Below is the plain text of Stray Dog's ca 2001 digital songbook.
If you wish to verify the text, please download the original
TXT file.
Ceremonial Songs
Down Down Songs
1
Traditional Down Down Song
Here's to _____, he's true blue.
He's a hasher through and through,
He's a pisspot so they say.
Tried to get to heaven,
But he went the other way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
2
Why Are We Waiting?
(To: Oh, Come All Ye Faithful)
Good for slow drinkers at the Down Down,
hurrying up barmaids or slow beermasters.
Why are we waiting,
Could be masturbating,
Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting,
So fuck-ing long.
Why are we wait-ing,
Could be fornicating,
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing,
So fucking long!
(repeat as needed)
(Cleaner version for public singing.)
Why are we wait-ing,
Why-y are we waiting,
Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting
So bloody long?
Why are we wait-ing,
Why-y are we wa-ai-ting?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing,
So bloody long?
3
He Ought to Be
Publically Pissed Upon
(Done to humble a
hasher, usually after a
down down song, but
sometimes as the down
down song.)
He (she) ought to be publicly pissed upon.
He (she) ought to be publicly shot (Bang
Bang!)
He (she) ought to be tied to a urinal
And kept there to fester and rot.
(Sometimes mooning the recipient)
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
4
Okinawa Down Down Song
This is the song Okinawa used from its first
hashes, which spread to many others over
the years. Started on cue, originally in
Japanese, from the RA, English is used in
other hashes: "Readyyy, Go!". Used in some
hashes to liven up a drinking contest.
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy
(gal).
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy
(gal).
So drink, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a horse's ass!
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
5
Why Was He (She) Born So Beautiful?
(Done as a tribute to hasher, usually after a
down down song, but sometimes as the down
down song.)
Why was he (she) born so beautiful,
Why was he (she) born at all.
He's (she's) no fucking use to anyone,
He's (she's) no fucking use at all.
He (she) might be a joy to his (her) mother,
But he's (she's) a pain in the asshole to me!
(Sometimes mooning the recipient)
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
(Alternate verse to a harriette)
Why was she born so beautiful?
Why was she born a bitch?
She's no bloody use to anyone,
She's only got one tit.
6
He's the Meanest
(To: Okinawa Down Down Song)
He's the meanest,
He sucks the horse's penis,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
All he does is pound it,
Ever since he found it,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
He's always pissing on us,
He's rotten and dishonest,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
7
Here's to Brother Hasher
(To: Ach, Du; Lieber Augustin)
(You may substitute sister for brother.)
Here's to brother hasher(s),
Brother hasher(s), brother hasher(s),
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
He's (Their) happy, he's (their) jolly,
He's (Their) fucked up by golly,
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
So drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
8
Zulu Warrior
Ola zooma zooma zooma,
Ola zooma zooma chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief!
9
Shiggy-Shaggy
This is used as a replacement for "Down
down down down" while waiting for a slow
drinker or just to rev-up the pack.
Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy
Oi! Oi! Oi! etc...
(Continue until down down is completed.)
10
Hashstones
(To: The Flintstones)
Hashers, meet the Hashers,
They're the biggest drunks in history.
From the hash of (your hash here),
They're the leaders in debauchery.
Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years.
Watch them, as they down a lot of beers.
(same tune as first four lines)
Down down, down down down down,
Down, down down down down down down,
down, down.
Down down, down down down down,
Down, down down down down down down,
down, down!
(Repeat until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
11
The Hash House Harriers
(To: Addams Family)
Their drinking is compulsive and,
Their running is convulsive.
They're morally repulsive,
The Hash House Harriers.
Chorus
(Snap fingers twice with words "Down
Down")
Da da da da, Down Down.
Da da da da, Down Down.
Da da da daa, Da da da daa,
Da da da da, Down Down.
Their flatulence is rude and,
Their genitals protrude when,
They're running in nude in,
The Hash House Harriers.
They're always shiggy tracking,
From constantly bushwhacking,
Intelligence they're lacking,
The Hash House Harriers.
Down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
12
Drink, Drink, Drink!
(To: Drink, Drink, Drink)
Drinker begins at start of song. Really good
to encourage new hashers and slow drinkers.
Drink, drink, drink, you great hash-er,
Lift, your beer and be merry this day,
Drink, drink, drink, you mad hash-er,
Quick, like hashers and drain it away.
Chorus
Join all the hashers who down-downed before,
Merrily, merrily, drinking some more.
Don't lose it over your head when you're done,
Drink it up, drink it up, 'til it is gone.
Drink, drink, drink, you slow hash-er,
Lift, your beer and be merry this day,
Drink, drink, drink, you poor bastard,
Wimp, why can't you just drain it away.
(After chorus, repeat last verse and chorus
for slow drinkers until done.)
13
Down Down Beer
(To: Jingle Bells)
Another, more seasonal, down down
alternative.
Down down beer,
Down down beer,
Down down all the way.
Lift that mug of Christmas cheer,
And drink the hasher way-ay!
Down down beer,
Down down beer,
Down down all the way.
Lift that mug of Christmas cheer,
And drink the hasher way.
Drinking down down down down,
Down down down down,
etc.
14
Where, Oh Where
(To: Where, Oh Where Are You Tonight)
from Hee Haw
Where, oh where were you hashing last time?
Why did you leave us here all alone?
We hashed the world over,
While you tried to get some,
You met another,
And BBBLLLHHH! You was gone!
(alt: You went to another and BBBLLLHHH!
Now you drink!)
Drink it down, down, down, down...
BBBLLLHHH! Raspberry, on a hot day can
be done with a shower of beer from a well
shaken can, or like Hee Haw, just spittle at
the pack! 15
A Hash Disgrace
(To: Amazing Grace)
A hash disgrace I (we) missed this place,
More than twice Ya'll know.
For this my (our) crime I'll (we'll) do my
(our) time,
A down down it must go!
For telling lies of criss crossed thighs,
And I (we) will masturbate.
We all know ___________, you are a swine,
So do your down down and go!
(for Harrierette)
Now go and cum and run for fun,
Drink your beer and foam,
And don't forget to lick your lips,
While I give your hips my bone!
Drink it down, down, down , down ....
16
Consider Yourself
(To: Consider Yourself)
Consider yourself, On Home,
Consider yourself, one of the harriers,
We've taken to you, so strong,
It's clear, we're, going to get along.
Consider yourself, Vir-gin,
Consider yourself, part of festivities,
Just grab up that mug, don't fear,
And drink, up, or wear your next beer.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") 17
Does a Hasher?
(To: Sailor's Hornpipe)
Does a hasher like to walk,
Does a hasher like to run,
Does a hasher like to be,
Where they're having all the fun?
Can he drink a 12-ounce beer,
While his friends all sing and cheer,
Now your time has come,
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
18
Ft. Eustis Down Down Song
We're the ______ Hashers,
We're glad to be here,
We'll shortcut your trails,
and drink all your beer!
We'll fuck all your women,
and puke in your car,
We're the ______ Hashers,
The best Hash by far!!!
(To Violators)
Pack:
You worthless, sniveling piece of trash
Now you've gone and shown your ass!!!
GM:
Your behaviors unfit!!!
RA:
You must learn Hash Tradition!!!
Pack:
So charge your vessel and assume the position
On your knees, Asshole!!!(sarcastic)
Drink it down, down, down, down...
For the slow drinker...
(Slow)
Drink it down
(Fast)
Drink it down
Drink it down
Drink it down
(Slow)
Drink it down
(Fast)
Drink it down
Drink it down
Drink it down
All this time that it's taking,
I know that they're faking,
We could be masturbating,
I fear,
Now we've run out of song,
And we won't get a long,
Until you finish,
...That Fucking Beer!!!!
19
Hash Dog
(To: Bird Dog)
Horny is a bastard (From the Hash)
A very sneaky bastard (From the Hash)
But when he fucks my honey (He's a Dog)
He doesn't give me money (What a Dog)
Horny is a hasher that's a tryin' to steal my
baby (He's a Hash Dog)
Down down, down down down downnn.
Down down, down down, down down down
downnn.
Chorus
Hey, Hash Dog get away from my tail,
Hey, Hash Dog you're on the wrong trail.
Hash Dog you'd better leave my little pussy
love alone...
Hey, Hash Dog get away from my chick,
Hey, Hash Dog you'd better put away your dick.
Hash Dog you'd better find a little pus-sy of
your own.
Down down down, down down down downnn.
Down down, down down, down down down
downnn. 20
I Hit You Tree
(To: I Got You, Babe)
Good for cabaret where one hasher
introduces himself as Michael Kennedy and
the other as Sonny Bono, then begin to sing.
Michael: "They say that we can't go down the
hill, Before we go we really should write a will".
Sonny: "Well I don't know if all that's true,
Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it
really grew."
Sonny: "Tree."
Both: "I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree."
Mike: They say football on skis is really
dumb, Before we know it we'll both be very
numb.
Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind's in our
hair, You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree.
Sonny: I got flowers on my grave. It was
stupid. We seemed brave.
Mike: And we weren' t drunk, just acting like
clowns. We didn't see the tree, but we sure
found the ground.
Mike: Don't let them say that we can't ski,
We were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that
goddamn tree.
Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch,
Thought I' d break my fall, but wound up
buying the ranch.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree.
Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand.
Mike: She had you then found a real man.
Sonny: I had Newt to think with me.
Mike: I had Ted to drink with me.
Sonny: I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
Mike: Split my skull from left to right.
Sonny: I hit the tree, I can't let go.
Mike: My blood is dripping on the snow.
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree. I hit you,
tree. I hit you, tree.
21
Mr. Blue Balls
(To: Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah)
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
My oh my oh, what a miserable lay.
Chorus
Haring is great but,
Beerings the best,
Time for your down-down,
Put ice on the chest.
Slap your ass cheeks 'round that ice hole,
It's a fact,
It's irrefutable,
It's cold right on your pubicals.
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Down-downs are better than your miserable
lay.
Mr. Blue Balls formed an icicle
He's all cold,
And furry too,
Better find something to screw.
Oh, zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Hope you like ice,
'Cause that's where you'll stay.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
22
Suck-Swallow
Chanted. Used as a replacement for "down,
down, down, down" to hurry slow drinkers.
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Breeathee!
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Breeathee!
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
23
There Was a Little Bird
(To: There Was A Little Bird)
There was a little bird,
No bigger than a turd,
A-sittin' on a telephone pole.
He ruffled up his neck,
And shit about a peck,
He puckered up his little asshole.
(point at violators)
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,
He puckered up his little asshole.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
24
Traditional Down Down Song II
Here's to _____, he's (she's) true blue.
He's (she's) a hasher through and through.
He's (she's) a pisspot, so they say.
He'll (she'll) never to get to heaven,
In a long, long way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
25
Traditional Down Down Song III
Alternate words to the traditional hash down
down song.
Here's to _____, he don't screw,
He's a asshole, through and through,
He's a shithead, so they say,
Tried to be a hetro,
But he went the other way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
Birthday Songs
26
Happy Birthday Fuck You
(To: Happy Birthday)
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, you asshole,
Happy birthday, fuck you.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
27
Happy Birthday Down Down Song
(To: Okinawa Down Down Song)
Here's to ______, he's (she's) true blue,
It's his (her) birthday, boo hoo hoo,
He (She) is (age) if she's a day,
Wishes he (she) was younger,
But there's no way!
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
28
Happy Birthday to You
(To: Happy Birthday)
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like a hasher,
And you smell like one too.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
29
You're 50 Years Old (or 30, 40, 60, etc.)
(To: Oliver)
Substitute any decade, 30, 40, 50, etc., even
any age.
You're 50 years old, ______.
You've finally reached half of a century.
We hope you've got what it takes,
To stay - a-live till you're 51!
Maybe it's time to take some respite,
From these trashing days;
The end of your hashing days is near,
Let's hope the hash brewmaster,
Doesn't kill you first,
With that home-brew shit he calls beer!
You're 50 years old, ______.
Here's wishing you lots of luck,
And hoping that the future holds,
In store for you,
50 more years to fuck!
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
Calls to the Circle
30
Interhasher Anthem
(To: Pomp and Circumstances)
Come on Interhashers,
Lift your beers and shout.
We are interhashers,
What we've got we flout.
Close the narrow circle,
Gather round the beer.
Hashing, Wanking, Drinking,
That is why we're here.
Hashing, Wanking, Drinking,
That is why we're here. 31
Sing, You Fucker, Sing! (Salutations)
Used to coerce a hasher into singing.
For a Harrier:
We call upon ______,
To give us a song,
So sing, you fucker, sing!
And if you don't sing,
You can show us your schwing.
We don't want to see your moldy old schwing!
So sing you fucker, sing!
For a Harriette:
We call upon ______,
To give us a song,
So sing, you fucker, sing!
And if you don't sing,
You can show us your tits.
We don't want to see your sagging old tits!
So sing you fucker, sing! 32
Who's Who
Done as cadence, usually led by RA. Used
for a person in the mismanagement with a
sense of humor or used sparingly to test the
humor of someone who is being a jerk at the
hash. The blanks filled in by the name of the
hash and the name of the person in
appropriate spots.
1
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______! (Name repeated twice)
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off! (Name
repeated 3 times)
2
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off!
3
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off!
(Other lines to create more verses done as
above.)
Who short cuts in the first half mile.
Who pisses and shits all over the trail.
Who never works checks or any bad trails.
Who pisses off the Pack: everytime he speaks.
Who never sings aloud in the down down circle.
Who's leaving now for a piece of tail.
(Make up your own verses)
In the Circle
33
A Prayer
(To: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin)
(Do as a chant. The chant alone without,
the following song is frequently done by
RA's to start hashes or down downs.)
Leader: And now, hashers, a prayer,
Leader: A Prayer for the constipated.
Response: SHIT!
Leader: A prayer for the inebriated.
Response: PISS!
Leader: A prayer for the frustrated.
Response: FUCK!
Leader: A prayer for the dehydrated.
Response: BEER!
Leader: A prayer for the emasculated.
Response: BALLS!
(Continued on next page...)
(sing)
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, Bengelstein, Bengelstein,
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He sits on the steeple and shits on the people,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He keeps us all waiting, while he's masturbating,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He tried Mrs. Bengelstein, but she's old and
rotten in-between,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He ups and he downs them, he fucking well
grounds them,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
34
A Small Hymn
Chant slowly with reverence.
Hymn, Hymn,
Fuck him.
35
Olly, Olly, Olly
A cheer to get the pack rev'd up.
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
Songmaster: Olly!
Pack: Oii!
Songmaster: Olly!
Pack: Oii!
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
36
Blessing of the Hares
Chanted, usually by the RA before the hash
begins. Add or delete as needed.
Bless these hares,
Bless this trail,
Coppus no catch us,
Farmer no shoot us,
Doggus no bite us,
Heatus no stroke us,
Plenty of cold beer to drink,
Coitus non interruptus. 37
Hail To The Chief
(To: Hail to the Chief (Sousa presidential
fanfare version.))
This one was composed about the time of the
scandal in the Clinton presidency in the U. S.
Hail to the Chief, our leader and our brother,
Morals and virtue, he teaches us integrity.
He'll fuck your wife, or your daughter or
your mother,
They will blow him happily on bended knee.
Long may he reign, he rules us like no o-other.
Lift up your beers for sexual liberty!
(slower tempo)
Beer, broads and barfing round our cir-cle of
friends,
(faster)
Hail to the Chief, we hope it nev-er ends.
38
Toasts
Here's to the gash that never heals,
The more you touch it the better it feels,
Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell,
You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell.
Here's to the girl that lives on the hill,
If she won't do it her sister will.
Here's to her sister!
Here's to the breezes,
That blow through the treeses,
And lift the girls dresses ,
Way over their kneeses,
And show us the creases,
That twitches and squeezes,
And teases and pleases,
And carries diseases,
By Jesus!
Here's to the girl that I love best,
I lover her best when she's undressed,
I fuck her sitting, standing, and lying,
And if she had wings, I'd fuck her flying.
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten.
If I had a dog who could piss this stuff,
(Holding up Beer),
And if I knew he could piss enough,
I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed,
And suck his dick till we both dropped dead.
Here's to the lady dressed in black,
Once she walks by she never looks back,
And when she kisses, oh how sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.
Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!
Times are hard,
And wages are small,
So drink more beer,
And fuck them all.
39
Dumb Shit
(To: Music Man)
Refrain from Music Man. Used for someone
who screws up at the down down.
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb shit, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
(Continue as needed.)
40
Piss Off, Ya Wank
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off.
41
We're Here Because
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here,
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here.
(Repeat until interest wanes.)
42
What a Wank
(To: William Tell Overture)
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank, wank, wank, wank wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
43
Where Is Our Beer?
(To: Ta-ra-ra Boom De-Ay)
Start slow and speed it up and raise the
volume on repeats for best effect.
To waitress:
Where is our bloody beer?
We're getting thirsty here!
If you like tips my dear,
Get us our bloody beer!
We ran from far and near,
To drink your bloody beer,
Can't wait another year,
We want our bloody beer!
(Repeat as needed)
To biermeister/hare/mismanagement:
Where is our fucking beer?
We're getting thirsty here!
This hash is very queer,
Without our fucking beer!
We ran from far and near,
To drink your fucking beer,
Can't wait another year,
We want our fucking beer!
(Repeat as needed)
Wedding Songs
44
Hash Wedding Song
(To: Amazing Grace)
Pack song for a wedding hash, preceding
down downs for bride and groom.
Today we wed ________ to ________,
We heard them say "I do."
Give it your best,
For the next forty years,
But first drink down your beers.
For the Start
45
On On
(To: Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee)
Good for starting out a hash or when the
trail is cleared at a particularly difficult
check.
On On On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On,
On On On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On.
On On On On Onn, On-On On On,
Onn, On-On On On On On Onnn.
On Onnn On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On.
Farewell
46
Farewell Song
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
We bid farewell to ______,
To hash in other lands,
We bid farewell to ______,
To hash in other lands.
May all your hash trails end with beer,
May all your trails have beer,
We bid farewell to ______,
Now here is one more beer.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
47
Hash Hymn
(To: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot)
Sing with gestures, as actions speak much
louder than words. Standard hash
benediction closing down-downs.
Songmaster says, 'Respect for the Hash Hymn'
Chorus
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home.
I looked over Jordon,
And what did I see-ee,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
A band of An-gels,
Cumin' after me-ee,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
(Songmaster says, '2nd verse')
If you get there be-four I doo,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Tell all my friends I'm cumin' twoo,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
(Songmaster says, '3rd verse')
I'm sometimes up, I'm some-times down,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
But still my sole feels heav-en-ly bound,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Options:
Songmaster says, 'Harlots', then women do
chorus in high pitched voices, screaming in
high pitched, exagerated climax at the each
pause.
Songmaster says, 'Real Men', then men do
chorus in low, deep voices, exagerating the
size of their penis in the 'cumin' gesture by
hold both hands apart in sweeping, two-
handed masturbating gesture and swinging
hands low to the ground with 'swing
low'
Songmaster says, 'Ray Charles', then pack
closes eyes and sings chorus with gestures,
moving head from side to side with the beat.
Songmaster says, 'Humming', then pack
hums chorus with gestures.
Songmaster says, 'Silently', then pack does
chorus silently with gestures only, following
the lead of the songmaster. Songmasters who
screw up the gestures significantly are
traditionally awarded a down down after the
song.
Songmaster says, 'Helen Keller', then pack
closes eyes and does chorus with gestures
only, saying "Wa Wa" whenever Jordon
comes up.
Songmaster says, 'Fast Finish', then pack
sings loud and fast with gestures)
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home.
(Slowly)
Cumin' four two carry me home.
Hash Hymn Gesture Dictionary
All - Make wide sweeping gesture with
hands outward.
Angels - Flap hands to side as though flying.
Band - Hold hands in front of you, cuffing
the fingers and making a gesture as though
playing the slide of a trombone.
Be-four - hold up four fingers.
Carry - Put hands together in front and
briskly swing them back and forth as though
cradling a baby.
Cumin' - Cuff hand and make a masterbation
gesture. (Some hashers mask the motion with
slight of hand by first moving the other hand
behind their head and patting it a split seond
before the masterbating gesture, sometimes
coughing at the same time).
Chariot - Shake both hands outward as
though holding the reins and make horse
whinnying noises.
Doo - Put hands on hips and squat as though
taking a crap.
Down - Put index and thumb together near
crotch as if holding a small penis then move
the hand downward slightly and wiggle it briskly.
Four - Hold up four fingers.
Friends - Cuff fingers of left hand held
outward in front, with thumb and index
finger forming a circle. Rapidly insert and
withdraw the index finger of the right hand
into the circle in a universal fornication gesture.
Home - Hold arms above your head, fingers
extended and touching together forming a
'roof' over your head.
I - Point to your eye with your index finger
I'm - Point to your chest with your index finger
Heavenly Bound - With hand holding foot,
swing it into the air.
Jordon - (River Jordon, traditional) Move
hands outward, then right to left, wiggling
fingers in a wave motion. (Michael Jordon,
U.S.) Make a basketball jump shot motion.
Looked - Shading eyes with hand and
moving head back and forth as if searching.
Me or My - Point to your chest with your
index finger.
Over - Sweep hand from 'Looked' position outward.
See - Point index finger from 'I' position outward.
Sole - Point to bottom of shoe.
Still - (as in distiller) Make drinking gesture
with hand, moving head backward.
Sweet - Kiss 1st and 2nd finger and thumb
together, throwing the kiss outward.
Swing Low - Intertwine fingers forming a
cradle and with arms down, swing them back
and forth.
Tell - Put back of hand to mouth, rapidly
moving thumb with fingers as in speaking gesture.
There - Point back over your shoulder with
your index finger.
Two - Hold up two fingers.
Up - Cuff fingers in front as holding a long
penis then move the hand upward.
What - Hands out to side, palms up as in a question.
You - Point outward with index finger. Holiday Songs
Christmas
48
A Christmas Carol
(To: Silent Night)
Sodomy, masturbate,
Fellatio, copulate,
Round the world and Hershey highway,
Fornicating in the hay,
These are tricks that I lo-ove,
These are tricks that I love.
Condom, prophylactic,
Spermicide does the trick.
IUD's and birth control pills,
Pull it out and let it spill,
These will make it sa-afe,
These will make it safe.
49
A Christmas Poem
(To: Chopsticks)
Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recite.
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's
a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know
that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his
workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's
ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of
his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in
a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing
for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get
hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
(Continued...)
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he
might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace
on earth."
51
A Little Christmas Poem
Santa comes but once a year,
With lots and lots of toys.
Dildos and lace for little girls,
Rubbers for little boys.
Viagra for Dad,
Midol for Mom,
And whips and chains,
For Uncle Tom.
Santa comes but once a year,
But what a frigging year!
52
Ancient Hash Song
(To: Tidings of Comfort and Joy)
A hasher is a manly chap,
He's full of vim and vigor,
And maidens gather round in droves,
To see his manly figure.
Of flashing thighs and knobby knees,
He makes a splendid sight,
And all the girls do seek of him,
To spend with them the night,
At this ancient sport he does excel,
None is better in the land,
Tis only on a Monday night,
He needs a bit of a hand.
But Tuesday sees him big and bold,
If a little red of eye,
He tells himself he's not so old,
And has another try.
As lovers go he is the best,
The girls cannot go wrong.
Where others limp and sweat and pant,
The hasher cries, "On-On!"
Now you may think this splendid brute,
Is more animal than man,
But concealed inside his lofty head,
Is more than a empty beer can.
Of intellect he is most high,
Long words come naturally,
In more than a dozen languages,
He cries, "Jeez, I need a pee!"
On Monday night great minds confer,
To put the world to right.
Engineers and scientists,
Politicians from Left and Right.
It really is a treasure trove,
Of wit and repartee,
Foul language is never heard,
Just the occasional "Cooee."
This lofty band,
This group most high,
Gentlemen, one and all,
If only the world was made of such,
Then life would be a ball.
In this modern world we find,
Such violence and sin,
Isn't it a comfort then,
To find this band of men.
Whose only care is a maiden's prayer,
And to keep them safe from harm.
Oh, fret not, pretty maiden,
A hasher will keep you warm.
Not only warm but fed and clothed,
With oils he'll anoint your body,
And all he wants in return,
Is the occasional bit of nooky!
(continued...)
And when a Hasher's run is o'er,
To the Golden Gate he goes.
St. Peter studies the Hash Cash book,
To see what he might owe.
"Tha's fully paid, oop, no problem there,
And what's this I see here?
The likes of a bit of hot nooky,
After a few cold beers.
Tha's just the sort we need oop 'ere,
So tha can move along,
Vestal Virgins is on the left."
The hasher cried, "On-On!"
53
And So This is Hashmas
(To: And So This is Christmas)
And so this is Hashmas,
And a happy new year,
Get in a drunk punch-up,
And get socked in the ear.
(hold your ear, then)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh
And so this is Hashmas,
With a wink and a leer,
Let's eat too much turkey,
And drink lots of beer.
(hold your belly)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh.
And so this is Hashmas,
No need to look glum,
We'll drink too much whiskey,
And fall on our bum.
(grab your ass)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh
And so this is Hashmas,
What a load of old crap,
Let's put it up your bottom,
And cum on your back.
(gesture accordingly)
Oooh-aarh-oooh-aarh
54
Bad King Hashmas
(To: Good King Wenceslas)
Bad King Hashmas spent the lot,
On some horse called Steven,
Was the bloke out to lunch or what,
The odds weren't nearly even,
Now that all the beer money's spent,
Life will seem quite cruel,
Might as well go home to the wife,
And send the kids to school.
55
Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer?
(To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer?
You can substitute "bloody" for "fucking"
while in more public areas. Shouldn't be too
hard to get the pack to learn and participate
in the last three lines.
The trail mark said that beer was near,
But ne'er a beer was found.
The Hare was lost, the GM drunk,
And still the the trail it wound.
The RA screamed out, "Kill the hare!"
The wankers they did sound,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where's the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
Then down the trail came kegs of beer,
Heaped up upon a sleigh.
A fat old man was riding there,
With frothing beard of grey.
His steeds with horns were mighty queer,
He heard the hashers say,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
He tossed a keg then rode away,
The bloody sleigh it flew.
(Continued...)
The strange old man, he saved the day,
As hashers grabbed the brew.
And as the last was put away,
The hashers screamed anew,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
They never found the hare that day,
The trail ran out of hash.
The GM passed out on some hay,
The RA had to dash.
No down downs then were possible,
There was no bloody bash,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
56
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire
(To: The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole)
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost ripping up your nose,
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire,
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the
snow,
Helps to make the season right,
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,
Will find it hard to see tonight.
They know that Santa is on his way,
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh,
And every mother's child is sure to spy,
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Screw you.
57
De Ebonics Crimmus
Pome
Recite. Best done as
li
ke Rap. Intended for
hum
or, not to be racially
dero
gatory.
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And
all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrant fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
58
Deck the Halls (Politically Correct
Version)
(To: Deck The Halls)
Deck the halls with boughs of,
Non-endangered plant species,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Toll the ancient,
Non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing log of,
Non-denominational-winter-solstice-,
Holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Play the harp without unnecessary,
Brutality and join the chorus,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Sing we emotionally stable,
In a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Heedless of the weather patterns,
Despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the mature year passes,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Hail the new year without,
Any implicit ageism, ye persons,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Dance in a non-hierarchical,
Manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
While I tell of non-materialistic,
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday
treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 59
Give It a Blow
(To: Let it Snow)
Well the weather outside is frightful,
But my dick is so delightful.
If you really want to see it grow,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
My dick is ready for hopping.
If you want a really good show,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
When it's time to kiss good-night,
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
Be careful now don't you bite,
With your tongue I will make you warm.
The fire is slowly dying,
And my dear, we're still good-bye-ing,
But as long as you want me so,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
60
Hark the Harriet Spinsters Sing
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: Hark the Herald Angels Sing)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
Please on earth, some shagging wild!
We're fed up being meek and mild.
Joyful all you real men rise,
Join the triumph in my thighs,
With the angelic host proclaim,
A Christmas shag is my aim.
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
Hail the heaving Prince of pleasure,
As he pumps into my Treasure.
Delight and ecstasy with his shag,
No more 4 pack and a fag.
Wild he lays our glorious thighs,
No more vibrators, Wot a size!
Born to make our pussy's wet,
Watch us writhe and make us sweat,
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
61
Hasher Chorus
(To: Hallelujah
Chorus)
Harriers:
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my-y butt out.
Please lick my sweaty cojones,
Lick my smegma, lick my smegma,
Lick my smegma, lick my smegma!
Please eat my crusty brown asshole,
Dinkleberries, for the fairies,
Dinkleberries, for the fairies!
Harriettes:
Eat my pussy,
Eat my pussy,
Eat my pussy, Eat my pussy,
Eat my-y pussy.
Please lick my lovely clitoris,
It's so juicy, it's so juicy,
It's so juicy, it's so juicy! Please lick my tight little anus,
It's so mushy, it's so mushy,
It's so mushy, it's so mushy!
All:
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Halle-e-lujah.
Let's circle up now and have the Down-Downs,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er?
Hares in the circle for a Down-Down,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares!
Hal-le-lu-jah..!
62
Hashmas Chopsticks
(To: Chopsticks)
Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recite.
'Twas the morning of hashmas
And in the Hash House,
Not a hasher was stirring
Nor his trouser mouse.
All the beer kegs were drunk,
By the hashers with care,
In hopes that the Biermeister,
Soon would be there.
He's bringing lot's of cheer,
Some wine - and beer,
But wait until you see,
Hares throw up on the tree!
So, On! G M, On! R A,
On! Hash Horn and On Sec,
From K L to London to L A to Quebec.
To the top of the hill,
And then over the wall,
Here they come and they're sayin',
"Merry Hashmas to all!"
63
Here Cums Clinton
(To: Here Comes Santa Claus)
Here cums Clinton,
Here cums Clinton,
Right on Monica's dress.
Newt's in an uproar,
Talk on the House floor,
Hillary's doing her best.
Elephants crying,
Donkeys praying,
"Impeachment don't you dare!"
Try as they will,
Pollsters show still,
Americans really don't care.
64
Here's the Season
(To: Deck the Halls)
Here's the season to be greedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Eat until you feel quite seedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Lots of beer and food and lollies,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
In the morning you'll be sorry,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
We always put up our Christmas stocking,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Santa might give us something to cock in,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Last year he said he wouldn't come round here,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Some bastard stuffed it up his reindeer,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
(Continued...) Get the maid under the mistletoe,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
If the wife sees you'll soon know,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Is that what they mean by sticky pudd'n,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Serves you right if you get dripping,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
65
I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus
(To: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus,
Underneath the Christmas tree at noon.
She didn't see me creep,
Down the stairs to have a peep,
She thought that I was napping,
In my bedroom fast asleep.
Then I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus,
Underneath his swaying big fat moon.
What a sight that would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy fucking Santa Claus at noon!
66
I'm Dreaming of a Pink Pussy
(To: White Christmas)
I'm dreaming of a pink pussy,
Just like the ones I used to screw,
With a sweet aroma,
Thank really shows ya',
Thank cunnilingus is for you.
I'm dreaming of my love's pussy,
Each time I jack off in the night.
May her thighs be creamy and white,
And may her vagina be tight.
67
I've A Bone For Christmas
(To: I'll Be Home for Christmas)
I've a bone for Christmas,
You can count on me.
Just a blow and mistletoe,
And condoms on the tree.
Far from home you'll find me,
Wanking till I scream.
I've a bone for Christmas,
If only in my dream.
68
Jingle Balls
Chorus
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked in this
way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked
Christmas day.
Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls
more slack,
Bouncing up and down, as we run to and fro,
We'll jingle with our gen-i-tals wherever we
may go.
69
Jungle Smell
(To: Jingle Bells)
Chorus
Jungle smell, jungle smell,
Shig-gy all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to run,
Through a swamp on Sun-un-day, hey!
Jungle smell, jungle smell,
Shig-gy all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to run,
Through a swamp on Sun-un-daay.
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way.
All those SCB's,
Cursing all the way.
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way.
All those drunkard SCB's,
Cursing all the way.
(to chorus)
70
The Legal Night Before Christmas
Recitation, quickly in the monotoned fashion
of a lawyer reading a brief.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to
Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter
"the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited
to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking,
socks, etc., had been affixed by and around
the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would
arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House, were located in their
individual beds and were engaged in
nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein
vision of confectionery treats, including, but
not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise
appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part
(sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"),
being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for
a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the
parties were clad in various forms of
headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or
warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a
certain disruption of unknown nature, cause
and/or circumstance. The party of the first part
did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did
observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
"Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction,
instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-
conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further
asserted that an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus,
the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and
(Continued...)
willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages,
toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which
was partially covered with residue from the
chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be
tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of
local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began
to fill the stocking of the minor children,
which hung adjacent to the chimney, with
toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor
pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched
the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or
ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited
and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown
destination.
However, prior to the departure of the
Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and
to all a good night!" Or words to that effect
also in violation of local environmental
Noise Control regulations.
Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch 71
The Little Late Bastard
(To: Away in the Manger)
Away in the shiggy,
The FRB led.
The Little Late Bastard,
Was getting some head.
The hares on the tra-ail,
The hash did they lay.
The little late bastard,
Passed out on the hay.
The cattle were worried,
As hashers ran near,
But Little Late Bastard,
He needed a beer.
While hashers were sweating,
The Late One was spry.
The keg in the pick-up,
Was now half-way dry.
The hashers were near now,
The hares coming in.
The late one was finished,
Passed out with a grin.
The sheep in the manger,
Had nothing to fear.
The pack's all gone home now,
The hash has no beer.
The angels in heaven,
Were shocked when he showed.
The Little Late Bastard,
His cheeks how they glowed.
He wretched on St. Peter,
And pissed on the gate.
"To hell with the bastard,
He's too bloody late!"
72
O Cum, Interhashers
(To: O Come, All Ye Faithful)
O cum, interhashers,
Joyful and triumphant,
O cum ye, O cu-um ye,
Behind the stage,
Cum in the bushes,
Climax in the portolets.
Oh cum and masturbation,
Oh cum and copulation,
Oh cum and fornication at Interhash.
Sing packs of hashers,
Nasty, dirty lyrics,
O sing all ye dirty bastards,
At the hash.
Sing to the virgins,
Sing to all the sin-in-ners.
Oh sing of masturbation,
Oh sing of copulation,
Oh sing of fornication at Interhash.
Beer to the hashers,
Beer this happy season,
Drink, beer until the bastards,
Spew it out.
Drink to the virgins,
Drink to all the sin-in-ners.
Oh beer and masturbation,
Oh beer and copulation,
Oh beer and fornication at Interhash.
73
Oh Little Mug of Lager Beer
(To: Oh, Little Town of Bethleham)
Oh little mug of lager beer,
How dear you are to me.
You help to bring me Christmas cheer,
From toast until I pee.
Your head of foam doth shi-neth,
Beneath the bar room light.
Through all the years and all the beers,
It's lager beer tonight.
74
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
(To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
So I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized,
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices,
Turned and found the place was occupied,
By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse,
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace,
And hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen',
And I would like to find,
The crummy little creep,
Who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes,
And one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
75
Rudolph the Rednosed Hasher
(To: Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the rednosed hasher,
Had a very shiny nose.
And if he ever ate you,
You would even say it grows.
All of the other hashers,
Used to laugh and call him short.
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any or-gy sport.
Then one lonely Hashmas eve,
Rudolph got a date.
Rudolph with his nose so long,
Kept her happy all night long.
Then how the Harriettes loved him,
As they shouted out, "Do Me!" (Do Me!)
Rudolph the rednosed hasher,
You'll go down in his-tor-y!
76
The S&M&M&M Man Is Cumming To
Town
(To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
He's biting her tits.
He's fucking her twice.
He's cutting her cunt with a great big bowie
knife.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He knows who you are fucking.
He knows if your orgasms are fake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So you better be bad for your own sake!
He's tying her up,
On the tower of power.
And then he's going to give her a golden shower.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He's fucking her ass,
He's pissing in her eye.
He's doing things to her that would make
Mengle cry.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He knows when you've been naughty.
He knows when you've been in pain.
He even knows if your're straight or gay.
You better be straight for your own sake!
You better watch out.
He's makin' her cry!
He shoving a pole up her ass the width of a
pizza pie.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town!
77
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
(To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.
78
Silent Fart
(To: Silent
Night)
Silent fart,
Silent fart,
Passes by, through the dark,
Round the circle, it passes by.
Got a whiff of it, thought I would die.
Get the fuck out of here,
Get the fuck out of here.
79
Silent Night
Silent night, foggy night,
Somebody pfffffft!, smells like shite,
Who's the bastard that dropped his guts,
I hope it blew a hole in his nuts,
That will make him sing high-er,
And bring a tear to his eye.
80
Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator
(To: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You were probably near a bar.
All of the other Senators,
Wondered how he got his dames,
They thought he drank too many,
Too play in any bedroom games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say,
Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled.
That's how the police found them,
Wrapped around a maple tree,
Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
He's a drunken S.O.B.
He's a drunken S.O.B.
81
Twas The Night Before Christmas
(To: Chopsticks)
Sung to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recited.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And God it was neat.
The kids were both gone,
And my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted,
And the phone off the hook,
It was time for some pussy,
Fuck reading that book.
(tempo changes for the last four of each
verse as with chopsticks)
Mom-ma, in her ted-dy,
And I, in the nude,
I'd just reached the bedroom,
And grabbed a jar of lube.
When out on the lawn,
There arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner,
And momma went dry.
Up to the window,
I sprang like an elf.
And tore back the shade,
While she played with herself.
The moon, on the crest,
Of the snow-man we'd built,
Shoved a broom, up his ass,
Clean up, to the hilt.
When what to my wondering,
Eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh,
And eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver,
Half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear,
And a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm, speaking,
He was high, as a kite,
And he yelled out to his team,
But it didn't sou-und right.
(Continued...)
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
Hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig,
Or I'll cut off your nuts."
"Look out for the lamp post,
And don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh,
'Cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared, the old lamp post,
The tree, got, a rub,
Then Santa leaned right out,
And puked-up on my shrub.
And then from the roof,
We heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer,
Now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket,
To cover my ass,
When down through the chimney,
Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with,
Dip spit, ga-lore,
He looked just like a bum,
And smelled just like a whore.
"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned,",
He said with a smile,
"And Rudolf was farting,
For the last half a mile."
He walked to the kitchen,
For himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker,
And pissed in the sink.
I start-ed to laugh,
As my wife, turned around.
For Santa was hung,
Half-way to the ground.
Back in the den,
Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone,
And some new things were packed.
The first thing he found,
Was a pair of false tits,
The next was a manual,
On how to pop zits.
A dime - bag of reefer,
Was Santa's. next find,
And six pair, of pan-ties,
The ed-i-ble kind.
A boarding school pisser,
A penis extension,
And many other things,
That I can't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string,
And all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped,
With aluminium foil.
"This stuff's not for kids,
Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave it all here,
And then I'll just split."
He filled both our stockings,
Looked at my wife's cleave.
And tucked my son's crack pipe,
Up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh,
But his feet were like lead,
Made it out of the chimney,
And on my roof smacked his head.
(restart same tempo)
In time he was seated,
Took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph,
This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone,
When we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about college,
Is that beer won't run out!"
82
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
See "Twelve Days of Christmas" for conduct
of song.
For the first bug of Christmas,
My manager said to me,
See if they can do it again.
Tell them it's a feature.
Say it's not supported.
Change the documentation.
Blame it on the hardware.
Find a way around it.
Say they need an upgrade.
Reinstall the software.
Ask for a dump.
Run with the debugger.
Ask them how they did it.
Try to reproduce it.
83
The Twelve Days After Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of
Christmas for the song.
The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down,
And burnt it, just for spite,
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks,
Of both the turtle doves.
The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens,
To make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene,
The five golden rings were completely fake,
They turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn't lay,
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to,
The A.S.P.C.A.
The seventh day, what a mess I found,
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned,
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas,
Before they could suspect,
I bundled up the,
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
(well, actually I kept one of the ladies),
And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love,
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for
the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Soprani) Birds!!!
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
84
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A nice lager in a brown mug.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Two dirty shoes,
And a nice lager in a brown mug.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three french kisses,
Two dirty shoes,
And a nice lager in a brown mug.
etc...
Four call-ing "On!"
Five golden ales.
Six hares a laying.
Seven bastards swimming.
Eight poofters walking.
Nine bitches dancing.
Ten hashers leaping.
Eleven buglars blowing.
Twelve down downs drinking.
(Second Alternate Verses)
A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck.
(On-on-on).
Two shit house doors,
Three French whores,
Four calling girls,
Five blow jobs,
Six 69'ers,
Seven sucking sisters,
Eight aching assholes,
Nine gnawed off nipples,
Ten torn off titties,
Eleven leaping lesbians,
Twelve twats a'twitching. (Third Alternate Verses)
A hand job in an MG.
(squirt, squirt, squirt).
Two rectal sores.
Three droopy drawers.
Four fucking whores.
Five pubic hairs.
Six seeping chancres.
Seven sucking sisters.
Eight edible panties.
Nine nibbled nipples.
Ten tons of titty.
Eleven lickable labia.
Twelve twats 'a twitchin'.
Make up your own verses!
85
The Twelve Days of Interhash
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate verses. See the "Twelve Days
of Christmas" for the conduct of the song.
On the first day of Interhash,
My true love gave to me,
A lube job in her fur tree.
Two shit house doors,
Three French whores,
Four calling girls,
Five pubic hairs!
Six sixty-niners,
Seven sucking sisters,
Eight aching assholes,
Nine gnawed off nipples,
Ten torn testicles,
Eleven leaping lesbians,
Twelve twats a'twitching, 86
The Twelve Days of Interhashing
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate verses. See "Twelve Days of
Christmas" for the conduct of the song.
On the first day I interhashed,
This is what I found,
A trail with a lot of shiggy.
Two D. O. T.'s,
Three hares a-laying,
Four bimbos walking,
Five frosty beers!
Six puffs of flour,
Seven long B. T.'s,
Eight whistles blowing,
Nine S. C. B.'s swimming,
Ten tits a-swinging,
Eleven hashers drinking,
Twelve heinous sins.
87
The Twelve Days of Ramadan
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
This can be done in chorus, or it can also be
done by individuals, or in large gatherings,
groups being assigned one of the verses and
singing it when it is their turn. . Add the
additional award of a beer if they miss their
turn. Obviously, the one with the first verse
will have to sing twelve times, so pick strong
drinkers for the early verses.
On the first day of Ramadan King Khalid
gave to me,
A book by Salman Rushdie,
(Gesture throwing to ground and stamping
on it.)
On the second day of Ramadon King Khalid
gave to me,
Two Yemenese (Gesture big spit.)
A book by Salman Rushdie (with gesture).
(Continue adding verses)
Three Ayatollahs.
(Sing "Ayatollah, Ayatollah," to tune of
Hallelujah Chorus, while bowing in prayer.)
Four Iraqi mine sweepers.
(Put hands over ears and stamp feet.)
Five Iranian terrorists.
(Jump forward and spray crowd with
machine gun fire.)
Six cruise missiles.
(Sing "We're coming to blow you away, Ha-
ha, hee-hee, ho-ho")
Seven U.S. soldiers.
(Shout "One, two, three, four, I love the
Marine Corps," while marching in place.)
Eight blindfolded hostages.
(Sing "Show me the way to go home" while
stumbling about with arms outstretched.)
Nine raving mullahs.
(Shout "Israel must go, Israel must go" while
shaking fists in air.)
Ten Scud missiles.
(Fingers in ears and say, "Nanny-Nanny
boo-boo, you missed me!" )
Eleven open sewers.
(Sing "What a pong, what a pong, etc." to
tune of William Tell Overture.)
Twelve circumcisions.
(Sing "Oooh that hurts, oooh that hirts" to
tune of The Music Man while running
around holding groins.)
88
The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of
Christmas for the song.
1 Some parts to a Mustang GT.
2 Huntin' dogs.
3 Shotgun shells.
4 Mud grip tires.
5 Flannel shirts.
6 Cans of Spam.
7 Packs of Redman.
8 Table Dancers.
9 Years Probation.
Tin of Copenhagen.
11 Rasslin' Tickets.
12-Pack of Bud.
89
Waklin' 'Round in Womens's Underwear
(To: Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her persmission,
I'm wearin her clothes - silk panty hose,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
In the store there's a teddy,
With little sraps like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight like handcuffs at night,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say are you ready, we'll say whoa man,
Let's wait until the wife's out of town.
Later on if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... persmission,
Wearin her clothes - silk panty hose,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
90
We Wish You A Merry Hash
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
We wish you a Merry Hash
We wish you a Merry Hash
We wish you a Merry Hash
And a good shagging too!
91
We Wish You a Merry Hashmas
(To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
And a clappy New Year.
Bad tidings we bring,
About the drip and the sting,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea.
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea. 92
We're Harriets Three
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: We Three Kings)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
We're Harriets three, from Aberdeen Hash
We'll take no shit from all of you trash
Through field and fountain
Moor and mountain
Following yonder trail
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight ?
Born a Harriet of AH3
We just want to sit on your knee
King forever
Ceasing,never
Over us all to reign
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight ?
Glorious now behold it arise
That will sure bring tears to your eyes
What a plonker
Up your stonker
We'll have a helluva time tonight !
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight?
93
While the Kiwis Shagged
(To: While Shepards Watched)
While the Kiwis shagged their flocks by night,
All laying on the ground,
Up jumped the Aussie doctor and said,
"Stop that and I'll buy a round,"
"Stop that and I'll buy a round."
"Fear not," said they, for fear of AIDS
Had seized the doctor's mind,
"Before we Kiwis take a new bride,
We clean out her behind,
We clean out her behind."
So you girls waiting for the question popped,
You won't get very far,
If you want to take a Kiwi mate,
You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa."
You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa."
94
White Hashmas
(To: White Christmas)
I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
As I masturbate in bed,
Dreaming of juicy Lucy and Rock,
Hard's floozes,
And a katoey giving me head,
I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
With every stroke of my old man,
Oh, I think I'm coming,
I know I'm coming,
Oh, won't Hashmas be so grand. Father's Day
95
Father
(To: Father)
words in parentheses are echoed by pack
Father
F is for the farts that used to linger
A is for his arse all racked with piles
(all racked with piles)
T is for the turds he pried out by finger
(finger)
H is for his hole all wreathed with smiles
(all wreathed in smiles)
E is for the eggs he used to dine on
(dine on)
R is rotten and rotten they'd always be
(they'd always be)
Put them all together and they spell FATHER.
The one who fouls the air for me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who fouls the air for me,
(the air for me)
96
They're Moving Father's Grave to Build A
Sewer
Spoken:
To shit-house artists when they die,
We'll build it wide and build it high,
In tribute to their brain and wit,
A monument of solid shit.
Sung:
They're moving father's grave to build a sewer,
They're moving it regardless of expense,
They're moving his remains to lay down
shithouse drains,
To satisfy some nearby residents.
Now, what's the use of having a religion,
For when you die your troubles never cease.
When some high-society twit needs a
pipeline for his shit,
They won't let poor old father rest in peace.
My father in his life was never a quitter,
I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now.
He'll put on a white sheet and haunt the
shithouse seat,
And he'll only let them shit when he'll allow.
Oh, won't there be some pains of constipation!
And won't those shithouse bastards rant and
rave!
But they'll get what they deserve,
For they had the bloody nerve,
To bugger up a British workman's grave.
97
Tool of My Father
(To: Faith of Our Fathers)
Tool of my Fa-ther, liv-ing still,
Tiny and use-less, be-quethed to me.
Oh how my heart breaks each time that I peal,
Back shrivelled fore-skin, each time I pee.
Tool of my Fa-ther, use-less dick,
No woman wants this di-min-u-tive prick.
Halloween
98
Monster Hash
(To: Monster Mash)
I was running with the HASH on Halloween
night,
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Poofters and Back Sliders began to arrive,
And suddenly, to my surprise.
Chorus
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They did the Monster hash.
Pack: The Monster hash.
Songmaster: It was a graveyard hash.
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They caught on in a flash.
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They did the Monster hash.
From knee deep shiggy in the swamp that's east,
To wading through the creek where the
leaches feast,
The poofters all came when they heard the news,
They could get some mud on their running shoes,
(to chorus)
The trail was dark the hares were not to be found,
Igor unchained was running with the hounds,
The local cops were about to arrive,
With orders to take Hashers DEAD or ALIVE.
(to chorus)
The Hashers were having fun
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
The party had just begun
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
The guests included WolfMan
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
Dracula and his son
(Drum fill)
Out from his pickup the Tyrant's voice did
ring. (shoop-wha-ooo)
It seems he was worried 'bout just one thing.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Opened the door and shook his fist, and said.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
"Whatever hoppened to those running club wimps?"
(to chorus)
Now everything's cool, we found all of the pack,
And the Monster hash, it will be coming back,
For you, the sober, this hash was meant, too,
When you get to the box, tell them Boris sent
you.
Pack: And you can hash,
Songmaster: And you can Monster hash,
Pack: The monster hash,
Songmaster: And do the graveyard hash,
Pack: And you can hash,
Songmaster: You'll catch on in a flash,
Pack: Then you can hash,
Songmaster: Then you can Monster hash.
(repeat and fade chorus following dialog
talkover)
Igor: MMMM...hash goooood! hash goood!
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Boris: Down Igor, you impetuous young boy.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Igor: hash goooood. (shoop-wha-ooo, shoop-
wha-ooo)
Independence Day
(U.S.)
99
Another Hasher Anthem
(To: Yankee Doodle Dandy)
I'm a dirty smelly hasher.
Chasing hares is what I do.
I check down trails in the afternoon,
Drink by the light of the moon.
I love mud and blood and brambles,
Toxic waste and smelly goo.
(tempo change)
Dirty shoes and bloody knees,
And a real bad case of scabbies,
I am a hasher how 'bout you.
I'm a drunken beer soaked hasher.
Draining kegs is what I do.
For breakfast I must have some oatmeal stout,
For lunch it's a Guiness or two.
For dinner, I must do some thinking,
Sam's or Pete's or maybe microbrew.
(tempo change)
But when I'm hashing give me Shafer's,
Give me Busch or Miller,
'Cause I am a drunken hasher.
Are you a drunken hasher?
I am a drunken hasher too.
I'm a horny sex staved hasher.
Chasing tail is what I do.
I came to _______ just to get a lay,
Ended up screwing ___________,
I love kinky sex and spankings,
Naval shots and butt chugs too.
(tempo change)
Give me dildos, give me butt plugs,
Give me whips and bondage,
'Cause I am a horny hasher.
Are you a horny hasher?
I am a horny hasher too.
100
Yank My Doodle
(To: Yankee
Doodle Dandy)
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Make that wiener shoot some fireworks,
Just like the Fourth of July.
I've got a Yankee doodle boner,
I've had it since you rubbed my thigh,
So yank my doodle if you please.
That bulge is not a pony,
Just stick your fingers up my ass,
And stroke my macaroni.
Yank my doodle it's so big,
Clearly it's a dandy,
Stick that sucker in your mouth,
You'll swear it tastes like candy.
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Lick that lizard 'till it's standing tall,
Right through my pu-u-bic hair.
If you like Yankee doodle peckers,
I've got one that I can spare.
So yank my doodle 'till it cums,
Just point it toward your titties,
They say that stuff is beauty cream,
Let's make your titties pretty.
Yank my doodle it's so big,
Baby it's a dandy,
Jerk that Turk and make it squirt,
And keep a Kleenex handy.
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'til I die.
101
Yankee Doodle Dandy
(To: Yankee Doodle Dandy)
Yankee doodle he's a dandy,
He's a hasher till he dies,
A real live asshole from the USA,
Pissed on my most other girls.
Yank his doodle, it's a dandy,
Yank his doodle, zip his fly,
Yankee doodle ran the trail,
Wanking off his doodle,
You're that yanking doodle guy.
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
102
Yankee Hasher
(To: Yankee Doodle)
Yankee Hasher went to hash,
The SCB'ing wanker,
And there he saw a naked lass,
Instead of fuck he spanked her.
Chorus
Yankee Hasher keep it up,
Yankee Hasher Wank-er.
Yankee Hasher keep it up,
Then tip your hat and thank her.
Yankee Hasher saw a tyke,
A playing with his toy.
He took away his little bike,
Then buggered up the boy.
Yankee Hasher went to hash,
For he was fucking horney.
He stuck his dick up in a bush,
But found out it was thorn-y.
He found the On-In and the beer,
But quick the pack was parting.
The circle fire was much to near,
The Yankee Hasher's farting.
Yankee Hasher's lonely now,
He wanders down through the shiggy.
He searches for a sheep or cow,
He'll even fuck Miss Piggy.
Martin Luther King
Day
103
We Shall Over Cum
(To: We Shall Overcome)
(The Presidential salute to MLK day.)
We shall over cum,
We shall over cum,
We shall over cum your dress,
While on bend-ed knee,
You're pleasing me,
We shall over cum your dress.
Mother's Day
104
Mother
(To: Mother)
(Words in parentheses are echoed by pack)
Mother
M is for the many things she gave me
O is only that she's growing old
(She's growing old)
T is for the tears she shed to save me
(save me)
H is for her heart as pure as gold
(as pure of gold)
E is for her eyes with lovelight shining
(Shining)
R is right and she'll always be
(she'll always be)
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER.
The one that means the world to me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who means the world to me,
(the world to me)
Hasher interrupts:
"Wait a minute, you've got that all wrong!"
Mother
M is for the many times you made me.
O is for the other times you tried.
(you really tried)
T is for those tortuous long lost weekends.
(damn weekends)
H is for the hell that's in your eye's.
(those bloodshot eyes)
E is for the everlasting passion.
(you horny bitch)
R is for the ruin you made of me.
(a fairy)
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER,
And that is what I think I'm going to be.
I don't mean maybe,
And that is what I think I'm going to be.
(I'm going to be.)
New Year's Day
105
Auld Lang Syne
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
Should auld beer drinkers
be forgot,
And never brot' to mind?
Should auld acquaintance
be forgot,
And days of Auld Lang Syne.
Chorus
For Auld hasher friends, we cheer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
Drink down your beers for all the years,
A down down for all time.
We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
Optional Finale
Drink! Down down down down, down down
down.
Drink! Down down down down down.
Drink! Down down down down, down down
down.
Drink! Down down down down down.
(continue finale until last mug is empty) St. Paddy's Day
106
When Irish Guys Start Smiling
(To: When Irish Eyes are Smiling)
When Irish guys start smiling,
You could be in trouble big.
Irish eyes don't hide a child inside,
They hide an inner pig.
If he's laughing and he's leering,
Get your Rosary out and pray,
'Cause when Irish guys are horny,
Sure they'll peel your pants away.
Thanksgiving
107
Next Thanksgiving
(To: Fraire Jacques)
Next Thanksgiving, next Thanksgiving,
Don't eat bread, don't eat bread,
Shove it up the turkey, shove it up the turkey,
Eat the bird, eat the bird.
Next Christmas, next Christmas,
Don't trim a tree, don't trim a tree,
Shove it up the chimney, shove it up the chimney,
Goose Saint Nick, goose Saint Nick.
Next Easter, next Easter,
Don't color eggs, don't color eggs,
Shove them up the rabbit, shove them up the
rabbit,
Eat the hare, eat the hare. Valentine's Day
108
Huronia Valentine Hash Song
This song was presented at a St. Valentine's
Day hash put on by Huronia HHH.
Song:
" If I were the marrying kind
And thank the lord I'm not, sir.
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a Hash House Harrier. "
(perhaps not, after reading on...)
The hare gave caring advice
In the pre-run announcements he said:
"Of the blue stuff, use not for food, snuff or
pot
Or thou may endeth up dead."
The hare had spread diamonds galore
And they glittered all over the snow.
The trumpets did play many times in the day
As the Harriers sought whence to go.
Fifth Estate's conservative wardrobe
Again set her off from the bunch.
She didst state with dread: "I shall not wear
red
At Valentine's, Christmas, or lunch!"
With Messiah's amazing new lightness
He didst walk on water with zing.
For his tracks saweth we crisscross the ice merrily.
Please show us how in the spring.
Old Grey Mare did shareth his nuts
And Whinger didst counter with this:
"Tis food for a mouse, we need a Clubhouse
To attain real Harrier bliss!"
To undo his late arrival,
To prove his skill as a knight,
Zeke choseth a branch to use as a lance
Against deadly chickadees in flight.
\
Sinker keepeth an eye out for Storm.
Whinger changeth his name to Wallflower.
Next time you've the chance, pray ask him to
dance
To keepeth his spirit un-sour.
A swimsuit edition from the future
Caused many male hearts to beat hard.
Be it not quaint? They now want to paint
And not on canvas by the yard.
Herbicide's new down-down device
Didst cause dreadful waste of good beer
For Doo Run, Whinger, Sinker, Whitey,
Rodman and Commander.
'Twas male mathematics, we fear.
Commander's double-breasted red dress
Caused Harriers to break out in song.
Will newcomers Kathleen, Frank and Cathy
McD
Ever again cometh along?
Doo Run, our illustrious Poobah,
Displayeth his prize by the fire -
The Harrier flag so bright of red, green and
white,
Sewn up for us by Liar, Liar.
Cockeye and Sue-City-Sue
(A legal firm?) Really did cater.
At the Harrier feast we ate chocolate and beast
And even had chips of the 'tater.
Songs Your Mother
Never Taught You
109
A Few of My Favorite Hash Things
(To: My Favorite Things)
Short cuts that leave all the front bastards
trailing,
Misleading directions leaving short cutters wailing,
Slippery slopes where hounds flounder in shit,
These are some things that appeal to my wit.
Chorus
And my cock is sore,
I cheer myself up with my favorite things,
And revive the old cock once more.
Quims soft and puckered and minge short
and curly,
Tight little cunts fringed with spunk white
and pearly,
Red painted nipples, an ice cube blow job,
These are the things that will make my cock
throb.
Limbs brown and supple, with buttocks gyrating,
Positions amazing, damp cunt lips pulsating,
Cheerful young bodies all eager to screw,
Of my favorite things these are only a few.
The rugby mob buggers all bloated with beer,
The sight of them's foul, it's no wonder,
they're queer,
The dear old mismanagement, oh, what a farce,
These are some of the things you can stick up
your arse.
A run that was set by those mad hares the Dutch,
A ride in old trucks that you all loved so
much,
Some piss that was different with a beer glass
thrown in,
Surely a fucking good hash, no hash sin.
110 A Few of My Favorite Things
(To: My Favorite Things)
(Harriers)
Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,
Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole
thing,
It works just fine and it's also quite safe,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dawn breaks,
When I wake up,
And it's feeling hard,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Penthouse and Playboy and something called
Forum,
They're what I use to help start something going,
Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm lonely,
Really lonely,
By myself again,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
(Harriettes)
Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,
That's what I use to set fires in my belly,
In and out up and down making me wet,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Men are useless,
I don't need them,
I'm the best I've had,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,
Make me excited I'm starting to cook,
I stir me up and the honey will come,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm thinking,
Of a hard cock,
But I don't see one,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
111
A Virgin
(To: Swanee River)
High a-a-bove the virgin's gar-ter
High above her knee,
Lies the se-e-cret of her honor,
Her vir-r-gin-i-ty.
Roll, her o-ver, ohhh so slow-ly,
Soft-ly in the grass.
That i-is what we live and die for,
A piece of vir-gin ass.
112
A, You've Got Asshole Stains
(To: You're Adorable)
"A," you've got asshole stains,
"B," you've got balls for brains,
"C," you've hardly got a cock at all,
"D," like a dorker's tool,
"E," your ass exudes stool,
"F," your farts smell like fucking shit,
"G," you've got gonorrhea,
"H," hemorrhoids to your knees,
"I," eyes that run and bleed and itch,
"J," you can jack your jizz,
"K," you can kiss my phizz,
"L," fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch,
"M-N-O-P," menstrual blood on your prick,
"Q-R-S-T," alphabetically speaking,
You're S-H-I-T,
"U," make my pussy itch,
"V"-D down to your feet,
"W-X-Y-Z,"
I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Hash what you mean to me.
113
Aahlawetta
(To: Alouette)
The songmaster points to various parts of a
"volunteer" harriettes anatomy during song.
Chorus
Aahlawetta, gentil Aahlawetta,
Aahlawetta, je te plumerai.
1
Songmaster: How I love her curly hair.
Pack: How I (you) love her curly hair.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Oh-oh-oh-ohhh. (to Chorus)
2
Songmaster: How I love her bushy brows.
Pack: How I (you) love her bushy brows.
Songmaster: Bushy brows.
Pack: Bushy brows.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Ohohohohhh.
3
Songmaster: How I love her criss-cross eyes...etc.
And so it goes adding one more part with
each verse to the anatomy
list to test the sobriety and memory of the
songmaster. Tradition would
have the songmaster do a down down for
missing a part during the listing
or otherwise screwing up the song.
(Continued...)
Harriette List from Top (alternate lines in
parentheses):
1 Curly hair (rat's nest hair)
2 Bushy brows (furrowed brow)
3 Criss-cross eyes (bloodshot eyes)
4 Crooked nose (broken nose)
5 Lubra lips (sucking lips)
6 Two buck teeth (cum-stained teeth)
7 Double chin (drooling chin)
8 Saggy tits (swinging tits)
9 Big pot belly (pregnant belly/big beer
belly)
10 Moofy crotch (furry thing)
11 Knobbly knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)
Harrier List from Top (alternate lines in
parentheses):
1 Thinning hair (balding head)
2 Neaderthal brow (wrinkled brow)
3 Blood-shot eyes (one glass eye)
4 Broken nose (hairy nose)
5 Smelly breath (pukey breath)
6 Rotten teeth (toothy gap)
6 Double chin (Dumbo ears)
7 Hairy chest (skinny chest)
8 Big beer belly (Big pot belly)
9 Tiny dick (micro-penis)
10 Drooping sac (tiny balls)
11 Creaky knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)
114
Alcoholic's Anthem
(To: Men of Harlech)
What's the use of drinking tea,
Indulging in sobriety,
And teetotal perversity?
It's healthier to booze.
What's the use of milk and water?
These are drinks that never oughter,
Be allowed in any quarter.
Come on, lose your blues,
Mix yourself a shandy,
Drown yourself in brandy,
Sherry sweet,
Or whisky neat,
Or any kind of liquor that is handy.
There's no blinking sense in drinking,
Anything that doesn't make you stinking,
There's no happiness like sinking,
Blotto to the floor.
Put an end to all frustration,
Drinking may be your salvation,
End it all in dissipation,
Rotten to the core.
Aberrations metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyperbolic,
There are for the alcoholic,
Lying on the floor.
Vodka for the arty,
Gin to make you hearty,
Lemonade was only made,
For drinking if your mother's at the party,
Steer clear of home-made beer,
And anything that isn't labeled clear,
There is nothing else to fear,
Bottom's up, my boys.
115
All My Jism
(To: All My Lovin')
Harriers:
Close your eyes, spread your legs,
Let me fertilize your eggs,
Remember, I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll beat off every day,
And send all my jism to you.
Harriettes:
He'll pretend to be kissing,
The lips used for pissing,
While fondling his balls so blue.
And then while I'm not home,
He'll be stroking his bone,
And sending his jism to me.
Harriers:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, all my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
Harriettes:
I will sing this bright chorus,
While I rub my clitoris,
With my dildo so tried and true.
And then while you're away,
I will vibrate away,
And send all my jism to you.
Harriers:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, all my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
116
All Things Dull and Ugly
(To: All Things Bright and Beautiful)
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul, and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
117
Almost Persuaded
(To: Almost Persuaded)
Last night all alone in a bar room,
Met a girl with a tit in one hand.
She had really tight shorts, hal-ter top,
And an ass that would tempt any man.
The she came and sat down on my face,
And as she placed her hand on my dick,
I found myself wanting to fuck her,
For temptation was making me sick.
I was al-most persuaded,
To leave the hash in the cold air.
Al-most persuaded,
To leave the pack with no hare.
Then we danced and she whispered, "I need
you."
"Take me now, right here," she did wail.
But I told her that though I did want to.
I'd promised that I'd lay the trail.
I was al-most persuaded,
'Til a hasher hollered, "Beer!" at the door.
Al-most persuaded,
But my thirst couldn't stand it no more.
118
Aloha HHH Anthem
(To: Beethoven's 9th Symphony)
To the Choral Stanza, Beethoven's 9th.
Come Aloha Hash House Harriers,
Get your asses in high gear,
Whiners, walkers, F-R-B-ers,
Gather 'round these mugs of beer.
Let the hashing spirit enter,
Ev'ry wanker here around,
Down-downs right and left and center
As we hashers chug 'em down.
119
Alphabet Song
"A" is for asshole, all covered in shit
Chorus
"Heigh-ho," says Rowley.
"B" is for the bugger who revels in it,
Chorus
Singing rolly, poley, up'em and stuff'em,
"Heigh-ho," says Anthony Rowley.
"C" is for cunt all dripping with piss,
(to Chorus 1)
"D" is for the drunkard who gave it a kiss,
(to Chorus 2)
"E" is for the eunuch with only one ball, etc.
"F" is for the fucker with no balls at all, etc.
"G" is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout, etc.
"H" is the harlot who spreads it about, etc.
"I" is for insertion, injection and itch, etc.
"J" is the jerk of a dog on a bitch, etc.
"K" is for knight who thought fucking a bore,
etc.
"L" is the lesbian who came back for more,
etc.
"M" is for maidenhead all tattered and torn,
etc.
"N" is the noble who died on his horn, etc.
"O" is for orifice all cunningly concealed, etc.
"P" is the penis all pranged up and peeled, etc.
"Q" is the Quaker who shat in his hat. etc.
"R" is the Rajah who rogered the cat, etc.
"S" is the shit-pot all filled to the brim, etc.
"T" is the turds which are floating within, etc.
"U" is the usher who taught us at school, etc.
"V" is the virgin who played with his tool, etc.
"W" is the whore who thought fucking a
farce, etc.
And "X", "Y", and "Z" you can shove up
your arse, etc.
120
Amazing Hash
(To: Amazing Grace)
Amazing Hash,
How sweet the trail,
That saved a DFL like me.
I once was lost,
But now I'm found,
The On-On I now see!
Just two more blocks,
And I'll be in,
The beer is waiting for me.
And when I'm there,
I'll drink my share,
'Til they get rid of me!
121
Are You Lonesome
Tonight?
(To: Are You Lonesome
Tonight)
Are you lonesome tonight,
Is the hash out of sight,
Are you sorry you strayed from the trail?
Does your throat get real dry,
Underneath the hot sky,
When you think of the beer to you wail?
Do the sores on your feet seem to blister and
pus?
Do you gaze down the road and you wish for
a bus?
Are your legs filled with pain,
Will you shortcut again,
Tell me fool are you lonesome tonight?
122
Arkansas Hillbillies
By Centurian)
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named
Bill,
A slippery politician, from yonder Ozark hills.
Then one day he ran for President,
When out of a crowd came some questions
from the Press.
Marijauna, that is. Land deals, Draft dodgin'.
Well, then next thing ya' know Slick Willie's
in D.C.,
Runnin' the show, and a-bombin' enemies.
Then in through the door comes an aide
named Monica,
And says, our good Prez, "Girl, I got a job
for yah."
Blow job, that is. Fellatio. Oral Sex.
Gifts, and job offers from the Government,
Was this girl's reward for a fine example set.
She's young, and eager, and she learnt real fast,
It's not what you know, but how you shake
yer ass.
Tits help, too. Personality. Charm.
Then comes another lawyer named Ken Starr,
Askin' ol' Monica 'bout positions, and how far?
Hillary says it's a plot by the Right Wing Press,
Then out of the closet comes that damn blue
dress.
Stained, it is. DNA. Evidence.
Well, the next thing yah know Billie's balls
are in the vice.
How's such a mess happen to a man so nice?
Newt now says that it's just a minor sin.
Happen's all the time to those Dem's in Washingtin.
Sex Scandals. Lots of dirt. Democrats. 123
Arse Holes For Sale
Arseholes are cheap tonight,
Cheaper than other nights,
Standing or bending down,
Big ones for half a crown.
Small ones are three and six,
Big ones for bigger pricks,
Arseholes are cheap tonight,
Cheaper than other nights.
124
As I was walking
(To: Old One Hundredth)
As I was walking through the wood,
I shat myself, I knew I would.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so I shat myself again.
As I was walking down the street,
A whore grabbed me by the meat.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so she grabbed my meat again.
As I was walking through Saint Pauls,
The vicar grabbed me by the balls.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he grabbed my balls again.
As I was walking through St. Giles,
Some bastard grabbed me by my piles.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he grabbed my piles again.
As I lay sleeping in the grass,
Some bastard rammed it up my ass.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he rammed it up again.
125
Austin Hash Song
(To: Redneck Mother)
(Start with lots of "Ba doom, ba doom, ba
doom, boom, boom boom")
I brought a newboot out to meet the gang;
He said he needed a crowd for which to hang.
He ran like a rabbit out on the false trails,
By the time we got to the beer he was
dragging his tail.
Chorus
Well,
H is for the hair that just laid the trail
A is for the soil we hash on (yell) AUSTIN!
S that's for shiner
H is for us hounds
E is for everyone wearing
R ubbers
Well it's cross the creek and up the other side,
Thru some Poison Oak, Bull Nettle by my side.
Well it's off the road and off into some deep
dark woods,
Running up and down hills just to get them
goods.
Well you just might see a Llama along the way,
Or ford a dangerous river who's to say.
But for all us who knows, to bring some dry
clothes,
Take a short cut thru the creek to where the
beer flows.
126 The Bagpipe Song
(To: Scotland the Brave)
Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(pack does two lines sounding like a
bagpipe)
Then there was the jockey with his
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(do two lines sounding like a bagpipe)
Then there was the Yankee who was
wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Harlot making money in
the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Wenchy doing down-
down on a benchy,
Making money for the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Now the moral of this ditty is that when in
______ City,
And you're with your favorite girlie,
Chasing hairs all short and curly,
Just remember to take her hashing and to
give her a good bashing,
And keep her away from the Wenchy doing
down-down on a benchy,
Making money for the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
127
The Balad of the Monika Lewinski
By Chemically Erect)
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
Monica Lewinki is feeling sick of late
Because, as most of you here know, of
something that she ate.
The source of her digestive woes is what I'll
now relate...
The details of her famous Presidential
luncheon date.
Monica, she had a thing for chowing down
on peters,
Especially ones that were attached to famous
world leaders.
She really preferred hashers to shower her
with goo,
But if a hasher ain't around, a President will
do.
Inside the Oval Office, Bill's pup tent made
her moan.
She couldn't wait to get a hold of Mr.
Clinton's bone.
She dropped to her knees on the Presidential
Seal
And proceeded to unwrap her McClinton
Happy Meal.
(the Executive Branch ... White House tube
steak ... rising to the challenge
of the Office)
She gobbled and she slurped and she
slobbered like a dog.
She nearly stripped the bark off Slick Willie's
Lincoln Log.
Bill couldn't hold back any more. He
launched his mighty SCUD.
He saw the intern's bulging cheeks. He hadn't
fired a dud.
Even though she tried, she couldn't swallow
all of it,
And what she couldn't flew her way and
scored a direct hit.
It covered her from head to toe. Her hair was
just a mess,
Not to mention what it did to her favorite
party dress.
Just like Billy's wiener, the story also leaked,
And it spread all around the world in just a
few short weeks.
The couple's reputations have now been
soundly trashed.
They wouldn't be in this fix now if they'd just
gone and hashed.
Problems aren't from what you do; it's the
company you keep.
Hashers live by their own rules, unlike the
other sheep.
"is it sex, or is it not?" There's no sense
splitting hairs.
'Cause here you do just what you want and
no one really cares. 128
Balham Vicar
There once was a Balham vicar,
Who said to his curate,
I'll bet I've fucked more women than you,
And the curate said, you're on.
And the curate said, you're on.
We'll stand outside the church this day,
And this will be our sign:
You ding-a-ding for the women you've fucked,
And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine.
And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine.
Well there were more ding-a-dings and dong-
a-dongs,
Till a pretty young bird came by,
And curate went ding-ding.
Oh, said the vicar, don't ding-a-ding there,
That's my wife I do declare,
Hell said the curate, I don't care.
Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, dong.
129
Balibago Mount Arayat High
(To: Rocky Mountain High)
Used as the Angeles HHH Anthem in the
Philippines.
She was born in a grass hut,
In a field in Cebu.
Destined to a life of poverty.
But at the age of thirteen,
She had a change of heart,
And moved to downtown Angeles.
Chorus
Where the Balibago Mount Arayat High,
I've seen it raining pesos in the sky.
Sit around Fields Avenue and screw the TDY.
Mt Arayat High, Balibago,
Mt Arayat High, Balibago.
She hopped in a jeepney,
With a stump-broke carabao,
To a place she'd heard about before,
She's learned to pick up pesos,
From a bottle of San Miguel,
Working overtime giving blowjobs in Astro
Park.
She heard the pay was better,
Down in Subic Bay.
Especially when the fleet was in.
So, she hopped a victory liner,
All the way to Olongapo
Where she learned to do the banana-cutter show.
She's learned to do the circuit,
From Kim Hae to Taegu
Keeping Team Spirit troops alive.
She's a great tent heater,
And she blows without kimche breath,
All the boys along the DMZ.
She married a lieutenant,
And got a visa to the States.
The hope and dream of all the bar girls here.
But after a winter in Minot,
She froze her little twat,
And caught the freedom bird back to Angeles.
130
Ball of Kirriemuir
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Kirriemuir,
Where your wife and my wife,
Were a-doing on the floor.
Chorus
Singing, balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall.
If you've never been fucked on Saturday night,
You'll never get fucked at all."
Four and twenty virgins,
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over,
There were four and twenty less,
Four and twenty prostitutes,
Came up from Glockamore,
And only one went home that night,
And she was double-bore.
The village plumber he was there,
He felt an awful fool.
He'd come eleven leagues or more,
And forgot to bring his tool.
Sandy McPherson he came along,
It was a bloody shame.
He fucked a lassie forty times,
And wouldna take her haim.
Mrs. O'Malley she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
A-jumping off the mantelpiece,
And landing on her tits.
The minister's wife was at the ball,
A-sitting in the front,
A wreath of flowers 'round her ass,
A carrot up her cunt.
Father O'Flannigan he was there,
And in the corner he sat,
Amusing himself BY abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.
The Parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass,
And thistle up her cunt.
Bayard Stockton he was there,
Drunk beyond a doubt.
He tried to stuff the parson's wife,
But couldna get the root.
The Vicar's wife she was there,
A-sitting by the fire,
Knitting rubber Johnnies,
Out of India rubber tire.
The Vicar's wife she drank beer,
Back up against the wall,
"Put your money on the table boys,
I'm fit to do ye all."
The Vicar and his lovely wife,
Were having lots of fun,
The Parson had his finger,
Up another lady's bum.
The Queen was in the parlor,
Eating bread and honey,
The King was in the chambermaid,
And she was in the money.
First lady forward,
Second lady back,
Third lady's finger,
Up the fourth lady's crack.
The bride was in the kitchen,
Explaining to the groom.
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.
The groom was in the parlor,
Explaining to his bride.
The penis not the scrotum,
Is the part that goes inside.
Mick McMudock when he got there,
His prick was long and high,
But when he fucked her forty times,
He was fucking mighty dry.
McTavish, oh yes, he was there,
His prick was long and broad,
And when he fucked the furrier's wife,
She had to be rebored.
Jock McVenning he was there,
A looking for a fuck,
But every bitch was occupied,
And he was out of luck.
McCardew-Roberts he was there,
His dick was all alert,
But when half the night was done,
'Twas dangling in the dirt.
Lindsay Bedogni he was there,
And he was in despair.
He couldna get his dick,
Through the tangles in his hair.
Dino had a even stroke,
His skill was much admired,
He gratified one cunt at a time,
Until his skill expired.
One village idiot he was there,
Sitting on a pole.
He pulled his foreskin o'er his head,
And whistled through the hole.
The horny idiot he was there,
A-leaning on the gate.
He couldna find a cunt,
So he had to flatulate.
Another idiot he was there,
He wasn't such a fool,
He pulled his foreskin over his head,
And whistled thru his tool.
The village magician he was there,
Doing his favorite trick,
Pulling his foreskin over his head,
And vanishing up his prick.
The village cripple he was there,
He wasn't up too much,
He lined them up against the wall
And shagged them with his crutch.
The village smithy he was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score,
With a red-hot piece of wire.
The blacksmith's brother he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall,
And fucked them three by three.
Now farmer Giles he was there,
His sickle in his hand,
And when he swung the blade around,
He circumcized the band.
Giles he played a dirty trick,
We cannot let it pass,
He showed his lass his mighty prick,
Then shoved it up her ass.
Farmer Brown he was there,
A' jumping on his hat,
For half an acre of his corn
Was fairly fucking flat.
Officer O'Malley he was there,
The pride of all the force.
They found him in the stable,
Wanking off his horse.
The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed his wind,
The room was filled with soot,
The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes,
And blunted all the pricks. Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys,
To make their voices higher.
Little Tommy he was there,
He was only eight,
He was too small for the women,
So he had to masturbate.
The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances,
He was sterilizing pricks.
The doctor's daughter she was there,
She went to gather sticks.
She couldna find a blade of grass,
For cunts and standing dicks.
The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldna fuck the lassies,
So he fucked the letter box.
The village butcher he was there,
His cleaver in his hand
And every time he turned around,
He circumcised the band.
The village economist, he was there,
His penis in his hand,
Waiting for the time to come,
When supply would meet demand.
The tax collector he was there,
Collecting all his tax,
The woman who couldna pay,
Were paying on their backs.
The village lawyer he was there,
Collecting all his fees,
The men who couldna pay,
Were paying on their knees.
The village baker she was there,
All covered up in dough,
Men were kneading her up and down,
And slippin' it in her ho'.
The village witch she was there,
In an upstairs' room,
The men were ignoring her,
So she was riding on her broom.
The local herder he was there,
And he began to weep,
All these willing ladies,
And not a single sheep.
The village decorator he was there,
Interiors he likes to design,
Men were leery of him,
For he'd fuck them from behind.
The village nurse she was there,
Checking all the coc
