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001 Barnacle Bill The Sailor
002 Bestiality's Best
003 Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends
004 Bill Bailey
005 Black Velvet Band
006 Boy Meets Girl
007 Brother Johnny
008 Bye, Bye, Blackbird
009 By The Light
010 Cal Drinking Song
011 Can You Walk A Little Way With It In?
012 Cathusalem
013 Cats On The Rooftop
014 Charlotte The Harlot
015 Charlotte The Harlot Lay Dying
016 Christopher Columbo
017 Christopher Robin
018 Clementine
019 Cockles and Mussels
020 Courtin' in The Kitchen
021 Court of The Horny Five Sweetheart Song
022 Daisy
023 Darkie Sunday School
024 Diamond Lily
025 Did You Ever See
026 Dont Say No
027 Do Yours Hang Low?
028 Eskimo Nell
029 Eyes Right
030 Fa La La
031 Fanny Bay
032 Farmer's Daughter
033 Fuck Him
034 Gentlemen Should Please Refrain
035 Glorious Beer
036 Harlequin's Lament
038 He's Dirt Bastard
039 His Father Was A Eunuch
040 Hitler Has Only Got One Ball
041 Hold'Em Down You Zulu Warrior
042 I Don't Know What His Name Is
043 I Don't Want To Join The Army
044 I Don't Wanna Talk About It
045 If I Were The Marrying Kind
046 I Love My Wife
047 I'm A Gentleman Of Leisure, Of Nobility, And Pleasure
048 I'm Your Mailman
049 Incest Time In Texas
050 In Duluth
051 Inside Those Red Plush Breeches
052 In The Shade Of The Old Apple Tree
053 It's The Same The Whole World Over
054 I Used To Work In Chicago
055 Ivan Scavinsky Scavar
056 Jack And Jill
057 Jesus Saves
058 John Peel
059 Jonestown
060 Knockers
061 Let Me Call You Sweetheart
062 Life Presents A Dismal Picture
063 Lil
064 Dinah Dinah Show us your leg
065 Lupe
066 Lydia Pinkham
067 Maggie May
068 Masturbation
069 Men
070 Miss Milly
071 Monte Carlo
072 Mrs. Murphy
073 My God How The Money Rolls In
074 My Old Man
075 Nelli 'Awkins
076 Nelly Cartwright
077 No Balls At All
078 Old King Cole
079 Once There Was A Servant Girl Whose Name Was Mary Jane
080 O'Reilly's Daughter
081 O Unhappy Bella
082 Poor Little Angeline
083 Pubic Hair
084 Put On Your Bustle
085 Queen Of All The Fairies
086 Red Flag
087 Ring The Bell Verger
088 Rip My Knickers Away
089 Sing us another one do
090 Roll Me Over In The Clover
091 Roller, Roller
092 Roll Your Leg Over
093 Royal Marine
094 Rugby Alma Mater
095 Rule Britannia
096 Sambo Was A Lazy Coon
097 Seven Old Ladies
098 She Went For A Ride In A Morgan
099 Sit On My Face
100 Some Die Of Drinking Water
101 Sonia Snell
102 Stormy Weather, Boys
103 Sunshine Mountain
104 Sweet Violets
105 Swing-Low Sweet Chariot
106 Take Me Out For A Good Ball
107 Team Chant
108 The Alphabet Song
109 The Bachelor's Son
110 Balls To Your Partner
111 The Chastity Belt
112 The Church Song - Ding A Dong
113 The Country Gentleman
114 The Erection Factory
115 The Gang Bang Song
116 The Good Ship Venus
117 The Hairs On Her Dicki Di Do
118 The Harlot of Jerusalem
119 The Hole In The Elephant's Bottom
120 The Keyhole In The Door
121 The Kotex Factory
122 The Lobster
123 The Maid Of The Mountain Glen
124 The Minstrels Sing Of A Bastard King Of Many Long Years Ago
125 The Mole Catcher
126 The Monk Of Great Renown
127 The North Atlantic Squadron
128 The Portions Of The Female
129 The Puppy Song
130 The Rajah Of Astrakhan
131 The Ram Of Derbyshire
132 The Ring Dang Doo
133 The Rugby Tinker
134 There Was A Young Sailor
135 There Was A Priest, The Dirty Beast
136 The S&M Man
137 The Sexual Life Of A Camel
138 These Foolish Things
139 The Street Of A Thousand Arse Holes
140 The Tattooed Lady
141 The Tulagi Song
142 The Virgin Sturgeon
143 The Walrus And The Carpenter
144 The Wild Rover
145 The Wild West Show
146 The Woman Marine Hymn
147 They're Digging Up Dad's Remains
148 Those Old Red Flannel Drawers That Maggie Wore.
149 Three German Officers
150 Three Old Whores From Winnipeg
151 The Titanic
152 Trojan Is A Girl's Best Friend
153 Victory Song
154 We Are Warriors
155 When Lady Jane Became A Tart
156 Rhodean School
157 Why Was He Born So Beautiful?
158 Will You Marry Me?
159 Woodpecker Song
160 Working Down The Sewer
161 Yo Ho
162 You're A Grand Old Fag
163 You Expect Me
164 Young Roger Of Kildare
165 Your Spooning Days
166 Abortion
167 All The Nice Girls Love A Candle
168 Alouette
169 Anthony Claire
170 A Rugby Toast
171 As I Was Walking
172 A Song About Turds
173 A Toast To Beer
174 A Toast To Madge
175 A Toast To The Ladies
001 Barnacle Bill The Sailor
(Sung to the tune of "Barnacle Bill the Sailor")
WOMAN'S VOICE: Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Cried the fair young maiden.
MAN'S VOICE:
Oh, it's only me from across the sea.
Cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Why are you knocking at my door?
Why are you knocking at my door?
Why are you knocking at my door?
Cried the fair young maiden.
MAN'S VOICE:
'Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough.
Cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Will you take me to the dance?
To hell with the dance down with your pants.
You can sleep upon the floor.
I'll not sleep on the floor you dirty whore.
You can sleep upon the mat.
Oh, bugger the mat you can't fuck that.
You can sleep upon the stairs.
Oh, fuck the stairs they haven't got hairs.
What's that running up my blouse?
It's only me mitt to grab yer tit.
You can sleep between my tits.
Oh, bugger your tits they give me the shits.
You can sleep between my thighs.
Bugger your thighs they're covered in flies.
You can sleep within my cunt.
Oh, bugger your cunt but I'll fuck for a stunt.
What's that running in and out?
It's only me cock, it's as hard as a rock.
What's that running down my leg?
It's only me shot that missed yer twat.
What if my parents should find out?
We'll eat your ma and blow your pa.
What if my mother should disagree?
If yer ma'll agree we'll make it three.
What if we should get VD?
We'll pick the sores and fuck some more.
What if we should get the (clap!)?
Gotta be willin' to take penicillin.
What if I should have a child?
We'll drown the bugger and fuck for another.
What if we should have a girl?
We'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch.
What if we should have a boy?
He'll play rugby and fuck like me.
What'll we do when the baby's born
We'll drown the bugger and fuck for another.
What if you should go to jail?
I'll pick the lock with my ten-foot cock.
What if we should go to prison?
I'll swing my balls and knock down the walls.
002 Bestiality's Best
(Sung to the tune of "Wallaby Song")
CHORUS:Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's best.
Fuck a wallaby!
Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's best.
Fuck a wallaby!
Blow your rocks in an ox boys, blow your rocks in
an ox.
Fuck a wallaby!
Blow your rocks in an ox boys, blow your rocks in
an ox.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the spunk of a skunk boys, in the spunk of a
skunk.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the spunk of a skunk boys, in the spunk of a
skunk.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the rear of a deer boys, in the rear of a deer. Fuck a wallaby!
In the rear of a deer boys, in the rear of a deer. Fuck a wallaby!
003 Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends
(Sung to the tune of "Stars and Stripes Forever")
Be kind to your web-footed friends
For a duck may be somebody's mother
Be kind to your friends in the swamp
Where the weather is cool and damp
Now you may think that this is the end
Well it is.
004 Bill Bailey
(Sung to the tune of "Bill Bailey")
CHORUS: Rip roar a tie-tie-ay,
Rip roar a tie-tie-ay,
Rip roar a tie-tie.
Rip roar a tucky-tucky,
Rip roar a tucky-tucky-aaaay.
I saw Bill Bailey Out with the ladies
Under a starry sky
Then along came his wife
With a bloody great knife
And she chopped off the end Of his tooral-ly-ay, Hey!
Off to the courthouse
He was lumbered
Charged with adultery
But the charge wouldn't stick
For he hadn't a prick
Cause she chopped off the end
Of his tooral-ly-ay, Hey!
005 Black Velvet Band
(Sung to the tune of "Black Velvet Band")
CHORUS:Her eyes they shone like diamonds,
They call her the Queen of the land.
And her hair hung over her shoulders,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
In a neat little town they call Belfast,
Apprentice to trade I was found,
Many an hour sweet happiness,
Have I spent in this neat little town,
A sad misfortune came over me,
Which caused me to stray from the land,
Far away from my friends and relations,
Betrayed by the black velvet band.
I took a stroll down Broadway,
Meaning not long for to stay,
When who should I meet,
But this pretty fair maid,
Came a strolling along the highway,
She was both fair and handsome,
And her neck it was just like a swan,
And her hair it hung it over her shoulder,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
I took a stroll with this pretty fair maid,
And the gentleman passing us by,
Well I knew she meant the doing of him,
By the look in her roguish black-eye,
The gold watch she took from his pocket,
And placed it right into my hand,
And the very first thing that I said was,
Bad luck to the black velvet band.
006 Boy Meets Girl
Boy meets girl, holds her hand,
Visions of a promised land,
Tender words, cling and kiss,
Crafty feel, heavenly bliss,
Nibble nipples, squeeze thighs,
Gets a beat, feels a rise,
Eyes ablaze, drawers down,
Really starts to go to town,
Legs outspread, virgin lass,
Fanny foams like bottled Bass,
Ram it home, moans of joy,
Teenage love, girl meets boy,
Love's a jewel, pearls he's won,
Shoots his load, what's he done,
Comes the pay off, here's the rub,
He's got her in the pudding club,
Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap,
Love and cherish, all that crap,
A tubby turn, weighty gain,
Prams and nappies, labour pain,
Begins to realize what he did,
Nagging wife and screaming kid,
Sweats his prick off, works his stint;
Only pleasure is evening time,
When mattress creaks she's off again,
Can't forsake those sexy habits,
Breeding kids like bloody rabbits.
007 Brother Johnny
("Johnny" is replaced by the name of the person who messes up a
solo.)
Here's to Brother Johnny,
Brother Johnny, Brother Johnny.
Here's to Brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
He beats it, he eats it, he often mistreats it.
Here's to Brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
008 Bye. Bye. Blackbird
(Sung to the tune of "Bye, Bye, Blackbird")
Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into a wood,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Laid her down upon the grass,
Pinched her tits and slapped her ass,
Blackbird Bye, Bye.
Took her where nobody else could find her,
To a place where he could really grind her,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Rolled her over on her front,
Shoved his prick right up her cunt,
Blackbird Bye, Bye.
But this girl was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
All the jury had a horn,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
Then the judge came to his decision,
This poor sod got eighteen months in prison,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
So next time, boy, do it right,
Stuff her cunt with dynamite,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
009 By The Light
(Sung to the tune of "By The Light Of The Silvery Moon")
By the light, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
Of the flickering match, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
I saw her snatch, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
In the watermelon patch, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish.
By the light, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
Of the flickering match, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
I saw her gleam, I heard her scream,
you are burning my snatch, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
With your God damned match, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish.
010 Cal Drinking Song
Oh, we had a little party down in Newport,
There was Harry, there was Larry, there was Grace.
Oh, we had a little party down in Newport,
And we had to carry Harry from the place.
Oh, we had to carry Harry to the ferry,
And we had to carry him to the shore.
And the reason that we had to carry Harry to theferry,
Was that Harry couldn't carry anymore.
For San Fernando, for San Fernando,
The hills resound the cry, we're out to do or die.
For San Fernando, for San Fernando,
We'll win the game or know the reason why.
And when the game is over we will buy a case of booze,
And we'll drink to San Fernando 'til we wallow in our shoes.
So drink, tra-la-la
Drink, drank, drunk last night
Drunk the night before
Gonna get drunk tonight like we've never been drunk before
'Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be
For I'm a member of the Souse family.
Oh, the Souse family is the best family
That ever came over from old Germany.
There's the Highland Dutch and the Lowland Dutch,
And the goddamn Dutch and the Irish.
Sing Glorious! Victorious!
One keg of beer for the four of us.
Sing Glory be to God that there are no more of us,
For one of us could drink it all alone, damned near.
Here's to the Irish. Dead drunk!
The lucky stiffs.
They had four fifths,
And a six pack, too. Brew 102.
011 Can You Walk A Little Way With It In?
(Sung to the tune of "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
Can you walk a little way with it in, with it in?
Can you walk a little way with it in?
"Oh," she answered with a smile, "I can walk a fucking mile,
With it in, with it in, with it in."
012 Cathusalem
CHORUS:Hi ho Cathusalem, Cathusalem, Cathusalem,
Hi ho Cathusalem, Harlot of Jerusalem.
In the days of old there lived a maid,
She was the Mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
Though she screwed for many a year,
Of pregnancy she had no fear,
She washed her passage with beer,
The best in all Jerusalem.
Now in a hovel by the wall,
A student lived with but one ball,
Who'd been through all, or nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.
His phallic limb was lean and tall,
His phallic art caused all to fall,
And victims lined the Wailing Wall,
That goes around Jerusalem.
One night returning from a spree,
With customary whore-lust he,
Made up his mind to call and see,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
It was for her no fortune good,
That he needed to root his pud,
And chose her out of all the breed,
Of harlots of Jerusalem.
With artful eye and leering look
He took out from its filthy-nook,
His organ stisted like a crook,
The Pride of Old Jerusalem.
He put the whore against the slum,
And tied her at the knee and bum,
Just where the strain would come,
Upon the fair Cathusalem.
He seized the harlot by the bun,
And rattling like a Lewis gun,
He sewed the seed of many a son,
Into the fair Cathusalem.
Then up there came an Onanite,
With warty balls smeared with shit,
He'd sworn he would ball that night,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
So when he saw the grunting pair,
With roars of rage he rent the air,
Vowed that he would soon take care,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
He seized the bastard by his crook,
And with a single look,
Flung him over Kedren's Brook,
That babbles past Jerusalem.
The student gave a furious roar,
And rushed to even up the score,
And with his swollen cock did bore,
The rapist of Cathusalem.
And reeling full of rags and fight,
He pushed the bastard Onanite,
And rubbed his face in Cathy's shit,
The foulest in Jerusalem.
Cathusalem she knew her part,
She closed her ass and blew a fart,
That sent him flying like a dart,
Right over old Jerusalem.
And buzzing like a bumble bee,
He flew straight out towards the sea,
But caught his asshole in a tree,
That grows in old Jerusalem.
And to this day you still can see,
His asshole hanging from that tree,
Let that to you a warning be,
When passing through Jerusalem.
And when the moon is bright and red,
A castrated fern sails overhead,
Still raining curses on the head,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
It was a sight to make you sick,
To hear him grunt so fast & quick,
As he tore with his crooked dick,
The womb of fair Cathusalem.
As for the student and his lass,
Many a playful night did pass,
Until she joined the V.D. class,
For harlots of Jerusalem.
013 Cats On The Rooftop
CHORUS:
Singing cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with the clap and cats with the piles,
Cats with their asses wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
When you wake up in the morn with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman use you own horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.
The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy,
And your wife has got the rag on and your daughter's rather coy,
Then jam it up the arse hole of your favorite choirboy,
As you revel in a smooth ejaculation.
The ostrich on the pampas is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But whenever it does it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The elephant's dong is big and round,
A small one weighs a thousand pound,
Two together shake the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The hippopotamus so it seems,
Rarely, if ever, has wet dreams,
But when he does he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The flea cavorts among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands a foot or so,
So when he comes it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale-faced spinsters shag like stoats,
And the whole damn works stands by and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
014 Charlotte The Harlot
(Sung to the tune of "Sweet Betsy From Pike")
CHORUS:
She's filthy, she's nasty,
She spits on the floor,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
Way out in the wild west where the bullshit lies thick,
Where the women are women and the cowboys come quick,
There lives a fair maiden of forty or more,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
She's handy, she's bandy, she screws in the street,
Whenever you meet her she's always in heat,
If you leave your fly open she's after your meat,
And the small of her cunt knocks you right off your feet.
She's easy, she's breezy, she's my hearts delight,
I'll fuck her by day and fuck her by night,
And each time I fuck her she shouts out,
"Encore," I call that great fucking and I want some more.
One night on the prairie while riding along,
One hand on my pistol and one on my dong,
What should I spy but the maid I adore,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
One night I was riding way down by the falls,
One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls,
What should I see but Charlotte using a stick,
Instead of the end of a cowpuncher's prick.
One night on the desert her legs opened wide,
A rattlesnake saw it and climbed up inside,
Now all the cowboys on Saturday night,
Come see the vagina that rattles and bites.
I leapt from my saddle and reached for her crack,
But the damn thing was rattling and bit me back,
I pulled out my six gun and aimed for its head,
But the damn thing misfired and shot Charlotte instead.
I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down there,
And parted the tresses of curly brown hair,
Inserted the penis of my sturdy horse,
And then there began a strange intercourse.
Faster and faster went my sturdy steed,
Until Charlotte rejoiced at the speed,
When all of a sudden my horse did backfire,
And shot Charlotte right into the mire.
He got Charlotte all covered in muck,
And said, "Oh dear, cowboy, what a glorious fuck,"
She stepped a pace forward and fell flat on the floor,
And that was the end of the cowpuncher's whore.
The funeral procession was forty miles long,
And all of the cowboys were singing the song,
"Here lies a maiden who never kept score,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore."
015 Charlotte The Harlot Lay Dying
CHORUS:"I've been had by the army, the navy,
By a bullfighting toreador,
By dages and dronges and dinges,
But never by maggots before,
So roll back your dirty old assholes,
And give me the cream of your nuts."
So they rolled back their dirty old assholes,
And played "Home Sweet Home" on her guts.
Charlotte the Harlot lay dying,
A piss-pot supported her head,
The blow-flies were buzzing around her,
She lay on her left tit and said:
Charlotte the Harlot repented,
She'd never have another bang,
She wanted to go to heaven,
So she rolled on her right tit and sang:
Charlotte the Harlot was buried,
The town was much quieter than before,
But one night at the local brothel,
Her ghost appeared in the beer.
016 Christopher Columbo
CHORUS:His balls they were so round - o
His cock hung to the ground - o
That fornicating, copulating
Son-of-a-bitch Columbo.
In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
A man whose name was Chris
Stood by the Trevi fountain
Indulging in a piss.
Along did come the Queen of Spain
And glimpsing there his dong,
Forthwith was smitten with desire
And knew not right from wrong.
"Oh, Isabelle," Columbo said,
A-waving of his balls,
"The world is round as these are,
I feel that duty calls."
"Just wait a bit," said Isabelle,
"And don't forget essentials,
For I've a mind to have a grind
And check on your credentials."
She gave her guest no time for rest,
The pace was fairly killing,
With legs apart he gave the tart
A cream and cherry filling.
With lustful shout they ran about
And practiced copulation,
And when they left to sail away
They'd doubled the population.
And when his men pulled out again,
And reckoned all their score up,
They'd caught a pox from every box
That syphilized all Europe.
Three ships set sail that sunny day,
They all were triple deckers,
The queen she waived her handkerchief
Columbo waived his pecker.
For forty days and forty nights
He sailed the broad Atlantic,
Columbo and his scurvy crew
For want of a screw were frantic.
The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
That dirty little nipper,
He packed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised his skipper.
The first mate's name was John,
They loved him like a brother,
And every night in the pale moonlight
They corn-holed each other.
The third mate's name was Higgins,
And Higgins had a big 'un,
Twice round his neck, twice round the deck,
The rest was used for riggin.
The cook, that rotten man,
He was a dirty demon,
He served the crew a menstrual stew,
And flavored it with semen.
An Indian maid ran down the beach,
Columbo he pursued her,
The white of an egg ran down her leg,
Columbo he unscrewed her.
And when they got to Yankee land,
The spied a Yankee harlot,
When they came her arse was lily-white, W
hen they left her arse was scarlet.
017 Christopher Robin
(Sung to the tune of "Christopher Robin")
Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs
Clutched in his hand are a bunch of white hairs
Oh my just fancy that Christopher Robin castrated the cat.
Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed
Lily-white hands are caressing his head
Oh my couldn't be worse
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse.
Little boy sits on the lavatory pan
Gently caressing his little old man
Flip flop into the tank
Christopher Robin is having a wank.
018 Clementine
(Sung to the tune of "Clementine")
CHORUS: I owe my darlin',I owe my darlin',
I owe my darlin' Clementine,
Three bent pennies and a nickel,
Oh my darlin' Clementine.
There she stood beside the bar rail,
Drinking pink gins for two bits,
And the swollen whiskey barrels
Stood in awe beside her tits.
Eyes of whiskey, lips of water
As she sodden at me peer,
Dawns the daylight in her temple
With a fucking-warming leer.
Hung me guitar on the bar rail
At the sweetness of the sign,
In one leap leapt out me trousers
Plunged into the foaming brine.
She was bawdy, she was busty
She could match the great Buzoom,
As she strained out of her bloomers
Like a melon tree in bloom.
Oh the oak tree and the cypress
Never more together twine,
Since that creeping poison ivy
Laid its blight on Clementine.
019 Cockles and Mussels
(Sung to the tune of "Molly Malone")
CHORUS:Alive, alive-o, alive, alive-o
Singing cockles and mussels
Alive, alive-o.
In Dublin's fair city where girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheel barrow, through streets broad and narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
She was a fishmonger, but sure twas no wonder
For so were her father and mother before
And they each wheeled the barrow, through streets broad and narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
She died of a fever and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Her ghost wheels her barrow, through streets broad and narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
020 Courtin' in The Kitchen
CHORUS: Tooral ooral ooral a, tooral ooral addy,
Tooral ooral ooral ooral a, tooral ooral addy.
Come single belle and beau, unto me pay attention,
Don't ever fall in love for 'tis the devil's own invention.
Once I fell in love with a maiden so bewitchin',
Miss Henrietta Bell out of Captain Kelly's kitchen.
At the age of seventeen I was 'prenticed to a grocer,
Not far from Stephen's Green where Miss Henry used to go, Sir.
Her manners were sublime, she set me heart a twitchin',
And she invited me to a hooley in the kitchen.
Next Sunday being the day we were to have the flare up,
I dressed meself quite gay, an' I frizzed and oiled my hair up.
The captain had n-o wife, faith, he had gone out fishing,
So we kicked up high life down below stairs on the kitchen.
Just as the clock struck six we sat down to the table,
She handed tea and cake and I ate while I was able.
I drank hot punch and tea till me sides had got a stitch in,
And the hours passed quick away with the courtin' in the kitchen.
With me arms around her waist she slyly hinted marriage,
To the door in dreadful haste came Captain Kelly's carriage
Her eyes soon filled with hate and poison she was spitting,
When the Captain at the door walked straight into the kitchen.
She flew up off my knees, full five feet up or higher,
And over head and heels, threw me slap into the fire.
My new Repealer's coast, that I bought from Mr. Mitchell,
With a twenty shilling note, went to blazes in the kitchen.
I grieved to see my duds, all smeared with soot and ashed,
When a tub of dirty suds, right in my face she dashed.
As I lay on the floor and the water she kept pitchin',
The footman broke the door, and marched down into the kitchen.
When the Captain came downstairs, tho' he saw my situation,
In spite of all my prayers, I was marched off to the station.
For me they'd take no bail, tho' to get home I was itchin',
But I had to tell the tale, how I came into the
kitchen.
I said she did invite me but she gave a flat denial,
For assault she did indict me and I was sent to trial.
She swore I robbed the house in spite of all her screetchin',
And I got six months hard for me courtin' in the kitchen.
021 Court of The Horny Five Sweetheart Song
CHORUS: In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
Up tight, and out of sight, and in the mood.
She's got nipples on her tits just as big as your
thumb.
She's jot somethin' 'tween her legs to make a
dead man cum.
She's got shoo-fly pie - apple pandowdy,
Makes your balls rise up and makes your pecker
say "Howdy".
You can huff and you can puff and you can strut
your stuff,
But you can't eat enough of her wonderful muff!
Oh, the nipples on her tits are as big as my
thumb.
The wiggle of her ass will make a dead man cum.
She's a mean mother fucker and a great
cocksucker.
She's my girl; she fucks.
022 Daisy
(Sung to the tune of "Daisy")
Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer do.
I'm half crazy,
Six inches into you.
It won't be a stylish entry,
I can't afford a frenchie.
But you'll look sweet,
Between the sheets,
When I'm six inches into you.
023 Darkie Sunday School
CHORUS:
Young folk, old folk, everybody come
To the darkie Sunday School
And we'll have lots of fun
Bring your sticks of chewing gum
And sit upon the floor
And we'll tell you Bible stories
That you've never heard before.
Now Adam was the first man
So we're led to believe
He walked into the garden
And bumped right into Eve
There was no one there to show him
But he quickly found the way
And that's the very reason
Why we're singing here today.
The Lord said unto Noah
"It's going to rain today"
So Noah built a bloody great Ark
In which to sail away,
The animals went in two by two
But soon got up to tricks
So, although they came in two by two
They came out six by six.
Now Moses in the bullrushes
Was all wrapped up in swathe
Pharaoh's daughter found him
When she went down there to bathe
She took him back to Pharaoh
And said, "I found him on the shore"
And Pharaoh winked his eye and said
"I've heard that one before.
King Solomon and King David
Lived most immoral lives
Spent their time a-chasing
After other people's wives
The Lord spake unto both of them
And it worked just like a charm
'Cos Solomon wrote the
Proverbs And David wrote the Psalms.
Now Samson was an Israelite
And very big and strong
Delilah was a Philistine
Always doing wrong
They spent a week together
024 Diamond Lily
Oh her name is Diamond Lily
She's a whore in Piccadilly,
And her brother has a brothel in the Strand,
Her father sells his arse hole
At the Elephant and Castle,
They're the richest fucking family in the land.
There's a man deep in a dungeon
With his hand upon his prick
And the shadow of his prick upon the wall
And the ladies as they pass
Stick their hat-pins up his arse,
And the little mice play billiards with his balls.
There's a little green urinal
To the north of Waterloo
And another a little further up,
There's a member of the army
Playing tunes upon his dick
While the passers-by put pennies in his cup.
025 Did You Ever See
CHORUS:Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before.
Oh, I got an Aunty Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed
And the nipple's double jointed.
I've got a cousin Daniel,
And he's got a cocker-spaniel,
If you tickled 'im in the middle
He would lift his leg and piddle.
Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert,
He plays outside center for Newport,
The think so much about him
That they always play without him.
Oh, I've got a cousin Anna,
And she's got a grand piana,
And she ram aram arama,
Till the neighbors say "God Damn Her."
026 Dont Say No
(Chanted)
Oh, my darlin', don't say no,
Onto the sofa you must go.
Up with your petticoat,
Down with your drawers,
You tickle mine
And I'll tickle yours.
027 Do Yours Hang Low?
(Sung to the tune of "Do Your Ears Hang Low")
Do your balls hang low?
Do they dangle to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you sling 'em o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
028 Eskimo Nell
(Recited; This is also a song.)
Gather round all you whorey
Gather round and hear this story.
When a man rows old, & his balls grow cold
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
It bends in the middle like a 1 string fiddle
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair, and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun
It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt
But the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Live down by Dead Man's Creek
And such was their luck they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Just a moose or two and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was mighty slow.
So do or dare this horny pair
Set forth for the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand.
And as they blazed their noisy trail
No man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grande
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slack their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon.
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free.
According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fuck with me."
They'd heard of Dead-eye Dick,
From Maine to Panama
So with scarcely worse than a muttered cur
Those dagos sought the bar.
The girls too knew his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawer
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete
Itch on the trigger grip
And they didn't wait, at fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
So forty arses were bared to view
And likewise forty cunts.
Now forty cunts and forty arses
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand
It may be rare in Berkeley Square
But not on the Rio Grande.
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to show his fun
And to wet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
As he backed and took a run
He made a dart at the nearest tart
And scored a hole in one.
He bore her to the sandy floor
And there he fucked her fine
And though she grinned
It put the wind up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick
He's got no time to spare,
For speed & length combined with strength
He fairly singes hair.
He made a dart at the next spare tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid,
And her name it was Eskimo Nell.
By this time Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell,
She bawled to him, "Hey you."
He gave a flick of his muscular prick
And the girl flew over his head,
And he wheeled about with an angry shout.
His face and his prick were red.
She glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry,
With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn
That rose from his hairy thigh.
She blew the smoke from her cigarette
Over his steaming knob
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
He failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool,
"You cunt struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp.
You call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can't take that down,"
She sneered to those cowering whores,
"There's one little cunt can do the stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She stripped her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride
And as she stood in her womanhood
They saw the great divide.
She seated herself on a table top
Where someone had left his glass,
With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her legs apart,
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two,
He meant to take his time,
And a girl like this was fucking bliss
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his arse hole to and fro
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
Up on a garden gate.
He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
Till it almost reached his eyes.
He polished it up with alcohol,
And made it steaming hot
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.
Then neither did he take a run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop
And a steady forward creep.
With piercing eye he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And the steady grin as he pushed it in
Was calculatedly cool.
Have you seen the giant pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.
With the driving force of a thousand horse.
Well, you know what pistons are.
Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a guy like Dead-eye Dick.
But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages between.
Amid stops she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset,
And she gripped his cock like a Yale Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick could not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours.
Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,
The grip of her cunt grew keener,
Squeezing her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The basic cause and primary laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a second or two went West.
And so my friends we come to the end Of copulation's classic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anesthetic.
He fell to the floor, and knew no more
His passions extinct and dead
And he did not shout as his prick fell out
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread
Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With jarring jolt of his blue-nosed
Colt He rammed it up her cunt.
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired three times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstasy.
She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet
"Bully", she said, "for you.
Though I had guessed that was the best
That you two poor cocks could do."
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick
And yourself an elephant gun.
"I'm going back to the frozen North,
Where the pricks are hard and strong.
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.
"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream
But a solid frozen chunk.
"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair
That's where they'll sing this song.
"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic Trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold that the Johnnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.
"In the valley of death with baited breath
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
And the rotting corpses screw.
"Back to the land where men are men,
Terra Bellicum,
And there I'll spend my worthy end
For the North is calling: 'Come.'"
So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk out of the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick
And Pete with no gun in his hand.
029 Eves Right
(Chanted)
Eyes right,
Skin back tight,
Bollocks to the front.
We're the boys who make no noise,
When we go hunting cunt.
We're the riders of the night,
And we'd rather fuck than fight.
We're the riders of the (your team's name) RFC.
030 Fa La La
CHORUS:Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
I'll be up your flue in a minute or two,
'Cause I know where to find it.
It's around the front and it's called the cunt,
And the asshole's right behind it.
My darling Grace, I love your face,
I love you in your nightie.
When the moonlight flits across your tits,
Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty.
I'll be up your gash as quick as a flash,
'Cause I am Jack the Ripper.
Though some have hairs -and some are bald,
But they all smell like a kipper.
I'll be between your thighs despite your lies,
Because you love me deary.
I'll be up and down and in and out,
Until you are too weary.
You'll be on your knees and begging please,
Because you are so horny.
I'll be round about and up your spout,
And gone before the morning.
The very best time I ever had,
Is when I take out Lucy.
'Cause after we dine and after we dance,
I get to eat her pussy.
031 Fanny Bay
If you ever go across the sea to Darwin,
Then maybe at the closing of the day,
You will see the local harlots
at their business,
And watch the sun go down on Fanny Bay.
Some are black and some are white,
And some are brindle,
And some are young
and some are old and grey,
But what will cost you twenty quid
in Lower Crown Street,
Will cost you half a zac in Fanny Bay.
032 Farmer's Daughter
CHORUS:
I had her, I had her, I had her away.
I had her, I had her, I had her away.
(Repeat last two lines of each verse.)
I knew a farmer and I knew him well.
He had a daughter and her name was Nell.
She was so pretty and only sixteen,
When I showed her the works of my Thrashing Machine.
The barn door was open and I stepped inside.
Off in the comer so softly I spied.
She worked the throttle and I worked the steam,
As I showed her the works of my Thrashing Machine.
Well, three months went by and all was not well.
Something had happened to our little Nell.
For under her pinny could clearly be seen,
The diabolical works of my Thrashing Machine.
Now, nine months went by and a doctor was called.
Unto sweet Nellie a baby was born.
And under his nappy could clearly be seen,
A brand new, twin cylinder Thrashing Machine.
033 Fuck Him
(Chanted)
He ought to be publicly pissed on.
He ought to be publicly shot. Bang! Bang!
And stuffed in a bloody urinal,
To lay there to fester and rot.
So him, him, FUCK HIM!
034 Gentlemen Should Please Refrain
(Sung to the tune of "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park", "Humoreque")
Gentlemen should please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station for a while.
We encourage contemplation
While the train is in the station,
Cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile.
If you wish to pass some water
You should sing out for a porter
Who will place a basin in the bog;
Tramps and hoboes underneath
Get it in the eye and teeth,
But that's what comes from being underdog.
Drinking while the train is moving
Is another way of proving,
That control of eye and hand is sure;
We like our clients to be neat,
So please don't wet upon the seat,
Or, even worse, don't splash upon the floor.
If the Ladies' Room be taken,
do not feel the least forsaken,
Never show the sign of sad defeat,
Try the Gents across the hall,
and if some man has felt the call
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.
If these efforts are in vain,
then simply break the window pane,
This novel method's used by very few,
We go strolling through the park,
a-goosing statues in the dark
If Peter Pan can take it, why can't you?
035 Glorious Beer
(Sung to the tune of "Food" from the opera Oliver)
CHORUS:
Beer, beer, glorious beer,
Fill yourself right up to here.
Drink a good deal of it, make a good meal of it.
Stick to your old fashion beer,
Don't be afraid of it, drink till you're made of it.
Now all together a cheer,
Up with sale of it, down with a pale of it.
Glorious, glorious beer.
Now I won't sing of Sherbet and water
For Sherbet and beer will not rhyme
'ne working man can't afford Champagne
It's a bit more than two D a time
So I'll sing you a song of a garle
A garle that I love so dear
I all owe to that grand institution
That beautiful tonic called beer, beer, beer.
It's the daddy of all lubricators
The best thing there is for the neck
Can be used as a gargle or lotion
By persons of every sect
Now we know who the goddess of wine was
But was there a goddess of beer
If so let's drink to her health boys
And wish that we'd got her here, here, here.
So up, up with Brandies and sodas
But down and down with the beer
It's good for you when you're hungry
You can eat it without any fear
So mop up your beer while you're able
Of four-half let's have our fill
And I know you'll all join me in wishing
Good luck to my dear uncle Bill, Bill, Bill.
036 Harlequin's Lament
Scrum halves and centers and forwards, too.
Thumbs up their assholes with fuck-all to do.
Drinking our beer in the company of fools.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
The first thing we ask for, we ask for is beer.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious beer.
If we can have one beer, why can't we have ten?
Why can't we own a brewery?
Why can't we own a brewery?
Why can't we own a brewery?
Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
The next thing we ask for, we ask for is girls.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious girls.
If we can have one girl, why can't we have ten'?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
Tis the Harlequin' s Lament.
The last thing we ask for is boys.
The last thing I ask for is boys.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious boys.
If we can have one boy, why can't we have ten?
Why can't we own a scout troop?
Why can't we own a scout troop?
Why can't we own a scout troop?
Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
037 Here's To The Split
(A Toast)
Here's to the split that never heals,
The longer you rub it the better it feels.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Can't wash away that fishy smell.
038 He's Dirt Bastard
(Chanted)
For he's a dirty bastard,
Scum of the earth.
Born in a whorehouse.
Shit on, pissed on, shoved around the universe.
Of all the son-of-a-bitches, he is the worst.
Born down in (city of your choice), The armpit of the universe.
So him, him, FUCK HIM!
039 His Father Was A Eunuch
(Chanted)
His father was a eunuch,
He had no balls at all.
What could have been the use of him,
Is more than I recall.
Band, Bang, FUCK HIM.
040 Hitler Has Only Got One Ball
CHORUS:
Hitler has only got one ball,
Stalin has two, but very small.
Himmler is very similar,
And poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
We are from (your team's name) RFC.
We are always out to win.
Men, men very strong,
We are the forwards and backs again.
And if the forwards push very hard,
Backs play with all their hearts.
Men, men very strong,
We are the forwards and backs again.
041 Hold'Em Down You Zulu Warrior
(Sung to the tune of "Zulu Warrior")
Hold 'em down you Zulu Warrior,
Hold'em down you Zulu Chief,
Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief
Ar-Delle zumba zumba zumba.
Ar-Delle zumba zumba zay.
Ar-Delle zumba zumba zumba.
Ar-Delle zumba zumba zay.
042 I Don't Know What His Name Is.
CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be,
Just listen while I tell you what he did to me!
I went through the front gate
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped round the back way
Like I knew he would.
I went in the front door
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped in behind me
Like I knew he would.
I went up the stairs
Like a good girl should,
And he came up behind me
Like I knew he would.
I went in my bedroom
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped in behind me
Like I hoped he would.
I took all my clothes off
Like a good girl should,
And he took off his trousers
Like I knew he would.
I put on my 'jamas
Like a good girl should,
And then he took them off again
Like I knew he would.
I got into bed
Like a good girl should,
And he got in beside me
Like I knew he would.
I laid on my side
Like a good girl should,
But then he turned me over
Like I knew he would.
FINAL CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be,
It's none of your damned business what he did to me!
043 I Don't Want To Join The Army
CHORUS: I don't want to join the army,
I don't want to go to war.
I'd rather hang around Piccadilly Underground,
Living on the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't want a bayonet up me asshole,
I don't want me balls shot away.
I'd rather stay in England, in merry, merry
England,
And fornicate me fucking life away. Go blimey .
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday, I must confess,
I lifted up her dress,
Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I laid me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a twitch, twitch, twitch,
And Sunday after supper, I rammed me fucker up 'er,
And now I'm paying 76 a week. Go blimey .
SECOND CHORUS: I don't want to join the Navy.
I don't want to go to sea.
I'd rather hang around Piccadilly Underground,
Living on the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't need no Frenchy women,
London's full of girls I never had.
I want to stay in Blight, Lord Gawd Almighty,
Following in the footsteps of me dad.
044 I Don't Wanna Talk About It
CHORUS: I don't wanna talk about it how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here won't you listen to my heart, OH my heart.
I can tell by your eyes that you're probably been crying forever
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you there a mirror.
If I stand all along will the shadow hide the color of my heart
Blue for the tears, black for the night spears
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you there a mirror.
045 If I Were The Marrying Kind
CHORUS:If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would be.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY FULLBACK.
I'd find touch, she'd find touch,
We'd both find touch together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Finding touch together
...WOULD BE A RUGBY HOOKER.
I'd strike hard, she'd strike hard,
We'd both strike hard together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night, Striking
hard together.
...WOULD BEAN INSIDE CENTER.
I'd pass it out, she'd pass it out,
We'd both pass it out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night, Passing
it out together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY REFEREE.
I'd fuck up, she'd fuck up,
We'd both fuck up together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night, Fucking
up together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY PROP.
I'd support a hooker, she'd support a hooker,
We'd both support a hooker together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Supporting a hooker together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY FLY-HALF.
I'd whip it out,
she'd whip it out,
We'd both whip it out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Whipping it out together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SCRUM-HALF. I'd put it
in, she'd put it in,
Wed both put it in together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night, Putting
it in together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY HALF-TIME ORANGE.
I'd get sucked, she'd get sucked,
We'd both get sucked together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting sucked together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR.
I'd come again, she'd come again,
We'd both come again together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Coming again together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SECOND ROW.
I'd push hard, she'd push hard,
Wed both push hard together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Pushing hard together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY GROUNDS-KEEPER.
I'd trim bush, she'd trim bush,
We'd both trim bush together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Trimming bush together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY TICKET TAKER.
I'd punch holes, she'd punch holds,
We'd both punch holes together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Punching holes together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR IN THE RAIN.
I'd wear rubbers, she'd wear rubbers,
We'd both wear rubbers together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Wearing rubbers together.
... WOULD BE A RUGBY NUMBER EIGHT MAN.
I'd sniff ass, she'd sniff ass,
We'd both sniff ass together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Sniffing ass together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY GOAL POST.
I'd stand erect, she'd stand erect,
We'd both stand erect together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Standing erect together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY ASSISTANT
GROUNDSKEEPER.
I'd fill holes, she'd fill holes,
We'd both fill holes together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Filling holes together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY REFEREE'S WHISTLE.
I'd get blown, she'd get blown,
We'd both get blown together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting blown together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY TOUCH LINE.
I'd get laid, she'd get laid,
We'd both get laid together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting laid Together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY PARTIER.
I'd keep it up, she'd keep it up,
We'd both keep it up together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Keeping it up together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY WING-FORWARD.
I'd come early, she'd come early,
We'd both come early together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Gumming early together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY WING.
I'd go hard, she'd go hard,
We'd both go hard together,
We'd be alright in the-middle of the night,
Going hard together.
...WOULD BE ANOTHER RUGBY WING. I'd never get it,
she'd never get it,
We'd both never get it together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Never getting it together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SECOND ASSISTANT
GROUNDSKEEPER.
I'd sow seeds, she'd sow seeds,
We'd both sow seeds together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Sowing seeds together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR FROM 100 MILES AWAY.
I'd eat out, she'd eat out,
We'd both eat out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Eating out together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY BOOT.
I'd come in a box,
she'd come in a box,
We'd both come in a box together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Coming in a box together.
...WOULD BE A RUGBY FULLBACK NUMBER TWO.
I'd kick balls,
she'd kick balls,
We'd both kick balls together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Kicking balls together.
046 I Love My Wife
I love my wife;
I love her truly;
I love the hole
She pisses through.
I love hertits-tittly-tits-tittly-tits
And her nut brown arse hole.
I would eat her shit,
Chomp, chomp, gobble, gobble
With a rusty spoon,
With a rusty spoon.
047 I'm A Gentleman Of Leisure, Of Nobility, And Pleasure
CHORUS:Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
I've a mind to spin
your little ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
I've a mind to spin
your little ball of yarn.
I'm a gentleman of leisure, of nobility and
pleasure,
With manners of the manor and the morals of the
barn,
And when I met a lady in the forest green and
shady,
I asked if I could spin her ball of yarn.
She gave her kind consent and behind the bush
we went,
And I said: "My dear, there's no cause for alarm."
So I laid her on the ground and with expertise so
sound,
I went on to spin her little ball of yarn.
It was nine months after that in my manor where I
sat,
I saw a figure coming past the barn,
And a big man with a truncheon quite disturbed
my Sunday luncheon,
was father of a little ball of yarn.
048 I'm Your Mailman
I feel happy, I feel gay
Cause I come twice a day.
I'm your mailman.
I don't mess with keys on locks,
I just stick it in your box.
I'm your mailman.
I can come in any kind of weather,
For you see my bag is made of leather.
I'm your mailman.
Oh! Pat you knockers, ring your chimes,
For you see mine is fine.
I'm your mailman,
With the longest route in town.
049 Incest Time In Texas
(Sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose Of Texas")
When it's incest time in Texas
And your father is out of town,
Your mother is in the bathroom
With her panties halfway down,
No time for masturbation,
No time to beat your meat,
When it's incest time in Texas
Motherfuckin' can't be beat!
050 In Duluth
CHORUS:ln Duluth, In Duluth In D', in D', in D', in Duluth,
(Repeat last two lines of each verse)
Oh the eagles they fly high in Duluth.
Oh the eagles they fly high in Duluth.
Oh the eagles they fly high and they shit right in your eye,
Thank the Lord that cows don't fly in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Hunt in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Hunt in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Hunt and he thought he had a cunt,
But his arse was back to front in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good bogs in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good bogs in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good bogs so they wait until it clogs,
Then they saw it off in logs in Duluth.
There's a shortage of bogpaper in Duluth.
There's a shortage of bogpaper in Duluth.
Mere's a shortage of bogpaper so they wait until it's vapor,
Then they light it with a taper in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Smith in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Smith in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Smith and he thinks that he can't
sniff,
Foul odor from the syph in Duluth.
Oh they teach the babies tricks in Duluth.
Oh they teach the babies tricks in Duluth.
Oh they teach the babies tricks and by the time that they are six,
The suck their father's pricks in Duluth.
It's a fuck of a situation in Duluth.
It's a fuck of a situation in Duluth.
It's a fuck of a situation and they're sunk in masturbation,
For there ain't no fornication in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good whores in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good whores in Duluth.
There's a shortage of good whores but there's keyholes in the doors,
And there's knotholes in the floors in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Best in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Best in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Best and he thought he had a breast,
But his balls were on his chest in Duluth.
There's a girl by the name of Doris in Duluth.
There's a girl by the name of Doris in Duluth.
There's a girl by the name of Doris and her boyfriend's name is
Horace,
And he tickles her clitoris in Duluth.
Oh the vicar is a bugger in Duluth.
Oh the vicar is a bugger in Duluth.
Oh the vicar is a bugger and the curate is another,
So they bugger one another in Duluth.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah in Duluth.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah in Duluth.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah and they say there's nothing
finer,
Than a trip up her vagina in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Brock in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Brock in Duluth.
There's a man by the name of Brock with a multicolored cock,
Like a stick of candy rock in Duluth.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants in Duluth.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants in Duluth.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants but they take them off to dance,
Everybody gets a chance in Duluth.
There's a knot hole in the floor in Duluth.
There's a knot hole in the floor in Duluth.
There's a knot hole in the floor and we use it for a
whore,
There's some cocks that are sore in Duluth.
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse in Duluth.
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse in Duluth.
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse and he thought it
was a shithouse,
Now the lighthouse is a white house in Duluth.
Oh the ladies have big tits in Duluth.
Oh the ladies have big tits in Duluth.
Oh the ladies have big tits and they hang down to
their clits,
And we munch them all to bits in Duluth.
051 Inside Those Red Plush Breeches
CHORUS:Inside those red plush breeches,
Inside those red plush breeches,
Inside those red plush breeches,
That kept John Thomas warm.
John Thomas was a servant tall
Pride and joy of the servants' hall,
Although he only had one ball,
Inside his red plush breeches.
Of all the servants at the servants' post,
Mary was the one he loved the most,
And she'd keep her hands as was as toast,
Inside his red plush breeches.
Mary had an illegit
awful green and face like shit,
And every time she looked at it,
She cursed those red plush breeches.
Now Mary laid poor John a trap,
And he fell for it like a sap,
And now he's got a dose of clap,
Inside those red plush breeches.
052 In The Shade Of The Old Apple Tree
In the shade of the old apple tree
A pair of fine legs I did see
With some hair at the top
And a little red spot
It looked like a cherry to me.
I pulled out my pride of New York
It fitted it just like a cork
I said, "Darlin' don't scream
While I fill you with cream
In the shade of the old apple tree."
And as we both lay on the grass
With my two hands around her fat ass
She said, "If you'll be true
You can have fuck too!
In the shade of the old apple tree."
053 It's The Same The Whole World Over
CHORUS:It's the same the whole world over; it's
the poor what gets the blame;
It's the rich what gets the gravy; ain't it all a fucking
shame.
(or)
It's the same the whole world over; it's the pack which gets the
blame;
It's the backs who get the glory; ain't it all a fucking shame.
She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man's whim,
First he fucked her, then he left her
And she had a child by him.
See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his wenching
Sips her gin inside a pub.
Then she came to London City,
Just to hide her bleeding shame,
But a politician fucked her
And put her on the streets again.
See him in the House of Commons,
Passing laws to combat crime,
While the victim of his evil
Walks the streets at night in shame.
See him riding in a carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage
At the mercy of syphilitic hands.
See him sitting at the theatre,
In the front row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined
Entertains a sordid guest.
She him seated in his Rolls Royce,
Driving homeward from the hunt,
He got riches from his marriage
She got sores upon her cunt.
See her stand in Piccadilly,
Offering up her aching quim,
She is now completely ruined
And the cause of all is him.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing shitballs at the moor,
She said 'Sir, I'm still a virgin."
But she spoke too fucking soon.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Squeezing blackheads from her crotch,
She said, "Sir, I've still not had it."
He said, "No, not fucking much!"
See her on the bridge at midnight,
Looking down with-baited breath,
"A plague upon all cowards,"
She cried falling to her death.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Where the rich man met his fate,
Her curse had found her coward
And he was doomed to masturbate.
They dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes the wrung,
They thought that she was drowned
Till her corpse got up and sung.
Then there came a wealthy pimp,
Marriage was the tale he told,
She had no one else to take her
So she sold her soul for gold.
In a little country cottage,
There her grieving parents live,
Though they the fizz she sends them
Yet they never will forgive.
054 I Used To Work In Chicago
CHORUS: I used to work in Chicago
In a department store.
I used to work in Chicago
I did but I don't any more.
A woman came in and asked for a dress,
I asked her what dress she adored,
A jumper she said so jump her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a card,
I asked her what card she adored,
A poker she said so poke her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a dog.
I asked her what dog she adored,
A cocker she said so cock her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for some shoes
I asked her what shoes she adored,
A slipper she said so slip her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a cake,
I asked her what cake she adored,
A layer she said so lay her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a ball,
I asked her what ball she adored,
A rubber she said so rub her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for some booze
I asked her what booze she adored,
Liquor she said so lick her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for hardware,
I asked her what hardware she adored,
A screw she said so screw her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a girdle,
I asked her what girdle she adored,
"Rubber!" she said, and rub her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a pet,
I asked her what pet she adored,
"A pussy!" she said, I took the hint,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a hat,
I asked her what hat she adored,
"Felt!" she said, so felt her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a ticket,
I asked her what ticket she adored,
"Bangor!" she said, so bang her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a dairy,
I asked her what dairy she adored,
"Cream!" she said, so cream her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
055 Ivan Scavinskv Scavar
(Sung to the tune of "Ivan Scavinsky Scavar")
The harems of Egypt are fine to behold;
The harlots the fairest of fair,
But the fairest of all,
Was owned by a sheik named,
Abdul Abulbul Amir.
A traveling brothel
Came down from the north,
Twas run privately for the Czar,
Who wagered no one could out shag,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
A day was arranged for the spectacle great,
A holiday proclaimed by the Czar,
And the streets were all lined
With the harlots assigned to,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his side,
His eye bore a leer of desire,
And he started to brag
How he would out shag,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
All hairs were shorn and no franchies were worn,
And this suited Abdul by far,
And he's quite set his mind
On a fast action grind to beat,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
They met on the track with prick at the slack,
A starter's gun punctured the air,
They were both quick to rise,
The crowd gaped at the size of, Abdul Abulbul Amir.
They worked all the night in the pale yellow light,
Old Abdul he raved like a car,
But he couldn't compete
With the slow steady beat of,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun,
He bent down to polish the pair,
When something red hot
Up his back passage shot,
Twas Abdul Abulbul Amir.
The harlots turned green, The crowd shouted "Queen,"
They were ordered apart by the Czar,
Twas bloody bad luck for Abdul was stuck up,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
The cream of the joke came when they broke,
Twas laughed at for years by the Czar,
For Abdul the fool
Left half his tool up
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
056 Jack And Jill
(Sung to the tune of "Jack and Jill")
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with half a crown
But not for fetching water.
057 Jesus Saves
(Sung to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
CHORUS: Free beer for all the workers.
Free beer for all the workers.
Free beer for all the workers,
Till the red revolution begins.
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus plavs goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus plays goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus plays goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause His arms point both ways,
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause His arms point both ways,
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause His arms point both ways,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus can't kick for touch, cause His feet are nailed together,
Jesus can't kick for touch, cause His feet are nailed together,
Jesus can't kick for touch, cause His feet are nailed together,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
058 John Peel
(Tune - John Peel)
Do you ken John Peel
With his balls of steel
And his prick of brass
And his celluloid arse,
Do you ken John Peel
With his balls of steel
And it all comes out in the morning.
059 Jonestown
(Sung to the tune of "Downtown")
CHORUS: You're in Jonestown - drinking with Reverend Jim.
Jonestown - chances are mighty slim.
Jonestown - people are dropping like flys.
When you're broke and your religion's a joke,
You can always go - to Jonestown
When life's incomplete only one man to meet,
Now won't you come and see - Jim Jones.
Watch him as he stirs the vat of Kool-aid that's so lethal.
Listen to the aniluished cries of all the dying people.
No one survived.
The Reverend's a most gracious host,
So let's lift up our cups in the ultimate toast.
(CHORUS)
There was Congressman Ryan on his mission of spyin'
But he would not drink - with Jim Jones.
It was such a disgrace they had to blow off his face,
Now tell me who's to blame - Jim Jones.
Well this forced the Rev to put his final plan in action,
Then they drank the brew and saw with great satisfaction,
- Everyone died
Their deaths were both painful and slow,
But when to live is to die, there's only one way to go.
(CHORUS)
So the screams were a little loud - Jonestown.
Manson would sure be pround - Jonestown.
The Kool-Aid is waiting for you.
060 Knockers
CHORUS:Oh, those knockers
Great big mama knockers
She's got a knocker here and a knocker over there
She's got a knocker here and a knocker there
And in between the knockers she's got a little hair
But oh, those knockers
Great big mama knockers
She's got a knocker here and a knocker over there
She's got a bra sized 39 You get inside it feels so fine
She's got a bra sized 56
You get inside and get your kicks
She's got a cunt like dynamite When it explodes it still stays tight
She's got a bra sized 29
Titties are small but areolas are fine.
061 Let Me Call You Sweetheart
(Sung to the tune of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
Let me call you sweetheart,
I'm in love with you.
Let me rub your titties,
Til they're black and blue.
Let me stroke your vulva,
Til it's filled with goo.
Let's play hide the weeney,
Up your old wazoo.
062 Life Presents A Dismal Picture
Life presents a dismal picture
Dark and dreary as the womb,
Father's got an anal stricture
Mother's got a fallen womb.
Sister Sue has been aborted
For the forty-second time,
Brother Bill has been deported
For a homosexual crime.
Nurse has chronic menstruation,
Never laughs and never smiles,
Mine's a dismal occupation
Cracking ice for Grandpa's piles.
In a small brown paper parcel
Wrapped in a mysterious way
Is an imitation rectum
Granddad uses twice a day.
Joe the postman called this morning,
Stuck his prick through the door,
We could-not despite endearment
Get it out till half-past four.
Even now the baby's started
Having epileptic fits,
Every time it coughs it spews
Every time it farts it shits.
Yet we are not broken-hearted,
Neither are we up the spout,
Aunty Mabel has just farted,
Blown her arse hole inside out.
063 Lil
Although a lady of ill-repute
Lilian Barker was a beaut,
And it was really deemed an honor
To be allowed to climb upon her.
Her lovely face was smooth and fair,
And golden was her flowing hair,
Yet pot and hash and cruel cocaine
Had ravaged heart and soul and brain.
Lil could take with sly content
A trooper or his regiment,
Hyperbole it sometimes seems,
Is not confined to wishful dreams.
But soon she had to see a doctor
To find out what disease had pocked her.
The diagnosis short and clear
Revealed a dose of gonorrhea.
As Lilian lay in her disgrace,
She felt the devil kiss her face,
She said, "Now mate I'm always willing
But first let's see your silver shilling."
064 Dinah Dinah Show us vour leg
CHORUS:Dinah Dinah show us your leg, show us you leg, show us your
leg,
Dinah Dinah show us your leg a yard above your knee
(Alternative substitute Lulu for Dinah)
CHORUS:Oh gang bang Dinah, Dinah's goin' away.
Who we gonna gang bang, when Dinah's gone away?
Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But my girl works in a whorehouse,
With forty other whores.
I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She grabbed me by the balls.
She and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time I hooked a fish,
She stuffed it up her cunt.
I wish I was a silver ring,
Upon my Dinah's hand,
And everytime she scratched her cunt,
I'd see the promised land.
Dinah had a puppy,
Dinah had a duck,
She put them in the bathtub,
To see if they would fuck.
A rich girl has a bra,
A poor girl uses string,
But Dinah uses neither,
She lets the bastards swing.
A rich girl has a ring of gold,
A poor girl one of brass,
The only ring that Dinah has,
Is the one around her ass.
A rich girl uses Vaseline,
A poor girl uses lard,
Dinah uses axle-grease,
Because her cunt's so hard.
Dinah had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
She couldn't call it Dinah 'cos,
The bastard had a cock.
A rich girl uses Kotex,
A poor girl a sheet,
Dinah uses nothing at all,
It dribbles in the street.
Dinah had a boyfriend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her to the bushes,
To see if he could fuck her.
Dinah met a fisherman,
Fishing for some bass,
Instead of catching fish that day,
He got a piece of ass.
Dinah met a breakaway,
She liked the way he rucked,
The breakaway liked Dinah,
He liked the way she fucked.
Dinah met a scrum half,
Sat down in his lap,
Dinah got the scrum half,
The scrum half got the clap.
Dinah had two boyfriends,
Both named Mitch,
One was a son of a baker,
The other was a son-of-a-bitch.
Dinah met a rugby team,
She liked the way they played,
The team liked Dinah,
They liked the way she laid.
A rich girl drives a limousine,
A poor girl drives a truck,
But the only ride that Dinah has,
Is when she has a Fuck.
A rich girl uses tampons,
A poor girl uses rags,
Dinah uses nothing at all,
Or shoves up burlap bags.
I wish I was a chamber pot,
Under Dinah's bed,
And every time she took a piss,
I'd see her maidenhead.
065 Lupe
(Tune - "Red River Valley")
Twas down in Cunt Valley where the red river flows,
Where cocksuckers flourish and maidenheadsgrow.
Twas there I met Lupe the girl I adore,
She's my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
She got her first piece at the ripe age of eight,
As she swung back and forth on the old garden gate.
The cross member broke and the upright ran in,
And she's lived ever since in a welter of sin.
She'll suck you, she'll fuck you, she'll gnaw on your nuts,
And if you're not careful she'll suck out your guts.
She'll wrap her legs round you 'til you think you'll die,
Oh I'd rather eat Lupe than sweet cherry pie.
Now Lupe is dead as she lies in her tomb,
As the maggots crawl into her decomposed womb.
The smile on her face seems to say "Give me more!"
She's my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
066 Lvdia Pinkham
CHORUS:So we'll drink, drink, drink to Lydia Pinkham,
The savior of the human race,
The human race.
Oh, she makes, she bottles, she sells the
Vegetable Compound,
And any man can sit on her face,
Sit on her face.
Now, Mr._______had a very small penis,
He could barely make it stand,
Make it stand.
So we gave him the Vegetable Compound,
Now he come in either hand,
In either hand
Now Miss_______had a very small bosom,
They scarcely showed beneath her blouse, Beneath her blouse.
So we gave her the Vegetable Compound, And now they milk her with
the cows, With the cows.
Now, Mr.______had very small testes,
They looked lik e a couple of peas, Couple of peas.
So we gave him the Vegetable Compound, Now they hang below his
knees, Below his knees.
067 Maggie May
CHORUS:Oh, my darling Maggie May
They have taken her away,
And no more down Lime Street will she roam
For the judge he guilty found her
For robbing a homeward bounder,
That dirty, robbin', no good Maggie May
I was a sailor bound for home,
All the way from Sierra Leone,
And two pound ten a month
Had been my pay,
As I jingled in my tin
I was sadly taken in
By the lady of the name of Maggie May.
When I steered into her
I just hadn't a care
I was cruisin' up and down
Ol' Canning Place.
'She was dressed in a gown so fine,
like a frigate of the line,
And I bein' a sailorman, gave chase.
She gave me a saucy nod,
And I like a farmer's clod
Let her take me line abreast in tow,
And under all plain sail
We ran before the gale
And to the Crow's Rest Tavern
We did go.
Next morning when I awoke,
I found that I was broke.
No trousers, coat or wallet could I find,
And when I asked her where
She said, "My dear young sir,
You'll find them in the pawnshop
Number nine."
To the pawnshop I did go,
No trousers could I find,
So the cops they came
And took this girl away.
Oh, you thieving Maggie May,
You robbed me of my pay,
It'll pay your fare out to Botany Bay.
She was chained and sent away
From Liverpool one day.
The lads they cheered A
s she sailed down the bay,
An' every sailor lad
He only was too glad,
They'd sent the old tart to Botany Bay.
Oh Maggie, Maggie May,
They have taken you away,
To stay on Van Dieman's cruel shore.
Oh you robbed many a whaler
And many a drunken sailor,
But you'll never cruise
Round Liverpool no more.
068 Masturbation
Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand.
You should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.
Slam it, ram it, throw it on the floor,
Wrap it around the bed post, slam in in the door.
Some people think that fornication is so neat,
But I would rather stay at home, and calmly beat my meat.
Eeeeeeeeee!
069 Men
Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men
Oh, it's great to be on a ship with men
We'll sail across the sea
Oh, we don't know where we'll land or when
But it's great to be with men
It's great to be with men.
'Cause men can sweat and men can stink
And no one seems to care
Oh, we'll throw the dishes in the sink
And clog the drain with hair-o
Clog the drain with hair-o.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
We'll never have to lift the seat
There's no one here but men, men, men, men
Men, men, men, men.
We're men and friends until the end and none of us are sissies At
night we sleep in separate beds And blow each other kissies Blow
each other kissies.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
So batten down the ladies' room
There's no one here but men, men, men, men
Men, men, men, men.
Oh, there's men above and men below
And men down in the galley
There's Butch and Spike and Biff and Bill
And one that we call Sally
One that we call Sally.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
So throw your rubbers overboard
There's no one here but men!
Ah Men!
070 Miss Millv
Young Miss Milly was sweet and fair,
With snow white tits and curly hair,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
Her heart was happy, her step was light,
But she was a fool and one dark night
She got herself put in a pregnant plight
By a lecherous, lewd and lustful cruel deceiver.
She went to this home but as she'd feared
The filthy old bastard had disappeared,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
Her mother declared: "Get out, you whore.
So never again dare to darken my door,
With your lecherous, lewd and lustful cruel deceiver."
All night she wandered through the snow
How she suffered who can know,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
And when the morning cockerel cried,
Poor abandoned Milly had died
Frozen stiff as she lay outside.
Oh, the lecherous, lewd and lustful cruel deceiver.
Hark all you young maidens, the moral is clear
If you trust these foul bastards, you'll shed many a tear
Like this oh, so unhappy maiden.
So bear this in mind: the semen may spill
And you'll find yourself getting more than your fill.
Precautions are best; take a birth control pill
With your lecherous, lewd and lustful cruel deceiver.
071 Monte Carlo
As she walked along the Bois de Boulogne
With a heart as heaavy as lead
She wishes that she was dead
She had lost her maidenhead
Her heart in a funk and covered with scorn
Her knickers were torn
and her cunt was worn
She's the girl that lowered the price
at Monte Carlo.
As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne
With his prick upon the stand
The girls all say it's grand
To take it in their hand
You give them a bob and they're on the job
Pulling the foreskin over the knob
Of the man who broke the bank
at Monte Carlo.
072 Mrs. Murphy
Give a cheer, give a cheer
For the men who drink the beer
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
They are brave, they are bold
And the stories that are told
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
For it's guzzle, guzzle, guzzle
As they pour it down their muzzle
And shout out their orders loud and clear:
"More beer."
For it's more, more, more
As the cops break down the door
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
Won't you put it in your mouth Mrs. Murphy,
For it only weighs a quarter of a pound,
It's got hair on its neck like a turkey
And it spits when you rub it up and down.
If I had the wings of an eagle
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I'd fly up to the top of the mountain
And jack off on the man in the moon.
Now you say you're still a virgin
But you're cherry is not there anymore,
So why don't you quit trying to be so perfect
And do the thing that you're best known for.
For now you've got a throat like Linda Lovelace
And a cunt like the great cathouse whore,
So why don't you please do my pecker a favor
And deep throat me on the barroom floor.
Now we've got a team called_______,
And peckers as long as a broom,
So won't you please do your pussy a favor
And keep us mother fuckers out of your room.
We'll eat you, beat you, and mistreat you,
While we're singing our dirtiest verse,
Then we'll stick it in your ear and dick you from the rear,
For that's how we build up our thirst.
Sung by the whore house quartet.
Did you go and get it? Not yet.
Are you gonna get it? You bet.
Who you gonna get it from? Ginnette.
073 My God How The Money Rolls In
(Sung to the tune of "Bring Back My Bonnie")
CHORUS:
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in.
My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes illicit gin,
My sister sells kisses to sailors,
My God how the money rolls in.
My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, sharp, and thin,
He only does one operation,
My God how the money rolls in.
My aunt keeps a girl's seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin,
She doesn't ask where they finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business is in holes and in tin,
He'll plug your hole for a tanner,
My God how the money rolls in.
My sister's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she strips to the skin,
She's stripping from mom to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.
My brother's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin,
He'll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
My mother's a bawdy house keeper,
Every night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.
My grandad sells cheap prophylactics,
And punctures them all with a pin,
For grandma gets rich from abortions,
My God How the money rolls in.
My uncle is carving out candles,
From wax that is surgically soft,
He hopes it'll fill up the gap,
If ever his business wears off.
I've lost all me cash on the horses,
I'm sick from the illicit gin,
I'm falling in love with my father,
My God what a mess I'm in.
074 My Old Man
CHORUS:
Sing a little bit,
Fuck a little bit.
Follow the band, toot, toot,
Follow the band with your cock in your hand.
My old man was a miner, a miner,
Worked all day in the pit.
Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust,
And sometimes he'd shovel up shit.
My old man is a carpenter, a carpenter,
And a mighty fine carpenter is he.
All day long he screws screws in
And then he comes home screws me.
My old man is a taxidermist, taxidermist,
And a might fine taxidermist is he.
All day long he stuffs animals,
And then he comes home and stuffs me.
My old man is a trumpeter, a trumpeter,
And a very fine trumpeter is he.
All day long he blows trumpets,
And then he comes home and blows me.
075 Nelli 'Awkins
Recite (Cockney accent)
I first met Nellie 'Awkins
down the Old Kent Road.
Her drawers were hanging down,
'Cos she'd been with Charlie Brown,
I pressed a filthy tenner
in her filthy 'rotton 'hand.
And that's how it all begun.
Sung
She wore no blouses
And I wore no trousers,
And she wore no underclothes,
And when she caressed me
She danm near undressed me
It's a thrill that no one knows.
I went to the doctor,
He said, "Where have you knocked her?"
I said, "Down where the green grass grows."
He said, quick as a twinkle,
"The Dimple on your dinkle
Will be bigger than a red, red rose."
I caught a dose of Pox a year ago
Year ago year ago
I thought it was the knot rot
And it would go
But the longer it lasted
The worse it grew
And now I've got the galloping grot rot
What shall I dooo
A year ago I lost my starboard ball
And now the other ones begun to fall
I'm rotting away
I'll be sorry some day
C'os then I'll have no balls at all.
My Rhubarb refuses to rise
To its Natural size MARKET GARDENING size
My Rhubarb refuses to rise
Cos My Baby doesn't love me
My Baby doesn't love me
My Baby doesn't love me
No more or or!
076 Nelly Cartwright
CHORUS:Oh the moon shines down
on Nelly Cartwright,
She couldn't fart right,
her twat was airtight,
And though she tried
she couldn't start right,
With a knife she'd watched her
Promised Land.
Nell was a mountain maid
Who always was afraid,
That a drunken sot might fill her twat,
As she lay sleeping in the shade,
She took her fears in hand
and filled it up with sand
To keep the boys from stolen joys
In Nelly's Promised Land.
Now there was a trapper wise,
Who sought out Nelly's prize,
With a dead coyote on the end of his boot,
He made young Nelly open her eyes,
But as soon as she came to life
She reached for her hunting knife,
A flash in the air, a cry of despair,
And she severed his love life.
Oh women if you want to be wives
Put away those knives,
The men might pay for a lay in the hay,
But they're not gonna pay
for the rest of their lives,
My old mother said
if you're lying in your bed,
If you can't get aid, don't reach for a blade,
Have a bloody good fuck instead.
077 No Balls At All
CHORUS:No balls at all, no balls at all,
She married a man who had no balls at all.
Come all you drunkards, give ear to my tale,
This short little story will make you turn pale,
It's about a young lady - so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.
How well she remembers the night they were wed,
She rolled back the sheets and crept into bed,
She felt for his prick, how strange, it was small,
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all.
Mommy, oh mommy, oh pity my luck,
I've married a man who's unable to fuck,
His tool bag is empty, his screwdriver's small,
Tie impotent wretch has got no balls at all.
Daughter, my daughter, now don't be so sad,
I had the same trouble with your dear old dad,
There's many a man who'll come to the call,
Of the wife of the man who's got no balls at all.
The pretty young girl took her mother's advice,
And found the whole thing exceedingly nice,
An eleven pound baby wg bom in the fall,
To the wife of the man who has no balls at all.
The husband was joyous, got high as a kite,
The sight of that infant filled him with delight,
Though its head was too large, and its body too small,
The great thing about him - he had no balls at all.
078 Old King Cole
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle.
And a very fine fiddle had he.
Fiddle diddle de diddle de said the fiddler.
What merry men are we.
There's none so fair as can compare with the
boys of the (your team) RFC.
Replace underlined words with the following words for other verses:
Jugglers
Juggler -Balls
Balls
Toss your Balls in the air, in the air said the
jugglers
Barmaids
Barmaid ~ Cunt
Cunt
Pull it out, pull it out said the barmaids
Cyclists
Cyclist - Cycle
Cycle
Round and round said the cyclists
Flutists
Flutist -Flute
Flute
Root-diddly-oot-diddly-oot, said the flutists
Tailors
Tailor -Needle
Needle
Push it in and out, in and out said the tailor
Horsemen
Horseman - Horse
Horse
Wop it up and down, up and down said the
horsemen
Carpenters
Carpenter -Hammer
Hammer
Bang away, bang away said the carpenters
Coalmen
Coalmen - Shovel
Shovel
Do you want it in the front, or the back said the
coalmen
Surgeons
Surgeon -Scalpel
Scalpel
Cut it around the knob, and make it throb said the
surgeons
Butchers
Butcher -Cleaver
Cleaver
Put it on the block and chop it off said the
butchers
Parsons
Parson - Shroud
Shroud
"Goodness gracious me!" said the parsons
Fishermen
Fisherman -Fish
Fish
Minus six feet long said the fishermen
Huntsmen
Huntsman -Bow
Bow
Up with the horn, in the morn said the huntsmen
079 Once There Was A Servant Girl Whose Name Was Mary Jane
CHORUS:Singing bell-bottom trousers, coats of navy blue
Let him climb the rigging like his Daddy used to do.
Once there was a servant girl whose name was Mary Jane,
Her mistress she was good to her
She knew she was a country girl, just lately from the farm,
And so she did her bloody best to keep the girl from harm.
The forty-second Army Corps came in to paint the town,
A band of bawdy bastards and rapists of renown,
They busted every maidenhead, and staggered out again,
But they never made the servant girl who lived in Drury Lane.
Next there came the Fusiliers, and a band of Welsh Hussars
They piled into the brothels, they packed into the bars.
The maidens and the matrons were seduced with might and main,
But they never made the servant girl whose name was Mary Jane.
Early in the morning when the sailor'd had his grind
He gave to her a ten bob note to pacify his mind
Saying: "If you have a daughter bounce her on your knee,
If you have a son send the bastard out to sea."
Early one evening a sailor came to tea
And that was the start of all her misery,
At sea without a woman for forty months or more,
There wasn't any need to ask what he was looking for.
He asked her for a candle to light his way to bed,
He asked her for a pillow to rest his weary head,
Then using very gentle words, as if he meant no harm
He asked the maid to come to bed just to keep him warm.
She lifted up the covers
just a moment there to lie,
But he's got his dick inside her
before she could bat an eye,
And though he'd got her maidenhead
she showed no great alarm,
And the only words she said to him were:
"I hope you're keeping warm."
Now all you servant girls
take a warning from me,
Don't ever let a sailor
get an inch above the knee,
She trusted one, the ninny,
in his Naval uniform,
Now all she wants to do, me boys,
is keep the Navy warm.
080 O'Reilly's Daughter
CHORUS:Hi yi yi - Hi yi, yi, Hi yi yi,
The one-eyed Reilly. Rub-it-up,
shove-it-up, balls and all
Play it on your old base drum.
ALTERNATE CHORUS:Yi-di-l-ay, Yi-di-l-oh,
Yi-di-l-ay for the one-eyed Reilly.
Rub-it-up, shove-it-up, balls and all
Jig-a-jig. Très bon.
Jack O'Flannagan is my name,
I'm the king of copulation,
Drinking beer my claim to fame,
Shagging women my occupation.
Walking through the town one day,
Who should I meet but O'Reilly's daughter,
Not a word to her did say
But don't you think we really oughter.
Sitting one night in O'Reilly's bar
Drinking beer that was just like water,
Suddenly a thought ran through my head
I'd never tucked O'Reilly's daughter.
I took her gently by the hand
Led her upstairs like a lamb to slaughter,
Laid her gently on the bed
And quickly cocked my left leg over.
I tucked and tucked her on the bed,
Shagged and shagged until I stove her,
Having lost her maidenhead
She laughed like hell when the fun was over.
I fucked her standing I fucked her lying,
If she'd had wings I'd have fucked her flying.
I fucked her till her tits were flat,
Filled her up with soapy water,
She won't get away with that, if she doesn't
Have twins then she really oughter.
I heard footsteps on the stairs,
Old Man Reilly bent on slaughter,
With two pistols in his hand
Looking for the man who fucked his daughter.
I grabbed O'Reilly by the hair,
Stuck his bead in a bucket of water,
Rammed his pistols up his arse,
Damned quicker than I shagged his daughter.
Come you virgins, maidens fair,
Answer me quick and true no slyly,
Do you want it fair and straight and square,
Or the way I give it to the one-eyed Reilly.
Now I'm growing old and grey
And my tool is growing shorter,
But until my dying day I'll remember O'Reilly's daughter.
081 O Unhappy Bella
Bella was young and Bella was fair,
With bright blue eyes and golden hair,
O unhappy Bella!
Her step was light and her heart was gay,
But she had no sense, and one fine day
She got herself put in the family way
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
Poor Bella was young, she didn't believe
That the world is hard and men deceive,
O unhappy Bella!
She said, "My man will do what's just,
He'll marry me now, because he must."
Her heart was full of loving trust
In a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
She went to his house; the dirty skunk
Had packed his bags and done a bunk,
0 unhappy Bella!
Her landlady said, "Get out, you whore,
I won't have your sort a-darkening my door."
Poor Bella was put to affliction sore
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
All night she tramped the cruel snows,
What she must have suffered nobody knows,
O unhappy Bella!
And when the morning dawned so red,
Alas, alas, poor Bella was dead,
Sent so young to her lonely bed
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
So thus, you see, do what you will,
The fruits of sin are suffering still,
O unhappy Bella!
As into the grave they laid her low,
The men said, "Alas, but life is so."
But the women chanted, sweet and low,
"It's all the men, the dirty bastards!"
082 Poor Little Angelina
She was sweet sixteen on the village green,
Pure and innocent was Angeline,
A virgin still, never known a thrill
Poor little Angeline.
At the village fair the Squire was there
Masturbating on the village square
When he chanced to see the dainty knee
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the village squire had but one desire
To be the biggest fucker
in the whole damn shire,
He had set his heart on the vital part
Of poor little Angeline.
As she lifted up her skirt to avoid the dirt
She slipped in a puddle of the Squire's last squirt,
At the sight he saw, how his dick grew raw
For poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat and said:
"Miss, your cat
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat
Now my car is in the square
and I'll take you there
Oh poor little Angeline."
Now the filthy old turd
should have got the bird
But she climbed right in with a word,
As they drove away you could hear them:
"Poor little Angeline."
They had not gone far
when he stopped the car
And took little Angeline into a bar,
Where he gave her gin just to make her sin
Poor little Angeline.
When he'd oiled her well
he took her to a dell
There to give her bloody tucking hell,
And he tried his luck with a low down fuck
On poor little Angeline.
With a cry of "Rape" he raised his cape,
Poor little Angeline had no escape,
Now it
