Below is the plain text of Stray Dog's ca 2001 digital songbook.
If you wish to verify the text, please download the original
TXT file.
Ceremonial Songs
Down Down Songs
1
Traditional Down Down Song
Here's to _____, he's true blue.
He's a hasher through and through,
He's a pisspot so they say.
Tried to get to heaven,
But he went the other way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
2
Why Are We Waiting?
(To: Oh, Come All Ye Faithful)
Good for slow drinkers at the Down Down,
hurrying up barmaids or slow beermasters.
Why are we waiting,
Could be masturbating,
Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting,
So fuck-ing long.
Why are we wait-ing,
Could be fornicating,
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing,
So fucking long!
(repeat as needed)
(Cleaner version for public singing.)
Why are we wait-ing,
Why-y are we waiting,
Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting
So bloody long?
Why are we wait-ing,
Why-y are we wa-ai-ting?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?
Oh, why-y are we wait-ing,
So bloody long?
3
He Ought to Be
Publically Pissed Upon
(Done to humble a
hasher, usually after a
down down song, but
sometimes as the down
down song.)
He (she) ought to be publicly pissed upon.
He (she) ought to be publicly shot (Bang
Bang!)
He (she) ought to be tied to a urinal
And kept there to fester and rot.
(Sometimes mooning the recipient)
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
4
Okinawa Down Down Song
This is the song Okinawa used from its first
hashes, which spread to many others over
the years. Started on cue, originally in
Japanese, from the RA, English is used in
other hashes: "Readyyy, Go!". Used in some
hashes to liven up a drinking contest.
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy
(gal).
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy
(gal).
So drink, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
Here's to _____ he's (she's) a horse's ass!
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey!
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
5
Why Was He (She) Born So Beautiful?
(Done as a tribute to hasher, usually after a
down down song, but sometimes as the down
down song.)
Why was he (she) born so beautiful,
Why was he (she) born at all.
He's (she's) no fucking use to anyone,
He's (she's) no fucking use at all.
He (she) might be a joy to his (her) mother,
But he's (she's) a pain in the asshole to me!
(Sometimes mooning the recipient)
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
(Alternate verse to a harriette)
Why was she born so beautiful?
Why was she born a bitch?
She's no bloody use to anyone,
She's only got one tit.
6
He's the Meanest
(To: Okinawa Down Down Song)
He's the meanest,
He sucks the horse's penis,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
All he does is pound it,
Ever since he found it,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
He's always pissing on us,
He's rotten and dishonest,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
7
Here's to Brother Hasher
(To: Ach, Du; Lieber Augustin)
(You may substitute sister for brother.)
Here's to brother hasher(s),
Brother hasher(s), brother hasher(s),
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
He's (Their) happy, he's (their) jolly,
He's (Their) fucked up by golly,
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
So drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Drink motherfucker(s),
Here's to brother hasher(s),
May he (they) chug-a-lug.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
8
Zulu Warrior
Ola zooma zooma zooma,
Ola zooma zooma chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief!
9
Shiggy-Shaggy
This is used as a replacement for "Down
down down down" while waiting for a slow
drinker or just to rev-up the pack.
Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy
Oi! Oi! Oi! etc...
(Continue until down down is completed.)
10
Hashstones
(To: The Flintstones)
Hashers, meet the Hashers,
They're the biggest drunks in history.
From the hash of (your hash here),
They're the leaders in debauchery.
Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years.
Watch them, as they down a lot of beers.
(same tune as first four lines)
Down down, down down down down,
Down, down down down down down down,
down, down.
Down down, down down down down,
Down, down down down down down down,
down, down!
(Repeat until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
11
The Hash House Harriers
(To: Addams Family)
Their drinking is compulsive and,
Their running is convulsive.
They're morally repulsive,
The Hash House Harriers.
Chorus
(Snap fingers twice with words "Down
Down")
Da da da da, Down Down.
Da da da da, Down Down.
Da da da daa, Da da da daa,
Da da da da, Down Down.
Their flatulence is rude and,
Their genitals protrude when,
They're running in nude in,
The Hash House Harriers.
They're always shiggy tracking,
From constantly bushwhacking,
Intelligence they're lacking,
The Hash House Harriers.
Down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
12
Drink, Drink, Drink!
(To: Drink, Drink, Drink)
Drinker begins at start of song. Really good
to encourage new hashers and slow drinkers.
Drink, drink, drink, you great hash-er,
Lift, your beer and be merry this day,
Drink, drink, drink, you mad hash-er,
Quick, like hashers and drain it away.
Chorus
Join all the hashers who down-downed before,
Merrily, merrily, drinking some more.
Don't lose it over your head when you're done,
Drink it up, drink it up, 'til it is gone.
Drink, drink, drink, you slow hash-er,
Lift, your beer and be merry this day,
Drink, drink, drink, you poor bastard,
Wimp, why can't you just drain it away.
(After chorus, repeat last verse and chorus
for slow drinkers until done.)
13
Down Down Beer
(To: Jingle Bells)
Another, more seasonal, down down
alternative.
Down down beer,
Down down beer,
Down down all the way.
Lift that mug of Christmas cheer,
And drink the hasher way-ay!
Down down beer,
Down down beer,
Down down all the way.
Lift that mug of Christmas cheer,
And drink the hasher way.
Drinking down down down down,
Down down down down,
etc.
14
Where, Oh Where
(To: Where, Oh Where Are You Tonight)
from Hee Haw
Where, oh where were you hashing last time?
Why did you leave us here all alone?
We hashed the world over,
While you tried to get some,
You met another,
And BBBLLLHHH! You was gone!
(alt: You went to another and BBBLLLHHH!
Now you drink!)
Drink it down, down, down, down...
BBBLLLHHH! Raspberry, on a hot day can
be done with a shower of beer from a well
shaken can, or like Hee Haw, just spittle at
the pack! 15
A Hash Disgrace
(To: Amazing Grace)
A hash disgrace I (we) missed this place,
More than twice Ya'll know.
For this my (our) crime I'll (we'll) do my
(our) time,
A down down it must go!
For telling lies of criss crossed thighs,
And I (we) will masturbate.
We all know ___________, you are a swine,
So do your down down and go!
(for Harrierette)
Now go and cum and run for fun,
Drink your beer and foam,
And don't forget to lick your lips,
While I give your hips my bone!
Drink it down, down, down , down ....
16
Consider Yourself
(To: Consider Yourself)
Consider yourself, On Home,
Consider yourself, one of the harriers,
We've taken to you, so strong,
It's clear, we're, going to get along.
Consider yourself, Vir-gin,
Consider yourself, part of festivities,
Just grab up that mug, don't fear,
And drink, up, or wear your next beer.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") 17
Does a Hasher?
(To: Sailor's Hornpipe)
Does a hasher like to walk,
Does a hasher like to run,
Does a hasher like to be,
Where they're having all the fun?
Can he drink a 12-ounce beer,
While his friends all sing and cheer,
Now your time has come,
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
18
Ft. Eustis Down Down Song
We're the ______ Hashers,
We're glad to be here,
We'll shortcut your trails,
and drink all your beer!
We'll fuck all your women,
and puke in your car,
We're the ______ Hashers,
The best Hash by far!!!
(To Violators)
Pack:
You worthless, sniveling piece of trash
Now you've gone and shown your ass!!!
GM:
Your behaviors unfit!!!
RA:
You must learn Hash Tradition!!!
Pack:
So charge your vessel and assume the position
On your knees, Asshole!!!(sarcastic)
Drink it down, down, down, down...
For the slow drinker...
(Slow)
Drink it down
(Fast)
Drink it down
Drink it down
Drink it down
(Slow)
Drink it down
(Fast)
Drink it down
Drink it down
Drink it down
All this time that it's taking,
I know that they're faking,
We could be masturbating,
I fear,
Now we've run out of song,
And we won't get a long,
Until you finish,
...That Fucking Beer!!!!
19
Hash Dog
(To: Bird Dog)
Horny is a bastard (From the Hash)
A very sneaky bastard (From the Hash)
But when he fucks my honey (He's a Dog)
He doesn't give me money (What a Dog)
Horny is a hasher that's a tryin' to steal my
baby (He's a Hash Dog)
Down down, down down down downnn.
Down down, down down, down down down
downnn.
Chorus
Hey, Hash Dog get away from my tail,
Hey, Hash Dog you're on the wrong trail.
Hash Dog you'd better leave my little pussy
love alone...
Hey, Hash Dog get away from my chick,
Hey, Hash Dog you'd better put away your dick.
Hash Dog you'd better find a little pus-sy of
your own.
Down down down, down down down downnn.
Down down, down down, down down down
downnn. 20
I Hit You Tree
(To: I Got You, Babe)
Good for cabaret where one hasher
introduces himself as Michael Kennedy and
the other as Sonny Bono, then begin to sing.
Michael: "They say that we can't go down the
hill, Before we go we really should write a will".
Sonny: "Well I don't know if all that's true,
Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it
really grew."
Sonny: "Tree."
Both: "I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree."
Mike: They say football on skis is really
dumb, Before we know it we'll both be very
numb.
Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind's in our
hair, You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree.
Sonny: I got flowers on my grave. It was
stupid. We seemed brave.
Mike: And we weren' t drunk, just acting like
clowns. We didn't see the tree, but we sure
found the ground.
Mike: Don't let them say that we can't ski,
We were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that
goddamn tree.
Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch,
Thought I' d break my fall, but wound up
buying the ranch.
Sonny: Tree
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree.
Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand.
Mike: She had you then found a real man.
Sonny: I had Newt to think with me.
Mike: I had Ted to drink with me.
Sonny: I went and kissed that tree goodnight.
Mike: Split my skull from left to right.
Sonny: I hit the tree, I can't let go.
Mike: My blood is dripping on the snow.
Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree. I hit you,
tree. I hit you, tree.
21
Mr. Blue Balls
(To: Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah)
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
My oh my oh, what a miserable lay.
Chorus
Haring is great but,
Beerings the best,
Time for your down-down,
Put ice on the chest.
Slap your ass cheeks 'round that ice hole,
It's a fact,
It's irrefutable,
It's cold right on your pubicals.
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Down-downs are better than your miserable
lay.
Mr. Blue Balls formed an icicle
He's all cold,
And furry too,
Better find something to screw.
Oh, zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Hope you like ice,
'Cause that's where you'll stay.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
22
Suck-Swallow
Chanted. Used as a replacement for "down,
down, down, down" to hurry slow drinkers.
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Breeathee!
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Suck, swallow
Breeathee!
(Continue until down down is finished, or go
into "Why are you waiting".)
23
There Was a Little Bird
(To: There Was A Little Bird)
There was a little bird,
No bigger than a turd,
A-sittin' on a telephone pole.
He ruffled up his neck,
And shit about a peck,
He puckered up his little asshole.
(point at violators)
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,
He puckered up his little asshole.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
24
Traditional Down Down Song II
Here's to _____, he's (she's) true blue.
He's (she's) a hasher through and through.
He's (she's) a pisspot, so they say.
He'll (she'll) never to get to heaven,
In a long, long way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
25
Traditional Down Down Song III
Alternate words to the traditional hash down
down song.
Here's to _____, he don't screw,
He's a asshole, through and through,
He's a shithead, so they say,
Tried to be a hetro,
But he went the other way.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
Birthday Songs
26
Happy Birthday Fuck You
(To: Happy Birthday)
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, you asshole,
Happy birthday, fuck you.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
27
Happy Birthday Down Down Song
(To: Okinawa Down Down Song)
Here's to ______, he's (she's) true blue,
It's his (her) birthday, boo hoo hoo,
He (She) is (age) if she's a day,
Wishes he (she) was younger,
But there's no way!
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
28
Happy Birthday to You
(To: Happy Birthday)
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like a hasher,
And you smell like one too.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
29
You're 50 Years Old (or 30, 40, 60, etc.)
(To: Oliver)
Substitute any decade, 30, 40, 50, etc., even
any age.
You're 50 years old, ______.
You've finally reached half of a century.
We hope you've got what it takes,
To stay - a-live till you're 51!
Maybe it's time to take some respite,
From these trashing days;
The end of your hashing days is near,
Let's hope the hash brewmaster,
Doesn't kill you first,
With that home-brew shit he calls beer!
You're 50 years old, ______.
Here's wishing you lots of luck,
And hoping that the future holds,
In store for you,
50 more years to fuck!
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
Calls to the Circle
30
Interhasher Anthem
(To: Pomp and Circumstances)
Come on Interhashers,
Lift your beers and shout.
We are interhashers,
What we've got we flout.
Close the narrow circle,
Gather round the beer.
Hashing, Wanking, Drinking,
That is why we're here.
Hashing, Wanking, Drinking,
That is why we're here. 31
Sing, You Fucker, Sing! (Salutations)
Used to coerce a hasher into singing.
For a Harrier:
We call upon ______,
To give us a song,
So sing, you fucker, sing!
And if you don't sing,
You can show us your schwing.
We don't want to see your moldy old schwing!
So sing you fucker, sing!
For a Harriette:
We call upon ______,
To give us a song,
So sing, you fucker, sing!
And if you don't sing,
You can show us your tits.
We don't want to see your sagging old tits!
So sing you fucker, sing! 32
Who's Who
Done as cadence, usually led by RA. Used
for a person in the mismanagement with a
sense of humor or used sparingly to test the
humor of someone who is being a jerk at the
hash. The blanks filled in by the name of the
hash and the name of the person in
appropriate spots.
1
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______! (Name repeated twice)
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off! (Name
repeated 3 times)
2
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off!
3
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Pack:
______, ______!
Songmaster:
Who's the bastard of the ______ Hash,
Who gets pissed if we miss a check,
Who rides herd on his own laid trail,
Who goes home with the hash bash cash.
Pack:
______, ______, ______, piss off!
(Other lines to create more verses done as
above.)
Who short cuts in the first half mile.
Who pisses and shits all over the trail.
Who never works checks or any bad trails.
Who pisses off the Pack: everytime he speaks.
Who never sings aloud in the down down circle.
Who's leaving now for a piece of tail.
(Make up your own verses)
In the Circle
33
A Prayer
(To: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin)
(Do as a chant. The chant alone without,
the following song is frequently done by
RA's to start hashes or down downs.)
Leader: And now, hashers, a prayer,
Leader: A Prayer for the constipated.
Response: SHIT!
Leader: A prayer for the inebriated.
Response: PISS!
Leader: A prayer for the frustrated.
Response: FUCK!
Leader: A prayer for the dehydrated.
Response: BEER!
Leader: A prayer for the emasculated.
Response: BALLS!
(Continued on next page...)
(sing)
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, Bengelstein, Bengelstein,
Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He sits on the steeple and shits on the people,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He keeps us all waiting, while he's masturbating,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He tried Mrs. Bengelstein, but she's old and
rotten in-between,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
He ups and he downs them, he fucking well
grounds them,
So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man.
34
A Small Hymn
Chant slowly with reverence.
Hymn, Hymn,
Fuck him.
35
Olly, Olly, Olly
A cheer to get the pack rev'd up.
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
Songmaster: Olly!
Pack: Oii!
Songmaster: Olly!
Pack: Oii!
Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly!
Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii!
36
Blessing of the Hares
Chanted, usually by the RA before the hash
begins. Add or delete as needed.
Bless these hares,
Bless this trail,
Coppus no catch us,
Farmer no shoot us,
Doggus no bite us,
Heatus no stroke us,
Plenty of cold beer to drink,
Coitus non interruptus. 37
Hail To The Chief
(To: Hail to the Chief (Sousa presidential
fanfare version.))
This one was composed about the time of the
scandal in the Clinton presidency in the U. S.
Hail to the Chief, our leader and our brother,
Morals and virtue, he teaches us integrity.
He'll fuck your wife, or your daughter or
your mother,
They will blow him happily on bended knee.
Long may he reign, he rules us like no o-other.
Lift up your beers for sexual liberty!
(slower tempo)
Beer, broads and barfing round our cir-cle of
friends,
(faster)
Hail to the Chief, we hope it nev-er ends.
38
Toasts
Here's to the gash that never heals,
The more you touch it the better it feels,
Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell,
You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell.
Here's to the girl that lives on the hill,
If she won't do it her sister will.
Here's to her sister!
Here's to the breezes,
That blow through the treeses,
And lift the girls dresses ,
Way over their kneeses,
And show us the creases,
That twitches and squeezes,
And teases and pleases,
And carries diseases,
By Jesus!
Here's to the girl that I love best,
I lover her best when she's undressed,
I fuck her sitting, standing, and lying,
And if she had wings, I'd fuck her flying.
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten.
If I had a dog who could piss this stuff,
(Holding up Beer),
And if I knew he could piss enough,
I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed,
And suck his dick till we both dropped dead.
Here's to the lady dressed in black,
Once she walks by she never looks back,
And when she kisses, oh how sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.
Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!
Times are hard,
And wages are small,
So drink more beer,
And fuck them all.
39
Dumb Shit
(To: Music Man)
Refrain from Music Man. Used for someone
who screws up at the down down.
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb shit, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
(Continue as needed.)
40
Piss Off, Ya Wank
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off.
41
We're Here Because
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here,
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here.
(Repeat until interest wanes.)
42
What a Wank
(To: William Tell Overture)
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank, wank, wank, wank wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
43
Where Is Our Beer?
(To: Ta-ra-ra Boom De-Ay)
Start slow and speed it up and raise the
volume on repeats for best effect.
To waitress:
Where is our bloody beer?
We're getting thirsty here!
If you like tips my dear,
Get us our bloody beer!
We ran from far and near,
To drink your bloody beer,
Can't wait another year,
We want our bloody beer!
(Repeat as needed)
To biermeister/hare/mismanagement:
Where is our fucking beer?
We're getting thirsty here!
This hash is very queer,
Without our fucking beer!
We ran from far and near,
To drink your fucking beer,
Can't wait another year,
We want our fucking beer!
(Repeat as needed)
Wedding Songs
44
Hash Wedding Song
(To: Amazing Grace)
Pack song for a wedding hash, preceding
down downs for bride and groom.
Today we wed ________ to ________,
We heard them say "I do."
Give it your best,
For the next forty years,
But first drink down your beers.
For the Start
45
On On
(To: Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee)
Good for starting out a hash or when the
trail is cleared at a particularly difficult
check.
On On On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On,
On On On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On.
On On On On Onn, On-On On On,
Onn, On-On On On On On Onnn.
On Onnn On On On On On On,
On On On On Onn, On-On.
Farewell
46
Farewell Song
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
We bid farewell to ______,
To hash in other lands,
We bid farewell to ______,
To hash in other lands.
May all your hash trails end with beer,
May all your trails have beer,
We bid farewell to ______,
Now here is one more beer.
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting")
47
Hash Hymn
(To: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot)
Sing with gestures, as actions speak much
louder than words. Standard hash
benediction closing down-downs.
Songmaster says, 'Respect for the Hash Hymn'
Chorus
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home.
I looked over Jordon,
And what did I see-ee,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
A band of An-gels,
Cumin' after me-ee,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
(Songmaster says, '2nd verse')
If you get there be-four I doo,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Tell all my friends I'm cumin' twoo,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
(Songmaster says, '3rd verse')
I'm sometimes up, I'm some-times down,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
But still my sole feels heav-en-ly bound,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Options:
Songmaster says, 'Harlots', then women do
chorus in high pitched voices, screaming in
high pitched, exagerated climax at the each
pause.
Songmaster says, 'Real Men', then men do
chorus in low, deep voices, exagerating the
size of their penis in the 'cumin' gesture by
hold both hands apart in sweeping, two-
handed masturbating gesture and swinging
hands low to the ground with 'swing
low'
Songmaster says, 'Ray Charles', then pack
closes eyes and sings chorus with gestures,
moving head from side to side with the beat.
Songmaster says, 'Humming', then pack
hums chorus with gestures.
Songmaster says, 'Silently', then pack does
chorus silently with gestures only, following
the lead of the songmaster. Songmasters who
screw up the gestures significantly are
traditionally awarded a down down after the
song.
Songmaster says, 'Helen Keller', then pack
closes eyes and does chorus with gestures
only, saying "Wa Wa" whenever Jordon
comes up.
Songmaster says, 'Fast Finish', then pack
sings loud and fast with gestures)
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home...
Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot,
Cumin' four two carry me home.
(Slowly)
Cumin' four two carry me home.
Hash Hymn Gesture Dictionary
All - Make wide sweeping gesture with
hands outward.
Angels - Flap hands to side as though flying.
Band - Hold hands in front of you, cuffing
the fingers and making a gesture as though
playing the slide of a trombone.
Be-four - hold up four fingers.
Carry - Put hands together in front and
briskly swing them back and forth as though
cradling a baby.
Cumin' - Cuff hand and make a masterbation
gesture. (Some hashers mask the motion with
slight of hand by first moving the other hand
behind their head and patting it a split seond
before the masterbating gesture, sometimes
coughing at the same time).
Chariot - Shake both hands outward as
though holding the reins and make horse
whinnying noises.
Doo - Put hands on hips and squat as though
taking a crap.
Down - Put index and thumb together near
crotch as if holding a small penis then move
the hand downward slightly and wiggle it briskly.
Four - Hold up four fingers.
Friends - Cuff fingers of left hand held
outward in front, with thumb and index
finger forming a circle. Rapidly insert and
withdraw the index finger of the right hand
into the circle in a universal fornication gesture.
Home - Hold arms above your head, fingers
extended and touching together forming a
'roof' over your head.
I - Point to your eye with your index finger
I'm - Point to your chest with your index finger
Heavenly Bound - With hand holding foot,
swing it into the air.
Jordon - (River Jordon, traditional) Move
hands outward, then right to left, wiggling
fingers in a wave motion. (Michael Jordon,
U.S.) Make a basketball jump shot motion.
Looked - Shading eyes with hand and
moving head back and forth as if searching.
Me or My - Point to your chest with your
index finger.
Over - Sweep hand from 'Looked' position outward.
See - Point index finger from 'I' position outward.
Sole - Point to bottom of shoe.
Still - (as in distiller) Make drinking gesture
with hand, moving head backward.
Sweet - Kiss 1st and 2nd finger and thumb
together, throwing the kiss outward.
Swing Low - Intertwine fingers forming a
cradle and with arms down, swing them back
and forth.
Tell - Put back of hand to mouth, rapidly
moving thumb with fingers as in speaking gesture.
There - Point back over your shoulder with
your index finger.
Two - Hold up two fingers.
Up - Cuff fingers in front as holding a long
penis then move the hand upward.
What - Hands out to side, palms up as in a question.
You - Point outward with index finger. Holiday Songs
Christmas
48
A Christmas Carol
(To: Silent Night)
Sodomy, masturbate,
Fellatio, copulate,
Round the world and Hershey highway,
Fornicating in the hay,
These are tricks that I lo-ove,
These are tricks that I love.
Condom, prophylactic,
Spermicide does the trick.
IUD's and birth control pills,
Pull it out and let it spill,
These will make it sa-afe,
These will make it safe.
49
A Christmas Poem
(To: Chopsticks)
Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recite.
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's
a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know
that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his
workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's
ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of
his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in
a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing
for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get
hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
(Continued...)
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he
might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace
on earth."
51
A Little Christmas Poem
Santa comes but once a year,
With lots and lots of toys.
Dildos and lace for little girls,
Rubbers for little boys.
Viagra for Dad,
Midol for Mom,
And whips and chains,
For Uncle Tom.
Santa comes but once a year,
But what a frigging year!
52
Ancient Hash Song
(To: Tidings of Comfort and Joy)
A hasher is a manly chap,
He's full of vim and vigor,
And maidens gather round in droves,
To see his manly figure.
Of flashing thighs and knobby knees,
He makes a splendid sight,
And all the girls do seek of him,
To spend with them the night,
At this ancient sport he does excel,
None is better in the land,
Tis only on a Monday night,
He needs a bit of a hand.
But Tuesday sees him big and bold,
If a little red of eye,
He tells himself he's not so old,
And has another try.
As lovers go he is the best,
The girls cannot go wrong.
Where others limp and sweat and pant,
The hasher cries, "On-On!"
Now you may think this splendid brute,
Is more animal than man,
But concealed inside his lofty head,
Is more than a empty beer can.
Of intellect he is most high,
Long words come naturally,
In more than a dozen languages,
He cries, "Jeez, I need a pee!"
On Monday night great minds confer,
To put the world to right.
Engineers and scientists,
Politicians from Left and Right.
It really is a treasure trove,
Of wit and repartee,
Foul language is never heard,
Just the occasional "Cooee."
This lofty band,
This group most high,
Gentlemen, one and all,
If only the world was made of such,
Then life would be a ball.
In this modern world we find,
Such violence and sin,
Isn't it a comfort then,
To find this band of men.
Whose only care is a maiden's prayer,
And to keep them safe from harm.
Oh, fret not, pretty maiden,
A hasher will keep you warm.
Not only warm but fed and clothed,
With oils he'll anoint your body,
And all he wants in return,
Is the occasional bit of nooky!
(continued...)
And when a Hasher's run is o'er,
To the Golden Gate he goes.
St. Peter studies the Hash Cash book,
To see what he might owe.
"Tha's fully paid, oop, no problem there,
And what's this I see here?
The likes of a bit of hot nooky,
After a few cold beers.
Tha's just the sort we need oop 'ere,
So tha can move along,
Vestal Virgins is on the left."
The hasher cried, "On-On!"
53
And So This is Hashmas
(To: And So This is Christmas)
And so this is Hashmas,
And a happy new year,
Get in a drunk punch-up,
And get socked in the ear.
(hold your ear, then)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh
And so this is Hashmas,
With a wink and a leer,
Let's eat too much turkey,
And drink lots of beer.
(hold your belly)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh.
And so this is Hashmas,
No need to look glum,
We'll drink too much whiskey,
And fall on our bum.
(grab your ass)
Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh
And so this is Hashmas,
What a load of old crap,
Let's put it up your bottom,
And cum on your back.
(gesture accordingly)
Oooh-aarh-oooh-aarh
54
Bad King Hashmas
(To: Good King Wenceslas)
Bad King Hashmas spent the lot,
On some horse called Steven,
Was the bloke out to lunch or what,
The odds weren't nearly even,
Now that all the beer money's spent,
Life will seem quite cruel,
Might as well go home to the wife,
And send the kids to school.
55
Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer?
(To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer?
You can substitute "bloody" for "fucking"
while in more public areas. Shouldn't be too
hard to get the pack to learn and participate
in the last three lines.
The trail mark said that beer was near,
But ne'er a beer was found.
The Hare was lost, the GM drunk,
And still the the trail it wound.
The RA screamed out, "Kill the hare!"
The wankers they did sound,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where's the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
Then down the trail came kegs of beer,
Heaped up upon a sleigh.
A fat old man was riding there,
With frothing beard of grey.
His steeds with horns were mighty queer,
He heard the hashers say,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
He tossed a keg then rode away,
The bloody sleigh it flew.
(Continued...)
The strange old man, he saved the day,
As hashers grabbed the brew.
And as the last was put away,
The hashers screamed anew,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
They never found the hare that day,
The trail ran out of hash.
The GM passed out on some hay,
The RA had to dash.
No down downs then were possible,
There was no bloody bash,
Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking
beer?"
"Fu-u-cking beer?"
"O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking beer!"
56
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire
(To: The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole)
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost ripping up your nose,
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire,
And folks dressed up like buffaloes.
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the
snow,
Helps to make the season right,
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,
Will find it hard to see tonight.
They know that Santa is on his way,
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh,
And every mother's child is sure to spy,
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas,
Screw you.
57
De Ebonics Crimmus
Pome
Recite. Best done as
li
ke Rap. Intended for
hum
or, not to be racially
dero
gatory.
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And
all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrant fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
58
Deck the Halls (Politically Correct
Version)
(To: Deck The Halls)
Deck the halls with boughs of,
Non-endangered plant species,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Toll the ancient,
Non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
See the blazing log of,
Non-denominational-winter-solstice-,
Holiday-non-endangered wood before us,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Play the harp without unnecessary,
Brutality and join the chorus,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Sing we emotionally stable,
In a collective group effort,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Heedless of the weather patterns,
Despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the mature year passes,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Hail the new year without,
Any implicit ageism, ye persons,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
Dance in a non-hierarchical,
Manner in merry measure,
Fa la la la la la la la la,
While I tell of non-materialistic,
non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday
treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la. 59
Give It a Blow
(To: Let it Snow)
Well the weather outside is frightful,
But my dick is so delightful.
If you really want to see it grow,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
My dick is ready for hopping.
If you want a really good show,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
When it's time to kiss good-night,
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
Be careful now don't you bite,
With your tongue I will make you warm.
The fire is slowly dying,
And my dear, we're still good-bye-ing,
But as long as you want me so,
Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow.
60
Hark the Harriet Spinsters Sing
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: Hark the Herald Angels Sing)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
Please on earth, some shagging wild!
We're fed up being meek and mild.
Joyful all you real men rise,
Join the triumph in my thighs,
With the angelic host proclaim,
A Christmas shag is my aim.
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
Hail the heaving Prince of pleasure,
As he pumps into my Treasure.
Delight and ecstasy with his shag,
No more 4 pack and a fag.
Wild he lays our glorious thighs,
No more vibrators, Wot a size!
Born to make our pussy's wet,
Watch us writhe and make us sweat,
Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing,
Is there a man with a great big thing?
61
Hasher Chorus
(To: Hallelujah
Chorus)
Harriers:
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my butt out,
Eat my-y butt out.
Please lick my sweaty cojones,
Lick my smegma, lick my smegma,
Lick my smegma, lick my smegma!
Please eat my crusty brown asshole,
Dinkleberries, for the fairies,
Dinkleberries, for the fairies!
Harriettes:
Eat my pussy,
Eat my pussy,
Eat my pussy, Eat my pussy,
Eat my-y pussy.
Please lick my lovely clitoris,
It's so juicy, it's so juicy,
It's so juicy, it's so juicy! Please lick my tight little anus,
It's so mushy, it's so mushy,
It's so mushy, it's so mushy!
All:
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Halle-e-lujah.
Let's circle up now and have the Down-Downs,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er,
Where's the be-er?
Hares in the circle for a Down-Down,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares,
Drown the ha-ares!
Hal-le-lu-jah..!
62
Hashmas Chopsticks
(To: Chopsticks)
Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recite.
'Twas the morning of hashmas
And in the Hash House,
Not a hasher was stirring
Nor his trouser mouse.
All the beer kegs were drunk,
By the hashers with care,
In hopes that the Biermeister,
Soon would be there.
He's bringing lot's of cheer,
Some wine - and beer,
But wait until you see,
Hares throw up on the tree!
So, On! G M, On! R A,
On! Hash Horn and On Sec,
From K L to London to L A to Quebec.
To the top of the hill,
And then over the wall,
Here they come and they're sayin',
"Merry Hashmas to all!"
63
Here Cums Clinton
(To: Here Comes Santa Claus)
Here cums Clinton,
Here cums Clinton,
Right on Monica's dress.
Newt's in an uproar,
Talk on the House floor,
Hillary's doing her best.
Elephants crying,
Donkeys praying,
"Impeachment don't you dare!"
Try as they will,
Pollsters show still,
Americans really don't care.
64
Here's the Season
(To: Deck the Halls)
Here's the season to be greedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Eat until you feel quite seedy,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Lots of beer and food and lollies,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
In the morning you'll be sorry,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
We always put up our Christmas stocking,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Santa might give us something to cock in,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Last year he said he wouldn't come round here,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Some bastard stuffed it up his reindeer,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
(Continued...) Get the maid under the mistletoe,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
If the wife sees you'll soon know,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Is that what they mean by sticky pudd'n,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la,
Serves you right if you get dripping,
Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la.
65
I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus
(To: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus,
Underneath the Christmas tree at noon.
She didn't see me creep,
Down the stairs to have a peep,
She thought that I was napping,
In my bedroom fast asleep.
Then I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus,
Underneath his swaying big fat moon.
What a sight that would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy fucking Santa Claus at noon!
66
I'm Dreaming of a Pink Pussy
(To: White Christmas)
I'm dreaming of a pink pussy,
Just like the ones I used to screw,
With a sweet aroma,
Thank really shows ya',
Thank cunnilingus is for you.
I'm dreaming of my love's pussy,
Each time I jack off in the night.
May her thighs be creamy and white,
And may her vagina be tight.
67
I've A Bone For Christmas
(To: I'll Be Home for Christmas)
I've a bone for Christmas,
You can count on me.
Just a blow and mistletoe,
And condoms on the tree.
Far from home you'll find me,
Wanking till I scream.
I've a bone for Christmas,
If only in my dream.
68
Jingle Balls
Chorus
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked in this
way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked
Christmas day.
Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls
more slack,
Bouncing up and down, as we run to and fro,
We'll jingle with our gen-i-tals wherever we
may go.
69
Jungle Smell
(To: Jingle Bells)
Chorus
Jungle smell, jungle smell,
Shig-gy all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to run,
Through a swamp on Sun-un-day, hey!
Jungle smell, jungle smell,
Shig-gy all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to run,
Through a swamp on Sun-un-daay.
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way.
All those SCB's,
Cursing all the way.
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way.
All those drunkard SCB's,
Cursing all the way.
(to chorus)
70
The Legal Night Before Christmas
Recitation, quickly in the monotoned fashion
of a lawyer reading a brief.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to
Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter
"the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited
to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking,
socks, etc., had been affixed by and around
the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would
arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House, were located in their
individual beds and were engaged in
nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein
vision of confectionery treats, including, but
not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar
plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise
appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part
(sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"),
being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for
a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the
parties were clad in various forms of
headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or
warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a
certain disruption of unknown nature, cause
and/or circumstance. The party of the first part
did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did
observe, with some degree of wonder and/or
disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the
"Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction,
instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-
conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further
asserted that an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus,
the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and
(Continued...)
willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages,
toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which
was partially covered with residue from the
chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be
tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of
local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began
to fill the stocking of the minor children,
which hung adjacent to the chimney, with
toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor
pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched
the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or
ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited
and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown
destination.
However, prior to the departure of the
Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and
to all a good night!" Or words to that effect
also in violation of local environmental
Noise Control regulations.
Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch 71
The Little Late Bastard
(To: Away in the Manger)
Away in the shiggy,
The FRB led.
The Little Late Bastard,
Was getting some head.
The hares on the tra-ail,
The hash did they lay.
The little late bastard,
Passed out on the hay.
The cattle were worried,
As hashers ran near,
But Little Late Bastard,
He needed a beer.
While hashers were sweating,
The Late One was spry.
The keg in the pick-up,
Was now half-way dry.
The hashers were near now,
The hares coming in.
The late one was finished,
Passed out with a grin.
The sheep in the manger,
Had nothing to fear.
The pack's all gone home now,
The hash has no beer.
The angels in heaven,
Were shocked when he showed.
The Little Late Bastard,
His cheeks how they glowed.
He wretched on St. Peter,
And pissed on the gate.
"To hell with the bastard,
He's too bloody late!"
72
O Cum, Interhashers
(To: O Come, All Ye Faithful)
O cum, interhashers,
Joyful and triumphant,
O cum ye, O cu-um ye,
Behind the stage,
Cum in the bushes,
Climax in the portolets.
Oh cum and masturbation,
Oh cum and copulation,
Oh cum and fornication at Interhash.
Sing packs of hashers,
Nasty, dirty lyrics,
O sing all ye dirty bastards,
At the hash.
Sing to the virgins,
Sing to all the sin-in-ners.
Oh sing of masturbation,
Oh sing of copulation,
Oh sing of fornication at Interhash.
Beer to the hashers,
Beer this happy season,
Drink, beer until the bastards,
Spew it out.
Drink to the virgins,
Drink to all the sin-in-ners.
Oh beer and masturbation,
Oh beer and copulation,
Oh beer and fornication at Interhash.
73
Oh Little Mug of Lager Beer
(To: Oh, Little Town of Bethleham)
Oh little mug of lager beer,
How dear you are to me.
You help to bring me Christmas cheer,
From toast until I pee.
Your head of foam doth shi-neth,
Beneath the bar room light.
Through all the years and all the beers,
It's lager beer tonight.
74
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
(To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
So I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized,
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices,
Turned and found the place was occupied,
By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse,
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in,
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace,
And hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen',
And I would like to find,
The crummy little creep,
Who had the nerve to switch the sign.
Because I've got two black eyes,
And one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
75
Rudolph the Rednosed Hasher
(To: Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the rednosed hasher,
Had a very shiny nose.
And if he ever ate you,
You would even say it grows.
All of the other hashers,
Used to laugh and call him short.
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any or-gy sport.
Then one lonely Hashmas eve,
Rudolph got a date.
Rudolph with his nose so long,
Kept her happy all night long.
Then how the Harriettes loved him,
As they shouted out, "Do Me!" (Do Me!)
Rudolph the rednosed hasher,
You'll go down in his-tor-y!
76
The S&M&M&M Man Is Cumming To
Town
(To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
He's biting her tits.
He's fucking her twice.
He's cutting her cunt with a great big bowie
knife.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He knows who you are fucking.
He knows if your orgasms are fake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So you better be bad for your own sake!
He's tying her up,
On the tower of power.
And then he's going to give her a golden shower.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He's fucking her ass,
He's pissing in her eye.
He's doing things to her that would make
Mengle cry.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town.
He knows when you've been naughty.
He knows when you've been in pain.
He even knows if your're straight or gay.
You better be straight for your own sake!
You better watch out.
He's makin' her cry!
He shoving a pole up her ass the width of a
pizza pie.
The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town!
77
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
(To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.
78
Silent Fart
(To: Silent
Night)
Silent fart,
Silent fart,
Passes by, through the dark,
Round the circle, it passes by.
Got a whiff of it, thought I would die.
Get the fuck out of here,
Get the fuck out of here.
79
Silent Night
Silent night, foggy night,
Somebody pfffffft!, smells like shite,
Who's the bastard that dropped his guts,
I hope it blew a hole in his nuts,
That will make him sing high-er,
And bring a tear to his eye.
80
Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator
(To: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You were probably near a bar.
All of the other Senators,
Wondered how he got his dames,
They thought he drank too many,
Too play in any bedroom games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say,
Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled.
That's how the police found them,
Wrapped around a maple tree,
Teddy the red-nosed Senator,
He's a drunken S.O.B.
He's a drunken S.O.B.
81
Twas The Night Before Christmas
(To: Chopsticks)
Sung to the popular tune for Chopsticks or
recited.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And God it was neat.
The kids were both gone,
And my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted,
And the phone off the hook,
It was time for some pussy,
Fuck reading that book.
(tempo changes for the last four of each
verse as with chopsticks)
Mom-ma, in her ted-dy,
And I, in the nude,
I'd just reached the bedroom,
And grabbed a jar of lube.
When out on the lawn,
There arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner,
And momma went dry.
Up to the window,
I sprang like an elf.
And tore back the shade,
While she played with herself.
The moon, on the crest,
Of the snow-man we'd built,
Shoved a broom, up his ass,
Clean up, to the hilt.
When what to my wondering,
Eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh,
And eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver,
Half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear,
And a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm, speaking,
He was high, as a kite,
And he yelled out to his team,
But it didn't sou-und right.
(Continued...)
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
Hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig,
Or I'll cut off your nuts."
"Look out for the lamp post,
And don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh,
'Cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared, the old lamp post,
The tree, got, a rub,
Then Santa leaned right out,
And puked-up on my shrub.
And then from the roof,
We heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer,
Now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket,
To cover my ass,
When down through the chimney,
Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with,
Dip spit, ga-lore,
He looked just like a bum,
And smelled just like a whore.
"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned,",
He said with a smile,
"And Rudolf was farting,
For the last half a mile."
He walked to the kitchen,
For himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker,
And pissed in the sink.
I start-ed to laugh,
As my wife, turned around.
For Santa was hung,
Half-way to the ground.
Back in the den,
Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone,
And some new things were packed.
The first thing he found,
Was a pair of false tits,
The next was a manual,
On how to pop zits.
A dime - bag of reefer,
Was Santa's. next find,
And six pair, of pan-ties,
The ed-i-ble kind.
A boarding school pisser,
A penis extension,
And many other things,
That I can't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string,
And all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped,
With aluminium foil.
"This stuff's not for kids,
Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave it all here,
And then I'll just split."
He filled both our stockings,
Looked at my wife's cleave.
And tucked my son's crack pipe,
Up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh,
But his feet were like lead,
Made it out of the chimney,
And on my roof smacked his head.
(restart same tempo)
In time he was seated,
Took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph,
This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone,
When we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about college,
Is that beer won't run out!"
82
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
See "Twelve Days of Christmas" for conduct
of song.
For the first bug of Christmas,
My manager said to me,
See if they can do it again.
Tell them it's a feature.
Say it's not supported.
Change the documentation.
Blame it on the hardware.
Find a way around it.
Say they need an upgrade.
Reinstall the software.
Ask for a dump.
Run with the debugger.
Ask them how they did it.
Try to reproduce it.
83
The Twelve Days After Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of
Christmas for the song.
The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down,
And burnt it, just for spite,
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks,
Of both the turtle doves.
The third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens,
To make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene,
The five golden rings were completely fake,
They turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn't lay,
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to,
The A.S.P.C.A.
The seventh day, what a mess I found,
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned,
My true love, my true love,
My true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas,
Before they could suspect,
I bundled up the,
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids-a-milking,
(well, actually I kept one of the ladies),
And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love,
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for
the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Soprani) Birds!!!
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
84
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A nice lager in a brown mug.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Two dirty shoes,
And a nice lager in a brown mug.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three french kisses,
Two dirty shoes,
And a nice lager in a brown mug.
etc...
Four call-ing "On!"
Five golden ales.
Six hares a laying.
Seven bastards swimming.
Eight poofters walking.
Nine bitches dancing.
Ten hashers leaping.
Eleven buglars blowing.
Twelve down downs drinking.
(Second Alternate Verses)
A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck.
(On-on-on).
Two shit house doors,
Three French whores,
Four calling girls,
Five blow jobs,
Six 69'ers,
Seven sucking sisters,
Eight aching assholes,
Nine gnawed off nipples,
Ten torn off titties,
Eleven leaping lesbians,
Twelve twats a'twitching. (Third Alternate Verses)
A hand job in an MG.
(squirt, squirt, squirt).
Two rectal sores.
Three droopy drawers.
Four fucking whores.
Five pubic hairs.
Six seeping chancres.
Seven sucking sisters.
Eight edible panties.
Nine nibbled nipples.
Ten tons of titty.
Eleven lickable labia.
Twelve twats 'a twitchin'.
Make up your own verses!
85
The Twelve Days of Interhash
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate verses. See the "Twelve Days
of Christmas" for the conduct of the song.
On the first day of Interhash,
My true love gave to me,
A lube job in her fur tree.
Two shit house doors,
Three French whores,
Four calling girls,
Five pubic hairs!
Six sixty-niners,
Seven sucking sisters,
Eight aching assholes,
Nine gnawed off nipples,
Ten torn testicles,
Eleven leaping lesbians,
Twelve twats a'twitching, 86
The Twelve Days of Interhashing
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate verses. See "Twelve Days of
Christmas" for the conduct of the song.
On the first day I interhashed,
This is what I found,
A trail with a lot of shiggy.
Two D. O. T.'s,
Three hares a-laying,
Four bimbos walking,
Five frosty beers!
Six puffs of flour,
Seven long B. T.'s,
Eight whistles blowing,
Nine S. C. B.'s swimming,
Ten tits a-swinging,
Eleven hashers drinking,
Twelve heinous sins.
87
The Twelve Days of Ramadan
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
This can be done in chorus, or it can also be
done by individuals, or in large gatherings,
groups being assigned one of the verses and
singing it when it is their turn. . Add the
additional award of a beer if they miss their
turn. Obviously, the one with the first verse
will have to sing twelve times, so pick strong
drinkers for the early verses.
On the first day of Ramadan King Khalid
gave to me,
A book by Salman Rushdie,
(Gesture throwing to ground and stamping
on it.)
On the second day of Ramadon King Khalid
gave to me,
Two Yemenese (Gesture big spit.)
A book by Salman Rushdie (with gesture).
(Continue adding verses)
Three Ayatollahs.
(Sing "Ayatollah, Ayatollah," to tune of
Hallelujah Chorus, while bowing in prayer.)
Four Iraqi mine sweepers.
(Put hands over ears and stamp feet.)
Five Iranian terrorists.
(Jump forward and spray crowd with
machine gun fire.)
Six cruise missiles.
(Sing "We're coming to blow you away, Ha-
ha, hee-hee, ho-ho")
Seven U.S. soldiers.
(Shout "One, two, three, four, I love the
Marine Corps," while marching in place.)
Eight blindfolded hostages.
(Sing "Show me the way to go home" while
stumbling about with arms outstretched.)
Nine raving mullahs.
(Shout "Israel must go, Israel must go" while
shaking fists in air.)
Ten Scud missiles.
(Fingers in ears and say, "Nanny-Nanny
boo-boo, you missed me!" )
Eleven open sewers.
(Sing "What a pong, what a pong, etc." to
tune of William Tell Overture.)
Twelve circumcisions.
(Sing "Oooh that hurts, oooh that hirts" to
tune of The Music Man while running
around holding groins.)
88
The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas
(To: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
More alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of
Christmas for the song.
1 Some parts to a Mustang GT.
2 Huntin' dogs.
3 Shotgun shells.
4 Mud grip tires.
5 Flannel shirts.
6 Cans of Spam.
7 Packs of Redman.
8 Table Dancers.
9 Years Probation.
Tin of Copenhagen.
11 Rasslin' Tickets.
12-Pack of Bud.
89
Waklin' 'Round in Womens's Underwear
(To: Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things the wife is missin',
Didn't ask for her persmission,
I'm wearin her clothes - silk panty hose,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
In the store there's a teddy,
With little sraps like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight like handcuffs at night,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say are you ready, we'll say whoa man,
Let's wait until the wife's out of town.
Later on if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... persmission,
Wearin her clothes - silk panty hose,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear,
Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear.
90
We Wish You A Merry Hash
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
We wish you a Merry Hash
We wish you a Merry Hash
We wish you a Merry Hash
And a good shagging too!
91
We Wish You a Merry Hashmas
(To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
We wish you a merry Hashmas,
And a clappy New Year.
Bad tidings we bring,
About the drip and the sting,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea.
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
We wish you a Merry Syphilis,
And a Happy Gonorrhea. 92
We're Harriets Three
By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird)
(To: We Three Kings)
The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the
last couple of years at the Christmas hash
party. They trade under the name of 'Santa's
Slags', and wear suitably revealing Santa
outfits with all the gear. The following carol
was rewritten by them after
several bottles of wine.
We're Harriets three, from Aberdeen Hash
We'll take no shit from all of you trash
Through field and fountain
Moor and mountain
Following yonder trail
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight ?
Born a Harriet of AH3
We just want to sit on your knee
King forever
Ceasing,never
Over us all to reign
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight ?
Glorious now behold it arise
That will sure bring tears to your eyes
What a plonker
Up your stonker
We'll have a helluva time tonight !
Oh,Oh
Trail of Flour
Trail of Shite
Trail of wonderous pure delight
Westward leading
Beer preceeding
Where can we get laid tonight?
93
While the Kiwis Shagged
(To: While Shepards Watched)
While the Kiwis shagged their flocks by night,
All laying on the ground,
Up jumped the Aussie doctor and said,
"Stop that and I'll buy a round,"
"Stop that and I'll buy a round."
"Fear not," said they, for fear of AIDS
Had seized the doctor's mind,
"Before we Kiwis take a new bride,
We clean out her behind,
We clean out her behind."
So you girls waiting for the question popped,
You won't get very far,
If you want to take a Kiwi mate,
You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa."
You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa."
94
White Hashmas
(To: White Christmas)
I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
As I masturbate in bed,
Dreaming of juicy Lucy and Rock,
Hard's floozes,
And a katoey giving me head,
I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas,
With every stroke of my old man,
Oh, I think I'm coming,
I know I'm coming,
Oh, won't Hashmas be so grand. Father's Day
95
Father
(To: Father)
words in parentheses are echoed by pack
Father
F is for the farts that used to linger
A is for his arse all racked with piles
(all racked with piles)
T is for the turds he pried out by finger
(finger)
H is for his hole all wreathed with smiles
(all wreathed in smiles)
E is for the eggs he used to dine on
(dine on)
R is rotten and rotten they'd always be
(they'd always be)
Put them all together and they spell FATHER.
The one who fouls the air for me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who fouls the air for me,
(the air for me)
96
They're Moving Father's Grave to Build A
Sewer
Spoken:
To shit-house artists when they die,
We'll build it wide and build it high,
In tribute to their brain and wit,
A monument of solid shit.
Sung:
They're moving father's grave to build a sewer,
They're moving it regardless of expense,
They're moving his remains to lay down
shithouse drains,
To satisfy some nearby residents.
Now, what's the use of having a religion,
For when you die your troubles never cease.
When some high-society twit needs a
pipeline for his shit,
They won't let poor old father rest in peace.
My father in his life was never a quitter,
I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now.
He'll put on a white sheet and haunt the
shithouse seat,
And he'll only let them shit when he'll allow.
Oh, won't there be some pains of constipation!
And won't those shithouse bastards rant and
rave!
But they'll get what they deserve,
For they had the bloody nerve,
To bugger up a British workman's grave.
97
Tool of My Father
(To: Faith of Our Fathers)
Tool of my Fa-ther, liv-ing still,
Tiny and use-less, be-quethed to me.
Oh how my heart breaks each time that I peal,
Back shrivelled fore-skin, each time I pee.
Tool of my Fa-ther, use-less dick,
No woman wants this di-min-u-tive prick.
Halloween
98
Monster Hash
(To: Monster Mash)
I was running with the HASH on Halloween
night,
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Poofters and Back Sliders began to arrive,
And suddenly, to my surprise.
Chorus
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They did the Monster hash.
Pack: The Monster hash.
Songmaster: It was a graveyard hash.
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They caught on in a flash.
Pack: They did the hash.
Songmaster: They did the Monster hash.
From knee deep shiggy in the swamp that's east,
To wading through the creek where the
leaches feast,
The poofters all came when they heard the news,
They could get some mud on their running shoes,
(to chorus)
The trail was dark the hares were not to be found,
Igor unchained was running with the hounds,
The local cops were about to arrive,
With orders to take Hashers DEAD or ALIVE.
(to chorus)
The Hashers were having fun
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
The party had just begun
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
The guests included WolfMan
(In-a-shoop-wha-ooo)
Dracula and his son
(Drum fill)
Out from his pickup the Tyrant's voice did
ring. (shoop-wha-ooo)
It seems he was worried 'bout just one thing.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Opened the door and shook his fist, and said.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
"Whatever hoppened to those running club wimps?"
(to chorus)
Now everything's cool, we found all of the pack,
And the Monster hash, it will be coming back,
For you, the sober, this hash was meant, too,
When you get to the box, tell them Boris sent
you.
Pack: And you can hash,
Songmaster: And you can Monster hash,
Pack: The monster hash,
Songmaster: And do the graveyard hash,
Pack: And you can hash,
Songmaster: You'll catch on in a flash,
Pack: Then you can hash,
Songmaster: Then you can Monster hash.
(repeat and fade chorus following dialog
talkover)
Igor: MMMM...hash goooood! hash goood!
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Boris: Down Igor, you impetuous young boy.
(shoop-wha-ooo)
Igor: hash goooood. (shoop-wha-ooo, shoop-
wha-ooo)
Independence Day
(U.S.)
99
Another Hasher Anthem
(To: Yankee Doodle Dandy)
I'm a dirty smelly hasher.
Chasing hares is what I do.
I check down trails in the afternoon,
Drink by the light of the moon.
I love mud and blood and brambles,
Toxic waste and smelly goo.
(tempo change)
Dirty shoes and bloody knees,
And a real bad case of scabbies,
I am a hasher how 'bout you.
I'm a drunken beer soaked hasher.
Draining kegs is what I do.
For breakfast I must have some oatmeal stout,
For lunch it's a Guiness or two.
For dinner, I must do some thinking,
Sam's or Pete's or maybe microbrew.
(tempo change)
But when I'm hashing give me Shafer's,
Give me Busch or Miller,
'Cause I am a drunken hasher.
Are you a drunken hasher?
I am a drunken hasher too.
I'm a horny sex staved hasher.
Chasing tail is what I do.
I came to _______ just to get a lay,
Ended up screwing ___________,
I love kinky sex and spankings,
Naval shots and butt chugs too.
(tempo change)
Give me dildos, give me butt plugs,
Give me whips and bondage,
'Cause I am a horny hasher.
Are you a horny hasher?
I am a horny hasher too.
100
Yank My Doodle
(To: Yankee
Doodle Dandy)
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Make that wiener shoot some fireworks,
Just like the Fourth of July.
I've got a Yankee doodle boner,
I've had it since you rubbed my thigh,
So yank my doodle if you please.
That bulge is not a pony,
Just stick your fingers up my ass,
And stroke my macaroni.
Yank my doodle it's so big,
Clearly it's a dandy,
Stick that sucker in your mouth,
You'll swear it tastes like candy.
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Lick that lizard 'till it's standing tall,
Right through my pu-u-bic hair.
If you like Yankee doodle peckers,
I've got one that I can spare.
So yank my doodle 'till it cums,
Just point it toward your titties,
They say that stuff is beauty cream,
Let's make your titties pretty.
Yank my doodle it's so big,
Baby it's a dandy,
Jerk that Turk and make it squirt,
And keep a Kleenex handy.
Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'til I die.
101
Yankee Doodle Dandy
(To: Yankee Doodle Dandy)
Yankee doodle he's a dandy,
He's a hasher till he dies,
A real live asshole from the USA,
Pissed on my most other girls.
Yank his doodle, it's a dandy,
Yank his doodle, zip his fly,
Yankee doodle ran the trail,
Wanking off his doodle,
You're that yanking doodle guy.
(If used as a down down song:)
Drinking down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down.
(Continue until down down is finished,
or go into "Why are you waiting".)
102
Yankee Hasher
(To: Yankee Doodle)
Yankee Hasher went to hash,
The SCB'ing wanker,
And there he saw a naked lass,
Instead of fuck he spanked her.
Chorus
Yankee Hasher keep it up,
Yankee Hasher Wank-er.
Yankee Hasher keep it up,
Then tip your hat and thank her.
Yankee Hasher saw a tyke,
A playing with his toy.
He took away his little bike,
Then buggered up the boy.
Yankee Hasher went to hash,
For he was fucking horney.
He stuck his dick up in a bush,
But found out it was thorn-y.
He found the On-In and the beer,
But quick the pack was parting.
The circle fire was much to near,
The Yankee Hasher's farting.
Yankee Hasher's lonely now,
He wanders down through the shiggy.
He searches for a sheep or cow,
He'll even fuck Miss Piggy.
Martin Luther King
Day
103
We Shall Over Cum
(To: We Shall Overcome)
(The Presidential salute to MLK day.)
We shall over cum,
We shall over cum,
We shall over cum your dress,
While on bend-ed knee,
You're pleasing me,
We shall over cum your dress.
Mother's Day
104
Mother
(To: Mother)
(Words in parentheses are echoed by pack)
Mother
M is for the many things she gave me
O is only that she's growing old
(She's growing old)
T is for the tears she shed to save me
(save me)
H is for her heart as pure as gold
(as pure of gold)
E is for her eyes with lovelight shining
(Shining)
R is right and she'll always be
(she'll always be)
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER.
The one that means the world to me,
I don't mean maybe,
The one who means the world to me,
(the world to me)
Hasher interrupts:
"Wait a minute, you've got that all wrong!"
Mother
M is for the many times you made me.
O is for the other times you tried.
(you really tried)
T is for those tortuous long lost weekends.
(damn weekends)
H is for the hell that's in your eye's.
(those bloodshot eyes)
E is for the everlasting passion.
(you horny bitch)
R is for the ruin you made of me.
(a fairy)
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER,
And that is what I think I'm going to be.
I don't mean maybe,
And that is what I think I'm going to be.
(I'm going to be.)
New Year's Day
105
Auld Lang Syne
(To: Auld Lang Syne)
Should auld beer drinkers
be forgot,
And never brot' to mind?
Should auld acquaintance
be forgot,
And days of Auld Lang Syne.
Chorus
For Auld hasher friends, we cheer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
Drink down your beers for all the years,
A down down for all time.
We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer,
For Auld Lang Syne.
Optional Finale
Drink! Down down down down, down down
down.
Drink! Down down down down down.
Drink! Down down down down, down down
down.
Drink! Down down down down down.
(continue finale until last mug is empty) St. Paddy's Day
106
When Irish Guys Start Smiling
(To: When Irish Eyes are Smiling)
When Irish guys start smiling,
You could be in trouble big.
Irish eyes don't hide a child inside,
They hide an inner pig.
If he's laughing and he's leering,
Get your Rosary out and pray,
'Cause when Irish guys are horny,
Sure they'll peel your pants away.
Thanksgiving
107
Next Thanksgiving
(To: Fraire Jacques)
Next Thanksgiving, next Thanksgiving,
Don't eat bread, don't eat bread,
Shove it up the turkey, shove it up the turkey,
Eat the bird, eat the bird.
Next Christmas, next Christmas,
Don't trim a tree, don't trim a tree,
Shove it up the chimney, shove it up the chimney,
Goose Saint Nick, goose Saint Nick.
Next Easter, next Easter,
Don't color eggs, don't color eggs,
Shove them up the rabbit, shove them up the
rabbit,
Eat the hare, eat the hare. Valentine's Day
108
Huronia Valentine Hash Song
This song was presented at a St. Valentine's
Day hash put on by Huronia HHH.
Song:
" If I were the marrying kind
And thank the lord I'm not, sir.
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a Hash House Harrier. "
(perhaps not, after reading on...)
The hare gave caring advice
In the pre-run announcements he said:
"Of the blue stuff, use not for food, snuff or
pot
Or thou may endeth up dead."
The hare had spread diamonds galore
And they glittered all over the snow.
The trumpets did play many times in the day
As the Harriers sought whence to go.
Fifth Estate's conservative wardrobe
Again set her off from the bunch.
She didst state with dread: "I shall not wear
red
At Valentine's, Christmas, or lunch!"
With Messiah's amazing new lightness
He didst walk on water with zing.
For his tracks saweth we crisscross the ice merrily.
Please show us how in the spring.
Old Grey Mare did shareth his nuts
And Whinger didst counter with this:
"Tis food for a mouse, we need a Clubhouse
To attain real Harrier bliss!"
To undo his late arrival,
To prove his skill as a knight,
Zeke choseth a branch to use as a lance
Against deadly chickadees in flight.
\
Sinker keepeth an eye out for Storm.
Whinger changeth his name to Wallflower.
Next time you've the chance, pray ask him to
dance
To keepeth his spirit un-sour.
A swimsuit edition from the future
Caused many male hearts to beat hard.
Be it not quaint? They now want to paint
And not on canvas by the yard.
Herbicide's new down-down device
Didst cause dreadful waste of good beer
For Doo Run, Whinger, Sinker, Whitey,
Rodman and Commander.
'Twas male mathematics, we fear.
Commander's double-breasted red dress
Caused Harriers to break out in song.
Will newcomers Kathleen, Frank and Cathy
McD
Ever again cometh along?
Doo Run, our illustrious Poobah,
Displayeth his prize by the fire -
The Harrier flag so bright of red, green and
white,
Sewn up for us by Liar, Liar.
Cockeye and Sue-City-Sue
(A legal firm?) Really did cater.
At the Harrier feast we ate chocolate and beast
And even had chips of the 'tater.
Songs Your Mother
Never Taught You
109
A Few of My Favorite Hash Things
(To: My Favorite Things)
Short cuts that leave all the front bastards
trailing,
Misleading directions leaving short cutters wailing,
Slippery slopes where hounds flounder in shit,
These are some things that appeal to my wit.
Chorus
And my cock is sore,
I cheer myself up with my favorite things,
And revive the old cock once more.
Quims soft and puckered and minge short
and curly,
Tight little cunts fringed with spunk white
and pearly,
Red painted nipples, an ice cube blow job,
These are the things that will make my cock
throb.
Limbs brown and supple, with buttocks gyrating,
Positions amazing, damp cunt lips pulsating,
Cheerful young bodies all eager to screw,
Of my favorite things these are only a few.
The rugby mob buggers all bloated with beer,
The sight of them's foul, it's no wonder,
they're queer,
The dear old mismanagement, oh, what a farce,
These are some of the things you can stick up
your arse.
A run that was set by those mad hares the Dutch,
A ride in old trucks that you all loved so
much,
Some piss that was different with a beer glass
thrown in,
Surely a fucking good hash, no hash sin.
110 A Few of My Favorite Things
(To: My Favorite Things)
(Harriers)
Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,
Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole
thing,
It works just fine and it's also quite safe,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dawn breaks,
When I wake up,
And it's feeling hard,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Penthouse and Playboy and something called
Forum,
They're what I use to help start something going,
Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm lonely,
Really lonely,
By myself again,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
(Harriettes)
Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,
That's what I use to set fires in my belly,
In and out up and down making me wet,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Men are useless,
I don't need them,
I'm the best I've had,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,
Make me excited I'm starting to cook,
I stir me up and the honey will come,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm thinking,
Of a hard cock,
But I don't see one,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
111
A Virgin
(To: Swanee River)
High a-a-bove the virgin's gar-ter
High above her knee,
Lies the se-e-cret of her honor,
Her vir-r-gin-i-ty.
Roll, her o-ver, ohhh so slow-ly,
Soft-ly in the grass.
That i-is what we live and die for,
A piece of vir-gin ass.
112
A, You've Got Asshole Stains
(To: You're Adorable)
"A," you've got asshole stains,
"B," you've got balls for brains,
"C," you've hardly got a cock at all,
"D," like a dorker's tool,
"E," your ass exudes stool,
"F," your farts smell like fucking shit,
"G," you've got gonorrhea,
"H," hemorrhoids to your knees,
"I," eyes that run and bleed and itch,
"J," you can jack your jizz,
"K," you can kiss my phizz,
"L," fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch,
"M-N-O-P," menstrual blood on your prick,
"Q-R-S-T," alphabetically speaking,
You're S-H-I-T,
"U," make my pussy itch,
"V"-D down to your feet,
"W-X-Y-Z,"
I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Hash what you mean to me.
113
Aahlawetta
(To: Alouette)
The songmaster points to various parts of a
"volunteer" harriettes anatomy during song.
Chorus
Aahlawetta, gentil Aahlawetta,
Aahlawetta, je te plumerai.
1
Songmaster: How I love her curly hair.
Pack: How I (you) love her curly hair.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Oh-oh-oh-ohhh. (to Chorus)
2
Songmaster: How I love her bushy brows.
Pack: How I (you) love her bushy brows.
Songmaster: Bushy brows.
Pack: Bushy brows.
Songmaster: Curly hair.
Pack: Curly hair.
Songmaster: Alouett.
Pack: Alouett.
Together: Ohohohohhh.
3
Songmaster: How I love her criss-cross eyes...etc.
And so it goes adding one more part with
each verse to the anatomy
list to test the sobriety and memory of the
songmaster. Tradition would
have the songmaster do a down down for
missing a part during the listing
or otherwise screwing up the song.
(Continued...)
Harriette List from Top (alternate lines in
parentheses):
1 Curly hair (rat's nest hair)
2 Bushy brows (furrowed brow)
3 Criss-cross eyes (bloodshot eyes)
4 Crooked nose (broken nose)
5 Lubra lips (sucking lips)
6 Two buck teeth (cum-stained teeth)
7 Double chin (drooling chin)
8 Saggy tits (swinging tits)
9 Big pot belly (pregnant belly/big beer
belly)
10 Moofy crotch (furry thing)
11 Knobbly knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)
Harrier List from Top (alternate lines in
parentheses):
1 Thinning hair (balding head)
2 Neaderthal brow (wrinkled brow)
3 Blood-shot eyes (one glass eye)
4 Broken nose (hairy nose)
5 Smelly breath (pukey breath)
6 Rotten teeth (toothy gap)
6 Double chin (Dumbo ears)
7 Hairy chest (skinny chest)
8 Big beer belly (Big pot belly)
9 Tiny dick (micro-penis)
10 Drooping sac (tiny balls)
11 Creaky knees (skinny legs)
12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet)
114
Alcoholic's Anthem
(To: Men of Harlech)
What's the use of drinking tea,
Indulging in sobriety,
And teetotal perversity?
It's healthier to booze.
What's the use of milk and water?
These are drinks that never oughter,
Be allowed in any quarter.
Come on, lose your blues,
Mix yourself a shandy,
Drown yourself in brandy,
Sherry sweet,
Or whisky neat,
Or any kind of liquor that is handy.
There's no blinking sense in drinking,
Anything that doesn't make you stinking,
There's no happiness like sinking,
Blotto to the floor.
Put an end to all frustration,
Drinking may be your salvation,
End it all in dissipation,
Rotten to the core.
Aberrations metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyperbolic,
There are for the alcoholic,
Lying on the floor.
Vodka for the arty,
Gin to make you hearty,
Lemonade was only made,
For drinking if your mother's at the party,
Steer clear of home-made beer,
And anything that isn't labeled clear,
There is nothing else to fear,
Bottom's up, my boys.
115
All My Jism
(To: All My Lovin')
Harriers:
Close your eyes, spread your legs,
Let me fertilize your eggs,
Remember, I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll beat off every day,
And send all my jism to you.
Harriettes:
He'll pretend to be kissing,
The lips used for pissing,
While fondling his balls so blue.
And then while I'm not home,
He'll be stroking his bone,
And sending his jism to me.
Harriers:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, all my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
Harriettes:
I will sing this bright chorus,
While I rub my clitoris,
With my dildo so tried and true.
And then while you're away,
I will vibrate away,
And send all my jism to you.
Harriers:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, all my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
116
All Things Dull and Ugly
(To: All Things Bright and Beautiful)
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul, and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
117
Almost Persuaded
(To: Almost Persuaded)
Last night all alone in a bar room,
Met a girl with a tit in one hand.
She had really tight shorts, hal-ter top,
And an ass that would tempt any man.
The she came and sat down on my face,
And as she placed her hand on my dick,
I found myself wanting to fuck her,
For temptation was making me sick.
I was al-most persuaded,
To leave the hash in the cold air.
Al-most persuaded,
To leave the pack with no hare.
Then we danced and she whispered, "I need
you."
"Take me now, right here," she did wail.
But I told her that though I did want to.
I'd promised that I'd lay the trail.
I was al-most persuaded,
'Til a hasher hollered, "Beer!" at the door.
Al-most persuaded,
But my thirst couldn't stand it no more.
118
Aloha HHH Anthem
(To: Beethoven's 9th Symphony)
To the Choral Stanza, Beethoven's 9th.
Come Aloha Hash House Harriers,
Get your asses in high gear,
Whiners, walkers, F-R-B-ers,
Gather 'round these mugs of beer.
Let the hashing spirit enter,
Ev'ry wanker here around,
Down-downs right and left and center
As we hashers chug 'em down.
119
Alphabet Song
"A" is for asshole, all covered in shit
Chorus
"Heigh-ho," says Rowley.
"B" is for the bugger who revels in it,
Chorus
Singing rolly, poley, up'em and stuff'em,
"Heigh-ho," says Anthony Rowley.
"C" is for cunt all dripping with piss,
(to Chorus 1)
"D" is for the drunkard who gave it a kiss,
(to Chorus 2)
"E" is for the eunuch with only one ball, etc.
"F" is for the fucker with no balls at all, etc.
"G" is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout, etc.
"H" is the harlot who spreads it about, etc.
"I" is for insertion, injection and itch, etc.
"J" is the jerk of a dog on a bitch, etc.
"K" is for knight who thought fucking a bore,
etc.
"L" is the lesbian who came back for more,
etc.
"M" is for maidenhead all tattered and torn,
etc.
"N" is the noble who died on his horn, etc.
"O" is for orifice all cunningly concealed, etc.
"P" is the penis all pranged up and peeled, etc.
"Q" is the Quaker who shat in his hat. etc.
"R" is the Rajah who rogered the cat, etc.
"S" is the shit-pot all filled to the brim, etc.
"T" is the turds which are floating within, etc.
"U" is the usher who taught us at school, etc.
"V" is the virgin who played with his tool, etc.
"W" is the whore who thought fucking a
farce, etc.
And "X", "Y", and "Z" you can shove up
your arse, etc.
120
Amazing Hash
(To: Amazing Grace)
Amazing Hash,
How sweet the trail,
That saved a DFL like me.
I once was lost,
But now I'm found,
The On-On I now see!
Just two more blocks,
And I'll be in,
The beer is waiting for me.
And when I'm there,
I'll drink my share,
'Til they get rid of me!
121
Are You Lonesome
Tonight?
(To: Are You Lonesome
Tonight)
Are you lonesome tonight,
Is the hash out of sight,
Are you sorry you strayed from the trail?
Does your throat get real dry,
Underneath the hot sky,
When you think of the beer to you wail?
Do the sores on your feet seem to blister and
pus?
Do you gaze down the road and you wish for
a bus?
Are your legs filled with pain,
Will you shortcut again,
Tell me fool are you lonesome tonight?
122
Arkansas Hillbillies
By Centurian)
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named
Bill,
A slippery politician, from yonder Ozark hills.
Then one day he ran for President,
When out of a crowd came some questions
from the Press.
Marijauna, that is. Land deals, Draft dodgin'.
Well, then next thing ya' know Slick Willie's
in D.C.,
Runnin' the show, and a-bombin' enemies.
Then in through the door comes an aide
named Monica,
And says, our good Prez, "Girl, I got a job
for yah."
Blow job, that is. Fellatio. Oral Sex.
Gifts, and job offers from the Government,
Was this girl's reward for a fine example set.
She's young, and eager, and she learnt real fast,
It's not what you know, but how you shake
yer ass.
Tits help, too. Personality. Charm.
Then comes another lawyer named Ken Starr,
Askin' ol' Monica 'bout positions, and how far?
Hillary says it's a plot by the Right Wing Press,
Then out of the closet comes that damn blue
dress.
Stained, it is. DNA. Evidence.
Well, the next thing yah know Billie's balls
are in the vice.
How's such a mess happen to a man so nice?
Newt now says that it's just a minor sin.
Happen's all the time to those Dem's in Washingtin.
Sex Scandals. Lots of dirt. Democrats. 123
Arse Holes For Sale
Arseholes are cheap tonight,
Cheaper than other nights,
Standing or bending down,
Big ones for half a crown.
Small ones are three and six,
Big ones for bigger pricks,
Arseholes are cheap tonight,
Cheaper than other nights.
124
As I was walking
(To: Old One Hundredth)
As I was walking through the wood,
I shat myself, I knew I would.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so I shat myself again.
As I was walking down the street,
A whore grabbed me by the meat.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so she grabbed my meat again.
As I was walking through Saint Pauls,
The vicar grabbed me by the balls.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he grabbed my balls again.
As I was walking through St. Giles,
Some bastard grabbed me by my piles.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he grabbed my piles again.
As I lay sleeping in the grass,
Some bastard rammed it up my ass.
I cried for "Help!", but no help came,
And so he rammed it up again.
125
Austin Hash Song
(To: Redneck Mother)
(Start with lots of "Ba doom, ba doom, ba
doom, boom, boom boom")
I brought a newboot out to meet the gang;
He said he needed a crowd for which to hang.
He ran like a rabbit out on the false trails,
By the time we got to the beer he was
dragging his tail.
Chorus
Well,
H is for the hair that just laid the trail
A is for the soil we hash on (yell) AUSTIN!
S that's for shiner
H is for us hounds
E is for everyone wearing
R ubbers
Well it's cross the creek and up the other side,
Thru some Poison Oak, Bull Nettle by my side.
Well it's off the road and off into some deep
dark woods,
Running up and down hills just to get them
goods.
Well you just might see a Llama along the way,
Or ford a dangerous river who's to say.
But for all us who knows, to bring some dry
clothes,
Take a short cut thru the creek to where the
beer flows.
126 The Bagpipe Song
(To: Scotland the Brave)
Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(pack does two lines sounding like a
bagpipe)
Then there was the jockey with his
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(do two lines sounding like a bagpipe)
Then there was the Yankee who was
wanking in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Harlot making money in
the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Then there was the Wenchy doing down-
down on a benchy,
Making money for the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
Now the moral of this ditty is that when in
______ City,
And you're with your favorite girlie,
Chasing hairs all short and curly,
Just remember to take her hashing and to
give her a good bashing,
And keep her away from the Wenchy doing
down-down on a benchy,
Making money for the HASHER who was
posing as a flasher,
Hustling customers from the Harlot making
money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leering
through his beery,
At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking
in his hanky,
At the thought of the jockey with the
upstanding cocky,
Who was riding on the lassie with the black
hairy assey,
Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______ Hash.
(bagpipe)
127
The Balad of the Monika Lewinski
By Chemically Erect)
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
Monica Lewinki is feeling sick of late
Because, as most of you here know, of
something that she ate.
The source of her digestive woes is what I'll
now relate...
The details of her famous Presidential
luncheon date.
Monica, she had a thing for chowing down
on peters,
Especially ones that were attached to famous
world leaders.
She really preferred hashers to shower her
with goo,
But if a hasher ain't around, a President will
do.
Inside the Oval Office, Bill's pup tent made
her moan.
She couldn't wait to get a hold of Mr.
Clinton's bone.
She dropped to her knees on the Presidential
Seal
And proceeded to unwrap her McClinton
Happy Meal.
(the Executive Branch ... White House tube
steak ... rising to the challenge
of the Office)
She gobbled and she slurped and she
slobbered like a dog.
She nearly stripped the bark off Slick Willie's
Lincoln Log.
Bill couldn't hold back any more. He
launched his mighty SCUD.
He saw the intern's bulging cheeks. He hadn't
fired a dud.
Even though she tried, she couldn't swallow
all of it,
And what she couldn't flew her way and
scored a direct hit.
It covered her from head to toe. Her hair was
just a mess,
Not to mention what it did to her favorite
party dress.
Just like Billy's wiener, the story also leaked,
And it spread all around the world in just a
few short weeks.
The couple's reputations have now been
soundly trashed.
They wouldn't be in this fix now if they'd just
gone and hashed.
Problems aren't from what you do; it's the
company you keep.
Hashers live by their own rules, unlike the
other sheep.
"is it sex, or is it not?" There's no sense
splitting hairs.
'Cause here you do just what you want and
no one really cares. 128
Balham Vicar
There once was a Balham vicar,
Who said to his curate,
I'll bet I've fucked more women than you,
And the curate said, you're on.
And the curate said, you're on.
We'll stand outside the church this day,
And this will be our sign:
You ding-a-ding for the women you've fucked,
And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine.
And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine.
Well there were more ding-a-dings and dong-
a-dongs,
Till a pretty young bird came by,
And curate went ding-ding.
Oh, said the vicar, don't ding-a-ding there,
That's my wife I do declare,
Hell said the curate, I don't care.
Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, dong.
129
Balibago Mount Arayat High
(To: Rocky Mountain High)
Used as the Angeles HHH Anthem in the
Philippines.
She was born in a grass hut,
In a field in Cebu.
Destined to a life of poverty.
But at the age of thirteen,
She had a change of heart,
And moved to downtown Angeles.
Chorus
Where the Balibago Mount Arayat High,
I've seen it raining pesos in the sky.
Sit around Fields Avenue and screw the TDY.
Mt Arayat High, Balibago,
Mt Arayat High, Balibago.
She hopped in a jeepney,
With a stump-broke carabao,
To a place she'd heard about before,
She's learned to pick up pesos,
From a bottle of San Miguel,
Working overtime giving blowjobs in Astro
Park.
She heard the pay was better,
Down in Subic Bay.
Especially when the fleet was in.
So, she hopped a victory liner,
All the way to Olongapo
Where she learned to do the banana-cutter show.
She's learned to do the circuit,
From Kim Hae to Taegu
Keeping Team Spirit troops alive.
She's a great tent heater,
And she blows without kimche breath,
All the boys along the DMZ.
She married a lieutenant,
And got a visa to the States.
The hope and dream of all the bar girls here.
But after a winter in Minot,
She froze her little twat,
And caught the freedom bird back to Angeles.
130
Ball of Kirriemuir
Oh the Ball, the Ball of Kirriemuir,
Where your wife and my wife,
Were a-doing on the floor.
Chorus
Singing, balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall.
If you've never been fucked on Saturday night,
You'll never get fucked at all."
Four and twenty virgins,
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over,
There were four and twenty less,
Four and twenty prostitutes,
Came up from Glockamore,
And only one went home that night,
And she was double-bore.
The village plumber he was there,
He felt an awful fool.
He'd come eleven leagues or more,
And forgot to bring his tool.
Sandy McPherson he came along,
It was a bloody shame.
He fucked a lassie forty times,
And wouldna take her haim.
Mrs. O'Malley she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
A-jumping off the mantelpiece,
And landing on her tits.
The minister's wife was at the ball,
A-sitting in the front,
A wreath of flowers 'round her ass,
A carrot up her cunt.
Father O'Flannigan he was there,
And in the corner he sat,
Amusing himself BY abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.
The Parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass,
And thistle up her cunt.
Bayard Stockton he was there,
Drunk beyond a doubt.
He tried to stuff the parson's wife,
But couldna get the root.
The Vicar's wife she was there,
A-sitting by the fire,
Knitting rubber Johnnies,
Out of India rubber tire.
The Vicar's wife she drank beer,
Back up against the wall,
"Put your money on the table boys,
I'm fit to do ye all."
The Vicar and his lovely wife,
Were having lots of fun,
The Parson had his finger,
Up another lady's bum.
The Queen was in the parlor,
Eating bread and honey,
The King was in the chambermaid,
And she was in the money.
First lady forward,
Second lady back,
Third lady's finger,
Up the fourth lady's crack.
The bride was in the kitchen,
Explaining to the groom.
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.
The groom was in the parlor,
Explaining to his bride.
The penis not the scrotum,
Is the part that goes inside.
Mick McMudock when he got there,
His prick was long and high,
But when he fucked her forty times,
He was fucking mighty dry.
McTavish, oh yes, he was there,
His prick was long and broad,
And when he fucked the furrier's wife,
She had to be rebored.
Jock McVenning he was there,
A looking for a fuck,
But every bitch was occupied,
And he was out of luck.
McCardew-Roberts he was there,
His dick was all alert,
But when half the night was done,
'Twas dangling in the dirt.
Lindsay Bedogni he was there,
And he was in despair.
He couldna get his dick,
Through the tangles in his hair.
Dino had a even stroke,
His skill was much admired,
He gratified one cunt at a time,
Until his skill expired.
One village idiot he was there,
Sitting on a pole.
He pulled his foreskin o'er his head,
And whistled through the hole.
The horny idiot he was there,
A-leaning on the gate.
He couldna find a cunt,
So he had to flatulate.
Another idiot he was there,
He wasn't such a fool,
He pulled his foreskin over his head,
And whistled thru his tool.
The village magician he was there,
Doing his favorite trick,
Pulling his foreskin over his head,
And vanishing up his prick.
The village cripple he was there,
He wasn't up too much,
He lined them up against the wall
And shagged them with his crutch.
The village smithy he was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score,
With a red-hot piece of wire.
The blacksmith's brother he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall,
And fucked them three by three.
Now farmer Giles he was there,
His sickle in his hand,
And when he swung the blade around,
He circumcized the band.
Giles he played a dirty trick,
We cannot let it pass,
He showed his lass his mighty prick,
Then shoved it up her ass.
Farmer Brown he was there,
A' jumping on his hat,
For half an acre of his corn
Was fairly fucking flat.
Officer O'Malley he was there,
The pride of all the force.
They found him in the stable,
Wanking off his horse.
The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed his wind,
The room was filled with soot,
The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes,
And blunted all the pricks. Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys,
To make their voices higher.
Little Tommy he was there,
He was only eight,
He was too small for the women,
So he had to masturbate.
The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances,
He was sterilizing pricks.
The doctor's daughter she was there,
She went to gather sticks.
She couldna find a blade of grass,
For cunts and standing dicks.
The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldna fuck the lassies,
So he fucked the letter box.
The village butcher he was there,
His cleaver in his hand
And every time he turned around,
He circumcised the band.
The village economist, he was there,
His penis in his hand,
Waiting for the time to come,
When supply would meet demand.
The tax collector he was there,
Collecting all his tax,
The woman who couldna pay,
Were paying on their backs.
The village lawyer he was there,
Collecting all his fees,
The men who couldna pay,
Were paying on their knees.
The village baker she was there,
All covered up in dough,
Men were kneading her up and down,
And slippin' it in her ho'.
The village witch she was there,
In an upstairs' room,
The men were ignoring her,
So she was riding on her broom.
The local herder he was there,
And he began to weep,
All these willing ladies,
And not a single sheep.
The village decorator he was there,
Interiors he likes to design,
Men were leery of him,
For he'd fuck them from behind.
The village nurse she was there,
Checking all the cocks,
She said of all these blisters,
It isn't chicken pox.
The local harlot she was there,
A lay'in on the floor,
And every time she spread her legs,
The vacuum shut the door.
The village leper he was there,
Sitting on a log.
Pealing off his foreskin,
And feeding it to the dog.
The village doctor he was there,
Examining all the men.
Having them turn their heads,
and grabbing all he can.
The village prince he was there,
With his sword in hand.
Every time he turned around
He circumcised the band.
The groom was all excited,
And racing 'round the halls,
A-stumblin' on his pecker,
And tripping o'er his balls. The elders of the church,
Who were far to old to firk,
All sat around the table,
Were they had a circle jerk.
There was fucking in the haystacks,
Fucking in the ricks,
You couldna hear the music,
for the swishing of the pricks.
A couple of Hashmen they were there,
A' looking for a fuck
But all the cunts were occupied,
And they were out of luck.
They were fucking in the parlor,
They were fucking in the grass,
And all that you could see were waves,
Of undulating ass.
There was fucking on the couches,
There was fucking in the cots,
And lying up against the wall,
Were rows of grinning cunts.
There was fucking in the hallways,
There was fucking in the ricks.
Your couldna hear the music,
For the swishing of the pricks.
There was fucking in the kitchen,
And fucking in the halls.
The most predominate sound,
Was the clanging of the balls.
They were fucking in the ante-room,
And fucking on the stairs.
You couldna see the carpet,
For the cunts and curly hairs.
There was fucking in the cornfield,
Fucking in the oats,
Most were doing lassies,
But ______ was doing the goats.
Jockie Stewart did his fucking,
Right upon the moor.
It was, he thought, much better,
Than fucking on the floor.
There was fucking on the highways,
And fucking on the lanes,
You couldna hear the music,
For the rattling of the panes.
And when the ball was over,
Everyone confessed,
They all enjoyed the dancing,
But the fucking was the best.
And so the ball was over,
They all went home to rest,
And the music has been exquisite,
But the fucking was the best.
131
Ball of Yarn
Chorus
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.
It was in the month of June,
When the flowers are in bloom,
I found her sitting out behind the barn;
As she shoveled up the gobs,
So I gently pinched her knobs,
And asked to spin her little ball of yarn.
She undressed before my sight,
We went at it all that night,
Her little body shaking stem to stern;
And the blackbird and the robin,
Saw her little butt a'bobbin,
As I spun her little ball of yarn.
It was two months after that,
In the office where I sat,
Never dreaming she had done me any harm;
And a doctor dressed in white, said,
"Man, your pecker is a sight,
It's been tangled in a little ball of yarn."
It was nine months to the day,
In the bathtub where I lay,
I felt a heavy hand on my arm;
And a policeman with a hose,
Said, "Get up and get your clothes!"
"You're the father of a little ball of yarn!"
In my prison cell I sit,
In my bathrobe in my shame,
The shadow of my finger on the wall;
And the ladies as they pass,
Stick their hatpins up my ass!
And little mice play hopscotch,
With my little ball of yarn.
132
The Ballad Of The Bobbit Hillbillies
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
(Words in parentheses spoken not sung.)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man
named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of
a knife.
Penis that is, clean cut, missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a
Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she went
around a bend.
Curve that is, pricker shrubs, wheel hubs.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his
weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they
pointed "over there",
To John Wayne's Henry that was waiving in
the air.
Found that is, by a fence, evidence.
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong!",
"A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited till they heard
that Johnny peed.
Whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream.
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took
his case to court,
With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came
up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him
of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't
show on tape.
Video that is, unexposed, case closed.
Ya all "cum" back now, hear?
133
The Ballad of OJ Simpson
(To: The Ballad of Lizzie Borden)
Yesterday out in Los Angeles,
Nicole and Ronald died.
And they busted OJ Simpson
On a charge of homicide.
Well, he might not have done it,
But the media thinks he did,
And Michael Jackson's volunteered
To take care of the kids!
'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
Contrary to all popular belief.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief.
Well, he might have used a razor,
'Cause the airline lost his gun,
But he didn't use a hatchet,
'Cause that's already been done!
Now poor OJ's in the jailhouse,
And they're looking for the knife.
For just ten million dollars,
He might get off with life!
'Cause you can't cut up your exes in California,
And then blame all the damage on the heat.
No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
With evidence upon the Bronco seat!
You can sell a ton of crack
And the cops will turn their back.
You can rape and burn and loot;
They don't want another suit.
You can peddle phony stock
Like they do in Little Rock,
But you can't turn your ex into a Pez Dispenser.
California is a far cry from DC!
No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
And then go out and drive around the town!
No, you can't cut up your exes in California,
It's almost sure to make the jury frown!
134
Balls of O'Leary
The balls of O'Leary,
Are wrinkled and hairy,
They're stately and shapely,
Like the dome of Saint Paul's.
The women all muster,
To view that great cluster,
Oh, they stand and they stare,
At the bloody great pair,
Of O'Leary's balls.
135
The Banana Song
(To: Yes, We Have No Bananas)
Yes, we have no ba-nan-as,
We have no ba-nan-as to-day.
We've limp ones and thick ones and
ravages and sick ones,
And all kinds of dicks and say!
We have an old, fash-ioned cu-cum-ber,
To please you till you slum-ber.
But, yes we have no ba-nan-as,
We have no ba-nan-as today.
136
Barcelona
(To: Manana)
Chorus
Manana, manana,
Is my banana good enough for you?
Way down in Barcelona,
Where ladies learn to knit,
A lady stuck a knitting needle,
In another lady's tit.
Said the lady to the lady,
"We're here to learn to knit,
Not to stick a knitting needle,
In another lady's tit."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where drummers play the drum,
A drummer stuck a drumstick up,
Another drummer's bum.
Said the drummer to the drummer,
"We're here to play the drum,
Not stick a drumstick up,
Another drummer's bum."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where lepers decompose,
A leper picked a snotty from,
Another leper's nose.
Said the leper to the leper,
"We're here to decompose,
Not to pick a snotty from,
Another leper's nose."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where ladies learn to swim,
A lady put her finger up,
Another lady's quim.
Said the lady to the lady,
"We're here to learn to swim,
Not to put our fingers up,
Another lady's quim."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where beggars beg for food,
A beggar chucked a lunger,
In another beggar's gruel.
Said the beggar to the beggar,
"We're here to beg for food,
Not to chuck a lunger in,
Another beggar's gruel."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where wankers yank their crank,
A wanker took a yank of,
Another wanker's crank.
Said the wanker to the wanker,
"We're here to yank our crank,
Not to yank a crank of,
Another wanker's crank."
Way down in Barcelona,
Where the miners shovel coal,
A miner shoved a shovel up,
Another miners hole,
Said the miner to the miner,
We're here to shovel coal,
And not to shove a shovel up,
Another miners hole.
Way down in New York City,
Where the cabbies drive so fast.
A cabby rammed his cab up,
Another cabbies ass,
Said the cabby to the cabby,
(Wind down window),
FERK YOU - BUDDY!
137
Barnacle Bill
(To: Barnicle Bill the Sailor)
Harriettes:
"Who's that knocking at my door?"
"Who's that knocking at my door?"
"Who's that knocking at my door?"
Said the fair young maiden.
Harriers:
"It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.
"It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.
Harriettes:
"Why are you knocking at my door?",
"Why are you knocking at my door?",
"Why are you knocking at my door?",
Said the fair young maiden.
Harriers:
"Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.
"Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough,"
Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor.
Harriettes continue to sing first lines and
harriers the second lines with the same
repeats and style as above.
"Shall I come and let you in?"
"Open the door, you dirty old whore,"
"Will you sleep upon the floor?"
"Get off the floor, you dirty old whore,"
"Will you sleep upon the mat?"
"Bugger the mat, you can't fuck that,"
"Will you sleep upon the stairs?"
"Bugger the stairs, they got no hairs,"
"Will you sleep upon my breasts?"
"Bugger your tits, they give me the shits,"
"Will you sleep between my thighs?"
"Cut the talk and open your fork,"
"Will you sleep within my cunt?"
"Bugger your cunt but I'll fuck for a stunt,"
"What if we should have a child?"
"Smother the bugger and fuck for another,"
"What if we should have a girl?"
"We'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch."
138
Barney's Hash Song
By Smoking Wiener)
(To: I Love You)
I love you!
You love me!
We'll go hashing, wait and see!
With a great big mug!
And a beer from me to you!
First we'll down down, then we'll screw!
139
Bastard King of England
(To: The Irish Washerwoman)
Oh, the minstrels sing of an English King,
Of many long years ago,
He ruled his land with an iron hand,
Though his mind was weak and slow.
He loved to hunt the royal stag,
Around the royal wood,
But better by far he loved to sit,
And pound the royal pud.
Chorus
He was lousy and dirty and covered in fleas,
The hair on his balls hung down to his knees,
And he had his women in twos and threes.
God bless the Bastard King of England.
Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane,
And a sprightly wench was she,
She longed to fool with the royal tool,
From far across the sea.
So she sent a royal message,
With a royal messenger,
To invite the King of England down,
To spend the night with her.
Now 'ol' Philip of France he heard by chance,
Within his royal court,
And he swore, "She loves my rival best,
Because my tool is short,
So he hurried off to Spain,
Where he did the deed again,
To give the Queen a dose of clap,
To pass it on to the Bastard King of England.
When news of this foul deed was heard,
Within the royal halls,
The King he swore by the royal whore,
He'd have to Frenchman's balls.
He offered half the royal purse,
And a piece of the Queen Hortense,
To any British subject,
Who could do the King of France.
So the noble Duke of Middlesex,
He took himself to France,
He swore he was a fairy,
So the king let drop his pants,
Then on Philip's dong he slipped a throng,
Leaped on his horse and galloped along,
Dragging the Frenchman back,
To merry old England.
When the returned to London town,
Within fair England's shores,
Because of the ride King Philip's pride,
Was stretched a yard or more.
And all the whores in silken drawers,
Came down to London town,
And shouted round the battlements,
"To hell with the British Crown."
And Philip alone usurped the throne,
His scepter was his royal bone,
With which he ditched the Bastard King of
England.
Rule Britannia, Marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole,
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
140
Be My Guest
(To: Be Our Guest)
Be My Guest
Be my guest,
Be my guest,
Put my service to the test,
Wrap your legs around my waist cherie,
And I will do the rest.
Menage a trois, 69,
Without your clothes you look just fine.
Try the white stuff, it's delicious,
Don't believe me? Ask da bitches.
They can scream, they can moan,
When I give them all the bone,
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants,
Then take a look, a glance,
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
(Continued...)
Be my love,
Be my slave,
Let's kick back and watch some Dave.
I'll prepare,
Extraordinaire,
And then I'll spelunk in your cave.
We're alone and you're scared,
But the bedroom's all prepared,
No one's ever been complaining,
Cuz I'm always entertaining.
I sell smokes, you turn trix,
I'm the dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me
head.
You're such a nice young lass,
Come on and shake your ass.
Be my guest,
If you're stressed,
It's my love spear I suggest,
Be my guest,
I'm the best,
Be my guest!
Life is disconceting,
To a flirter who's not flirting,
He's not whole without a soul,
To jump upon.
Ah those good old days when I was fruitful,
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn,
Three weeks it's been missing,
Needing so much more than kissing.
Needing exercise, a chance to use its skill,
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom,
Flabby, fat and lazy,
You walk in and I go crazy.
It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Sakes alive she's got a chest,
Wine's been poured,
And I've been bored,
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast,
With dessert she'll want me,
With some luck we'll make it three,
While the bed starts in a-squeaking,
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking.
You'll get warm, piping hot,
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do,
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest,
She's my guest.
My command is your request,
It's been three weeks since,
I've seen anybody's peaks,
And I'm obsessed.
You're a treat, you're a tease,
Yes indeed I aim to please,
Through the night we'll keep a-going,
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing,
Thrust by thrust,
One by one,
Till you shout "Enough, I've come",
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex,
Tonight you'll prop your feet up,
And I'll start to eat up,
Be my guest,
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
141
Be My Guest (female version)
By by Deep Chocolate of Etna Hash House
Harriers)
(To: Be Our Guest)
Be My Guest
Be my guest,
Be my guest,
Put my service to the test,
Put my legs around your waist good sir,
And I will do the rest.
Menage a trois, 69,
Without our clothes it feels so fine.
Hey the white stuff, is such good stuff,
I just can't, get enough.
I can suck, I can lick,
If you give me, your hard dick.
Cause a screwing here is never second best!
Come on take off my pants,
Then take a look, a glance,
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
Be my playmate,
Be my slave,
I promise I'll, be a good lay.
I'll prepare,
Etraordinaire,
And then we'll screw all night away.
We're alone, don't be scared,
'Cause my dear, I'm well prepared.
No one's ever been complaining,
While I am entertaining.
You lose words, when I play games,
But with a gag in your mouth, there's not much
that
you can say!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, screw me, tie me
down.
Take me from the back,
Go on and slap my ass.
Be my guest,
If you're stressed,
It's my pussy I suggest,
Be my guest,
I'm the best,
Be my guest!
Life can be so blue,
For a nympho without a screw.
I'm not happy without a pole,
To fill my hole.
Ah those good old days when we did it all night
long,
Tonight we can play untill the break of dawn.
Three hours it's been missing,
Needing so much more than kissing,
Needing excercise, a chance to use my skill.
Lonely days I just play with the shower nozzle.
You can lay there and be lazy,
Let me on top and I'll go crazy!
Be my guest!
Be my guest!
Oh man, has he been blessed!
We can do it on the floor,
'Till that becomes a bore,
Then move on, for an all nighter fest.
You can have some fun with me,
I got hole, oh I've got three!
While the bed is a breaking,
We'll be cuming, bodys shaking.
I'll be warm, wet and hot,
Oh Baby! Yeah, that's the spot!
Fill it up, cause I never, settle for less.
I've got you to do,
Was that one night or two?
For you my guest,
Be my guest.
My command is your request,
It's been too long,
Since I've cum,
And I am so obsessed.
A tasty treat, I'm such a tease,
But indeed I aim to please,
Through the night we'll keep on boning,
Pretty soon I will be moaning.
Thrust by thrust,
Dick in cunt,
'Till you shout, "Enough, I've cum!"
Then I'll go down on you for oral sex,
Tonight I'll prop my feet up,
So that you can eat up,
Be my guest,
I'm the best,
Please Be my guest!
142
Beastiality's Best
(To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down)
Chorus
Beastiality's best, boys, beastiality's best...
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
Beastiality's best, boys, beastiality's best!
1
Shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog.
(Echo) Fuck a wallaby!
(You've gotta) shove your log in a dog, boys,
Shove your log in a dog...
(Songmaster:) All together now!
2 Up the rear of a deer...etc.
3 Intercourse with a horse...
4 Have a fuck with a duck...
5 Chuck your sperm in a worm...
6 Lick the twat of a cat...
7 Do an illegal with an eagle...
8 Up the hole of a mole...
9 Give some cock to a croc...
10 Shoot your load in a toad...
11 Have a rape with an ape...
12 Get in deep with a sheep...
13 Have a frig with a pig...
14 Up the thigh of a fly...
15 Give your gerbil some verbal...
16 Fool with the tool of a mule...
17 In the esophagus of an octapus...
18 Make it twirl in a squirrel...
19 Down the throat of a goat...
20 Shove your willy up a filly...
21 Stick you rod up a cod...
22 Up the spout of a trout...
23 Do it funky with a monkey...
24 Put your noodle to a poodle...
25 Make love with a dove...
26 Be very pleasant to a pheasant...
27 Sixty-nine with a swine...
28 Cunnilingo with a dingo...
29 Up the tail of a whale...
30 Up the ass of a bass...
31 Wear out a bug on the rug...
32 Mate a 'gator then fellate her...
33 Up the box of a fox...
34 Have a shag with a stag...
35 Nibble the twat of a rat...
36 In the dark with a shark...
37 Ejaculate in a skate...
38 Part the hare of a mare...
39 Have a screw with a shrew...
40 On top of the easel with a weasel...
41 Lick the clit of a nit...
42 Drink the pee of a bee...
43 Give a half to a giraffe...
44 Give a lickin' to a chicken...
45 Go a rounder with a flounder...
46 Make it wonky with a donkey...
47 In the sack with yak....
48 Get a suck from a duck...
49 Get under the tail of a snail...
50 Up the fanny of a nanny...
51 Get it out for a trout...
52 Up the hole of a sole...
53 On the lawn with a prawn...
54 Be a queer with a deer...
55 Have a shaggin' with a dragon...
56 Up the anus of a platypus...
57 Get the pox off a fox...
58 Any which way with a jay...
59 Have a hug with a bug...
60 Make some porn with a unicorn...
61 Put it through a gnu...
62 Have a goose with a moose...
63 Up the cunt of a runt...
64 Get frisky with a pixie...
65 In the Bahamas with some llamas...
66 Up the flue of a shrew...
67 Have a filler with a gorilla...
68 In the lake with a drake...
69 Get your release in a fleece...
70 Put it in the mid of a squid...
71 Make it course with a horse...
72 Help old Watson with a dachshund...
73 Soixante-neuf with a smurf...
74 Put it in the mouth of a sloth...
75 Get your oats with some stoats...
76 In the lake with a drake...
77 A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel...
78 In the lug of a slug...
79 Have a squirm with a worm...
80 Have a cracker with a quacker...
81 Go and defile a crocodile...
82 In a bag with a stag...
83 Have a lark with an aardvark...
84 In a heap with a sheep...
85 Have a deer from the rear...
86 Go the whole way with a moray...
87 Have a toss with a hoss...
88 Put your thang in an orangoutang...
89 In the ear of a deer...
90 Make it limp in a chimp...
91 Beat you wick with a stick...
92 Up the toot-toot of a coot...
93 Be a rotter with an otter...
94 Put your cock in a peacock...
95 In the bog with a dog...
96 Have a chimp with an imp...
97 Come from behind with a hind...
98 Up the back of a yak...
99 On a train with a crane...
100 Anyway you can with a pelican...
101 On a honeymoon with a raccoon...
(And it never ends, make up your own!)
143
The Beat Goes On
(To: The Beat Goes On)
Chorus
The beat goes on,
The beat goes on.
Hands keep pounding ryth-m on my dick
(twat).
La da da da di,
La da da da da.
Fornicating was once the rage, uh - huh,
Sodomy was for any age, uh - huh.
A handjob now and then is the best thing, uh
- huh,
'Cause AIDS is now the newborn sexual
king, uh - huh,
and... The groc'ry store has condoms now, uh - huh,
But some would rather screw a cow, uh - huh,
And men down under still like to shag sheep,
uh - huh,
'Lec-tric'ly the girls dildo to sleep, uh - huh.
and...
Grandmas sit in chairs and reminisce, uh - huh,
Little girls now only kiss, uh - huh,
And women realize they're out of luck, uh -
huh,
It's hard today to get a decent fuck, uh - huh.
and...
144
Bengali One So Long
Bengali one so long,
Melayu one potong,
Indian one so dark and strong,
Orang Puteh just like sotong.
All Hash Mens' hard and strong,
They can go for ten furlong,
Darling, please don't ask for tolong,
And we will carry on and on.
There is a lady in sarong,
She prefers it done on a palong,
To her surprise we can stand so long,
Because one fails the rest will carry on.
145
Bicycle Built for Two
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
(To: Working For the Yankee Dollar)
I asked my lady what should I do,
To make her happy, not make her blue,
She said, "The only thing I want from you,
Is a little bitty of the big bamboo."
Chorus
She wanted the big bamboo, bamboo,
Eye eye-eye eye-eye-eye,
Working for the Yankee dollar.
So I gave her a coconut,
She said, "I like him, he's okay,
But there's just one thing that worries me,
What good are the nuts without the tree?"
So I sold my lady a banana plant,
She said, "I like him, he's elegant,
We should not let him go to waste,
But he's much too soft to suit my taste."
So I bought my lady a sugar cane,
The fruit of fruits, I did explain,
But she was tired of him very quick,
She said, "I'd rather get my lips around your
dip stick."
So I gave my honey a rambutan,
Soft and prickly, how the juices ran,
She said, "I've seen a fruit like this before,
But it had a long stalk and two pips in the core."
She met a china man, Him Hung Low,
They got married, went to Mexico,
But she divorced him very quick,
She said, "I want bamboo, not chopstick."
147
Big Fat Ass
Here's a song about something we've all seen,
About a girl with everything.
Looks and brains, and personality,
And more of something else than there ought
to be.
Living in the land of good and plenty here,
We've got a lot of good food, wine, and beer.
Hard to keep trim with all that going on,
But a single man might sing this song:
Hey look at those girls sitting over there.
From here they all look pretty fair.
Look at them jugs, and loose fitting dress,
Tell tale signs of a big fat ass.
A big fat ass,
A big fat ass,
God damn I hate a big fat ass.
So just stay put, we'll drink some beer,
We can't be sure from over here,
When she goes to the john it'll tell the tale,
I told you so, it's a baby whale.
A baby whale,
A baby whale,
I won't put moves on a baby whale.
Here's another little verse about the same old
thing,
About this girl with everything.
Looks and brains, and personality,
And more in back than what's meant for me.
We're living in the land of good and plenty here,
Too much food, and wine, and beer.
Hard to keep fit with all that going on,
But her boyfriend might just sing this song:
You know I don't mind the smoking, or the
halitosis, a few bad zits, or a mild neurosis.
A little B.O.., or a flabby gut,
But I just can't hack your big fat butt.
Your big fat butt,
Your big fat butt,
Don't want to be seen with that big fat butt.
I don't mind your bad grooming habits,
You can bay at the moon,
You can go run rabbits.
In fact, I can name a few tests you pass,
But you just flunked out with that big fat ass,
Your big fat ass,
Your big fat ass,
I'm giving you an "F" for your big fat ass.
Here's another little verse about the same old
thing,
About this girl with everything.
Looks and brains, and personality,
And a rear like a five ton GMC.
We're living in the land of good and plenty here,
Too damn much food, and wine, and beer.
Hard to keep trim with all that going on,
But married man might sing this song:
Now baby, what the hell can I do with you?
To buy you dinner costs the price of two.
To games, to shows, you need two seats,
The city's planning wider streets.
Wider walks,
Wider seats,
Now we've got to have wider streets.
Well, you broke my chair with those
humongous hocks,
The car's gotten four new overload shocks.
You broke the toilet and an escalator,
Now you've got to ride in a freight elevator.
A freight elevator,
And an escalator,
You even crushed your new vibrator.
Well about this girl with everything,
This candidate for Dairy Queen.
She's pissed off now so I'll end this song,
Get rid of them buns and we'll get it on.
Get it on.
Get it on,
Get rid of them buns and we'll get it on.
148
Big Red Rose
(To: When You Wore a Tulip)
She wore her panties, her pretty pink panties,
And I wore my BVDs.
First I caresses her, and then I undressed her,
What a thrill she gave to me.
I played with her boobies, her great big
white boobies,
And down where the short hair grows.
What could be sweeter as I played with my
peter,
And white-washed her big red rose?
149
Bike Week
Salmon swimming up a stream,
Bikers having Harley dreams,
Co-eds rubbing on sun creams,
Time for Bike Week fun it seems.
For once Jammies is gone,
And toes will be spit free,
But now one has to watch Mullet,
If you don't want a shoe full of pee.
Unending beer once again,
A 72-hour pub crawl,
Random acts of debauchery,
And hounds passed out in halls.
Late night eating with harriets,
And also maybe some food,
The constant rumble of engines,
And "Enforcers" with attitude.
(Continued...)
The ridiculous "no public drinking",
Though chug contests abound,
Winning every last one of them,
By entering a ringer hound.
Bike Week,
Time to Drink,
Bike Week,
Time to Drink,
Bike Week.
150
Bitch a Dog
(To: Do, Re, Mi)
Bitch, a dog, a female dog,
Itch, a place for you to scratch,
Hitch, I pull my knickers up,
Grab, another word for snatch,
Bath, a place for making gin,
Sex, another word for sin,
Prick, a needle going in,
And that will bring us back to
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...
151
Bloody Hare
(To: Duke of Earl)
Chorus
Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare.
Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare,
Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare,
Solo 1:
As I -- run through the square,
Nothing can stop -- the Bloody Hare.
And you -- can not sna-are --,
And no one can catch me --,
Yes I'm -- gon-na be free,
On In I'll be,
'Cause I'm the Bloody Hare.
To Chorus
Solo 2:
When I -- drink my beer --,
You will be -- just half- way here --,
But you -- nev-er fe-ar,
A pint of two, I will share.
I'm -- gon-na be free,
On In I'll be,
'Cause I'm the Bloody Hare.
To Chorus until bored.
152
Born Dead
(To: Born Free)
Born dead!
Your baby was born dead;
All torso and no head,
Born dead to live in a jar.
Stay dead!
Don't come back to haunt me;
You really don't want me,
Born dead to live in a jar.
Brain dead!
Your husband is brain dead;
A vein popped in his head,
Brain dead so why not fuck me.
I'm dead!
You killed me for money;
You were such a honey,
I'm dead so you can be free.
Your dead!
You fucked one too many;
You got AIDS a plenty,
You're dead, thank God, you're dead! 153
Boy Meets Girl
Boy meets girl, holds her hand,
Visions of a promised land,
Tender words, cling and kiss,
Crafty feel, heavenly bliss,
Nibble nipples, squeeze thighs,
Gets a beat, feels a rise,
Eyes ablaze, drawers down,
Really starts to go to town,
Legs outspread, virgin lass,
Fanny foams like bottled Bass,
Ram it home, moans of joy,
Teenage love, girl meets boy,
Love's a jewel, pearls he's won,
Shoots his load, what's he done,
Comes the payoff, here's the rub,
He's got her in the puffing club,
Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap,
Love and cherish, all that crap,
A tubby tum, weighty gain,
Prams and nappies, labor pain,
Begins to realize what he did,
Nagging wife and screaming kid,
Sweats his ass off, works his stint;
Only pleasure is evening time,
When mattress creaks she's off again,
Can't forsake those sexy habits,
Breeding kids like bloody rabbits.
154
The Boy's Song and Girl's Song
Harriers begin....
The Boy's Song
I'm in love with the girl next door...
Smell my finger,
She's a big one.
Smell my elbow,
She's enormous.
Smell my armpit,
She's gigantic.
Smell my ankle...
Harriettes retaliate...
The Girl's Song
I'm in love with the boy next door...
Where's his pecker?
I can't find it.
Guess I missed it.
Want a big one.
Got a small one.
Want a stiff one.
Got a limp one.
155
Breathalyzed
(To: Yesterday)
Breathalyzed,
Crystals turning green before my eyes.
I can hardly realize,
That I have just been breathalyzed.
Suddenly,
There's a policeman standing over me.
I'd like to punch him but he's six foot three,
And I would like to stay alive.
Chorus
He said, "We'd like to test your blood for alcohol."
I said, "Go away, you'll get nothing, Dracula."
Reality,
Five hundred milligrams per 100 mils.
Now they reckon, I'm a mobile still,
and I have to be penalized.
Custody,
When they took me to the local mick,
I've never seen a policeman move so quick,
But not as quick, as I got sick.
Misery,
And the judge says I must join AA,
And take the bus for 60 days.
Oh, why did I get breathalized?
Breathalyzed,
Couldn't wait to get back to the car,
But I hadn't gone very far,
'Til I again was breathalized. 156
By the Light
(To: By the Light of the Silvery Moon)
By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw her snatch,
In the watermelon patch.
By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw it gleam, I heard her scream,
You are burning my snatch,
With your fucking match.
157
Bye Bye Cherry
(To: Bye Bye Blackbird)
Back your ass against the wall,
Here I come, balls and all,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Won't your mother be disgusted,
When she finds your cherry's busted,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Wrap your legs around a little tighter,
I can feel my load is getting lighter,
Shake your ass and wiggle your tits,
Till my little pecker spits,
Cherry, bye bye!
158
Bye, Bye Blackbird
(To: Bye, Bye Blackbird)
Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into a wood,
Bye, Bye Blackbird.
Laid her down upon the grass,
Pinched her tits and slapped her ass,
Bye, Bye Blackbird.
Took her where nobody else could find her,
To a place where he could really grind her.
Rolled her over on her front,
Shoved his cock right up her cunt,
Blackbird, Bye Bye.
But this girl she was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, Bye Blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
Judge and jury had a horn,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Then the Judge came down with his decision,
This poor fuck got eighteen years in prison.
So next time boy, do it right,
Stuff her cunt with dynamite,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
159
Can You Walk a Little Way With It In?
(To: Billy Boy)
Harriers ask and harriettes answer.
Can you walk a little way,
With it in, with it in?
Can you walk a little way,
With it in-nnn?
I can do it with a smile,
I can walk a bloody mile,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.
Can you pour me frosty beer,
With it in, with it in?
Can you pour me frosty beer,
With it in-nnn?
I can poor your frosty beer,
Even with your mug in here,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.
Can you sing a pretty tune,
With it in, with it in?
Can you sing a pretty tune,
With it in-nnn?
I can sing a pretty tune,
Under your most handsome moon,
For I love you and I want to be a mother. Can you drive my father's car,
With it in, with it in?
Can you drive my father's car,
With it in-nnn?
I can drive your father's car,
To the local village bar,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.
Can you stay upon my horse,
With it in, with it in?
Can you stay upon my horse,
With it in-nnn?
I can stay upon your horse,
And continue intercourse,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.
How soon can you let go,
With it in, with it in?
How soon can you let go,
With it in-nnn?
I cannot let it go,
Un-til your seeds you sow,
For I love you and I want to be a mother.
160
Can't Hash Today
Dear Hash I sing this song to tell you of my
plight,
At the time of writing I am not a pretty sight.
Me body is all black and blue; and me face a
deathly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why I can't
Hash today.
I was working on the fourteenth floor, some
bricks I had to clear,
And throwin' 'em down from such a height
was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an
awful sod,
He said that I'd have to take them down the
ladder in me hod.
Now shiftin' all them bricks by hand seemed
so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind
to see,
That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was
heavier than me.
Now when I came down I cut the rope and
the barrel fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up
instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel
coming down.
Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the
ground it sped.
And when I reached the top I struck the
pulley with me head,
I still clung on though numbed and shocked
from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks
fourteen floors below.
Now when the bricks had fallen from the
barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and they started
up once more.
Clinging tightly to the rope as I headed for
the ground,
And I fell among the broken bricks that were
scattered all around.
As I lay there moaning on the ground, I
thought I passed the worst,
And the barrel struck the pulley wheel and
didn't the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me, sure
I didn't have a hope,
And as I was losing consciousness, I let go
the bloody rope.
Now the barrel being heavier started down
once more,
And landed right across me as I lay there on
the floor. (Continued...)
I broke three ribs and me left arm, and I can
only say,
That I hope you understand why I can't hash
today. 161
Carolina
(To: Sweet Betsy from Pike)
Way down in Alabama where the bullshit lies
thick,
The girls are so pretty that the babies come quick.
There lives Carolina, the queen of them all,
Carolina, Carolina, the cow-puncher's whore.
She's handy, she's bandy, she shags in the street.
Whenever you meet her she's always in heat.
If you leave your fly open she's after your meat,
And the smell of her cunt knocks you right
off your feet.
One night I was riding way down by the falls,
One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls.
I saw Carolina there using a stick,
Instead of the end of a cow-puncher's prick.
I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her
down there.
And parted the tresses of curly brown hair.
Inserted the prick of my sturdy horse,
And then there began a strange intercourse.
Faster and faster went my sturdy steed,
Until Carolina rejoiced at the speed,
When all of a sudden my horse did back-fire,
And shot Caroline right into the mire.
Up got Carolina all covered in muck.
And said, "Oh dear, what a glorious fuck!"
Two paces forward and fell flat on the floor,
And that was the end of the cow-punchers whore.
162
Cats on the Rooftops
When you wake up in the morning with the
devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the
seminary gland.
If you haven't got a woman, use your own
horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.
Chorus
Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphilis, cats with piles,
Cats with their assholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a
miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress, and he doesn't
have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the
Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The poor old desert camel has no water for a
week,
And as he doesn't drink, the poor bugger
cannot leak,
So he has to hold his water -- so to speak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The donkey is a lonely bloke,
It's very, very seldom that he ever gets a poke.
But when he does- he lets it soak,
And he revels in the joys of fornication.
The hippopotamus, so it seems,
Very, very seldom has wet dreams,
But when he does -- it comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty
song,
He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits
long.
You should hear his high crescendo-
When his mate is on the prong,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
When you find yourself in springtime with a
surge of sexual
joy, and you wife has got the rags on,
And your daughter's feeling coy,
Then jam it up the jacksie of your favorite choirboy,
As you revel in a smooth ejaculation.
The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands just a foot or so,
So when he comes, it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light,
As he jumps and leaps - in the night,
And revels in the joys of fornication.
The flea disports among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The owls in the trees and cats on the tiles,
One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in piles,
You can hear their delighted howls and
shrieks for miles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale faced spinsters shag like shoats,
And the whole damn world stands by and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
Poor old Mr. Bengelstein, whose morals we
doubt,
He wanders round with his noodle hanging
out,
And when he sees a wench - it up and hits
him in the snout,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The labors of the poofter find but little favor
here.
But the morally leprous bastard has a
peaceful sleep I fear.
As he dreams he rips a red up some dirty
urchin's rear,
As he revels in the joys of fornication,
The elephant's prick is big and round,
A small one scales a thousand pounds,
Two together rock the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The Australian lady who, when she wants to
find a mate,
Wanders 'round the desert with a feather up
her date.
You should see that feather - when she meets
her destined fate,
As she revels in the joys of fornication.
The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows,
He takes two days to have a shag, but when
he's in the throws,
He doesn't stop to take it out - he piddles
through his nose,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile,
Gets a flip only once in a while,
But when he does - it floods the Nile,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The lady by the seaside was feeling very blue,
She saw the children at it and she thought
she'd like it too,
So she bought three bananas - and she ate
the other two,
As she reveled in the joys of masturbation.
The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears,
Never gets a grind in a thousand years,
But when he does - he makes up for arrears,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Little Mary Johnson will be seventeen next
July,
She's never had a naughty, but she thought
she'd like to try,
So she took her daddy's walking stick and
did it on the sly,
And she reveled in the joys of masturbation.
When you wake up in the morning with a
devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid in you
seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman - use your own
fucking hand.
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.
The poor domestic doggie on the chain all day,
Never gets a chance to let himself go play.
So he licks at his dick - in a frantic way,
As he revels in the joys of fornication,
The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But when he does - it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The wild boar is in the mud all day,
Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,
And the corkscrew motion of half a day,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale,
With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,
And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Now I met a girl and she was a dear,
And she gave me a dose of gonorrhea,
Fools rush in where angels fear,
As I reveled in the joys of fornication.
A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To stand and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Reveling in the joys of fornication.
163
Chandler's Shop
A boy went into a chandler's chop, some
candles for to buy,
But when he got to the chandler's chop, no
chandler did he spy,
He loudly knocked, he loudly cried, enough
to wake the dead,
But all he heard was a rat-a-tat-tat, right
above his head.
Now he was a very inquisitive youth, so up
the stairs he went,
And he was very surprised to find the
chandler's wife in bed.
For she was lying upon back with a man
between her thighs,
And they were having a rat-a-tat-tat, right
before his eyes.
And when the deed was over, the wife she
raised her head,
And she was very surprised to find the boy
beside the bed,
"Now if you can keep my secret, boy, to you
I will be kind,
And you can have a rat-a-tat-tat, whenever
you feel inclined.
164
Chapped Hide
(To: Rawhide)
Ballin', ballin', ballin',
That boy he keeps on callin',
His crabs, they keep on crawlin',
Chapped hide!
You thought he was the right one,
But he was a one-night stand one,
He's shootin' blanks with his gun,
Chapped hide!
Pick him up, take him home, ride him hard,
make him moan!
Wake him up, saddle up, send him home!
Chapped hide... Yee Haw!
165
Chicago
(To: The Bear Went Over the Mountain)
Chorus
I used to work in Chicago,
In a department store,
I used to work in Chicago,
But I don't work there any more.
Verses for Men Songmasters
Songmaster:
A woman came in for a computer,
Pack repeats:
A computer from the store.
Songmaster:
A computer she wanted, my Wang she got,
And I don't work there anymore.
Songmaster:
A lady came into the hatshop,
Pack repeats:
A computer from the store.
Songmaster:
"Felt," she wanted, felt her I did.
And I don't work there anymore.
A lady came in for a beer...
Beer she wanted, 6-pack, ate she got...
A lady came in for a sweater...
"Jumper," she wanted, jump her I did...
A lady came in for a seafood...
Seafood she wanted, lobster , crabs she got...
A lady came in for a floppy disk...
Floppy disk she wanted, my hard drive she
got...
A lady came in for a ticket...
"Bangor," she wanted, bang her I did...
A lady came in for a plumbing...
Plumbing she wanted, my pipe she got...
A lady came in for a pipe...
Pipe she wanted, hosed she got...
A lady came in for some coffee...
"Ground," she wanted, brind her I did...
A lady came in for a cake...
"Layer," she wanted, bay her I did...
A lady came in for a down quilt...
"Goose," she wanted, boose her I did...
A lady came in for some lamp oil...
"Whale," she wanted, sperm her I did...
A lady came in for some Air Wick...
"Mountain," she wanted, mount her I did...
A lady came in for a sleeper...
"Upper," she wanted, up her I did...
A lady came in for some china...
"Bone," she wanted, bone her I did...
A lady came in for some coffee...
"Ground," she wanted, grind her I did...
A lady came in for some gin...
"Beefeater," she wanted, eat her I did...
A woman came in for some service...
"Quick," she wanted, prick her I did...
A lady came in for a diskette...
"Floppy," she wanted, hard drive her I did...
A woman came in for a bath mat...
"Shower," she wanted, show her I did...
A woman came in for a power drill...
"Black & Decker," she wanted, deck her I did...
A lady came in for a drink...
"Liquor," she wanted, lick her I did...
A lady came in for some Air Wick...
"Mountain," she wanted, mount her I did...
A lady came in for some dish soap...
"Johnson & Johnson," she wanted, my
Johnson she got...
A woman came in for some wood shoes...
"Clog," she wanted, flog her I did,..
A lady came in for a curtain...
"Drape," she wanted, rape her I did,..
A lady came in for a doughnut...
Glazed she wanted, cream filled she got
A lady came in for a elevator...
Elevator she wanted, my shaft she got...
A lady came in for a carpet...
Carpet she wanted, laid she got...
A lady came in for a spring...
Spring she wanted, boinged got...
A lady came in for a screwdriver...
Screwdriver she wanted, screwed she got...
A lady came in for a hammer...
Hammer she wanted, nailed she got...
A lady came in for a T-bone...
T-bone she wanted, my boneless round she
got...
A lady came in for a carpet...
Carpet she wanted, pile she wanted, shagged
she got she got...
A lady came in for a gun...
Gun she wanted, banged she got...
A lady came in for a nylons...
Nylons she wanted, hosed she got...
A lady came in for a metaphysical conversation...
Metaphysical conversation she wanted,
fucked she got...
A lady came in for a velvet...
Velvet she wanted, felt she got...
A lady came in for a liquor...
Liquor she wanted, lick her I did she got...
A lady came in for a bolts...
Bolts she wanted, my nuts she got...
A lady came in for a sailors...
Sailors she wanted, semen she got...
A lady came in for a ham...
Ham she wanted, porked she got...
A lady came in for a cigarette...
Cigarette she wanted, camel, humped she got...
A lady came in for a plastic...
Plastic she wanted, rubbers she got...
A lady came in for a stockings...
Stockings she wanted, hosing she got...
A lady came in for a liquid Plumber...
Liquid Plumber she wanted, pipes cleaned
she got...
A lady came in for a canned ham...
Canned ham she wanted, porked she got...
A lady came in for a gift wrapping...
Gift wrapping she wanted, packed she got...
A lady came in for a butter...
Butter she wanted, spread she got...
A lady came in for a fabric...
Fabric she wanted, silk, felt she got...
A lady came in for a water-bottle...
"Rubber," she wanted, rub her I did...
Verses for Lady Songmasters
A man came in for a balloon...
Balloon he wanted, blown he got...
A man came in for a wheels...
Wheels he wanted, rimmed he got...
A man came in for a beer...
Bavarian he wanted, bush he got...
A man came in for a doughnut...
Doughnut he wanted, my hole he got...
A man came in for a telephone...
A.T.T. he wanted; T.I.T. he got,..
A boy came in for a lollipop...
Lollipop he wanted, sucked he got...
A man came in for a horse...
Horse he wanted, ridden he got...
A man came in for a carpet...
Shag he wanted, piles he got...
166
Christopher And Alice
Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
"Dear little Christopher knows his stuff,
At 'Trying the Beard' and 'Noshing the Muff.'"
-Says Alice
Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin's still gobblin' Alice.
"One more time, then after lunch,
I'll reciprocate and 'Munch the Trunch.'"
-Says Alice
Christopher Robin is getting his knob in,
Alice is down and gobblin' Robin.
She won't say a word while 'Tonguing the Tool,'
"Cos it's rude to talk when your mouth is full."
-Says Alice
They're plating away at Buckingham Palace,
Alice plates Robin and Robin plates Alice.
They're laying down upon the turf,
"Nothing compares with a Soixante Neuf."
-Says Alice
167
Christopher Robin
(To: Christopher Robin Is Saying His
Prayers)
Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs,
Clutched in his hands are a bunch of white hairs.
Oh, my, just fancy that,
Christopher Robin has castrated the cat.
Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed,
Lily-white hands are caressing his head.
Oh, my, couldn't be worse,
Christopher Robin is fucking his nurse.
Little boy sits on the lavatory pan,
Gently caressing his little old man.
Flip flop, into the tank,
Christopher Robin is having a wank. 168
Clementine
(To: Clementine)
There she stood beside the bar rail,
Drinking pink gins for two bits,
And the swollen whiskey barrels,
Stood in awe beside here tits.
Chorus
I owe my darlin', I owe my darlin'
I owe my darlin', Clementine.
Three bent pennies and a nickel,
Oh my darlin' Clementine.
Eyes of whiskey, lips of water,
As she vomits in my beer.
Dawns the daylight in her temple,
With a fucking warming leer.
Hung me guitar on the bar rail,
At the sweetness of the sign.
In one leap leapt out me trousers,
Plunged into the foaming brine.
She was bawdy, she was busty,
She could match the great Buzoom.
As she strained out of her bloomers,
Like a melon tree in bloom.
Oh, the Oak tree and the Cypress,
Never more together twine.
Since that creeping poison ivy,
Laid its blight on Clementine.
169
Clinton Baloney Song
(To: Oscar Meyer Baloney Song)
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
"I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sing it every day,
The White House people all just saaaaaaay,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound OK! 170
Cock Robin
(To: Who Killed Cock Robin?)
Who killed cock robin?
"I," said the sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed cock robin."
Chorus
Oh, the birds of the air said,
Fuck it! Let's chuck it!
When they heard cock robin,
Had kicked the fucking bucket!
When they heard, cock robin,
Had kicked the fucking bucket!
Who saw him die?
"I," said the fly,
"With my little eye,
I saw him die."
Who'll take his blood?
"I," said the mole,
"With my little bowl,
I'll take his blood."
Who'll dig his grave?
"I," said the owl,
"With my little trowel,
I'll dig the grave."
Who'll ring the bell?
"I," said the bull,
"With my mighty tool,
I'll ring the bell."
Who'll say the prayer?
"I," said the rook,
"With my little book,
I'll say the prayer." 171
Cold Winter's Evening
(To: She Was Just a Poor Man's Daughter)
'Twas a cold winter's evening,
The guests were all leavin'.
O'Leary was closin' the bar,
When he turned and he said,
To the lady in red,
"Get out! You can't stay where you are."
Oh she wept a sad tear,
In her bucket of beer,
As she thought of the cold night ahead.
When a gentleman dapper,
Stepped out of the crapper,
And these are the words that he said:
"Her mother never taught her,
The things a young girl should know,
About the ways of college men,
And how they come and go (Mostly go-).
Age has stolen her beauty,
And sin has left its sad scar (You know where
-).
So remember your mothers and sisters, boys,
And let her sleep under the bar.
(With old granddad)
172
Colostomy's Best
(To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down)
Chorus
Colostomy's best, boys,
Colostomy's best (Fill your baggy!)
Colostomy's best, boys,
Colostomy's best.
Rub some shit on your clit, girls,
Rub some shit on your clit (Fill your baggy!)
Rub some shit on your clit, girls,
Rub some shit on your clit.
Take a dump in a bag, guys...
Shit through a slit in your side, Clyde...
The Hershey highway is my way, boys...
Stick your tool in her stool, boys...
Get down in her brown, guys...
Whack off in her sack, Jack...
Fart through a cut in your gut, boys...
Make doo-doo without a loo, Stu...
173
Columbo
A most ancient song concerning the voyage
of the famous Christopher Columbus. A tale
told in VI parts.
Part the First:
In which it is explained how this voyage
came about and how the Queen of Spain
tearfully bade goodbye; Columbo's parting
words to the Queen.
In fourteen hundred ninety two,
A gob from Italy,
Went wandering through the streets of Spain,
A pissing in the alley.
Chorus
He swung his balls around-o,
They nearly touched the ground-o,
That masturbating, fornicating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.
In fourteen hundred ninety two,
The expedition started.
Queen Isabel, she cried like hell,
Columbo only farted.
Aboard the good ship Venus,
By God, you should have seen us,
The figurehead, a whore in bed,
The mast a throbbing penis.
Part the Second
In which we learn more of the brave
explorer. (Continued...)
Columbo paced upon the deck,
He knew it was his duty.
He laid this whang into his hand,
And said, "Ain't that a beauty."
The sailors on Columbo's ship,
Had each his private knothole.
But Columbo was a superman,
And used a padded porthole.
Columbo had a one-eyed cat,
He kept it in the cabin.
He rubbed its ass with axle grease,
And started in a jabbin'.
Columbo had a cabin boy,
That dirty little nipper!
They lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.
Part the Third
In which we are introduced to the crew of the
Venus and learn about some of their singular
accomplishments.
Columbo had a first mate,
He loved him like a brother;
Every night in the pale moonlight,
They buggered one another.
The second mate's name was Andy,
By God he had a dandy,
They crushed his cock between two rocks,
For shooting in the brandy.
The first cook's name was Carter,
A very musical farter;
He could fart anything from God Save the King,
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
The bo's'ns mate fell overboard,
The sharks did leap and frolic.
Him they ate with relish great
But shortly died of colic. Part the Fourth
Concerning what the sailors did for
recreation and how it came that Columbo's
daughter was lost at sea and what became of
her.
The skipper's daughter Mabel,
They fucked when they were able.
They tacked her tits, those homely shits,
Right to the galley table.
The skipper's other daughter,
They threw into the water.
Delighted squeals revealed the eels,
Had found her sexual quarter.
Part the Fifth
In which the New World is at last
discovered; and how the sailors expressed
their joy at finding civilization.
For forty days and forty nights,
They sailed the broad Atlantic.
Columbo and his lousy crew,
For want of a piece were frantic.
They spied a whore upon the shore,
And off came shirts and collars,
In twenty minutes by the clock,
She'd made then thousand dollars.
With a joyful shout they ran about,
And practiced fornication,
When they sailed they left behind,
Ten times the population.
And when his men pulled out again,
To take the homeward tour up,
They'd caught the pox from every box,
That syphilized all Europe.
Part the Sixth
In which Columbo at last returns to Spain,
and how he delivers this plunder to the
Queen, and the sad fate he gets for so doing.
Columbo went in haste to the Queen,
Because it was his duty,'
He gave to her a dose of clap;
He had no other booty.
So they threw in a stinking jail,
And left him there to grumble,
A ball and chain tied to his balls -
So ended poor Columbo.
174
Come Sit On My Face
(To: Red River Valley)
Come sit on my face, if you love me,
Come sit on my face, if you care,
And I'll drink from your Red River Valley,
And munch on your curly pubic hairs.
Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle,
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I would fly to the ends of creation,
And I'd butt-fuck the Man in the Moon.
Oh, take it in the hand, Mrs Murphy,
It feels just like a rolling pin.
But if you roll it between your hands,
It'll take some time to be useful again.
Oh, take it in the mouth, Mrs Murphy,
It only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs round its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you shake it up and down.
Oh, take it between the breasts, Mrs Murphy,
And look it staight in its one eye.
It will lie at peace between your bosom,
Until finally milk-tears you cry.
Oh, place it between your legs, Mrs Murphy,
It is just aching to crawl inside.
It has a helmet on its head like a soldier,
And it will shoot all its ammo, then die.
Oh, but never touch,
(insert hasher's name)'s,
Mrs. Murphy,
It seems his is covered with scabs.
His's has warts all over like a horny toad,
And is protected by an army of crabs.
175
Copenhagen HHH Anthem
(To: Pomp and Circumstances)
Come on, Viking Wankers,
Lift your beers and shout,
We are Copenhashers,
What we've got, we flaunt.
Close the narrow circle, gather round the beer.
Hashing, wanking drinking,
That is why we're here,
Hashing, wanking, drinking,
That is why we're here.
176
Country Sunday School
Chorus
Young folk, old folk,
Everybody come,
To the country Sunday School,
And we'll have lots of fun,
Bring your sticks of chewing gum,
And sit upon the floor,
And we'll tell you Bible stories,
That you never heard before.
Now Adam was the first man,
So we're lead to believe,
He walked into the garden,
And bumped right into Eve,
There was no one there to show him,
But he quickly found the way,
And that's the very reason,
Why we're singing here today,
Now Cain was into sheep,
And Able worked the farm.
When Cain got tired of wool,
He did his brother harm.
The Lord was pissed at Cain,
So he sent him out, alas,
But Cain knew where to find,
Some sexy monkey ass.
The Lord said unto Noah,
"It's going to rain today"
So Noah built a bloody great Ark,
In which to sail away.
The animals went in two by two,
But soon got up to tricks,
So, although they came in two by two,
They came out six by six.
Now Moses in the bulrushes,
Was all wrapped up in swathe,
Pharaoh's daughter found him,
When she went down there to bathe,
She took him back to Pharaoh,
And said, "I found him on the shore"
And Pharaoh winked his eye and said,
"I've heard that one before."
Now Daniel was a brave man,
Who's faith was never lost.
He never gave into threats,
So the lion's den he's tossed.
While praying for deliverance,
The lions gathered near,
He buggered each and everyone,
They stayed away in fear.
King Solomon and King David,
Lived most immoral lives,
Spent their time a-chasing,
After other people's wives,
The Lord spoke unto both of them,
And it worked just like a charm,
'Cos Solomon wrote the Proverbs,
And David wrote the Psalms.
Now Samson was an Israelite,
And very big and strong,
Delilah was a Philistine,
Always doing wrong.
They spent a week together,
But it didn't get very hot,
For all he got was short back and sides,
And a little bit off the top.
177
The Cow Kicked Nelly
(To: Turkey in the Straw)
Oh, the cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the
barn,
The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn,
The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn,
But the old man said it wouldn't do her any
harm.
Songmaster:
Second verse, same as the first,
a little bit louder and a little bit worse.
(Continues until everyone gets bored...) 178
Creak Goes the Muscle
(To: Green Grow the Rushes O)
Who'll give me one oh?
Creak goes the muscle oh,
What is your one oh?
One for the arrow up the steps never to be trusted,
Two, two, the jogging shoes all clogged up
with mud ho ho!
Three, three, the checkbacks we all missed,
Four for the worn out running kit,
Five for the toes of the worn out hashers,
Six for the pools of vomit,
Seven for the down downs after the run,
Eight for the ones who turned up late,
Nine for hashers lost at the check,
Ten for the virgins oh so cute,
Eleven for the hare who set the course,
Twelve for the mismanagement of the pack.
179
Cuckoo
The cuckoo is a funny bird,
Who sits in the grass.
With his wings neatly folded,
And his beak up his ass.
In this strange position,
He can only say, "Twit"
'Cause it's hard to say "Cuckoo"
With a beak full of shit.
180
Cucumber Song
(To: Botany Bay)
A restless young lady from Phuket,
Developed a wonderful trend,
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure,
'Cause she found they were better than men.
Chorus
So line up for your cucumbers, ladies,
They're selling for two bucks apiece,
Your frustrated days are all over,
'Cause cucumbers never get pissed.
In Asia they're eaten with chilis,
In Britain they're put between bread,
But in Phuket we use them as teddies,
'Cause we know that they'll never want head.
They'll never leave stains on the mattress,
They're happy to live in the fridge,
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.
So watch out you mighty marauders,
You're not quite as great as you think,
There's no guarantee it will work again,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.
181
Cum On Me
(To: Stand by Me)
When the night has come,
And your dick is hard.
And your moon is the only light I'll see.
No, I won't be afraid,
No, I won't be afraid,
Just as long as you cum in me.
So darling, darling,
Cum in me, oh, cum in me,
Oh, cum, cum in me, cum in me.
If your dick I look upon, should shrivel and
die,
Or your blood should stain your pee.
I won't cry, I won't cry,
No, I won't shed a tear,
Just as long as you came, came in me,
So dar-ling, dar-ling,
Cum in me, oohhh, cum in me,
Oh, cum, cum in me, cum in me.
182
Cumming Mother
(To: Waltzing Matilda)
Once a jolly 'Stralian came to California,
"I'm gonna make me a fortune" said he,
And he worked and he hashed,
As he waited for his cash to build.
"Who'll come a-hashin in Frisco with me?
Chorus
Hashing with Norman,
Cumming Mother Wheatley,
Who whould go a-hashing with such a man
as he?
And he worked and he ran and he hashed in
San Francisco,
"Who will come a-hashing in Frisco with me?"
And he worked with his toys,
In the Valley they call Silicon,
"Silicone's for titty-bumps, not fucking industry!"
So declared our Hashman, intelligent and
witty one,
Oh, what a sly and a cool one was he!
Up jumped a bunch of bucks, full of piss and
vinegar,
"Grab him, we'll make him our leader, will we!"
They selected him Grand Master,
And that was the down-fall of him,
"You'll go a-hashing, Grand Master, will ye"
Then there was that asshole, an Irishman of
little wit,
Bent on destruction and mayhem was he.
Out with his pal,
As if anyone would give a shit.
On with our hashing, our hashing went we.
Then came the Harriettes,
Surrounding their Grand Master,
Head like a bowling ball, moustachioed was
he.
And they teased his litle pecker-stick,
'Till it grew to a 3" dick,
"Who ya gonna please with that thing? Not
me!"
The economy it took a turn, and Tandem
took a turn with it,
"My fortune will never be found here" said
he.
So he filled his gut with Fosters',
And sent his shit by Quantas,
"Won't you come a-hashing in 'Stralia with
me?"
Good bye, then, to Norman-Cumming-
Mother-Wheatley,
Who would go a-hashing with such a man as
he?
And he wanked and he hashed,
And he went back to Australia,
Some day we'll come a-hashing in 'Stralia
with ye.
183
Daylight Come
(To: Daylight Come and I Want To Go
Home)
Chorus
Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Frozen ballocks and frozen cock,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Had a piss and froze to the block,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Drew me a katoey from the hat,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Didn't have a rubber now I've got the clap,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Drank a dozen down-downs before I puked,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Spewed on the GM and got rebuked,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Ended up in the Rock Hard 'round about dawn,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Got my pocket picked by a girl called Porn,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Now I've got to find cheap room and board,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
There I'll stay till the next maraud,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
184
Dead Dog Rover
(To: I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover)
(Line in parentheses repeated in harmony
pack.)
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran with the mower.
One leg is missing,
The other is gone,
The third leg is shredded,
All over the lawn.
You see there's no use explaining,
The one remaining,
It's spinning on the carport floor,
(the carport floor)
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran,
That I over ran,
That I over ran with the mower!
185
Dead Whore
(To: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean)
I passed a dead whore on the roadside,
I knew right away she was dead.
For the skin on her stomach was flaking,
She hadn't a hair on her head, her head.
She hadn't a hair on her head.
Chorus
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my dead whore to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my dead whore to me.
I first met my dead whore while hashing,
With a horrible snail-sucking face.
She'd roll them around on her tongue once,
And barf them back up in your face, your face,
And barf them back up in your face.
My dead whore looked into a gas tank,
The contents of it for to see,
I lit up a match to assist her.
Oh bring back my dead whore to me, to me,
Oh bring back my dead whore to me.
While nibbling dead whore's festered nipples,
A horrible thing to discuss,
I thought it was milk I was sucking,
But it turned out it was syphilitic pus, green
pus,
But it turned out it was syphilitic pus.
My dead whore's vagina was swelling,
A condition I thought would soon pass.
I stuck in my dick to explore it,
And she farted green gas from her ass, her ass,
She farted green gas from her ass.
I thought of a way of preserving,
My dead whore for posterity.
I'd dry her up like some beef jerky,
With a leathery twat just for me, for me,
With a leathery twat just for me.
I French-kissed my dead whore named Merly,
I thought she was giving me tongue,
But after an evening of kissing,
I found it was maggots from her lung, her lung,
I found it was maggots from her lung.
(Continued...)
Once upon thinking it over,
I realized my terrible sin.
So I stuck my lips to her sweet pussy,
And sucked out the load I shot in, shot in,
And sucked out the load I shot in,.
But before I could extract that jism,
My dead whore was pregnant and more.
Inside the maternity morgue,
She gave birth to a dead baby whore, a whore!
She gave birth to a dead baby whore.
(Change to the tune of "Born Free")
Born dead, your baby was born dead,
Three fingers and no head,
Born dead to live in a jar.
Stay dead, don't come back to haunt me;
You really don't want me.
Born dead to live in a jar.
(see "Born Dead" for more verses)
186
Diamond Lily
(To: Do You Ken John Peel)
Oh, her name is Diamond Lily,
She's a whore in Picadilly,
And her brother has a brothel in the Stand,
Her father sells his arsehole,
At the Elephant and Castle,
They're the richest fucking family in the land.
There's a man deep in a dungeon,
With his hand upon his truncheon,
And the shadow of his prick upon the wall,
And the ladies as they pass,
Stick their hat-pins up his ass,
And the little mice play billiards with his balls.
There's a little green urinal,
To the north of Waterloo,
And another a little further up,
There's a member of our school,
Playing tunes upon his tool,
While the passers-by put pennies in his cup. Have you met my Uncle Hector,
He's a cock and ball inspector,
At a celebrated public school,
And my brother sells French Letters,
And a patent cure for wetters,
We're not the best of families, ain't it cool?
187
Dickey Louse
(To: Mickey Mouse Theme)
Who's the little blood sucker that's after you
and me?
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
Hi there, hey there, ho there, he's as hungry
as can be,
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!)
Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!)
Forever may he hold your hairy crotch,
Tight, Tight, Tight!
When you join up at the hips he'll jump from
you to me!
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
(Slowly)
D-I-C, Eat you real soon!
K-E-Y, Why? Because I like you! (pointing)
L-O-U-S-Eeee!
188
Did You Ever See?
Oh, I got an Aunty Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed,
And the nipple's double jointed.
Chorus
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before.
I've got a cousin Daniel,
And he's got a cocker spaniel,
If you tickled 'im in the middle,
He would lift his leg and piddle.
Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert,
He plays outside half for Newport,
They think so much about him,
That they always play without him.
Oh, I've got a cousin Anna,
And she's got a grand piana,
And she'd 'ammer, 'ammer, 'ammer,
Till the neighbors say "God damn her."
Oh, I've got a brother Mike,
Who rides a motor bike,
He can get from here to Gower,
In a quarter of an hour.
189
Dinah
Shout the words in capital letters.
Chorus
Dinah, Dinah show us your leg,
Show us your leg, show us your leg.
Dinah, Dinah show us your leg,
A yard above your knee.
I wish I were the diamond ring,
On Dinah's dainty hand.
Then every time she wiped her ass,
I'd see the promised LAND! LAND! LAND!
The rich girl rides a limousine,
The poor girl rides a truck.
But the only ride that Dinah has,
Is when she has a RIGHT GOOD FUCK!
The rich girl uses a sanitary towel,
The poor girl uses a sheet.
But Dinah uses nothing at all,
Leaves a trail along the STREET! STREET!
STREET!
The rich girl wears a ring of gold,
The poor girl one of brass.
But the only ring that Dinah wears,
Is the one around her ASS! ASS! ASS!
The rich girl wears a brassiere,
The poor Girl uses string,
But Dinah uses nothing at all,
She let's the bastards SWING! SWING! SWING!
The rich girl uses Vaseline,
The poor uses lard.
But Dinah uses axle grease,
Because her cunt's so HARD! HARD! HARD!
The rich girls work in factories,
The poor girls work in stores.
But Dinah works in a honky-tonk,
With forty other WHORES! WHORES!
WHORES!
190
Do It Yourself Country and Western Song
I met her ___1___ ___2___;
I can still recall ___3___ she wore.
She was ___4___ ___5___,
And I knew ___6___.
___7___ I'd ___8___ forever;
She said to me ___9___,
But who'd have thought she'd ___10___ ___11___;
___12___ goodbye.
(Options for Item No. 1)
on the highway
in Sheboygan
outside Fresno
at a truck stop
on probation
in a jail cell
in a nightmare
incognito
in the Stone Age
in a treehouse
in a gay bar
(Options for Item No. 2)
in September
at McDonald's
ridin' shotgun
wrestlin' gators
all hunched over
poppin' uppers
sort of pregnant
with joggers
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin
dead all over (Options for Item No. 3)
that purple dress
that little hat
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts
(Options for Item No. 4)
sobbin' at the toll booth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
weighted down with Twinkies
breakin' out with acne
crawlin' through the prairie
smellin' kind of funny
crashin' through the guardrail
chewin' on a hangnail
talkin' in Swahili
drownin' in the quicksand
slurpin' up linguini
(Options for Item No. 5)
in the twilight
but I loved her
by the off-ramp
near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led-Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu
(Options for Item No. 6)
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she'd bought her dentures in a store
that she would be a crashing bore
I'd never rate her more than
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I'd have to scrape her off the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor
(Options for Item No. 7)
I promised her
I knew deep down
She asked me if
I told her shrink
The judge declared
My Pooh Bear said
I shrieked in pain
The painters knew
A Klingon said
My hamster thought
The blood test showed
Her rabbi said
(Options for Item No. 8)
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hate her dog
pick my nose
play with it
salivate
(Options for Item No. 9)
our love would never die
there was no other guy
man wasn't meant to fly
that Nixon didn't lie
her basset hound was shy
that Rolaids made her high
she'd have a swiss on rye
she loved my one blue eye
her brother's name was Hy
she liked
that birthdays made her cry
she couldn't stand my tie
(Options for Item No. 10)
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it
black out
bobsled
grovel
(Options for Item No. 11)
with my best friend
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on her broomstick
with her dentist
on her Harley
with a robot
with no clothes on
at her health club
in her Maytag
with her guru
while in labor
(Options for Item No. 12)
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked
191
Do Your Balls Hang Low?
(To: Sailor's Hornpipe)
Do your balls hang low?
Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder,
Like a Continental soldier?
Can you do the double shuffle,
When your balls hang low?
Chorus
Ting-a-ling, God damn,
Find a woman if you can.
If you can't find a woman,
Find a clean old man.
If you're ever in Gibraltar,
Take a flying fuck at Walter.
Can you do the double shuffle,
When your balls hang low?
(Substitute following for lines 5 & 6
of the first verse to make new ones:)
Does your sack begin to wear,
When you drag them does it tear?
Do they make a lusty clamor,
When you hit them with a hammer?
Do they have a hollow sound,
When you drag 'em on the ground?
Can you bounce 'em off the wall,
Like an Indian rubber ball?
Do they have a mellow tingle,
When you hit 'em with a shingle?
Do they have a salty taste,
When you wrap 'em 'round your waist?
Do they chime like a gong,
When you pull upon your dong?
When you dance cheek to cheek,
Does she stumble on your meat?
If you swung them round and round,
Would the wind blow her down?
When your girlfriend died in bed,
Did she smother giving head?
192
Do, Re, Mi, Drink
(To: Do, Re, Mi)
Originally from "The Simpsons", this lyric
has become popular at Interhashes.
(warmup)
Ahem, La la la la, *ahem* LAAAAAAA!
(sing)
Dough, the stuff that buys me beer,
Ray, the guy who sells me beer,
Me, the guy who drinks the beer,
Far, a long way to get beer,
So, I'll have another beer,
La, I'll have another beer,
Tea, no thanks, I'm drinking beer,
That will bring us back to,
(Look into an empty glass)
Duhoooooh!
193
Doggies' Meeting
(To: They Called the Wind Moriah)
The doggies held a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by motorcycle,
Some came by motorcar.
As each doggie passed the entrance,
Each doggie signed the book,
Each doggie hung his asshole,
Upon his very own hook.
And when they were assembled,
Each mother, son and sire,
A dirty little mongrel,
Got up and shouted "FIRE!"
The dogs they were in panic,
They had no time to look,
Each doggie grabbed an asshole,
From the nearest hook.
A dog is often listless,
For it is very sore,
To wear another dog's asshole,
He's never worn before.
And that's the only reason,
A dog will leave his bone,
To sniff another dog's asshole,
To see if it's his own.
194
Don't Say No
Oh my darling, don't say no,
Onto the sofa you must go.
Up with your petticoat,
Down with your drawers,
You tickle mine
And I'll tickle yours.
195
Don't That Bastard Get any Bigger?
(To: Put Another Log On the Fire)
Don't that bastard get any bigger?
I bet some bitch bit off the last three feet,
It's wrinkled like a six week old banana,
And got a limp a cripple couldn't beat.
Come on, baby,
Can't you make it go any faster?
And don't forget to let me get there first.
Don't that bastard get any bigger?
You're lucky someone understands,
like me.
Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
And don't forget my birthday's in a week,
What about the tennis courts you promised,
And how about Hawaii for a break?
Come on, baby,
Climb another rung in that ladder,
You haven't had a pay raise since New Year's.
Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
You're lucky someone understands, like me.
Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
Jesus, why do you have to work so hard?
You never stay at home on the weekends,
No wonder your banana's never ripe.
Come on, baby,
You hang around the office 'til all hours,
I bet you've got a brand new secretary,
Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
You're lucky someone understands, like me.
196
Down in Wyoming
(To: Home on the Range)
Twas down in Wyoming,
Where the bullshit lies thick,
I was riding along, my hand on my dick.
When whom should I see,
But the girl I adore,
It was Charlotte the harlot,
The cowpuncher's whore.
She's randy, she's dandy,
She's my heart's delight.
I fuck her by day and,
I fuck her by night.
And each time I fuck her,
I pump in a quart,
If you don't call that fucking,
You fucking well ought!
197
Drink
(To: Sing!)
Drink,
Drink a beer,
Belch out loud,
Belch out clear,
Drink of good times, we run,
Drink of plenty, not one.....
Drink,
Drink the brew,
Down it quickly, this beer we give to you,
Don't worry that it's not good enough,
For anyone else to down,
Just drink,
Drink the beer.....
Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp...
(Substituting each word with "burp") 198
Drink, Drink, Drink to Hamersley Hash
House Harriers
Just a small contribution from Hamersley
Hash. At their 1000th run, one of the many
acts was that of the three tenors. Included
was this song. The tune is obvious.
Drink, Drink, drink to Hamersley Hash
House Harriers they're number one,
Drink, drink, drink to hamersley Hash House
harriers they haver become,
The greatest Hash club the world's ever seen,
Love them or hate them you'll know there're
the cream.
We know the Harriettes enjoy them so much,
A tingling feeling invades their crutch,
Drink, drink,drink to their health,
Drink, drink, drink to their wealth,
Drink, drink, drink, let every true Hasher
salute Hamersley.
199
Drunken Hasher
(To: Drunken Sailor)
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
After all the down-downs?
Chorus
There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes,
There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes,
There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes,
After all the down-downs.
Take away his whistle and send him on a BT,
He'll take a wizz behind the old oak tree,
Then he'll blow his nose on his old shirty,
After all the down-downs.
Then we'll shave his ass with a rusty razor,
Shave his crotch with a new fangled lazer,
Zap him in the ass with a copper's tazer,
After all the down-downs.
Shove a bag of flour up his asshole,
Soak it up with beer and add a piece of coal,
Then stand back boys he's gonna blow,
After all the down-downs.
Put him in the back of the old hash wagon,
Drag him by a rope from the old hash wagon,
Kick him in the ass behind the old hash wagon,
After all the down-downs.
Send him home with the old hashit,
He won't know--how he got it,
'next weeks hash and throw a fit,
After all the down-downs.
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
After all the down-downs. 200
Drunken Sailor
(To: Drunken Sailor)
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
What shall we do with the drunken sailor,
Earlye in the morning?
Chorus
Way hey and up she rises,
Way hey and up she rises,
Way hey and up she rises,
Earlye in the morning?
Put him into bed with the captain's daughter,
Put him into bed with the captain's daughter,
Put him into bed with the captain's daughter,
Earlye in the morning?
(Substitute these lines for 1-3 above
for more verses)
Hang him by the balls in a running bowline...
Tie his prick in a double half-hitch...
Shave his crotch with a rusty razor...
Bare his bum for the horny sailors...
On his hands and knees like a dog now...
Shove a hose pipe up his asshole...
Have him whipped by a lovely sadist...
Shove it in his mouth when you're cumming...
Use his face for a pissin' contest...
That's what we'll do with the drunken sailor...
201
Dunkirk
(To: It's a Long Way to Tipperary, Pack
marches in a circle and imitates the lyrics.)
It's a long way to Tipperary,
It's a long way to go,
It's a long way to Tipperary,
I walked it, so I know,
Good bye, Sticky Willie,
Farewell, pubic hair,
It's a long way to Tipperary,
And I've never been there.
Sperm in soldier's ball bag,
(pack grabs crotch)
Dog barking,
(someone barks)
Cock crowing,
(someone crows)
Distant marching,
(stamp feet)
Sergeant shouting,
(someone shouts like a sergeant)
Luftenbastards attacking,
pack makes shooting gestures with
arms outstretched.)
Biggles and the R.A.F.
(As pack wheels, they circle there
eyes with fingers as goggles, making
shooting noises.)
Anti-aircraft fire
(Pack imitates pom-pom weapons.)
202
Durex is a Girl's Best Friend
(To: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend)
A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental,
Durex is a girl's best friend,
You may get the works, but you won't be parental.
As he slides it in,
You trust that good old latex skin.
As he lets fly, none gets by,
'Cos it's all gathered up in the end.
This little precaution,
Avoids an abortion,
Durex is a girl's best friend.
203
Dying Harlot
(To: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)
Oh, a strapping young harlot lay dying,
A pisspot supporting her head,
And all the young bludgers were 'round her,
As she leaned on her left tit and said,
"I've been fucked by the Duchies and Gypsies,
I've been fucked by the Spaniards so tall,
I've been fucked by the English and Irish,
In fact, I've been fucked by them all.
A dirty old harlot lay dying,
A pisspot supporting her head,
All around her the bludgers were crying,
As she leaned on her left tit and said,
"I've been fucked by the French and the English,
The Germans, the Japs, and the Jews,
And now I've come back to Australia,
To be buggered by bastards like you."
"So haul back your filthy old foreskins,
And give me the pride of your nuts",
So they hauled back the filthy old foreskins,
And played Home Sweet Home on her guts."
The dirty old harlot lay dying,
A cunt-rag supported her head,
The blow flies around her were buzzing,
As she turned on her left tit and said,
"I've been fucked by the army and navy,
By a bull-fighting toreador,
By dildos and doggies and donkeys,
Never by blow flies before."
"So wrap me up in foreskins and Frenchies,
And bury me deep down below,
Where all those young bludgers can't catch
me,
The place where all good harlots go." 204
The E-Coli Man
(To: The Candy Man)
Who works in a meat plant,
(who works in a meat plant)
Doesn't wash his hands,
(doesn't wash his hands)
Sticks 'em in the burger,
When he comes back from the can.
The E-Coli man,
The E-Coli man,
The E-Coli man,
'Cause he mixes it with sauce,
And makes the germs taste good,
Makes the germs taste good.
Who takes pepperoni,
(who takes pepperoni)
Rubs it on his butt,
(rubs it on his butt)
Slices it and sells it,
To the local Pizza Hut.
The E-Coli man...
Who can take a ribeye,
(who can take a ribeye)
Feed it to his dog,
(feed it to his dog)
Cut the sucker open,
And make a shish-kabob.
The E-Coli man...
Who can take a t-bone,
(who can take a t-bone)
Put it on a shelf,
(put it on a shelf)
Pull it out next Christmas,
And feed it to an elf.
The E-Coli man... 205
Eat-Bite Song
Chorus
Eat-bite fuck suck gobble nibble chew,
Nipple busom hair-pie finger-fuck screw,
Moose-piss cat-pud Orangutang-tit,
Sheep-pussy camel-crap pig-n-lion shit.
I went to a party and what they do?
They took off their socks and took off their
shoes.
They took off their shirts and took off their
pants.
I had a hunch we wern't gonna dance.
Everybody's Everybody's ass was bare.
No broads left, just a queer over there.
The whole damn thing didn't phase me a bit.
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some
tit.
Now my baby's not a sports-fan.
But she plays the balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see.
Is playing tonsil... hockey.
206
Emerald Coast HHH
(To: Bad, Bad Leroy Brown)
In the panhandle of Florida,
There's a group that loves to hash.
They're from the Emerald Coast,
As their T-shirts boast and,
They can sure throw a hell of a bash.
They got a hundred or two hash house harriers,
And they like to have a lot of fun.
They eat their red beans and rice,
While drinking beer as cold as ice,
And they have even been known to run.
Chorus
And they're the Emerald Coast Hash House
Harriers,
They've been known to run through any barriers,
'Cause they're as crazy as the day is long,
And known to show their ass or sing a song.
It's hares away and off they're running,
Dropping flour from a plastic sack.
They mark the intersections,
With hash in all directions,
So they can split and bring together the pack.
The FRB's are shouting "On On!",
As the pack asks the question "Are You?"
They claim they're on the right trail,
And the check is in the mail,
Because a virgin missed a Check Back Two.
They're getting closer to the On Home,
A P-Check brings the pack in tight.
Just a little more shiggy,
But they're squealing like a piggy,
'Cause the Beer Near is in sight!
After running for an hour,
Through the nastiest parts around,
The hares all wail,
That they have laid the perfect trail,
But their reward will be a double Down Down.
And the night turns into morning,
They have acted like a bunch of fools.
They took short-cuts,
And showed their tits and butts,
But that's okay because there are no rules!
207
The Engineer Song
(To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home)
An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-hum, ah-hum.
An engineer told me before he died,
I have no reason to believe he lied,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
Ah-hum, ah-hum.
He had a wife with a cunt so wide,
That she could never be satisfied,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.
So he built a bloody great wheel, ...
Two balls of brass and a prick of steel, ...
The balls of brass he filled with cream, ...
And the whole fucking issue was driven by
steam, ...
He tied her to the leg of the bed, ...
Tied her hands above her head, ...
There she lay demanding a fuck, ...
He shook her hand and wished her luck, ...
'Round and 'round went the bloody great
wheel, ...
In and out went the prick of steel, ...
Up and up went the level of steam, ...
Down and down went the level of cream, ...
'Till at last the maiden cried, ...
Enough, enough, I'm satisfied, ...
Now we come to the tragic bit, ...
There was no way of stopping it, ...
She was split from ass to tit, ...
And the whole fucking thing was covered in
shit, ...
It jumped off her, it jumped on him, ...
And then it buggered their next of kin, ...
It jumped on an uptown bus, ...
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss, ...
The last time, Sir, that prick was seen, ...
It was over in England fucking the Queen, ...
There is a moral to the story I tell, ...
If you see it coming better run like hell, ...
Nine months later a child was born, ...
With two brass balls and a bloody great
horn, ...
208
The Fart
(To: Mademoiselle from Armentieres)
There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of eighty-two,
Did a fart but missed the loo, inky, pinky,
parlez-vous.
The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down the street,
Knocked a copper off his feet, inky, pinky,
parlez-vous.
The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous,
The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous,
The copper got out his rusty pistol,
Shot the fart from here to Bristol, inky,
pinky, parlez-vous.
Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous,
Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous,
Bristol Rovers playing at home,
Kicked the fart from here to Rome, inky,
pinky, parlez-vous.
Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous,
Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous,
Julius Caesar drinking gin,
Opened his gob and the fart went in, inky,
pinky, parlez-vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez-vous,
The fart went rolling down his spine,
Knocked his ballocks out of line, inky,
pinky, parlez-vous.
209
Farting Contest
I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best arses paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.
Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale.
While others whose arses are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.
Now this year's event had drawn quite a big
crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McLeod.
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.
Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with
ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.
The Vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band.
"The contest is on as is shown in the bills.
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."
Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers.
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see this day.
Now, young Mrs. Pothole was backed for a
place,
Though she'd often been placed in the
deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart that had beaten the organ,
And the poor Vicar, Old Jonathan Morgan.
The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first
fart.
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless ammounced gale
warnings and thunder.
Now Mrs. McLeod reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind
and pride.
So she took up her place and her ass opened
wide,
But unluckily shit and was disqualified.
Then young Mrs. Pothole was called to the
front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt.
She took a deep breath and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.
That left Mrs. Bindle, who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances
were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.
With hands on her hips she stood farting alone.
And the crowd stood amazed at the
sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or
pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bindle. Now pull up
your drawers."
But with muscles welll tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart.
Beginning with Chopin and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the
King!
She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the Vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the Vicar with sweetness
sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."
210
Father Abraham
Good warmup song when it's cold or while
waiting to run.
Chorus
Father Abraham had seven sons.
And seven sons had Father Abraham.
And he never laughed,
And he never cried,
All he did was go like this.
With a left. (Hold left arm out, moving hand
to vertical and back again, and sing chorus
while doing it.)
(Stop moving arm and drop to side, then
start over.)
With a left, (Start moving left arm again.)
And a right. (Start moving right arm in same
fashion at same time as left, then sing chorus
again while doing so. This goes on adding
movements in order with each verse.)
With a left,
And a right,
And a left (Start moving left leg back an
forth to side along with the arms.)
With a left,
And a right,
And a left,
And a right, (Now you are doing jumping
jacks)
(Repeat the limb positions, then:)
And a Hooh! (Thrust out your butt, do
chorus with the jumping jacks, shouting
"Hooh!" and doing the butt thrust after
"Father Abraham and at the end of each line
except the last.)
(Repeat the previous positions, then:)
And a Hah! (Thrust your pevis forward and
ending with the chorus like this:)
Father Abraham (Hooh! Hah!) had seven
sons (Hooh! Hah!)
And seven sons had Father Abraham (Hooh!
Hah!)
And he never laughed (Hooh! Hah!)
And he never cried (Hooh! Hah!)
All he did was go like this- (Thrust out your
butt, grab your ankles, and make a loud
farting noise.) 211
Fireman's Song
Clang, clang, clang,
And the goddamn fire went out.
Oh for the life of a fireman,
To ride on a fire engine red,
To say to a team of white horses,
"Give me head, give me head, give me head!"
My father is a fireman,
He puts out fires.
My brother is a fireman,
He puts out fires.
My sister Sal is a fireman's gal,
She puts out too.
212
First Time
The sky was blue,
The sun was high,
We were alone,
Just she and I,
Her hair was brown,
Her body fine.
I ran my hand along her spine,
With some courage,
I did my best.
I placed my hand upon her breast,
My other hand shook,
As did my heart,
I gently spread her legs apart,
I knew she was ready,
But I didn't know how.
It was the first time,
I milked a cow. 213
Foggy Dew
Well, I am a bachelor; I live by myself,
I work at the weaver's trade.
And the only lowly thing I ever did that was
wrong,
Was to woo a fair young maid.
I wooed her in the summer time,
And in the winter too.
But the only lowly thing I ever did that was
wrong,
Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
One night this maid came to my bed,
Where I lay fast asleep.
She laid her head upon my chest,
And then began to weep.
She sighed, she cried, she damn near died.
She said, "What shall I do?"
So I took her into bed and I covered up her
head
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
All through the first part of the night,
We did laugh and play.
And through the latter part of the night,
She slept in my arms 'till day.
Then when the sun shone on our bed,
She cried, "I am undone."
"Hold your tongue you silly girl.
The foggy, foggy dew is gone."
Now I am a bachelor; I live with my son.
I work at the weaver's trade,
And every time I look into his face
He reminds me of the fair young maid.
He reminds me of the summer time,
And the winter too,
And the many, many times I took her in my
arms
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew. 214
Follow the Hash
(To: Follow the Flag)
Adaptations of old military favorites
contribute to several hash songs. Here's a
military diddy converted by Pole Pounder in
Mannheim HHH and and since spread
worldwide.
Chorus
Singing,
Hey jigga-jig,
Fuck a little pig,
Follow the hash,
Follow the hash,
Follow the hash,
Hey jigga-jig,
Fuck a little pig,
Follow the hash,
Follow the hash all the way.
(harriettes substitute "boyfriend's" and "he")
My girlfriend's a hasher, a hasher, a hasher,
A mighty fine hasher is she,
(pack echoes, "Is she!")
All day long she lays trail,
She lays trail, she lays trail,
And when she comes home she lays me.
(Substitute the following combinations for
more verses.)
Harriers' Verses:
Glassblower/she blows glass/blows me.
Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me.
Waitress/makes tips/tips me.
Singer/hums tunes/hums me.
Nurse/takes temps/takes me.
Prostitute/fucks you/goes to sleep.
Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine.
Typist/pecks keys/pecks me.
Baker/kneads bread/needs me.
Dancer/does steps/does me.
Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me.
Harriettes' Verses:
Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me.
Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me.
Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum.
Guitarist/plays licks/licks me.
Hasher/runs trail/snores.
Tailor/sews thread/sews me.
Pimp/beats whores/beats me.
Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me.
Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me.
Postman/stuffs letter boxes/stuffs me.
Student/fucks off/fucks me.
Plumber/lays pipe/lays me.
Postman/licks stamps/licks me.
Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me.
Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me.
Lawyer/fucks you/fucks me.
Dentist/drills you/drills me .
Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me.
Psychoanalyst/analyzes patients/anal-izes me.
Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me.
215
Fondle Me With Care
(To: Handle Me With Care)
I've been sucked off and I've been struck down,
I've been pulled off and I've been pulled around,
But you're the best fuck that I've ever found,
Fondle me with care.
Chorus
I'm so tired of feeling horny,
I still have some cum to give,
Won't you show me all your pubic hairs,
Everybody, wants somebody, to cream on,
Put your body, next to mine, and dream on.
I've had it thin and I've had it thick,
Had my lumps and I've had my licks,
But when you play with my prick,
Fondle me with care.
(Continued...) I've got big red bloodshot eyes,
We stayed up and drank all night,
When I exposed myself to your wife,
She fondled me with care.
Well I flashed my dick and terrorized,
Put my tongue between your thighs,
Bend over baby and I'll sodomize,
Fondle me with care.
Well, my balls are tight and I've made a mess,
I'll have to clean up my act I guess,
Let me put my hand up your dress, and,
Fondle you with care.
216
Fornication
(To: Alouette)
Chorus
Fornication, I like fornication,
Fornication, I like to fornicate.
Songmaster: How I like to bump and grind.
Pack: Yes, he likes to bump and grind.
Songmaster: Bump and grind.
Pack: Bump and grind.
Songmaster: Fornicate.
Pack: Fornicate.
All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ...
Songmaster: How I love to be on top.
Pack: Yes, he loves to be on top.
Songmaster: Be on top.
Pack: Be on top.
Songmaster: Bump and grind.
Pack: Bump and grind.
Songmaster: Fornicate.
Pack: Fornicate.
All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ...
(Continue adding lines from the additional
verses below.)
How I love...
...It from behind
...To slam the salami
...To drive it in deep
...To bark like a dog
...It doggie style
...To pump and hump
...To ground her mound
...To give jungle love
...It in the dirt
...It on the sand
...It on a boat
...It in a car
...It in plane
...It on a bus
...It on a ... etc.
(See "Masturbation" for another song to
naturally follow this one.)
217
Found a Penis
(To: Found a Peanut)
More appropriate for harriettes to sing.
Harriers can substitute pussy for penis.
Found a penis,
Found a penis,
Found a penis ri-ight now.
Right now I found a penis,
Found a penis ri-ight now.
It was dripping,
It was dripping,
It was dripping ri-ight now.
Right now it was a dripping,
It was dripping ri-ight now.
Ate it anyway,
Ate it anyway,
Ate it anyway ri-ight now.
Right now I ate it anyway,
Ate it anyway ri-ight now.
(Continued...)
(Do the following lines in the same fashion
as above)
Got the cla-app.
In my mou-outh.
Saw the doctor.
Took the needle.
Found another dick.
It looked healthy.
So I ate it.
Got si-ick.
Saw the doctor.
It was a-aids.
Then I di-ied.
Went to Hea-ven.
Found a Penis.
Ate it anyway.
(Make up your own variations)
218
Fuck a Duck
(To: Do Re Me)
Fuck a duck, a female duck,
Screw a baby kangaroo.
Finger-bang an orangutang,
Let an elephant do you.
Fell the penis of an eel,
Whack! the asshole of a yak.
Masturbate with a gnu,
And that will bring you back to,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
(repeat as needed) 219
Fuck the Giant Penis
(To: Puff the Magic Dragon)
Once a pure white virgin,
Lived by the sea,
She frolicked over pastoral fields,
Her name Virginity.
A sweet young lass of just sixteen,
A rosebud ripe and firm,
She wandered o'er the verdant hills,
Not knowing of the sperm.
Chorus
Well, fuck the giant penis lived not so far away,
His cock was damn near two feet long,
He poked one twice a day,
He was an Ivy Leaguer, with vest and
pinstriped shirt,
He drove a Roadster XKE, that sexed-up extrovert.
One day while he was roaming,
Round the rural strips,
He spied her picking flowers there,
That bitch with swinging hips.
He jumped out of the driver's seat,
And grabbed her by the ass,
He tore off all her clothing,
And laid her in the grass.
Her maiden head was busted,
The ground ran bloody red,
He poked her till the twilight came,
Then took her home to bed,
He poked her till the sun rose,
She begged for more and more.
He turned that pure white virgin,
Into to a fucking whore! 220
Fucking Hell She's Ugly
(To: All I Want is a Room Somewhere)
All I want is a whore somewhere,
Great big labia, no pubic hair,
Open mouth with no teeth there,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
Great big tits that hang so slack,
One is yellow and the other is black,
Oh boy, have you seen her crack.
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She's got stretch marks on her guts,
Just like all the other sluts,
An abortion mark that opens and shuts.
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
Took her home to meet my mum.
Dad saw her and nearly come,
"Son," he said, "have you seen her bum?"
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She's hunch backed with a broken nose,
Got one club foot with an ingrown toe.
Her menstrual flow comes out of her nose.
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She's got acne you wouldn't believe,
Broken teeth and breath like cheese.
Her pubic hair is alive with fleas.
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She wears a wig 'cos she's got no hair,
The shit cling to her underwear.
I should know 'cos I've been there,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She buys her clothes in Pasar Baru,
To keep them on she uses glue.
When I take her out my friends all spew,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
Her wooden leg is far too short,
Her one glass eye's got a list to port.
I've shagged her mum, she's such a sport,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
I met her when she was thirty-five,
I looked into those criss-cross eyes.
It was hard to tell if she were dead or alive,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She said, "Grab me by the private parts."
As I did she blew a fart.
Followed with a grunt from within her cunt,
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
She said, "Grab me again while the feeling lasts."
Then you can poke it up my arse.
I said, "No, I think I'll pass."
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
Now she's dead and there ain't no more,
I fucked to death that rotten whore.
My balls are red and my prick's so sore.
Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly.
221
The Full Moon Howlers
(To: Sejle Opad Aaen)
Danish traditional tune, "Sailing Up the
River"
We are the full mOOn ho-o-o-o-o-owlers
Sly mid-night prow-lers are we,
We "mOOn" the spooks,
Drink wit-ches' brew,
'Cause we're sons of bit-ches just like you,
We live by the ca-nine co-o-o-o-o-o-odex,
Hear up, we'll teach it to you:
"If you can't eat,
or screw it, then,
Piss on it, Piss on it, once a-gain!"
For we are the full mOOn ho-o-o-o-o-owlers,
HO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-WL. 222
Furburger King
(To: Burger King jingle)
Hold my pickle, I'll eat your lettuce,
Cunnilingus don't upset us,
All we ask is that you let us have it your way.
Have it your way - sit on my face,
Have it your way - give us a taste,
Have it your way at Furburger King.
223
Gang Bang
(To: Billboard March)
I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do,
Chorus
'Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good.
When I was younger, and in my prime,
I use to gang bang all the ti-i-ime.
But now I'm older, and turning gray,
I only gang bang twice a da-a-ay.
Songmaster:
"Knock-knock"
Pack:
Who's there?
Songmaster:
Ida
Pack:
Ida, who
Songmaster:
Ida want another gang bang,
Oh yes I do,
To Chorus
Songmaster:
"Knock-knock"
Pack:
Who's there? Songmaster:
Turner
Pack:
Turner who?
Songmaster:
Turn 'er over, let's have another gang bang,
Oh yes let's do,
To Chorus
Gladiator...
Glad he ate her out before the gang bang,
Oh yes he was...
Oliver...
All of 'er clothes were off at the gang bang,
Oh yes they were...
Ranger...
Arranger for best entry at the gang bang,
Oh yes let's do...
Peter Meter...
My peter'll meet her a the gang bang,
Oh yes it will...
Ben Dover...
Bend over and have another gang bang,
Oh yes let's do...
Dolly Parton...
Dolly's partin' her thighs at the gang bang,
Oh yes she is...
Bob...
Bob down and let's have another gang bang,
Oh yes let's do...
Orange...
Orange you glad I didn't say,
Bob down and let's have another gang bang,
Oh yes let's do...
Yurin...
Yearning for sloppy seconds at the gang bang,
Oh yes I am... Tiajuana...
Do ya wanna bring your mother to the gang
bang,
Oh yes you do...
Kissinger...
Kissing 'er's great, but fuckin' 'er's better,
At the gang bang, oh yes it is...
Betty...
Bet he'll have a sore dick after the gang bang,
Oh yes he will...
Orange...
Aren't you glad your at the gang bang,
Oh yes you are...
Aspen...
I spend too much time at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Europa...
You rope her to the bed post for the gang bang,
Oh yes you do...
Alexander...
I licks under her ass at the gang bang,
Oh yes I do...
Irish...
I wish we were at the gang bang,
Oh yes I do...
Virginia...
Virgins are welcome at the gang bang,
Oh yes they are...
Shelby...
She'll be sore after the gang bang,
Oh yes she will...
Anita...
I need a little rest before the gang bang,
Oh yes I do... Dairy...
Dare we invite_____to the gang bang,
Oh yes we should...
Mountain grown...
Mount and groan at the gang bang,
Oh yes we will...
Police...
P-lease take me to the gang bang,
Oh yes please do...
Charlotte...
Sure lot of fucking at the gang bang,
Oh yes there is...
Platypus...
Plenty O puss at the gang bang,
Oh yes there is...
Howard...
How were the tits at the gang bang,
Oh they were great...
Martha...
More the merrier at the gang bang,
Oh yes it is...
Theodore...
The ole door was locked at the gang bang,
Oh yes it was...
Extinct ...
It stinked like fish at the gang bang,
Oh yes it did...
Maybell...
Maybe she'll do us all the gang bang,
Oh yes she will...
Chester...
Chests'll be everywhere at the gang bang,
Oh yes they will...
Ilene...
I leaned her over the couch at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did... Sharon...
Share and share alike at the gang bang,
Oh yes we will...
Heada...
Had a lot of sex at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Bender...
Bend her over the counter at the gang bang,
Oh yes we will...
Sam and Janet...
Sam and Janet evening I'd have a gang bang,
Oh yes they will...
Mason Dixon...
My son's dick's in the girl at gang bang,
Oh yes it is...
Shirley...
Surely you got laid at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Ima...
I'm a glad we had this gang bang,
Oh yes I am...
Tijuana...
Tijuana bring your mama to the gang bang,
Oh yes you do...
Eisenhower...
It's an hour late for the gang bang,
Oh yes it is...
Witchy...
Whichy one you gonna fuck at the gang bang,
Oh which one...
Hedda...
Hedda lotta sex at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Adolph...
I ate off the bed at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did... Dixie...
My dick's erect at the gang bang,
Oh yes it is...
Satellite...
Sat alot on her face at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Eaton...
She'll be "eat'n" everybody at the gang bang,
Oh yes she will...
Kenya...
Can ya give me directions to the gang bang,
Oh yes you can...
Pasteur...
Passed her over me twice at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
Abbott...
I bet you won't be alone at the gang bang,
Oh no you won't...
Comrade...
Come right on over to the gang bang,
Oh yes you come...
Eileen...
Eileen her over the sofa at the gang bang,
Oh yes I will...
Mikey...
I lost my keys to the handcuffs at the gang bang,
Oh yes I did...
M.R...
M.R. some nice tits at the gang bang,
Oh yes they are...
Mister Bush...
Mister Bush and came on her stomach gang
bang, Oh yes he did...
Charlie Pride...
Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang,
Oh yes he did... Turner...
Turner over and have another gang bang,
Oh yes he did...
Charlie Pryde...
Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang,
Oh yes he did...
Lena...
Lean 'er up against the door and we'll gang bang,
Oh yes we will...
Banana...
(Everyone turns in circles
then in place of chorus)
Banana na na na na naa,
Na na na na, na na na na naa.
Na na na na na na naa,
Na na na na na na naa.
Orange...
Ar-en't you glad I didn't say,
(Everyone turns in circles
then in place of chorus)
Banana na na na na naa,
Na na na na, na na na na naa.
Na na na na na na naa,
Na na na na na na naa.
Stars and Stripes Forever.
(Pack does not reply with a question but
immediately begins the song Stars and
Stripes Forever using the "na na" for the
sounds, gathering and marching in line
behind the songmaster. This verse ends the
song.)
224
Gay Caballero
(To: I am a gay young caballero,)
I come from Rio de Janeiro,
I carry with me my weetrembeli,
And both of my latrabaleros. I met a gay young se orita,
Who gave me a dose of clapita,
Right on the end of my weetrembeli,
And both of my latrabaleros.
I went to a wise surgeano,
He said, "I prescribe purgeano."
He cut off the end of my weetrembeli
And both of my latrabaleros.
And now I'm a sad Cabellero,
Returning to Rio de Janeiro.
But not, as you see, with my weetrembeli,
And both of my latrabaleros.
At night as I lie on my pillow,
Seeking to finger my willow,
All I find there is a handful of hair,
And one dried up latrabalero.
225
The Gender Bender Song
(To: I will Survive)
I used to be a man,
Now I'm sterilized.
Thinking why do I need a woman,
Always by my side?
So now I spend so much time,
Simply playin' with myself,
You know I cum so well alone,
I don't need nobody else.
Oh no not I, I will survive,
I've had my HIV tested,
And I think I'll stay alive.
Maybe I gotta a month,
Or perhaps even two,
Who gives a shit anyway,
If I didn't fuck you
So turn your back,
Grease out your rear.
Stick out your arse now,
And I'll fuck you right here. It don't really matter,
If you're a guy or a girl
I am a Gender Bender,
I make the meek & humble hurl.
Oh, no not I, I will survive,
If you like forget the rubbers,
And we'll let this virus thrive.
I really don't give a shit,
'Cause it can't affect me,
Spread your cheeks now bitch,
I'll give you this one for free.
226
Get It Up
(To: Bonanza)
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my
hair do,
You've got a dick but you should lick, move
that tongue around,
Hit the spot, make me hot,
I will scream out loud.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my
hair do,
You've got a dick but you should lick, move
that tongue around,
Suck my toes, insert your hose,
Make my juices flow.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my
hair do,
You've got a dick but you should lick, move
that tongue around,
When I am done and I have cum,
We'll start another round.
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my
hair do,
You've got a dick but you should lick, move
that tongue around. 227
Gilligan's Island, The Real Story
(To: Gilligan's Island Theme)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started with a drippy dick,
And a cold sore on my lip.
The skipper started getting rough,
He grabbed my scrotum sack,
Pulled it back between my legs,
And shoved it up my crack.
The professor sucked off Mary Anne,
And Thurston Howell the 3rd,
Was nuzzlin' Gilligan's asshole,
Hopin' for a turd.
Mrs Howell and Ginger were doin' 69,
Ginger thought her period was late,
But it was right on time!
228
Gimme That Old Time Religion
(To: Give Me That Old Time Religion)
We will follow Zarathustra,
Zarathustra like we use to,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,
And he's good enough for me!
Chorus
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
Give me that old time religion,
'Cause it's good enough for me!
We will worship with the Buddha,
Among gods, there is none cuta,
Comes in silver, brass and pewta,
and it's good enough for me...
(Continued...) We will worship like the Druids,
Dancing naked in the woods,
Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And it's good enough for me!
We will pray with the Egyptians,
Build pyramids to put our crypts in,
cover our subways with inscriptions ,
and its good enough for me.
In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
229
Girl From Baltimore
Oh she went to the church just to pray for the
people,
But the funk of her cunt knocked the cross
off the steeple.
Chorus
She's a dirty motherfucker,
She's a rotten whore,
She's the girl from Baltimore
What did the Hasher say?
Bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum,
Titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum.
Oh she went to the well just to make a wish,
But the funk of her cunt killed off all the fish.
Oh she went for a ride on her motorcycle,
But the funk of her cunt knocked the chain
off the cycle.
She visited Jakarta on a medical trip,
But the funk of her cunt just continued to drip.
She laid a Wednesday run just for a caper,
Using the funk of her cunt instead of using paper.
She laid it round a . . . late one afternoon,
But the funk of her cunt knocked the star off
the moon. She took a short cut just to get back quicker,
But the funk of her cunt made the shiggy thicker.
She led them down a cliff just to test their reaction,
But the funk of her cunt made them lose all
their traction.
They made her sing a song at the end of the
day,
But the funk of her cunt made the circle go
away.
At last she was a leaving and we gave her a
mug,
But the funk of her cunt was enough to fill
her jug.
I tried to eat her out, but I was appalled,
Cause the funk from her cunt made me go bald.
She went to the doctor to get the pill,
But the funk of her cunt made the doctor ill.
Well she went and shaved her beave,
But the funk of her cunt made her boyfriend
heave.
Oh she ran down the tracks to shortcut the trail,
But the skunk from her cunt made the train
derail.
230
The Girl's Song
See The Boy's Song and Girl's Song 231
Give Me A Clone
(To: Home, Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone,
Of my own flesh and bone,
With its Y-chromosome changed to an X.
And when it is grown,
Then my own little clone,
Will be of the opposite sex.
Chorus
Clone, clone of my own,
With your Y-chromosome changed to an X,
And when I'm alone,
With my own little clone,
We will both think of nothing but sex.
Oh, give me a clone,
Is my sorrowful moan,
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she's an X,
Of the feminine sex,
Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone.
My heart's not of stone,
As I've frequently shown,
When alone with my own little X,
And after we've dined,
I'm sure we will find,
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.
Why should such sex vex,
Or disturb or perplex,
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don't you see,
Since we're both of us are me,
When we're having sex, I'm alone.
And after I'm done,
She'll still have her fun,
For I'll clone myself ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They'll be both of them male,
And they'll each ravish her by and by.
232
Give Me That Good Old Vino
I like my gin - it helps me get in,
But give me that good old vino.
I like my vino,
It gives me a schwing supremo.
Chorus
Aye-yi-yi-yi,
Si, si signora.
My sister Belinda she pissed out the window
And filled up my brand new sombrero.
I like my beer - it helps cure gonorrhea,
But give me that good old vino.
I like my liquor - it makes me cum quicker,
But give me that good old vino.
I like my brandy - it makes me feel randy,
But give me that good old vino.
I like my stout - it helps me get out,
But give me that good old vino.
I like my rum - it helps me to cum,
But give me that good old vino.
233
Give a Little Whistle
(To: Give a Little Whistle)
When you find the true trail,
And you want some com-pan-y,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle),
Give a little whis-tle (whistle).
When you meet temp-ta-tion,
And the urge to short-cut's strong,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle),
Give a little whis-tle (whistle).
Not just an "On-Onnn!"
Puck-er up and Blow!
And if their whistle's gone,
Yell, "Give 'em a down-down!"
Take the path that's laid with hash,
And if you see Beer Near,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle),
Give a little whis-tle (whistle),
And always let the hash marks be your guide.
234
Glorious, Victorious
Drunk last night,
Drunk the night before,
And I'm gonna get drunk tonight,
Like I've never been drunk before!
And when I'm drunk,
I'm as happy as can be,
'Cause I am a member of the Hash family.
Chorus
Singing Glorious, Victorious!
Hey!!!
One keg of beer for the four of us.
Singing Glory be to God that there are no
more of us,
'Cause one of us could drink it all alone,
Damn near, pass the beer, to the rear, of the
Hash House.
Beer, beer, beer, beer
Beer, beer, beer, beer
Drunk last night
Drunk the night before
Gonna get drunk tonight
Like I've never been drunk before
Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be
Cause we're all part of the Hash House family
Oh, the Hash family,
Is the best family,
To ever come over,
From the old country.
There's the High Hash Drunks
There's the Low Hash Drunks
There's the Asian Drunks
And the other damn drunks
Verses:
Tune: She'll be Coming Around the Mountain
There are no serious Hashers,
By the Bay, by the Bay.
There are no serious Hashers,
By the Bay, by the Bay.
'Cause they're all a bunch of queers,
Who get drunk on half a beer,
There are no serious Hashers by the Bay!
There are no serious Hashers in L A.
There are no serious Hashers in L A,
Because the smog blocks out the sun,
And they don't know how to run,
There are no serious Hashers in L A.
There are no serious Hashers in New York
There are no serious Hashers in New York
'cause they talk like Donald Duck
And they don't know how to fuck
There are no serious Hashers in New York
There are no serious Hashers in F L A
There are no serious Hashers in F L A
Because they all wear string bikinis
And the guys have little wienies
There are no serious Hashers in F L A
(Continued...) Oh there are no female Hashers in the Rockies
Oh there are no female Hashers in the Rockies
Cause when they're running through the trees
Their tits hang down to their knees
Oh there are no Female hashers in the Rockies
There are no serious Hashers in the Navy
There are no serious Hashers in the Navy
Because they're all on little boats
Making love to sheep and goats
There are no serious Hashers in the Navy
Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C.
Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C.
Cause they're taking all our money
While they're fucking our sweet honies
Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C.
There are no serious Hashers in K Y
There are no serious Hashers in K Y
'Cause they're all a bunch of Hicks
Who are playing with their pricks
There are no serious Hashers in K Y
There are no serious Hashers in Calgary
There are no serious Hashers in Calgary
'cause they'll wade through waist deep snow
Just to give a cow a blow
There are no serious Hashers in Calgary
There are no serious Hashers from the South
There are no serious Hashers from the South
With their necks of crimson red
and their cousins they will wed
It's a sure sign that they are all inbred
There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee
There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee
'cause the men all ride on Hogs
and the women howl like dogs
There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee
There are no serious hashers in Rumson
There are no serious hashers in Rumson
'cause there's no wimmin at their hashes
for sex they bugger their buddies asses
There are no serious hashers in Rumson 235
Gomez The Chihuahua
Well, I used to have a doggie and his name
was Little Gomez,
'Cause you see he was a Mexican Chihuahua.
There wasn't much of him, but what there
was, was all cajones.
He was certainly a randy little fella'.
Large dogs, small dogs, it mattered not to him,
The canine equivalent of Errol Flynn.
At the drop of a sombrero he'd jump up and
get stuffed in,
Taking Gomez out for walks, it was embarrassin'.
I remember one day in the park his tally rose
by four,
While in the square, a crowd was amassin'.
Two highly strung French Poodles, a golden
Labrador,
And a Raccoon who just happened to be passin'.
I tried every way to curb his carnal appetite,
I kept him on a leash by day and locked him
up at night.
I even put saltpeter in his doggie Meaty Bites,
But the only thing that might have worked
was kryptonite.
The only thing that might have worked was
kryptonite.
Then came that fateful day, when he tried to
consummate,
A liaison with a Saint Bernard called Broadwin.
And although he was fighting quite well
above his weight,
He didn't let this awful prospect daunt him.
He nearly pulled it off, Oh what an acrobat.
Then Broadwin deposed and down she sat.
They say that after making love, you often
feel quite flat
I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with
that.
I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with
that. (Continued...) I buried Little Gomez in the park, his happy
hunting ground.
A sad but fitting finale.
I had to dig a grave that was shallow, flat and
round,
Cause he looked like a squashed tamale.
But I really miss my wee Chihuahua chum,
So I went down to the pet shop to get another
one.
I went in feeling happy, but I came out
feeling glum,
Cause the man down at the pet shop liked
corny puns.
The man down at the pet shop liked corny puns.
And he said, "Yes, we have no Chihuahuas.
We have no Chihuahuas, today.
We have Dalmatians, creations, results from
all flirtations,
A half Pekinese, and a Char-pei.
But, Yes, we have no Chihuahuas.
We have no Chihuahuas, today.
236
Gonorrhea
(To: Vilikins and His Dinah)
When I left old Phuket, 'twas just yesterday,
I was given these words by the dear old R.A.,
"Be careful young Hashman, I want you to hear,
Don't go and get pissed up and catch gonorrhea."
Chorus
Piss off with your troubles,
I don't want to know,
I don't get embarrassed wherever I go,
I like to go whoring and drink lots of beer,
And I never worry about gonorrhea.
I went down to the river and there on the bank,
I saw an old man who was having a wank,
Disgusted, I told him it'll make him go blind,
He said, "Son, it's so good I really don't mind."
I went round to a friend's house making some
calls,
His old dog was sitting there just licking its
balls,
I said, "That looks nice, I'd like to try that,"
Well, okay, but first give old Fido a pat.
Into the Rock Hard I happened to stroll,
To sit and perv on some lovely young moll,
One sat down beside me, 'twas when I awoke,
For the last twenty minutes I'd been ogling a
bloke.
While out in the jungle and running with Hash,
I felt like a blow job and I had some spare cash,
I offered a young lady the sum of ten bucks,
She said, "Wait for the G.M., they say that
he sucks."
Well I finally caught it, and I'll tell you this,
You cannot drink beer, and it hurts you to piss,
I've a little red sore that looks just like a chancre,
But I'd rather be poxed up than like you, you
wanker.
237
The Good Hash Lollipop
(To: On the Good Ship Lollipop)
Chorus
It's the good hash lol-li-pop,
You can't get one in the can-dy shop.
Where my little crabs play, (grab crotch)
You don't have to beg just eat all day.
Just one lick here, anywhere,
And I will start, float - ing on air,
And there you are,
Getting cream from my chocolate bar.
See my big pop rise, then you open your eyes,
And you suck real hard it quakes.
If you eat too much, Ooh Ooh!
You'll awake with a tum-my ache.
(to chorus) 238
Good Ship Venus
(To: T'was on the good ship Venus,)
By Christ you should've seen us,
The figurehead was a nude in bed,
Sucking a red hot penis.
Chorus
Frigging on the rigging,
Wanking on the planking,
Masturbating on the grating,
There's fuck all else to do.
The Captain's name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
On any bugger's lugger.
The First Mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball,
But with that cracker he rolled terbaccer,
Round the friggin' wall.
The Second Mate's name was Andy,
His legs were long and bandy.
We filled his ass with molten brass,
For pissing in the brandy.
The Third Mate's name was Carter,
By God, he was a farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship
wouldn't go,
We'd get Carter the farter to start her.
The crew they were all whiney,
They'd drink up all their winey.
From bed to bed, they looked for head,
But settled for some hiney.
One seaman's name was Morgan,
He was a grisly Gorgon.
Three times a day he strummed away,
Upon his sexual organ.
Another's name was Wiggun,
By God he had a big 'un.
We bashed that cock,
With a bloody rocks,
For cumming in the riggin'.
Another's name was Slater,
He was a masturbator.
He'd pump and pump his massive stump,
And clean the mess up later.
The Captain's wife was Mabel,
Whenever she was able.
She gave the crew their daily screw,
Upon the messroom table.
His mistress was called Charlotte,
Who was born and bred a harlot
Her legs at night were lily-white,
But in the morning they were scarlet.
The Captain's randy daughter,
Was swimming in the water,
Delighted squeals came as eels,
Entered her sexual quarter.
Then there was the Navigator,
He was a fornicator.
The horny sod he took a broad,
And after he fucked her, her ate her.
The cook whose name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He served the crew with menstrual stew,
And hymens fried in semen.
Another cook was O'Mally,
He didn't dilly dally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt,
He whitewashed half the galley.
Another cook was Herbert,
A gastronomical pervert.
He puts it in through thick and thin,
And whacks off in the sherbet.
The Boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester.
Through hymens thick he shoved his prick,
And leave it there to fester.
The engineer was McTavish,
And young girls he did ravish.
His missing tool's at Istanbul,
He was a trifle lavish.
A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled, "Oh, no sir."
Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round the deck, once round his neck,
And up his bum for a stopper.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
They'd ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover.
The ship's cat's name was Kitty,
His hole was black and shitty,
But shit or not it had a twat,
The Captain showed no pity.
'Twas in the Adriatic,
Where the water's almost static,
The rise and fall of arse and ball,
Was almost automatic.
On the trip to Buenos Aires,
We rogered all the fairies.
We got the syph at Tenneriffe,
And a dose of clap in the Canaries.
'Twas on the China Station,
To roars of approbation,
We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk
By mutual masturbation.
The Captain was elated,
The Crew investigated,
They found some sand in his prostrate gland,
He had to be castrated.
And the ladies of the nation,
Arose in indignation,
They stuffed his bum with chewing gum,
A smart retaliation.
So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material,
We wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.
239
Gracious Submission
(To: Blessed Assurance)
Contributor apologizes for stepping on any
religious toes. It is meant only in jest.
Harriers:
Gracious submission, this is God's test;
Ladies in shackles, Southern Baptists are best;
Shining my shoes and fetching a beer;
This is our faith; so do it, my dear.
Chorus
Harriettes:
Gracious submission, this is my song;
Serving my husband all the day long;
Gracious submission, this is my song;
Kissing his butt and tagging along.
All:
Patterson speaketh, Convention agrees;
Paige is the prophet, we're down on our knees;
Ladies are mothers, they work in the house,
Serving their husbands, meek as a mouse.
Harriers:
Men should be leaders, that is the rule;
Ladies should follow, it's so very cool;
June Cleaver, the model, what a lady should
be;
The 50's were godly, as godly as me. 240
Great Big Wheel
(To: Old Hundred)
Oh a Cowboy told me before he died,
And I've got no reason to think he lied,
That though he tried for most of his life,
He just never could satisfy his wife.
Chorus
Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went a rod of steel.
I'll lay you money on a sure-fire bet,
That bloody great wheel is turning yet.
So he mounted up a great big wheel,
There upon a rod of steel,
Two brass chambers a-filled with cream,
And the whole bloody thing was run by steam.
Then he rolled it through the bedroom door,
And the wheel started up with a great big roar.
It rolled to his wife and rolled on top,
And it pumped until she hollered stop.
But the bloody great wheel just rolled on through,
'Till the cowboy's wife was split in two.
Then as if possessed by a monstrous whim,
It turned around and mounted him.
It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast,
Mounting all the people just a-strolling past,
Covered them all with grease and cream,
'Till it disappeared in a cloud of steam.
So if you ever see a bloody great wheel,
There apon a rod of steel,
Run for the prairie or over the hill,
Unless you're looking for a long-time thrill.
(See also Engineer Song)
241
Green Grow the Rashes O
(To: Green Grow the Rushes O)
Green grow the rashes O,
Green grow the rashes O,
The sweetest bed I ever had,
Was the bellies of the lasses O.
We're all full from eating it,
We're all dry from drinking it,
The parson kissed the fiddler's wife,
And couldn't preach for thinking of it.
There's a pious lass in town,
Godly Lizzy Lundy O,
She mounts the peak throughout the week,
But fingers it on Sunday O.
Lizzie is of large dimension,
There is not a doubt of it,
The soccer team went in last night,
And none has yet come out of it.
Jockie's wife she thought she"d shave it,
Threw him in a pretty passion,
Shouting he'd not have a wife,
Whose private parts were out of fashion.
242
Gunga's Song
(To: The Beverly Hillbillies)
This here's a story about a man named Gunga,
He had no prick, so he had to use his tongue-a.
It was down in Houston at a Hash House
Harrier's run...
A harlot straddled him and said, "Let us have
some fun!"
You know... moustache rides... face smegma...
Well the next thing you know old Gunga's
caught in the act,
The Hash folks said, "You oughtn't be
licking that!"
(Continued...)
The pound is the place where she ought to be,
He didn't have a worry, except for V.D.
You know... tongue rot... herpes sores...
Well the moral told here is when you're
hashing in Texas,
You ought to keep your tongue out of other
people's sexes.
They thought they'd honor him for public cunnilingus,
Now Gunga's called... Gungalingus.
243
Hallelujah, I'm A Bum
Oh, why don't you work like other men do?
How the hell can I work when there's no
work to do?
Chorus
Hallelujah, I'm a bum,
Hallelujah, bum again.
Hallelujah, give us a handout,
To revive us again.
Springtime is here and I'm just out of jail,
The whole winter in without any tail.
I went to a house and I knocked on the door,
My cock sticking straight out, my balls on
the floor.
I asked for a piece of bread and some food,
The lady said, "Bum, you will eat when I'm
screwed."
When I left that lady, my cock it was sore,
My belly was full, her ass it was tore.
I went to another and I asked her for bread,
She emptied the pee-pot all over my head.
Be happy and glad for the springtime has come,
We'll throw down our shovels and go on the
bum. 244
Handsome Hasher
(To: Pretty Woman)
Handsome Hasher, running down the street,
Handsome Hasher, the kind I like to meet,
Handsome Hasher, I don't believe you,
you're not true,
No one could be hung like you.
Handsome Hasher, won't you pardon me,
Handsome Hasher, I couldn't help but see,
Handsome hasher, you look horny, I can see,
Are you horny just like me?
Handsome Hasher, stop a while,
Handsome Hasher, talk a while,
Handsome Hasher, give your cock to me,
Handsome Hasher, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Handsome Hasher, say you'll cum,
Handsome Hasher, say you'll cum on me,
Cause I need you, I'll treat you right,
Cum on me baby, be mine tonight.
Handsome Hasher, don't run on by,
Handsome Hasher, don't make me cry,
Handsome Hasher, don't run away.
OK, if that's the way it must be,
OK, I guess I'll go home and masturbate,
There'll be tomorrow night, I'll wait.
What do I see?
Is he jogging back to me?
Yes, he's jogging back to me,
Oh, oh, handsome Hasher. 245
Hanky Panky
(To: Hokey Pokey)
You give the right eye wink,
You give the left eye wink,
You give the "come here" wink,
And he buys us both a drink.
Chorus
You do the hanky panky,
Get his trousers down,
That's what it's all about.
You do the top lip lick,
You do the bottom lip lick,
You give a little giggle,
'Cause he thinks you'll lick his prick.
You put your right tit out,
You put your left tit out,
Nipples getting harder,
So you shake them all about.
You put your right cheek out,
You put your left cheek out,
You give a little wobble,
Watch his eyes pop out.
You put your right leg out,
You put your left leg out,
Spread them at the knees,
So he can see what it's about.
You put the right hip out,
You put the left hip out,
Grab him by the ballocks,
And you squeeze until he spouts.
You put your pelvis in,
You put your pelvis out,
Go a little faster,
And you grind it all about.
You give the right ear groan,
You give the left ear groan,
Grind a little faster,
'Cause he's going to drop his load.
You give a right cheek kiss,
You give a left cheek kiss,
Hate to be a liar,
But you tell him it was bliss.
We've done the hanky panky,
Got his trousers down,
So fuck off!
246
Happy Wank Song
(To: Happy Talk, from South Pacific)
Chorus
Happy wank, keep talking happy wank,
Wanking is what you'd like to do.
You gotta have wet dreams.
If you don't have wet dreams,
How you gonna make wet dreams come true?
(Repeat Chorus)
Wanking to the moon,
Floatin' in de sky,
Wankin' 'til your cummin' like a lake.
Wankin' with your flute,
Open up your fly,
Makin' all de mu-sic it can make.
Do chorus once more.
247
The Harlot of Jerusalem
In days of old there lived a maid,
She was mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.
Chorus
Hi Ho Cathusalem,
Cathusalem, Cathusalem,
Hi Ho Cathusalem,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
And though she fucked for many a year,
Of pregnancy she had no fear,
She washed her passage out with beer,
The best in all Jerusalem.
She lived within the palace walls,
And round the walls were hung the balls,
Of every cock who'd tried to root,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
Now in a hovel by the wall,
A student lived with but one ball,
Who'd been though all, or nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.
His phallic lean was lean and tall,
His phallic art caused all to fall,
And victims lined the Wailing Wall,
That goes around Jerusalem.
One night returning from a spree,
With customary whore-lust he,
Made up his mind to call and see,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.
It was for her no fortune good,
That he should need to root his pud,
And choose her out of all the brood,
Of harlots in Jerusalem.
For though he paid his women well,
This syphilitic spawn of hell,
Struck down each year and tolled the bell,
For ten harlots of Jerusalem.
Forth from the town he took the slut,
For 'twas his whim always to rut,
By the Salvation Army hut,
Outside of Old Jerusalem.
With artful eye and leering look,
He took out from its filthy nook,
His penis twisted like a crook,
The Pride of Old Jerusalem.
He leaned the whore against the slum,
And tied her at the knee and bum,
Knowing where the strain would come,
Upon the fair Cathusalem.
He seized the harlot by the bum,
And rattling like a Lewis gun,
He sowed the seed of many a son,
Into the fair Cathusalem.
It was a sight to make you sick,
To hear him grunt so fast and quick,
While grinding with his crooked prick,
The womb of fair Cathusalem.
Then up there came an Onanite,
With warty prick besmeared with shite,
He'd sworn that he would goal that night,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
He loathed the art of copulation,
For his delight was masturbation,
And with a spurt of cruel elation,
He saw the whore Cathusalem.
So when he saw the grunting pair,
With roars of rage he rent the air,
And vowed that he would soon take care,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
Upon the earth he found a stick,
To which he fastened half a brick,
An took a swipe at the mighty prick
Of the student of Jerusalem. He seized the bastard by his crook,
With a single furious look,
And flung him over Kedrun's brook,
That babbles past Jerusalem.
The student gave a furious roar,
And rushed to even up the score,
And with his swollen prick did bore,
The cunt of fair Cathusalem.
And reeling full of rage and fight,
He pushed the bastard Onanite,
And rubbed his face in Cathy's shite,
The foulest in Jerusalem.
Cathusalem she knew her part,
She closed her cunt and blew a fart,
That sent him flying like a dart,
Right over old Jerusalem.
And buzzing like a bumble bee,
He flew straight out towards the sea,
But caught his arsehole in a tree,
That grows in Old Jerusalem.
And to this day you still can see,
His arsehole hanging from that tree,
Let that to you a warning be,
When passing through Jerusalem.
And when the moon is bright and red,
A castrated form sails overhead,
Still raining curses on the head,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
As for the student and his lass,
Many a playful night did pass,
Until she joined the V.D. class,
For harlots of Jerusalem.
Nearby there lived an Arab tall,
Who with his prick could move a wall,
It was the pride of nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.
One night returning from a spree,
He saw her there beneath a tree,
And vowed that very night that he,
Would lay her in Jerusalem.
He took her to a shady nook,
And from his open fly he took,
A penis like a butcher's hook,
The finest in Jerusalem.
He laid her down upon her back,
And tried to shove it up her crack,
But had no luck in trying to fuck,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
Cathusalem she gave a grunt,
And with a snap she shut her cunt,
And threw him high into the sky,
Far beyond Jerusalem.
Away he flew across the sea,
Across the Sea of Galilee,
And caught his bullock in a tree,
Three leagues beyond Jerusalem.
And there he hangs unto this day,
And seen by all who pass that way,
The silly ape that tried to rape,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
248
Harriette The Tattooed Hasher
(To: Lydia the Tattooed Lady)
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Say have you met Harriette?
Harriette the tattooed hasher,
She eyes that harriers adore so,
And a torso even more so.
Harriette, oh Harriette,
That sexy little vignette.
Harriette the erotic queen of tattoo,
On one tit is a mural of Adam's first screw.
Beside it a drawing of Eve's blow-job too,
And right above is her price list in blue.
You can get your rocks off with Harriette.
Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum.
(Continued...)
She can give you a view of sex in tattoo,
If you step up and tell her what.
For only a buck you can see doggies fuck,
Or sixty-nine different kinds of twat.
Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum.
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Harriette, the tattooed hasher.
When her muscles start aflexin',
All the tattoos get an erection.
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Harriette the harlot we love.
She once swept our GM clear off his feet,
The design on her behind made his heart skip
a beat.
And now a tiny bastard sucks at her teat,
For he went and fucked our Harriette.
249
Harriettes, They Play One
(To: This Old Man)
Harriettes, they play one,
All they want to do is cum,
Chorus
With a knick knack,
Slap her ass,
Poke her with my bone,
This drunk hare will stumble home.
Harriettes, they play two,
We just want to speckle you,
Harriettes, they play three,
Won't you swallow my cum for me,
Harriettes, they play four,
We like to see you on all fours,
Harriettes, they play five,
If you don't swallow you'll get hives,
Harriettes, they play six,
We just want to slap you with our dicks,
Harriettes, they play seven,
But they all just wish it was eleven,
Harriettes, they play eight,
We all know you masturbate,
Harriettes, they play nine,
All they do is whinge and whine,
Harriettes, they play ten,
We're not boys, we're harrier men,
Harriettes, they play eleven,
But all they can handle is only seven.
250
Harvest of Love
I rise at six and I feed the chicks,
And I'm feeling lonesome and blue,
And when I milk the cow it seems somehow,
My thoughts keep straying to you,
And as the horse and I plow the fields nearby,
Your mem'ry I can't erase,
'Cause when I walk at the rear of the horse,
my dear,
I seem to see your face.
Chorus
I'm gonna sow the seeds of deep devotion,
Fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire,
And then I'll reap the harvest of love.
Side by side we'll take a ride,
In my horse and buggy one day,
Down lover's lane I'll turn the reins,
And my horse will run out of hay,
And I will kiss those lips, those tempting lips,
The only one that can thrill me,
And we will frolic at night in the pale moonlight,
If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me. 251
Has Anybody Seen J.C.?
(To: Has Anybody Seen My Gal?)
Five foot nine; He's divine;
Says He comes from Palestine,
Has anybody seen J.C.?
Well, if you run into a five foot Jew,
Covered with thorns,
Holes in his hands, spear in his side,
Man, that cat's been crucified!
Five foot nine; He's divine;
Changes water into wine,
Has anybody seen J.C.?
Well, if you run into a five foot Jew,
Covered with thorns,
Holes in his hands, spear in his side,
Man, that cat's been crucified!
Well, he is camp, he is cool,
He will walk across your swimming pool,
Has anybody seen J.C.?
252
Has Anybody Seen R J?
(To: Has Anybody Seen My Gal?)
Five foot two, eyes of blue,
He'll always be more drunk than you.
Has anybody seen R J?
Eyes of red, almost dead,
Gutters are his favorite bed.
Has anybody seen R J?
Holy Ghost, he's the most,
Cheese and crackers when he's the host.
Has anybody seen R J?
Talk to him, he's no fool,
He'll end up floating in your swimming pool.
Has anybody seen R J?
He has written a sacred book,
A record of every drink he took,
Has anybody seen R J?
Whiskey, beer, gin, or rye,
He will come and drink you dry.
Has anybody seen R J?
He wears thorns for a crown,
Women scream when he goes down,
Has anybody seen R J?
If they nailed him to a cross,
It would be every barman's loss.
Has anybody seen R J?
Viking horn on his head,
Don't help much when he's in bed.
Has anybody seen R J?
In Cyprus Pecker Picker picked his pecker,
Didn't know it was a double decker.
Has anybody seen R J?
East or West, North or South,
No woman has a sorer mouth.
Has anybody seen R J?
253
Hash House Harrier
(To: British Grenadier)
I like the girls who say they will,
I hate the girls who don it.
I hate the girls who say they will,
And then they say the won't.
But of all the girls I like the best,
I may be wrong or right,
Are the girls who say they never will,
But look as though they might.
Some die of constipation,
And some of diarrhea.
And some of masturbation,
And some of gonorrhea.
(Continued...)
But of all the world's diseases,
There's none that can compare:
With the drip, drip, drip,
Of the syphilitic prick,
Of a Hash House Harrier.
When he goes forth in pursuit,
His bottle in his hand,
The lasses fall like cattle,
There's none can make a stand.
But when the campaign's over,
It's then he's bogged in mire:
With the drip, drip, drip,
Of the syphilitic prick,
Of a Hash House Harrier.
And when he does retire,
To take his well-earned rest,
There burns an ancient fire,
To do what he does best.
And yet, the truth is bitter,
'Cause he could never be a marrier:
With the drip, drip, drip,
Of the syphilitic prick,
Of a Hash House Harrier.
254
Hash Road Song
(To: Barney (the dinosaur) Theme)
Originally Mt. Vernon HHH Road Song.
______,
We hashed there,
______ Hash House Harriers!
We fucked all the women,
buggered all the men,
drank all the beer,
and we'll do it all again! 255
Hash Virgin Serenade
(To: Ball of Kerrymuir)
Four and twenty virgins,
Came out to this old hash,
And when the hash was over,
There were four and twenty less.
Chorus
Singing, balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall.
If ye canna get laid at this old hash,
Ye'll never get laid at all.
This fine young virgin she was there,
She had drank a bit too much,
Showing us her titties,
But sayin' we couldna touch.
This cocky virgin he was there,
Drinking Old Milwaukee's Best,
Showing the girls his tiny dick,
The girls they weren't impressed.
This other virgin she was there,
Talkin' 'bout givin' head,
But when it came to swallowin',
She would spit instead.
This other virgin he was there,
Askin' 'bout toe sucks,
The harriettes frowned and then they said,
"What do you want for three bucks?"
The other virgin SHE was there,
Givin' us all a great view,
While dancing on the table,
She said she'd do the crew.
This other virgin HE was there,
Getting drunk as he could be,
And by the time the circle broke up,
He'd pissed a gallon of pee.
(Continued...) This fine young virgin she was there,
With legs all firm and tan,
Her shorts rode up her ass so tight,
They squeaked whenever she ran.
256
Hash, Hash, Hash
By Smoking Wiener)
(To: Dance, Dance, Dance)
My grandpa, he's ninety five,
And he keeps on hashin', he's still alive.
My grandma, she's ninety two,
She loves to hash and sing lewd too.
I don't know but I've been told,
If you keep on hashing you'll never grow old.
Chorus
Come on, daddy', put a red dress on,
We're gonna go out tonight.
Hash, hash, hash,
Hash, hash, hash,
Hash, hash, hash, all night long.
I'm a hard-workin' man, I'm a son of a bitch.
I've been hashin' all week and I've got an itch.
The whore's in the kitchen and my
manhood's in the barn.
I'm all cleaned up and my whores are all done.
Gimme your hand and make me come,
Then let's go out and get us some.
Chorus
Hash, hash, hash,
Hash, hash, hash,
Hash, hash, hash, all night long.
Come on, hasher', don't look that way.
Don't you know when you smile I've got to
say.
You're my honey pumping lover, you're my
heart's delight.
Don't you want to get laid tonight.
You're such a pretty lady, you're such a sweet
man,
When you dance it hardens up my thang.
Chorus 257
Hasher Man
By Monsignor Moon)
(To: Iron Man (Black Sabbath))
Has he lost his mind?
Or is he really one-of-a-kind?
Can he hash at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he drunk or is he dead?
Are there any dirty thoughts in his head?
We'll just pass him beer
We may even give him a cheer.
His brain has turned to shit
or is he just havin' a fit?
Where he travelled the trails
for the future of all hashin' males!
Chorus
Nobody wants him
He just pukes on himself
Doing his down-downs
Till his eyes roll back, and he 'Ralphs'.
Now the time is near
for Hasher Man to quaff his beer
Vengeance from the Bimbos
Kills their appetites, Ho's Ho's Ho's
(to chorus)
Heavy buckets of beer
fills his victims full of cheer
Wankin' as fast as he can
Hasher Man lives again! 258
Hasher Men
(To: This Old Man)
Substitute name of Hash in blanks.
Chorus
Knick knack paddy whack give themselves a
bone,
_____ men have sex alone.
_____ men, they play one,
They think they have all the fun.
_____ men, they play two,
They can't get it up to screw.
_____ men, they play three,
They think they get sex for free.
_____ men, they play four,
They can't get it up to score.
_____ men, they play five,
They don't have enough sex drive.
_____ men, they play six,
Little men with little dicks.
_____ men, they play seven,
Masturbation is their heaven.
_____ men, they play eight,
They can't get their dicks in straight.
_____ men, they play nine,
They take theirs up from behind.
_____ men, they play ten,
Little boys who think they're men. 259
Hasher Women
(To: This Old Man)
(Substitute name of hash in blanks)
Chorus
Knick knack paddy whack give themselves a
tickle,
_____ women use a pickle.
_____ women, they play one,
They don't know how to get it on.
_____ women, they play two,
They say, "Not now, I've got the flu."
_____ women, they play three,
They say, "Not now, I've got to pee."
_____ women, they play four,
They say, "Not now, who's at the door?"
_____ women, they play five,
They'll cut your balls off with a knife.
_____ women, they play six,
They're never satisfied with our pricks.
_____ women, they play seven,
Life without sex is their idea of heaven.
_____ women, they play eight,
They always seem to have a headache.
_____ women, they play nine,
Their sex lives are in decline.
_____ women, they play ten,
If they were better looking they might get
some men. 260
He'll be Coming Round the Yamanote
Line
By Sudsuckin' Bigfoot)
(To: She'll be Coming Round the Mountain)
Note: the Yamanote Line is a major train
line that circles Tokyo. A few
vocab notes: "gaijin" is a foreigner,
"manga" means comic book, "iku"
literally means "to go" or "I'm cumming!",
"chikan" is a pervert who feels
people up on the train, Silver Seats are the
seats reserved for elderly &
disabled.
He'll be cumming round the Yamanote Line,
He'll be cumming round the Yamanote Line,
He'll be cumming round the Yamanote,
Cumming round the Yamanote,
Cumming round the Yamanote Line.
(other verses)
He'll be making platform pizza when he comes.
He'll be saying "iku iku" when he comes.
He'll be grabbing gaijin butt cheek when he
comes.
He'll be reading porno manga when he comes.
He'll be hearing "chikan chikan" when he comes.
He'll be practising his golf swing when he comes.
He'll be passed out on the last train when he
comes.
He'll be picking his nose & eating it when he
comes.
He'll be sitting in the Silver Seats when he
comes. 261
He's A Cunt
All mouth, no brains, this guy's a pain,
You can scream and cuss,
He stuck his boot up your dog's arse,
And licked your daughter's puss,
He nicked your fags, drank your booze,
Tied fireworks to the cat,
Then he told the dole you were working,
Who is this fuckin' twat?
Chorus
He's a cunt, he's a cunt,
He's a C-U-N-T cunt,
With his broken teeth and his ugly face,
He's a mental riddle that's out of place,
He'll sleep with your granny, bite her fanny,
Wears his trousers back to front,
And he farts, sucks cock,
And he's riddled with pox,
'Cause basically he's a cunt.
He dyes his hair to match his clothes,
He smells like shit, he'd fill your nose,
With a small tattoo to prove he's tough,
And an earring 'cause he's a fuckin poof,
You've never heard of this human turd,
He'd be a pig if he could grunt,
And what's more he talks bullshit,
'Cause basically he's a cunt.
He's got spots and warts and blackheads too,
He doesn't know a joke unless it's blue,
The vicar's daughter swears and cries,
He fucked her with a pack of lies,
You say you've never heard of this man,
Well you don't have to hunt,
'Cause it's me, it's me you bastards,
'Cause basically I'm a cunt. 262
He's Got the Whole Bitch In His Hands
(To: He's Got the Whole World in His
Hands)
Works better if you have a very
accomodating female to play model,
particularly a girlfriend or spouse of "He".
This can be a very seductive display with the
right model and demonstrator. Pack should
clap to song.
He's got the left foot in his hands,
(toe sucking appropriate here)
He's got the whole left fo-ot in his hands,
He's got the left foot in his hands,
He's got the left foot his hands.
He's got the right foot in his hands,
He's got the whole right foot in his hands,
He's got the right foot in his hands,
He's got the right foot in his hands.
(Continues with various body parts, use your
imagination.)
He's got the...
Left thigh in his hands.
(Optionally licks thigh as model permits)
Right thigh in his hands.
Left cheek in his hand.
(grabs behind model for ass cheek
With left hand and grinds)
Right cheek in his hand.
(grabs with both hands and grinds,
Continues to hold cheeks and grind
with next lines.)
Left tit in his mouth.
Right tit in his mouth.
Whole bitch in his hands. 263
Hello Penis
(To: The Sounds of Silence)
Hello penis my old friend,
I've come to play with you again,
When those wet dreams come a-creeping,
I spurt my seeds while I am sleeping,
And with your helmet firmly planted in my
hand,
It will expand, while jerking off in silence.
In horny dreams I get a bone,
I beat off on cobble stones,
Beneath the halo of a street lamp,
I see a whore who's getting very damp,
And for some money in a flash she's on her
back,
She spreads her crack, and twitches her twat
in silence.
Those who see and do not know,
How to make my penis grow,
I whipped you out so she might eat you,
I stuffed you up into her pussy spew,
And then my sperm, like silent raindrops fell,
And turned to gel, while jerking off in silence.
And the ants came out and played,
In the fucking mess I'd made,
But in heeding daddy's warning,
That mum would find it in the morning,
So I rolled out of bed and wiped it up with
my shirt,
God, what a squirt! Jerking off in silence. 264
Herpes Family
(To: Addams Family)
They're goofy and they're itchy,
They make your girlfriend bitchy,
They hide out in her snitchy,
The Herpes Family!
Chorus
Da da da da (snap fingers twice),
Da da da da (snap fingers twice),
Da da da da, Da da da da, Da da da da, (snap
fingers twice).
You can hardly see 'em,
But when you start a-pee'n,
They really get ya screamin',
The Herpes Family!
If a scab you ta-aste,
It's already to la-ate,
What a shitty da-ate,
The Herpes Family.
You really wouldn't miss it,
If you didn't kiss it,
Just put it in and piss it,
The Herpes Family. 265
Herpes Song
(To: She Loves You)
I think I've got a dose,
And it's not the dripping kind,
It's the one that hurts the most,
And it makes you fucking blind.
Chorus
I think it's herpes and you know that can be
bad,
Yeah that herpes, it can make you fucking
mad Ohoooh,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
With a dose like that it's very, very sad.
I think I've got a dose,
And I got it yesterday,
I came so very close,
To giving it to the maid.
I know there's something wrong,
'Cause there's blisters on my knob,
And the skin's peeling off my dong,
And erections make it throb,
I'm going to see the quack,
'Cause I cannot stand the pain,
I stuffed it up her crack,
But I won't do that again,
When the doctor took his knife,
I went deeply into sho-o-ock,
What will I tell my wife,
He's going to cut it off. 266
Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off to the Burlesque
Show
(To: Hi Ho, Hi Ho)
Chorus
Hi ho! Hi ho!
It's off to the burlesque show,
We'll sit up front,
To see their cunts.
Hi ho! Hi ho!
At half past eight,
We'll masturbate.
We'll sit up front,
To see their cunts.
Hi ho! Hi ho!
We're small on wits,
But big on tits.
At half past eight,
We'll masturbate.
We'll sit up front,
To see their cunts.
Hi ho! Hi ho!
We'll drop our drawers
And fuck some whores...
(Keep adding as above)
We'll get a horn,
Eating popcorn.
I paid my buck,
Now where's my fuck.
With back stage pass,
We'll see some ass.
We'll be urgin'
Many a virgin.
From 10 'til 8,
We'll fornicate.
From 9 'til 10,
The girls will sin.
We'll screw a while,
In the doggie style.
While they show puppies,
We'll fuck some Yuppies.
We'll spew our sperm,
At the paciderm.
267
Hitler Only Had One Ball
(To: Colonel Bogey March)
Hitler, he only had one ball,
Goering, he had two but very small,
Himmler had something sim'ler,
But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.
(Whistle melody for Chorus)
Frankfurt has only one beer hall,
Stuttgart, die Muenchen all on call,
Munich, vee lift our tunich,
To show vee 'Cherman' have no balls at all.
(Whistle melody for CHORUS)
Hans Otto is very short, not tall,
And blotto, for drinking Singhai and Skol.
A 'Cherman', unlike Bruce Erwin,
Because Hans Otto has no balls at all.
268
Hog Calling Time In Nebraska
Best done with animal noises and gestures.
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
Then it's hog calling time in Nebraska.
(Alternate verses)
When it's sheep fucking time in Australia...
(Continue as above)
When it's cow punching time in Texas...
When it's pig squeeling time in Georgia...
When it's shit packin' time in San Francisco...
When it's hare hoppin' time in the Hash House...
269
Hot Vagina
(To: Yellow Rose of Texas)
Hot vagina for your breakfast,
Hot vagina for your lunch,
Hot vagina for your dinner,
Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It's so speedy and nutritious,
Bite-size and ready to eat,
So take a tip, go eat your mom;
Hot vagina can't be beat.
270
How Ashamed I Was
I met her on the hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the hash,
I thought I'd try a bash,
O' gor blimey how ashamed I was!
I touched her on the knee -
She said "you're fairly free."
I touched her on the thigh -
She said "you're rather high."
I touched her on the spot -
She said "I'd rather not."
When I put it in -
She said "you're rather thin."
Then when I did come -
She said "you're up my bum."
So then I took it out -
She said "no need to pout."
So I tried to put it back -
But my prick had gone quite slack.
Then she took me in her hand -
And she made my roger stand.
Then she climbed up on top -
I tried to make her stop.
She rode me like a horse -
I came again, of course.
But still she wanted more -
She must have been a whore.
And then my tool grew thinner -
I couldn't keep it in her.
The she called me a nasty name -
"You bloody hashers are all the
same."
271
How To Handle A Date
(To: Que Sera, Sera)
Duet of harrier and harriet as below:
Harrier:
Take her hand, her hand, her hand,
It's time to stand, to stand,
You're the king of the land,
So take her hand.
Harriette:
He's squeezing my hand, my hand, my hand,
I wish he'd take a stand, a stand,
This wimp of the land,
Quit squeezing my hand.
(Continued...)
Harrier:
Fondle her breast, her breast, her breast,
You know they're the best, the best,
They've passed all the tests,
So fondle her breasts.
Harriette:
He's fondling my breast, my breast, my breast,
I know they're the best, the best,
They can pass any test,
So fondle my breast.
Harrier:
Finger her twat, her twat, her twat,
Now you've hit the spot, the spot,
It gets her real hot,
When you finger her twat.
Harriette:
He's poking my twat, my twat, my twat,
I bet he thinks he's hit the spot, the spot,
That makes me real hot,
Oh, quit poking my twat.
Harrier:
So lay that pipe, that pipe, that pipe,
We know she's the type, the type,
She thinks she's real tight,
So lay that pipe.
Harriette:
But what a small cock, small cock, small cock,
He thinks it's a lot, a lot,
Is that all he's got?
Oh, what a small cock.
Harrier:
Roll over and sleep, and sleep, and sleep,
I gave her the meat, the meat,
It wasn't too deep,
But I got it real cheap.
Harriette:
Wasn't it quick, so quick, so quick,
Just like a prick, a prick,
To give me a stick,
That's just too quick. 272
Humoresque
(To: Humoresque)
I love to go out after dark,
And goose the statues in the park,
A lovely pastime at the close of day!
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While whoops! it's me that gets the thrill.
It really is a lovely way to play.
I've noticed lately,
They stand so stately,
Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground.
I sometimes tease them,
And do displease them,
If I fail to show up as the sun goes down.
The Thinker is the only one,
With whom I can have no fun.
He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse.
Napoleon sits upon his steed,
I cannot goose him, no indeed,
And so instead I goose his horse.
Passengers will please refrain,
From flushing toilets while the train,
Is standing in the station, I love you.
We encourage constipation,
While the train is in the station,
Moonlight always makes me think of you.
If you simply have to go,
When other people are too slow,
There is only one thing you can do.
You'll just have to take a chance,
Be brave and do it in your pants,
But I'll forgive you, darling, I love you.
Mabel, Mabel, strong and able,
Get your big ass off the table,
Don't you know the quarter is for beer?
You can always earn your pay,
But make your tips another way,
And I'll forgive you, darling, I love you. Ever since you met our Nelly,
She's had trouble with her belly,
Wish you'd never seen our little town!
Ever since I met your Venus,
I've had trouble with my penis,
Wish I'd never seen your little town.
Was it you who did the pushin',
Put the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Was it your sly woodpecker,
That got into my girl Rebecca?
If it was, you better leave this town.
It was I who did the pushin',
Put the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I got into your daughter,
I've had trouble passing water,
Now I guess we're even all around.
273
Hymn for the Aged Cock
(To: Rock of Ages)
Cock so aged, rise for me.
Let me have some sex with thee.
Let the wa-ter and the blood,
Bring you strength, Oh migh-ty pud.
Be of sin the double cure,
Make me cum and more cocksure.
274
I Didn't Get Pissed.
(To: My Way)
And now, the beer is near,
And so I'll face the golden fluid.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
Without the beer, I wouldn't be here.
I've tried low alcohol beer,
But then I've been on every highway,
But more, much more than this,
I didn't get pissed. Regrets, I've had so many,
So then again, back to the real booze,
I'll do what hashers do,
And carry this load on my shoulders.
I'll drink each brand of beer,
Until it makes me feel quite queer,
But more, much more than this,
I like to be pissed.
Yes, there were times,
I'm sure you knew,
When I drank, more than I should do.
But thru it all, even be-ing sick,
I drank it all and spit it out,
I faced the toilet,
And I stood tall
And regretted be-ing pissed.
I laughed, but then I cried,
Because there isn't any beer left,
And now, I realize,
I didn't find it so amusing.
To think, I drank all that,
And may I say, "Not in a shy way"
Oh no, oh not me,
I want to be pissed.
For what is a hasher,
Without a beer,
If there is none,
Then he stays sober,
He'll say the things he truly feels,
And not the slime, just to get laid,
The harriettes know and make sure,
A harrier stays pissed. 275
I Don't Want To Sober Up
By Scratch 'n Sniff and Pussy Whipped)
(To: Toys R Us Jingle)
This song was written at the virginia
interhash 1998.
I don't wanna sober up,
I only have half a mind.
If the hares laid a short trail,
That would be kind.
From dicks to tits and swollen clits,
It's the biggest debauchery there is.
I don't wanna quit drinking,
Cuz if i do,
I wouldn't have slept with you.
276
I Don't Want to Be a Housewife
(To: I Don't Want to Join the Army)
I don't want to be a housewife,
I'd much rather be a whore,
I'd rather turn some tricks,
Involving foot long pricks,
Housework is a bore, gor blimey.
I don't want to do his laundry,
I don't want to cook his fucking food,
And if I'm getting laid,
I should be getting paid,
Or else I must be truly getting screwed, gor
blimey.
277
I Don't Want to Join a Convent
(To: I Don't Want to Join the Army)
I don't want to join a convent,
Purity is really quite a bore,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't want to waste my life a virgin,
I don't want to count my rosary,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.
Chorus
Call out the all of the Queen's old maids,
Call out the King's mistress three,
Call out my mother, my sister and my lover,
But for God's sake don't call me.
Monday I got myself deflowered,
Tuesday I moved into his house,
On Wednesday I declared, you Hashers
aren't so bad,
Thursday a climax! Oh, gor blimey,
Friday he told me he was leaving,
Saturday he flew to Singapore,
And Sunday starts the party,
To celebrate his parting,
And now I've got eight weeks to fuck
around, gor blimey.
I don't want to raise a family,
I'm not cut out for nine to five,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't care if I don't go to heaven,
I don't want to go there all alone,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.
278
I Don't Want to Join the Army
I don't want to join the army,
I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground,
Living off the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't need no Foggy women,
London's full of girls I never 'ad.
I want to stay in Blighty, Lord Gawd Almighty,
Following in the footsteps of me Dad.
Chorus
Call up the buggers,
In the Royal Marines.
Call up the Queen's Artillery.
Call up me brother,
Me sister and me mother,
But for Gawd's sake don't call me.
Monday I touched her on the ankle.
Tuesday I touched her on the knee.
On Wednesday night Hooray! I pulled dress
away.
Thursday night I felt that I, was really getting
high.
Friday I got me hand upon it.
Saturday gave it just a little a tweak.
Sunday after dinner, I finally got it in 'er
And now I'm paying thirty bob a week.
279
I Don't Want to Join the Navy
(To: I Don't Want to Join the Army)
I don't want to join the navy,
I don't want to be a man of war,
I would rather go down to old Soho,
Living off the earnings of a high class whore,
I don't want a bullet up me backside.
I don't want me knickers shot away.
I'd rather be in England, jolly-jolly England,
And fornicate me bloomin life away.
Chorus
Call out the members of the Queen's marines,
Call out the King's artillery,
Call out my mother, my sister and my brother,
But for God's sake don't call me.
I don't want to join the Navy,
I don't want to be a man of Mars,
I just want to hang around the Picadilly Underground,
Pinching all the girlies on their arses,
I don't want no foreign women,
London's got a lot I've never had,
I'd rather stay in England, jolly-jolly, England,
And follow the fly-prints of my Dad.
Sunday night my hand was on her ankle,
Monday night my hand was on her knee,
Tuesday night, success! I lifted up her dress,
Wednesday night I lifted up her lace chemise,
Thursday night I got my hand upon it,
Friday night I gave it just a tweak,
Saturday after supper,
I finally got ir up her,
And I'm not paying seven bob a week. Gor
Blimey. 280
I Hashed It My Way
By Smoking Wiener (To: I Did It My Way)
And now, the end is here,
And so I face the final check back.
My friends, I'll say it clear.
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life, a life that's full;
I've hashed each and every highway,
And more, much more than this,
I hashed it my way.
BJ's, I've had a few,
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do,
And saw it through without extension.
I planned each charted trail,
Each careful mark along the trailway,
And more, much more than this,
I hashed it my way.
Yes, there were times,
I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more,
Than I could chew,
But through it all,
When there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all, and I stood tall,
And hashed it my way.
I've loved. I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill, my share of losing,
And now as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing,
To think, and may I say,
Not in a shy way,
Oh no, oh no not me.
I hashed it my way.
For what is a Hasher, what has he got?
If not his whistle,
Then he has naught.
To hash the trail he truly feels,
And not the marks of one who kneels.
The record shows,
I took the blows,
And HASHED IT MY WAY! 281
I Like Cock
(To: Three Blind Mice)
For harriettes.
I like cock,
I like cock,
See how they rise,
See how they rise,
They fit so nicely and feel so grand,
They come in all sizes, all shapes and brands,
There's nothing finer than making them stand,
'Cause I like cock,
I like cock.
282
I Like Cunt
(To: Three Blind Mice)
For Harriers.
I like cunt,
I like cunt,
Up against railings I've often stood,
Fucking young ladies and doing them good,
It's so much better than pulling your pud,
'Cause I like cunt,
I like cunt.
283
I Love My Wife
I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do,
I love her truly,
I love the hole that she pisses through,
I love her lily white tits and her ruby red lips,
And her little brown asshole,
I'd eat her shit, gobble-gobble, chomp-chomp,
With a rusty spoon (with a rusty spoon). 284
I Love to Have a Beer
By Hazukashi)
(To: Slim Dusty Tune)
From the composer of the lyrics, "I have
finally tracked down the words to a Slim
Dusty song out of Australia. It can be a lot of
fun for anyone into singing around the
circle. The tune is unique, but you can make
up your own verses.
I love to have a beer with Sky Queen,
I love to have a beer with Queen,
We drink in moderation,
God knows what its doin' to my spleen,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Sky Queen,
Because Sky Queen's me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Flying Booger,
I love to have a beer with Boog,
We drink in moderation,
And sometimes we may chug,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Booger,
Because Booger's me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Zippy,
I love to have a beer with Zip,
We drink in moderation,
As hares we give 'em the slip,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Zippy,
Because Zippy's me mate. Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts,
I love to have a beer with CC,
We drink in moderation,
But I often have to pee.
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts,
Because Cold Cuts' me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
And On & On, make up your own. . .
285
I Need A Sheep
(To: Scotland the Brave)
Bring me some whiskey, mother,
I'm feeling frisky, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the
night!
I need a lover, mother,
No, not my brother, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the
night!
Gerbils don't make it, mother,
They just can't take it, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the
night!
Owls, bats and other critters,
Just tend to give me jitters.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the
night!
Sheep never talk about it,
They never ever doubt it.
Always so placid, affectionate and nice!
Give me that lanolin,
Better than flannel-in.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the
night! 286
I Put My Hand
(To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home)
I put my hand upon her toe
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're way too low!"
Chorus
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're teasin' me!"
I put my hand upon her thigh...
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're way too shy!"
I put my hand upon her tit...
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're squeezin' it!"
I put my hand upon her chin...
She said, "Hey Hasher, stick it in!"
I put my hand upon her breast...
She said, "Hey Hasher, I want the rest!"
I put my hand upon her twat...
She said, "Hey Hasher, you've hit the spot."
(Slower and with reverence - hats off!)
Now she lies in a wooden box...
From sucking too many Hasher's cocks.
We dig her up now and then...
We fucked her once, we'll fuck her again. 287
I Put My Lips
(To: Johnny Comes Marching Home)
I wrapped my lips around his toe,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I wrapped my lips around his toe,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I wrapped my lips around his toe,
I said shut up I'm starting low.
Chorus
Suck there, blow here, let go of my ear,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I wrapped my lips around his nose,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I wrapped my lips around his nose,
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I wrapped my lips around his nose,
Better move on he's starting to doze.
I put my head between his thighs...
That's when he started rolling his eyes.
I slipped my tongue between his cheeks...
I'd love to stay but this really reeks.
I put his dick right in my mouth...
Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm.
I wrapped my hand around his cock...
Then laid it out on the chopping block.
(Slower and with reverence - hats off!)
Now he lies in a wooden box...
But his prick's on the wall with the other
cocks. 288
I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
(To: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner)
Oh, I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner,
That is what I'd really like to be-e-ee,
'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner,
You'd like a weiner plug your cunt with me!
Oh, I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner,
That is what I'd really like to be-e-ee,
'Cause like you use an Oscar Meyer Weiner,
There'd be really nothing left of me.
289
I'll Never Leave Camp Again
(By Babe Thruster)
(To: I'll Never Fall In Love Again)
What do you get when you follow trail?
An idiot hare that gets you lost,
In a sweltering sun or freezing frost,
I'll never leave the camp again.
I'll never leave the camp again.
What do you get when you follow trail?
Rocks and roots that make you fall,
Mosquitoes and chiggers that bite your balls,
I'll never leave the camp again.
Oh don't you know,
I'll never leave the camp again.
I asked Zippy what it's all about,
'Cause as a hasher I still had some doubt,
Aren't the hashes the reason we're here?
He said forget the run, just drink the beer.
What do you get when you follow trail?
You sweat a lot and loose you're buzz,
But I'll be cool and crocked because,
I'll never leave the camp again.
No, no, I'll never leave the camp again.
When the hare's away,
Just where will I find you,
That is why I'm here to remind you.
What do you get when you follow trail?
Enough aggravation to drive you crazy,
I'll just hang with the F.B.A.C.
I'll never leave the camp again.
Don't you know that,
I'll never leave the camp again.
I'll never leave the camp again.
290
I'll Never Piss Again
(To: Battle Hymn of the Republic)
My dick has felt the burning of the coming
of the clap,
I've been clean all these years and now I've
got a real bum rap,
That bitch said she was clean but she really
was a liar,
'Cause now my dick's on fire.
Chorus
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
And I'll never piss again.
I saw her coming at me from across the
Georgia bar,
Her ass was swinging wildly and her tits
were sagging far.
I propped her on a barstool and I bought that
bitch a drink,
Then I smelled that telltale stink.
Swedish Bees, Kamikazes, Stolies, and some
brew,
My dick was getting hard, Man, the big old
Wally grew.
She reached into my pants and she pulled
that monster out,
Then John Cleveland began to shout.
(Continued...)
Well I should have listened to him 'cause
he'd been with her before,
That must have been where he got that
bloody festered sore.
I should have listened to him when he said
she was a whore,
But you knows "Bo needs more".
So I took her on a hash run and that bitch ran
fast and hot,
You could almost see the nasty stuff a-
dripping out her slot,
And at the On-In, she told me she really
wanted to fuck,
But I should have just let her suck.
Now I'm in the doctor's office sitting in the
chair,
Nothing like a red hot poker way down deep
in there.
The doctor pushed too far and my scrotum
began to tear,
God, this really sucks.
291
I'll Take the Left Leg
(To: Loch Lomond)
Chorus
Oh, I'll take the left leg, and you take the
right leg,
It's my turn to give her the caber.
'Cos me and my true love have never been
the same,
Since I shared her with the next door neighbor.
When the Lord and his band were shaping up
this land,
They found that they had left over,
A pike of useless crap on the left side of the
map,
That they'd hacked out of the White Cliffs of
Dover.
Angel Gabriel scratched his head and asked
the Lord instead,
"What can we do call a land so mean, Sire?"
"Och, Gabe, call it what ye will, maybe Largs
or Motherwell,
No, on second thoughts we'll call it Aberdeenshire."
Now there was me and Auntie Annie,
Cousin Jock and dear old Granny,
And we'd all had a roll in the heather.
'Cos we come from Braemar, and we'll not
forget that our,
Family motto is, "We're all queers together."
Now the old goat died, around Eastertide,
So jock rammed the bloody coal scuttle up her.
He threw her on to boil, then he topped her
off with soil,
And served her up as haggis supper.
When a visiting rugby team took a whore
from Aberdeen,
To agree on a price took an eternity.
But she took them without a fuss and had
triplets on the bus,
And sued them for collective paternity.
Now wee Ronnie teaches pipes to girls of all
types,
His methods are revelation.
Just cut your bloody banter, get your mouth
round my chanter,
And I'll complete your education.
Now in Burn's magic prose, a Scottish girl is
like a rose.
My lass was more like Ben Nevis when I
found her.
Her southern slopes were gray, half the
nation knew the way,
And the Hash had run up and down her. 292
I'm My Own Grandpa
(To: I'm My Own Grandpa)
Chorus
I'm my own grandpa,
I'm my own grandpa,
It sounds funny I know,
But it's really so,
I'm my own grandpa.
Many years ago,
When I was twenty three,
I was married to a widow,
Who was pretty as can be.
This widow had a grownup daughter,
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my father my son-in-law,
Which changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wide.
And to complicate the matter,
Even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of,
A bouncing baby boy.
This little baby then
Became the brother of my dad.
So became my uncle
Though it made me sad.
By then he was my uncle
And he also was the brother
Of the grownup daughter
Who of course was my step mother.
My father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
He just became the grandchild
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my father's mother,
And it makes me blue.
Although she is my wife,
She is my grandmother too.
Now if my wife is my grandmother,
I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It really drives me wild.
Now I have become the strangest
Case you ever saw.
I am the husband of my own grandmother.
293
I'm Your Mailman
(To: Bye Bye, Blackbird)
Make me happy, make me gay,
I can come, twice a day,
I'm your mail-man.
Lift the knocker, ring the bell,
I can make you, feel real swell,
I'm your mail-man.
I can come in any kind of weath-er,
Don't you know my bags are made of leath-er?
I don't mess with keys or locks,
I'll just slip it in the box,
Mail-man, bye bye.
294
I've Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard
On
(To: I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover)
I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard on,
That I've had all af-ter-noon.
Went to the doctor, he told me to cough.
I wish that he would, have whacked it right
off!
Come to me, Venus, mas-sage my penis,
And shrivel it like a prune,
'Cause I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard
on,
That I'll probably have till June, till June,
That I'll probably have till June. 295
I've Got the Clap Again
(To: Those Were the Days)
Once upon a time I was a Hasher,
Used to down an Anker Bir or two,
Remember how I laughed away the hours,
Dreaming of the whores that I would screw.
Every Monday evening I'd go Hashing,
Sometimes I'd short cut along the way,
But I'd always stay late at the On-On,
Where you'd often hear a Hasher say:
Chorus
I've got the clap again,
I really should refrain,
K-25, the Club, and Tanamour.
I've got the pills to use,
I must lay off the booze,
I've got the clap, oh yes, I've got the clap.
One night to the Hash there came a beauty,
A thing that's quite unusual to do.
But something made me think this girl was
different,
It must have been the tattoos on her boobs.
She wore hot pants and see-through T-shirt,
Sipped her beer through rosy choo-choo lips.
All the men began to get excited,
At the sight of that young lady's swollen tits.
Five o'clock Hashmaster got his horn out,
Everybody else put theirs away.
Then I got myself into position,
Where I could see her lovely buttocks sway.
She short-cut and I short-cut behind her,
Wondering if tonight I'd be in luck.
Heard her calling "On-On" from the bushes,
And I knew right then that we were going to
fuck._
This girl showed me that she was no novice,
Her repertoire of tricks sure made me sweat.
I came, she came, then we came together,
And our juices flowed till we were soaking
wet.
Made our way back finally to the circle,
Watching smiling faces turning green.
Could it be that they were only jealous,
Or could it be they knew she wasn't clean?
Drove her home that night, she lived in Ancol,
Arranged that this should be a regular thing.
But then one week later at the On-On,
I took a piss and felt that tell-tale sting.
Now Dr. Budi has a Monday practice,
He's got a special clinic on the Hash.
So that we all can have our weekly check-ups,
And find out just what caused that nasty rash.
296
I've Only Half a Brain
(To: If I Only Had a Brain (from the Wizard
of Oz))
I could wile away the hours,
Searchin' hills for flour,
Across a wide terrain.
I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful,
If my stomach had a beerful,
'Cause I've only half a brain.
With my arms and legs akimbo,
I'll be chasing after bimbos,
Through mud, thorns, and rain.
I'll be making lots of passes,
As I fondle all their asses,
'Cause I've only half a brain.
Chorus
I'll do down-downs till the keg begins to spit,
Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit,
I'll impress the women with my charming wit,
As I shout out, "Show us your tits!"
Then my beer I will be sharing,
With them as their breast they're baring,
Our urges unrestrained
Oh, our language will be rude as,
We exchange bod-i-ly fluids,
'Cause we've only half a brain. 297
If I Had a Hard On
(To: If I Had a Hammer)
Chorus
Oeh-oeh-oeh-oeh,
Oeh-oeh-oeh-oeh,
Oeh-oeh-oeh.
If I had a hard-on,
A hard-on in the morning,
A hard-on in the evening,
An all-night stand.
I'd screw without danger;
I'd screw without a warning;
I'd screw you and you,
Your mother and your sister,
Aa-all, all night long.
(Gesture: Hold dick as if in pain)
But I don't have a hard-on,
No hard-on in the morning,
No hard-on in the evening,
No hard-on at all.
So there is no danger,
You don't need a warning,
I won't screw you and you,
Your mother nor your sister,
Oh-no, I want to die.
(Gesture: Wipe tears from face)
I bought myself a dildo,
A dildo for the morning,
A dildo for the evening,
To screw around all night.
I screw without danger,
Now I screw without a warning,
But I won't screw you or you,
Your mother nor your sister,
Oh-no, I sodomize myself.
(Gesture: Hold ass as if in pain)
298
If I Were the Marrying Kind
Chorus
If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a-
Rugby full-back.
And he'd find touch, and I'd find touch,
We'd both find touch together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Finding touch together.
Wing three-quarter.
And he'd go hard, and I'd go hard,
We'd both go hard together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Going hard together.
(Substitute the positions and actions for the
above.)
Rugby scrum-half -- put it in
Rugby hooker -- strike hard
Big prop forward -- bind tight
Referee -- blow it
Hash house harrier -- down down
(At the end of the last verse, everyone downs
their beer.)
299
Inbred Man
(To: Honey, Babe)
Inbred Man, he's our man,
Inbred, inbred.
Don't matter if he's kin or Klan,
Inbred, inbred.
Cunt or mouth or asshole too,
Fuck you good that's what he'll do,
Inbred, he's an inbred.
Inbred Man had a sister once,
Inbred, inbred.
Fucked that bitch way up her cunt,
Inbred, inbred.
Fucked her good then she died,
Cause his dick was laced with cyanide,
Inbred, he's an inbred.
(Continued...)
Inbred Man he looses his truck,
Inbred, inbred.
But with his truck he does not fuck,
Inbred, inbred.
Under the hood is much better,
Puts his lips around that header,
Inbred, he's an inbred.
Inbred Man went down to the creek,
Inbred, inbred.
Jacking on his big old dick,
Inbred, inbred.
Saw a girl, she look so neat,
GOD DAMN, she's got feet!
Inbred, he's an inbred.
Inbred Man had a dog named Rover,
Inbred, inbred.
Inbred yelled, "Well, come on over",
Inbred, inbred.
Inbred came and so did Rover,
That's more luck than a four-leaf clover,
Inbred, he's an inbred.
Inbred Man, he's got this punk,
Inbred, inbred.
Boy, that kid smells like a skunk,
Inbred, inbred.
Took it out and shot it twice,
This song is over, ain't that nice,
Inbred, he's an inbred.
300
Incest Time in Texas
(To: Yellow Rose of Texas)
When it's incest time in Texas,
When there's no cunt to be found,
Your mother's in the bathroom,
With her panties halfway down,
No time for masturbation,
No time to beat your meat,
When it's incest time in Texas,
Mother-fucking can't be beat! 301
Incest is Best
(To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down)
Chorus
Incest is best boys,
Incest is best (Fuck a relative!)
Incest is best boys,
Incest is best,
Give a piece to your niece boys,
Give a piece to your niece.
Give a piece to your niece boys,
Give a piece to your niece.
All together now...
Put your knob in Uncle Bob boys,
Put your knob in Uncle Bob.
Put your knob in Uncle Bob boys,
Put your knob in Uncle Bob.
All together now...
(Additional verses as above)
Give a blow to your bro girls...
Shower your sis with some piss boys...
My significant other's my brother girls...
Shoot some goo on Aunt Sue boys...
Do the bum of your Mum boys...
Give a kiss to your sis boys...
Make lovin' to your cousin boys...
I've just had my dad girls...
Put your sis in bliss boys...
Let's fuck Uncle Buck girls...
Rub your palm on your mom boys...
Hide the salami with your mommy boys...
302
Incontinence Is The Shits
(To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down)
Chorus
Incontinence is the shits, mates,
Incontinence is the shits (Damn, too late!)
Incontinence is the shits, mates,
Incontinence is the shits.
Soil your pants at the dance, boys,
Soil your pants at the dance, (Incontinence!)
That's how they do it in France, boys,
Soil your pants at the dance,
All together now...
Take a whiz in your sleep, girls
Take a whiz in your sleep, (Incontinence!)
New sheets are real cheap, girls,
Take a whiz in your sleep.
All together now...
(Other verses, 1st and 3rd lines, use same
form as above.)
Piss down your thigh with a sigh, guys...
What a big mess-oh my, guys...
Move your bowels on her towels, boys...
Never mind all her howls, boys...
Drop a load on the road, boys...
Squat in the road like a toad, boys...
Spend a penny in your teddie, girls...
What's another soaked nightie, girls?
Go wee wee in the laundry, girls...
What a great place for a pee, girls...
Wet your panties at Auntie's, girls...
Another pair of damp scanties, girls...
Piddle right down your middle, boys...
In a constant dribble, boys...
Crap right in your wrap, girls...
A cozy place for a crap, girls...
Relieve yourself in a crowd, mates...
Who'll know if you're not loud, mates?
Make poo poo in your shoe, boys...
Fill that brogan with doo, boys...
Smell like piss at the Ritz, girls...
Give the concierge the fits, girls...
Smellin' like stool ain't too cool, boys...
Clear the classroom at your school, boys...
Wear a diaper on your bottom, boys...
You won't show if you've got 'em, boys...
Stuff TP down your crotch, girls...
That way you won't show a blotch, girls...
Put a catheter up your peter, boys...
Don't that peg your Fun Meter, boys?
Wear rubber undies on Sundays, girls...
What the hell, better wear them on all days!
Be all a-drip on a ship, mates...
Mind the puddle-don't slip, mates...
Make a piddle while you diddle, boys...
Let it dribble on her middle, boys...
Public diarrhea in the cafeteria, girls...
Isn't that your worst fear-ea, girls?
Make a stink at the skating rink, girls...
Leave a stain on the ice, girls... 303
Inside Those Red Plush Breeches
John Thomas was a servant tall,
The pride and joy of the servant's hall,
Although he only had one ball,
Inside his red plush breeches.
Chorus
And he wore red plush breeches,
And he wore red plush breeches,
And he wore red plush breeches that kept
John Thomas warm.
Out of all the servant's at the servant's post,
Mary was the one he loved the most,
And for her his balls would roast,
Inside those red plush breeches.
They went for a walk one moonlight night,
The stars were out and the moon was bright,
Things became extremely tight,
Inside those red plush breeches.
They found a stump to sit upon,
They found a stack to lay upon,
Next day Mary sewed buttons on,
That pair of red plush breeches.
Mary had an illegit,
It's face looked like a piece of shit,
And every time she looked at it,
She cursed those red plush breeches.
Now Mary laid poor John a trap,
And he fell for it like a sap,
And now he's got a dose of clap,
Inside those red plush breeches. 304
Irian Jaya
(To: Mull of Kintyre)
Far have I traveled and much have I seen,
Had blow jobs from Bancis and fucked
things obscene,
Been crippled by herpes and things far more
dire,
But if you want a blow job go to Irian Jaya.
Chorus
Irian Jaya,
To be gobbled by natives is what I desire,
They practice on blowpipes in Irian Jaya.
Been rogered in Rio and poked in Peru,
Been massaged in Manila and then had a screw,
Been fucked in Llanelli by a Welsh male
boys' choir,
But for the height of perversion go to Irian Jaya.
Met a girl in the jungle with a bone through
her nose,
Cunt like a mantrap and strong I suppose,
Bush like a yardbroom that's made out of wire,
So be careful of pussy in Irian Jaya.
Oh the skirt she was wearing was made out
of grass,
It only just covered her sweet little ass,
I felt an erection getting higher and higher,
As I followed that lady from Irian Jaya.
She put down her basket, took hold of my tool,
Pulled back the foreskin and started to drool,
Curled her lips round it, and sir I'm no liar,
They still have headhunters in Irian Jaya.
305
It's A Small Dick
(To: It's a Small World)
Nice response on those occasions when
harriettes tire of the constant "Show us your
Tits" and finally get a reply to "Show us your
Dick".
It's a hash with trails,
It's a hash with beer,
It's a hash that sings,
Many songs of cheer.
But when girls come to call,
And the hash trousers fall,
It's a small dick af-ter all.
Chorus
It's a small dick af-ter all,
It's a small dick af-ter all,
It's a small dick af-ter all,
It's a small, small dick.
Hashers drink their beer,
And they show their pecks,
And all Hashers lear,
'Cause they want some sex,
But when hashers are bed,
And are giv-en some head,
It's a small dick after all.
306
It's Only A Hasher Moon
(To: It's Only a Paper Moon)
Hashers Plead
Say, it's only a Hasher moon,
Rising over the lager keg.
But it wouldn't be make believe,
If you'd give me some leg.
Yes it's only an RA priest,
Helping us to tie the knot.
But it wouldn't be make believe,
If you'd give me some twat.
Without your love,
It's a mug without the beer.
Without your love,
It's a souvenier from a hasher's rear.
It's a lonely and boring hash,
I'm as boney as I can be.
But it wouldn't be so lonely,
If you'd have sex with me.
Harriettes Retort
You say it's only a Hasher moon,
Rising over the lager keg.
But I wouldn't have sex with you,
If you'd stand up and beg!
Yes, it's only an RA priest,
But he's not here to tie the knot.
He's here to give you a down down beast,
You'll never get my twat!
Without your love,
It's a million kegs of beer.
Without your love,
It's a million bucks from a financier.
It's a lonely and boring hash,
I'm as horny as I can be.
But before I'd have sex with you,
I'd fuck a chimpanzee. 307
It's the Same the Whole World Over
She was just a poor man's daughter,
Victim of the rich man's whim,
For he fucked her and he left her,
With a sore and bleeding quim.
Chorus
It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor that get the blame,
It's the rich that get the pleasure,
Ain't it all a bloody shame.
Oh, she went up to the city,
For to hide her bleeding shame,
But a Labour leader (the landlord) up and
fucked her,
Put her on the street again.
See him in the House of Commons,
Passing laws to combat crime,
While the victim of his evil,
Walks the streets at night in shame.
See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his whoring,
Drinks her gin inside a pub.
See him riding in his carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage,
While she wrings her ringless hands.
See him at the fine theater,
In the font row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined,
Entertains a sordid guest.
See her on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing snowballs at the moon,
She said, "sir, I've never had it,"
But she spoke too fucking soon.
Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Picking blackheads from her crotch,
She said, "Sir, I've never had it,"
He said, "No, not fucking much."
See her standing in Picadilly,
Offering her aching quim,
She is now completely ruined,
It was all because of him.
See him seated in his carriage.
Riding homeward from the hunt,
He got riches from his marriage,
She got sores upon her cunt.
Standing on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing cunt-rags at the moon,
First a scream, a splash, Oh goodness!
Has she done a fucking swoon?
When they dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes they wrung,
And they thought that she had downed,
Till her corpse got up and sung.
Then there came a wealthy pimp,
Marriage was the tale he told,
She had no one else to take her,
So she sold her soul for gold.
308
Ivan Skavinsky Scavar
The harems of Egypt are fine to behold,
The harlots the fairest of fair,
But the fairest of all was owned by a sheik,
Named Abdul Abulbul Emir.
A traveling brothel came down from the north,
'Twas privately run for the Tsar,
Who wagered a hundred no one could out-shag,
Ivan Skavinsky Scavar.
(Continued...) A day was arranged for the spectacle great,
A holiday proclaimed by the Tsar,
And the streets were all lined with the harlots
assigned,
To Ivan Skavinsky Scavar.
All hairs they were shorn, no frenchies were
worn,
And this suited Abdul by far,
And he'd quite set his mind on a fast action
grind,
To beat Ivan Skavinsky Scavar.
Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his side,
His eye bore a leer of desire,
And he started to brag how he would out shag,
Ivan Scavinski Scavar.
They met on the track with cocks at the slack,
A starter's gun punctured the air,
They were both quick to rise; the crowd
gaped at the size,
Of Abdul Abulbul Emir.
They worked all the night in the pale yellow
light,
Old Abdul he revved like a car,
But he couldn't compete with the slow steady
beat,
Of Ivan Skavinsky Scavar.
_So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun,
He bent down to polish the pair,
When something red hot up his back passage
shot,
'Twas Abdul Abulbul Emir.
The harlots turned green; the crowd shouted
"Queen!"
They were ordered apart by the Tsar.
'Twas bloody bad luck for poor Abdul was stuck,
Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar.
The cream of the joke came when they broke,
'Twas laughed at for years by the Tsar,
For Abdul the fool has left half of his tool,
Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. 309
Jenny Brown
As I was walking by the shore,
I happened there to see,
A woman's form a-lyin' there,
As still as still could be.
The dress she wore was gingham blue,
Her hair all tumbled down;
She might have been my own true love,
My sweetheart Jenny Brown.
I approached the body with despair,
Saw her bruised and battered feet.
I pulled the seaweed from her hair,
Where the crabs had begun to eat.
I had treated her so cruelly,
Never the proper way.
When I saw her last she cried,
And then she ran away.
I waffed the flies and bugs,
Away from her swollen and bloated chest.
I breathed in very deeply,
And then I held my breath.
I thought that I could keep it down,
But oh was I so wrong.
I'm sorry but I barfed upon,
My sweetheart, Jenny Brown.
A sense of quiet came over the beach,
Her death was painless and fast,
It seems that I had lost her now;
My true love was gone at last.
Then, "Aha," she jumped up and said,
"I'll bet you thought I'd drowned."
What a wrotten sense of humor,
Has my sweetheart Jenny Brown. 310
Jesus Saves Hashers
By Smoking Wiener)
(To: Jesus Saves)
Stray Dog put together a hash which finished
at a rugby tournament. Rudgers and hashers
in one place can make for a lot of drinking
and a lot of singing. This is one song passed
to the hashers from the rudgers and later
modified by Smoking Wiener.
Apologies from the lyricist to those religious
types it may offend, it is meant only in jest.
Good to pass this one around the circle, then
if someone screws up a verse, the pack can
shout, "Hasher Redeem thyself, or Ream
thyself." and the offender does a down down.
Jesus can't go hashing,
'Cause the beer leaks out his side.
Jesus can't go hashing,
'Cause the beer leaks out his side.
Jesus can't go hashing,
'Cause the beer leaks out his side.
Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves.
(Turning around and flicking beer in the air
chant the following)
DaDa DaDat DatDat
DaDa DaDat DatDat
DaDa DaDat DatDat
(Continue with the following verses,
repeating each three times before the
chorus.)
Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause the flower sifts through his hands.
Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause he lays a bloody trail.
Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause he wears the briar as a crown.
Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause he only drinks white wine. Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause he walks upon the water.
Jesus can't lay hash trail,
'Cause he drags a heavy cross.
311
John Brown's Penis
(To: Battle Hymn of the Republic)
John Brown's penis was a bloody awful sight,
Mucked about with gonorrhea and buggered
up with shite,
The agonies of syphilis kept him awake all night,
But he still went rogering along.
Chorus
Oh, the hoary old seducer,
Oh, the hoary old seducer,
Oh, the hoary old seducer,
He still went rogering along!
The color of his water was sort of orange-ale,
Little gonorrhea germs within his scrotum played,
In spite of these inconveniences, he went on
undismayed.
Yes he still went rogering along.
Girls would come from miles around to his
Baronial Hall,
To see his giant penis and his one remaining
ball,
And see the rows of maiden heads all hung
around the wall, But
he still went rogering along.
312
John Peel
Do you ken John Peel,
With his prick of steel,
And his balls of brass,
And his celluloid ass.
Do you ken John Peel,
With his prick of steel,
And it all comes in the morning! 313
Jonestown
(To: Downtown)
When you are broke and your religion's a joke,
You can always go to - Jonestown.
When life's incomplete there's only one man
to meet,
So won't you come and see - Jim Jones.
Watch him as he stirs the vat of koolaid that's
so lethal.
Listen to the anguished crys of all his dying
people-
No one survives!
The Rev's a most gracious host,
So let's lift up our glass to the ultimate toast.
We're at - Jonestown.
Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown,
The chances are mighty slim - Jonestown,
The people are dropping like flies in,
Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown.
There was Congressman Ryan on his mission
of spying
But he would not drink with - Jim Jones.
For such a disgrace they had to blow off his
face,
Now tell me who's to blame - Jim Jones.
But it forced the Rev to put his final plan
into action.
He drank the brew and when it's through,
he saw with satisfaction,
Everyone died!
The deaths were both painful and slow,
But to live or to die, it's a great way to go.
We're at - Jonestown.
Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown
The chances are mighty slim - Jonestown
The people are dropping like flies in,
Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown,
Jonestown. 314
Just a Gigolo
(To: Just a Gigolo)
Chorus
Just a Gigolo,
Everywhere I go,
People know the part I'm playing.
Paid for every dance,
Selling each romance,
Ev'ry night some heart betraying.
There will come a day,
Youth will pass away,
Then what will they say about me.
When the end comes I know,
They'll say "Just a Gigolo",
As life goes on without me.
(Young Harriette)
He's just a Gigolo,
But his balls hang down low,
His cock is fine for playing.
With a little luck,
I can get a fuck,
Without even paying.
If I give him a lick,
Or suck his big dick,
He will cum without me.
But he's up very fast,
And willing to last,
As I cli-max without fee.
(Old Harriette)
He's just a Gigolo,
He fucks much too slow,
He's not much good for staying.
He won't even fuck,
'Til I show him a buck,
Then his dick begins a swaying.
He's a drunken old sot,
When he licks my twat,
Why does he always throw up?
Why does he turn green,
And make a big scene,
Every-time I show up?
(Continued...) (A Gay)
He's just a Gigolo,
He likes a good blow,
He'll plug your bum for fifty.
If you bend over quick,
He'll give you his dick,
His technique is quite nifty.
He's not really gay,
But if you will pay,
He'll satisfy your aching.
He'll take a good suck,
For only a buck,
It's money he's a making.
(A Husband)
He's just a Gigolo,
If anybody knows,
Where I can find the bastard.
He messed up my life,
By spoiling my wife,
Now I can't satisfy her.
If I find him around,
His balls I will pound,
And serve them to my woman.
I will cut off his dick,
And serve it on a stick,
He'll never more be cummin'
(His Mother)
He's just a Gigolo,
But I trained him so,
Since he was on my tittie.
He had a great tongue,
For one so young,
Still in diapers shitty.
My twat he would lick,
As he grew a dick,
He learned his trade from Mommy.
I helped him everyday,
To train in every way,
Now he makes a lot of money. (His Father)
He's just a Gigolo,
I'm proud of him so,
I envy his vocation,
Gets laid everyday,
And even gets pay,
Along with paid vacation.
With a different life,
A nagging wife,
He'd never had such pleasure.
He's the son I adore,
A lovable whore,
Valued beyond any measure.
(His Priest)
He's just a Gigolo,
A bastard you know,
His sin is beyond measure.
He's never in mass,
He's with every lass,
He only lives for pleasure.
He's done every sin,
More than most men,
He needs a real confession.
His life is that way,
As long as they pay,
On Sunday he's in session.
(His Doctor)
He's just a Gigolo,
But everybody knows,
He's dying any day now.
He fucks all night long,
He's worn out his dong,
His balls sag all the way now.
He bleeds when he pees,
His liver's Swiss cheese,
He shits into his britches.
From licking the tits,
And drunken clits,
Of pus infested bitches. 315
Keep On Hashing (Regardless of 1997)
(To: I Don't Want to Join the Army)
I got the shits with Mainland China,
I got the shits with them old boys you see,
When your on the PADS you know,
You shouldn't screw the lads,
Stuffing up the earnings of our gweilo package.
I know how to cope with these frustrations,
And it could be called a Carlsberg jamboree,
Why can't we stay with England?
With merry merry England,
And get a lease for one more century.
So we go...
Chorus
Monday hashing with the he-men,
Tuesday hashing with the girls,
By Wednesday I'm a mess, Little Sai Wan, I
confess,
Drinking all the earnings of my gweilo package;
Thursday--the Gentlemen of the SouthSide,
And to The Wanch for some more therapy,
Why can't we stay with England?
With merry merry England,
And get a lease one more century.
We don't want to be in China,
We don't want to work for yuan,
We'd rather hang around,
Hong Kong dollar or the Pound,
Living off the earnings of our gweilo package;
Won't spend our days on a two-weeler,
Won't spend our evenings drinking tea!
We'd rather stay with England,
With merry merry England,
And get a lease for one more century.
So we go...
They say it is a doomed territory,
They say they'll push us Brits into the sea,
I called up my Mother, my sister, and my brother,
They said, "You can't live with me!"
I don't want to join the party,
I don't want to be a man called Wong!
I just want to go down, to old Wanchai,
Spend up all the earnings of my Gweilo package;
I don't want no mainland women,
'Cause Hong Kong's full of girls I haven't had,
I just want to stay with England,
With merry merry England,
And colonize the place, just like my Dad.
And he went...
We don't want to call the army,
We don't want to go to war,
We'd rather hang around,
Build an airport, on our ground,
Building up the earnings of our Gweilo package;
There's a lot some people take for granted,
There's a lot of politicking yet to come,
But with Maggie and with Taiwan,
We could push the border back to Canton,
But with their "A" bomb,
I 'spose that's kind of dumb.
Cause there'd be,
No more hashing with the he-men,
No more hashing with the girls,
By Wednesday, what a mess,
All that fall-out, I confess,
The living would be frying,
In that thermal package;
No more gents, no more South-side,
So everybody get down on your knees,
Be careful will ya England,
Real careful careful England,
And ask 'em nicely for an airport please!
(Glossary for this song:)
PADS - the Port and Airport Development Strategy,
which China has resisted to prevent Hong Kong
spending its stored billions in reserves.
Gweilo - a derogatory Chinese expression for
Westerner meaning 'white ghost.'
316
Keyhole Song
I was invited for the weekend,
To a ball at Cholondely Hall,
To celebrate the wedding,
Of Sue Vere and Cousin Paul.
I read the guest list over,
And imagine my delight,
When I found Sweet Fanny Adams,
Had come to spend the night.
Chorus
Oh, the keyhole in the door,
The keyhole in the door.
I took up my position,
by the keyhole in the door.
I left the ballroom early,
Twas only half past nine,
And as I hoped to find it,
Her room lay next to mine.
So taking off my trousers,
I started to explore,
I took up my position,
By the keyhole in the door.
I hadn't long to wait there,
Wrapped in my dressing gown,
When I saw Fanny on the staircase,
Retiring all alone.
She didn't lock her bedroom door,
I couldn't ask for more,
And crept out of the shadows,
By the keyhole in the door.
She sat down by the fireside,
Her lily white tits to warm,
With only a nylon chemise on,
To hide her naked form.
If only she would take it off,
What man could ask for more?
By God, I saw her take it off,
Through the keyhole in the door.
With soft and trembling fingers,
I opened up the door,
With soft and trembling footsteps,
I crossed the bedroom floor.
And so that no other man could,
See what I'd seen before,
I stuffed that nylon chemise up,
The keyhole in the door.
That night I rode in glory,
As I plumbed the girl's insides,
And on her heaving belly
Had many splendid rides.
That morning when I woke up,
My prick was red and sore,
I felt that I'd been screwing,
Through the keyhole in the door.
317
King of the Nerds
(To: King of the Road)
Theorems to prove or not,
Differentials get me hot,
Got three advanced degrees,
I don't pay no software fees.
I work - hard on my code at nights,
My system's fifty-gigabytes,
Don't have much truck with words,
'Cause I'm (um-um) King of the Nerds.
Chorus
I know every engineer on every mainframe,
Each fileserver, and all of their names,
I know every BBS in every town,
And who to call for service when the system
is down.
You know I watch Star Treck, TNG,
I follow Science Fiction Fantasy,
I read PC news for thrills,
I don't have no social skills,
Ah, but cheap beer and take-out foods,
Get me lots of geeks in party moods.
Good grooming's for the birds,
When you're (um-um) King of the Nerds,
And (um-um) I'm King of the Nerds. 318
Lady Hardonna
(To: Lady Madonna)
Lady Hardonna, men at your feet,
Wonder how you manage to beat their meat.
You find the money, when you need to pay
the rent,
You know that money isn't heaven sent.
Friday's guy arrives without a suitcase,
Sunday's Hasher creeps in like a bum,
Monday's likes to be tied with his boot lace,
See how they'll cummmm!
Lady Hardonna, Hasher at your breast,
Wonder how you manage to please the rest?
Lady Hardonna, lying on the bed,
No worry a-bout losing your maid-en-head.
Tuesday's love is never ending,
Wednesday morning milkman didn't cum,
Thursday night your diaphragm needed mending,
See how they'll cummmm!
Lady Hardonna, Hashers at your feet,
Wonder how you manage to beat their meee-eat?
319
Large Balls
Miss Jones was walking down the street,
When a young fellow she happened to meet,
Was giving the girls a hell of a treat,
Twisting and turning his balls.
Chorus
But they were large balls, large balls,
Twice as heavy as lead, cha, cha;
And with two twists of his muscular wrists,
He threw them right over his head.
Sera-aboom, sera-a-boom, sera-a-boom
boom boom.
A policeman to the scene was called,
He said, "A lesson'll have to be taught,
Because it's certain that no one ought,
To be twisting and turning his balls." The prisoner standing in the dock,
He gave the judge a hell of a shock,
Insisting on showing the jury his cock,
And twisting and turning his balls.
The judge he said, "The case is clear,
The fine will be a pint of beer,
For any young bugger that cums in here,
Twisting and turning his balls."
320
Leaver's Song
(To: Annie's Song)
Chorus
You're leaving Jakarta,
You silly old farter,
Your best days are over,
You're ready to go,
Your wrinkles are showing,
Your beer belly is growing,
Your semen's stopped flowing,
You're all clapped out now.
You abandoned your wife,
In favor of night life,
You screwed till the morning,
Then came back for more,
Even your maid was willing,
To sample your drilling,
But now your bit's broken,
They've shown you to the door.
We marvel to witness,
Your standard of fitness,
You suffered no ailments,
Not even a cough,
But from self-abuse,
And living so loose,
Your extremity's withered,
And your balls have dropped off.
(Continued...) You came full of purpose,
But now you are surplus,
You were full of ideas,
You were at the forefront,
Now your skills are outdated,
Your job's automated,
You're now on the scrap heap,
You stupid old cunt.
321
Leprosy
(To: Yesterday)
Birth control, is the only way to save my soul.
Since I put it in my girl friend's hole,
Now I believe in birth control.
Chorus
Why I had to cum,
I don't know she wouldn't blow.
I did something wrong,
Now I long for birth control.
Pregnancy, there's a shotgun hanging over me.
Why has this bulge got to be?
I should have used one silly me.
Chorus
Syphilis, feels like razors everytime I piss.
Who the hell's to blame for this?
It's agony this syphilis.
Chorus
How I got that sore,
I didn't know, she was a whore.
I was indiscreet,
Now I've got infected meat, eat, eat, eat.
Syphilis,
Chancre sores and spots upon my skin,
I never should have stuck it in,
Now I will die of syphilis.
Chorus
Leprosy, bits and pieces falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Since I acquired leprosy.
Chorus
Chorus
Why things fall away,
I don't know, no one will say.
When I solve hash trail,
It's my parts that point the way, ay, ay, ay.
Leprosy,
Stumps for toes and fingers, woe is me,
There goes my dick, how will I pee?
Quite messily, with leprosy.
Chorus
322
Let Me Ball You Sweetheart
(To: Let Me Call You Sweetheart)
Let me ball you sweetheart; I'm in bed with
you,
Let me hear you whisper that it's time to screw.
Make your body wiggle in the same old way,
And I'll be back to see you on my next pay day.
Let me call you sweetheart; I'm in bed with
you,
Let me pinch your boobies till they're black
and blue.
Let me stroke your vulva till it's filled with
goo,
Let's play hide the weenie up your old wazoo.
323
Let's Have a Party
(To: Money Makes the World Go Round)
Parties make the world go 'round,
World go 'round, world go 'round,
Parties make the world go 'round,
Let's have a party!
We're going to tear down the bar (Boo)
We're going to build a new bar ('ray)
One inch deep (Boo)
Two miles long ('ray)
Soda's going to be five dollars a glass (Boo)
Whiskey's free ('ray)
We're going to dump all the beer in the pool
(Boo)
Then we're all going swimmin' ('ray)
They'll be no bartenders at out bar (Boo)
Barmaids ('ray)
In long dresses (Boo)
Made of cellophane ('ray)
You can't take our girls to your rooms (Boo)
Our girls take you to their rooms ('ray)
But you can't sleep with our girls (Boo)
Our girls won't let you sleep ('ray)
There will be no fuckin' on the dancin' floor
(Boo)
And there'll be no dancin' on the fuckin' floor
('ray)
Parties make the world go 'round,
World go 'round, world go 'round,
Parties make the world go 'round,
Let's have a party! 324
Life Presents a Dismal Picture
(To: Deutschland Uber Alles)
Life presents a dismal picture,
Dark and dreary as the tomb,
Father's got urethral stricture,
Mother's got a prolapsed womb.
Uncle James has been deported,
For a homosexual crime,
Nell, our maid, has just aborted,
For the forty-second time.
Ours is not a happy household,
No-one laughs or even smiles,
Mine's a dismal occupation,
Crushing ice for grampa's piles.
Jane the under-housemaid vomits,
Every morning just at eight,
To the horror of the butler,
Who's the author of her fate.
Auntie Kate has diarrhea,
Shits ten times more than she ought,
Stand all day beside the rear,
Lest she should be taken short.
Grandpa, lurking in the woodshed,
Found a fetus in a case,
Father Pryke says it is murder,
Of sister Annie there's no trace.
Uncle Charlie has a chancre,
Caught from Uncle Henry's wife,
May's in bed with menstruation,
Auntie's at the change of life.
Mabel's husband's now in prison,
For a childish prank of mine,
Pinching things that wasn't his'n,
Women's scanties off a line.
(Continued...) Dad's a man who likes the bestial,
Incest is my mother's fun,
So the whole four sleep together,
Father, mother, horse, and son.
Anal-oral trends disgust me,
Though pronounced in Tiny Tim,
For I much prefer fellatio,
He sucks me and I suck him.
Little Jim keeps masturbating,
Though we tell him it's a sin,
Uncle Dave's the Kingsgrove slasher,
Uncle Henry dobbed him in.
Still we must not be down-hearted,
We must not be put about,
Cousin Susie has just farted,
Turned her arsehole inside out!
325
Little Bird
There was a little bird,
No bigger than a turd,
And he sat upon a telegraph pole.
He stuck out his little neck,
And he shat about a peck,
As he puckered up his little asshole.
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,
As he puckered up his little asshole.
326
Little Bit Off the Top
(To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home)
When I was eight days old my boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
When I was eight days old my boys,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
The Rabbi came with a big sharp knife,
And I surely thought he would take my life,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top. O, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
O, that is what they call a bris,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
And if the Rabbi doesn't miss,
It makes for a more interesting piss,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.
The Rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
The Rabbi, he is called a moyl,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
And over me he sure did toil,
I thought I would end up a goil,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.
O, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
O, circumcision is all right,
Hurrah, Hurrah!
But every morning and every night,
You aim to the left and pee to the right,
But all he took was a,
Little bit off the top.
327
Little Brown Mouse
Oh, the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor,
And the place was closed for the night,
When out from his hole crept a little brown
mouse,
And sat in the pale moonlight.
Oh, he lapped up the liquor on the barroom
floor,
And back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear him roar,
"Bring on the goddamned cat!"
Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat,
And the cat ate up on the mouse,
And the moral of the story is,
You can't drink liquor on the house!
328
The Little Brown Shitter in the Vale
(To: The Little Brown Church in the Vale)
There's a toilet in the valley by the wildwood,
No lov-li-er place in the dale;
No spot is so dear to my chi-ild-hood,
As the lit-tle brown shitter in the vale.
Chorus
(Part of the pack starts singing background
making masterbating gestures with each
word)
Oh, cum, cum, cum, cum, ...
(The rest of the pack joins in after four
"cum's" and sings...)
Cum in the toilet in the in the wild-wood,
O cum in the shitter in the dale.
(Then all together sing...)
No spot is so dear to my chi-ild-hood,
As the lit-tle brown shitter in the vale.
How nice in the morning when you're horn-y,
To find a quite place to set your tail,
Re-lease is just a few stokes in pri-va-cy,
Then you cum in that shitter in the vale.
329
Little Red Train
When Johnny Comes Marching Home
A little red train came down the track,
She blew, she blew.
A little red train came down the track,
She blew, she blew.
A little red train came down the track,
And I don't give a damn if she never comes
back,
Away she blew, oh Jesus, how she blew.
The engineer was at the throttle,
She blew, she blew.
The engineer was at the throttle,
She blew, she blew.
The engineer was at the throttle,
A-jacking off in a whiskey bottle,
Away she blew, oh Jesus, how she blew. (Continue verses below as above)
...The fireman, he was shoveling coal,
Right up the engineer's asshole...
...The switchman, he was at the switch,
A-swishing away like a son of a bitch...
...A blonde was in the dining car,
A-puffing away on a black cigar...
...A porter was waiting in the car,
To take the place of the black cigar...
...The flagman he stood out in the grass,
The staff of the flag run up his ass...
330
Lobster Song
"Oh, mister fisherman, home from the sea,
Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?"
Chorus
Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust,
Never let your ballocks dangle in the dust.
"Yes sir, yes sir, I have two,
And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to
you."
So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't
find a dish,
So I put the fucking lobster where the missus
has a piss.
In the middle of the night, as you well know,
The missus got up to let the water flow.
Well, first there came a groan, and then there
came a grunt,
And the bloody lobster grabbed her by the cunt.
The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed
the broom,
And we chased the fucking lobster round and
round the room.
(Continued...)
We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side,
We hit that fucking lobster till the bastard died.
Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it,
Always have a look before you take a piss.
That's the end of my story, there isn't any more,
There's an apple up my asshole, and you can
have the core.
Down in Nagasaki the monkey fucked the cat,
And all the cat could do was fuck the
monkey back.
331
Loopy
(To: Sweet Betsy from Pike)
Twas down in cunt valley where red rivers flow,
Where cocksuckers flourish and
maidenheads grow,
Twas there I met Loopy, the girl I adore,
She's a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore.
Chorus
She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, she'll tickle
your nuts,
And if you're not happy, she'll suck out your
guts,
She'll wrap her legs around you till you want
to die,
But I'd rather eat Loopy than sweet cherry pie.
When Loopy was a young girl of just about
eight,
She'd swing too and fro on the back garden
gate.
The crossmember parted, the upright went in,
And since then she's lived in a welter of sin.
Now Loopy is dead and she lays in her tomb,
The worms crawl around in her decomposed
womb.
The smile on her face, well it says give me more,
I'm a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore.
332
Lulu
(To: Good Night Ladies)
This one allows you to sing dirty songs while
leaving out the offensive words. Good for
public places where tolerance is low.
Chorus
Bang, Bang, Lulu,
Bang, Bang away,
Who's gonna' bang bang Lulu,
When Lulu's gone away.
Lulu had a chicken,
Lulu had a duck,
She put the two together,
To see if they could...
Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Diamond Dick,
She never got his diamond,
But always got his...
Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
She couldn't call it Lulu,
'Cause the bastard had a...
I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She'd grab me by the...
She and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time she caught a sprat,
She'd stuff up her...
Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But Lulu works in a honky tonk,
With forty other...
(Continued...) I wish I were the silver ring,
On Lulu's dainty hand,
Then every time she scratches her arse,
I'd see the promised...
I wish I were the chamber pot,
Under Lulu's bed,
Then every time she took a piss,
I'd see her maiden...
Lulu had two boy-friends,
Both were very rich,
One was the son of a banker,
The other a son-of-a...
Lulu had a boy-friend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her down the alley,
To see if he could...
Lulu had a boy-friend,
A funny little chap,
Every time they had a bit,
She got a dose of...
Lulu was a pretty girl,
She had a lot of class,
Mini-skirts she'd wear a lot,
To let her show her...
Lulu had a bicycle,
The seat was very sharp,
Every time she sat on it,
It would slip right up her...
Lulu had a boy-friend,
He was very fit,
Working all day on the farm,
His job was shoveling...
Lulu and a boy-friend,
A stunted little runt,
One day they went to have a bit,
And he vanished up her...
Lulu had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket,
Every time the lamb jumped out,
The bulldog used to...
She and I went walking,
We walked along the grass,
She slipped on a banana peel,
And fell down on her...
Lulu made some porridge,
It was very thick,
Lulu wouldn't eat it,
But she'd smear it on my...
Lulu had a bicycle,
The seat was very blunt,
Every time she jumps on it,
It sticks her in the...
Lulu has a bicycle,
The seat was made of glass,
And every time she hit a bump,
A piece went up her...
Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Michael Hunt,
She like him above the rest,
Because he'd eat her...
Lulu had a turtle,
And Lulu had a duck.
She put them in the bathtub,
To see if they would...
Lulu had a vanity chair,
It was made of glass,
Every time she sat on it,
You could see her...
Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Billy Batch,
But Lulu had to break it off,
When it got stuck in her big 'ol...
Lulu had a job, but then she had to quit,
'Cause every time she turned around,
The boss would grab her... 333
Lumberjack Song
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.
Chorus
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
Have buttered scone for tea.
Chorus
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers,
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
Chorus
I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra,
I wish I were a girlie,
Just like my old papa.
Chorus
334
Lydia the Tattooed Lady
(To: Lydia the Tattooed Lady)
Lydia, oh Lydia,
Say have you met Lydia,
Lydia the tattooed lady,
She has eyes that men adore so,
And a torso even more so.
Lydia, oh Lydia,
That encyclopedia,
Lydia the queen of tattoo,
On her back is the battle of Waterloo,
Beside it the wreck of the Titanic too,
And proudly above waves the red white and
blue,
You can learn a lot from Lydia.
La de da, la de da, la de da, la de da.
She can give you a view of the world in tattoo,
If you step up and tell her where,
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,
Or Washington Crossing the Delaware.
La de da, la de da, la de da, la de da.
Lydia, oh Lydia,
Lydia the tattooed lady,
When her muscles start relaxin',
Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.
Lydia, oh Lydia,
Lydia the champ of them all,
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet,
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a
beat,
And now he's in command of the fleet,
For he went and married Lydia.
335
MacDonald's Farm
(To: Old MacDonald Had a Farm)
This is best done passing the lead around
the circle. Use appropriate gestures.
Old MacDonald had a farm,
Ee-i-ee-i-oh.
And on this farm he had some cows,
Ee-i-ee-i-oh.
And the cows were cowing it here,
And the cows were cowing it there,
cowing it here, cowing it there,
cowing it everywhere,
Old MacDonald had a farm,
Ee-i-ee-i-oh.
And on this farm he had some rams,
Ee-i-ee-i-oh.
And the rams were ramming it here,
And the rams were ramming it there,
Ramming it here, ramming it there,
Ramming it everywhere,
And the cows were cowing it here,
And the cows were cowing it there,
Cowing it here, cowing it there,
Cowing it everywhere.
(Continue adding animals and gestures)
Chickens - pecking
Sheep - shagging
Dogs - sniffing
Geese - goosing
Turkeys - gobbling
Bulls - balling
Pullets - pulling
336
Madeline Schmidt
(To: Sweet Betsy From Pike)
There was a young maiden named Madeline
Schmidt,
Who went to the doctor 'cause she couldn't shit,
He gave her some medicine all wrapped up
in glass,
Up went the window and out went her ass!
Chorus
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
It was brown, brown, shit all around,
And the whole world was covered in,
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
A handsome young copper was walking his
beat,
He just happened to be on that side of the street,
He looked up so innocent, he looked up so shy,
And a big wad of shit hit him right in his eye!
That handsome young copper he cursed and
he swore,
He called that young maiden a dirty old whore,
And beneath London Bridge you can still see
him sit,
With a sign 'round his neck saying,
"Blinded by shit"!
Two fast moving Hashers came running along,
Throwing flour and paper and singing their
song,
Singing, Hi-Diddle-Diddle, and flogging
their dongs,
The hares were trail-setting,
The pack wouldn't be long.
The hares found the copper alone by the pit,
Threw flour in the holes where his eyes used
to fit,
The hares led the pack by a block and a bit,
Said, "We'll lead the damn pack,
Through these puddles of SHIT!"
The hares led the pack to the edge of the pit,
They slipped and they slid in the puddles of
shit,
They fell in the shiggy, right up to their tails,
Ere they sank out of sight,
They marked it true trail!
The pack followed bravely, the pack
followed true,
They followed the hares into that vile brew,
They followed true trail right into the pit,
Soon the whole pack of Hashers,
Was drowning in shit!
This tale has a lesson if you think a bit,
Don't follow true trail right into the pit,
Remember that hares can be damn bloody fools,
And in Hashing, like loving,
There's no fucking rules! 337
Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up
to be Hashers
(To: Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up
to be Cowboys)
Hashers ain't easy to love and they're harder
to hold,
They'd rather have them a beer than
diamonds or gold.
Nike shoes, whistles and old faded run shorts,
And each week begins a new trail.
If you don't understand him and he don't die
young,
He'll probably fuck you and bail.
Chorus
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be hashers.
Don't let them run hash trails and down
down that beer,
Let them play baseball and football all year.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be hashers.
'Cause they'll never stay home and they're
always on trail,
Even when promised some tail.
Hashers like smokie old beer pubs and wet
muddy shiggy,
Little warm sheep pens and rubbers and girls
of the night.
Them that don't know him won't like him,
And them that do sometimes won't know
how to take him.
When he drinks beer too much and he's
puking his guts,
He's being a hasher al-right.
338
Man Trap
(To: Ring of Fire)
Love is a burning thing,
Met a girl who could make me sing,
A snatch was never wider,
I fell into her huge vagina.
I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, almost the whole
way to China.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.
The taste, it was so sweet,
Then I slid in my meat,
Just before I was done,
She asked, "Are you in yet hon?"
I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, almost the whole
way to China.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.
(Let it squirm!)
I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
Went down, down, down, but she wouldn't
let me ride her,
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina.
I tasted her and then,
I had to try again,
She said, with all her charm,
"Don't use your cock again, try your arm."
I fell into her steamy wet vagina,
With arms and legs both, I couldn't satisfy her.
And it turns, squirms, churns,
That huge vagina, that huge vagina. 339
Mary Ann Burns
Mary Ann Burns is the queen of all the acrobats,
She can do tricks that'll give a guy the shits,
She can shoot green peas from her
fundamental orifice,
Do a somersault and catch 'em on her tits.
She's a great big son-of-a-bitch,
Twice as big as me,
Got hair on her ass like the branches on a tree,
She can swim, fish, fight, fuck,
Fly an airplane, drive a truck,
Mary Ann Burns is the girl for me.
340
Mary Ann McCarthy
(To: Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig
some clams.
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig
some clams.
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig
some clams,
But she didn't get one son of a bitchin' clam,
All she got was oysters,
All she got was oysters,
All she got was oysters,
But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.
She dug up all the mud there was in San
Francisco Bay,
She dug up all the mud there was in San
Francisco Bay,
She dug up all the mud there was in San
Francisco Bay,
And all she ever got was crabs.
All she ever got was crabs.
All she ever got was crabs.
All she ever got was crabs.
But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.
She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand,
She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand,
She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand,
But all she ever got was piles.
All she ever got was piles.
All she ever got was piles.
All she ever got was piles.
But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.
She went to every party that the Army ever
gave,
She went to every party that the Army ever
gave,
She went to every party that the Army ever
gave,
But all she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
All she ever got was clap,
But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam.
341
Mary Box
This is the tale of Mary Box,
Who gave a thousand men the pox,
Soldiers and sailors and men of honor,
Fought like fiends to climb upon her,
And now that she's dead, she's not forgotten,
They dig her up and fuck her rotten.
342
Mary in the Kitchen
Mary in the kitchen punching duff,
Punching duff, punching duff,
Mary in the kitchen punching duff,
Bullshit,
Mary in the kitchen punching duff,
When the cheeks of her arse
Went chuff, chuff, chuff,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.
(Continued...)
Mary in the kitchen boiling rice,
Boiling rice, boiling rice,
Mary in the kitchen boiling rice,
Bullshit,
Mary in the kitchen boiling rice,
When out of her cunt jumped three blind mice,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.
Mary in the kitchen shelling peas,
Shelling peas, shelling peas,
Mary in the kitchen shelling peas,
Bullshit,
Mary in the kitchen shelling peas,
The hairs of her cunt hung down to her knees,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.
Mary in the garden sifting cinders,
Sifting cinders, sifting cinders,
Mary in the garden sifting cinders,
Bullshit,
Mary in the garden sifting cinders,
Blew one fart and broke ten windows,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.
Mary had a dog whose name was Ben,
Name was Ben, name was Ben,
Mary had a dog whose name was Ben,
Bullshit,
Mary had a dog whose name was Ben,
Had one ball which worked like ten,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room.
Mary in the kitchen baking cakes,
Baking cakes, baking cakes,
Mary in the kitchen baking cakes,
Bullshit,
Mary in the kitchen baking cakes,
When out of the tits came two mild shakes,
Shit all around the room, tra-la,
Shit all around the room. 343
Masturbation
(To: Finculi-Fincula)
Harriers Verses:
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would,
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You, should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand,
You, should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.
Smash it, bash it, throw it on the floor,
Wrap it around the bedpost, stick it in the door,
Some people say that sexual intercourse is
something really grand.
But, me, I'd rather stay at home and work it
off by hand.
Harriettes Verses:
Last night I laid and masturbated,
It did me good, I knew it would.
All night, the bed springs they vibrated,
I think it's canny, to rub my fanny.
You, should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand.
You, should have seen me on the long strokes,
Around and round, and up and down.
Eased it, teased it, slid along the floor,
Rubbed it, scrubbed it, tickled it to the core.
Some people say that being fucked is very grand,
But for personal enjoyment, I'd would rather
use my hand. 344
Masturbation
(To: Alouette)
Chorus
Masturbation, I like masturbation,
Masturbation, I like to masturbate.
Songmaster: How I like to choke my chicken.
Pack: Yes, he likes to choke his chicken.
Songmaster: Choke my chicken.
Pack: Choke his chicken.
Songmaster: Masturbate.
Pack: Masturbate.
All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ...
Songmaster: How I love to spank my monkey.
Pack: Yes, he loves to spank his monkey.
Songmaster: Spank my monkey.
Pack: Spank his monkey.
Songmaster: Choke my chicken.
Pack: Choke his chicken.
Songmaster: Masturbate.
Pack: Masturbate.
All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ...
(Continue adding lines from the
additional verses below.)
Harriers:
How I love to...
...Yank my chain
...Flog my log
...Lope my mule
...Rub my nub
...Whip my lizard
...Beat my meat
...Pull my pony
Harriettes:
...Swat my twat
...Tease the beaver
...Stroke my snatch
...Tap my gap
...Use three fingers
...Moan and jerk
(See "Fornication" for another song
to naturally follow this one.) 345
The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter
(To: The Ash Grove)
The Songmaster, or a different hasher from
the circle, takes a verse each time, and the
Pack responds during the chorus.
The Mayor of Bayswater,
He had a pretty daughter.
Chorus
And the hairs of her dinky-di-doo,
Hang down to her knees.
And the hairs... (Pack echoes:) And the hairs!
And the hairs... (Pack echoes:) And the hairs!
(together)
*And the hairs of her dinky-di-doo,
Hang down to her knees.
She lived on a mountain,
And pissed like a bloody fountain.
I've smelt it, I've felt it,
It's just like a piece of velvet.
You need a coal miner,
To find her vagina.
She's not a great looker,
But everyone took 'er.
She slept with a demon,
Who washed her with semen.
When she was at the Hash House,
They sheltered my trouser mouse.
If she were my daughter,
I'd have them cut shorter.
She fished at the bass hole,
While I poled her asshole.
(Continued...)
She married a Japanese,
And blew him every time he sneezed.
She came from Glamorgan,
With a cunt like a barrel organ.
She lived in a lighthouse,
Which stank like a bloody shitehouse.
I've seen it, I've seen it,
I've lain right in between it.
She went with a Hash House Harrier,
Who fucked her but wouldn't marry her.
I've stroked them, I've poked them,
I've even rolled them up and smoked them.
She married a preacher,
To find out what he could teach her.
If she were my daughter,
I'd have them cut shorter.
She says she's not a whore,
But she bangs like a shit-house door.
I could not believe my eyes,
When I peed between her thighs.
She stayed on a cattle ranch,
And came like a bloody avalanche.
She lived on a malted milkshake,
And rooted like a bloody rattlesnake.
She married an Italian,
With balls like a fucking stallion.
She divorced the Italian,
And married a stallion.
It was always hit-or-miss,
Whether I could find her clitoris.
Her cat's name was Boris,
And it played with her clitoris.
She went to Arabia,
And got camel drool on her labia.
She stayed in Seattle,
And went down on cattle.
She married a Spaniard,
With a prick like a bloody lanyard.
She sits on the waterfront,
With the waves lapping up and down her cunt.
I've licked it, I've kissed it,
It tastes like a chocolate biscuit.
You can drive a mini minor,
Right up her vagina.
The light is so glitorous,
When it shines off her clitoris.
Her vagina was squishy,
And smelled a bit fishy.
The aroma it lingers,
It smells like fish fingers.
* Variations for the next to last chorus line
And one forty pound strength one...
And one I caught a trout on...
And one I found on a bar of soap...
And one that blocked the storm drain...
And one she used as dental floss...
And one she uses for macrame...
And one dripping in olive oil...
And one that smelt of clitty litter...
And one to start the lawn mower with...
And one covered in algae...
And one I found in my mug of beer...
And one the crabs are stuck on... 346
Men
Songmaster gets pack to chant chorus
continuously:
Chorus
Men, men, men, men,
Men, men, men, men.
Oh, it's fun to be on a ship with men,
And sail across the sea,
We don't know where we'll land, or when,
But still it's fun to be,
On a ship with men at sea.
There's men above and men below,
And men down in the galley.
There's Butch and Spike,
And Tom and Sam,
And one that we call Sally,
One that we call Sally (effeminately).
Oh, we are brave and we are bold,
And none of us are sissies.
Each night we lay down in our bunks,
And blow each other kissies (effeminately).
347
Men of the HH3
Eyes right, foreskins tight,
Cockstands to the front,
We're the men of the H, H, 3.
We're in search of fun,
We're the heroes of the night,
We'd rather fuck than fight,
We're the men of the H, H, 3.
Chorus
Rolling along, rolling along,
By the light of the silvery moon.
Happy is the Hash,
With my finger up her snatch,
By the light of the silvery moon.
Oh, (repeat until bored) 348
Mobile
(To: She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain)
Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile, in Mobile,
Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile,
Oh, the eagles they fly high,
And they shit right in your eye,
Thank the Lord the cows don't fly in Mobile.
Chorus
In Mobile, in Mobile,
In-mo, in-mo, in-Mobile,
A-a-sshole, a-a-sshole, a-a-a-sshole.
There's a girl by the name of Dinah in
Mobile, in Mobile,
There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Mobile,
There's a girl by the name of Dinah,
Who thinks there's nothing finer,
Than a prick up her vagina in Mobile.
Oh, the Hashers get no tail in Mobile, in Mobile,
Oh, the Hashers get no tail in Mobile,
Oh, the Hashers get no tail,
So for want of recreation,
They indulge in masturbation in Mobile.
Oh, the vicar is a bugger in Mobile...
And the curate is another,
And they bugger one another in Mobile.
There's a shortage of bog paper in Mobile...
So they wait until it vapors,
Then they light it with a taper in Mobile.
If you're ever thrown in jail in Mobile...
Well there's no need for bail,
'Cause the sheriff's wife's for sale in Mobile.
Oh, there's a brand new lighthouse in Mobile...
Which the birds use for a shit-house,
Now the lighthouse is a white-house in
Mobile.
(Continued...) There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobile...
So they wait until it clogs,
Then they saw it up in logs in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile...
Who thought he had a cunt,
But his balls were back to front in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of West in Mobile...
Who thought he had a breast,
But is balls were on his chest in Mobile.
Oh, the girls they wear tin undies in Mobile...
And they take them off on Sundays,
You should see the boys on Mondays in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile...
But there's keyholes in the doors,
And there's knotholes in the floors in Mobile.
Oh, the parson is perverted in Mobile...
And his morals are inverted,
There's a thousand he's converted in Mobile.
Frenchies are the short supply in Mobile...
And that's the reason why,
You'll see them hanging out to dry in Mobile.
The virgins they are rare in Mobile...
When they get their pubic hair,
They're deflowered by the Mayor in Mobile.
Oh, the girls they wear tin pants in Mobile...
And they take them off to dance,
All the fellows get a chance in Mobile.
There's a lad named Dirty Danny in Mobile...
And he likes a bit of fanny,
And he gets it off of granny in Mobile.
There's a bastard named Mercator in Mobile...
Who's the greatest masturbator,
Fornicator, cunt-inflator in Mobile.
There's a girl with no ambition, in Mobile...
She gets it in the kitchen,
From the local obstetrician in Mobile.
Oh, men of drinking classes in Mobile...
When you've finished with your glasses,
You can shove them up your asses in Mobile.
Oh, the chemists are the key men in Mobile...
Selling dehydrated semen,
To emasculated he-men in Mobile.
Oh, the Privates wash the dishes in Mobile...
And they dry them on their britches,
Oh, the dirty sons of bitches in Mobile.
Oh, the Sergeant is a bugger in Mobile...
And the Corporal is another,
And they bugger one another in Mobile.
Oh, they drink their whisky neat in Mobile...
Till it drops them off their feet,
And they cannot get a beat in Mobile.
Oh, I chased the Colonel's daughter in Mobile...
And I shagged her when I caught her,
Now the daughter's got a daughter in Mobile.
Oh, the cows they are all dead in Mobile...
So they milk the bulls instead,
'Cause the bastard's must be fed in Mobile.
349
Mockin' Bird Kill
(To: Mockin' Bird Hill)
When my dick in the morning awakes for a
thrill,
And raises the cover and forms a small hill,
I grab it and stroke it with long practiced skill,
'Cause I lost my poor lover on Mockin' Bird
Hill.
Chorus
"On-On-Onnn!" and "Are You?" I screamed
with a shrill,
As I looked for my lover, the beautiful Jill,
"On-In!" the birds taunted, "She's with
Hasher Bill."
"She said you had no dick on Mockin' Bird
Hill. And now when I'm hashin', when I hear the
trill,
Of the birds in the treetops on Mockin' Bird
Hill,
They fill me with sadness, their taunts make
me chill,
As I recall that morning on Mockin' Bird Hill.
If these birds keep on mock-in' me 'bout my
girl Jill,
I'll carry my shotgun to Mockin' Bird Hill,
I'll shoot those who mock me, the air full of
quill,
Then look for that bitch and her Hash lover
Bill.
It's said that they quarreled as oft lovers will,
And died in a fight there on Mockin' Bird Hill.
But me and the mockin' birds all saw the kill,
And I am not talking and they never will.
I read in the paper 'bout my lover Jill,
That all round her gravesite was littered a kill,
Of dozens of mockin' birds, several a quill,
"How odd" said the writer, "a mockin' bird kill?"
I rise up each morning and finish my thrill,
The air is all quiet, there's peace on the hill,
Except for the bluebird and warbler bird trill,
There's no more damn mockin' on Mockin'
Bird Hill.
350
Monk of Great Renown
There was a monk of great renown,
There was a monk of great renown,
There was a monk of great renown,
Who shagged an innocent maid from town.
Chorus
The old sod, the sod,
The bugger deserved to die.
Fuck him, shit him -
But first let us pray:
Glory, glory, hallelujah. His brother monks they cried in shame,
So he turned her over and fucked her again.
He met another by the mill,
And fucked and fucked her up the hill.
He met another in the hay,
And put her in the family way.
He took her to the Abbot's bed,
And fucked and fucked till she was dead.
But when the Abbot cried, "Amen,"
He fucked her back to life again.
His brother monks to stop his frolics,
Put a nail through this prick and cut off his
ballocks.
And now the moral I will tell,
And now the moral I will tell,
When all the world just feels like hell,
Just fuck and fuck till all is well.
351
Monks of Saint Bernard
The monks of St Bernard,
St Bernard, St Bernard,
They don't give a bugger at all.
They rise up right early,
Right early, right early,
And pee through a hole in the wall.
The green leaves are yellow,
The green leaves are yellow,
The green leaves are yellow,
And so is the hole in the wall. 352
Monte Carlo
(To: The Man Who Broke the Bank in Monte
Carlo)
As she walked along the Bois de Boulogne,
With a heart as heavy as lead,
She wished that she was dead,
She had lost her maidenhead,
She was all forlorn and covered in spawn,
Her knickers were torn,
And her cunt was worn,
She's the girl that lowered the price at Monte
Carlo.
As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne,
With his dick upon the stand,
The girls all say it's grand,
To take it in their hand,
You give them a bob and they're on the job,
Pulling the foreskin over the knob,
Of the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo.
As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne,
With his dick up in the air,
You could hear the girls declare,
He's got syph and gonorrhea,
He's a lousy frowsy son of a bitch,
His balls are always on the itch,
He's the man who services the whores in
Monte Carlo. 353
Mooning in the Sun
(To: Seasons in the Sun)
I went down South to get some sun,
To the Bike Week Hash to have some fun,
I just joined the hash to run.
I didn't know they'd really care,
If I mooned them over there.
Chorus
We had joy, we had fun,
We went mooning in the sun.
But the cops, they had guns,
And they shot us in the buns.
The cops they came from down the street,
I couldn't get my pants up from my feet,
Grabbing cloth from my back seat.
They were gaining on me quick,
I was feeling kind of sick.
The bikers hollered to me "Stop!",
I felt a sting and heard a big loud "Pop!",
And then I knew it was the cop.
In the ass he hit my pride,
Down I went I thought I'd died.
The hashers came to give me cheer,
To my bed they brought a keg of beer,
I grabbed a cup and held it dear.
The cop outside began to shout,
"Leave my prisoner and get out!"
I was moved though still quite pale,
The judge said "Give him thirty days in jail!",
I was put into a cell.
When bikers saw my bun,
I was safe from all their fun.
The moral of this story's clear,
Stick to hashing and to drinking beer,
I'll never moon again, don't fear.
For when you get shot in the ass,
Your mooning days are over fast. 354
The Moonshiner
I've been a moonshiner for many a year,
I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer,
I'll go to some hollow and set up my still,
And I'll make you a gallon for a ten shilling
bill.
Chorus
I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler,
I'm a long way from home,
And if you don't like me,
You can leave me alone.
I'll eat when I'm hungry,
I'll drink when I'm dry,
And if the moonshine don't kill me,
I'll live till I die.
I'll go to some hollow in this counterie,
Then gallons of wash I can go on a spree,
No woman to follow, the world is all mine,
I love none so well as I love the moonshine.
Moonshine, dear moonshine, oh! how I love
thee,
You killed my poor father, but dare you try
me,
Now bless all moonshiners and bless all moonshine,
Their breath smells as sweet as the dew on
the vine.
355
The Moose Song
By Magic City HHH
(To: Sweet Betsy of Pike)
to be sung while making moose antlers, by
placing hands and fingers on your head
pointing upward.
Moose, Moose, I love a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose,
My pleasure's been plenty,
My women (men have) been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a Moose.
Harriers:
When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay,
I go to the closet and pull out some hay,
I open the window and spread it around,
Because Moose will come running when
hay's on the ground.
When I was much younger I read dirty books,
I stroked myself with each gazing look,
But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,
Like the feeling I get jacking off to Bullwinkle.
When I was a young lad I played with the girls,
I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls,
But my true love ran off with a classmate
named Bruce,
I never got treated that way by a Moose.
Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,
I spend all my money on them in the bars,
But a Moose is content to be tied to a tree,
While I find other Mooses to satisfy me.
My girlfriend's a prude, she only likes it one
way,
It's Missionary style day after day,
That's why I sneak off with Margie the Moose,
Whenever I want to ride the caboose.
The ______ hash just isn't quite right,
The women up here are much too tight,
But give them an hour out back with a moose,
And they will return hot, horny and loose.
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties
with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were
not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a
moose.
(Continued...) Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams
your caboose,
As the feeling you gets when you humps
with a moose.
Now that I'm older and on in my years,
I'll have you know that I shed me no tears,
While I sit by the fire with a glass of Mateuse,
Playing hide the salami with Mary the Moose.
Harriettes:
You spend all your money on women in bars,
I spend all my time wondering where you are,
But a moose is happy to stay home with me,
That's why from now on it's only mooses for
me.
I figured it all out one day by myself,
When my man went off and left me on the shelf,
He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess,
Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress.
"What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the
goose,"
Said I as I set out to find me a moose,
But I ran into problems that men do not mind,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll
find.
When I was much younger I read dirty books,
I stroked myself with each gazing look,
But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,
Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle.
I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,
I hunted all summer and found not a thing,
But I found my moose when leaves started to
fall,
And, oh brother! did I have a ball.
With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by
his tail,
I hanged and we banged and we really did flail,
Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar,
I never had had such a great lay before.
The first night I met him it was like a dream
We fucked all night long and he did make
me scream
His antlers were hard and my panties were cream
I've never had any man quite so supreme!
And on the second night that we went out,
He lasted much longer, without a doubt,
When he finally came 'twas like Moby Dick's
spout,
We did it and did it until he passed out!
Now for our third date I didn't wait long,
I was Fay Wray, he was King Kong,
He was big, too, and hairy and strong,
And he had dong that was longer than Kong's!
But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye,
I'll be here next year when the leaves start to
fly,
Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall,
And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball
and we'll ball.
All my past lovers did brag about size,
Those tales of twelve inches were nothing
but lies,
But a Moose is the size that a man ought to
be,
Thats why from now on its only Mooses for
me.
All the men Hashers they lie and lie,
They can't get it up no matter how hard they
try,
But a moose is stiff for hours on end,
That's why a Moose is my only boyfriend.
Tears came to my eyes when mating season
came 'round,
He found a girl moose with whom to settle down,
A home in the woods and three calves have
they now,
But he thinks of me when he's humping that
cow!
And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess,
Being balled by a moose, it is really the best,
But you'll make out with others for most of
the year,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear.
A bear in the winter is furry and warm,
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light,
That is if you are not afraid of great height.
In summer, I fear, you must make do with men,
But, not to worry, soon fall comes again.
Then you can return to your own faithful moose,
And revel in supremely scrumptious screws.
Now that I'm older and on in my years,
I'll have you know that I shed me no tears,
While I sit by the fire with a glass of Mateuse,
Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose.
356
More Beer
(To: Amazing Grace)
Everytime the singer finishes a verse with
"more beer", the pack should shout, "More
beer!"
Chorus
A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished ONE, but I'm not done,
More beer, More beer, More beer. (More
beer!)
I love my wife, I love my beer,
But if I had to choose.
My dear old wife, I've loved for life,
Would most undoubtedly lose.
A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished off 2, but I'm not through,
More beer, More beer, More beer. (More
beer!)
I love my truck, I love my beer
But if I had to choose,
I'd sell my 4-by-4, which I do adore.
For beer I'd walk-to the store.
A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished 3, I have to pee
More beer, More beer, More beer. (More
beer!)
I love to fuck, I love my beer
But If I had to choose,
It's beer for me, unless she tastes,
Like beer, more beer, more beer. (More
beer!)
A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished 4, but still want more,
More beer, More beer, More beer. (More
beer!)
I love my dog, I love my beer,
But if I had to choose,
I'd sell my pet, to-o the vet,
A dog for beer, more beer. (More beer!)
A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished 5, I'm still alive,
More beer, More beer, More beer. (More
beer!)
I love my MOM, I love my beer
But If I had to choose,
That drunken whore, It's me she bore,
But I still choose more beer. (More beer!)
(Continued...) A nice cold beer,
How sweet it sounds.
To save a drunk like me.
I finished 6, I've had my fix,
Now you all must drink more beer. (More
beer!)
(This last part is good by itself, especially
when slow service is had from the pub or
biermeister.)
More beer, mo-ore beer,
More beer, more beer,
More beer, mo-ore beer, mo-ore beer.
More be-er, mo-ore beer,
More be-er, mo-ore beer,
More beer, mo-ore beer, more beer.
(continue as needed)
357
Morgan's Pies
(To: Jingle Bells)
Dashing down the road,
With a cooler full of pies,
It's a heavy load,
But it's for us guys.
Chorus
Oh, Morgan's pies, Morgan's pies,
Morgan, you're a dick.
When we eat your fucking pies,
We gety fucking sick.
I ate a Morgan pie,
A down-down I did do,
Now I've got that fucking pie,
Caked upon my shoe.
His moped has arrived,
Fiesta time is right,
What fun it is to eat and puke,
Some Morgan's putrid pies.
We sing this little song,
We sing it just for you,
Now we think it's only right,
That you should eat one too.
358
Mother Hash
If you're adventure hungry,
And your yuppie life is sad.
And you've a yen to be a jungly,
and leave everything you have.
Chorus
You wanna run away,
Sing a song, you wanna get smashed!
And call it a day come on a long,
And join the Mother Hash.
Refrain
Fifty years we've been runnin',
Jungle, shiggy, and swamp,
Fifty more years we'll be runnin'
Happy Birthday, on-on-on!
We don't care if nobody loves you.
No one to stir your tea-he-he-he.
We don't care if you've got no money,
Money is the root of e-e-vil.
(Chorus)
Anybody can join us,
Black, brown, yellow, or blue.
And nobody need feel nervous,
We even take white folks too.
(Refrain)
(Chorus) 359
Mount Bonnell
(To: Blueberry Hill)
I had my fill,
On Mount Bonnell,
On Mount Bonnell,
When I had you.
The moon stood still,
On Mount Bonnell,
And lingered until,
Myself came true.
Tho' we're apart,
I'm a part of you still,
For you weren't on the pill,
On Mount Bonnell.
360
Mouthful of Singha
(To: A Spoonful of Sugar)
Chorus
Just a mouthful of Singha makes the jism go
down,
The jism go down, the jism go down,
Just a mouthful of Singha makes the jism go
down,
In the most delightful way.
A young girl feathering her nest,
Has very little time to rest,
She must make each and every short time count,
And though she'd like to go to bed,
She knows she must give head,
But she knows a swig,
Will help it slide down quick.
He didn't want to be a boy,
That's why he is now a katoey,
Preying on drunken tourists late at night,
And though his rear end isn't funny,
He knows he'll make his money,
Giving head on the beach,
With something to stop that retch. A young man trying to get along,
Had better not do any wrong,
If he wants to make chief on a western boat,
And though he's bought the boss some drink,
And tipped his wife the wink,
He'll find in the end,
He's still sucking a bell-end.
A young wife won't get very far,
If she can't get that brand new car,
But hubby, the old miser, won't give in,
But she knows she'll soon have those keys,
As she gets down on her knees,
You shouldn't drink and drive,
But with jism it's alright.
361
Mrs. Puggy Wuggy
Mrs. Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut cunt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front,
Mrs. Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
362
Municipal Sewerage Man
(To: Ghostriders in the Sky)
The municipal sewerageman stood out upon
the rim,
('Pon the rim, 'pon the rim),
The municipal sewerageman fell in and
couldn't swim,
(Couldn't swim, couldn't swim),
He sank down to the bottom,
He sank down like a stone,
You could hear the maggots cryin' out,
"You're on your fuckin' own."
Chorus
Shitty-i-ayyy, Shitty-i-ohhh,
Ghost maggots in the overflow,
(Overflow, overflow).
For six long days and weary nights he tried
to stay afloat,
(Stay afloat, stay afloat),
But every time he cried for help,
A turd caught in his throat,
(In his throat, in his throat),
He sank down to the bottom,
He sank down like a rock,
You could hear the maggots,
Munchin' on his cock.
The moral of this story is if you should
shovel shit,
(Shovel shit, shovel shit),
Be careful of your footing,
Or you might end up in it,
(Up in it, up in it),
You'll sink down to the bottom,
(Slowly...)
You'll sink down like a stone,
You'll hear the maggots cryin' out,
Wheeee-aaaaah-wheeee,
"You're on your fuckin' own."
363
Music Man
I am the music man,
I come from down your way,
And I can play.
Pack: What can you play?
I play the viola.
Pack: How does it go?
(with gestures)
Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-la, vio-la,
Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-vio-la.
I am the music man,
I come from down your way,
And I can play.
Pack: What can you play?
I play the piccolo.
Pack: How does it go?
Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low, pick-a-low,
Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low-a-low.
Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-la, vio-la,
Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-vio-la.
(Continue adding as above the
following verses:)
I play the German horn...
German-German-German-horn,...
I play the Sexyphone...
Sexy-sexy-sexy-phone...
I play the Piano
Pia, pia, piano, piano, piano...
I play the Trombone
Trom, trom, trombone, trombone, trombone...
I sing like Michael Jackson...
Holy shit my hair's on fire, hair's on fire...
I sing like Grace Kelly...
Holy shit the brakes don't work, brakes don't
work...
I sing like Michael Jackson...
Here here little boy, little boy...
I act like Nataile Wood
Glug, glug, glug, glug...
I sing like Michael Jackson...
Oh, shit I'm going to jail, going to jail,...
I preach like Pope John Paul
Bless you , bless you, bless you son, bless
you son, bless you
son...(putting hands in beer and sprinkle
others)
I dance like Gene Kelly...
I'm singing in the rain...
(Continue lead-in to "Singing in the Rain")
364
My Big Banana
(To: Daylight Come and I Want to Go
Home)
Get the pack to do the line: "Run the Hash
cos' I wanna go home."
I said to my girl, "What are ya' doin' tomorrow?"
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Would you like to go on the Hash in ______?
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
So, I picked her up in my little auto.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
She sure looked pretty, I said "Oh mama."
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Chorus
Day-oh, Da-a-a-ay-oh,
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Day-oh, Da-ay-oh-Da-a-oh-Da-a-oh,
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
But this is where my troubles began-ah.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
That's when she spotted my big banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
She leaned over and grabbed my banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Peeled back the skin--eyes like a piranha.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
I said, "Oh no, not my prize banana!"
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
But she bit off the top in a violent manner.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Now, I've got just a little banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
And that's the end of my family planner.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
(All slowly)
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
365
My Dead Hash
(To: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)
This little tune was written in response to a
number of hashers who voiced strong
opposition to the idea of a USA Nash Hash.
It was done in jest, although there were
some strong opinions on the matter
expressed on the internet by those opposing
a Nash Hash in the U.S. The event was held
to low attendence in 1998, but continued in
2000 despite the opposition. This was
written to show how silly and political some
hashers can become. 'hash-l' is one of the
internet hash lists, mostly U.S.participation.
"My Dead Whore" parody.
I saw a dead hash on the hash-l,
I knew right away it was dead.
No seal of approval from ZiPpY,
You shouldn't go to it, he said (he said),
You shouldn't go to it, he said.
Chorus
Bring back, bring back,
Oh, bring back my Nash Hash to me (to me!)
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my Nash Hash to me.
I saw the Nash Hash in the message,
It looked like a great place to be.
But Swamp Bitch said Pike's Peak was better,
"It's not a real choice to me." (She said!)
"It's not a real choice to me!"
The Nash Hash looked like a real goner,
Some tried to say it was tradition.
But Flying B., Cold Cuts and others,
Said what they propose is sedition (sedition!)
What they propose is sedition!
So Birmingham hashers were given,
The facts as they came from hash-l.
They laughed so hard beer spewed forever,
For all of the whinners, to hell. (to hell!)
For all of the whinners, to hell!
So if you send flyers to hash-l,
Make sure that you ask the right guys.
ZiPpY and F. B. and Cold Cuts,
And make sure that they thought it up
(upchuck!)
And make sure that they thought it up!
Now the USA Nash Hash did happen,
Regardless any list whinner.
Thank 'G' that the whiners were missing,
It made the Nash Hash that much finer
(finer!)
It made the Nash Hash that much finer!
366
My Favorite Presidential Things
(To: My Favorite Things)
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big
faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Chorus
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to
sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
367
My Girl's a Vegetable
(To: My Girl's a Corker, She's a New
Yorker)
My girl's a vegetable,
She lives in a hospital.
Chorus
I'd do most anything,
To keep her alive.
She has no arms or legs,
She looks like a pony keg.
My girl has long blond hair,
It's in patches here and there.
I'm always guaranteed a blow,
Because she can't say no.
She's got a new TV,
They call it an EKG.
Her EKG does not rise,
But she still spreads her thighs.
She can't get out of bed,
Still she can give me head.
She's got no arms or legs,
She's got two wooden pegs.
She has no feet or hands,
Her head's connected with rubber bands.
She might not live the night,
That means she won't fight. My girl lives in an iron lung,
But she can still give real good tongue.
My girl has leprosy,
Parts are always landing on top of me.
She had an episiotomy,
That's a bigger hole for me.
She can not hear, she can not see,
But she's got an oral cavity.
368
My God How the Money Rolls In
(To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean)
Usually performed with hashers taking turns
solo on the verses, then the pack joining
together on the chorus. The lower voices
should sing the echos in parentheses.
My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes illicit gin.
My sister sells kisses to sailors,
My God how the money rolls in.
Chorus
Rolls in (rolls in), rolls in (rolls in),
My God how the money rolls in (rolls in).
Rolls in, rolls in, rolls innn-in,
My God how the money rolls in.
My mother's a bawdy house keeper,
Every night when the evening grows dim.
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.
My sister's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she'll strip to the skin.
She's stripping from morning to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.
My brother-in-law is a Hasher,
Who wanders around the hash bar,
He's picking up business for sister,
My God how the money rolls in. My brother's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
My sister-in-law is a Hasher,
She lays trails year out and year in,
But when she lays hounds in the bushes,
My God how the money rolls in.
My Grandad sells cheap prophylactics,
And punctures the teats with a pin.
For Grandma gets rich from abortions,
My God how the money rolls in.
Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business in holes and in tin.
He'll plug up your hole for a tanner,
My God how the money rolls in.
Aunt Mary makes deals with the milkman,
The mailman and newsboy named Ben.
For a piece of pie and Aunt Mary,
My God how the money rolls in.
Uncle Tommy was once in a prison,
Where he was a joy to the men,
Now he bends over for business,
My God how the money rolls in.
Aunt Joan keeps a girl's seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin.
She doesn't say where they will finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
Uncle Harry is carving out candles,
From wax that is surgically soft.
He hopes it'll fill up the gap,
If ever his business is off.
My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, sharp and thin.
He only does one operation,
My God how the money rolls in.
(Continued...) I've lost all me cash on the horses,
I'm sick from the illicit gin.
I'm falling in love with me sister,
My God what a mess I am in.
I've lost my way off of the hash trail,
I can't find the beer at the end.
I've got to spot flour by nightfall,
My God will you please let this end!
369
My Grandfather's Cock
(To: My Grandfather's Clock)
My Grandfather's cock was too long for his
pants,
And it dragged several feet on the floor,
It was longer by half than the old man himself,
And it weighed near a hundredweight more.
He's a horn on the morn of the day he was born,
It was always his pleasure and pride,
But it dropped shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
Chorus
Ninety years without cracking it,
What a cock! What a cock!
He spent his life whacking it,
What a cock! What a cock!
But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
My grandfather's cock was too long for his
strides,
So he lent it to the woman next door,
She grabbed it by the point, and pulled it out
of joint,
So he swore he'd never lend it any more.
He's a horn on the morn of the day he was born,
It was always his pleasure and pride,
But it dropped shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died. 370
My Kind of Girl
(To: British Grenadier)
I like the girls who say they will,
I like the ones who won't,
I hate the girls who say they will,
And then they say they won't.
But of all the girls I like the best,
I may be wrong or right,
Are the girls who say they never will,
But look as though they might.
371
My Little Pink Panties
I wore my panties,
My little pink panties,
And he wore his G.I. shorts.
He began to caress me,
And then he undressed me,
What a thrill we had in store,
He played with my titties,
My little pink titties,
And down where the short hairs grow,
His kisses grew sweeter,
He pulled out his Peter,
And whitewashed my little red rose.
372
My Mother-in-Law
One night in gay Paree,
I paid five francs to see,
A big fat French lady,
Tattooed from head to knee,
And on her jaw was a British man-o-war.
And on her back was a Union Jack,
So I paid five francs more.
And running up and down her spine,
Was the BHB in line,
And on her lily-white bum,
Was a picture of the Rising Sun,
And on her fanny,
Was Al Jolson singing "Mammy"
How I loves her, how I loves her,
How I loves my mother-in-law.
I loves my mother-in-law,
She's nothing but a dirty old whore,
She nags me day and night,
And I can't do shit all right,
She's coming home today,
But I hope she stays away,
Now isn't it a pity,
She's only one titty,
And she's in the family way.
Last night I greased the stairs,
Put tin-tacks on the chairs,
I hope she breaks her back,
Because I do love wearing black.
She drinks all my brandy,
And makes my dog feel randy,
How I loves her, how I loves her,
How I loves my mother-in-law.
373
My One Skin Hangs Down to My Two
Skin
(To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean)
Usually harriers only. Gesture as if holding
a penis, with the gesture getting lower each
line.
My one skin hangs down to my two skin,
My two skin hangs down to my three,
My three skin hangs down to my foreskin,
My foreskin hangs down to my knee.
Chorus
Roll back, roll back,
Please roll back my foreskin for me, for me.
Roll back, roll back,
Please roll back my foreskin for me.
My body lies over the ocean,
My body lies over the sea.
My father lies over my mother,
And that's how they created me.
374
My One Tit Hangs Down to My Two Tit
(To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean)
Appropriate for Harriettes. Gesture
appropriately for each line.
My one tit sags down with my two tit,
My belly sags down when I pee.
My fat ass sags down when I squat-shit,
My pussy sags down to my knee,
Chorus
Bring back, bring back,
Bring back my big tit to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh, bring back my big tit to me, to me.
My body lies over the ocean,
My body lies over the sea.
My father lies over my mother,
And that's how they created me. 375
My Sombrero
(To: Frito Bandito)
My sister Belinda, she pissed out the winda,
All over my favorite sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you pissed on my hat,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."
Aye, aye, aye, aye, me and my soggy sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat,
You just pissed on my hat,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."
My sister Margarita, she come all excreta,
And shit in my bessy sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you shit in my hat,"
She said, "I don't give a fuckero."
Aye, aye, aye, aye,
Me and my shitty sombrero,
I said, "You fat twat, you just shat in my hat,"
She said, "I don't give a fuckero."
My girlfriend Maria, she's got gonorrhea,
She gave it to me, amigo,
I said, "You fat twat, you gave me the clap,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."
Aye, aye, aye, aye,
Me and my blobby dickero,
I said, "You fat twat, you just gave me the clap,"
She said, "I don't fucking well care O."
376
Naming Song
By Smoking Wiener)
(To: American Pie)
Substitute a person who is being named in
the blanks. Appropriate to sing to someone
who has been injured on their first few trails
before naming or suffered some other
consequence. Feel free to substitute local
hasher names for the ones given.
About Five, Five Hashes ago...
I can still remember how,
Those that made me cum all talked awhile.
And I knew that with each hash,
That I could give them my strange rash,
And maybe they'd all smile and laugh.
But February made me shiver,
With each hash I'd quiver,
Shiggy on the doorstep,
Getting myself all wet.
I can't remember if I lied,
About those habits I need to hide,
But I felt something deep inside,
The day Just _______ died.
So...
Chorus
Die, Die Just _________ Die,
Ran through all the shiggy, but the shiggy
was dry,
Them good ol' Hashers were drinkin beer
and high,
Singing "This'll be the day Just ______ dies,
This'll be the day Just ______ dies.
Did you short cut on the Hash,
And do have this nasty Rash,
Antibiotics Shot in your assss?
Now do you believe in shiggy?
How can this trail be so shitty?
And can you teach me 'bout rocket shitty?
Well I know your in real deep,
'Cause I saw you hashing in your sleep,
Y'all kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig that On-In news,
I was a lonely drinker in a rut,
With dirt cheap beer and a big ole gut,
But I knew that I was getting fucked,
The day Just ______ died.
I started singing...
Now for five hashes maybe more,
And my cum dried on some old whore,
But that's just how it used to be.
When the time came for his naming,
Someone started his defaming,
In a rejoice that came from you and me.
Oh, and while the Hash was looking down,
On a name they did start to pound,
The discussion was adjourned,
The hasher was returned.
And while Stray Dog read a book on Hash,
The circle dug through the trash,
And we name you with this bash,
The day Just ______ died.
We were singing...
Hashing Shiggy in a summer swelter,
The sun bore down, there was no shelter.
Five hashes done and cumming fast.
It landed foul on the grass,
The hashers tried to make it last,
With Dogman on the sidelines in a cast.
Now the hash air was a sweat perfume,
While hashers sang a drinking tune,
We all got up to down down,
And, then we saw a three-tit clown,
Cause the hounds tried to take the hare.
The hare began to hurry,
Did you have to scurry?
The day Just ______ died.
He (she) sang...
And the pack is all in one place.
Not one Hasher lost in space.
With no flour to start again.
So come on Hare be nimble Hare be quick.
Hare, come sit on my slick stick,
'Cause flour is your only friend,
And as I chased him on the trail,
The shiggy from my shoes I'd flail.
All hashers goin' to hell,
Fell under a drinkin' spell.
And as the Hashers sing into the night,
They pray that his naming's right,
I saw New Hash Name Chugging with delight.
The day Just ______ died.
He (she) was singing...
I met a hash drinking Red, White and Blue,
And I asked for some better brew.
But they just laughed and said go screw.
I went down to the sacred chest,
Looking for Milwaukee's best,
But the hash said drink it on down,
And in the circle hashers creamed,
As they all, my new name screamed,
But no traditions were broken,
I drank the swill without chokin,
Of the three things I place as tops:
The malt, grain and the hops,
Of them I left no drops,
The day Just _____ died.
And they were singing...
(Sing chorus twice.)
377
Nancy Brown
Way out in West Virginia lived a gal named
Nancy Brown,
You ain't never seen such beauty in a city
nor a town,
Oh, she lived up in the mountain,
Yes, she lived up in the mountains,
Oh, she lived up in the mountain mighty high,
And so it is related not a bit contaminated,
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.
Now there came the local cowboy with his
guitar and his song,
He took Nancy to the mountain be she still
knew right from wrong,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain mighty
fine.
And despite that cowboy's urgin' she
remained the village virgin.
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.
Then there came the village deacon with his
phrases sweet and kind,
He took Nancy to the mountain but she still
could read his mind,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain,
She came rollin' down the mountain mighty
fine. (Continued...) And they say that there deacon didn't get
what he was seekin',
She was as pure as the West Virginia sky.
But there came the city slicker with his
thousand dollar bills,
He put Nancy in his Packard and drove up in
them thar hills,
Oh, they stayed up in the mountain,
She was laid up in the mountain,
Oh, they stayed up in the mountain all that night,
She came down next mornin' early more a
woman than a girl,
And her mother kicked the hussey out of sight.
Slow
Now to end our little ditty finds Nancy in the
city,
An by all accounts she's doin' might swell,
For she's winin',
And she's dinin',
And she's on her back reclinin',
And those West Virginia skies can go to hell.
Normal tempo
But there came the big depression caught our
slicker by the pants,
He had to sell his Packard and give up his
little Nance,
So she went back to the mountain,
Yes she went back to the mountain,
Oh, she went back to the mountain mighty sore,
Now the cowboy and the deacon get thing
that they were seekin',
For she's nothing but a West Virginia whore!
378
Necrophilia Song
My name is Jack (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I'm a necrophiliac (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I fucks dead wimmen (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
And I fills 'em full of jism.
I get frustrated (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
When they're cremated (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Cause try as I must (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I can't fuck dust!
Each time I pass a cemetery gate,
I whip it out and masturbate.
My name is Judy (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
My favorite stiff's a beauty (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Though his pecker's soft and thin (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
I find his femur slips right in.
Most girls like their guys aware (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
Me, I prefer Joe's lifeless stare (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
Don't you call me a ghoul (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Just 'cause my Joe's real cool!
Each time I pass the mortuary gate,
My vagina starts to lubricate.
My name is Phil (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I likes my wimmen still (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I whack off in (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
An occupied coffin.
I love wrinkly wimmen (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Who are over sixty-five (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Especially if they died (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
At twenty-five!
Each day I try to copulate,
With my favorite deceased mate.
My name is Mary (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I met my lover through an obituary (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
So what if he's dead (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
At least he doesn't fart in bed.
I like his leathery skin (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I can poke it with a pin (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
And when the worms come out his butt
(deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I feed them to the mutt!
Every time I see a crematory urn,
My genitals begin to burn.
My name is Ron (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I get a hard-on (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
When I see a redhead (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Who's deader than dead.
You don't polka or waltz (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
With a girl with no pulse (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I like my wimmen old (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I prefer my wimmen cold!
Each time I pass a mausoleum,
My shorts fill up with creaum.
My name is Denise (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
My man is deceased (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I think it's wise (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
To love a man who's demised.
I broke into his tomb (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Took him up to my room (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
My mother Doris (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Admires his rigor mortis!
Each time I pass the old graveyard,
I find my nipples getting hard.
My name is Mitch (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
And I dig a wealthy bitch (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Not because she's really rich (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
But 'cause she's in a six-foot ditch.
Most like their ladies hot (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I rather fancy not (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Just in case you have forgotten (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
I prefer my wimmen rotten!
Each time I pass a funeral pyre,
My libido catches fire.
My name is Gertrude (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Now you may think this rather rude (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
But I don't find it crude (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
To go down on a dead dude.
He won't come in my mouth (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
His sex drive has gone south (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
He won't take my money (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
And he'll never call me Honey!
Each time I hear a funeral dirge,
I get the old carnal urge.
My name is Paul (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
My girl doesn't move at all (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
It's not that she's frigid (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
It's 'cause she's rigid.
Most like their wimmen quick (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
Personally, the thought makes me sick
(deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I fairly dread (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
Sleeping with the Undead!
Every time I see a hearse,
My akey-breaky balls ache worse.
(Continued...) My name is Mary Beth (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I'm actually into death (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Once they're dead I don't get high (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
I want them AS they die.
As they start to come (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I crush their windpipes with my thumb
(deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
While my lovers have death spasms (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
I enjoy multiple orgasms!
Each time I pass a burial plot,
It stimulates my G-spot.
My name is Earl (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
Some people think I'm quite the churl
(deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
I once exhumed a little girl (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I love the way her toenails curl.
I take satisfaction (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
In advanced putrefaction (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
Her toothy grin and concave cheek (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
Her sexy decomposing reek!
Each time I pass a funeral wake,
I grow a monster one-eyed snake.
My name is Monique (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I'm a necro-lesbo freak (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I love vaginal cavities (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Of expired celebrities.
Once in a very lusty mood (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I dug up Natalie Wood (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I used a casket hoist (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
And found her still delectably moist!
When I visit memorial parks,
My pussy starts emitting sparks.
My name is Brucie (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
I'm weird and fey and swishy (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
My lover once was hetero (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
But in death he's my special homo.
I used to like to fist him (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
I could get my whole hand in (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
But now he's overused (deedle-deedle-
deedle-dum),
His rotting bum is simply huge!
Each time I pass a sarcophagus,
I'm seized with homosexual lust.
My name is Manfred (deedle-deedle-deedle-
dum),
Sheep are so hot when they're dead (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
I hit and killed one on the road (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
And I shot off a mother-load.
I keep my decomposing lambkin (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
Its starting to lose a lot of skin (deedle-
deedle-deedle-dum),
There's parts where you can see its skeleton
(deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),
And other parts I like to put my tongue in!
Every time I pass a farm,
My skivvies fill with juices warm. 379
Necrophilia's Best
(To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down)
Chorus
Necrophilia's best, boys,
Necrophilia's best, (Fuck a cadaver!)
Necrophilia's best, boys,
Necrophilia's best.
Give head to the dead, girls,
Give head to the dead, (Necrophilia!)
Give head to the dead, girls,
Give head to the dead, (Everybody)
(Do the following verses as above)
Do it lots 'fore she rots, boys...
Suck some decomposed toes, girls...
Stroke her hips in a crypt, boys...
Fuck her defunct cunt, boys...
Shoo the flies off her thighs, guys...
Pinch your nipples hard in the graveyard, girls...
Do your boffin' in a coffin, mates...
Plant your pelvis on Elvis, girls...
Rub your slit on Sonny Stitt, girls...
Suck the dong of Mao Tse-Tung, girls...
Sink your cable in Betty Grable, boys...
Go to bed with the dead, Fred...
Use the staff of a stiff, girls...
The best of course is a corpse, boys...
Get some authentic skull, mates...
Jack off on old Jackie, boys...
Shoot some creum in a mausoleum, boys...
That Kim Il Sung is sure hung, girls...
380
Nellie Darling
(To: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Wiener)
Oh, your ass is like a stovepipe, Nellie Darling,
And the nipples on your tits are turning green,
There's a thousand flies a' buzzing round
your pussy,
Oh, you're the dirtiest, ugliest, rottenest,
Fucking bitch I've ever seen.
There's a yard of lint protruding from your navel,
When you piss, your piss a stream as green
as grass,
There's enough wax in your ear to make a candle,
So why not make one dear, and shove it up
your a-a-a-ass?
381
Nelly 'Awkins
I first met Nelly 'Awkins down
The old Kent Road,
Her drawers were hanging down,
She'd just been with Charlie Brown,
I shoved filthy tanner in her,
Filthy rotten hand,
'Cos she was a dirty old whore,
(Tune Change)
Oh, she wore no blouses,
And I wore not trousers,
And we both wore no underwear,
When she caressed me,
She damn near undressed me,
What a pleasure no man knows.
I went to the doctor, he said,
Where did you knock her,
I said down where the green grass grows,
He said in less than a twinkle,
That pimple on your winkle,
Will be bigger than a big red rose.
Chorus
Won't somebody make my rhubarb rise,
Dada dada da da,
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise,
To it's natural size,
Market gardening size,
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise,
And my baby don't love me,
My baby don't love me,
Oh my baby don't love no more.
(Continued...)
(Tune Change)
I caught a dose of pox a year ago,
a year ago, a year ago, a year ago.
I thought it was the clap and it would go,
it would go, it would go.
The longer I waited, the worse it grew,
Now I've got the galloping knob rot,
What shall I do?
The other day I lost the starboard ball,
Starboard ball, starboard ball, starboard ball,
And now the other one's begun to fall.
I'm sorry to say, I'm wasting away,
And soon I'll have no balls at all.
(Tune Change)
To be screwed by a dude
Can be quite incidental
That's why Durex is a girl's best friend.
A poke with a bloke
Can be accidental,
So when he slips it in
Make sure it has that latex skin
When he lets fly non gets by,
Yes they all get caught up in the end.
This simple precaution
Can prevent abortions,
That why Durex is a girl's best friend.
382
Nice Girls
(To: All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor)
All the nice girls like a candle,
All the nice girls like a wick,
Because there's something about a candle,
That reminds them of a prick.
Nice and greasy, slips in easy,
It's the surest way to joy.
It's been up the Queen of Saipan,
And it's going up again.
Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy.
All the nice boys like a harlot,
All the nice boys like a whore.
Because there's something about a harlot,
That they've never known before.
She'll be willing, for a shilling,
And she'll pep you up, my boy.
But she'll leave you on the rocks,
With a bloody good dose of pox.
Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy.
All the parsons like a choir boy,
All the parsons like a bum,
Because there's something about a choir boy,
That would make an angel cum.
Roll him over, sleep in clover.
It's a curate's only joy.
And you needn't give a rap,
For you'll never catch the clap.
Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy.
383
No Balls at All
Come you old drunkards give ear to my tale.
This short little story will make you turn pale.
It's about a young lady, so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.
Chorus
Balls, balls, no balls at all
She married a man, who had no balls at all.
How well she remembered, the night they
were wed.
She rolled back the sheet and crept into bed.
She felt for his penis, how strange it was small.
She fondled his sac, he had no balls at all.
"Mommy, oh Mommy, oh pity my luck.
I've married a man who's unable to fuck.
His tool bag is empty, his screwdriver's small.
The impotent wretch, has got no balls at all."
"Daughter, my Daughter, now don't be a sap.
I had the same trouble with your dear old Pap.
There's many a man who'll come to the call.
Of the wife of the man who has no balls at all.
The pretty young girl took her mother's advice.
And found the whole thing exceedingly nice.
An eleven pound baby was born in the fall.
But the poor little bastard had no balls at all. 384
None is Bigger Than Mine
Three old whores from Baltimore,
Were drinking sherry wine.
And one of them says to the other two,
"None is bigger than mine."
Chorus
So haul on the streets ye hearties,
Sprinkle the decks with brine.
Bend to the oars, you lousy whores,
None is bigger than mine.
"You're a liar," said the second old whore,
"Mine's as big as the sea,"
"The ships sail in and the ships sail out,
With never a tickle to me."
"You're a liar," said the third old whore,
"I've had me a thousand men,
There's some go by and there's some go in,
And never come out again.,"
"You're a liar," said the first old whore,
"Mine's as big as the air,"
"Why the sun could set in the crack of my cunt,
And never burn a pubic hair."
385
North Atlantic Squadron
Chorus
Away, away with fife and drum,
Here we come, full of rum.
Looking for women who peddle their bum,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
When we arrived in Montreal,
She spread her legs from wall to wall.
She took the Captain balls and all,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
A-sailing up and down the coast,
Now, here's the thing we love the most:
To fuck the girls and drink a toast
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Well, off the coast of Labrador,
We took on board a floating whore,
We fucked here forty times or more,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
A-sailing up to Newfoundland,
Each sailor had his prick in his hand.
Oh say, my boys, can you make it stand?
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
And when our ship in drydock,
The whores around us all do flock.
It's every man unfurl your cock,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Frigging on the rigging,
Wanking on the planking,
Masturbating on the grating,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Captain's name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
On any bugger's lugger,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The First Mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball,
But he could shove it to the wall,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Second Mate's name was Andy,
His legs were long and bandy,
And he was pissing in the brandy,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Third Mate's name was Carter,
By God, he was a farter,
On windless days he'd start her,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The crew they were all whiney,
They'd drink up all their winey,
They wanted head but settled for hiney,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
(Continued...) One seaman's name was Morgan,
He was a grisly Gorgon.
All day long he stroked his organ,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Another's name was Wiggun,
By God he had a big 'un.
He whipped for cumming in the riggin',
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Another's name was Slater,
He was a masturbator.
He'd pump his stump and clean it later.
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Captain's wife was Mabel,
Whenever she was able.
She did the crew on the messroom table,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
His mistress was called Charlotte,
Who was born and bred a harlot,
Her long white legs were made scarlet,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Captain's randy daughter,
Was swimming in the water,
Squeeled as eels entered her sexual quarter,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Then there was the Navigator,
He was a fornicator,
After he fucked, her ate her,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The cook whose name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
Serving menstrual stew and hymens fried in
semen,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Another cook was O'Mally,
He didn't dilly dally,
When he cum he whitewashed half the galley,
In the North Atlantic Squadron. Another cook was Herbert,
A gastronomical pervert.
He whacks it off in the sherbet,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Boatswain's name was Lester,
When he was a hymen tester,
He'd leave his dick in to fester,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The engineer was McTavish,
And young girls he did ravish.
He's missing his tool for being lavish,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have been worser,
He asked the crew who said, "Oh, no sir."
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ he had a whopper.
He put it up his bum for a stopper,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
With glass in ass he circumcised the skipper,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
They'd ground hound from Canada to Dover,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The ship's cat's name was Kitty,
His hole was black and shitty,
Twat is twat the Captain showed no pity,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
'Twas in the Adriatic,
Where the water's almost static,
The rise and fall of ass and ball was automatic,
In the North Atlantic Squadron. Got a dose of clap in the Canaries,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
'Twas on the China Station,
To roars of approbation,
We sunk a junk with mutual masturbation,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
The Captain was elated,
The Crew investigated,
He fell ill and had to be castrated,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
And the ladies of the nation,
Arose in indignation,
Suffed his bum with gum in retaliation,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material,
We wish you luck from diseases venereal,
In the North Atlantic Squadron.
386
O - Ducks
O see dem ducks on de bay,
See how dey gamble and play.
O see dem ducks.
See how dey teeter totter,
Out dere upon the water.
Don't you think dey hadn't oughter,
On de Sabbath Day! O-Ducks.
387
Ode to a Hasher
(To: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)
Starkle Starkle little twink,
Who the hell are you I think,
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
A few bruskies make a guy,
Fool so feelish, don't know why,
Really don't know who's me yet,
The drunker i stay the longer I get,
So just one more to fill my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
388
Oh! Susanna
By Smoking Wiener)
(To: Oh! Susanna)
I come from Alabama with my shlong down
past my knee,
I'm go-in to a Hashing , my true love for to
see.
I stroked all night the day I left, my pecker it
was dry
My cum so hot You'll freeze to death,
Susanna, don't you cry.
Chorus
Oh! Susanna, Oh won't you cum with me,
For I come from Alabama with my shlong
down past my knee.
I had a dream the other night, when
everything was still;
I thought I saw Susanna dear, a cumming on
the hill.
My long hard snake was in her mouth, some
cum was in her eye,
Says I, I'm coming in your mouth, Susanna,
don't you cry.
I soon will be in New Orleans, and then I'll
fool around,
And when I find Susanna, I'll fuck her on the
ground.
But if I do not find her, then I will surely die,
And when my cock is buried, Oh, Susanna,
don't you cry. 389
Old Brown Cow
(To: The Old Grey Mare)
The old brown cow went pffftz up against the
wall,
Pffftz up against the wall, pffftz up against
the wall,
The old brown cow went pffftz up against the
wall,
And the wall was covered in shit, shit, shit!
390
Old Chisholm Trail
(To: Chisholm Trail)
Spoken:
Old pioneers with great long ears,
They've lived in fields and ditches,
They fucked their wives with Bowie knives -
The dirty sons-a-bitches.
Sung:
Come along boys, and listen to my tale,
I'll tell you of my troubles on the old
Chisholm Trail.
Chorus
Ti yi yip-pee yip-pee yay yip-pee yay,
Come a ti yi yip-pee yip-pee yay.
With my foot in the stirrup and my ass in the
saddle,
I gotta round up the sonofabitchin' cattle.
They sent me to the boss just to get a little roller,
I thought I'd go to town to get some tallow
on my pole-a.
Oh, I rode and I rode and I rode to the south.
Till my horse's old tongue hung out of his mouth.
Now, little Fanny Walter was a nice fat squaw,
She lived down by the Chickasaw.
Well, when I met her I offered her a penny,
She said, "I'm sorry but I haven't got any."
Well, when I met her I offered her a nickel,
She said, "I am sorry but that wouldn't buy a
tickle."
Well, when I met her I offered her a dime.
She said, "You'll have to try some other time."
Well, when I met her I offered her a quarter.
She said, "By God, I'm a cowpuncher's daughter."
Well, when I met her I offered her a half.
She said, "God, dammit, I ain't no calf."
Well, I went to her house, laid a dollar in her
hand.
She said, "Young man, can you make him stand?"
Oh, I took her by the waist and I throwed her
down,
And my balls hit her ass before she touched
the ground.
Well I fucked her standing and I fucked her
lying,
And I'd-a had wings I'd-a fucked her flying.
Well, when I hot up she called me "kid."
She said, "You'll remember me," and by
God, I did.
In about three days I began to feel sick,
And my underwear stuck to the end of my dick.
The very next day my prick turned blue,
I got so scared, didn't know what to do.
I went to the doctor with my cock in my hand,
Said, "By God, doctor, it's the worst in the land."
The Doc took a look and then said, "Cough,"
I coughed so hard, my balls fell off.
The doctor he rolled it with a little blue stone.
Says I, "goddamn you, doctor, let that
alone." Now every time I go out to pee,
Blood and corruption come from me.
And every time I go out to piss,
I think of the gal who gave me this.
The last time I seen her, and I ain't seen her
since,
She was scratching her cunt on a barbed wire
fence,
The last time I seen her she was floating
down the stream,
With a handful of money and a belly full of
cream.
So that's my story of my search for tail,
And I'm back punchin' cattle on the Old
Chisholm Trail.
391
Old Irish State
(To: Villikins and His Dinah)
I'll sing you a song of the old Irish race,
And the problems these poor people must face.
If you're asked who's got an IQ of 108,
It's the total points scored by the whole Irish
state.
Chorus
With an urr urr urr, and an arr arr arr arr,
They come from a-near and they come from
afar,
To hear our heroes and also to see,
Who am the next one a-going to be.
Now Patrick was screwing for over an hour
When he stopped and said to his girl in a glower
"You've got nothing on top and nothing below."
She said, "Get off my back, you silly old crow."
Now Sean was a student at the top of his form
"What's 4 and 4," said his mother, when he
was at home.
"Seven," he replied, said his father with glee.
He's such a clever lad, he only missed it by
three.
Mrs. Riley went shopping for anti-perspirant,
"For my husband," she said, "you know what
I want."
"It's the ball type you're after," said the
shopgirl, "I think"
"No, for under his armpits is where the
bugger do stink."
"The defendant, did he rape you?" said the
judge to Anna.
"Yes he did," she replied in her most demure
manner.
"And to the best of your knowledge, did he
have a climax?"
"No, a Japanese Mazda, them be the facts."
Now Mary O'Toole a gynecologist had seen.
He opened her legs and peered in between.
He said, "When did you last have a check-up
in here?"
She said, "I've only had Hungarians for over
a year."
"Pilot Murphy to control tower, I want to
come in."
"Control tower to Murphy, instructions begin.
What's your height and position, you stupid
old runt?"
"I be five-foot-nine tall and I be sitting in front."
Mrs O'Leary buried her husband, but her
friend had found
That she'd left his bare arse sticking out of
the ground.
"Why'd you do that, I've never seen such like?"
"Well, when I visit the grave, I can park me
bike."
Well the Jews tell us that they're God's
chosen race.
But it could have been our fair land in its place.
For God went a searching, he looked all around.
But three wise men and a virgin just couldn't
be found. 392
Old King Cole
(To: Old King Cole)
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his wife and he called for his pipe,
And he called for his hashers three.
Now every hasher had a very large thirst,
And a very large thirst had he.
Beer, beer, beer said the hashers,
Merry, merry men are we.
There's none so fair that can compare,
With the hashers of H three.
(Interruption between each verse.)
Songmaster: How's your father?
Pack: ALL RIGHT!
Songmaster: How's your mother?
Pack: SHE'S TIGHT!
Songmaster: How's your sister?
Pack: SHE MIGHT!
Songmaster: When was the last time?
Pack: LAST NIGHT!
Songmaster: When is the next time?
Pack: TONIGHT!
Songmaster: How's your asshole?
Pack: FULL OF SHITE!
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his wife and he called for his pipe,
And he called for his hares three,
Now every hare had a very fine trail,
And a very fine trail had he.
Let me take you in the bushes said the hares,
Beer, beer, beer said the hashers,
Merry, merry men are we.
There's none so fair that can compare,
With the hashers of H three.
(accumulating lines and awarding down
downs to the songmaster that screws it up
afterwards)
Fiddlers three...
A very fine fiddle...
Fiddle-diddle-dee, diddle-dee, said the fiddlers,
Tailors three...
A very fine needle...
Stick it in and out, in and out said the tailors,
Jugglers three...
Two very fine balls...
Throw your balls in the air said the jugglers...
Butchers three...
A very fine choppe...
Put it on the block, chop it off said the butchers.
Barmaids three...
A very fine cand...
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out said the barmaids.
Cyclists three...
Two very fine pedal...
Round and round, round and round said the
cyclists.
Flautist three...
A very fine flut...
Root diddly-oot, root diddly-oot said the flautist.
Painters three...
A very fine brush...
Wop it up and down, up and down said the
painters.
Horsemen three...
A very find saddle...
Ride it up and down, up and down said the horsemen.
Carpenters three...
A very fine hammer...
Bang away, bang away, bang away said the
carpenters.
Surgeons three...
A very fine scalpel...
Cut it round the knob, make it throb said the
surgeons. Fishermen three...
A very fine rod...
Mine is two feet long said the fishermen,
Huntsmen three...
A very fine horn...
Wake up in the morn with a horn said the huntsmen.
Coalmen three...
A very fine sack-
Want it in the front or the back said the coalmen.
Drummers three...
A very fine drum...
Thump it right up to the stump said the drummers.
Axemen three...
A very fine axe...
Chop it right back to the stump said the axemen.
Parsons three...
A very fine book...
Goodness, gracious me said the parsons.
Ladies three...
A very fine cat...
Come and pet my pussy said the ladies.
393
On Top of Old Sophie
(To: On Top of Old Smokie)
On top of Old Sophie,
All covered with sweat.
I've used fourteen rubbers,
But she hasn't come yet.
For fucking's a pleasure,
and farting's relief.
But a long-winded lover,
Will bring nothing but grief.
She'll kiss you and hug you,
Say it won't take long.
But two hours later,
You're still going strong.
So come all you lovers,
And listen to me.
Don't waste your erection,
On a long winded she.
For your root will just wither,
And your passion will die.
And she will forsake you,
And you'll never know why.
394
Once a Bloody Hasher
(To: Waltzing Matilda)
Theme song for shortcutting bastards
everywhere.
Once a bloody hasher,
Jumped into a shiggy-pit,
Under the smell of a durian tree.
And he hummed and he stank,
As he swallowed all that shiggy pit.
I'll never see the beer said he.
Chorus
Short-cutting bastards,
Short-cutting bastards,
I'll never short-cut again said he,
And he stank as he sank,
And wallowed in that shiggy pit,
Who'll come a wallowing,
In hash with me.
Up jumped a kampung man,
Screaming most hysterically.
You can't swim there, Tuan said he.
That's my jolly shiggy-pit,
You've got in your underpants.
That will cost you ringits,
One, two, three.
(Continued...) Out climbed the hasher,
Dripping very smellily,
You'll never get your kitty from me.
And he squelched and he oozed,
Over to a billabong.
Who'll come a wallowing,
In hash with me.
(Quietly)
Now his voice may be heard,
As he runs the trail so lone-i-ly.
Please, please, please come a running with me.
But the pack far ahead,
Was hiding very craftily.
"Back to your shiggy pit and let us be!"
395
One Twat
(To: Guantanamera)
One twat'll nail ya,
We tell ya one twat'll nail ya,
The other twats'll jail ya,
Again we have to explain ya,
We don' wan' your old nachos,
Just give us cock, muchas gracias,
We wan' your hot jalapeno,
Don' wan' your thoughts from the beano,
Just wan' your hot jalapeno.
One twat'll nail ya,
We tell ya one twat'll nail ya,
The other twats'll jail ya,
(masturbation gesture)
We tell ya one twat won' fail ya,
One twat won' fail ya,
One twat won' fail ya. 396
One on the Table
(To: Guantanamera)
One on the table,
There's only one on the table,
One on the ta-ble,
There's only one on the table.
Two on the table!
There's only two on the table,
Two on the ta-ble,
There's only two on the table.
etc...
397
One-Eyed Riley
When I was sitting by the fire,
Drinking whiskey, passing water,
Suddenly a thought come to my mind,
I'd like to fuck O'Riley's daughter.
Chorus
Giddy-eye-eye, giddy-eye-oh
Giddy-eye-eye, for the one-eyed Riley,
Rough 'em up, stuff em up, balls and all,
Hey jig-a-jig-eye-oh.
(Play it on your old base drum)
Her hair was black, her eyes were blue,
The Colonel, the Major, and the Captain
sought her,
The regimental goat and the drummer boy too,
But they never had a fuck with O'Riley's daughter.
Jack O'Flanagan is my name,
I'm the king of copulation,
Drinking beer my claim to fame,
Fucking women my occupation. Walking through the town one day,
Who should I meet but O'Riley's daughter,
Never a word to her did say,
But "Don't you think we really 'oughter?"
Up the stairs and into bed,
There I cocked my left leg over,
Marianne was smiling then,
Smiling still when the fuck was over.
Fucked her till her tits were flat,
Filled her up with soapy water,
She won't get away with that,
If she doesn't have twins then she really 'oughter.
Suddenly footsteps on the stairs,
Old man 'Riley bent on slaughter,
Bloody great pistol in his hand,
Looking for the one who fucked his daughter.
He fired the pistol at my head,
Missed me by an inch and quarter,
Hit his daughter Marianne,
Right in the place where she passes water.
I grabbed O'Riley by the hair,
Shoved his head in a bucket of water,
Rammed his pistol up his ass,
A damn sight quicker than I fucked his daughter.
Old man Riley's dead and gone,
Shall we bury him? Not fucking likely,
We'll nail him to the shithouse door,
And there we'll bugger him twice nightly.
Come you virgins, maidens fair,
Answer me quick and true not slyly.
Do you want it straight and square,
Or the way I gave it to one eyed 'Riley? 398
One-Eyed Trouser Snake
Oh, I got a little creature,
I suppose you'd call him a pet,
And if there's something wrong with him,
I don't have to see the vet.
He goes everywhere that I go,
Whether sleeping or awake.
God help me if I ever lost,
Me one-eyed trouser snake.
Chorus
Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake,
Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake.
God help me if I ever lost,
Me one-eyed trouser snake.
One day I got reading in,
An old sky pilot's book,
About two strakers bastards,
Who made the hood go crook.
They reckoned it was a serpent,
That made eve the apple take,
Cripes, that was no flaming serpent,
'Twas Adam's one-eyed trouser snake.
I met this arty sheila,
Who I'd never met before,
And something kind of told me,
She banged like a dunny door.
I said, "Come up and see me etching",
She said, "I hope it's not a fake."
I said, "Its real, and a work of art.
It's my one-eyed trouser snake."
So come all you little sheilas,
And listen to me some,
The moral of the trouser snake,
Is short as it is long,
Beware of imitation,
Don't lock your bedroom door,
When my pajama python bites you,
You'll be screaming out for more. 399
Or Would You Rather Be A?
(To: Swinging on a Star)
A Pom is an animal that drinks warm beers,
He winces at everything he hears.
He wears a bowler, eats fish and chips,
He never showers so he stinks like shit,
So, if you're dirty and smelling quite strong,
You could grow up to be a Pom.
Chorus
Or would you rather prop up a bar?
Drinking Singhas out of a jar?
And be better off than you are?
Or would you rather be a ______?
A Yank is an animal that don't know jack shit,
He's got no humor and no wit.
His beer's like water and he talks too much,
He don't even know that a fanny's a crutch,
So if you can't tell a jackoff from a wank,
You could grow up to be a Yank.
An Ocker is an animal with corks in his hat,
He'd rather drink piss than tickle twat.
He's got a roo for a rabbit and a dingo for a
dog,
He wishes he could think, but he's missing a
cog,
So, if you're dumb and your manners are a shocker,
You could grow up to be an Ocker.
A Kiwi is an animal that likes to fuck sheep,
He's so thick it makes you want to weep.
He's so damn lazy that he lives on the dole,
He'd like to screw women, but he can't find
their hole,
So if you can't tell a ewe from a she,
You could grow up to be Kiwi.
A Limey is an animal who travels around,
He takes his sheep on any grassy mound.
He's so damn smart or one would think,
According to him, his shit don't stink,
So if your vain and your dick is very tiny,
You could grow up to be a Limey. 400
Oral Sex
(To: Oklahoma)
O.......ral sex is every,
Hasher's dream come true!
With my lips so sweet,
Upon his meat,
In a moment he'll begin to spew!
O.......ral sex, every night,
My Honey-Lamb and I,
Practice 69,
And it's so fine,
That it brings a tear to my eye.
Oral sex with a Hasher is grand,
'Cause a tongue is more fun than a hand!
So when I saaay,
Yippee Yippee Oh I Aaaa,
That means I'm having,
Oral Sex with a Hasher,
Oral sex, O-R-A-L-S-E-X,
Oral sex is, OK!
401
Orlandos InterAmericas Hash Song
(To: Come Monday)
Headed out to Orlando,
For the Labor day InterHash,
I've got my muddy shoes on,
I guess I never was meant for running marathons.
Hey fellows, I didn't know,
But If she's willing to go,
Down on me, I'll be all right,
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight.
Chorus
I've spent four awesome days,
In the shiggy Everglades,
And I just want to drink some more beer! Yes, it's been quite a weekend,
Empty Kegs and piss in the pool,
And now we're off to the hot tub,
For Jammies toe sucking school.
Hey Darlin, it's hard don't you know,
That's the reason I need you to go,
Down on me, and I'll be all right,
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight.
I can't help it Honey,
I laughed at your pussy fart sound,
Remember that night in the stairwell,
When we thought there'd be no-one around.
(break)
I hope you're enjoying the sucking,
I swear I won't cum in your mouth,
I promise I'll look you Darlin,
Next time that I'm headed down south,
Thank you mam, what a pleasure it's been,
Could you tell me your Hashname again? (as
you go)
Down on me, I'll be all right,
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight.
(repeat chorus twice)
402
Ou Est le Papier?
(To: Marseillaise)
A Frenchman went to the lavat'ry,
To have him a jolly good shit,
He took his coat and trousers off,
So that he could revel in it.
But when he reached for the paper,
He found that someone had been there before,
"Ou est le papier?"
Ou est le papier?
Monsieur, monsieur, J'at fait manure.
Ou est le papier? 403
Our GM
(To: From the Halls of Montezuma)
There's a man we call our GM,
Who's brave & fine & mad,
And we'll follow him forever,
Though his mental state is bad.
We'll run for him in sunshine,
We'll run for him in rain,
Though we know he's got a swelling,
On the front part of his brain.
Oh, he may have little black-outs,
But they're only fairly slight,
He has moments of depression,
When the Hares don't get it right.
He's got all the classic symptoms,
Of advanced mental decay,
Still we'll kill ourselves for GM,
Despite all the doctors say.
404
The Out of Towner
(To: The Battle of New Orleans)
We jumped into our auto,
And we headed out of town,
Why were you born so beautiful,
You better drink it down.
We pulled into the parking lot,
It didn't take us long,
To jump out of our autos,
And sing this bloody song.
Chorus
We found cold beer,
So we all began a'drinkin',
The beer was pretty tasty,
So we thought we'd have some more.
The hours passed by,
And we kept on bloody drinkin',
We're not leavin' till we're heavin',
And we've passed out on the floor.
(Continued...)
We met up with the hashers,
Who invited us to here,
To fornicate and copulate,
And drink their bloody beer.
We kissed and hugged the hashers,
Who had come from near and far,
We heard the cries of "On On",
Coming from a distant bar.
The hares had just departed,
And had started laying trail,
When the cops surrounded us,
And said we all are goin' to jail.
We climbed into the paddy wagon,
Locked inside the cavern,
But when the doors flew open,
We were at another tavern.
(And the hares laughed so!)
We circled up for Down Downs,
And to sing another song,
When something started telling us,
There must be something wrong.
Our bellies started growling,
They they needed liquid grub,
So we put away the food,
And went to chug inside the pub.
We went on to the On On On,
To have a rowdy time,
But all that we could gather,
From our pockets was a dime.
We put our heads together,
And thought that we could scrounge,
The money it would take,
To get a beer inside the lounge.
We packed our bags and loaded up,
To get away from there,
When someone in the crowd yelled out,
"We found some more cold beer!"
We couldn't leave the ice cold beer,
'Cause it would be a sin,
We downed our beer and started home,
But wound up at an inn. 405
Over the River And Through the Woods
(To: Over the River And Through the
Woods)
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
This trail really sucks,
The pack's out of luck,
Why are we in Mexico?
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
If we find the hare,
We'll strip him all bare,
And into the creek he will go!
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
If we find the On-In,
The Down-Downs begin,
A singin' and drinkin' show.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
We'll pass 'round the jug,
And fill up our mug,
As the beer and the whisky flow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
I asked her for sex,
She said I was next,
After Larry, Curley and Moe.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
She wanted a bed,
I asked for some head,
She obliged me with a blow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
I tripped on a rock,
And busted my cock,
It needs Viagra to grow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
When you can't have sex,
And your girl is your ex,
Give your thumb and fingers a go. 406
Paper Hash Marks
(To: Paper Roses)
I re-al-lize the way your trail de-ceived me,
With several BT's I mistook for trail.
So take a-way the false trail that you left me,
And lay the kind that leads to the beer pail.
Chorus
Pa-per Hash Marks, Pa-per Hash Marks,
Oh how real those hash marks seemed to me.
But they're on-ly, Pa-per Hash Marks,
Like your imitation trail for me.
Your pretty trail looked warm and so ap-
peal-ing,
But it was "Bad!", I shouted with a tear.
Can't take another falsy so I'm plead-ing,
Start laying paper hash marks to the beer!
407
Patriotic Song
Asshole, asshole,
A soldier I would be,
To piss, to piss,
Two pistols on my knee.
Fuck you, fuck you,
For curiosity.
To fight for the old cunt,
To fight for the old cunt,
Fight for the old country.
408
Pecker Picker
Can't understand it - can't comprehend,
Why someone thinks I'd eat a friend,
Tho' Pecker Picker is the name,
Picking peckers is not the game,
At least not to peck my way around,
Any hasher who's flat out on the ground.
I too heard the rumour a harriette,
RJ's pecker got down and ate,
I hate to disappoint you all,
But twasn't me who had a "ball",
In fact I heard the very same gossip,
And put it down to just a fib.
Anyway when all is said and done,
I must admit I like to have fun,
But I am choosy about whose dick,
Gets the privliledge of a peck and pick,
And as much as I like old RJ,
Twasn't me got down on him that day
I was far too busy getting it on,
With someone other than R. Jon,
So the moral of the story thus,
I can't understand all this fuss,
About someone getting a blow job,
And a harriette who got a sore gob.
409
People in Pink Tutus
(To: The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers)
The wonderful thing about people in pink tutus,
People in pink tutus are a wonderful thing,
Their dicks are sheathed in rubber,
Their tampons have wonderful strings.
They're bouncy, wouncy, trouncy, flouncy,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about people
in pink tutus is,
I'm NOT the only one! 410
Peri Periwinkle
(To: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin)
Noo a lassie was roamin' by the banks of
Loch Lomand,
She slipped on her dress and a wee chunk o'stane.
Noo a Parson was passin' and on her took passion,
He lifted her up and he carried her hame.
Chorus
Singin' Peri Periwinkle, I see your wee wrinkle,
Singin' Peri Periwinkle, but you canna see mine!
Noo he fed her and cled her and into bed led
her,
And noo that wee lassie's asufferin with shame;
For he jumped in beside her and started to
ride her,
And noo that wee lassie's the Whore of Dunbane.
Noo all the little angels are sent, are sent up,
Noo all the little angels are sent up on high.
Which end up? Ass end up.
Which end up? Ass end up.
All the little angles ass end up on high.
411
Pike's Peak Hashers
(To: Son of a Gambolier)
Us Pike's Peak hashers are dirty flashers,
We piss through leather britches,
We wipe our ass with broken glass,
Us horny sons of bitches.
When cunt is rare, we fuck a bear,
We knife him if he snitches,
We knock our cocks against the rocks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We take our ass upon the grass,
In bushes or in ditches,
Our two-pound dinks are full of kinks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
Without remorse, we fuck a horse,
And beat him if he twitches,
Our two-foot pricks are full of nicks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
To make a mule stand for the tool,
We beat him with hickory switches,
We use our pricks for walking sticks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
Great joy we reap from cornholing sheep,
In barns, or bogs, or ditches,
Nor give a damn if it be a ram,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We walk around, prick to the ground,
And kick it if it itches,
And if it throbs, we scratch it with cobs,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We masturbate from morn to late,
Till our bloody foreskin twitches,
Next morning at ten we begin again,
Us horny sons of bitches.
At Pike's Peak, we got no fears,
We do not stop at trifles,
We hang our balls on the walls,
And shoot at them with rifles.
We scrounge a cow and care not how,
The shit sticks to our britches,
And fetch a bull and fill him full,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We fuck our wives with butcher knives,
And keep their cunts in stitches,
But VD makes it hurt to pee,
Us horny sons of bitches. 412
Pioneers
(To: Son of a Gambolier)
The pioneers have hairy ears,
They piss through leather britches,
They wipe their ass with broken glass,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
When cunt is rare they fuck a bear,
They knife him if he snitches,
They knock their cock against the rocks,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
They take their ass upon the grass,
From fairies or from witches,
Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
Without remorse they fuck a horse,
And beat him if he twitches',
Their mighty dicks are full of nicks,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
To make a mule stand for the tool,
He's beat with hickory switches;
They use their pricks for walking sticks,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
Great joy they reap from bugg'ring sheep,
In sundry bogs and ditches,
Nor give a damn if he be a ram -
Those hardy sons of bitches!
When booze is rare, they do not care,
They take a shot of Fitch's,
The fuck their wives with butcher knives,
Those hardy sons of bitches!
413
Pissanya, Shitanya
Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya,
Pissanya's a grand old name.
If I had my way I'd Pissanya all day.
Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya.
Shitanya, Shitanya, Shitanya,
Shitanya's a grand old name.
If I had my way I'd Shitanya all day.
Shitanya, Shitanya, Shitanya.
414
Poor Little Angeline
She was sweet sixteen and the village queen,
Pure and innocent was Angeline.
A virgin still, never known a thrill,
Poor little Angeline.
At the village fair, the Squire was there,
Masturbating in the middle of the square,
When he chanced to see the dainty knee,
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the village Squire had a low desire,
To be the biggest bastard in the whole damn
shire.
He had set is heart on the feral part,
Of poor little Angeline.
As she lifted her skirt to avoid the dirt,
She slipped in the puddle of the Squires last
squirt,
And his knob grew raw at the sight he saw,
Of poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat and said, "Miss, your cat,
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat.
But my car is in the square and I'll take you
there,
Oh Dear little Angeline."
Now the filthy old turd should have got the
bird,
Instead she followed him without a word,
And as they drove away, you could hear
them say,
Poor little Angeline.
(Continued...) They had not gone far when he stopped his
car,
And took little Angeline into a bar,
Where he filled her with gin, just to make her
sin,
Poor little Angeline.
When he'd oiled her well, he took her to a dell,
And there he gave her merry fucking hell,
And he tried his luck with a low down fuck,
On poor little Angeline.
With a cry of "Rape," he raised his cape,
Poor little Angeline had no escape.
Now it's time someone came to save the name,
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the story is told of a blacksmith bold,
Who'd loved little Angeline for years untold.
He was handsome too and he'd promised to
be true,
To poor little Angeline.
But sad to say, that very same day,
The blacksmith had gone to jail to stay,
For coming in his pants at the local dance,
With poor little Angeline.
Now the window of his cell overlooked the
dell,
Where the Squire was giving poor Angeline
hell,
As she lay on the grass, he recognized the ass,
Of poor little Angeline.
Now he got such a start that he let out a fart,
Which blew the prison bars wide apart.
And he ran like shit lest the Squire should split,
His poor little Angeline.
When he got the spot and saw what was what,
He tied the villain's penis in a granny knot.
As the Squire lay on his guts he was kicked
in the nuts,
By poor little Angeline.
"Oh blacksmith true, I love you, I do,
And I can tell by your trousers that you love
me too,
Here I am undressed, come and do your best,"
Cried poor little Angeline.
No it won't take long to finish this song,
For the blacksmith had a penis over one foot
long,
And his phallic charm was as brawny as his
arm.
Happy little Angeline.
415
Portions of a Woman
Now the portions of a woman,
That appeal to a man's depravity,
Are fashioned with the most exquisite care.
And that what may seem to you,
To be a simple little cavity,
Is really an elaborate affair.
Now, we doctors who have taken time,
To study these phenomena,
In numbers of experimental dames,
Have made a little list,
Of all these feminine abdomena,
And given them delightful Latin names.
There's the vulva, the vagina,
And the jolly perineum.
And the hymen which is sometimes found in
brides.
And lots of other gadgets,
You would love if you could see 'em,
There's the clitoris, and Christ knows what besides.
Now it makes us rather tired,
when you idle people chatter,
About things to which we've just referred.
And to hear you give a name
To such a complicated matter,
With such a short and unattractive word:
CUNT! 416
Precious Mem'ries
(To: Precious Memories)
Precious mem'ries, last night's down down,
Beer kegs floating by the score.
Drank some whiskey, puked on the ground,
Woke that morn next to a whore.
Chorus
Precious mem'ries, last night's down down,
Woke that morn next to a whore.
In the sunlight, she was a fright,
Beer, no whiskey any more.
Guide me father, help me mother,
Why'd I have to see this sight,
Did some hashin', and some drinkin',
Don't deserve this awful plight.
As I'm hashin', on the pathway,
Not a worry nor a fear,
But I promise, at the down down,
I'll pass the whiskey, drink the beer.
417
Pretty Hasher
(To: Pretty Woman)
Pretty Hasher, running down the street,
Pretty Hasher, the kind I like to meet,
Pretty Hasher, I don't believe you, you're not
true,
No one could have tits like you.
Pretty Hasher, won't you pardon me,
Pretty Hasher, I couldn't help but see,
Pretty Hasher, you look horny, I can see,
Are you horny just like me?
Pretty Hasher, stop a while,
Pretty Hasher, talk a while,
Pretty Hasher, give your cunt to me,
Pretty Hasher, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty Hasher, say you'll cum,
Pretty Hasher, say you'll cum with me,
'Cause I need you, I'll treat you right,
Cum with me baby, climax tonight.
Pretty Hasher, don't run on by,
Pretty Hasher, don't make me cry,
Pretty Hasher, don't run away.
OK, if that's the way it must be,
OK, I guess I'll go home and masturbate,
There'll be tomorrow night, I'll wait.
What do I see?
Is she jogging back to me?
Yes, she's jogging back to me,
Oh, oh, pretty Hasher.
418
Pretty Redwing
There once was an Indian maid,
Who always was afraid,
That some buckaroo would slip it up her flue,
As she lay sleeping the whole night through.
She had an idea grand,
And she filled it up with sand,
So no big buck in search of fuck,
Could reach the promised land.
Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing.
As she lay sleeping,
There came a creeping,
A cowboy quietly came creeping,
His heart a leaping as he spied her.
Redwing sprang to life,
Whipped out her Bowie knife.
With two quick cuts she severed his nuts,
And then she stabbed him in the guts.
The cowboy he did die,
Beneath the prairie sky.
He stretched his luck in search of a fuck,
For Redwing was too sly.
(Continued...)
Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing,
As she lies snoring there hangs a warning:
The cowboy's balls are now adorning,
Her teepee awning for all to see.
But to her big surprise,
Her belly began to rise.
And out of her cunt came a little runt
Who had a strange look in his eyes.
Poor Redwing was distressed,
Until the Chief confessed.
You can't pull the wool o'er Sitting Bull-
At fucking I'm the best.
Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing.
Within her teepee the kid makes peepee.
And poor Redwing constantly is sleepy
As she makes yippee with Sitting Bull.
419
Pubic Hairs
(To: Baby Face)
Pubic hairs.
You've got the cutest little pubic hairs.
There's nothing that can compare,
Pubic hairs.
Penis or vagina, there's nothing that could be
finer,
Pubic hairs.
I'm up in heaven when I'm in your underwear,
I don't need a shovel to take a mouthful of,
Your cute little pubic hairs!
420
Put Your Leg Over My Shoulder
(To: Side by Side)
Harrier verses
(deep voice if sung by a harriettes)
Put your left leg over my shoulder,
Put your right leg over my shoulder,
(Wag tongue)
La-la-la-la-la-laa, la-la-la-laa, la la laa.
Put your left tit over my shoulder,
Put your right tit over my shoulder,
(Shake head side to side)
Bla-bla-bla-bla-blaa, bla-bla-blaa, bla bla blaa.
Harriette verse in reply
(falsetto if sung by a harrier)
Put your left nut over my shoulder,
Put your right nut over my shoulder,
(Move head in and out)
Humma-humma-hum-hummm, humma-hum-
hummm, hum hum hummm
421
Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders
(To: Put Your Head on My Shoulder)
(Harriers)
Put your legs round my shoulders
(shoulders),
Let me lick your lips slowly (slowly),
You know you are the only (only),
Hasher I let sit on my face (my face)
Put your lips on my sweet meat (sweet meat),
Cause you know that it's a real treat (real
treat),
And you know you just can't beat (can't
beat),
The taste of my meat in your mouth (your
mouth)
Put your legs round my midriff (midriff),
Cause I've got something real stiff (real stiff),
And I know you'd be real miffed (real
miffed),
If you miss out on your chance (EAT SHIT!)
(Harriettes)
Put your legs round my shoulders
(shoulders),
Let me suck your cock slowly (slowly),
Because you know you're not the only (only),
Guy I let sit on my face (my face). Put your lips on my sweet lips (sweet lips),
Let your tongue do the walkin' (walkin'),
I'll be doing all the talkin' (talkin'),
While I sit on your face (your face).
Put your legs round my midriff (midriff),
Let me ride somethin' real stiff (real stiff),
You know you will be real miffed (real
miffed),
If you miss out on the ride of your life (your
life).
Turn me round to the other side (other side),
For a different sort of fun ride (fun ride),
You know you won't slip and slide (slip and
slide),
When I've got you up on my back side (back
side).
Put your lips round my big toe (big toe),
Suck me into erotic throes (erotic throes),
But you really, really must know (must
know),
I don't get off on you sucking my big toe (big
toe).
422
Queen Berets
(To: Ballad of the Green Berets)
Falling fairies from the sky,
I broke a nail, Oh I could Cry!
Don't you like how my tush sways?
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Clinton's words upon my ears,
"You guys have rights, be proud my queers."
I once was scared, now I'm okay,
Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.
Put silver ear clips on my nuts,
I love pain, now spank my butt,
The way you walk is awfully cute,
I sure would like to pack your chute!
This Army stuff is really slick,
Free meals and clothes and lots of dicks.
When I retire, I still get paid,
We thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.
423
Queen of All the Fairies
Oh, she was a cripple with only one nipple,
To feed the baby on.
Poor little fucker, he's only one sucker,
To start his life upon.
Twenty-one, never been done,
Queen of all the fairies.
Ain't it a pity she'd only one titty,
To feed the baby on.
Poor little bugger, he'll never play rugger,
Nor grow up big and strong.
Twenty-one, never been done,
Queen of all the fairies.
As he got older and bolder and bolder,
And took himself in hand,
And flipped and flipped,
And flipped and flipped,
To the tune of an army band.
They tried him in the infantry,
They tried him on the land and sea,
The poor little bugger had no success,
He left everything in a terrible mess,
We see no hope for him unless,
He joins the W.R.A.F.
Twenty-one, never been done,
Queen of all the fairies. 424
Rajah of Aatrakhan
(To: When Johnnie Comes Marching Home)
There was a Rajah of Astrakhan,
Yo ho, Yo ho,
A most licentious fucking man,
Yo ho, yo ho,
Of wives he had a hundred and nine,
Including his favorite concubine,
Yo ho, you buggers, yo ho, you buggers,
Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho.
One day when he had a hell of a stand,
He called to a warrior, one of his band,
Go down without wasting any time,
Get me my favorite concubine.
The warrior fetched the concubine,
A face like Venus, a face divine,
The Rajah gave a significant grunt,
And rammed his penis up her cunt.
The Rajah's cries were loud and long,
The maiden's cries were sure and strong,
But just when all had come to a head,
They both fell through the fucking bed.
They hit the floor with a hell of a grunt,
Which completely buggered the poor girl's cunt,
And as for the Rajah's magnificent cock,
It never recovered from the shock.
There is a moral to this tale,
There is a moral to this tale,
If you would fuck a girl at all,
Stand her right up against the wall. 425
Rawhide
(To: Rawhide)
Rollin', rollin', rollin,
My dick is gettin' swollen,
I got this doggie rollin', Rawhide.
My knob is hard as leather,
But I'll get it in whatever,
I wish I could get the tip inside,
I stab but I keep missin',
This wasn't made for pissin',
I'm waiting for this year's first ride.
Chorus
Pull 'em down, get 'em off,
Get 'em off, pull 'em down,
Pull 'em down, Get 'em off, Rawhide.
Stick it in, pull it out,
Pull it out, stick it in,
Stick it in, pull it out, Rawhide.
She's movin', movin', movin',
Stops my manhood groovin',
This doggie won't stop movin', Raw- hide.
It's gonna be sore later,
But I've been a masturbator,
All those years that I've just spent inside,
My balls they are aching,
From ages wanking, waiting,
Waiting to get this thing inside.
Rollin', rollin', rollin',
I'm rootin' her assholin',
We're mounted doggy style, Rawhide.
I don't try to understand her,
Just catch and grope and bang her,
Now her twat is gettin' wet and wide,
My foreskin's torn and tattered,
Her pussy's worn and battered,
At last I'll drop my load inside. 426
Red Rag in the Sunset
(To: Red Sail in the Sunset)
Red rag in the sunset,
Blood drips like the sea.
I'm just a young virgin,
Please don't piss on me.
I'll lick up your juices,
'Til my face turns blue.
Red rag in the sunset,
I'm trusting in you.
Be easy on me now,
Don't bite it no more.
Six-nine not a toilet,
Don't piss you old whore!
Red rag in the sunset,
Blood drips like the sea.
I've earned my red wings now,
Bitch don't piss on me!
427
Redneck Mother
(To: Redneck Mother)
He was born in Oklahoma,
His wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Liz,
And he's not responsible for what he's doin',
His mama made him what he is.
Chorus
And it's up against the wall, redneck mother,
Mother who has raised a son so well (so well,
so well),
He's 34, a drinkin' in a honky tonk,
Just kickin' hippie ass and raisin' hell.
He sure does like his Shiner beer,
He likes to chase it down with Wild Turkey
liquor,
He drives a '67 Chevy pick-em-up truck,
He's got a gun rack and a "Goat
Ropers Need Love Too" sticker.
M is for the Mudflaps on my pick-em-up truck,
O is for the Oil I put on my hair,
T is for T-Bird,
H is for Haggard,
E is for Enema,
R is for Redneck!
428
Return To Sender
(To: Return to Sender)
I gave my cum to the sperm bank,
Some semen in a sack.
Bright and early next morning,
They brought my semen back.
They wrote upon it:
Return to sender,
Species unknown.
No such donor,
No more bone.
She wanted a baby,
Begged me for my sack.
I gave her my-seed,
But my seed keeps cumming back.
So then I cummed into the mailbox,
And sent it Special D,
Bright and early next morning,
If came right back to me.
She wrote upon it:
Return to sender,
Species unknown.
No such donor,
No more bone.
This time I'm gonna cum on her,
And put it right in her hand.
And if it cums back the very next day,
Then I'll understand.
The writing on it:
Return to sender,
Species unknown.
No such donor,
No more bone. 429
Rhode Island Red
Has anybody seen my cock,
My big Rhode Island Red?
He's mostly pink, with a little bit of blue,
And he's purple on his head (Gor Blimey).
He stands straight up in the morning,
And he gives me wife a shock,
Has anybody seen, anybody seen,
Anybody, anybody seen my cock?
He's a right big-headed little upstart,
The best you've ever seen.
He could have got gonorrhea,
Instead he got gangrene.
He should have worn a condom,
But the silly sod forgot,
Has anybody seen, has anybody seen,
Has anybody seen my cock?
430
Ring the Bell Verger
Chorus
Ring the bell verger, ring the bell ring,
Perhaps the congregation will condescend to
sing,
Perhaps the village organist sitting on his stool,
Will play upon his organ and not upon his tool.
Ocean liner five months late,
Stoker stoking stoker's mate,
Captain's voice comes down the wire,
"Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire!"
Lordship's chauffeur in the garage lies,
Lordship's wife between his thighs,
Lordship's voice come from afar,
"Stop fucking wife and start fuckin' car!"
Part-time barman in the four-ale lurks,
Tossing off with erratic jerks,
The landlord's voice begins to moan,
"Stop pulling plonker and start pulling foam!"
Verger in the belfry stood,
Grasped in his hand, his mighty pud,
From afar the vicar yells,
"Stop pulling pud and start pulling bells!"
Old time convict in the compound stands,
His prick lies idle in his hands,
The warden's voice begins to moan,
"Stop picking prick and start picking stone!"
431
Ringadangdoo
(To: My Ding-A-Ling)
Chorus
The ringadangdoo, pray what is that?
It's furry and soft, like a pussy-cat,
It's got a crack down the middle,
And a hole right through,
That's what they call the Ringadangdoo.
I once knew a girl, her name was Jean,
The sweetest girl I'd ever seen,
She loved a boy, who was straight and true,
Who longed to play on her ringadangdoo.
So she took him to her father's house,
And crept inside as quiet as a mouse,
And they shut the door and the window too,
And he played all night on her Ringadangdoo.
The very next day her father said,
'You've gone and lost your maidenhead!
You can pack your bags and suitcase, too,
And bugger off with your Ringadangdoo!"
So she went to town and became a whore,
And hung a red light outside her door,
And one by one and two by two,
They came to play on her Ringadangdoo.
There came to that town a son of a bitch,
Who had the pox and the seven-year-itch,
He had gonorrhea and syphilis too -
So that was the end of her Ringadangdoo. 432
Rip My Knickers Away
Be I 'ampshire, be I buggery,
Oi koms up from Wareham,
Oi knows a gal with calico drawers,
And I knows how to tear 'em.
Chorus
Rip my knickers away,
Rip my knickers away,
I don't care what becomes of me,
As long as you finger my C.U.N.T.
Rip my knickers away, away,
Rip my knickers away,
Down the front, down the back,
Round the back, round the crack,
Rip my knickers away.
Walkin' by the field one day,
I heard a maiden crying,
"Oh, please don't rip me knockers off, Jack,
You'll get there by and byin'."
433
Road to Gundagai
There's a crack winding back,
From her belly to her back,
On the road to Gundagai.
There's a yank there beside her,
You bet your balls he'll ride her,
Beneath the starry sky.
With a frenchie on his big prick,
He'll ride her with ease,
As he scratches up the gravel,
With both of his knees,
Though the time will
