostitute."
"At your age?" he shouted.
"Why not? I'm entitled!"
"But you made such an odd amount, $60.10. Who gave you the 10c?"
"Everybody."
***
A young bridal couple went to a local
hotel on their wedding night; the next morning the bride's closest girl friend
telephoned her, to ask how married life agreed with her. "Oh, Marge," she
replied, "I'm just awfully tired, dead tired. All night long it was up and down;
in and out; up and down, in and out! Don't ever get a room next to an
elevator!"
An aged Chinese servant proudly displayed
to his employer pictures he had just received from China, of a very nice
looking Chinese girl and two babies; his wife and two sons he boasted. "Are you
kidding?" cried his puzzled employer. "You've been in this country for the last
twenty years." "Yes, yes, me know," explained the oriental, "but me got velly
good fliend in China!"
***
Trying to impress their dinner guests, a
couple hire a cook for the evening. Before the guests arrive, the hostess
instructs the cook, "When the guests are here, don't forget to say, "Yes, ma'm"
and "No, ma'm" and "Ma'm, if you please". Early in the evening, the cook enters
the room full of guests and loudly asks the hostess, "Yes, ma'm, No, ma'm, Ma'm,
if you please, In the ass of the turkey, Should I put the green
peas?"
***
There was a young lady of Louth,
Who
returned from a trip In the South.
Her father said: "Nelly,
There's more in your
belly
Than ever went in at your mouth."
***
No, Sylvester, "Blood, Sweat & Tears"
is not a song about a woman at the Kotex machine with only a bent dime . . .
IN order to start a small bank account
for his wife, Brown agreed to give her fifty cents every time she favored
him. Mrs. Brown always dropped the money into a small safe she kept in her
closet. At the end of the year the box was opened, to see how much money the
lady would be able to put into the bank. Brown was amazed to see a number of
one, five, and ten dollar bills among his halves. "Here," he said, "I only gave
you a fifty cent piece each time. How did you get these big bills?" "Do you
think everybody is as stingy as you?" Mrs. Brown answered.
***
Two sailors were walking down the street in a strange
town when a girl stuck her head out of a doorway and shouted; "Come
in, fellows and I'll give you something you've never had before." One
sailor looked at the other and said: "Run like hell. She's got
leprosy."
***
HIGH ABOVE A PI PHI'S
GARTER
High above a Pi Phi's garter,
High above
her knee,
Lies the key to Pi Phi success,
Her virginity.
Once she had it,
Now she's lost it,
It is gone for good.
She goes down for all the
brothers,
Like a Pi Phi should.
Lift her dress,
But
do it gently;
Lay her on the grass.
Often are the times I've dreamed of
A piece
of Pi Phi ass.
The boss sheepishly admitted to his
secretary, "I'm going to have to ask you to resign, so I can get some work done.
When you're around, all I do is think about your big bountiful bosoms and wish I
had my mouth on one." The girl replied calmly, "I can take care of that
problem." She reached inside her blouse, pulled out a pair of falsies, and
tossed them in the waste basket. He stared at the curvy counterfeits, dropped
his false teeth on top of them, and muttered, "Nibble away, you horny
bastards."
***
There was a young girl of Penzance,
Who
boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked her,
Likewise the conductor;
The driver shot off in his pants.
***
The minister was asking his congregation to donate as
much money as :hey possibly could for the new church. Suddenly the town's Lady
of the evening spoke up and said, "Reverend, I'd like to donate twenty-five
hundred dollars!" The minister replied, "As much as we need funds, I refuse to
accept tainted money." A male voice in the back of the church shouted out, "Take
it, Reverend. It's our money anyway,"
A NEGRO spiritualist meeting was in
progress. The leader had just finished expounding his sermon, and he called to
his sweltering, panting audience: "We will now have de pussonal paht ob de
progam. Is thah any among de bredren that has had some connection wid ghosts?
Dis am de experience paht ob de meetin'. Again ah asks, is thah any among de
bredren that has had anything to do with a ghost?"
A small darky in
the rear of the auditorium raised his hand.
"Ah has," he said, in a
small voice.
"Step dis way, brudder, step dis way," the leader
shouted. Then as the weazened little darky approached the rostrum he called "Now
tell de bredren just what has been yo experience with a ghost."
"I beg yo pahdon," said the little negro, "Ah thought you said 'goat'."
***
Old man walking out of a House of III Repute: "Boy,
that's what I call a business," he said. "You got it, you sell it, and you still
got it."
***
There was a young lady called Wylde,
Who
kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of
having a child.
***
THEY tell of a student who got married to
a well known divorcee. In sending him off on his honeymoon, the class kidded him
on the superior knowledge of his spouse, and asked him to let them know how he
got along. After a few days they got the following wire: "Flunked all the tests
but French."
There was a young man of Australia,
Who
painted his bum like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour divine,
The scent — ah! that
was a failure.
***
A snoopy social worker investigating
conditions in a New York tenement, stopped a ragged neglected-looking youngster
and asked him where his mother lived. "Ain't got none," replied the child. "Then
tell me, where does your father live?" "Ain't got none," came the
reply.
She then asked: "Are both your father and
mother dead?" . "Never had any," was the reply.
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the
lady.
"Oh," said the urchin, "some damned
racketeer played a dirty trick on my aunt!"
***
The girl was late for church, and was
trying to hurry as fast as she could. In her haste, just as she came to the
church, she stumbled and fell on the steps. A lady was coming out just then, and
helped ,the fallen girl to her feet.
"Oh! Is Mass out?" queried the late one
as she got up.
"No," replied the kind lady. "And your
dress is only torn a little!"
THE telephone in the gas company's office
jangled. A frantic woman's voice complained to the clerk: "My gas is out. I've
had to use a candle for two days. Send a man up right away!"
***
"WHY do policemen have more balls than
firemen?' "They sell more tickets."
***
There was an old Abbot of Khief,
Who
thought the Impenitent Thief
Had bollocks of brass,
And an amethyst arse.
He died in this
awful belief.
***
The boss, while looking over a salesman's expense
account came across this item, "Twenty dollars for girls." He called the
salesman into his office and said, "I don't mind you enjoying yourself but that
twenty dollars for girls doesn't look good on the sheet. You should use a code."
For the next four weeks the expense account came in with this item, "Twenty
dollars for hunting." The next week it read, "Two hundred dollars to get rifle
cleaned."
***
A CUSTOMER who ordered a rubber in a drug
store was asked if he wanted one that was guaranteed. "Sure," he answered, "but
what does the guarantee do?"
"Well," said the clerk, "that's to keep
it from breaking within a week. Of course if it does, why, er, . . . the
guarantee runs out. . . ."
I dined with the Duchess of
Lee,
Who asked: "Do you fart when you
pee?"
I said with some wit:
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it
was one up to me.
***
WHAT'S Gerty Brown doing now? I
hear she was down and out."
"Oh, no, Gerty's all right now. You see
she's taken it into her head to make a living."
***
The son meets his father coming out of a house of
ill-repute. "Pa," he said, "You? In a place like this?" The old man looked at
him and replied, "I'll tell you the truth, son; I refuse to argue with your
mother for five dollars."
***
A PROFESSOR of botany was lecturing to a
girl's class. "This twig, you will notice," said he, "is composed of bark,
hardwood, and pith. Of course you know what pith is."
The class
started at him blankly. "Don't you know what pith is?" the professor repeated.
"You, Miss Brown, you know what pith is, do you not?"
"Yeth, thir,"
said Miss Brown.
***
Epitaph
Here lies Anna Grant,
For her death holds no terrors:
Born a
virgin, died a virgin,
No hits, no runs, no
errors.
