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HALF-MIND HYMNAL
A SONGBOOK FOR HASH HOUSE HARRIERS
"Delightfully disgusting, yet repulsive"
Compiled by Paul "Flying Booger" Woodford
May 2004 Edition
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The Half-Mind Hymnal is a songbook for Hash House Harriers. As such, it is
guaranteed to offend. Consider yourself warned.
This is a work in progress. When I started this collection I knew about 100
songs; this edition contains more than 700. The Half-Mind Hymnal is dedicated to
hashers and hashing. Special thanks to Zippy, Bollox, Beaver Bam Bam Balls, Ian
Cumming, Sauer Krotch, Dum B.U.F, Mu-Sick, Neptunus, Sodbuster, Smoking Wiener,
and several non-hashers: Derek Cashman, Ed Cray, and the cast of perverts who
contribute to the Bawdy List (bawdy.net). Thanks also to the authors of hash
songbooks and to the many individual hashers who contributed (and continue to
contribute) songs to this collection. Finally, thanks to the pilots of the USAF
and NATO fighter squadrons in the Second Allied Tactical Air Force who started
me singing and taught me the basic repertoire. Without their inspiration this
songbook wouldn't exist.
On-On!
Flying Booger
Song Master at Large
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Note to Song Masters: A great way to get hashers singing, and to teach them
new songs, is to periodically copy one or two songs from this book, make copies,
hand them out at the hash, then lead the pack in singing. Personally, I think
that's the best way to use this songbook.
Note On Copyright: There is some copyrighted material in this songbook -- a
few Monty Python songs, for example, that are popular with hashers. Please do
not copy those, or tell anyone that I copied them! My own introductory comments,
the way I organize the book, and the songs and poems I write myself are
copyrighted, but you're welcome to share them with other hashers. Other than
that, 90% of the material in this songbook is in the public domain -- it belongs
to all of us, just as the Half-Mind Hymnal belongs to hashers everywhere.
Note On Melodies: Wherever possible, I've tried to name the melodies to the
songs in this collection. If you have access to the Internet, you can look up
scores and download sound files for many of these melodies at the Digital
Tradition Mirror site at http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/. Additional
melody sources are the main Digital Tradition site at http://www.mudcat.org/ and
Zippy's on-line songbook at http://harrier.net/songs/index.html.
Request for Contributions: If you know songs you don't see here, or melodies
to songs labeled "???" or "unknown," please send them to me for inclusion in
future editions. I'll be happy to give you credit. My address is in the back.
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The Half-Mind Hymnal is arranged in the following categories:
DOWN-DOWN DITTIES & HASH RITUALS
- Songs, chants, etc, to liven up the circle and down-downs
HASH ANTHEMS
- Songs celebrating specific Hash House Harrier kennels
SONGS ABOUT HASHING & HASHERS
- Songs about hashing & hashers, what else?
OUR ANIMAL FRIENDS
- "I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole . . ."
THE SPOKEN WORD
- Poems, toasts, recitals, etc
SWEET LOVIN'
- "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours . . ."
HASH CALISTHENICS
- Songs to get the pack movin' & shoutin'
FAMOUS HARRIETTES
- Shocking, just shocking . . . the degradation of wymyn at its worst!
FAMOUS HARRIERS
- "With a yard-and-a-half of foreskin hangin' down below his knees . . ."
IN VINO VERITAS
- Celebrating drink & drinking (hic!)
HASH HOLIDAYS
- Seasonal ditties & carols
HASH STANDARDS
- Ah, there's nothing like the classics!
JUST PLAIN SICK!
- "Who can take a fetus . . ."
SMOKING WIENER'S COCKY HASH SONGS
- This guy's so prolific he gets his own section
YANKEE AIR PIRATES
- The songs that got me started
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DOWN-DOWN DITTIES & HASH RITUALS
A,B,C,D,E,F,G
Air Force Song
Amazing Beer
An Dem Bier
Army Song
Aunt I High
Autohash Song
Battle Hymn of the Hasher
Beery Bunch
Birthday Songs
Blessing of "G"
Blessing of the Hares
Dixie
Does a Hasher
Down Down Down Your Beer
Down Down Ditty
Dumb Shit
Farewell Song
Ft Eustis Down-Down Songs
Hare Toast
Hash Benediction
Hash House Harriers
Hasher's Prayer
Hash Pledge of Allegiance
Hash Rules
Hashin' Brew
Heineken, Schmeineken
Her Left Tit
Here's to _______ (Basic Down-Down Song)
Here's to Brother Hasher(s)
He's a Born Again Pisstank
He's a Hasher, He's Okay
He's the Meanest (two versions)
He Wanks His Crank
Hillary, Mary
His One-Skin
Ice the Bitch
International Hash Hymn
It's a Small Dick
Love Me Tender
Masturbation
Meet the Hashers
Mister Blue Balls
Naming Ceremony
No Blow Song
Oh, Hashshit Boy
Our Lager
Park it on the Ice
Piss Off, Ya Wank
Returner's Song
Salutations
Shiggy Soggy
Short Blessing
Short Hymn
Shortcutter's Song
Sing, Sing a Song
Sing a Song of Six Checks
Soldier Song
Sound of Hashers
Thank God She Finally Shut Up
The Hasher Pukes Tonight (Short Version)
There was a Little Bird
They Ought to be Publicly Pissed On
This Hasher's Been Wanking Off Again
This is Your Down-Down Song
Tired Hasher
Viagra
Virgin Serenade
Visitor's Song
War Hares
Wedding Ceremonies
Wedding Song
We're Here Because . . .
We've Got Virgins
What a Wank
Where Were You Last Week?
Why Are We Waiting?
Why Was He Born so Beautiful?
Why was She Born a Bitch?
Yankee Doodle
You are Our ______
Zicky-Zacky (expanded version)
Zulu Warrior
A,B,C,D,E,F,G
Melody - Alphabet Song
By Fuk Stik & Flying Booger
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
Won't you sing a song with me?
Grab a beer and raise your cup,
Lose that hat cuz it's bad luck,
And when we say to drink it down,
Finish that beer and make a crown.
H, I, J, K, L-M-N-O-P.
Better get ready 'cause the beer's flowin' free.
Fill your vessel to the brim,
Don't you wish you had some quim,
Raise your beer mug to your lips,
Get ready to take some dainty sips.
Q, R, S and T-U-V, W and X-Y-Z,
Now you're ready to make whoopee,
Just remember this or you are dead,
Never never ever say head (oh, shit)
Head? Who said head? I'll take some of that, etc . . .
AIR FORCE SONG
Melody - Off We Go, Into the Wild Blue Yonder
Contributed by Chimp Pimp, Osan Bulgogi HHH
Off we go,
Into the wild blue yonder.
Crash and burn,
Son of a bitch!
AMAZING BEER
Melody Amazing Grace
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
A - maz - ing beer,
A taste profound,
A whole keg just for thee!
The pack is lost,
But home you've found,
The beer check you can see
AN DEM BIER
Melody Ode to Joy
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
How much beer has he been drinking?
He is looking really lit.
As we sing here aren't we thinking,
"Do we really give a shit?"
Who's this wanker, so unseemly,
That his mom would surely frown?
Grab that beer and hold it firmly,
Drink it, drink it, down down down!
ARMY SONG
Melody - Be All That You Can Be
Contributed by Chimp Pimp, Osan Bulgogi HHH
Be, all that you can be.
Get a big fat wife,
And a fucked up life,
In the R-ME
(hoohah!)
R-Me! R-Me! R-me! R-me! R-me! (running in place)
R-Me training sir!
How do you spell R-Me?
R! Me! (point at self)
AUNT I HIGH
Melody High Hopes
Contributed by Cannibis Licked Her, California Larrikins HHH
Just what makes my little old aunt?
Think she can smoke that cannabis plant.
Everyone knows an aunt, can't, smoke a cannabis plant
But she has High Hopes
Yes she getting High - folks
So close your eyes before - my Aunt
Drops Her Pants.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
AUTOHASH SONG
Melody - Dear Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes-Benz (Janis Joplin)
By Flying Booger
(used to honor autohashers)
(International version)
Dear Lord, won't you give me a ride to the beer,
My friends are all drinking, and I'm stuck out here,
I'll ride in a lorry, rickshaw, or tuk tuk,
If you drive me there I'll throw in a down, down, down, down . . .
(USA version)
Dear Lord, won't you give me a ride to the beer,
My friends are all drinking, and I'm stuck out here,
I'll ride in a Chevy, a Ford or a truck,
If you drive me there I'll throw in a down, down, down, down . . .
BATTLE HYMN OF THE HASHER
Melody Battle Hymn of the Republic
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
His eyes have seen the horror of the steepness of the trail,
His ears have heard the whining of the whinging Hashers' tale,
His lips have felt the passing of this nation's finest ale,
This Hasher's done it all!
CHORUS:
Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager!
Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager!
Glory, Glory, Ale and Lager!
Now drink it down, down, down!
(for wearers of new shoes)
His feet will feel the dampness of the clean footware he's worn
His soul will sense the shame and wish that he had not been born
All of him will suffer pain like shiggy's sharpest thorn
This Hasher's worn new shoes!
THE BEERY BUNCH
Melody - Brady Bunch Theme
By Koresh, Las Vegas HHH
Here's the story,
Of a thirsty hasher,
Who was running at the back of a pack.
Every bad trail that there was,
Well he found it.
He must have ran for miles!
It's the story,
Of some sacred nectar,
That was chilling with a mind of it's own.
It was one beer,
Sitting in the cooler,
Yet it still had no foam.
'Till the circle,
When the hasher met the nectar.
And he knewwww it just couldn't stick around.
That's when his shorts went down around his ankles
And the beer became a down down down down down!
A down down down!
A down down down!
That's the waaaaayyyyyyy it became a down down down!
BIRTHDAY SONGS
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 1
Melody - Happy Birthday to You
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, fuck you,
Happy birthday, you asshole,
Happy birthday, fuck you.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 2
Melody - Happy Birthday to You
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like a hasher,
And you smell like one too.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 3
Melody Happy Birthday to You
Contributed by Mudrock, Las Vegas HHH
May you live one hundred years
May you drink one million beers
Get plastered you bastard
Happy Birthday to you.
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 4
Melody - Here's to _____, He's a Blue
Composed by Flying Booger for Scratch 'n' Sniff's 30th
Here's to (name), she's true blue,
It's her birthday, boo hoo hoo,
She is (age) if she's a day,
Wishes she were younger,
But there's no way!
Drink it down, down, down . . .
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 5
Melody - Oliver!
Composed by Bach 'n' Forth, Palm Beach HHH, in honor of Shortcake's 50th;
included here on the off-chance it can be adapted for other hashers' birthdays
You're 50 years old, Shortcakes.
You've finally reached half of a century.
We hope you've got what it takes . . . to stay . . . a-live till you're 51!
Maybe it's time to take some respite from these trashing days; the end of
your hashing days is near . . .
Let's hope the Chester the Molester doesn't kill you first with that home-brew
shit he calls beer!
You're 50 years old, Shortcakes.
Here's wishing you lots of luck . . .
And hoping that the future holds in store for you . . . 50 more years to fuck!
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 6
Melody - The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You
Contributed by Zippy
Your day of birth is now upon you,
You're older by one day,
Your day of birth is now upon you,
And now you're gonna pay,
The Hash is gonna lay it on you,
You dirty bastard (bitchin') hound,
Your day of birth is now upon you,
Drink it down, down down down down
______
BIRTHDAY SONG # 7
Melody - Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-Te-Aay
Contributed by Nose Candy
This is your birthday song,
It isn't very long . . .
Drink it down, down, down . . .
BLESSING OF "G"
Optional prayer offered by the religious advisor before the hash, from Shuttle
Cock of the Houston HHH . . . should be performed in the style of a
Catholic/Episcopal dismissal
RA: The buzz which passes all understanding,
Keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of hashing,
And the Blessing of "G" all plastered:
The Flour (make first slash of "X" in the air)
The Sun (complete the "X" in the air)
And the Short Cut that pays off (make circle around "X" in the air)
Be among you and remain with you always.
Go Forth to Love and Serve the Hash.
Pack: Thanks be to "G!"
BLESSING OF THE HARES
Optional prayer offered by the religious advisor before the hash, with local
embellishments. This version is from the Tampa HHH
Bless these hares,
Bless this trail,
Coppus no catch us,
Farmer no shoot us,
Doggus no bite us,
Heatus no stroke us,
Plenty of cold beer to drink,
Coitus non interruptus.
DIXIE
Melody - Dixie
By Chimp Pimp, Osan Bulgogi HHH
I wish I was in Dixie,
Hooray! Hooray!
'Cause she's fuckin' hot!
DOES A HASHER?
Melody - Do Your Balls Hang Low?
Does a hasher like to walk,
Does a hasher like to run,
Does a hasher like to be where they're having all the fun?
Can he drink a 12-ounce beer,
While his friends all sing and cheer,
Now your time has come.
So drink it down, down, down . . .
DOWN DOWN DOWN YOUR BEER
Melody Row Row Row Your Boat
Composed by Arabian Goggler
Down Down Down your beer,
To pay for your crime.
Quit complaining about the taste,
There's no sperm this time.
DOWN DOWN DITTY
Composed by Cockshot, Corpus Christi HHH
Put it to your lips
Give the Mug a tip
Don't just take a sip
Drink it down, down ,down . . .
DUMB SHIT
Melody - Refrain from Music Man
By Black Flag, Aloha HHH, Hawaii (good song for violators)
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb shit, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb shit,
Dumb, dumb, dumb . . .
FAREWELL SONG
Melody - Auld Lang Syne
Composed by Flying Booger in December 1994, on the departure of Down, Under, and
family, included here because it's simple and can easily be changed to fit the
names of your own departing hashers
Here's to Down and Under,
And Slinky, and Blue Hawaii,
Who leave us for Australia,
We'll miss you very much.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
FT. EUSTIS DOWN-DOWN SONGS
Melody - ???
From the Ft. Eustis HHH Songbook
TO VIOLATORS:
All: You worthless, sniveling piece of trash,
Now you've gone and shown your ass!
GM: Your behavior's unfit!
You must learn hash tradition!
All: So charge your vessel and assume the position:
On your knees, asshole!
Drink it down, down, down . . .
TO THE SLOW DRINKER:
All this time that you're taking,
I know that you're faking,
We could be masturbating,
I fear.
Now we've run out of song,
And we won't get along,
Until you finish,
That fucking beer!
HARE TOAST
By Guamarhea Balls, Corpus Christi Bay Area Larrikins HHH
Here's to the Hounds with their ten-minute clock,
Here's to the Hasher with the twelve-inch cock.
Here's to the Hash House with honor and grace,
Here's to the Harriette with her puss on my face.
Here's to the Trail as shitty as can be,
Here's to the Hares whose asses you'll see!
HASH BENEDICTION
By P'Tooey, Calgary HHH
Gispert guide us on this hash,
As along the trail we dash,
Guide our feet on ice and snow,
As to the drinkstop we will go,
Let the moon so brightly shine,
Leading us to beer so fine.
HASH HOUSE HARRIERS
Melody - Addams Family Theme
Their drinking is compulsive and
Their running is convulsive,
They're morally repulsive,
The Hash House Harriers.
CHORUS:
Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da, da da da da, da da da da
Their flatulence is rude and
Their genitals protrude when
They're running in the nude in
The Hash House Harriers.
They're always shiggy tracking
From constantly bush-whacking,
Intelligence they're lacking,
The Hash House Harriers.
Da da da da, Down Down, etc . . .
HASHER'S PRAYER
From the Global Trash Hash Bible, by Stray Dog
God bless Gispert, hallowed be his name. His hash be laid on earth as it is
in Heaven. Give us this day our daily Beer. And forgive us our Ah-Shits, as we
also forgive those who pissed us off. And lead us not unto temptation to
Short-Cut; but deliver us to the On-In. For the beer is cold, and the Pack is
thirsty for ever and ever, Amen.
HASH PLEDGE OF ALLIEGANCE
By SS Minnow, Buffalo HHH
I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the (insert your hash here) hash house
harriers.
And to the debauchery, for which it stands, one hash, without rules,
incorrigible, with shiggy, and beer, for all.
HASH RULES
From the Adelaide HHH, South Australia, contributed by Jon Raeburn
1. No poofters.
2. There is no rule 2.
3. See rule 1. No poofters.
4. No stealing (see hereunder - definition of stealing):
Stealing - the covert removal of another Hashman's property with the intention
of depriving said Hashman of such property for an indefinite period of time.
5. No stealing, but borrowing is okay (see hereunder the definition of
borrowing):
Borrowing is the act of covert temporary removal of another Hashman's
property
(property in this instance is confined to items of a portable nature and
directly related to hashing such as mugs, bugles and run books). Substantial
items such as kegs whilst being directly related to hashing should never be
borrowed. At all times the property borrowed is held for a relatively short
period of time and always returned in good order. Often such property is
enhanced by suitable engraving to record for posterity the guile of the
borrower. Borrowing is a complex issue and where any doubt exists the Grand
Master should be consulted.
6. No poofters.
7. Rain is not permitted during Hash runs. The Religious Advisor is
personally responsible for ensuring that fine conditions prevail for a period of
not less than one hour each Monday from
6.00 pm.
8. No poofters.
9. No discrimination. Wogs, abos, poms, unemployed, dogs, women, criminals,
disabled, nymphomaniacs, Collingwood supporters and even lawyers are all
encouraged to run Hash. Alcoholics are particularly welcome. Athletes are
tolerated in some Hashes. Athletes, dogs and females whilst permitted to run can
never aspire to become Grand Master.
10. Definitely no poofters.
11. No competitiveness.
12. Under no circumstances are poofters permitted to run Hash.
13. No training. Persons caught training will be deemed to have breached Rule
# 11 and will be liable to a charge. A range of activities may be interpreted as
training, and for guidance the following non-exhaustive list is provided:
a) Running other than official Hash runs
b) Cycling (fornication on a push bike is exempt)
c) Visiting a gymnasium for any other purpose than perving on the aerobics class
d) Using the stairs while escalators are available
e) Rooting the wife/girlfriend when so pissed it is a marathon effort
14. All Hashmen must commit to memory rules 1, 2 and 3 and be able to recite
them at any hour of the day or night regardless of their state of inebriation.
15. Poofterism will not be fucking tolerated under any conditions.
16. No fighting at Hash. This rule is absolute and the entire culture of Hash
relies on strict adherence to this rule. If a fellow Hashman causes you immense
displeasure by stealing your car or impregnating your daughter (wives are
exempt) then belt shit out of him at some other place than Hash and on some
other day than Monday which is a day of reverence and tranquillity.
17. Poofters will be shot on sight. No poofters.
18. Other rules may be enacted by the committee as they see fit.
19. Amendments to Rules 1, 3, 6, 8, 10, 12, 15 and 17 are illegal.
Note: Bestiality is not covered in these Rules due to the proliferation of
New Zealand Hashes. Whilst ovine relationships are discouraged in Australia,
subject to certain rules it will be tolerated:
a) The fucker must be of NZ birth or citizenship
b) The fuckee must be a ewe (no poofters!)
c) The fuckee must be a consenting adult
d) The fuckee must be reasonably attractive
As this item is not incorporated in Hash rules, all behaviour covered by the
above note is subject to determination by the Grand Master.
HASHIN' BREW
Melody - That Good Old Mountain Dew
By Seldom Comes
They call it that good ole' hashin' brew, brew, brew,
And them that refuse it are few,
You'll hush up yur mug,
When you down-down yur jug,
Of that good ole' hashin' brew.
Chug it down, down, down . . .
HEINEKEN, SCHMEINEKEN
Chant
Heineken, schmeineken,
Fuck that shit!
Pabst . . . Blue . . . Ribbon!
HER LEFT TIT
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
Her left tit hangs down to her belly,
Her right tit hangs down to her knee.
If her left tit did equal her right tit,
She'd get lots of weenie from me.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
HERE'S TO ________ (BASIC DOWN-DOWN SONG)
Melody - Itself
______
VERSION # 1
Here's to ,
He's true blue, (he's a blue)
He's a Hasher,
Through and through,
He's a pisspot, (he's an asshole)
So they say,
Tried to go to heaven, (he'll never get to heaven)
But he went the other way, (in a long, long way)
So drink it down, down, down . . .
______
VERSION # 2
Here's to ,
She's a damn fine gal,
Here's to ,
She's a damn fine gal,
So drink, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug,
Here's to ,
She's a horse's ass.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, etc . . .
Melody - Ach, Du Lieber Augustin
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Here's to brother (sister) hasher,
Bother hasher, brother hasher,
Here's to brother hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.
He's happy, he's jolly,
He's fucked up by golly,
Here's to brother hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.
So drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker,
Here's to brother hasher,
May he chug-a-lug.
Variation:
Here's to Brother Johnny, brother Johnny, brother Johnny,
Here's to brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
He beats it, he eats it, he often mistreats it,
Here's to Brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
Another Variation (by S&M&M&M&M Man, Cleveland HHH):
Here's to the studs, the studs, the studs,
Here's to the studs who are with us tonight.
They eat it, they beat it, they really mistreat it.
Here's to the studs who are with us tonight.
So down chug-a-luga, down chug-a-lug-a . . .
______
Another Variation:
Here's to the studs, the studs, the studs.
Here's to the studs who are with us tonight.
They're faggots, they're maggots,
When they suck it, they gag it.
Here's to the studs, who are with us tonight.
So down chug-a-lug-a, down chug-a-lug-a . . .
HE'S A BORN AGAIN PISSTANK
Melody - Unknown
Contributed by Mike "SmallBone" Featherston
He's a Born again pisstank cause he's seen the light
Of the big neon sing that spells pub.
His prayers have been answered
His cup runneth over
As if he had heard from above.
It'll seem like an angel will piss on his tonsils
Or that horny young barmaid herself
His life's been made different
He's a born again pisstank
And the rest can all go to Hell!
Drink it down down down down. . . .
HE'S A HASHER, HE'S OKAY
Melody - Lumberjack Song (Monty Python)
He's a hasher, he's okay,
Works all day, comes out to play,
Drinks it down without complaint,
Or he wears it well.
Drink it!
Wear it!
Drink it!
Wear it!
etc . . .
HE'S THE MEANEST
Melody - Itself (similar to Okinawa HHH melody)
He's the meanest,
He sucks the horse's penis,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
All he does is pound it,
Ever since he found it,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
He's always pissing on us,
He's rotten and dishonest,
He's the meanest,
He's a horse's ass.
So drink it down, down, down . . .
Variation:
She's superior,
She's got class,
She's superior,
She's a horse's ass.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
Another Variation:
Hurrah for (name),
Hurrah at last,
Hurrah for (name),
He's the horse's arse.
Don't be mistaken,
Don't be mislead,
He's not the horse's arse,
He's the horse's head.
HE WANKS HIS CRANK
Melody - Itself
By Mud Fucker, Bay City HHH
He wanks his crank in the morning
He wanks his crank in the night
He wanks his crank with his left hand
and he cleans it up with his right.
So drink it down, down, down . . .
HILLARY, MARY
Melody Itself
Composed by Guamarhea Balls' Dad, Corpus Christi Bay Area Larrikins HHH
One, two, three, Hillary,
My first name is Mary,
Don't you think I'd look cute
In my Daddy's bathing suit?
HIS ONE-SKIN
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
His one skin hangs down to his two skin,
His two skin hangs down to his three,
His three skin hangs down to his foreskin,
His foreskin hangs down to his knee.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
OPTIONAL VERSES:
Roll back, roll back,
Roll back his foreskin for him, for him.
Roll back, roll back,
Please roll back his foreskin for him.
His body lies over the ocean,
His body lies over the sea,
His father lies over his mother,
And that's how they created him.
ICE THE BITCH
Melody - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
By Long & Hard, inspired by Zippy, dedicated to She Mussel Bitch
Ice the bitch, She Mussel Bitch,
Numb, the price you have to pay,
Sit, right there and down that beer,
Yes, you pissed off the R.A.
Damn, your ass is getting red,
And, your lips are turning blue,
Place, that mug above your head,
And prove you downed that brew.
GENERIC HARRIETTE VERSION:
Ice the bitch, yes ice the bitch . . .
(same as above)
GENERIC HARRIER VERSION:
Ice the wank, yes ice the wank . . .
(same as above)
INTERNATIONAL HASH HYMN
Melody - Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Note: gestures accompany words
I looked over Jordan and what did I see,
Coming for to carry me home,
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.
CHORUS:
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.
I'm sometimes up and sometimes down,
Comin' for to carry me home,
But still my soul feels heavenly bound.
Comin' for to carry me home.
If you get there before I do,
Coming for to carry me home,
Tell all my friends that I'm coming too,
Coming for to carry me home.
(repeat with variations: humming and motions only, silence and motions only,
double-time)
IT'S A SMALL DICK
Melody - It's a Small World
Contributed by Hazukashii
Well it isn't long and it isn't thick,
It gets hard too slow and it cums too quick,
It gets lost in her twat,
But it's all that he's got,
It's a small, small, dick.
It's a small dick after all,
It's a small dick after all,
Always limp from alcohol,
It's a small, small, dick!
LOVE ME TENDER
Melody - Love Me Tender
By Nipple Me Elmo
Love me tender, love me sweet
Wrap your lips around my meat
Watch me smile and watch me grin
As the cum rolls down, down, down, down, down etc . . .
MASTURBATION
Melody - Alouette
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
(Song to a male)
Masturbation, he loves masturbation
Masturbation, it's what he loves to do
First he'll use his right hand
Then he'll use his left hand
Right hand
Left hand
Right hand
Left hand
Masturbation, it's what he'd rather do.
So drink it down down down down . . .
(Song to a female)
Masturbation, we love masturbation
Masturbation, it's what we love to do
First we'll use our right hand
Then we'll use our left hand
Right hand
Left hand
Right hand
Left hand
Masturbation, while thinking about you.
So drink it down down down down . . .
MEET THE HASHERS
Melody - Flintstones Theme
Hashers, meet the hashers,
They're the biggest drunks in history,
From Las Vegas, N-V (or your favorite town),
They're the leaders in debauchery.
Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years,
Watch them as they down a lot of beers,
Down down, down down down down,
Down down down down down down down down down,
Down down, down down down down,
Down down down down down down down down down.
MISTER BLUE BALLS
Melody - Zip-a-dee-do-dah
By Yank My Wad, Charleston HHH (a good song for calling the hares to the ice)
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
My oh my, what a miserable lay.
Haring is great but, beerings the best,
Time for your down-down, put the ice on the chest.
Slap your ass cheeks 'round that ice hole, it's a fact, it's irrefutable,
it's cold right on your pubicals.
Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Down-downs are better than your miserable lay.
Mr. Blue Balls formed an icicle
He's all cold and furry too, better find something to screw
Oh zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day,
Hope you like ice, 'cause that's where you'll stay.
NAMING CEREMONY
Contributed by Stray Dog
RA: Prostrate yourself before your fellow hashers.
(Hasher kneels or lies prostrate on the ground in accordance with local custom,
with assistance from mismanagement as necessary)
RA: Before you are initiated into the fold and bestowed the holy Hash Name, what
have you to say for yourself.
Hasher: I'm not worthy.
RA: (reads verses)
1. In the beginning was the Hash, and the Hash was with Beer and the Hash was
Beer.
2. The same was in the beginning with Gispert.
3. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Hash, that all men
through him might believe.
4. And when he was baptized, went straight up and received the Down-Down.
5. And lo a voice from heaven, saying, this is my beloved hasher in whom I am
well pleased.
6. Not by the works of righteousness we have done, but according to the mercy of
the Pack are you saved, by washing of regeneration, and renewing of the holy
Thirst.
7. Therefore if any person be in the Hash, he is a new creature: old things are
passed away; behold, all things become new.
8. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed as a competitor, but
alive as a member of the Pack, to boldly go forth on the trail and pursue the
Holy Hash Beer.
(RA grasps the bag of hash and sprinkles it on the Hasher)
RA: I baptize you in the name of Gispert and all other great hashers who came
before you.
(RA sprinkles beer on the Hasher)
RA: Your friends have gotten together and chosen your name and you will
hereafter be known as ____________.
(As local tradition dictates, the rest of the pack may be issued flour and beer
to further 'baptize' the hasher)
RA: Rise and cleanse thy soul.
(The hasher is handed a beer and does a down-down in accordance with the
traditions of the hash)
NO BLOW SONG
Melody - Looney Tunes Theme
Composed by Flying Booger
Used for honoring hashers who have forgotten their whistles
You seem somewhat forgetful,
Remind you? Maybe this'll,
Next time you come, don't be so dumb,
Just bring your fucking whistle!
OH, HASHSHIT BOY
Melody - Danny Boy
By Pillsbury Blow Boy, Long Beach HHH
Oh, Hashshit Boy, the trail, the trail is calling,
From check to check, you'll stumble through with pride.
The beer's all gone, but harriettes are bawling,
"Fuck me, fuck me, oh, fuck me deep inside.
And come on me, if you won't come inside me.
Just stick it in and we will go to town.
And if I cum, then I will do my specialty,
Oh, Hashshit Boy, oh Hashshit, I will go
down-down-down . . ."
OUR LAGER
Prayer
Our Lager
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the Beer, The Bitter, and the Lager,
Barmen.
PARK IT ON THE ICE
Melody I've Been Working on the Railroad (?)
Composed by Barney and Tartle, Classic City HHH
Park it on the ice,
Park it on the ice,
Park it on the ice - you know how to!
Park it on the ice,
Park it on the ice,
Till your genitals turn blue.
Someone's parkin' them butt cheeks,
Someone's ass is blue.
Someone's gonna do a down-do---------wn!
It just might be you!
PISS OFF, YA WANK
Melody - Auld Lang Syne
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank,
Piss off, ya wank, piss off.
RETURNER'S SONG
Melody - It's a Small World After All
By Pillsbury Blow Boy, Long Beach HHH
They've returned to us, some from far away,
Some fucking excuse, each of them did say,
As we listen to it,
We know they're full of shit,
They are assholes, after all.
They are assholes, after all,
They are assholes, after all,
They are assholes, after all,
Fuck you all, assholes.
Drink it down, down, down, down . . . etc.
SALUTATIONS
Melody - ???
We call upon __________
To give us a song.
So sing, you fucker, sing!
And if you don't sing
You can show us your schwing.
We don't want to see your moldy old schwing!
So sing, you fucker, SING!
SHIGGY SOGGY
Melody - Zicky Zacky
By Greatful Head and Purple Helmet, Bay City HHH
Shiggy Soggy,
Shiggy Soggy,
ON-ON-ON!
Shiggy Soggy,
Shiggy Soggy,
ON-ON-ON!
Drink it down, down, down . . .
SHORT BLESSING
Melody Superman Theme
Composed by Hunka Hunka Burnin' Shit, Las Vegas HHH
Thank you Lord, for giving us beer
Thank you Lord, for giving us beer,
Lagers and ale,
Hares to lay trail,
Thank you Lord
For giving us beer!
SHORT HYMN
Melody - Amen
(with reverence)
Hymn, hymn, (Her, her,)
Fuck him . . . (Fuck her . . .)
SHORTCUTTER'S SONG
Melody - Suicide is Painless (from the movie M.A.S.H.)
By Gopher
Through a hungover fog I see,
Visions of a hash to be.
The on-in site comes clear to me,
I'll run straight there whit childish glee.
'cause
Shortcutters are shameless
The on-in site they hope they'll guess
but they come in dead last usually
I ran through a BT today
To catch the hares I hoped and prayed.
The bastards went the other way
and I came in last, what's left to say
But
Shortcutters are shameless,
The on-in site we hope we'll guess
but we come in dead last usually
Now all these beers have slowed me down,
and made my belly full and round
shortcutting's the path I've found
so sing a song and I'll drink it down!
'cause
Shortcutters are shameless
The on-in site I hoped I'd guess
but I came in dead last as you see
and you can short cut with me if you please
SING, SING A SONG
Melody - Same (the Carpenters)
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Sing, sing a song,
Sing out bawdy,
Sing out strong,
Sing of good trails not bad,
Sing of happy not sad.
Sing, sing a song,
Make it simple to last,
The whole hash long,
Don't worry that it's not,
Clean enough for little ones'
Ears to hear,
Just sing, sing a song.
Sing, sing a song,
Let the circle sing along,
Sing of sex there could be,
Sing for you and for me.
Sing, sing a song,
Make it simple to last,
The whole hash long,
Don't worry that it's not,
Clean enough for little ones'
Ears to hear,
Just sing, sing a song.
So drink it down down down, etc.
SING A SONG OF SIX CHECKS
Melody Sing a Song of Six Pence
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
Sing a song of six checks,
A pocket full of flour,
Four-and-twenty hashers,
Hashing for an hour.
And when they found the beer check,
There wasn't any there.
All agreed to go On-In
And lynch that goddamn hare!
SOLDIER SONG
Melody - Itself
Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee,
For cunt, for cunt, to fight for my country,
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,
A soldier I will be.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
SOUND OF HASHERS
Melody - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
Give (name) a beer, a really big beer,
We will watch him drink it down.
Girls, you know if he drinks it all,
He will never get it up.
Oh, the stories sad to tell,
It picked up and then it fell.
You would die if you could see,
(name), slap his tiny wee-wee.
THANK GOD SHE FINALLY SHUT UP
Melody - Looney Tunes Theme
Contributed by the Agana HHH (Guam), an excellent down-down song for harriettes
Thank God she finally shut up,
She's always fuckin' bitchin',
Now drink your beer, get out of here,
Get back into the kitchen!
THE HASHER PUKES TONIGHT (SHORT VERSION)
Melody The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
Short version (suitable for down-downs):
In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight.
In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight.
CHORUS:
Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, drink it down down down!
Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, drink it down down down!
THERE WAS A LITTLE BIRD
Melody - Itself
There was a little bird,
No bigger than a turd,
A-sittin' on a telephone pole.
He ruffled up his neck,
And shit about a peck,
He puckered up his little asshole.
(point at violators): Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole,
He puckered up his little asshole.
THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
They ought to be publicly pissed on,
They ought to be publicly shot,
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot,
Drink it down, down, down . . .
THIS HASHER'S BEEN WANKING OFF AGAIN
Melody When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
This Hasher's been whacking off again, hurrah, hurrah!
This Hasher's been whacking off again, hurrah, hurrah!
This Hasher's been whacking off again,
So give him a drink or he'll start it again,
And we'll keep him busy,
Drinking it down, down, down!
THIS IS YOUR DOWN-DOWN SONG
Melody - Ta-Rah-Rah-Boom Te-Ay
Contributed by Nose Candy, Las Vegas HHH
This is your Down-Down song,
It isn't very long. . . .
THE TIRED HASHER
Melody Itsy Bitsy Spider
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
The tired (name hash) Hasher,
Went trudging up the hill,
Stopped at the Beer Check,
And there he drank his fill,
And when the trail was over,
His shoes were muddy brown.
Though he was drunk already,
He had to drink it down, down, down, down . . .
VIAGRA
Melody - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
Contributed by Slimie Limie, Kobe HHH, Japan
Give ______ some pills, the famous 'V',
We will watch him eat 'em down.
Boys, you know if he takes them all,
Tonight he'll never get to sleep.
Oh, the story fun to tell,
How, it rose and never fell.
Girls, you'd laugh if you could see,
______ beat his rock-hard wee-wee wee wee wee wee wee.
Drink it down down down down.
VIRGIN SERENADE
Melody - Ball of Ballyknure
Composed by Dr D, Ft Eustis HHH
Four and twenty (or however many there are) virgins,
Came out to this old hash,
And when the hash was over,
There were four and twenty less.
CHORUS:
Singing, balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall.
If ye canna get laid at this old hash
Ye'll never get laid at all.
OPTIONAL VERSES:
This fine young virgin SHE was there,
She had drank a bit too much,
Showing us her titties,
But sayin' we couldna touch.
This cocky virgin HE was there,
Drinking Old Milwaukee's Best,
Showing the girls his tiny dick,
The girls they weren't impressed.
This other virgin SHE was there,
Talkin' 'bout givin' head,
But when it came to swallowin',
She would spit instead.
This other virgin HE was there,
Askin' 'bout toe sucks,
The harriettes frowned and then they said,
"What do you want for three bucks?"
The other virgin SHE was there,
Givin' us all a great view,
While dancing on the table,
She said she'd do the crew.
This other virgin HE was there,
Getting drunk as he could be,
And by the time the circle broke up,
He'd pissed a gallon of pee.
This fine young virgin SHE was there,
With legs all firm and tan,
Her shorts rode up her ass so tight,
They squeaked whenever she ran.
VISITOR'S SONG
Melody - Underdog Theme
By Hazukashii, Samurai HHH
SONGMASTER:
There's no need to fear!
PACK:
We've got lots of beer!
When visitors in this hash appear,
And pay five bucks to drink our beer,
And offend all those who see or hear,
The cry goes out both far and near to,
DRINK IT DOWN
Drink it down
DRINK IT DOWN
Drink it down,
Speed of lightening, roar of thunder,
Chug it down, or show us Chunder,
Drink it down. . . . .
OPTIONAL SECOND VERSE:
When in this world the Hash Trash reads,
Of those who think they've come to breed,
And steal hash things from those who need,
The call goes out with blinding speed to,
DRINK IT DOWN,
Drink it down,
DRINK IT DOWN,
Drink it down,
Speed of lightening, roar of thunder,
Chug it down, or show us Chunder,
Drink it down. . . . .
WAR HARES
Melody War Pigs (Black Sabbath)
Composed by Oral Roberts
He runs slower than molasses
Cause he's scoping young boys' asses
Master of inebriation
And delayed ejaculation
All those oozing sores are burning
From the tricks that he's been turning
With the ladies he has no luck
Cause he's always too drunk to fuck,
Down-down-down!
WEDDING CEREMONIES
______
WEDDING CEREMONY # 1
Contributed by Stray Dog, Global Trash
1. Dearly intoxicated, we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to
join this hasher and this harriette in holy mattress monkey.
2. Attesting to their dreary and lonely lives, they have now resolved to end
each future hash by going home and getting lucky every time without need for
self-gratification or technology.
3. We come to celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joy
of sex outside masturbation.
4. (insert hasher's name), do you take this harriette for better or for
worse, on the rag and in health, on bad hair days and good, to have and to hash
with until death do you part?
(Hasher answers) "I do"
5. (insert harriette's name), do you take this hasher for better or for
worse, in vomit and in shiggy, with his farts and his smell, to have and to hash
with until death do you part?
(Harriette answers) "I do"
6. Please raise your beers and repeat after me. With this beer, I thee wed.
(Both) "With this beer, I thee wed."
(RA leads pack in a down-down song of his choosing or local tradition and the
bride and groom drink at the appropriate time, after which . . .)
7. I now pronounce you hasher and harriette, doomed to spend the rest of your
lives running the hash together. May you go forth and multiply, bearing many new
little horrors to fill our trails.
8. You may now moon the pack.
(The pack showers them with spewed beer and hash as local tradition
dictates.)
______
WEDDING CEREMONY # 2
Contributed by Cold Cuts & Slave to the Mattress, Ft Eustis HHH
Dearly incarcerated, we are gathered here today to celebrate the bondage
between Slave to the Mattress and Cold Cuts. This day signifies the end of the
ability to come and go as you please, of freely ogling members of the opposite
sex, of innocently flirting without repercussion, and of making that monumental
decision, "Should I go to the hash?" without first wondering what your cellmate,
I mean soul mate, already has planned.
Is there anyone present knowing of any reason why we should not consider
Slave and Cold Cuts permanently sentenced to life in holly mattress moaning?
Cold Cuts, do you take Slave to the Mattress to be your hashing partner until
the beer runs out?
And Slave, do you take Cold Cuts, to be your sole provider of vaginal
stimulation until impotence sets in?
Cold Cuts, repeat after me: I, Cold Cuts, promise to be sexually satisfying,
to be submissive or dominant at Slave's request, and to give adequate
notification before farting in the bed.
Slave, repeat after me: I, Slave to the Mattress, promise to tell Cold Cuts
to go to hell when he asks me to obey , to be understanding of his addiction
with the hash, and to learn that velvet tongue technique as soon as possible.
May I have the handcuffs? These handcuffs are a symbol of Cold Cut's and
Slave's sentence to life. A life of never ending trails of shiggy and whining
hashers and twisted ankles and explaining to civilians what hashing is and
separating hash socks from white socks and most importantly, beer and
down-downs.
Please handcuff the couple.
A note for the fools! (song) Drink it down, down, down, etc . . .
By the power invested to me by the State of Drunkenness, I now mispronounce
you harrier and harriette. You may tongue the bitch. Mazeltof!
______
WEDDING CEREMONY # 3
Contributed by Spinal Tap, White House HHHH
Dearly Besotted,
We've cum here (cum, who said cum, I'll have some of that) today to do a
whole lot of drinking, partying, and making asses of ourselves. As part of the
last activity, two of our favorite people have asked to be joined in unholy
mattress monkey in front of their friends and co-degenerates. As one of the
senior members of the DC area Hashing community (not counting DCH3, of course),
I have willingly volunteered to make this ceremony as meaningless as possible.
I am being disably assisted today by my chorus of "AMEN" sayers. Please feel
free to join in at the appropriate (or inappropriate, for that matter) times.
AMEN!! (The chorus consisted of 8 people in choir robes, which I had purchased
at a local thrift shop for about $2 each, just in case we might need them
sometime)
(I read the new 'prayer' here..."Our beer, which art in barrels, etc")
As we come into this world unclothed, and without sin or shame, it is my firm
belief that every important occasion in life should be celebrated in the same
fashion. Let's face it...all of us have had very important occasions in life
where clothing was totally irrelevant and unwanted. AMEN!! Therefore, will the
happy couple please come forward and remove all your clothing? (You don't really
have to, but I thought I'd give it a try). (Actually, the groom started to, but
we stopped him before it got ugly)
(remove ice bag from cooler, place on top.)
Please be seated. AMEN!!
Please state your names and who made you cum. OOPS - that's for virgins, so
you definitely don't have to do that. AMEN!!
The lucky [groom]. AMEN!! The not-quite-so-lucky AMEN!! Harriette is
[bride].. AMEN!!
As I understand it, [bride] found [groom] lying in a muddy gutter after a
normal Hash run and took pity on him. Unfortunately there was a water shortage
at the time, so in order to clean off the mud she performed a 'golden shower' on
his filthy body. He knew then that this was the woman for him AMEN!! After all,
a woman whose piss tastes like Milwaukee's Best Light doesn't cum along every
day AMEN!!
Although they realize that this joining together means the end of freely
groping members of the opposite sex (ogling and leering are still OK), they have
resolved to end each future Hash by going home together and getting lucky.
AMEN!! AMEN!!
At this time I would like to quote from a book dealing with the pure love a
man and woman can have for each other. Insert a reading from some book or other
here (something you find in a little storefront shop, with painted over
windows). Finish with AMEN!! AMEN!!
[groom] do you take [bride]. to be your wedded bimbo, for better or worse, on
the rag or available, on bad hair days and good, through shiggy and pavement, at
least until the rabbit dies? (Pause for "I do", and AMEN!!) And do you also
promise to be always sexually satisfying, whether dominant or submissive? (Pause
for "I do", and AMEN!!) And do you also promise to be understanding and
supportive of all her whims, unless they interfere with Hashing? (Pause for "I
do", and AMEN!!)
[bride]. do you take [groom] to be your wedded stud muffin, for better or
worse, whether clean or covered with shiggy, at least until he starts to need
Viagra? (Pause for "I do", and AMEN!!) And do you promise to be patient and give
him all the help he needs to achieve tumescence (that's a hard-on, for you
illiterates), even when it's frozen from sitting on the ice? (Pause for "I do",
and AMEN!!) And do you promise to aid and abet his Hashing activities, and to
provide bail money when necessary? (Pause for "I do", and AMEN!!) And do you
promise to not bring home any blue dresses with cum stains on them? (Pause for
"I do", and AMEN!!)
[groom] repeat after me. I, [groom], (groom repeats words) ... promise to
love and lust after [bride]. ...through good trails and bad...through deserts
and swamps...on or off the ice...in tents or in motel rooms...until she can't
stand me any more. AMEN!!
[bride], repeat after me. I, [bride].,...promise to treat [groom] as well as
I treat my dog...to welcome penetration at any time or in any place...to keep my
teeth smooth...to spit discreetly...and to ensure there is always beer in the
refrigerator... until someone better comes along. AMEN!!
The happy couple has requested a double ring ceremony...may I have the rings,
please (cheap plastic handcuffs)? These rings are a symbol of the union of
[groom] and [bride]. These rings are round, and remind them to do a lot of
running around in circles, particularly on trail. As these rings join their
bodies together, so does this ceremony join their souls together (not to mention
heels and ankles). AMEN!!
May we have a beer for the lucky twosome? (Sing "Why Were They Born")
By the power invested in me by the [think of something, like the name of the
appropriate Hash], I now pronounce you Hasher and Bimbo. You may tongue each
other if you so desire. AMEN!!
You may now rise. Hashers and Harriettes, please form an aisle of honor for
our happy couple. (pause...I and the AMEN chorus, get at the front of the
aisle). Long and Chiquita, please honor us by proceeding down this aisle.
Hashers and Harriettes, do as I do.
Form an honor guard of beer spewers. As they pass, spew beer (lightly) over
them.
______
WEDDING CEREMONY # 4
Contributed by Slimie Limie, Kobe HHH, Japan
Dearly intoxicated, we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to bond
this hasher and this harriette in unholy mattress moaning.
RoxxOff, do you take this harriette for better or for worse, on the rag and in
health, on bad hair days and good, to have and to hash with until the sake runs
out?
(Hasher answers) "I do"
Sweet PeeCock, do you take this hasher for better or for worse, in vomit and in
shiggy, with his farts and sake-breath, to have and to hash with until he can't
get it up any more?
(Harriette answers) "I do"
Please raise your wine coolers and repeat after me. With this whine, I thee wed.
(Both) "With this whine, I thee wed."
Let's cut the crap and jump into bed.
(Both) "Let's cut the crap and jump into bed."
By the power invested to me by the State of Drunkenness, I now mispronounce you
slave and master.
A note for the bonded! (song) Here's to the bonded,... etc. etc.
You may now moon the pack.
______
WEDDING CEREMONY # 5
Contributed by Half Pipe, Los Alamos HHH
Gulpable: Judge
STD: Handcuffer
CPA: Bubbles
Gams: to give Gulpable the robe
Music: Entrance: Stripper music
Exit: Taps
Dearly Intoxicated,
HOLD ON! HOLD ON! CPA hands shot to Gulpable.
We are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to bind this hasher and this
harriette in unholy mattress moaning.
We come to celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joy of
sex outside masturbation.
TO THE COUPLE: Please state your names and who made you made you cum.
OOPS-That's for virgins, so you definitely don't have to do that. AMEN!!
As I understand it, Smack found Zipper impaled on a parking meter with a big
grin on her face. He knew then that this was the woman for him. AMEN!!
Although they realize that this joining together means the end of freely
groping members of the opposite sex (ogling and leering are still OK), they have
resolved to end each future hash by going home together and getting lucky.
AMEN!!
Smack the Monkey, do you take Help Me With My Zipper for better or for worse,
with skinned knees or curvaceous calves, bad hair days and good, to have and to
hash with from this day forward or until at least the rabbit dies? Do you also
promise to be understanding and supportive of all her whims, unless they
interfere with hashing?
SMACK: I do.
Help Me With My Zipper, do you take Smack the Monkey for better or for worse,
in vomit and in shiggy, with monkey wings or textured Trojans, to have and to
hash with from this day forward or until at least the rabbit dies? Do you also
promise to be understanding and supportive of all his whims, unless they
interfere with hashing?
ZIPPER: I do.
May I have the handcuffs, please? These handcuffs are a symbol of Smack and
Zipper's sentence to life. A life of never ending trails, of shiggy, of whining
hashers, of twisted ankles, of explaining to non-hashers what hashing is, of
separating hash socks from white socks and most importantly of all, beer and
down-downs.
To STD: Please handcuff the couple
Smack and Zipper, please raise your beers and repeat after me. With this
beer, I thee wed.
(BOTH): With this beer, I thee wed.
By the power invested in me by the State of Drunkenness, I now pronouce you
Mr. and Mrs. Help Me With My Monkey. APPLAUSE! You may tongue each other if you
so desire. AMEN!!
CPA hands out the bubbles.
WEDDING SONG
Melody - Amazing Grace
Written by Sauer Krotch for the Orlando Hash wedding of Wild Oats and Oatmeal;
should be adaptable for others
Today we wed to (name) to (name),
We heard them say "I do."
Give it your best, for the next forty years,
But first drink down your beers.
WE'RE HERE BECAUSE . . .
Melody - Auld Lang Syne
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here,
We're here because we're here,
Because we're here,
Because we're here . . .
WE'VE GOT VIRGINS
Melody - Frere Jacques
By Mud Fucker and Greatful Head, Bay City HHH
We've got virgins,
We've got virgins,
At our hash,
At our hash,
Gonna get'em drunked up,
Gonna get'em fucked up,
Down the hatch,
Up the ass,
So drink it down, down, down . . .
WHAT A WANK
Melody - William Tell Overture
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank,wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank,
wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank wank.
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank,
What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank . . .
WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEK?
Melody - Where Oh Where Were You Last Night (from Hee Haw)
by Preparation H, Ft Eustis HHH
Where, Oh Where were you last week?
Why did you make us hash all alone?
You Fat Lazy Bastards, You weren't even here.
So we fucked all the virgins and drank all the Beer.
Down, Down, Drink it all Down
Drink it all Down, Drink all of that Beer
You Fat Lazy Bastards, You weren't even here.
So we fucked all the virgins and drank all the Beer.
Drink it down, down, down, down . . .
WHY ARE WE WAITING?
Melody - Come Let Us Adore Him
Why are we waiting,
Could be fornicating (masturbating, etc),
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long, etc . . .
WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?
Melody - Itself
Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fuckin' use to anyone,
He's no bloody use at all.
They say he's a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me,
He's fresh as a daisy,
He drives me crazy,
So drink it down, down, down . . .
WHY WAS SHE BORN A BITCH?
Melody - 1st verse: Itself
2nd verse: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
Why was she born so beautiful?
Why was she born a bitch?
She's no bloody use to anyone,
She's only got one tit.
She ought to be publicly pissed on,
She ought to be publicly shot,
She ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot.
So drink it down, down, down . . .
YANKEE DOODLE (two versions)
Melody - I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
Yankee Doodle he's a dandy,
Yankee Doodle do or die,
A real live asshole from the USA,
Piss on the Fourth of July.
Yank my doodle, it's a dandy,
Yankee Doodle zip your fly,
Yankee Doodle limped to London,
Wanking off his pony,
You are that Yankee Doodle guy.
______
Yankee doodle he's/she's a dandy,
He's/She's a hasher till he/she dies,
A real live asshole from the USA,
Pissed on my most other guys/girls.
Yank his/her doodle, it's a dandy,
Yank his/her doodle, zip his/her fly,
Yankee doodle ran the trail
Wanking off his/her doodle,
You are that yanking doodle guy/girl.
YOU ARE OUR ______
Melody - You Are My Sunshine
Contributed by Slimie Limie, Kobe HHH, Japan
You are our _______, our only ______,
You make us happy when skies are bleak.
You'll never know ______, how much we like you,
Please keep coming to Hash ev'ry week.
Drink it down, down, down . . .
ZICKY-ZACKY
The purpose of the zicky-zacky chant is to point out breaches in circle
etiquette - members of the circle surround the offender and repeat chant loudly:
Zicky-zacky, zicky-zacky,
Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!
Zicky-zacky, zicky-zacky,
Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!
Zicky-zacky, zicky-zacky,
Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!
. . . and so on until offender completes a down-down . . . alternatively, the
zicky-zacky chant can be performed whenever someone screws up a verse in a hash
song (of course, the offending singer must immediately do a down-down while the
pack chants). There are several substitutes for "zicky-zacky" if you get bored
with the basic chant, as in:
Shiggy shaggy, shiggy shaggy,
Oi, Oi, Oi!
Motorcycle, motorcycle,
Vroom, Vroom, Vroom!
Locomotive, locomotive,
Choo, Choo, Choo!
Helicopter, helicopter,
Whirl, Whirl, Whirl! (or Whop, Whop, Whop!)
Submarine, submarine,
Glug, Glug, Glug!
Motorcar, motorcar,
Beep, Beep, Beep!
Telephone, telephone,
Ring, Ring, Ring!
Penis, penis,
Cum, Cum, Cum!
ZULU WARRIOR
Melody - Itself
Hash version by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Ole, zooma zooma zooma,
Ole, zooma zooma chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief,
Drink it down you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief!
______
Ole, zooma zooma zooma,
Ole, zooma zooma chief,
Drink it down you poofta warrior,
Drink it down you poofta chief,
Drink it down you poofta warrior,
Drink it down you poofta queef, queef, queef!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HASH ANTHEMS
Agana HHH Chant
Aloha HHH Anthem
Angeles City Hashional Anthem
Austin Hash Song
Ballad of Rocket Shitty HHH
Boatie HHH Hymn
Copenhagen Full Moon Howlers Anthem
Copenhagen HHH Anthem
Corpus Christi Bay Area Larrikins HHH Anthem
Emerald Coast Hash House Harriers
Fort Eustis HHH Anthem
Founders' Blitz
God Bless the El Paso Hash
God Save the King
Gypsies Hash
Hasher's Rocky Top
Hashin' in New Orleans
Hogtown
Hong Kong Prayer
Men of the H, H, 3
Mother Hash
Mount Vernon HHH Road Song
Ode to Corpus Christi Hashers
Pikes Peak Hashers
Richmond HHH Song
Shanghai HHH Song
Sluts from Lutz
Song of the Bandar Seri Begawan Hashers
Squannacook River Runners Anthem
Story of the Boston Hashers
Subic Hashional Anthem
There is a Hash in New Orleans
There is a House in Nittany Valley
Tokyo Hash Song
Warriers Had a Meeting
We're From Dayton
Wet Spot's Wail
White House HHH Anthem
White Sands of Panama City HHH
Wiregrass HHH Down-Down Song
AGANA (GUAM) HASH HOUSE HARRIER CHANT
Contributed by Babble-On
Cocksucker, motherfucker, eat a bag of shit,
Cunt hair, douche bag, bite your mother's tit.
We're the Agana Hash, all the others suck,
Agana Hash, Agana Hash, rah, rah, fuck!
ALOHA HHH ANTHEM
Melody - Choral Stanza, Beethoven's 9th Symphony
Adapted by Flying Booger from the anthem of the Lyngby HHH, Denmark . . . a good
song to get the circle going
Come Aloha Hash House Harriers,
Get your asses in high gear,
Whiners, walkers, F-R-B-ers,
Gather 'round these mugs of beer.
Let the hashing spirit enter,
Ev'ry wanker here around,
Down-downs right and left and center
As we hashers chug 'em down.
ANGELES CITY HASHIONAL ANTHEM
Melody - Rocky Mountain High (John Denver)
Composed by Mu-Sick
She was born in a grass hut, in a field in Cebu.
Destined to a life of poverty.
But at the age of thirteen, she had a change of heart
And moved to downtown Angeles.
CHORUS:
Where the Balibago Mount Arayat High
I've seen it raining pesos in the sky.
Sit around Fields Avenue and screw the TDY.
Mt Arayat High, Balibago
Mt Arayat High, Balibago
She hopped in a jeepney with a stump-broke carabao
To a place she'd heard about about before
She's learned to pick up pesos from a bottle of San Miguel
Working overtime giving blowjobs in Astro Park.
She heard the pay was better down in Subic Bay.
Especially when the fleet was in.
So, she hopped a victory liner all the way to Olongapo
Where she learned to do the banana-cutter show
She's learned to do the circuit from Kim Hae to Taegu
Keeping Team Spirit troops alive.
She's a great tent heater, and she blows without kimche breath
All the boys along the DMZ
She married a lieutenant and got a visa to the States.
The hope and dream of all the bar girls here.
But after a winter in Minot, she froze her little twat
And caught the freedom bird back to Angeles.
AUSTIN HASH SONG
Melody - Redneck Mother
(contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4, probably composed by Austin hashers)
Start with background of "ba doom, ba doom, ba doom, boom, boom, boom . . ."
I brought a newboot out to meet the gang,
He said he needed a crowd with which to hang.
He ran like a rabbit out on the false trails,
By the time we got to the beer he was draggin' his tail.
Well it's cross the creek and up the other side,
Through some poison oak, bull nettle by my side.
Well it's off the road and off into some deep dark woods,
Running up and down hills just to get them goods.
Well you just might see a llama along the way,
Or ford a dangerous river, who's to say.
But for all us who knows, to bring some dry clothes,
Take a short cut through the creek to where the beer flows.
Well,
H, is for the hare that just laid the trail,
A, is for the soil we hash on - AUSTIN!
S, that's for Shiner,
H, is for us hounds,
E, is for everyone wearing,
R, UBBERS!
BALLAD OF ROCKET SHITTY HHH
Melody - Ballad of Davy Crockett
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Born on mounty-sano in Alabam
Craziest hash in the whole damned land
Runnin' in the woods so's we knew ev'ry tree
Went to a bar when we was only three.
Rocket, Rocket Shitty, King of the hash Frontier!
COPENHAGEN FULL MOON HOWLERS ANTHEM
Melody - Sejle Opad Aaen (traditional Danish melody)
Composed by Bogey, CFMHHHH
We are the full m00n ho-o-o-o-o-ow lers
Sly mid-night prow-lers are we,
We "m00n" the spooks,
Drink wit-ches' brew,
'Cause we're sons of bit-ches just like you,
We live by the ca-nine co-o-o-o-o-o-odex
Hear up, we'll teach it to you:
"If you can't eat
or screw it, then
Piss on it, Piss on it, once a-gain!"
For we are the full m00n ho-o-o-o-o-ow lers
HO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-WL
BOATIE HHH HYMN
Melody - The Halls of Montezuma
Contributed by Elephant Man, Katherine HHH
On the North shores of Antarctica
Where the yanks have never been
Lies the carcass of a bloody great polar bear
Shagged to death by a Hash House team
We are the perverts of society
The likes of us you've never seen
We are a pack of loud mouth bastards
We are the Boatie Hash House Team
Well we have a reputation
For molesting little boys
For abusing old age pensioners
And stealing kiddies toys
We are the perverts of society
The likes of us you've never seen
We are a pack of loud mouth bastards
We are the Boatie Hash House Team
We don't climb many mountains
And we don't cross many streams
We don't have pretty girlfriends
We just live off our wet dreams.
We are the perverts of society
The likes of us you've never seen
We are a pack of loud mouth bastards
We are the BOATIE HASH HOUSE TEAM
COPENHAGEN HHH ANTHEM
Melody - Pomp & Circumstance
Composed by Sodbuster
Come on, Viking Wankers,
Lift your beers and shout
We are Copenhashers
What we've got, we flaunt.
Close the narrow circle, gather round the beer.
Hashing, wanking drinking,
That is why we're here,
Hashing, wanking, drinking
That is why we're here.
CORPUS CHRISTI BAY AREA LARRIKINS HHH ANTHEM
Melody - Sesame Street Theme
By Guamarrhea Balls, CCBA Larrikins HHH
Windy day,
Blowin' the chad away,
On my way to where the nec-tar's sweet.
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Leopard Street?
Live or pre-lay,
Trail runs a-long the Bay.
Selena's Shrine,
That's where we'll meet!
But can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Leopard Street?
Larrikin hares will try to hide,
Harriettes' legs will open wide,
For wanking hashers like you -
For wanking hashers like you.
Shitty Trail on a,
Windy day,
Blowin' the chad away
On my way to where the nec-tar's sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Leopard Street?
How to get to Leopard Street . . .
EMERALD COAST HASH HOUSE HARRIERS
Melody - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
Composed by Flamin' Asshole, ECHHH; contributed by M.I.A.
In the panhandle of Florida, there's a group that loves to hash.
They're from the Emerald Coast, as their T-shirts boast and they can sure throw
a hell of a bash.
They got a hundred or two hash house harriers, and they like to have a lot of
fun.
They eat their red beans and rice, while drinking beer as cold as ice and they
have even been known to run.
CHORUS:
And they're the Emerald Coast Hash House Harriers,
They've been known to run through any barriers,
'Cause they're as crazy as the day is long,
And known to show their ass or sing a song.
It's hares away and off they're running, dropping flour from a plastic sack.
They mark the intersections, with hash in all directions so they can split and
bring together the pack.
The FRBs are shouting "On On!" as the pack asks the question "Are You?"
They claim they're on the right trail, and the check is in the mail, because a
virgin missed a Check Back Two.
They're getting closer to the On Home, a P-Check brings the pack in tight.
Just a little more shiggy, but they're squealing like a piggy 'cause the Beer
Near is in sight!
After running for an hour, through the nastiest parts around,
The hares all wail, that they have laid the perfect trail, but their reward will
be a double Down Down.
And the night turns into morning, they have acted like a bunch of fools.
They took short-cuts, and showed their tits and butts, but that's okay because
there are NO RULES!
FORT EUSTIS HHH ANTHEM
Melody - ???
We're the Fort Eustis hashers
We're glad to be here
We'll shortcut your trails
And drink all your beer!
We'll fuck all your women
And puke in your car
We're the Fort Eustis hashers
The best hash by far!
FOUNDERS' BLITZ
Melody - Puttin' on the Ritz
By Great Salt Lick, Long Beach HHH
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you do a Founder's Blitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Dressed up like a twenty dollar hasher
Trying hard to be a trashy flasher
Fashion Smasher
If you'd like to see some humongous tits
Why don't you go where AREOLA sitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Drinking at the Long Beach Airport Prop Room
With the likes of HASH BUM, RAT'S ASS and BROOM
Fruit of the Loom
If you'd like to see how AT&T keeps a man
Why don't yo feel how hard she hitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Hash Balls handed out like penny candy
QPC is feeling pretty randy
(Handy dandy)
If you'd like to see how we get new boots
Why don't you see how quick DICK quitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
CRABS and PIC are mounting on the front bar
One more Kodak moment has gone too far
Hardee Har Har
If you're bored and you would like to SNEEK-A-PEEK
Why don't you view our glitzy clitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Food and drink consumed by all involved here
DANCES surely did not need that last beer
Human Pinball
If you're drunk and starting to feel sick
No doubt the night will be the pitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
HI SPEED's van was full of Taco Bellers
POKEY, NIPPLE, SALT and all the fellers
Steller yellers
If you go and eat all that crap you'll find
Your toilet full of wicked shitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Party all night long in Room 446
'twas the home of EZ, SADDLE, and 3DICKS
Hell of a mix
If you go to that room you will witness
Drunks with no beer to drink throwing fitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
One more year going down in a blaze of glory
SMACK may just appear on that show "Maury"
Gory story
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you do a Founder's Blitz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
Puttin' on the Ritz
GOD BLESS THE EL PASO HASH
Melody - God Bless the USA (Lee Greenwood)
Composed by Butt Darts
If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd hashed for all my life,
And I had to start again with just one run and a new life,
I'd thank my lucky stars to be hashing here today,
'Cause the hash still stands for freedom, so let's just masturbate!
CHORUS:
And I'm proud to be a Hasher,
Where each hash I pay a fee,
And I won't forget when you all lied,
to give that Hashit to me,
And I'll gladly stand up, nude with you, every hashing day,
'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this hash,
God bless the EPH.
From the hills of Malaysia, to the mountains we can see,
Across the Rio Grand River, they have bestiality,
The Harlot goes down on all of us, and we don't have to pay,
Well, there's pride in every El Paso Hasher, and it's time to hash today!
GOD SAVE THE KING
Melody - God Save the Queen (My Country Tis of Thee)
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
All Gypsies hear our call!
Raise glass and stand up tall!
Join us and sing.
For drunken revelry,
And no more chastity,
We drink our toast to thee:
"God Save the King!"
THE GYPSIES HASH
Melody Monster Mash
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
I was walking through the park on Halloween.
When I beheld a drunken scene.
A band of Gypsies had gathered there,
And suddenly without a care . . .
(They did the Hash) They did the Gypsies Hash!
(The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash!
(500th Hash) They were drunk in a flash!
(Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash!
(ahh oooooo) They had their Sacred Missal, books one and two,
(ahh oooooo) And their tasty Bucket caught more than a few,
(ahh oooooo) And there presiding over this crazy thing,
(ahh oooooo) Was Rongjon their beloved Gypsy King!
(They did the Hash) They did the Gypsies Hash!
(The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash!
(500th Hash) They were drunk in a flash!
(Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash!
(ahh oooooo) Now I followed carefully along their trail.
(ahh oooooo) To some their antics were beyond the pale.
(ahh oooooo) The Bucket's delights had my head in a roar,
(ahh oooooo) And Bigfoot's cooking had me begging for more!
(He did the Hash) I did the Gypsies Hash!
(The Gypsies Hash) It was their 500th Hash!
(500th Hash) I was drunk in a flash!
(Drunk in a flash) It was the Gypsies Hash!
Thurston: Mmmm . . . bucket goooood! Bucket goood!
Down Thurston, you impetuous young boy.
Thurston: Bucket goooood . . .
HASHER'S ROCKY TOP
Melody - Rocky Top
By Limpdart, Yongsan Kimchee HHH
Once two hashers climbed ol' Rocky Top,
Lookin' for a keg of beer.
Hashers ain't come down from Rocky Top,
That's why they're not here.
Zenning on trail is hard on Rocky Top,
Dirt's too rocky by far.
That's why all the hashers on Rocky Top,
Wish they had their cars.
REFRAIN:
Rocky Top you'll always be,
A shiggy trail to me.
That's why this Hasher,
Is gonna hash in Seoul City.
Shaggin' on trail is hard on Rocky Top,
Skinnin' your knees and ass.
That's why you, have to find a trail,
With a little grass.
HASHIN' IN NEW ORLEANS
Melody - Walkin' to New Orleans
By Tree Humper, Richmond HHH, Virginia
I'm hashin in New Orleans.
I'm hashin in New Orleans.
I'm trailin through the shiggy.
Cold and wet but it's no biggie.
I'm hashin in New Orleans.
I've got beers in my hand.
Now ain't that grand.
New Orleans is my hash.
Now isn't that a bash.
I'm hashin in New Orleans.
Nothing could be swanker.
Than running with those wankers.
They'll show you a great time.
When you get there you'll be fine.
You'll be hashin in New Orleans.
HOGTOWN
Melody - Downtown (Petula Clark)
By Rambo, cHARLOTtesville HHH
When it's November you should simply remember, you can always go, HOGTOWN
Kazoo and Shampoo, Lengthy, Saggy and crew, intend to steal from you, HOGTOWN
When we reach the on-in with our tacky dress and ear-rings
Molson Triple-X around the table we are sharing, Give us more booze
The Blue Jays they sucked this year, so let's forget all our troubles, forget
all our fears and go
HOGTOWN! Follow the chevrons (1) to HOGTOWN!
Freeze off your titties in HOGTOWN! Shrivel your scrotum at HOGTOWN.
HOGTOWN is my kind of town!
"Don't leave the camp", oh, that's what Zippy will rant, when he decides to
go,
HOGTOWN
Down, downs are boring, when the whole group is snoring, start the naked dance!
HOGTOWN
We don't get our money's worth with lousy kay-nook (2) moola
Hashing in Toronto sucks, don't let this weekend fool 'ya, Give us more booze
The band-plays-with-asses-bare, they have forgotten their troubles, forgotten
their cares to play
HOGTOWN! Follow the chevrons to HOGTOWN!
Freeze off your titties in HOGTOWN! Shrivel your scrotum at HOGTOWN.
HOGTOWN is my kind of town!
(1) "Chevrons" are spacing markers in the lanes on the freways leading into
Toronto.
(2) Canadians are frequently referred to as canucks, pronounced "kay-nooks."
HONG KONG PRAYER
Contributed by Harish Pillay, Singapore HHH
Our Brother,
Who art in Bejing,
Xiao Ping be thy name,
United Kingdom gone,
Thy will be done
In Hong Kong
As it is in China.
Give us this day,
Our daily bet,
and forgive us,
Our speculations.
As we forgive those
Who speculate against us.
Lead us not into Communism,
But deliver us,
From Gwailos.
For this is,
The Sovereignty,
The Power of Authority,
Forever and ever,
Chow mein.
MEN OF THE H, H, 3
Melody - ???
Eyes right, foreskins tight,
Cockstands to the front,
We're the men of the H, H, 3.
We're in search of fun,
We're the heroes of the night,
We'd rather fuck than fight,
We're the men of the H, H, 3.
CHORUS:
Rolling along, rolling along,
By the light of the silvery moon.
Happy is the Hash,
With my finger up her snatch,
By the light of the silvery moon.
Oh, (repeat from beginning)
MOTHER HASH
Melody - ???
(from Kuala Lumpur HHH)
If you're adventure hungry,
And your yuppie life is sad,
And you've a yen to be a jungly,
And leave everything you have,
CHORUS:
You wanna run away,
Sing a song, you wanna get smashed!
And call it a day, come on along,
And join the Mother Hash.
Fifty years we've been runnin',
Jungle, shiggy, and swamp,
Fifty more years we'll be runnin',
Happy birthday, On-On-On!
Anybody can join us,
Black, brown, yellow, or blue,
And nobody need feel nervous,
We even take white folks too!
MOUNT VERNON HHH ROAD SONG
Melody - Barney Theme, or This Old Man
Contributed by Roto Router, MV HHH
Orlando (name of visited hash),
We hashed there,
Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers (visiting hash name)!
We fucked all the women,
Buggered all the men,
Drank all the beer,
And we'll do it all again!
ODE TO CORPUS CHRISTI HASHERS
Melody A Rambling Melody
Composed by Cockshot, Corpus Christi HHH
Two hashers GUAM and TWAT were drinking by a ditch
One called the other one a dirty Son-of-a-
HARELIP DOG had a dog and what a dog was he
He gave it to BLUE BALLS to keep him company
He taught it, he taught it, he taught it how to jump
It jumped right up CHEMO's underwear and bit him on the
COCKSHOT, tell you what, put beer in your glass
If you don't like my story- you can kiss my
Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies,
If you ever get hit with a bucket of shit,
Be sure to close your eyes!
PIKES PEAK HASHERS
Melody - Son of a Gambolier
Adapted from "The Pioneers" by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Us Pikes Peak hashers are dirty flashers,
We piss through leather britches,
We wipe our ass with broken glass,
Us horny sons of bitches.
When cunt is rare, we fuck a bear,
We knife him if he snitches,
We knock our cocks against the rocks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We take our ass upon the grass,
In bushes or in ditches,
Our two-pound dinks are full of kinks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
Without remorse, we fuck a horse,
And beat him if he twitches,
Our two-foot pricks are full of nicks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
To make a mule stand for the tool,
We beat him with hickory switches,
We use our pricks for walking sticks,
Us horny sons of bitches.
Great joy we reap from cornholing sheep,
In barns, or bogs, or ditches,
Nor give a damn if it be a ram,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We walk around, prick to the ground,
And kick it if it itches,
And if it throbs, we scratch it with cobs,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We masturbate from morn to late,
Till our bloody foreskin twitches,
Next morning at ten we begin again,
Us horny sons of bitches.
At Pikes Peak, we got no fears,
We do not stop at trifles,
We hang our balls on the walls,
And shoot at them with rifles.
We scrounge a cow and care not how,
The shit sticks to our britches,
And fetch a bull and fill him full,
Us horny sons of bitches.
We fuck our wives with butcher knives,
And keep their cunts in stitches,
But VD makes it hurt to pee,
Us horny sons of bitches.
RICHMOND HHH SONG
Melody - Dixie
Contributed by Tree Humper, Richmond HHH, Virginia
I wish I was with the Hash in Richmond.
Hashes there are really bitchin.
Hash away, hash away, hash away, Richmond hash.
In the Richmond hash where I was named.
Running shiggy trails, drunk and lamed.
Hash away, hash away, hash away Richmond Hash.
Oh I wish I was in Richmond.
Away away.
In Richmond land I'll take my stand,
And run true trail in Richmond.
Away, away, away down South in Richmond.
Away, away, away down South in Richmond.
SHANGHAI HHH SONG
Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic
By Tree Humper, Richmond HHH, Virginia
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the running of the Hash.
We are Hashers, we're from Shanghai and the trails there are a bash.
We will run and drink and fall down till we run out of our cash.
The Hashers are on trail.
On, on, Shanghai Hashers.
On, on, Shanghai Hashers.
On, on, Shanghai Hashers.
Shanghai's on true trail.
SLUTS FROM LUTZ
A Poem of Unestimable Love, Sincerity, and Devotion
By StumpSlayer, Carolina Trash
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, I hate your guts,
You've brought me to my knees.
You're everything a man would want,
You're beauty, poise, and sleeze.
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, you drive me nuts,
Your love may make me dead.
I'm just a moth drawn to the flame,
KrotchKiten, SealedLips, CheeseSpread!
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, you give me coconuts,
That's far worse than blueballs,
I'd laundry suck your underwear,
And chew your UnderAlls!
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, it may draw yucks,
You're my refuge from my strife,
Please put your legs around my neck,
Be my new leash on life!
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, this poem sucks,
But not as well as you.
Grind your highheels into my chest,
While I admire the view !
Oh, Sluts from Lutz, had I more bucks,
And could control the weather,
I'd rearrange the alphabet,
And put U and I together !
SONG OF THE BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN HASHERS (BRUNEI)
Melody - All Things Bright and Beautiful
Contributed by Teats de Swamp
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
We like to eat them all
Each little beast that staggers
Each little bird that sings
We eat their tiny bodies
We eat their little wings
Each little frog we fondle
We'd love to chew and crunch
Each little chick we cuddle
We'd rather have for lunch
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
We like to eat them all
SQUANNACOOK RIVER RUNNERS ANTHEM
Chant
Contributed by Brett Hall
Squannacook once, Squannacook twice
Holy jumpin' Jesus Christ
Rim-ram, God-damn,
Son of a bitch, shit!
THE STORY OF THE BOSTON HASHERS
Melody - Charlie on the MTA (Kingston Trio)
Contributed by Rob Basford, Boston HHH
Oh . . . let me tell you a story about the Boston Hashers
They've been here for twenty-four years,
Each week they run on flour through shiggy for an hour
In an effort to find a few beers!
CHORUS:
But do we ever complain, no we never complain,
From whining we refrain ('cept for "Rectal")
We may run forever in the streets of Boston
For the beer and shiggy terain.
Now "Watergate" she was, once the greatest grand-mattress,
'cause she bitches, she moans, and she . . . shits,
She'll slam down on the phone because she has PMS syndrome,
But we love her for her really big . . . HEART!
Now "Sweet Molasses" has the cutest of asses,
A nicer one you'll ne-ver find,
When her buttocks wiggle . . . it makes my old boy giggle
That's why I like to come from behind!
Well all . . . night . . . long . . . "Shine On" waits at the station
Crying "what will be-come of me?"
How . . . can . . . I . . . afford to see my boyfriend in Roxbury
Or my cousins way out in . . . Chel-sea!
Now every Boston virgin will hear us all uh urgin'
To tell us . . . with who you came,
Then you'll hear "Rectal" holler, "Give me your ten dollars!"
It's no wonder how he got his name!
While "Fat One's" a singin' and we're all here a drinkin'
I've been thinking it's been a great day.
Then a voice . . . cries out in a very load shout,
"I'm 'Rectal' and you all must pay!"
Now with the circle hash . . . re-spect is what we expect
On private . . . parties we frown,
So if you can't shut up then we'll fill up your cu-up
And make you drink it . . . DOWN! DOWN! DOWN!
When the Hare is "Friar Fuck", we're . . . all shit out of lu-uck
He doesn't know his flora at all,
So best you be ready to cut with a machete,
Through Poison Ivy ten feet tall!
Well then there's "Ski Bobbit" who sets hashes like a hobbit,
They're difficult but they . . . are . . . fun,
Three four hours gone . . . SEO makes the On-On shouting
"Who fucking set this run?!"
Well "Piece of Tail" waits, at the Scollay Square station,
Every day at quarter past two,
And through the open window hands . . . "White Flash" a down-down
As the train goes rumbling through!
Now Boston's got a thriller who'd be a lady killer,
Except he's hard on female e-gos,
'Cause when we grab his member, he DOESN'T REMEMBER!
It's Narcoleptic Romeo . . .
When French Tickler wants to pass, with great legs and ass
Male hashers follow with glee
But 'though she's fun and silly, you best tuck in your willy
'cause she's got a man in Par-eee
Now there ain't no hasher's greater than our own "Master Waiter"
It's impossible to get . . . him . . . lost,
Ever since that year when he ran right past the beer,
'Found a chesty muddy river to cross!
And this is the story of a hasher named "Junky",
On a tragic and fateful day,
He put ten beers in pocket, kissed his wife and girlfrie-end,
And moved to Califor-nee-i-a!
Well "Meat Pie" . . . she . . . waits, at the Scolly Square station,
Every day at quarter past two,
And through the open window hands . . . "No Hands" a few brew-ews
As the train goes rumbling through!
SUBIC HASHIONAL ANTHEM
Melody - Makin' Whoopee
Composed by Dennis "Mu-Sick" Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida
There was a hasher, of forty-five,
Not much to look at, but he's alive,
He's a disaster, he's our grand master,
When hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh.
There was a sailor, who fell in love,
He met the girl, he was dreamin' of,
But he wouldn't marry'er, she's a clap carrier,
So now he's hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh.
There was an ensign, who liked to smile,
When thinkin' of down-downs, durin' her last mile,
She chugs beer better, in Barrio Barretta,
When she's hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh.
There was a hasher, who was in distress,
Till he biblically knew our, grand mistress,
He's her spiritual advisor, she's his appetizer,
When hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh.
THERE IS A HASH IN NEW ORLEANS
Melody - The House of the Rising Sun
Composed by Flamin' Asshole, Emerald Coast HHH; contributed by M.I.A.
There is a hash in New Orleans,
They throw a great party each year,
With strays and gays in wild parades,
And Po' Boys with Dixie beer.
Grand Masters, tell your hashers,
Take your whistles and go,
'Cause Cajuns there, are rednecks and queers,
They take you on blow for blow.
The only thing a hasher needs,
Is a butt plug and a mug,
One to keep queers out of their rears,
The other so they can chug.
The virgins show up early,
They drink, pass out, and are through,
The experienced hashers cum later,
And cover the virgins in goo.
As hashers get up in the morning,
Most of them wish they were dead,
There's a little man with a hammer,
Banging inside of their heads.
Now the moral of our story,
Mardi Gras is a blast,
From the Emerald Coast, we propose a toast,
Merci, with our tits and ass.
THERE IS A HOUSE IN NITTANY VALLEY
Melody - House of the Rising Sun
There is a house in Nittany Valley,
They call the Harriers,
And it's been the salvation of many a poor boy,
And God, I know, I'm there.
My Mother was Inferior,
An Ann Arbor harriette,
My father was the Reverend Poon Tang,
A Chemical Waste hasher yet.
Now the only thing a hasher needs,
Is a shag bag and a beer,
The only time that he is satisfied,
Is when the beer is near.
Oh Mother, tell your children,
To do what I did dare,
To live their lives in sin and ecstasy,
As a Hash House Harrier.
With one foot on the beer check,
The other foot on the trail,
I'm going back to the apres,
To chase after bimbo tail.
Well, there is a house in Nittany Valley,
They call the Harriers,
And it's been the salvation of many a poor boy,
And God, I know, I'm there.
TOKYO HASH SONG
Melody - The Irish Rover
I flew into Tokyo, an expat so neat,
Some boozy old hashers I happened to meet,
I asked to go hashing, they answered me "Nay,
For wimps such as you we can find any day."
CHORUS:
And it's no nay never, no nay no never no more,
Shall I play the wild hasher, no never no more.
I took out my checkbook all shiny and bright,
The hash cash's eyes they lit up with delight,
He said, "Gladly we'll welcome you as one of the rank,
As soon as your check has been cleared by the bank."
They sold me a T-shirt at exhorbitant price,
Then we went hashing, 'twas ever so nice,
At the last checkpoint we lost three without trace,
And back at the On In we all got shit faced.
I've hashed the world over in places far and near,
I fondled the women and drank all the beer,
And now I'm returning with tales for to tell,
Of checkbacks unending and shortcuts through hell.
Now all I have left is a beer-stained T-shirt,
And my Nikes are covered in shiggy and dirt,
My wife she has left me because of the pong,
And this is the end of my terrible song.
WARRIERS HAD A MEETING
Melody - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
By Dances With Dogs, Oregon HHH
Note: "Warriers" is spelled that way on purpose - F.B.
The Warriers had a meeting
They came from near and far
Some came by jet airliner
Some came from Manly's bar
And when they were assembled
The Dog the Bitch and Man
Out popped our Cornballer
From the fucking can
One Warrier still was missing
We had tried to shake him loose
But Scrotum came upon us
Swilling in the Goose
There we Warriers gamboled
Without a worry or care
When a crazed and drunken bimbo yelled
"Hey, we're supposed to hare!"
So to the next bar we rambled
To wile away an hour
When another skanky bimbo yelled
"We forgot the fucking flour!"
As we staggered back to the box
With our legs between our tail
We had spent eight hours in many a bar
But not a second scouting trail
There Lips did loan us a sacred vessel
In which we shall not shit
As long as Battered Woman
And Killer stay away from it
But to those Warrier bimbos
Who we thought we could not top
Throughout the chef's hat dance
Their laughter would not stop
So then we all decided
With ice shoved up our ass
Monster not Baller is going to come
To our next fucking Warrier hash
Of course we do realize
That for our next Warrier trail
If Monster's coming with us
Well be setting his fucking bail
But this tale cannot yet end
Without thanks to the Oregon Hash
And kidnap victim number three
Much honor to deep gash
WE'RE FROM DAYTON
Melody - Army Song (Caissons Go Rolling Along)
By Catwoman, Dayton HHH
Searching hard, to no avail.
Where the hell's the fucking trail.
We're from Dayton, so give us a beer.
Heaven knows, we're half wits.
We just want to see your tits.
We're from Dayton, so give us a beer.
We just want to say, hey, DECOC all the way.
Naked fire jumping makes us hot. (scream here)
We're a drunken crew, and we know Steamer too.
We're from Dayton, so give us a beer.
WET SPOT'S WAIL
Melody - Charlie on the MTA (Kingston Trio)
By Mouthful, Oregon HHH
Let me tell you the story of a Hasher named Wetspots on a tragic and fateful
day.
She put flour in her pocket, kissed her best man Stinky and proceeded to lay the
trail.
Oh . . .
The . . .
Trail it was abysmal and the checks they were pathetic and the logic just didn't
jibe.
She left beer in Hobo Heaven, thought it actually would stay there and continued
to keep on smilin'.
Well the hounds said "It's outrageous," and the co-Hare was adamant, that ol'
Wetspots was our blond friend.
But dear Wetspots didn't get it. Kept on telling us we loved it. Was determined
to hash without end.
Oh will she ever return, no she'll never return. She is banned from laying
trail.
She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. She is banned
from laying trail.
She decided she would greet us at the tavern she would meet us. She was
greeted with so much rage.
And after produce row she led us, from the city then she sped us. Now her
half-mind was unengaged.
Oh will she ever return, no she'll never return. She is banned from laying
trail.
She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. She is banned
from laying trail.
After Hal's the Hounds took action, 'twas a desperate reaction, and they
followed the Hares outside.
In four blocks they saw the reason, why the trail it wasn't pleasin' as the
Hares prepared to drive.
Oh will she ever return, no she'll never return. She is banned from laying
trail.
She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. She is banned
from laying trail.
Then our most exalted Tyrant stuck his head inside her window and proceeded
to grab her keys.
There she sat in all that traffic, and the hounds they were a laughing, 'til her
shorts came off over her knees.
Oh will she ever return, no she'll never return. She is banned from laying
trail.
She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. She is banned
from laying trail.
At . . .
Old . . .
Town . . .
Pizza we assembled for a session that resembled something of a lynch partee.
Each had found his own way back, but we were ne'er again on track for no flour
did we see.
It was a Horrid Hash disaster, that will live for ever after in the annals of
infamy . . .
As the day when our dear Wetspots grabbed her final sack of flour and she sealed
her destiny.
Oh will she ever return, no she'll never return. She is banned from laying
trail.
She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. She is banned
from laying trail.
WHITE HOUSE HHH ANTHEM
Melody - Unknown
Contributed by SmegmaBalls, White House HHH
We're the White House Hashers
Scum of the earth,
Scourge of crea-a-tion,
God-forsaken-fornicating-son-of-a-bitches,
Found in every whore house,
Drink, suck, and scre-e-ew,
We're the White House Hash, and we say, fuck, YOU!
WHITE SANDS OF PANAMA CITY HHH
Melody - The Streets of Laredo
By Loud Bloody Bitch, Panama City HHH
As I hashed the white sands of Panama City,
I got lost in the shiggy for days.
I spied some dumb rednecks and asked for directions,
They all had erections and admired my teeth.
I squealed like a punk bitch on his first night in prison,
Now I still run the trail but I'm bowlegged as hell.
So if you are out hashing and hear the call "R U,"
Don't answer, "I'm searching," or "on-on true trail,"
Don't give that lost hasher assistance or pity,
Just hash on through the thorns and the shiggy,
That's more beer for us at the end of the trail.
WIREGRASS HHH DOWN-DOWN SONG
Melody - Itself (same as for "Marriage a la Mode")
Composed by Pole Pounder, contributed by Horny Toad
CHORUS:
Drink a little bit, run a little bit,
Follow the hash, follow the hash, follow the hash.
Drink a little bit, run a little bit, follow the hash,
Join in our happy song.
Mighty fine hares are they, are they,
Mighty fine hares are they.
They mark the true trail with bottles of ale,
And mark false ones with three lines of pee.
Mighty fine hashers are they, are they,
Mighty fine hashers are they.
They can't run, they can't sing, but they're good for one thing,
They have the keys to the old brewery.
Mighty fine virgins are they, are they,
Mighty fine virgins are they.
They're tired and they're thirsty and their clothes are all dirty,
But there's no place that they'd rather be.
A front-running bastard is __________, is __________,
A front-running bastard is (s)he.
(S)he thinks it's a race till (s)he falls flat on her/his face,
And skins up her/his cute little knees.
A short-cutting bastard is __________, is __________,
A short-utting bastard is (s)he.
(S)he ran off the true trail and started to wail,
"Help, I'm up to my neck in shiggy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SONGS ABOUT HASHING & HASHERS
Addicted to the Hash Net Version I
Addicted to the Hash Net Version II
A Few of My Favorite Things
A Man of Constant Boners
A View of Hash
Ancient Hash Song
Bagpipe Song
Bengali One So Long
Bike Week
Bimbo
Can't Hash Today (aka Paddy's Lament)
Close to Brew
Creak Goes the Muscle Oh
Daylight Come
Deep in the Heart of Texas
Drunken Hasher
Europe
Final Down-Down
Give a Little Whistle
Gunga's Song
Handsome Hasher
Happy Hasher
Hare!
Harriette the Tattooed Hasher
Harriettes, They Play One
Has Anybody Seen R J
Hash House Harrier House
Hash House Harrier Mountain
Hash on the Range
Hasher is Smarter
Hasher Men (and Women)
Hashers Go Running One By One
Hasher's Lament
Hashin'
Hashin' in the Woods
Hashin' USA
Headed Out to Orlando
I Am a Hasher, How 'Bout You?
I Love to Have a Beer With ________
I Want a Nasty Little Hasher Princess
If I Only Had Half a Brain
If I Were King of the Hash House
Imagine
I've Been Laying Out a Hash Trail
I've Got that Hashing Spirit
I've Got the Clap Again
I've Only Half a Brain
Jungle Smell
Jungle Swallows
Keep on Hashing
Last Hash Run
Leaving on a Hash Run
Like a Geezer Who Has Sinned
Loneliest Hare
Mooning in the Sun
Morgan's Pies
Mount Bonnell
My Big Banana (two versions)
O Harriette
Ode to a Hasher
Ode to Commode for the Flounder
Once a Bloody Hashman
Only Real Men Run the Southside
Our GM
Out of Towner
Over the River and Through the Woods
Ozzy Man
People in Pink Tutus
Porno Prick
Rap it Up
She Ain't Gonna Fuck No More
Shiggy Spot
Short Cutter
Short Cutter's Rhapsody
Sixteen Miles
Somebody Come and Hash
Song to Cuming Mutha
Spiders in My Hair
Stuck in the Middle With You
Suckanna
Super Hasher
Swilligan's Island
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl
The Beer That I Drink at the Hash
The Hasher Pukes Tonight (long version)
Three Jolly Hasher Men
Three Visiting Hashers
Throw Down Some Flour
Tweet-Whistle
Twelve Days of Interhash
Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Hasher
Two Hashers (Harriettes)
Uneasy Hasher
Wanky's Beers
We Go Hashing
Were You Lonesome Tonight?
Whining Poem
White Rabbit
Wild Hasher
Yellow is the Color
Yesterday
You ain't Nothin' But a Hasher
You are My Hashit
Your Hand was Made to Stroke My Gland
Zippy the Red-Nosed Hasher
ADDICTED TO THE HASH NET VERSION I
Melody I Heard it Through the Grapevine
By Babe Thruster, Emerald Coast HHH
Every mornin' at the crack of dawn,
I turn my computer on.
And though I know that I'll regret,
I log on to the internet.
And like a junkie let out on bail,
(Out on bail)
I gotta have a hit of that E-mail.
(Hit E-mail)
'Cause I'm addicted to the Hashnet.
How much lower can a half-mind get?
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hashnet.
Nine o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
My delete key, it's still fried
dumping shit from Access Denied.
Then there's Teats de Swamp and Opie too,
Flying Booger and Screw Ewe.
These worthless postings are getting me pissed.
(Getting me pissed)
They're just tryin' to make that top ten list.
(Top ten list)
Still I'm addicted to the Hashnet
I'm cussin' hashers that I've never met.
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hashnet
Ten o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
Now there's nothing that annoys me more
than a Stray Dog flamming war.
Don't they know that they can't win?
Stray Dog's gonna get the last word in.
Though I'm really not threatened by him,
(Threatened by him)
he's like the Hitler of hashing to them.
(Hitler to them)
And I'm addicted to the Hashnet
Debating half-minds is a losing bet
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hashnet
'Leven o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
I really laughed at those jokes you know,
when first posted six months ago.
And you know we all take offense
at daily postings for those hash events.
They're all guilty of net abuse
(Net abuse)
just like that fucker with the Nassau cruise.
(Nassau cruise)
And I'm addicted to the Hashnet
A full mailbox really makes me wet
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hashnet
Twelve o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
All these hash events I can't attend,
it's road reports on which I depend.
Like CIS and his rum-soaked mind,
he's hounding every hash that he can find.
Is he a bigger voyeur than me?
(Bigger than me)
Always searchin' for hash nudity.
(Hash nudity)
And I'm addicted to the Hashnet
This online time's puttin' me in debt
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hashnet
One o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
ADDICTED TO THE HASH NET - VERSION II
Melody I Heard it Through the Grapevine
By Christopher Rowe
I really laughed at those jokes you know,
When first posted six months ago.
And you know we all take offense
At daily postings for those hash events.
They're all guilty of net abuse
(Net abuse)
Just like that fucker with the Nassau cruise.
(Nassau cruise)
And I'm addicted to the hash net
A full mailbox really makes me wet
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hash net
Twelve o' clock, ain't got no work done yet.
I should unsubscribe.
(Get back to work, don't be a jerk, get back to work Babe Thruster)
All these hash events I can't attend,
It's road reports on which I depend.
Like from CIS and his rum-soaked mind,
He's hounding every hash that he can find.
Is he a bigger voyeur than me?
(Bigger than me)
Always searchin' for hash nudity.
(Hash nudity)
This online time's puttin' me in debt
Yeah, I'm addicted to the hash net.
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Melody - These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
Short cuts that leave all the front bastards trailing,
Misleading directions leaving short cutters wailing,
Slippery slopes where hounds flounder in shit,
These are some things that appeal to my wit.
CHORUS:
When the pox stings, and my balls ache,
And my cock is sore,
I cheer myself up with my favorite things,
And revive the old cock once more.
Quims soft and puckered and minge short and curly,
Tight little cunts fringed with spunk white and pearly,
Red painted nipples, an ice cube blow job,
These are the things that will make my cock throb.
Limbs brown and supple, with buttocks gyrating,
Positions amazing, damp cunt lips pulsating,
Cheerful young bodies all eager to screw,
Of my favorite things these are only a few.
The rugby mob buggers all bloated with beer,
The sight of them's foul, it's no wonder, they're queer,
The dear old mismanagement, oh, what a farce,
These are some of the things you can stick up your arse.
A run that was set by those mad hares the Dutch,
A ride in old trucks that you all loved so much,
Some piss that was different with a beer glass thrown in,
Surely a fucking good hash, no hash sin.
A MAN OF CONSTANT BONERS
Melody - A Man of Constant Sorrow
By Bitchy Cuntingham & Swamp Bitch, Pittsburgh HHH
(as performed at the Pittsburgh HHH 1000th)
I am a man of constant boners,
I see hooters everywhere.
I will bid farewell to my virginity
Down in the place with pubic hair.
REFRAIN:
Down in the place with pubic hair.
Maybe bimbos think I'm just a half-mind,
Wanker, looking for some whore.
But I guarantee that my pudenda
Will satisfy, and leave them sore.
REFRAIN:
He'll satisfy, and leave them sore.
For six long miles I've been real thirsty,
No six-packs on trail I found.
For on this hash I'm bound to tumble,
I have no beer to help me now.
REFRAIN:
He has no beer to help him now.
I have hashed for hours in some deep valley,
Many falses I have found.
Someday I may learn to skip the buses,
To stay at camp and fuck around.
REFRAIN:
He'll stay at camp and fuck around!
So it's fare thee well to my old liver,
I don't expect it'll be the same.
For I've got to do so many down-downs,
Perhaps I'll get a new hash name
REFRAIN:
Perhaps he'll get a new hash name.
A VIEW OF HASH
A Poem by Flamin' Moe, Anchorage HHH
Family of the foot are we
Roots, tradition, history
Built from games so long ago
We've flourished more than you could know
On every land, across every sea
Our people gather just to be
We are unique and very special
Some are crazy, some are mellow
Some are hiding from growing old
Getting boring, or what "da man" done told
The reasons change with every day
I don't know why, that's just our way
I prefer to think that we gather
'Cause we like when we're together
A group of spirits who feel the warmth
When close to others whom support
People that understand the fun
To sing, explore, curse, and run
A break from norms, a time to laugh
A moment to hug or shake some hands
Never am I ashamed to say
I love the Hash most every day
With inside drama, we sometimes shake
When strong views clash or romance don't take
Through it all we will not end
Not the group, and not as friends
Skip a hash
Heck, skip a few
When you're back, we'll start anew
Come be a Hare, Come be a Hound
We'll pour a beer, then drink it down
ANCIENT HASH SONG
Melody - Tidings of Comfort and Joy
A hasher is a manly chap,
He's full of vim and vigor.
And maidens gather round in droves,
To see his manly figure.
Of flashing thighs and knobby knees,
He makes a splendid sight.
And all the girls do seek of him,
To spend with them the night.
At this ancient sport he does excel,
None is better in the land.
'Tis only on a Monday night,
He needs a bit of a hand.
But Tuesday sees him big and bold,
If a little red of eye.
He tells himself he's not so old,
And has another try.
As lovers go he is the best,
The girls cannot go wrong.
Where others limp and sweat and pant,
The hasher cries, "On On!"
Now you may think this splendid brute,
Is more animal than man.
But concealed inside his noble head,
Is more than an empty beer can.
Of intellect he is most high,
Long words come naturally.
In more than a dozen languages,
He cries, "Jeez, I need to pee!"
On hashing nights great minds confer,
To put the world to right.
Engineers and scientists,
Politicians from left and right.
It really is a treasure trove,
Of wit and repartee.
Foul language is never heard,
Just the occasional "Cooee!"
This lofty band,
This group most high,
Gentlemen, one and all.
If only the world was made of such,
Then life would be a ball.
In this modern world we find,
Such violence and sin,
Isn't it a comfort then,
To find this band of men.
Whose only care is a maiden's prayer,
And to keep her safe from harm.
Oh, fret not, pretty maiden,
A hasher will keep you warm.
Not only warm but fed and clothed,
With oils he'll anoint your body,
And all he wants in return,
Is the occasional bit of nookie!
And when a hasher's run is o'er,
To the Golden Gate he goes.
St Peter studies the Hash Cash book,
To see what he might owe.
"Thee's fully paid oop, nae problem there,
And what's this I see here?
Thee likes a bit o' hot nookie,
After a few cold beers.
Thee's just the sort we needs oop here,
So thee may move along,
Vestal Virgins is on the left."
And the hasher cries, "On On!"
BAGPIPE SONG
Melody - Scotland the Brave
Contributed by White Shoes, San Francisco HHH
Here's to the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash (substitute hash name).
CHORUS (hold chair upside down to simulate bagpipes; make droning sound and
tap throat to form notes):
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na na na na,
Na na na na . . .
Then there was the jockey with his upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Then there was the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Then there was the queerie who was leerin' through his beerie,
At the sight o' the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Then there was the harlot makin' money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leerin' through his beerie,
At the sight o' the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Then there was the HASHER who was posin' as a flasher,
Hustlin' johnnies from the harlot makin' money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leerin' through his beerie,
At the sight o' the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Then there was the wenchy doin' down-down on a benchie,
For the pleasure o' the HASHER who was posin' as a flasher,
Hustlin' johnnies from the harlot makin' money in the car lot,
To support the a'queerie who was leerin' through his beerie,
At the sight o' the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
Now the moral o' this ditty is when in San Francisco City,
And you're with your favorite girlie chasin' hairs all short and curly,
Just remember to take her hashin' and to give her a good bashin',
And keep her away from the wenchy doing down-down on the benchie,
For the pleasure o' the HASHER who was posin' as a flasher,
Hustlin' johnnies from the harlot makin' money in the car lot,
To support the a' queerie who was leerin' through his beerie,
At the sight o' the cranky who was wankin' in his hankie,
At the thought o' the jockey with the upstandin' cocky,
Who was ridin' on the lassie with the black hair on her assie,
Who was liftin' up her kiltie at the San Francisco Hash.
BENGALI ONE SO LONG
Melody - ???
Bengali one so long,
Melayu one potong,
Indian one so dark and strong,
Orang Puteh just like sotong.
All Hash Mens' hard and strong,
They can go for ten furlong,
Darling, please don't ask for tolong,
And we will carry on and on.
There is a lady in sarong,
She prefers it done on a palong,
To her surprise we can stand so long,
Because one fails the rest will carry on.
BIKE WEEK
Melody - ???
By Shuttle Cock, Houston HHH
Salmon swimming up a stream
Bikers having Harley dreams
Co-eds rubbing on sun creams
Time for Bike Week fun it seems
For once Jammies is gone
And toes will be spit free
But now one has to watch Mullet
If you don't want a shoe full of pee
Unending beer once again
A 72-hour pub crawl
Random acts of debauchery
And hounds passed out in halls
Late night eating with harriettes
And also maybe some food
The constant rumble of engines
And "Enforcers" with attitude
The ridiculous "no public drinking"
Though chug contests abound
Winning every last one of them
By entering a ringer hound
Bike Week
Time to Drink
Bike Week
Time to Drink
Bike Week . . .
BIMBO
Melody - B-I-N-G-O
Contributed by Catwoman and Penis Head
There was a girl who hashed with us
and BIMBO was her name oh
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
This girl she had enormous tits
Three-eight-double-D- oh
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
And on these tits she did depend
To have her way with men oh
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
The guys would follow her around
To try to suck her toes oh
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
She always shopped at Frederick's
For lacy bras and things oh
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
The other girls all hated her
Because she was a BIMBO
B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O
And BIMBO was her name oh
CAN'T HASH TODAY (aka PADDY'S LAMENT)
Melody - The Scotsman's Kilt (an adaption of a Clancy Brothers song)
Contributed by Paddy O'Tool
Dear Hash I sing this song for to tell you of my plight,
For at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black and blue, and me face a deathly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at the Hash today.
I was workin' on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,
But to toss 'em down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased (he is an awkward sod),
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladder in me hod.
Now clearin' all those bricks by hand seemed oh so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was heavier than me.
And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
And clingin' tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, 'til to my dismay I found,
That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel comin' down.
Oh the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I smacked the pulley with me head.
I still clung on though numb with shocked from this almighty blow,
As the barrel spilled out half its bricks from fourteen floors below.
Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more.
Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body racked with pain,
When halfways down I met the bloody barrel once again
Oh the force of this collision halfways down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope as I headed toward the ground,
And landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.
As I lay there moanin' on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst,
When the barrel struck the pulley wheel and didn't the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, sure I didn't have a hope,
And as I lay there losin' consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.
Now the barrel (being heavier) then started down once more,
And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you understand why Paddy's not at the Hash today.
CLOSE TO BREW
Melody - Close to You
By Mommy's Dear Ass, jHavelina HHH
Why do hashers suddenly appear,
Every time BEER is NEAR?
Just like me, they long to be,
Close to Brew,
Ahhhhh Ahhhh Ahh,
Close to Brew,
Ahhhhh Ahhhh Ahh,
Down Down Down!
ALTERNATE VERSES:
Why does cactus stick out from their asses
Every time through shiggy a hound passes?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to Brew
Why does the pack cry out ON-ON
Every time trail is nearly done?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to Brew
Why are hares always filled with fright
Every time hounds are in sight?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to Brew
Why are hounds filled with such delight
Every time the hares are in sight?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to Brew
Why do virgins always play so dumb
Every time someone makes them cum?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to Brew
CREAK GOES THE MUSCLE OH
Melody - Green Grow the Rushes
Who'll give me one oh?
Creak goes the muscle oh,
What is your one oh?
One for the arrow up the steps never to be trusted,
Two, two, the jogging shoes all clogged up with mud, Ho Ho!
Three, three, the checkbacks we all missed,
Four for the worn out running kit,
Five for the toes of the worn out hashers,
Six for the pools of vomit,
Seven for the down downs after the run,
Eight for the ones who turned up late,
Nine for hashers lost at the check,
Ten for the virgins oh so cute,
Eleven for the hare who set the course,
Twelve for the mismanagement of the pack.
DAYLIGHT COME
Melody - Daylight Come and I Want To Go Home
CHORUS:
Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Frozen ballocks and frozen cock,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Had a piss and froze to the block,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Drew me a katoey from the hat,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Didn't have a rubber now I've got the clap,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Drank a dozen down-downs before I puked,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Spewed on the GM and got rebuked,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Ended up in the Rock Hard 'round about dawn,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
Got my pocket picked by a girl called Porn,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
Now I've got to find cheap room and board,
Daylight come and I want to go home,
There I'll stay till the next maraud,
Daylight come and I want to go home.
DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS
Melody - Deep in the Heart of Texas
By Bollox, Phuket H3
Note: Song is about the 14th Texas Interhash (1997)
Chorus:
Deep in the Heart of Texas
That's where the Houston Hash went
Deep in the Heart of Texas
Got Wet, got Pissed, fell Asleep in a Tent
Deep in the Heart of Texas
The Houston pack went to InterHash
The rain came Down almost washed us Back
Friday night was a sea of Mud
But the Smell was Farts from Boys in the Tub
Saturday came with Coffee and Sun
Last nights Beers gave us all the Runs
Jessica Rabbit wouldn't Show her Tits
But Pinball was first to Hang out her Bits
The Run was Shit we got Wet to the Bone
Then the Cops told us all to Fuck off Home
Mighty Mouse swam for an Hour and a Half
At least Hooter/Drummer Bill finally got a Bath
The Nightime Run was in the Nude
Slum Bag was a girl but now she's a Dude
She is Mr. InterHash for all to See
Does she now Stand up to take a Pee?
Sunday morning with Hangover Rife
Everybody woke up with Someone elses Wife
In the Afternoon we were Thrilled to Bits
We finally saw Full Service's Tits
Those Colonials are all so Fuckin' Queer
Pipes says he's not from a Hash 'round Here
Bollox spent his time with Pants firmly ON
Almost Useless except he sang a Song
Twister is a Game played in the Nude
Bodies covered in Cream looked like Food
Showtime was Better than our Boy George
It wasn't the Sun made his Dick Sore
DRUNKEN HASHER
Melody - Drunken Sailor
by Hazukashii, Yongsan HHH
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
What shall we do with the drunken hasher,
After all the down-downs?
CHORUS:
There he goes again - pukin' in the bushes,
There he goes again - pukin' in the bushes,
There he goes again - pukin' in the bushes,
After all the down-downs.
Take away his whistle and send him on a BT,
He'll take a wizz behind the old oak tree,
Then he'll blow his nose on his old shirty,
After all the down-downs.
Then we'll shave his ass with a rusty razor,
Shave his crotch with a new-fangled laser,
Zap him in the ass with a copper's tazer,
After all the down-downs.
Shove a bag of flour up his asshole,
Soak it up with beer and add a piece of coal,
Then stand back boys he's gonna blow,
After all the down-downs.
Put him in the back of the old hash wagon,
Drag him by a rope from the old hash wagon,
Kick him in the ass behind the old hash wagon,
After all the down-downs.
Send him home with the old hashit,
He won't know - how he got it,
'next weeks hash and throw a fit,
After all the down-downs.
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher,
After all the down-downs.
EUROPE
Melody - America, (West Side Story)
With apologies to Stephen Sondheim & Leonard Bernstein
By Flying Booger
Note: song requires two lead singers plus a chorus of hashers
ANNOYING SEPPO HASHER (ASH):
United States-O, you lovely nation
Nation of excellent hashing
Always the shiggy growing
Always the finest beer flowing
SNOTTY EURO-HASHER (SEH):
United States-O, you ugly nation
Nation of violent gunplay
Always the Hash List abusing
Always the fighting and flaming
And the buttchugs flowing
And nasty names giving
And the cheap beer swilling
I like the hashing in Europe
Open your gob and chew that in!
HASH CHORUS (sans ASH):
I'd rather hash in the UK
Elizabeth Queen in the UK
Hashing is fab in the UK
Cracking good hash in the UK!
ASH: I like the city of New York
SEH: As for yourself, you can get fucked
ASH: Hundreds of hashers, and all rude
SEH: You Yanks can all go & get screwed!
HASH CHORUS (sans ASH):
Citroen car drive in la belle France
Piss in the street in la belle France
Cinema Jerry Lewis in la France
Tres bien hashing in la France!
ASH: I'll drink a Shiner in Austin
SEH: You will puke up what you drink in
ASH: I'll buy the circle a cold case
SEH: After they taste, how you show face?
HASH CHORUS (sans ASH):
Gastarbeiter goes to old Deutschland
Gastarbeiter Raus! in old Deutschland
Not many hashes in Deutschland
More bier fuer die hashers in Deutschland!
ASH: I'll bring your hash shit to Philly
SEH: I hope it falls off, your willy
ASH: I'll give the virgin a hash name
SEH: American hash names are so lame!
HASH CHORUS (sans ASH):
I like to hash in Italia
Bombardier loos in Italia
Trails through the ruins in Italia
Beer okay, more so than America
ASH: I will subscribe to the Euro-List
SEH: Up your bum you can put Euro-fist
ASH: Virus alerts will I e-mail you
SEH: Bloody Yank, cram it up your flue!
THE FINAL DOWN-DOWN
Melody - The Final Countdown (Europe)
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak HHH
You're leaving us, hasher,
And so it's farewell
But maybe you'll come back,
To hash, who can tell ?
And though there is no one to blame,
You're leaving town,
Will trails ever be the same again?
It's the final down-down . . .
You've run through the shiggy,
Still your cock [tits] stood tall
Slurped your drinks like a piggy
Fucked the harriettes [hasher chaps] all.
With so many check points to go
And trails to be found
I'm sure that we'll all miss you so.
It's the final down-down . . .
You're leaving, you bastard,
May you shortcut to hell,
And screw fallen women [hashers]
And the devil as well.
And now you've run your last hash trail
So drink it all down,
Will hashing e'er be the same again?
It's the final down-down . . .
GIVE A LITTLE WHISTLE
Melody - Give a Little Whistle
Contributed by Stray Dog, Global Trash
When you find the true trail and you want some com-pan-y,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle), give a little whis-tle (whistle).
When you meet temp-ta-tion and the urge to short-cut's strong,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle), give a little whis-tle (whistle).
Not just an "On-Onnn!" Puck-er up and Blow!
And if their whistle's gone, yell, "Give 'em a down-down!"
Take the path that's laid with hash and if you see Beer Near,
Give a little whis-tle (whistle), give a little whis-tle (whistle),
And always let the hash marks be your guide.
GUNGA'S SONG
Melody - Beverly Hillbillies Theme
Based on a true story about Gunga Dick, South Bay HHH, composed by hashers
unknown
This here's a story 'bout a man named Gunga,
He had no prick, so he had to use his tongue-a.
It was down in Houston at a Hash house Harriers' run,
A harlot straddled him and said, "Let's have some fun!"
You know . . . moustache rides . . . face smegma . . .
Well the next thing you know old Gunga's caught in the act,
The Hash folks said, "You oughtn't be lickin' that!
The pound is the place where she ought to be."
He didn't have a worry, except for VD.
You know . . . tongue rot . . . herpes sores . . .
Well, the moral told here is when you're hashing in Texas,
You ought to keep your tongue out of other people's sexes.
They thought they'd honor him for public cunnilingus,
Now Gunga's called . . . Gungalingus.
HANDSOME HASHER
Melody - Pretty Woman (Roy Orbison)
By Lady Fingers & Twinkie, Austin HHH
Handsome Hasher, running down the street,
Handsome Hasher, the kind I like to meet,
Handsome Hasher, I don't believe you, you're not true,
No one could be hung like you.
Handsome Hasher, won't you pardon me,
Handsome Hasher, I couldn't help but see,
Handsome hasher, you look horny, I can see,
Are you horny just like me?
Handsome Hasher, stop a while,
Handsome Hasher, talk a while,
Handsome Hasher, give your cock to me,
Handsome Hasher, yeh, yeh, yeh.
Handsome Hasher, say you'll come,
Handsome Hasher, say you'll come with me,
Cause I need you, I'll treat you right,
Come with me baby, be mine tonight.
Handsome Hasher, don't run on by,
Handsome Hasher, don't make me cry,
Handsome Hasher, don't run away.
OK, if that's the way it must be, OK,
I guess I'll go home and masturbate,
There'll be tomorrow night, I'll wait.
What do I see?
Is he jogging back to me?
Yes, he's jogging back to me,
Oh, oh, handsome Hasher.
HAPPY HASHER
Melody - The Happy Wanderer
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
I love to go a-hashing
Along the mountain track,
And as I go,
I love to throw
Flour from my sack..
CHORUS:
Valdaree, valdarah, valdaree,
Valdarah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Valdaree, valdarah
Throwing flour from my sack
I love to wander by the stream
That dances in the sun
So joyously
It calls to me
"Come join our happy throng."
I tip my hat to all I meet,
And they wave back to me
The blackbird call
So loud and sweet
From every dogwood tree.
High overhead the Skylark wings.
He never stays at home.
And just like me,
He loves to sing
As over the whores he roams.
Oh may I go a-hashing
Until the day I die.
Oh may I always
Drink and sing
Beneath God's clear blue sky.
HARE!
Melody - "Hair" (from the musical Hair!)
By Asshole, performed at Americas Interhash 99 in Pittsburgh
She asked me why
Why I'm a haring guy
I'm haring morning noon and nighty night night
I'm haring high and low
But don't ask me why
Cause he don't know
So give me shoes with tread
For my trail's not dead, Darling
.
Oh, Gimme a trail to hare
And I'll be your hare
Long trail, short trail I don't really care, hare!
Throw it down there, hare
Shorter length or longer, Hare
Here baby, there mama I'll be your haring daddy
Hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare!
Throw it, show it, as long as I can throw it I'll hare
I toss flour in the breeze
Which gets caught up in the weeds
If I see the pack I flee when I hare.
As I roam through the trees
I hide from the FRBs
For they are turds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder when I...
Hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare
Don't blow it, when I throw it,
As long as I can go with it I'll hare!
I throw it long, straight, curvy, wurvey,
Shiggy, shaggy, nice and nasty
hilly, easy, fleetly
Streams that gleam and sometimes toxic
Trot it, polka-dot it
Twist it, beat it, wadd it
Powdered, floured, and confettied,
mangled, tangled, spangled, and near spaghetti (junction)!
Oh say can you see
The end of my trail,
Then it's way too short!
Down a beer
Then I'm out of here
Down over here
Then over there
Don't try to shortcut it or you'll be somewhere else!
Oh, Gimme a trail to hare
And I'll be your hare
Long trail, short trail I don't really care, hare!
Throw it down there, hare
Shorter length or longer, Hare
Here baby, there mama I'll be your haring daddy
Hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare!
Throw it, show it, as long as I can throw it I'll hare
Hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare
Throw it, show it,
Long as I can throw it I'll hare
Hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare, hare!
HARRIETTE THE TATTOOED HASHER
Melody - Lydia the Tattooed Lady
Original by H. Arlen & E. T. Harburg, obscene variation by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Say have you met Harriette,
Harriette the tattooed hasher.
She has eyes that harriers adore so,
And a torso even more so.
Harriette, oh Harriette,
That sexy little vignette,
Harriette the erotic queen of tattoo.
On one tit is a mural of Adam's first screw,
Beside it a drawing of Eve's blow-job too.
And right above is her price list in blue,
You can get your rocks off with Harriette.
Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum
She can give you a view of sex in tattoos,
If you step up and tell her what.
For only a buck you can see doggies fuck,
Or sixty-nine different kinds of twat.
Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Harriette, the tattooed hasher,
When her muscles start aflexin,'
All the tattoos get an erection.
Harriette, oh Harriette,
Harriette the harlot we love,
She once swept our GM clear off his feet,
The design on her behind made his heart skip a beat,
And now a tiny bastard sucks at her teat,
For he went and fucked our Harriette.
HARRIETTES, THEY PLAY ONE
Melody - This Old Man
Harriettes, they play one,
All they want to do is cum,
CHORUS:
With a knick knack, slap her ass, poke her with my bone,
This drunk hare will stumble home.
Harriettes, they play two,
We just want to speckle you,
Harriettes, they play three,
Won't you swallow my cum for me,
Harriettes, they play four,
We like to see you on all fours,
Harriettes, they play five,
If you don't swallow you'll get hives,
Harriettes, they play six,
We just want to slap you with our dicks,
Harriettes, they play seven,
But they all just wish it was eleven,
Harriettes, they play eight,
We all know you masturbate,
Harriettes, they play nine,
All they do is whinge and whine,
Harriettes, they play ten,
We're not boys, we're harrier men,
Harriettes, they play eleven,
But all they can handle is only seven.
HAS ANYBODY SEEN R J?
Melody - Has Anybody Seen My Gal?
By Tongueless, Gypsies in the Palace HHH
Note: R J is Rong Jon, a living hash legend
Five foot two, eyes of blue
He'll always be more drunk than you.
Has anybody seen R J?
Eyes of red, almost dead,
Gutters are his favorite bed.
Has anybody seen R J?
Holy Ghost, he's the most,
Cheese and crackers when he's the host.
Has anybody seen R J?
Talk to him, he's no fool,
He'll end up floating in your swimming pool.
Has anybody seen R J?
He has written a sacred book,
A record of every drink he took,
Has anybody seen R J?
Whiskey, beer, gin, or rye,
He will come and drink you dry.
Has anybody seen R J?
He wears thorns for a crown,
Women scream when he goes down,
Has anybody seen R J?
If they nailed him to a cross,
It would be every barman's loss.
Has anybody seen R J?
SPECIAL CYPRUS VERSES:
Viking horn on his head,
Don't help much when he's in bed.
Has anybody seen R J?
In Cyprus Pecker Picker picked his pecker,
Didn't know it was a double decker.
Has anybody seen R J?
East or West, North or South,
No woman has a sorer mouth.
Has anybody seen R J?
HASH HOUSE HARRIER HOUSE
Melody - My Old Kentucky Home
By ???
The moon shines bright in the San Francisco night,
'Tis summer, the people are gay.
The hares are off and the pack is such a sight,
While waiting there they sing and play.
All around the world everywhere it is the same,
All merry, all happy and drunk.
They ran here and there chasing hash like its a game,
Then to Hash House Harrier House, they slunk.
CHORUS:
Drink some more my matey,
Oh down some beer today.
We will sing one song for the Hash House Harrier House,
And for all Hash House Harriers far away.
They hunt no more for the paper and the hares,
On meadow, the hill and the sea,
They sing no more in the circle of the hash,
We miss them now that they're with 'G.'
We lift our beers to the mem'ry of their runs,
We talk of their trails and their song.
The time has come when the hashers end their fun,
Then for Hash House Harrier House we long.
The virgins come and the trails are ever laid,
Wherever there're hares and the hounds.
Where pubs are found and the beer ever made,
The Hash House Harrier House abounds.
A few more days and we run again on the trail,
To Hash House Harrier House for ale.
HASH HOUSE HARRIER MOUNTAIN
Melody - Big Rock Candy Mountain
By Babe Thruster, Gulf Coast HHH
(Performed at Hedon 2001)
One evening as the circle broke up
And the half-minds were a playin'
Down the trail came a hasher hashin'
He said, Boys, I'm not stayin'
I'm off to a land that's far away
Beside the cold beer fountain
So come with me, we'll go and see
the Hash House Harrier Mountain
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
All the people there are cool
They celebrate Gispert's birthday
And teach hashing in their school
The police and property owners
All just smile and wave
And I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow
Where a gentle breeze blows the red dress trees
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
You can hash at no cost
The slow ones often finish first
Shortcutters all get lost
The weather's always perfect
The shiggy thick and deep
And the hills ain't tall, no snakes at all
No asphalt streets or blistered feet
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
The beer flows through the land
And it's always cold and bubbly
And it's all your favorite brand
There's a lake that's made of yucca
And hangovers don't exist
You just wake right up and fill your cup
'Cause hashers play all night and day
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
No one there's a prude
So you can sing out dirty hash songs
And hash there in the nude
You'll suddenly discover
Your body's been transformed
All the men are jocks with big long cocks
All the women fit with nice firm tits
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
(whistling)
And I'll see you all this coming fall
At the Hash House Harrier Mountain
HASH ON THE RANGE
Melody - Home on the Range
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Oh give me a home where the hasher does roam,
Where the hare and the harriette play,
Where seldom is heard a Puritan word,
And the draft beer is cold all day.
Hash, hash on the range,
Where the queer and the cantaloupe play,
Where seldom is heard a Puritan word,
And the draft beer is cold all day.
HASHER IS SMARTER
Melody - Man Smart, Woman Smarter (calypso)
Composed by Rambo, cHARLOTsville HHH
Ever since the world began, runner treat the hasher like "inferior man"
Runner hate hasher, it's clear to see
Runner think thay they, smarter than we
Oh, not me, no! but some people they say
Hashers lack the sense that the runner displays
But I say, believe me when I say,
Ther're smarter than the runners in every way
CHORUS:
That's right! The hasher is SMARTER
That's right! The hasher is smarter!
That's right! The hasher is smarter!
That's right! That's right!
Every April there's a marathon,
they run to Boston and it's VERY long
Hashers drink beer, runners drop dead -
Now you tell me which ones must be sick in the head
You see a girl when you're in a bar,
runner gets afraid that things might go too far
Hasher fucks girl, rubs it round and round
Runner so embarrassed that he's leavin' town
You reach a swamp when you're on the trail,
mud so deep that you begin to wail
Runner goes 'round, hasher march through
Runner too concerned about his clean white shoes
Some female hashers at the swimming pool,
think that to skinny dip is VERY cool
Runners stay clothed - they afraid
Their tan lines 'r black and white just like a zebra-parade!
One day we had a fantastic hash,
only problem was that we were forced to trepass
Runners confessed, hashers all lied
- - RUNNERS BE IN JAIL 'TILL THEY ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE!!!
FINAL CHORUS:
Oh, not me, no! but some people they say
Hashers lack the sense that the runner displays
But I say, believe me when I say,
Ther're smarter than the runners in every way
That's right! The hasher is SMARTER
That's right! The hasher is smarter!
That's right! The hasher is smarter!
That's right! That's right!
HASHER MEN (AND WOMEN)
Melody - This Old Man
Harriers' verses by Flying Booger, in the interest of sexual equality
(__________ = your favorite hash)
HARRIETTES' VERSES:
__________ men, they play one,
They think they have all the fun.
CHORUS:
With a knick knack, paddy whack, give themselves a bone,
__________ men have sex alone.
__________ men, they play two,
They can't get it up to screw.
__________ men, they play three,
They think they get sex for free.
__________ men, they play four,
They can't get it up to score.
__________ men, they play five,
They don't have enough sex drive.
__________ men, they play six,
Little men with little dicks.
__________ men, they play seven,
Masturbation is their heaven.
__________ men, they play eight,
They can't get their dicks in straight.
__________ men, they play nine,
They take theirs up from behind.
__________ men, they play ten,
Little boys who think they're men.
HARRIERS' VERSES:
__________ women, they play one,
They don't know how to get it on.
CHORUS:
With a knick knack, paddy whack, give themselves a tickle,
__________ women use a pickle.
__________ women, they play two,
They say, "Not now, I've got the flu."
__________ women, they play three,
They say, "Not now, I've got to pee."
__________ women, they play four,
They say, "Not now, who's at the door?"
__________ women, they play five,
They'll cut your dick off with a knife.
__________ women, they play six,
They're never satisfied with our pricks.
__________ women, they play seven,
Life without sex is their idea of heaven.
__________ women, they play eight,
They always seem to have a headache.
__________ women, they play nine,
Their sex lives are in decline.
__________ women, they play ten,
If they were better looking they might get some men.
HASHERS GO RUNNING ONE BY ONE
Melody - The Ants Go Running One By One
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
The hashers go running one by one, On-On! On-On!
The hashers go running one by one, On-On! On-On!
The hashers go running one by one,
The little one stops to shoot his cum.
And they all go running down to the ground
To get out of the shite, boom, boom, boom!
Two by two - have a screw
Three by three - take a pee
Four by four - slam a whore
Five by five - go muff dive
Six by six - pick up tricks
Seven by seven - pinch eleven
Eight by eight - masturbate
Nine by nine - do a line
Ten by ten - get laid again
HASHER'S LAMENT
Recital
By Dave "Mad Major" Marks, Bicester HHH, England
You wakey inner morny
All snuggle in yore bed,
You rubby eyes an yorney,
A poundin in yore 'ead,
"It's someday," someone seddy,
"You musket up, get reddy,
It snearly arfpasten."
You up then jolly quicky
An almose innner flash,
Still feelin somewot sicky
You off to join to join the Hash.
An very sooney arfter
You very somewhere else,
Amid the shoutsen larfter
Outside a pubic howse.
Awl roun are many bodies
All jobby upan down,
While some with big beer poddies
Are lyin' on the groun.
Then on that dredful ower
Mid lots of mild dismay,
There cums a serge of power:
The hash is onit sway.
The Hornet soun so cheery,
And on the packet run,
An sum, already weerie,
Are wish they did not cum.
A Czech pint givey breaver,
For dose who laggey hind,
While some fit eager beaver
Will see wot ecan find.
Jus den a cawl came floaty,
"I'm on won," swotit sed,
An somewhere someone gloatey
Cry "I'm on two," instead.
The pack once more togevver
Dare win and strength all gon,
But are dey finish? Never!
Cos Isaac Hunt cries, "ON!"
Our fartin, pantin army
Are strewn both wide and far.
They say we must be barmy!
They blubby right, we are!
We run thru payne an sorrow
An sometime mud a swell,
An no in that tomorrow
Our legs swill ert like ell!
When arskt "Wot mayshewdoit?"
The answer is quite clear:
The thort of cummin threw it
To a nice cool pinty beer.
BUT for "pint" read "gallon"
The timey go so farst:
You thort the pubby closeat too,
But nowitsix 'arfpast!
An so you weavy homeward,
All fuzzy in de hed,
Your dinner's in the dustbin,
An you just want your bed.
Your wifey look most unamused:
Er teeth are out and nashin'.
Why can't she seem to unnerstan'
How fit you get from HASHIN'
HASHIN'
Melody - Truckin' (Grateful Dead)
By A Nuts, Hoosier HHH, Indiana
Hashin' got my old shoes on. Keep hashin', do a down-down man.
Together, more or less on trail, just keep hashin' on.
Arrows of flour and false trails leading into a swamp.
Deep rivers, alleys, fences over which you have to jump.
Your typical hash trail is always a typical nightmare.
Hang it up and see what the on-in brings.
Shiggy slows everyone down; ivy gets you itching around;
Briars got the thorns and how; they just won't let you run, oh no.
Most of the pack that you meet on the trails speak of good beer
Most of the time they get swill and drink it all down
One of these days they know they better get goin'
Off of their butts and out on the trail with the hounds.
Hashin' do a down-down man. Once told me "You've got to play your hand"
Sometimes your cards ain't worth a dime, if you don't lay'em down,
Sometimes the trail is so plain to me;
Other times there's no flour to see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long strange check it's been.
What in the world ever became of the rat?
He got a beer gut, you know he isn't the same.
Livin' on Coors, Killian's Red, and Keystone,
All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
Hashin' up to the beer check. Been thinkin', you got to mellow slow
Takes time, you pick a place to go and just keep hashin' on.
Sittin' and starin' out of the old car window
I can see we're gonna run in the rain today.
I'd like to drink more beer before I'm on trail
But if the pack is on out, I guess I've gotta go play.
Dead drunk, passed out in the street, set up like a bowlin' pin.
Knocked down, it gets to wearing thin. They just won't let you sleep it off.
You're sick and pukin your guts and you'd like to get well
Get hungry and eat but you can't keep anything down.
I guess they can't revoke your soul for tryin'
Get out of the door, down to the bar and buy a round.
Sometimes the trail is so plain to me.
Other times there's no flour to see.
Lately it occurs to me, What a long strange check it's been.
Hashin', I'm goin on home. On-on baby, back to the on-in.
On-home, sit down and patch my bones and get back hashin' on.
On-On, get back hashin' on.
HASHIN' IN THE WOODS
Melody - Blowin' in the Wind (Bob Dylan)
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
How many trails must a hasher lay down before they call him a piss-pot?
How many hares must a harriette wet before she gets really hot?
How many times must the cock and balls fly before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is hashin' in the woods
The answer is hashin' in the woods.
How many beers must a hasher piss before it is washed to the sea?
How many beers can some people enlist before they're allowed to go pee?
How many times can a man stroke his head and pretend that she just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is hashin' in the woods
The answer is hashin' in the woods
How many times must a man lap it up before he can lick a girl dry?
How many years must one hasher cheat before he can do it on the sly?
How many down-downs will it take till he knows that too many hashers are fried?
The answer, my friend, is hashin' in the woods
The answer is hashin' in the woods.
The answer is hashin' in the woods.
HASHIN' USA
Melody - Surfin' USA (Beach Boys)
By See Men Inspect Her, Aloha HHH; contributed by Thighmaster
If everybody was a hasher
Across the USA
Then everybody could be runnin'
The Aloha way
You'd see em wearin' their headbands
Blowin' whistles too!
Some shiggy shiggy good trail now
Hashin' USA
You'd catch 'em runnin' at Schofield
And in Ewa too
Hawaii Kai and Kaena
Honolulu Zoo
All over Manoa
And Waimea Bay
Everybody's gone hashin'
Hashin' USA
We'll all be plannin' that trail, yeah
We're gonna hare real soon
Wear your brand new shoes, man
When's the next Full Moon?
We'll all be gone for Volcano
But some are sure to stay
Tell the officer we're hashin'
Hashin' USA
Visitors and Virgins
Drink beer and get lei'd!
It's all here in Hawaii
Forget about L.A.
All over the island
We are here to say
Everybody's gone hashin'
Hashin' USA!
HEADED OUT TO ORLANDO
Melody - Come Monday (Jimmy Buffet)
Contributed by Dr D, performed by Dr D and Sit On My Face at InterAmerica's Hash
'95 in Orlando
Headed out to Orlando
For the Labor day InterHash
I've got my muddy shoes on
I guess I never was meant for running marathons
Hey fellows, I didn't know
But If she's willing to go
Down on me, I'll be all right
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight
CHORUS:
I've spent four awesome days
In the shiggy Everglades
And I just want to drink some more beer!
Yes, it's been quite a weekend
Empty kegs and piss in the pool
And now we're off to the hot tub
For Jammies toe sucking school
Hey darlin', it's hard don't you know
That's the reason I need you to go
Down on me, and I'll be all right
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight
I can't help it honey,
I laughed at your pussy fart sound
Remember that night in the stairwell
When we thought there'd be no-one around
I hope you're enjoying the sucking
I swear I won't cum in your mouth
I promise I'll look you up darlin'
Next time that I'm headed down south
Thank you m'am, what a pleasure it's been
Could you tell me your hash name again? (as you go)
Down on me, I'll be all right
Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight
I AM A HASHER, HOW 'BOUT YOU?
Melody - Yankee Doodle Dandy
By Catwoman, Dayton HHH
I'm a dirty smelly hasher, chasing hares is what I do.
I check down trails in the afternoon, drink by the light of the moon.
I love mud and blood and brambles, toxic waste and smelly goo.
Dirty shoes and bloody knees and a real bad case of scabies,
I am a hasher, how 'bout you?
I'm a drunken beer soaked hasher, draining kegs is what I do.
For breakfast I must have some oatmeal stout, for lunch it's a Guinness or two.
For dinner I must do some thinking, Sam's or Pete's or maybe microbrew.
But when I'm hashing give me Schaeffers, give me Busch or Miller,
Cause I am a drunken hasher. Are you a drunken hasher?
I am a drunken hasher too.
I'm a horny sex-starved hasher, chasing tail is what I do.
I came to (Dayton) just to get a lay, ended up (screwing a ewe) or (with
PayPerView),
I love kinky sex and spankings, naval shots and butt chugs too.
Give me dildoes, give me butt plugs, give me whips and bondage.
Cause I am a horny hasher! Are you a horny hasher?
I am a horny hasher too!
I LOVE TO HAVE A BEER WITH __________
Melody - I love to Have a Beer With Duncan (Slim Dusty)
By Hazukashii, Hasher at Large
I love to have a beer with Sky Queen,
I love to have a beer with Queen,
We drink in moderation,
God knows what its doin' to my spleen,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Sky Queen,
Because Sky Queen's me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Flying Booger,
I love to have a beer with Boog,
We drink in moderation,
And sometimes we may chug,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Booger,
Because Booger's me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Zippy,
I love to have a beer with Zip,
We drink in moderation,
As hares we give 'em the slip,
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Zippy,
Because Zippy's me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts,
I love to have a beer with CC,
We drink in moderation,
But I often have to pee.
We drink at the Down-Down circle,
Where the atmosphere is great,
I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts,
Because Cold Cuts' me mate.
Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho
And On & On, make up your own. . .
I WANT A NASTY LITTLE HASHER PRINCESS
Melody - I Want a Nasty Little Jewish Princess (Frank Zappa)
By Loud Bloody Bitch, Panama City HHH
I want a nasty little hasher princess
With long phony nails and a hairdo that rinses
A horny little hasher princess
With a garlic aroma that could level Tacoma
Pausing on the trail side
So that she can swallow my pride
I want a steamy little hasher princess
With a hash sniffing nose who knows where it goes
I want a hairy little hasher princess
With overworked gums who squeaks when she comes
I don't want not troll - I just want a harriette hole
I want a darling little hasher princess
Who don't know shit about cooking, who is abhorrent looking
An on-on little hasher princess
To specifically happen with a pee pee that's snappin'
All up inside
I just want a harriette ride
I want a funky little hasher princess
A grind 'em up humper with a pre-moistened dumper
A brazen little hashing princess
With titanic tits and sand blasted zits
She can even be slow
As long as she does it with four on the flo'
I wanna dainty little hashing' princess
With a couple of sisters who can raise some blisters
A fragile little hashing princess
Wish shiggy scarred thighs
She knows where true trail lies
For two or three nights
Won't some one send me a harriette who bites?
IF I ONLY HAD HALF A BRAIN
Melody - If I Only Had a Brain (The Wizard of Oz)
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
I could hash away the hours, runnin' through the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my balls I'd be scratchin' while my friends were busy hashin'
If I only had half a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,
Doubled over or in pain.
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' you could be another Clinton
If you only had half a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why The Dogman never scores.
I'd do lots of things, I'd never done outdoors.
And then I'd sit, and drink some more.
It would not be just a hash' my head all full of trash'
My shoes all full of rain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be so fuckin' merry,
If I only had half a brain.
IF I WERE KING OF THE HASH HOUSE
Melody - If I Were King of the Forest (The Wizard of Oz)
By Flying Booger
If I were King of the Hash House,
Not GM, not OnSec, not Scribe,
The membership of my Hash House,
Would be wimmin, not children, not men.
I'd command Harriettes, brunette and blonde,
With a down and a down of my royal beer!
As I'd click my heel, all the broads would kneel,
And they'd lift their shirts, and their breasts they'd bare,
And they'd worship, my regal staff . . .
If I - if I - were King!
IMAGINE
Melody Imagine (John Lennon)
Composed by Hashing Hops
Imagine there's no circle
It's easy if you try
No hell to give us
Before us only beer
Imagine all the hashers
Drinking for today
Imagine there's no hashit
It isn't hard to do
No more violations
And no Religious Advisor
Imagine all the hashers
Drinking beer in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And get off our waiting list
Imagine no Budweiser
Or beer that comes in cans
No need for geeks or bimbos
A hash comprised of men
Imagine all the hashers
Drinking all the beer
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And get off our waiting list
I'VE BEEN LAYING OUT A HASH TRAIL
Melody - I've Been Working on the Railroad
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
I've been laying out a hash trail
All the livelong day
I've been laying out a hash trail
Just to pass the time away
Can't you hear the whistles blowing
Runners up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the hashers shouting
Dinah, blow my horn
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow my horn
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow my horn
Someone's at the beer near with Dinah
Someone's at the beer near I know
Someone's at the beer near with Dinah
Humping on my old girl Ho, and singing
Fie, fi, infidelity
Fie, fi, infidelity
Fie, fi, infidelity
Humping on my old girl Ho.
I'VE GOT THAT HASHING SPIRIT
Melody - I've Got that Scouting Spirit
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
I've got that hashing spirit down in my head,
Down in my head, down in my head.
I've got that hashing spirit down in my head,
Down in my head to stay.
She's got that hashing spirit deep in her throat, etc . . .
We've got that hashing spirit deep in the woods, etc . . .
We've got that hashing spirit all over us, etc . . .
I'VE GOT THE CLAP AGAIN
Melody - Those Were the Days
Once upon a time I was a Hasher,
Used to down an Anker Bir or two,
Remember how I laughed away the hours,
Dreaming of the whores that I would screw.
Every Monday evening I'd go Hashing,
Sometimes I'd short cut along the way,
But I'd always stay late at the On-On,
Where you'd often hear a Hasher say:
CHORUS:
I've got the clap again,
I really should refrain,
K-25, the Club, and Tanamour.
I've got the pills to use,
I must lay off the booze,
I've got the clap, oh yes, I've got the clap.
One night to the Hash there came a beauty,
A thing that's quite unusual to do.
But something made me think this girl was different,
It must have been the tattoos on her boobs.
She wore hot pants and see-through T-shirt,
Sipped her beer through rosy choo-choo lips.
All the men began to get excited,
At the sight of that young lady's swollen tits.
Five o'clock Hashmaster got his horn out,
Everybody else put theirs away.
Then I got myself into position,
Where I could see her lovely buttocks sway.
She short-cut and I short-cut behind her,
Wondering if tonight I'd be in luck.
Heard her calling "On-On" from the bushes,
And I knew right then that we were going to fuck.
This girl showed me that she was no novice,
Her repertoire of tricks sure made me sweat.
I came, she came, then we came together,
And our juices flowed till we were soaking wet.
Made our way back finally to the circle,
Watching smiling faces turning green.
Could it be that they were only jealous,
Or could it be they knew she wasn't clean?
Drove her home that night, she lived in Ancol,
Arranged that this should be a regular thing.
But then one week later at the On-On,
I took a piss and felt that tell-tale sting.
Now Dr. Budi has a Monday practice,
He's got a special clinic on the Hash.
So that we all can have our weekly check-ups,
And find out just what caused that nasty rash.
I'VE ONLY HALF A BRAIN
Melody - If I Only Had a Brain (The Wizard of Oz)
By Jim "Whiff" Montgomery of the Pittsburgh HHH, officially premiered at the
Eerie (Erie, PA) HHH 1st Anniversary Hash in July 1994
I could wile away the hours,
Searchin' hills for flour,
Across a wide terrain.
I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful,
If my stomach had a beerful,
'Cause I've only half a brain.
With my arms and legs akimbo,
I'll be chasing after bimbos,
Through mud, thorns, and rain.
I'll be making lots of passes,
As I fondle all their asses,
'Cause I've only half a brain.
CHORUS:
I'll do down-downs till the keg begins to spit,
Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit,
I'll impress the women with my charming wit,
As I shout out, "Show us your tits!"
Then my beer I will be sharing,
With them as their breast they're baring,
Our urges unrestrained
Oh, our language will be rude as,
We exchange bod-i-ly fluids,
'Cause we've only half a brain.
JUNGLE SMELL
Melody - Jingle Bells
Jungle smell, jungle smell,
Shiggy all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run
Through a swamp on Sunday - Hey!
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way,
All those SCBs,
Cursing all the way.
Dashing through the jungle,
Following hash all the way,
All those drunken SCBs,
Cursing all the way.
JUNGLE SWALLOWS
Melody - Jingle Bells
By JAG-Off, Biloxi H3 & Grind Slut, Houston H3
CHORUS:
Jungle Swallows, Jungle Swallows
Takes it all the way
Oh what fun, it is to cum
In Jungle's open face . . . Hey! (repeat)
When you pull out your tool,
She knows just what to do
If your prick is big or small
She'll deep throat 'em all
Splashing on her nose
With my big fat pulsing hose
James thinks he's first
But we all know
That Biloxi quenched her thirst! Hey!
KEEP ON HASHING (Regardless of 1997)
Melody - I Don't Want to Join the Army
Note: this is a Hong Kong hashing song by Malibog. He offers the following
explanation: "PADS is the Port and Airport Development Strategy, which China has
resisted to prevent Hong Kong spending its stored billions in reserves. China
would prefer Hong Kong pass over the $ at the handover of sovereignty in 1997.
Obviously we want to spend it, so we can all make some money. 'Gweilo' is a
derogatory Chinese expression for Westerner meaning 'white ghost.' Maggie (I
gave it away, I can take it back) Thatcher (or our Wanchai Hash Grand Mistress
Maggie Reynolds - just as dangerous in command). Hong Kong Hashes mentioned:
Monday - Kowloon Men's Hash. Tuesday - the Old Tarts (ladies hash). Wednesday -
Little Sai Wan (mixed hash). Thursday - The SouthSide Gentlemen's Hash. There
are no Friday or Saturday evening Hashes because we don't want to be too
hangover on the following days our days off. Sunday - The Wanch Hash, Wan Chai
(hangovers on Monday are mandatory)."
I got the shits with Mainland China,
I got the shits with them old boys you see,
When your on the PADS you know,
You shouldn't screw the lads,
Stuffing up the earnings of our gweilo package.
I know how to cope with these frustrations,
And it could be called a Carlsberg jamboree,
Why can't we stay with England?
With merry merry England,
And get a lease for one more century.
So we go . . .
CHORUS:
Monday hashing with the he-men,
Tuesday hashing with the girls,
By Wednesday I'm a mess, Little Sai Wan, I confess,
Drinking all the earnings of my gweilo package;
Thursday - the Gentlemen of the SouthSide,
And to The Wanch for some more therapy,
Why can't we stay with England?
With merry merry England,
And get a lease one more century.
We don't want to be in China
We don't want to work for yuan
We'd rather hang around, Hong Kong dollar or the Pound
Living off the earnings of our gweilo package;
Won't spend our days on a two-weeler
Won't spend our evenings drinking tea!
We'd rather stay with England
With merry merry England
And get a lease for one more century
So we go . . . (chorus)
They say it is a doomed territory
They say they'll push us Brits into the sea,
I called up my Mother, my sister, and my brother
They said, "You can't live with me!"
I don't want to join the party
I don't want to be a man called Wong!
I just want to go down, to old Wanchai
Spend up all the earnings of my Gweilo package;
I don't want no mainland women
'Cause Hong Kong's full of girls I haven't had
I just want to stay with England
With merry merry England
And colonize the place, just like my Dad.
And he went . . . (chorus)
We don't want to call the army
We don't want to go to war
We'd rather hang around, build an airport, on our ground
Building up the earnings of our Gweilo package;
There's a lot some people take for granted
There's a lot of politicking yet to come
But with Maggie and with Taiwan
We could push the border back to Canton
But with their "A" bomb, I 'spose that's kind of dumb.
Cause there'd be . . .
No more hashing with the he-men
No more hashing with the girls
By Wednesday, what a mess, all that fall-out, I confess
The living would be frying, in that thermal package;
No more gents, no more South-side
So everybody get down on your knees
Be careful will ya England
Real careful careful England
And ask 'em nicely for an airport please!
LAST HASH RUN
Melody - Please, Please (Beatles)
Composed by members of Edmonton HHH
Last night I ran my last hash run,
We ran and ran it was so much fun,
(leader): On On
(pack): On On
(four times)
Please, please hash with me, I'll sleep with you.
They said to always wear protection,
I didn't care, I had an erection,
(leader): Scratch Scratch
(pack): Scratch Scratch
(four times)
Please, please scratch my itch, I'll scratch yours too.
They gave me a special kind of lotion (on on on on on on on)
It burns my palm when I do the motion,
(leader): On On
(pack): On On
(four times)
Please, please hash with me, I'll hash with you.
Six bottles later with no improvement,
Hash doctors say they must remove it,
(leader): Cut Cut
(pack): Ow Ow
(four times)
Oh please raise your stein, in memory of mine!
LEAVING ON A HASH RUN
Melody - Leaving on a Jet Plane
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
All my flours packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to tank you up and say goodbye
But the trail is breakin', its early morn'
The hash is waiting, they're blowin' the horn
Already I'm so thirsty I could cry.
CHORUS:
So chase me and cheer for me
Tell me that you'll leer for me
Chase me like you really want me so
I'm leavin' on a hash run
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, beer, I hate to go.
There's so many times I've laid flour down
So many times I've screwed around
I tell you now, It's the best damned thing
Every place I hash, I think of you
Every down I do, I do for you
When I come back, I'll wear your cock ring.
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me frig you
Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way.
Dream about the hash to come
When I won't have to hash alone
About the times, I won't have to say, (chorus)
LIKE A GEEZER WHO HAS SINNED
Melody - Like a Candle in the Wind
By Major Fuckin' Bonehead, sung to Bill "Nookey" Gilroy by the Edmonton H3 pack
on the occasion of his 2nd annual 69th Birthday Party, November 1999
Goodbye Bill Gilroy . . . though you never knew youth at all.
You had your cane to hold yourself . . . while most of us still crawled.
We crawled to your seniors lodge . . . and we whispered into your brain.
We ran you on our hash-trails . . . and we made you change your name.
And it seems to me you lived your life . . . like a geezer who has sinned.
Never knowing who to drool on . . . when old age set in.
Edison would have liked to have known you . . . but he was just a kid.
Your sex drive burned out long before . . . his light bulb ever did.
Alzheimer's was tough . . . as tough as never getting laid.
EH3 created a superstar . . . and gout was the price you paid.
Even when you died . . . oh the press still hounded you.
All the HashTrash had to say . . . was that Nookey was found in the Nude!
And it seems to me you lived your life . . . like a geezer who has sinned.
Never knowing who to drool on . . . when old age set in.
Edison would have liked to have known you . . . but he was just a kid.
Your sex drive burned out long before . . . his light bulb ever did.
Goodbye Bill Gilroy . . . though you never knew youth at all.
You had your cane to hold yourself . . . while most of us still crawled.
Goodbye Bill Gilroy . . . from the virgin on their 22nd beer.
Who sses you as something more than sexual . . . More than just a little bit
queer!
And it seems to me you lived your life . . . like a geezer who has sinned.
Never knowing who to drool on . . . when old age set in.
Edison would have liked to have known you . . . but he was just a kid.
Your sex drive burned out long before . . . his light bulb ever did.
Your sex drive burned out long before . . . his light bulb ever did.
THE LONELIEST HARE
Melody - Unknown
Written by Specklebird for Second City HHH
Once there was a hasher not unlike you or me
Who had to hare on a cold December twenty-three,
For sad was his mood
The turnout was not good
Everyone was home decorating the tree.
He pouted at the bar with his brew
Wearing his sweats and a shirt and his shoes ,
"Where are they at?
It's a well-laid trail at that,"
But the date and the weather gave clue.
In Chicago, it's too cold to hash to-day,
Perhaps not in California or Texas or Floriday,
Up here it's sub "O"
Bitter winds doth blow
And the skies are a dark, cloudy gray.
But, lo, at halfway to four
Two hashers walked thru the door
Followed by two more,
Three more then four more
Through the door hashers continued to pour.
More hashers walked into the bar for their brew
A grand total of twenty-two,
Beer was poured,
Some songs they roared,
The lonely hasher's elation grew.
"On Out" was called with a tweet
All hashers then got to their feet
They left the bar's heat
To gather in the street
The hare said the trail would be neat.
The hare was overjoyed, he was glad,
What a grand turnout he had!
A promised great trail
A fun time would prevail
As a hare he would not fail (because that would be bad).
So grand was his rapture, his luck,
He danced and kicked and danced and bucked,
He followed the hounds across the street
All while kicking up his feet
And then got hit by a delivery truck.
Now the loneliest hare is dead and cold
And the moral to this story I am told,
You will never fail
If you set a great trail
But look both ways before crossing that road!
MOONING IN THE SUN
Melody - Seasons in the Sun
Chorus originally written by Dimitri "Dim Sum" Kieffer, Puget Sound HHH; verses
were added by Stray Dog
I went down South to get some sun,
To the Bike Week Hash to have some fun,
I just joined the hash to run.
I didn't know they'd really care,
If I mooned them over there.
CHORUS:
We had joy, we had fun,
We went mooning in the sun.
But the cops, they had guns,
And they shot us in the buns.
The cops they came from down the street,
I couldn't get my pants up from my feet,
Grabbing cloth from my back seat.
They were gaining on me quick,
I was feeling kind of sick.
The bikers hollered to me "Stop!"
I felt a sting and heard a big loud "Pop!"
And then I knew it was the cop.
In the ass he hit my pride,
Down I went, I thought I'd died.
The hashers came to give me cheer,
To my bed they brought a keg of beer,
I grabbed a cup and held it dear.
The cop outside began to shout,
"Leave my prisoner and get out!"
I was moved though still quite pale,
The judge said "Give him thirty days in jail!"
I was put into a cell.
When bikers saw my bun,
I was safe from all their fun.
The moral of this story's clear,
Stick to hashing and to drinking beer,
I'll never moon again, don't fear.
For when you get shot in the ass,
Your mooning days are over fast.
MORGAN'S PIES
Melody - Jingle Bells
Contributed by Dennis "Mu-Sick" Gill, Ft Walton Beach HHH, Florida
Dashing down the road,
With a cooler full of pies,
It's a heavy load,
But it's for us guys.
CHORUS:
Oh, Morgan's pies, Morgan's pies,
Morgan, you're a dick.
When we eat your fucking pies,
We gety fucking sick.
I ate a Morgan pie,
A down-down I did do,
Now I've got that fucking pie,
Caked upon my shoe.
His moped has arrived,
Fiesta time is right,
What fun it is to eat and puke,
Some Morgan's putrid pies.
We sing this little song,
We sing it just for you,
Now we think it's only right,
That you should eat one too.
MOUNT BONNELL
Melody - Blueberry Hill
(Mount Bonnell is a favorite Austin HHH on-on site)
I had my fill,
On Mount Bonnell,
On Mount Bonnell,
When I had you.
The moon stood still,
On Mount Bonnell,
And lingered until,
Myself came true.
Tho' we're apart,
I'm a part of you still,
For you weren't on the pill,
On Mount Bonnell.
MY BIG BANANA # 1
Melody - Daylight Come and I Want to Go Home
Lyrics by Cracker, Ankara HHH
I said to my girl, "What are ya' doin' tomorrow?"
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Would you like to go on the Hash in ________?
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
So, I picked her up in my little auto.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
She sure looked pretty, I said "Oh mama."
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
CHORUS:
Daaaaaaeeeoh, daaaaaaeeeeoh,
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
But this is where my troubles began-ah.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
That's when she spotted my big banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
She leaned over and grabbed my banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Peeled back the skin - eyes like a piranha.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Chorus
I said, "Oh no, not my prize banana!"
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
But she bit off the top in a violent manner.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Now, I've got just a little banana.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
And that's the end of my family planner.
Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home.
Chorus
MY BIG BANANA # 2
Melody - Daylight Come and I Want to Go Home
Contributed by Mr. Bean, Bandung HHH
I said to this girl, "What are ya' doin' tomorrow?"
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Would you like to see a Hash at the Tankuban Perahu?
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
So, I picked her up in my antique auto.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
She sure looked pretty, I said "Oh mama."
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
CHORUS:
Daaaaaaeeeoh, daaaaaaeeeeoh,
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
But this is where my troubles began-ah.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
That's when she spotted my big banana.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
She leaned over and grabbed my banana.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Peeled back the skin - eyes like a piranha.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Chorus
I said, "Oh no, not my prize banana!"
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
But she bit off the top in a violent manner.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Now, I've got just a little banana.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
And that's the end of my family planner.
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Chorus
I say six inch, seven inch, eight inch, CHOMP!
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
I say six inch, seven inch, Mike Tyson, CHOMP!
I pergi Hash now I wanna go home.
Chorus
O HARRIETTE
Melody O Tannenbaum
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
O Harriette, O Harrietet,
As all the guys will witness:
O Harriette, O Harriette,
You fill our pants with stiffness!
You are so lovely, you break our hearts,
But you sure do swell our other parts!
O Harriette, O Harriette,
You fill our pants with stiffness!
O Harriette, O Harriette,
She's the model of fitness.
O Harriette, O Harriette,
You fill our pants with stiffness!
You need a kiss? Well, that's all right.
Just don't ask Thurston, what a fright!
O Harriette, O Harriette,
You fill our pants with stiffness!
ODE TO A HASHER
Melody - Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
Contributed by Chorizo
Starkle Starkle little twink,
Who the hell are you I think,
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
A few brewkies make a guy,
Fool so feelish, don't know why,
Really don't know who's me yet,
The drunker I stay the longer I get,
So just one more to fill my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
ODE TO COMMODE FOR THE FLOUNDER
Melody - Unknown
by Tortus, Samurai HHH
In the beginning,
Before there was HASH,
Saturday's were boring
As householder's tasks.
Washing the cars,
Cleaning the glasses
Trimming the kids
And wiping their asses.
Back in the year of
Eighty and five,
A brain-phart was born
That is still alive.
Out from the classroom
The shout, "now he's farted."
And with a foul breeze
The Samurai, Milt started.
From a cadre demented
That numbered a few,
Uncle Milty, Gympy and
Chucky-Choo-Choo.
The antics, ideas, and
Concepts he cheered
Took root, were nourished
And grew wild on beer.
Let's live life, be happy,
Run trail til you drop
If the terrain is too hilly
Just find a beer stop.
Up steps, climb a fence,
Dodge a truck, cross a river
Drink it down, Samurai Chief,
Maybe hurl, kill your liver.
The pack swells to 90
And the temperatures, too
As the pack's in pursuit
Of elusive cool brew.
A chorus, a cry as one from the pack,
"Could this be a CB?"
"Where the f**k are we?"
"Is this a back track?"
So Saturday's have purpose,
We have something to do,
And dear Uncle Milty
It's all thanks to YOU!
ONCE A BLOODY HASHMAN
Melody - Waltzing Matilda
Once a bloody Hashman fell into a shiggy-pit,
Tripped on the edge of a benjo ditch,
And he hummed and he stank as he swallowed all that shiggy-pit,
I'll never see Beer Near, said he.
CHORUS:
Short-cutting bastard, short-cutting bastard,
I'll never short-cut again, said he.
And he stank as he sank and wallowed in that shiggy-pit,
Who'll come a'running the Hash with me?
Up jumped a papa-san screaming most hysterically,
You can't run through my cane, said he,
That's my jolly shiggy-pit you've got in your underpants,
That will cost you tak-san yen, one, two, three.
Out climbed the Hashman, dripping very smellily,
You'll never get your kitty from me,
And he squelched and he oozed as the papa-san he ran away,
Who'll come a'running the Hash with me?
Now his voice may be heard As he runs the trail so all-alone,
Please, please, please blow your whistle for me,
But the pack, far ahead, is hiding very craftily,
Back to your shiggy-pit and let us be.
ONLY REAL MEN RUN THE SOUTHSIDE
Melody - Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland
By Malibog, Angeles City HHH
Lacy things, have gone missing,
Didn't ask her permission,
They're wearing her clothes, her silk panty-hose,
And running 'round in womens' underwear.
CHORUS:
Okay guys, if you wanna,
You can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade, make a SouthSide parade,
Go running 'round in womens' underwear.
On ET, there is a teddy,
Little straps, like spaghetti,
It hugs him real tight like Primo's handcuffs at night,
He's running 'round in womens' underwear.
The SouthSide GM, he's a fancy fella,
He likes to put them onto auto-pay,
About blokes in dresses - he says "No way!
"But running in your high heels, that's Okay."
Over the hills, see them coming,
SouthSide Hashers are running,
Dressed up like Bo-Peep, cause they're all into sheep,
And running 'round in womens' underwear.
On SouthSide Hash, there's a guy called Panda,
He likes to pretend that he's not gay,
He says, "Are you ready?" We say, "No way!
Well - do you think these shoes will be okay?"
Come and join SouthSide Hashers,
They don't mind if you're flashers,
They'll dress you all up, put on a "B" cup,
And run around in womens' underwear.
(Slower)
For they're not adverse,
To dressing reverse,
And running 'round in womens' underwear.
OUR GM
Melody - The Halls of Montezuma
Contributed by Sodbuster, Copenhagen HHH
There's a man we call our GM,
Who's brave & fine & mad,
And we'll follow him forever,
Though his mental state is bad.
We'll run for him in sunshine,
We'll run for him in rain,
Though we know he's got a swelling,
On the front part of his brain.
Oh, he may have little black-outs,
But they're only fairly slight,
He has moments of depression,
When the Hares don't get it right.
He's got all the classic symptoms,
Of advanced mental decay,
Still we'll kill ourselves for GM,
Despite all the doctors say.
THE OUT OF TOWNER
Melody - The Battle of New Orleans
Composed by Flamin' Asshole, Emerald Coast HHH; contributed by M.I.A.
We jumped into our auto and we headed out of town,
Why were you born so beautiful, you better drink it down.
We pulled into the parking lot, it didn't take us long,
To jump out of our autos and sing this bloody song.
CHORUS:
We found cold beer so we all began a'drinkin',
The beer was pretty tasty, so we thought we'd have some more.
The hours passed by and we kept on bloody drinkin',
We're not leavin' till we're heavin' and we've passed out on the floor.
We met up with the hashers who invited us to here,
To fornicate and copulate and drink their bloody beer.
We kissed and hugged the hashers who had come from near and far,
We heard the cries of "On On" coming from a distant bar.
The hares had just departed and had started laying trail,
When the cops surrounded us and said we all are goin' to jail.
We climbed into the paddy wagon, locked inside the cavern,
But when the doors flew open we were at another tavern.
(And the hares laughed so . . . )
We circled up for Down Downs and to sing another song,
When something started telling us there must be something wrong.
Our bellies started growling they they needed liquid grub,
So we put away the food and went to chug inside the pub.
We went on to the On On On to have a rowdy time,
But all that we could gather from our pockets was a dime.
We put our heads together and thought that we could scrounge,
The money it would take to get a beer inside the lounge.
We packed our bags and loaded up to get away from there,
When someone in the crowd yelled out, "We found some more cold beer!"
We couldn't leave the ice cold beer 'cause it would be a sin,
We downed our beer and started home but wound up at an inn.
OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS
Melody - Over the River and Through the Woods
Contributed by Access Denied, Maryland Dirt Road HHH
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
This trail really sucks,
The pack's out of luck,
Why are we in Mexico?
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
If we find the hare,
We'll strip him all bare,
And into the creek he will go!
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
If we find the On-In,
The Down-Downs begin,
A singin' and drinkin' show.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
We'll pass 'round the jug,
And fill up our mug,
As the beer and the whisky flow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
I asked her for sex,
She said I was next,
After Larry, Curley and Moe.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
She wanted a bed,
I asked for some head,
She obliged me with a blow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
I tripped on a rock,
And busted my cock,
It needs Viagra to grow.
Over the river and through the woods,
Down the hashing trail we go;
When you can't have sex,
And your girl is your ex,
Give your thumb and fingers a go.
THE OZZY MAN
Melody Candy Man
by BlowHo
Who can take a bat (repeat)
Bite off its head (repeat)
Then go upstairs and tuck his kids in bed, his kids in bed?
The Ozzy Man can, the Ozzy man can,
The Ozzy Man can, cause he mixes it with crack
And makes your head spin round, your head spin round.
Who can take a dove (repeat)
Bite off its head (repeat)
Then do a down-down while worshiping the dead, worshiping the dead?
The Ozzy Man can, the Ozzy man can,
The Ozzy Man can, cause he mixes it with crack
And makes your head spin round, your head spin round.
BRIDGE:
The Ozzy Man can, the Ozzy Man can
Looks a little like your brother
Scares the shit out of your mother.
There can never be another.
Who has more tattoos (repeat)
Than any man can (repeat)
That's why Rumpled Foreskin is his biggest fan, his biggest fan.
The Ozzy Man can, the Ozzy man can,
The Ozzy Man can, cause he mixes it with crack
And makes your head spin round, your head spin round.
Long N Hard will do it (repeat)
With any man she can (repeat)
But even she has standards, she won't fuck the Ozzy Man, fuck the Ozzy Man.
Not the Ozzy Man, not the Ozzy Man,
Not the Ozzy Man, cause he's really really weird
And he won't go down, he won't go down.
The Ozzy Man can, the Ozzy man can
Looks a little like your brother
Scares the shit out of your mother.
There can never be another.
PEOPLE IN PINK TUTUS
Melody - The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers
Composed by Flying Booger upon the occasion of San Francisco HHH's Pink Tutu
Hash, May '95
The wonderful thing about people in pink tutus,
People in pink tutus are a wonderful thing,
Their dicks are sheathed in rubber,
Their tampons have wonderful strings.
They're bouncy, wouncy, trouncy, flouncy,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about people in pink tutus is . . .
I'm NOT the only one!
PORNO PRICK
Melody - Grinch Song
By JAG-Off, Biloxi HHH
You're a mean one,
Porno Prick.
Just a snotty English twat,
You're probably a transvestite,
Take it up the ass all night,
Porno Prick.
You're just a slimey English Dick.
Drink it down down down down . . .
RAP IT UP!
Melody - Generic Rap Noise
Composed by Broomhilda, Long Beach HHH, to commemorate LBHHH Run # 503, May 26,
1994
The name of the 'hood is Rolling Hills
Here come the Hastas looking for
(cheap) SHEEP THRILLS.
EZ was early - tryin' to pay his dough,
Dirty Something had his rugrat in tow.
Pile Driver said he ran here from home,
Chum tried to get her husband to cum . . .
Riff Raff and Boobs were early this time,
Said "If Tuna's the hare, gimme back my dime."
Tuna Taco announced, "A to A run,"
There he goes, spoilin' Walkin' Small's fun.
Tuna was off at 6:32,
His tights were red, but his shirt was blue.
LA/LB . . . whose turf was he in?
Either way he'd fit right in.
CHORUS:
Our turf is wide - LAX to Beach,
No alley or valley is beyond our reach.
This hash ain't dope, this hash is good,
Each Thursday night we trash a different hood.
So Tuna is off and taggin' the street,
Just follow the chalk marks at our feet.
To quote Shortstrokes, the concept is clear,
Follow the graffiti to the beer.
The run headed west thru some fancy hood,
Passing Wind passed me, movin' real good.
I gossiped with Luftswine 'bout C.Q. weddin' illin',
Then we came to a check and some down-hillin'.
Off trail we followed Scooter and Lipo down,
Wished I had some bread crumbs to throw on the ground.
Then up the streets and Via Pavo,
(Hey - is that Spanish for "paved road?")
Found some trail, then shortcut again,
To a scenic viewpoint just 'round the bend.
No flour, no whistles, no runners in sight,
We might be in for a long, lost night.
At the corner where Newton and Hawthorne meet,
There we found arrows at our feet.
We tagged the ground, 7:23,
PH, LS, BH - the SCBs.
Hey, that's short-cuttin' bimbos to you,
When you're slow and sneaky, what else can you do?
Turned a corner - whoop - there it is!
We don't wanna mess with this chicken biz.
(Long Beach HHH drinks Down Downs from a rubber chicken - F.B.)
So we hid 'hind a Beemer till Spanks came through,
She thinks she's the wiener, but we know the truth!
And while we're at it, let's get something straight,
These girls in the hood all beat their mates.
At the end there was plenty to hear and to see,
Fruit said "We don't circle jerk here in LBHHH."
I asked someone what we had missed,
He said the good stuff went like this -
True trail ran by the Begonia Garden,
Where the fertilzer smelled like someone fartin'.
Is Begonia related to Petunia Taco?
She might be his sister, but we don't know.
At the rocket ship beer check, there was nothin' to fear,
Helter Skelter and EZ were guardin' the beer.
AT&T passes out some greasy fries,
From In 'n' Out Burger to all of the guys.
She hears that A. Tourist owned eight cars,
"Gosh, is he married?" - her eyes were like stars.
Repeat chorus
Back at the finish we were all chillin',
It's Down Down time and the hashers were willin'.
The usual crowd of returners was big,
Is new boot Mike a Marine in a wig?
Luftswine drank for her 500th mile,
and Mongo won't do it Doggie Style.
She said, "Our sex life has become really phony."
He said, "Don't complain, I bought you a pony."
The Hashit is Chum's, but wait, have you heard?
Lipo and So. Baptits just did the M word.
And now that's over, it's On On time,
That's the story, all told in rhyme.
So say what you will about this rap,
You might think it's nothin' but crap.
All in all the trail was nothin' to dis,
And I'm just a bitch with PMS . . .
SHE AIN'T GONNA FUCK NO MORE
Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic
My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the whore,
Who had fucked all round Jakarta, but had never come before,
She'd fuck and suck most anything and she had a running sore,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
CHORUS:
Gory, gory, hallelujah,
Gory, gory, hallelujah,
Gory, gory, hallelujah,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
She hung around the Tankard and she danced at Tanamour,
And with all the fucking that she'd done, she'd never come before,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
She almost quit then in despair, but then she had a flash,
She said "I've tried most everything, but haven't tried the HASH!
And all those wankers are so pissed up, they'll never see the rash,"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
And so one steaming Monday night, she found the Anker truck,
She could see by the crazed looks in their eyes that she would have some luck,
So she strolled into the circle and challenged anyone to a fuck,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The Hash Master was in control and so he stepped up first,
But sadly the man had drunk too much and overquenched his thirst,
When he pulled his flaccid penis out, she laughed like she would burst,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The Joint Hash Masters took a turn, they stepped up one by one,
But with each prick she gave a sigh, for still she hadn't come,
She said, "You're no good at fucking, you'd best go back and run,"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The Masters of Music tried their hands but couldn't do a thing,
One was so tired from running, all that he could do was sing,
The other tried a shortcut, got his prick lost in her ring,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
Hash Cash stepped hard into the fray and tried to fill the breach,
But when he put it up inside she said it wouldn't reach,
So she grabbed the Secretary and she sucked him like a leech,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The Scribe stepped up and cried, "The pen is mightier than the sword,"
But when he jumped upon her she just lay there looking bored,
She said, "You're really nothing when you've whored like I have whored,"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The Religious Advisor said a prayer and called upon the Gods,
The only way to make her come was with his divine rod,
But even with celestial help, he was like the other sods,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
All in the circle took their turns, the Germans and the Frogs,
The Aussies, Yanks, and Pommies and even a couple of dogs,
But the Dutchmen were the last in line to shed their running togs,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
When they all had finished she said, "There's something I must tell,
I've laid here in the circle and watched all your pricks swell,
But for all the good you've done for me, you can all go straight to hell,"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
They each had tried her one by one as she lay upon the grass,
They'd jammed it up her cunt and mouth and some had tried her ass,
The one thing that they hadn't tried, was to fuck her all en masse,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
What alone they didn't do, they accomplished it in sum,
With three pricks between each finger and eighteen up her bum,
And sixteen each in cunt and mouth, she said, "I think I'm gonna come,"
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
The city bells began to peel, her body began to shake,
Exploding rockets lit the sky, the earth began to quake,
That one massive orgasm was all that she could take,
But she ain't gonna fuck no more.
And when they climbed down off her and they looked upon the ground,
Nothing of her could be seen and nothing could be found,
They said though she was one good fuck, she'd never be a Hash House Hound,
For she ain't gonna fuck no more.
SHIGGY SPOT
Melody - Rocky Top
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Wish that I could hash old Rocky Top
Down in the Tennessee hills.
Ain't no shiggy shit on Rocky Top
Ain't no fuuuckin hills.
CHORUS:
Rocky Top, you'll always be
Hash sweet hash to me.
Good old Rocky Top,
Rocky Top, Tennessee.
Rocky Top, Tennessee.
Once I had a girl on Rocky Top
Half bear, the other half cat,
Sure did stink, but her cherry popped
I still dream about that.
Once some strangers hashed old Rocky Top
Lookin' for a brewers still.
Strangers ain't come down from Rocky Top,
Reckon they never will.
Barley won't grow at all on Rocky Top
Dirt's too rocky by far.
That's why all the folks on Rocky Top
Get their barley from a bar.
I've had years of fucked up Huntsville life,
Trapped like a dogman in a pen.
All I know is it's a pity life
Can't be simple again.
THE SHORT CUTTER
Melody - The Irish Rover
Note: another song from Hong Kong by Malibog, who explains "The Wanch is the
Hong Kong Hash House; the Firehouse is a bad bar full of bad bad girls who can't
afford to wear clothes; the SouthSide is a Gentlemen's Hash which to be a member
of you must pay fees by direct debit; Lip-stick is a local (blow-job) girlie
bar; and Sauerkraut and Candy are Hash Tarts.
I've been a short-cutter for many a year
And I've spent all my money,
Down the Wanch, for the beer.
But now I'm reforming, my name to restore,
And I never will be the short-cutter, no more.
CHORUS:
So it's no nay never,
No nay never, no more
Will I be, a short-cutter,
No never, no more.
Well it's off to a Firehouse I'm known to frequent,
Mumersun knows, my money was spent.
Ask her for credit, she answered me, "Yeah!"
So just like the SouthSide - I'm on autopay.
When you ask for a screw, in my belief,
You should tell the good lady you'll put on a sheath.
But being a short-cutter, I forgot what I say,
And now she tells me, I've got twins on the way.
A short-cut to the Wanch, gave me nothing but strife,
When I said I'll go sober, to my darling wife.
I short-cut the shower, when I'd been with them whores,
Wasn't she with Lip-stick in my drawers.
Now dating a German, is cheap for the price,
They bonk before dinner, and earn it but thrice.
So you can short-cut the Fraulein - don't take her out,
Just let her go hungry while you eat Sauerkraut.
"You must marry the girl, for what you have done,"
Said her dad with a smile - as he pointed his gun.
But being a short-cutter, that wasn't for me,
You don't buy the store when you want some Candy.
But the times they are nigh for me to repent
And watch what I do, and the money I spent.
No more a short-cutter - "Oh is it my turn to shout?"
"Well fuck-off you lot, I was on my way out!"
SHORT-CUTTER'S RHAPSODY
Melody - Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
By Beaver Bam Bam Balls, Nittany Valley HHH
Is this the true trail?
Is this a goddamn check?
Caught in a quagmire
Sinking up to my fucking neck
Open your eyes, I've cut up my thighs and knees.
I'm always off trail, nobody waits for me
'Cause I'm checking left, checking right
There's no flour in my sight
Anywhere the trail goes, doesn't really matter to me, to me.
The hare, has set a trail
Spent hours tromping 'round, throwing flour on the ground
The trail, the trail had just begun
And now I've gone and left it all behind
The hare, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Don't care to run your trail
If I'm not back in time to do a down-down
Carry on, carry on, 'cause it doesn't really matter.
The trail, has gone it's way
My throat is getting dry, not a beer around to spy
Goodbye everybody, I'm off the trail
And now I'm going to search for beer in vain
Momma, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never left camp at all.
I'm just a little short-cutting little bastard
Schadamooch, schadamooch, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very, frightening me
Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figero
Where did you go....
I'm just a short-cutter, nobody loves me
He's just a short-cutter from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Harriette, run with me, will you let me cum
No, we will not let you cum, let him cum
No, we will not let you cum, let him cum
Let me cum, let him cum, let me cum, let him cum, let me cum....
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh momma mia, momma mia, momma mia let me cum
Beelzebub, has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me...
So we've finished the trail and the down-downs are flowing
At the apre' we're looking for bimbos for blowing
Oh, baby, at the apre' baby
Just don't run our, just don't you run out of beer.
Oooh . . .
Oh, yah, oh, yah.
The trail doesn't matter, anyone can see
The apre' really matters, the apre' really matters to me.
Anywhere the trail goes. . . .
SIXTEEN MILES
Melody - Sixteen Tons
(attributed to the Houston HHH)
CHORUS:
You run sixteen miles, and what do you get?
Another day older and covered in shit.
Great Hasher don't you call me, cause I can't go,
I short cut the trail and I've miles to go.
Well, I woke up this morning in a bed - not mine,
With my Nikes in my hands, left for On-Ons to find,
I started with my buddies at half past three,
But I short cut the trail, now I'm an SCB.
Well, I looked for trail all over the place,
I could of followed Ons but I wanted to race,
Thought I'd get ahead, thought it'd be so boss,
But I followed my ass, now I'm hopelessly lost.
Well, I asked the Hare how much further to run,
He held up both hands, said "Let me show you, son,
Just count these and multiply by nine."
Oh, Great Hasher, please show me a sign!
So I've run for hours under blazing sun,
I really don't know how far I've gone,
I wanted a cold beer but I'll settle for wine,
Oh, Great Hasher - for some fruit of the vine!
Great Hasher won't you call me?
I'm having fits,
I've short cut the trail,
And now I'm covered in SHIT!
SOMEBODY COME AND HASH
Melody - Somebody Come and Play (Sesame Street)
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Somebody come and hash.
Somebody come and hash today!
Somebody come and run the miles,
And sing lewd songs,
It won't take long.
Somebody come and hash today.
Somebody come and hash.
Somebody come and hash our way!
Somebody come and sing lewd songs,
And drink down-downs,
It won't take time.
Somebody come and hash today.
Somebody come with me and see the pleasure in the wind.
Somebody come before it gets too late to begin.
Somebody come and hash.
Somebody come and hash today!
Somebody come and be my friend,
And watch the sun til we hash again.
Somebody come and hash today.
Somebody come and hash.
Somebody come and hash today!
Somebody come and run the miles,
And sing lewd songs,
It won't take long.
La, La, La, La, La, La,
La, La, La, La, La, La.
Somebody come with me and see the pleasure in the wind.
Somebody come before it gets too late to begin.
Somebody come and hash.
Somebody come and hash today!
Somebody come with me again,
And watch the sun til we hash again.
Somebody come and hash today.
SONG TO CUMING MUTHA
Melody - Waltzing Matilda
Composed by Banjo Paterson of the San Francisco HHH to honor departing GM Cuming
Mutha, September 1994
Once a jolly 'Stralian came to California,
"I'm gonna make me a fortune" said he,
And he worked and he hashed as he waited for his cash to build.
"Who'll come a-hashin in Frisco with me?"
CHORUS:
Hashing with Norman "Cuming Mutha" Wheatley,
Who would go a-hashing with such a man as he?
And he worked and he ran and he hashed in San Francisco,
"Who will come a-hashing in Frisco with me?"
And he worked with his toys in the Valley they call Silicon,
"Silicone's for titty-bumps, not fucking industry!"
So declared our Hashman, intelligent and witty one,
Oh, what a sly and a cool one was he!
Up jumped a bunch of bucks, full of piss and vinegar,
"Grab him, we'll make him our leader, will we!"
They selected him Grand Master and that was the down-fall of him,
"You'll go a-hashing, Grand Master, will ye"
Then there was that asshole, an Irishman of little wit,
Bent on destruction and mayhem was he.
Out with his pal, as if anyone would give a shit,
On with our hashing, our hashing went we.
Then came the Harriettes, surrounding their Grand Master,
Head like a bowling ball, moustachioed was he.
And they teased his little pecker-stick 'til it grew to a three-inch dick,
"Who ya gonna please with that thing? Not me!"
The economy it took a turn, and Tandem took a turn with it,
"My fortune will never be found here" said he.
So he filled his gut with Fosters' and sent his shit by Qantas,
"Won't you come a-hashing in 'Stralia with me?"
Good bye, then, to Norman "Cuming Mutha" Wheatley,
Who would go a-hashing with such a man as he?
And he wanked and he hashed and he went back to Australia,
Some day we'll come a-hashing in 'Stralia with ye.
SPIDERS IN MY HAIR
Melody - Strangers in the Night
By Waterloo, first performed at the Agana, Guam, HHH Halloween Hash, 1994
Spiders in my hair,
How fucking frightful,
Spiders in my hair,
Far from delightful,
This humongous bug,
Could be poisonous.
Running down my back,
It makes my skin crawl,
Disappears into my crack,
Down by my left ball,
Now I'm fucking sick,
It's headed for my dick.
It's way past time to drop,
My pants and leap,
Around in crazy dance . . .
Fuck this jungle shit,
Give me some urban,
My hair is full of webs,
A sticky turban,
I may soon be dead,
Before this hash is through.
Now I'm back on trail,
Then just like always,
Without fucking fail,
I see the "On Back,"
Webs hanging from my face,
I turn back in disgrace.
I've risked my life for little gain,
I'll have to run the hash again, and
Then I see the tracks in jungle clearing,
With you crazy fucks, all sweat and beering,
You just don't fucking care,
About spiders in my hair.
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU
Melody - Stuck in the Middle With You (Stealer's Wheel)
By Forest Hump, Kiss My HHH
Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I gotta get my social life right
I'm so scared somebody might see me here
Singing lewd songs and guzzling beer
I got to a check and looked around
A nice pair caught my eye as she bound
When she runs they're all jiggly and swingy
They do somethin' real special for my thingy
Drunks to the left of me
Wankers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Though she's covered in shiggy and mud
And her legs are dripping with blood
Almost all would consider her a hag
But I'd love to give her a shag
I got called in the circle I regret
For a private party with a harriette
I finally convinced her to go to bed
Now I think I see foam on my head
Drunks to the left of me
Wankers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Well if it wasn't for that beggar's lice
Her ass would sure feel nice
I dig her curves and the way it swings
But when I grab her my hand just stings
Yeah the beer's goin down with a smile
This circle's been going for a while
I think it's even longer than the trail
Damn, I'd sure like to get me some tail
Drunks to the left of me
Wankers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Yes I sucked on her toes for an hour
Though they tasted quite bitter and sour
I should probably feel shame and disgrace
But I'm hoping that she'll sit on my face
Yeah my life's changed since I joined the harriers
I seemed to have torn down all former barriers
Screwing anything has become my reality
It won't be long before I do bestiality
Drunks to the left of me
Wankers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Well drink it down down down down down
Drink it down down down down down
SUCKANNA
Melody - Oh Diana
Malibog's version of the Thai classic (see "Suckanya" in the Famous Harriettes
section)
I'm so young and you're so old,
You've had a baby I've been told,
I don't care what my friends say,
I'll pay your bar-fine anyway.
You and I shall never part,
Here's three thousand, for a start.
Oh, please play with me - Suckanna
In Pussycat I found you there,
Blowing BOF - why should I care?
And five mates on Wanchai Hash,
Told me you gave them a rash.
For your tonsils to align,
It's your contract - I must sign.
Oh, please stay with me - Suckanna
Thrills I get when you hold it close,
Oh Suckanna you're the most,
I love you but do you love me,
Oh Suckanna keep blowing me.
I love you with all my heart,
But don't bite off my private part.
Oh, please keep sucking me - Suckanna.
You moved in, you trashed my car,
In Neptune's you're still the star,
You go out most every night,
Come home at noon, oh what a sight.
In your heart I'll always stay,
As long as I can pay and pay.
Oh, please what about me - Suckanna
Now your flip mates are living here,
They just bitch and drink my beer,
I don't mind some beer to shout,
But today they threw me out.
All I ask is one more suck,
You just say I'm out of luck.
Oh, please go down on me - Suckanna.
Hold me darling, hold it close,
Oh Suckanna your the most,
You gave me the clap and now you're cold
My motorcycle you just sold.
You say its fair, it's like a fee,
To pay the bill for wanking me,
I loved you with all my heart,
But you don't just bite my my private part.
OH! please go easy on me - Suckanna
Got you a job in this fair town,
Again you took me for a clown,
You're too busy for a date,
Till you found you're three months late.
I've loved you for all this time,
But my right palm I must shine.
Oh please, it wasn't me - Suckanna.
Legionnaires, I'll volunteer,
Or maybe I could turn queer,
I'm at a loss, I must admit,
How to get out of all this shit.
I could just run to anywhere,
But now she says there's two in there.
Oh please, have mercy on me - Suckanna.
My ETC, you cleaned out,
Now I know what it's all about,
But you say you can't marry me,
'Cause I'd be husband number three.
Oh god damn - what rotten luck,
Thought I was a real dead duck.
Oh, please marry me - Suckanna.
Its okay, a false alarm,
But my girl ain't lost her charm,
She didn't do it, just to me,
Half the Hash thought they should flee.
But do you think that we could part?
She would miss my golden heart.
Oh, please keep fleecing me - just Suckanna . . .
Oh, please - Suckanna . . .
Oh, please - Suckanna . . .
SUPER HASHER
Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic
From the Austin HHH Songbook
He started off at five, as the GM cried "On-On,"
Loping o'er the hedges to the blowin' of the horn,
But the run it was a righty, and the poor bloke went straight on,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
CHORUS:
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die,
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die,
Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He ran through the bushes to the cheering of the throng,
Following their happy cries, he felt he wasn't wrong,
But the cunning little bastards were just stringing him along,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He ran on through the forests as the daylight turned to gray,
Searching for the flour, but it was far away,
And he knew he had to find it so he could run another day,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
It was approaching darkness, and many hills he'd crossed,
He'd traversed mighty rivers, as he dreamt of getting sauced,
But now he began to realize that he was just fucking lost,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He ran on past small shacks lit with dim and flickering tapers,
He damned the hare and co-hare for not laying much more paper,
And also the "Pervert," the bleeding fornicator,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He thought of all the hounds drinking Shiner at the truck,
And the bastards who left early so that they could have a fuck,
But our poor bloke was miles away, and he was out of luck,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
Oh, in the gathering darkness, he ran o'er the fields,
Trampling the new rice crops he could neither see nor feel,
But the farmer he was watching, and he began to squeal,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He thought that he might make it now, so gleefully he sang,
But then he glanced behind him, and the farmer bared his fangs,
And reached into his waistband for his trusty sharp parang,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
The farmer leapt out after him, his doorway still unshut,
For the only thing he'd wanted in all his life was but,
Some Hasher's balls adorning the mantel of his hut,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
In a blazing burst of speed our hound took off across the fields,
The farmer he was losing ground, but now his fate was sealed,
For ahead there was a shiggy-pit with no bloody way to yield,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
He teetered on the edge of that dark and dismal pit,
And then, in desperation, he jumped into its midst,
And as he sank from sight he cried, "What a fucking crock of shit!"
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
So, if you go a'runnin' upon a Sunday night,
And come across a shiggy-pit upon the left or right,
Remember our poor Hasher and his shit-i-i-ful plight,
Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more.
SWILLIGAN'S ISLAND
Melody - Gilligan's Island Theme
From Whiff, Pittsburgh HHH
Just sip yer brew and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a drunken hash.
That started with a keg of beer,
And everyone got trashed. (Repeat)
The first hare was a brainless cooch,
His co-hare was half as smart.
Two hundred some odd half-minds,
Took off in a cloud of farts. (Repeat)
The hills got steep, the shiggy deep,
The back checks had them fooled.
Then someone found the beer stop,
And everybody drooled. (Repeat)
The mud had sucked their sneakers off,
Their legs were ripped a lot.
But once they had their nectar,
The trail they soon forgot. (Repeat)
The moral is no matter how,
Much shiggy's on your trail,
A hashin' twit don't give a shit,
While he's swilling his ale.
THANK GOD I'M A HASHING GIRL
Melody - Thank God I'm a Country Boy (John Denver)
Composed by Prodigy, New York City HHH
I'm riding in the car,
Caffeine in my veins!
Tub Slut's at the wheel,
And he's holding all the reins!
I'm sitting in the back,
I'm ready to hurl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well my tent's put up and it's
Lookin' mighty fine!
Access Denied, he's after my behind.
Never seen his dick, it might have a curl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well I got me my beer,
I got me old condom!
Flirting with the men,
Gonna do some rockin'!
Virgin I'm not, I'm ready to whirl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
(NO MUSIC BREAK)
Well I'm running on trail,
Someone yells, "ON ON!"
I'm dashing through the
Meadow and I step on a fawn!
I scream like a banshee,
My nerves unfurled!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Make it to the On In and yell,
"Where's the beer!"
Forced to do a down down for
Bungling the deer.
What can I say? I ain't no pearl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well I got me my beer,
I got me old condom!
Flirting with the men,
Gonna do some rockin'!
Virgin I'm not, I'm ready to whirl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
(2 ROUND BREAK)
Well the talent's mighty strong,
Emcee yells, "You're on!"
I torture you buttheads with this
Dippy song.
I gave it a shot, I gave it a twirl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
It's getting close to midnight,
And we're naked to our shoes.
Temperature is dropping,
Peckers shrinking out of view
Pour me a beer, I've lost my hue!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well I got me my beer,
I got me old condom!
Flirting with the men,
Gonna do some rockin'!
Virgin I'm not, I'm ready to whirl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
(2 ROUND BREAK)
It's early in the morning and my
Head's real sore.
I'm sorry for the men who didn't
Get to score.
Out the tent I stagger,
I'm looking mighty haggard!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well the car's packed up,
Time to say bye-bye.
But it won't be forever so don't
You cry.
HONG KONG IN '97!!
Give the Commies a ride!
(PAUSE)
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
Well I got me my beer,
I got me old condom!
Flirting with the men,
Gonna do some rockin'!
Virgin I'm not, I'm ready to whirl!
Thank God I'm a Hashing Girl!
THE BEER THAT I DRINK AT THE HASH (A DUET)
Melody - The Flowers that Bloom in the Spring (The Mikado)
With Apologies to William S. Gilbert & Sir Arthur Sullivan
By Flying Booger
HARRIER'S VERSE:
The beer that I drink at the hash, Tra la,
Doth fill me with lust for some ass.
As I merrily drink and I sing, Tra la,
I dream of your fine furry thing, Tra la,
Of a night of hot sex so divine,
Of a night of hot sex so divine.
And that's what I mean when I say that my beer
Doth fill Mister Happy with horny good cheer,
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la-a,
The beer that I drink at the hash.
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la la!
HARRIETTE'S VERSE:
The beer that you drink at the hash, Tra la,
Prevents you from getting some ass.
You come home a boozy old wimp, Tra la,
Your willy is willing but limp, Tra la,
It's a caricature of a dick,
It's a caricature of a dick.
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
"Oh bugger the beer that shrinks your wee thing."
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la-a,
Oh bugger your nasty old beer.
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la-a,
Tra la la la la la!
THE HASHER PUKES TONIGHT (LONG VERSION)
Melody The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Composed by Splat, East Bay HHH
CHORUS:
Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, Hashing all week long!
Ooo weee ooo ooo weee ooo ooo ooo, Hashing all week long!
In the shiggy, the wild shiggy, the Hasher's lost the trail.
In the shiggy, the wild shiggy, the Hasher's lost the trail.
At the beer check, the blessed beer check, the Hasher shortcuts past.
At the beer check, the blessed beer check, the Hasher shortcuts past.
In the shower, the public shower, the Hasher beats his meat.
In the shower, the public shower, the Hasher beats his meat.
In the Circle, the drunken Circle, the Hasher drinks it down.
In the Circle, the drunken Circle, the Hasher drinks it down.
In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight.
In the gutter, the slimy gutter, the Hasher pukes tonight.
In the Hash House, the rowdy Hash House, the Hasher sings this song.
In the Hash House, the rowdy Hash House, the Hasher sings this song.
THREE JOLLY HASHER MEN
Melody - There Were Three Jolly Fishermen
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
There were three jolly hasher men,
There were three jolly hasher men,
There were three jolly hasher men,
Hasher, Hasher, men, men, men,
Hasher, Hasher, men, men, men,
There were three jolly hasher men.
The first one's name was (first name),
The first one's name was (first name),
The first one's name was (first name),
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on,
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on
The first one's name was (first name),
The second one's name was (second name),
The second one's name was (second name),
The second one's name was (second name),
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on,
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on
The second one's name was (second name).
The third one's name was (third name),
The third one's name was (third name),
The third one's name was (third name),
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on,
Hasher, Hasher, on, on, on
The third one's name was (third name).
(Number of Hasher verses, above, may be modified to the size of the group
down-down)
They all went down on (insert name of Hare or Harriette),
They all went down on (insert name of Hare or Harriette),
They all went down on (insert name of Hare or Harriette),
They went, They went, down, down, down,
They went, They went, down, down, down,
They all went down on (insert name of Hare or Harriette).
They should have gone down on the beer
They should have gone down on the beer
They should have gone down on the beer
Drink it, Drink it, down, down, down,
Drink it, Drink it, down, down, down,
They should have gone down on the beer.
(Followed by Why are we Waiting)
THREE VISITING HASHERS
Melody - Mademoiselle from Armentieres
(Take turns leading verses)
Three visiting hashers came over here, parlez-vous,
Three visiting hashers came over here, parlez-vous,
Three visiting hashers came over here,
To fuck our women and drink our beer, inky-dinky, parlez-vous.
They came upon a down-down, etc . . .
Pissed on the fire and drank a round, inky-dinky parlez-vous.
Oh G.M., have you a harriette fair,
With blowjob lips and stringy hair, etc.
Oh yes, but she's too new,
To sleep with stinking hashers like you, etc.
Oh, Grand Master, I'm not too new,
After all, I slept with you, etc.
Yes, that's true, but you're so sweet,
Perhaps you could just suck their feet, etc.
Feet are fine, but I prefer,
That they ride on my mound of fur, etc.
Up the old stairs she was led,
They threw her down upon the bed, etc.
They tied her to the leg of the bed,
And fucked her till her cheeks were red, etc.
Then they took her to the shed,
And fucked her till she was nearly dead, etc.
They took her down a shady lane,
And fucked her back to life again, etc.
They fucked her up, they fucked her down,
They fucked her all around the town, etc.
They fucked her in, they fucked her out,
They fucked her up her water spout, etc.
Three months went by and all was well,
Another month and she began to swell, etc.
Nine months later she gave a grunt,
And a little hasher popped out of her cunt, etc.
The little hasher he grew and grew,
He fucked the Joint Master and On Sec too, etc.
The little hasher he went to hell,
And there he started a hash as well, etc.
THROW DOWN SOME FLOUR
Melody - Beer Barrel Polka
By Smoking Wiener, Rocket Shitty HHH
Throw down some flour,
We'll have a barrel of fun.
Throw down some flour,
We've got the pack on the run.
Down Down on-on-on
Sing out a song of lewd cheer,
Now's the time to throw down some flour
For the pack's all here.
TWEET-WHISTLE (A LIBRETTO)
Melody - Tit-Willow (The Mikado)
With apologies to William S. Gilbert & Sir Arthur Sullivan
By Flying Booger
On a fork in the trail a poor lost half-mind
Blew "Whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
And I said to him, "Hasher, are you in a bind
Blowing 'Whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle?'"
"Is it scarceness of powder, dear hasher?" I cried,
"Or a lack of good beer in your thirsty inside?"
With a shake of his poor weary head, he replied,
"Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
He followed false trail, till he came to the shore,
Blowing "Whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
And a cold perspiration came out of his pores,
Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!
He sobbed and he sighed, and an "Are you?" he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowing wave,
And an echo arose from his watery grave -
"Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that I blow
Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle,
That 'twas lack of true trail that did make him go
"Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
And if you refrain from more flour to lay, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
"Oh, whistle, tweetwhistle, tweetwhistle!"
TWELVE DAYS OF INTERHASH
Melody - Twelve Days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Interhash,
My true love gave to me:
Twelve twats a'twitching,
Eleven leaping lesbians,
Ten torn testicles,
Nine gnawed off nipples,
Eight aching assholes,
Seven sucking sisters,
Six sixty-niners,
Five pubic hairs!
Four calling girls,
Three French whores,
Two shit house doors,
And a lube job in her fur tree.
______
Twelve heinous sins,
Eleven hashers drinking,
Ten tits a-swinging,
Nine S. C. B.'s swimming,
Eight whistles blowing,
Seven long B. T.'s,
Six puffs of flour,
Five frosty beers!
Four bimbos walking,
Three hares a-laying,
Two D. O. T.'s,
And a trail with a lot of shiggy.
TWINKIE, TWINKIE, LITTLE HASHER
Melody - Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
(attributed to Twinkie of the Austin HHH)
Twinkie, twinkie, little Hasher,
Can't you suck a little faster?
Down upon my meat so slow,
Like a whale about to blow,
Twinkie, twinkie, little Hasher,
Can't you suck a little faster?
TWO HASHERS (HARRIETTES)
Melody - This Old Man
Composed by Flamin' Asshole, Nabob, Porno Pretzle, and Party Hats, Emerald Coast
HHH, Florida; contributed by M.I.A.
Two hashers, drove for miles,
From the Emerald Coast to Tybee Isle.
CHORUS # 1:
With a couple of cunts and a cooler full of beer,
How the fuck did we get here?
Two harriettes, drove for miles,
From the Emerald Coast to Tybee Isle.
CHORUS # 2:
With a couple of cocks and a cooler full of beer,
How the fuck did we get here?
Two hashers, in a truck,
One got blown and one got sucked.
Two harriettes, in a truck,
One got banged and the other got fucked.
Two hashers, on the road,
While they drove they lost their load.
Two harriettes, on the road,
While they drove their tits they showed.
Four hashers, stopped to dine,
At mile marker sixty-nine.
CHORUS # 3:
With cunts and cocks and a cooler full of beer,
We fucked and sucked our way to here.
Four hashers, they came late,
Nabob stopped to masturbate.
All you hashers in the crowd,
Hear us now and hear us loud,
When you cum to Intercourse you'd better bring a date,
So you won't have to masturbate!
UNEASY HASHER
Melody - Uneasy Rider (Charlie Daniels Band)
By Babe Thruster, performed at Hedon '99
I was on 85 headin' to ATL.
Had the A/C on 'cause it was hot as hell.
When all at once my radiator blew its top.
Well, I took a quick exit and drove around a bit.
Didn't know where I was goin' 'cause I couldn't see shit
And this here's what happened when I stopped.
I seen these folks was havin' a camp-out event
And it just so happened that I had my tent
And I figured I'd hang out for a day or two.
Now one thing was abundantly clear
These folks could really drink some beer
So I grabbed me a cup and poured myself a brew.
The first thing I noticed that seemed kinda strange
Was the folks all had these funny names
Like "Beats Me", "Bunny Banger" and "Screw Ewe".
They gave me a flyer and I started readin'
It said "welcome folks to ol' Camp Hedon"
And I wondered just what the hell I had gotten in to.
'Cause they had frozen margaritas and beer galore
They had footprints on everything they wore
That is for the ones that weren't walkin' 'round nude.
They had a big blue curtain they called "The Wall of Shame"
So the neighbors would have just themselves to blame
If their kids got traumatized by what they viewed.
They had co-ed showers with icy cold water
that would shrink your dick down to the size of a quarter
And I never did get all the soap outta my crack.
There was high fat food and nekkid pot scrubbin'
They had videos showin' animal lovin'
Where this woman and her dog performed unspeakable acts.
And while I'm on the subject of unspeakable acts
Their skit night took things to the max.
Yeah, they was all out there pushin' on that envelope.
They did the Full Monty and to my surprise
A triple butt chug by these four nekkid guys.
That really seemed to get Erection Master's goat.
And just when I thought I'd seen the worst of the hash
Up jumped these guys from the Carolina Trash
And they all commenced to settin' their dicks on fire.
Now I wish I could tell ya I weren't participatin'
That I just sat back watchin and waitin'
But if I did, I'd be a dadburned liar.
Cause I hit them kegs five times an hour
And I ran through the woods on a trail of flour
And I played in Shit Happens' question game
And I woke up early every morn
To some asshole out there blowin a horn
And drank bloody Marys to kill the hangover pain.
And I was taken to holler and curse
And I ran nekkid with ol' Head Nurse
And afterwards never did put my clothes back on.
And I blazed though shiggy till I was bleedin'
And ended up in what's called sub-Hedon
Where I sang dirty songs and drank till damn near dawn.
Yeah, there I was breakin all the rules
that Ms. Fletcher had taught me thar in Sunday school
And little did I know there'd be hell to pay.
Now Sunday afternoon weren't too busy
So I staggered over to watch Izzy Dizzy
It's a beer chuggin' game hashers like to play.
And the one team there I really noticed
Was the one lead by this dude called Otis
His team was Gay 2000 without a doubt.
Cause instead of spinnin' round them baseball bats
They were using some guys nekkid ass
And it was somewhere about this time that I passed out.
Now when finally I did come to
You won't believe it but I swear it's true
A pit from Hell opened up thar in that field
And from that pit came laughin' and screamin'
About two dozen hellish demons
They was all butt-nekid and red from head to toe.
Yeah, this here weren't no hallucination
Them demons set out to runnin' and chasin'
They was grabbin folks and castin' 'em into that pit..
Well, I just sat there shocked as I could be
When I noticed a few of 'em lookin' at me
And that's when I decided it was time to go.
I jumped up screamin' and away I went
I figured fuck my stuff and fuck my tent
There was no way in hell that I'd get caught
Jumped into my truck and fled for my life
And I didn't look back like ol' Lots' wife
'cause I knew damn sure I'd turn to a pillar of salt
Now when I think back, you know I'm still amazed
By those crazy fuckers and the hell they raised
And I wonder just what happened to that tent of mine
And I gotta admit I had a damn good time
I wonder of folks' would think I'd lost my mind
If I went back in '99.
WANKY'S BEERS
Melody - Jingle Bells
Adapted by Flying Booger from "Morgan's Pies"; composed in honor of Wanky
Doodle, Aloha HHH's biermeister, December, 1994
Dashing down the trail,
With a cooler full of brew,
This beer tastes like hell,
What can we hashers do?
CHORUS:
Oh, Wanky's beers, Wanky's beers,
Wanky, you're a dick.
When we drink your fucking piss,
It makes us fucking sick.
Oh, Wanky's beers, Wanky's beers,
We told you fucking twice,
When you pack those fucking beers,
You can't forget the ice!
I drank a Wanky brew,
A down-down I did do,
Now I've got that fucking brew
Caked upon my shoe.
The biermobile's arrived,
On-In time is here,
What fun it is to chug and puke,
Our Wanky's putrid beer.
We sing this little song,
We sing it just for you,
Now we think it's only right,
That you should drink one too.
WE GO HASHING
Melody - Oh, My Darlin' Clementine
Composed by Sodbuster, Copenhagen HHH; written for Copenhagen 100th run
From the distant dawn of mankind,
To the present state of bliss,
Evolution has refined us,
And the proof is simply this:
CHORUS:
We go hashing, we go hashing,
We go hashing once a week,
With the ________ Hashers,
We go bonkers once a week.
Prehistoric treetop monkeys,
Taught us how to jump and fuck,
But they had no hashing spirit,
That we have is our good luck.
Cro-Magnon and other cavemen,
Did not live for very long,
They were just as wild as we are,
But they got the hashing wrong.
In the early Middle Ages,
Nuns and monks had little fun,
They had wine and fornication,
But they lacked a decent run.
Billy Shakespeare wrote a sonnet,
More than twenty pages long,
All about the joys of hashing,
We can do it in a song.
Recent surveys of the country,
Show that only magic will,
Save the nation from perdition,
And we have the saving skill.
Girls and boys and other sexes,
Stand up tall and sing out clear:
We shall never be athletic,
We just do it for the beer.
WERE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?
Melody - Are You Lonesome Tonight?
by Hazukashii, Yongsan HHH
Were you lonesome tonight,
Was the hash out of sight,
Are you sorry you strayed from true trail?
Did your throat feel real dry,
Underneath the hot sky,
When you thought of the beer did you wail?
Are the sores on your feet, raw and filled up with puss?
When you gazed down the road, did you pray for a bus?
Are your legs filled with pain,
Will you shortcut again,
Tell me fool, were you lonesome tonight?
WHINING POEM
By Teats de Swamp, Carolina Trash HHH
I'm not black
I'm not white
The color of my skin tonight
Is Bleeding Red, with Mud of Brown,
(the hash trail was not laid downtown)
Greenish slime, and ooze of yellow.
(Gispert was a jolly fellow)
I don't care. As you can tell
Down-downs made me drunk as hell
Look to the sky! The full moon is shining
So On!On! into the night
AND QUIT YOUR WHINING!
WHITE RABBIT
Melody White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane)
Composed by Broomhilda, Long Beach HHH
Note: this song was composed for the Long Beach HHH 1069th Run, aka "Hashstock"
One beer makes you happy,
Ten beers make you crawl,
And the beer that O'Doul's gives you,
Don't do anything at all.
Go ask Blow Boy how he got that tall.
And if you go chasing rabbits,
You might just lose the trail,
Til a whistle-blowing hasher,
Will help lead you to the ale.
Just ask Fungus, when his short cuts fail.
When policemen in their squad cars pull up & tell you "move along,"
We'll just find another place to drink beer & sing a song,
When you've just had jello shooters,
And your mind is movin' slow,
Just ask Pokey - I think she'll know.
When Hashit has been given & there's nothing left to dread,
When down-downs are all over,
And the beer is mostly head,
Just remember what the GM's said,
"Drain the keg,"
"Drain the keg."
THE WILD HASHER
Melody - The Wild Rover
Contributed by Stray Dog
I've been a wild Hasher for many a year,
And spent some time chasing the women and beer.
But now I'm returning with an itch and a sore,
I swear I will never be wanking no more.
CHORUS:
And it's no nay never (pause, then clap, clap, clap)
No never no more,
Will I plaaay the wild Hasher,
No neveeer no more.
I went to a whorehouse where I'd often been,
And told to the madame what plight I was in.
She said she was sorry, but what could she say,
In that state of health, I could get me no lay.
I took out my pecker, such source of delight,
For many a girl during many a night.
But the landlady said, "You've just run out of luck,
I won't let you have any girl for a fuck.
I'll return to my parents, confess what I've done,
And ask them to pardon their lost Hashing son.
And if they forgive me, as oft times before,
I swear I will never be wanking no more.
YELLOW IS THE COLOR
Melody - Yellow is the Color of My True Love's Hair
Yellow is the color of my true love's hair,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, my true love's hair,
And it's the color of the boils on my bum,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
Red is the color of the setting sun,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, the setting sun,
And it's the color of my foreskin caught in my fly,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
Yellow is the color that brings me cheer,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, that brings me cheer,
And it's the color of the carrots in my beer,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
Green is the color of all that grows,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, of all that grows,
And it's the color of the boogers up my nose,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
Brown is the color that makes me dance,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, that makes me dance,
And it's the color, it's the color of my underpants,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
Blue is the color that makes me stop,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, that makes me stop,
And it's the color of the vein in my pork chop,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
White is the color of the winter snows,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm, the winter snows,
And it's the color of the cheese between my toes,
When I'm hashin', ah-humm, when I'm hashin', ah-humm.
YESTERDAY
Melody - Yesterday (Beatles)
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Yesterday,
All my muscles seemed to feel OK,
Now my body doesn't work today,
Oh I went hashing yesterday.
Muscles ache,
They'd be better if I'd stayed in bed,
Now it feels as if they're made of lead,
Wish I had stayed at home instead.
Why I ran that hash,
Was so rash,
But what the heck?
Now it's clear,
I'm a mere,
Physical wreck.
Bloodshot eyes,
And my tongue is twice its normal size,
It's at times like this I realize,
Hashing isn't all that wise.
Why I drank that beer,
Isn't clear,
It's just a blur.
I don't feel so young,
And my tongue,
Is lined with fur.
Yesterday,
Hashing seemed a healthy game to play,
Now my body is in disarray,
Oh I went hashing yesterday
(mmm-mm-mmm.....)
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HASHER
Melody - You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog
By Twinkie & Lady Fingers, Austin HHH
You ain't nothin' but a Hasher,
A-humpin' all the time,
You ain't nothin' but a Hasher,
A-humpin' all the time.
You ain't never caught a hare,
And you ain't no friend of mine.
When I said you was high class,
Well, that was just a lie,
When I said you was high class,
Well, that was just a lie.
You ain't never caught a hare,
And you ain't no friend of mine.
You ain't nothin' but a Hasher,
A-humpin' all the time,
You ain't nothin' but a Hasher,
A-humpin' all the time.
You ain't never caught a hare,
And you ain't no friend of mine.
YOU ARE MY HASHIT
Melody - You Are My Sunshine
Performed by LAHHH harriettes at AIH '93, Calgary, Alberta, Canada, September 2,
1993
CHORUS:
You are my hashit, my loving hashit
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know boys how much we love them
Please don't take my hashit away.
The other day boys, while we were hashing
We saw our GM masturbate
We saw two others auto-hashing
And then the beer truck was late.
No need to hurry, no need to worry
They can do hash crimes every day
But we'll never tell on, these other hashers
They might take our hashit away.
It's always hard, and it's always ready
And if you bite it, it won't scream
It will be there in the morning
And if pressed it will wait while I preen.
You don't have to lubricate it
Buy it presents, or give it head
You can tell it, all your secrets
And no one will hear a word that you said.
It's not too drunk and, it's not too tired
It's not too quick and, it feels no pain
And if your toilet, should overflow girls
What good's a dick to unclog a drain!
YOUR HAND WAS MADE TO STROKE MY GLAND
Melody - This Land is Your Land
Composed by Flamin' Asshole and Nabob, Emerald Coast HHH; contributed by M.I.A.
CHORUS:
This hand is your hand, this gland is my gland,
So rub it slowly, to make my thing stand.
Let's play forever, we'll cum together,
Your hand was made to stroke my gland.
As we were driving, on separate highways,
We heard the faint cries of "On On my way."
With whistles blowing, the beer was flowing,
Your hand was made to stroke my gland.
We showed up Friday and partied hardy,
We fucked till morning, and then we partied.
Played with eachother, and soon discovered,
Your hand was made to stroke my gland.
As we got closer, there was an odor,
It was your pussy, upon my boner.
Your tits were shaking, my balls were breaking,
Your hand was made to stroke my gland.
In Jacksonville we all came together,
Showed tits and asses, despite the weather.
From the Emerald Coasters, to those with odors,
Your hand was made to stroke my gland.
ZIPPY THE RED-NOSED HASHER
Melody - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
By Dr D, Ft Eustis HHH
You know Magic and Mullet and Rambo and Mr Spock
Satan and Stray Dog and Mu-Sick and Shuttle Cock,
But do you re-call the most famous Hasher of all . . .
Zippy the red-nosed Hasher,
Had a bit too much to drink,
And if you ever saw him.
You would even say he stinks.
All of the other Hashers,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Zippy,
Join in any orgy games.
Then one night at the InterHash,
The GM came to say,
Zippy with your ass so tight,
Won't you let me ride you tonight?
Then all the Hashers loved him,
And they shouted out with glee,
Zippy the red-nosed Hasher
You better get checked for HIV!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUR ANIMAL FRIENDS
Baby Seal Song
Bestiality's Best (two versions)
Bitch, a Dog
Bye Bye Blackbird
Cats on the Rooftops
Cock Robin
Cow Kicked Nelly
Cuckoo
Dead Dog Rover
Dickey Louse
Dingo
Doggies' Meeting
Duck Ditty
Friendly Little Cat
Fuck a Duck
Gomez the Chihuahua
Hedgehog Song
Hog Calling Time in Nebraska
Hole in the Elephant's Bottom
I Need a Sheep
Little Bird
Little Brown Mouse
Lobster Song
Moose Song (four versions)
My Girlfriend's a Bit of a Beast
Old Brown Cow
Pussy Cat Song
Rhode Island Red
Sexual Life of the Camel
Skippy the Squirrel
Sole Song
Teddy Bears' Picnic
Three Blind Jellyfishes
Up Jumped the Monkey
Virgin Sturgeon
Wild West Show
Woodpecker Song
Yellow Bird
Yogi Bear Song
BABY SEAL SONG
Melody - That Good Old Mountain Dew
Way up north where it is cold, you know they ain't got gold
They all make their living from the seal skins they've sold.
Me I like the killing, because it's so fulfilling
And I hate to see a baby seal grow old.
CHORUS:
You don't bludgeon a seal 'cause you want a meal
You do it cause you want to hear those little suckers squeal.
You hit 'em on the head, and you do it just for kicks
And you poke out their eyes with your eye-pokin' sticks.
(Two - Three - Four)
My daddy was a little mean, my mama was a bit obscene,
Maybe that's the reason for the way that I feel.
You might not believe me, but my woman wants to leave me
So I guess I'll take it out on a baby seal.
The Liberals want to lock me up because I kill the seal pups
And tie their fur up into little bales.
I know that it won't be long 'til all the baby seals are gone
So I guess I'll just start wiping out the whales.
Slice 'em, dice 'em, roto-till 'em, chop 'em up or just plain kill 'em,
Their fur comes off with just one easy peel (RIP, RIP, RIP)
People, people don't you cry cause I know that when I die
I'll be coming back as a baby seal. . . .
BESTIALITY'S BEST (two versions)
Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys
The first version of this song requires a pretty good memory, or at minimum
enough wit to think of rhymes on the spot. Which explains why hashers almost
always sing the second version . . .
(Take turns leading verses)
CHORUS:
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best - FUCK A WALLABY!
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best.
ALTERNATE CHORUS:
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best - FUCK YOUR WALLABY!
Give hetero sex a rest, boys,
Bestiality's best
Tie me wallaby down, boys,
Tie me wallaby down,
You can't fuck him when he's jumping around, boys,
So tie me wallaby down.
Change your luck with a duck, Chuck,
Change your luck with a duck,
A duck's a marvelous fuck, Chuck,
So change your luck with a duck.
A drake's the best all around, mate,
A drake's the best all around,
Its entry's surrounded by down, mate,
A drake's the best all around.
A camel's a hell of a lay, Kay,
A camel's a hell of a lay,
Humping the hump, as they say, Kay,
A camel's a hell of a lay.
A moose is no bloody use, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use,
She's big, she's mean, and she's loose, Bruce,
A moose is no bloody use.
You can shoot your load in a toad, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad,
If there's nothing else to be rode, dude,
You can shoot your load in a toad.
Me wife was raped by an ape, Nate,
Me wife was raped by an ape,
She's in marvellous sexual shape, Nate,
Ever since she was raped by an ape.
A rhino's a hell of a treat, Pete,
A rhino's a hell of a treat,
The horniest thing on four feet, Pete,
A rhino's a hell of a treat.
A mongoose is no piece of cake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake,
He'll attack your one-eyed snake, Jake,
A mongoose is no piece of cake.
You can come again in a hen, men,
You can come again in a hen,
When you've had everything else in the pen, men,
You can come again in a hen.
I tried to roger a badger, boys,
I tried to roger a badger,
A badger's a hell of a dodger, boys,
You just can't roger a badger.
You can go the course on a horse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse,
There's lots of animals worse, Morris,
You can go the course on a horse.
You can try your log in a frog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog,
If it's the only thing in the bog, boys,
You can try your log in a frog.
You can stick your pole in a mole, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If your pole's incredibly small, Cole,
You can stick your pole in a mole.
(alternate verse)
You can stick your pole in a mole, boys,
You can stick your pole in a mole,
If you can't find a big enough mole, boys,
Then use the bloody mole hole.
You can try to screw a red 'roo, Lou,
You can try to screw a red 'roo,
Be careful it doesn't screw you, Lou,
When you try to screw a red 'roo.
An ostrich can give you a ride, Clyde,
An ostrich can give you a ride,
When you get your weapon inside, Clyde,
An ostrich's a real wild ride.
You can try getting bare with a bear, Clare,
You can try getting bare with a bear,
But he's attached to his hair, Clare,
So don't try to make him get bare.
Screwing a turtle's a lark, Mark,
Screwing a turtle's a lark,
If you've got foreskin like bark, Mark,
Then screwing a turtle's a lark.
A gator is tricky to boff, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff,
Wrong end and you'll get it bit off, Toff,
A gator is tricky to boff.
Any old beast for a fuck, Chuck,
Any old beast for a fuck,
Even an Irishman's luck, Chuck,
When you need a beast for a fuck.
You can get it on with an iguana, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana,
But only if you really wanna, Donna,
You can get it on with an iguana.
Put your log up a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog,
Don't you fancy a dog, Claude,
Put your log up a dog, 'cause . . .
MORE VERSES:
Stick your lug in a slug, Doug (Aren't you hot for a slug, Doug?)
Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou (Don't you dream of a ewe, Lou?)
Get turned on by a duck, Chuck (Doesn't that make you go quack, Chuck?)
Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt (Isn't that just where it's at, Matt?)
Rough love with a horse, Boris (You gotta use force with a horse, Boris)
______
Version two is far less challenging . . . you simply repeat the same line all
through the verse, as in:
Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama - BESTIALITY!
Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama, 'cause . . .
More verses, courtesy of Zippy, Pike's Peak H4:
Stick your dork in a stork
Make an eel squeel
Rub your beaver on a retriever
Rub your box on a fox
Rub your clitoris on a hippopotamus
Rub your clitty on a kitty
Rub your cunt on an elephunt
Rub your twat on an ocelot
Grind your mound on a hound
Drip your juice on a moose
Give your milk to an elk
Drip your yeast on a wildebeest
Cunnilingo with a dingo
Fool with the tool of a mule
A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel
Any which way with a jay
Anyway you can with a pelican
Be a queer with a deer
Be a rotter with an otter
Be very pleasant to a pheasant
Bring a flea to her knees
Chuck your sperm in a worm
Come from behind with a hind
Do an illegal with an eagle
Do it funky with a monkey
Down the throat of a goat
Drink the pee of a bee
Drop some goo in a shrew
Ejaculate in a snake
Get a suck from a duck
Get in deep with a sheep
Get it out for a trout
Get the pox off a fox
Get under the tail of a snail
Sow oats with some stoats
Get your release in a fleece
Give a half to a giraffe
Give a lickin' to a chicken
Give some cock to a croc
Give your gerbil some verbal
Give your milk to an elk
Go a rounder with a flounder
Go and defile a crocodile
Go the whole way with a moray
Be a pimp for a chimp
Have a cracker with a quacker
Have a deer from the rear
Have a filler with a gorilla
Have a frig with a pig
Have a fuck with a duck
Have a goose with a moose
Have a hug with a bug
Have a lark with an aardvark
Have a rape with an ape
Have a screw with a shrew
Have a shag with a stag
Have a shaggin' with a dragon
Have a squirm with a worm
Have a toss with a hoss
Help old Watson with a dachshund
In a heap with a sheep
In the Bahamas with some llamas
In the dark with a shark
In the ear of a deer
In the esophagus of an octapus
In the lake with a drake
In the lug of a slug
In the sack with yak.
Have intercourse with a horse
Lick the clit of a nit
Make it coarse with a horse
Make it limp in a chimp
Make it twirl in a squirrel
Make it wonky with a donkey
Make love with a dove
Make some porn with a unicorn
Mate a 'gator then fellate her
In a bag with a stag
In the bog with a dog
On a honeymoon with a raccoon
On a train with a crane
On the lawn with a prawn
On top of the easel with a weasel
Part the hare of a mare
Put it in the mid of a squid
Put it in the mouth of a sloth
Put it through a gnu
Put your cock in a peacock
Put your noodle to a poodle
Put your thang in an orangutan
Rub the thigh of a fly
Shoot your load in a toad
Shove your log in a dog
Shove your willy up a filly
Sixty-nine with a swine
Skull fuck a duck
Stick you rod up a cod
Stick your dork in a stork
Stick your needle in a beetle
The best course is a horse
Up the ass of a bass
Up the back of a yak
Up the box of a fox
Up the fanny of a nanny
Up the flue of a shrew
Up the hole of a mole
Up the rear of a deer
Up the spout of a trout
Up the tail of a whale
BITCH A DOG
Melody - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
Bitch, a dog, a female dog,
Itch, a place for you to scratch,
Hitch, I pull my knickers up,
Grab, another word for snatch,
Bath, a place for making gin,
Sex, another word for sin,
Prick, a needle going in,
And that will bring us back to
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch . . .
BYE BYE BLACKBIRD
Melody - Bye Bye Blackbird
Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into the wood,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Laid her down upon the grass,
Pinched her tits and slapped her ass,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Took her where nobody else could find her,
To a place where he could really grind her,
Rolled her over on her front,
Shoved his wank right up her cunt,
Blackbird, bye, bye.
But this girl she was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
All the jury had a horn,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Then the judge came to his decision,
The poor sod got eighteen months in prison,
So next time, boy, do it right,
Stuff her twat with dynamite,
Blackbird, bye, bye.
CATS ON THE ROOFTOPS
Melody - Do Ye Ken John Peel
(Take turns leading verses)
When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman use your own horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.
CHORUS:
Cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with the clap and cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The Australian lady emu when she wants to find a mate,
Wanders round the desert with a feather up her date,
You should see that feather, when she meets her destined fate,
As she revels in the joys of fornication.
The poor domestic doggie, on his chain all day,
Never gets a chance to get himself a lay,
So he licks himself in a frantic way,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The labors of the poofter find but little favor here,
But the morally leprous bastard has a peaceful sleep, I fear,
As he dreams he rips a red-un up some dirty urchin's rear,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty song,
He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long,
You should hear his high crescendo, when his mate is on the prong,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows,
He takes two days to have a shag, but when he's in the throes,
He doesn't stop to take it out; he piddles through his nose,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy,
And your wife has got the rag on and your daughter's rather coy,
Then jam it up the backside of your favorite choirboy,
As you revel in a smooth ejaculation.
The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears,
Never gets a grind in a thousand years,
But when he does, he makes up for arrears,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile,
Gets a flip only once in a while,
But when he does, it floods the Nile,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The wild boar in the mud all day,
Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,
And the corkscrew motion of half a day,
As he revels in the joys of masturbation.
Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale,
With a funny little diddle tucked beneath his tail,
And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Now I met a girl who had a great rear,
And she gave me a dose of gonorrhea,
Fools rush in where angels fear,
As I reveled in the joys of fornication.
Little Mary Johnson will be seven next July,
She's never had a naughty, but she thought she'd like to try,
So she took her daddy's walking stick and did it on the sly,
As she reveled in the joys of fornication.
Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale-faced spinsters shag like shoats,
And the whole damn world stands about and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But whenever it does, it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands a foot or so,
So when he comes it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The flea disports among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The elephant's prong is big and round,
A small one scales a thousand pound,
Two together rock the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night,
As it revels in the joys of fornication.
The hippopotamus, so it seems,
Very, very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Reveling in the joys of fornication.
COCK ROBIN
Melody - Who Killed Cock Robin
Who killed cock robin?
"I," said the sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed cock robin."
CHORUS (WORDS & ACTIONS):
Oh-h-h-h the birds of the air said,
Fuck it! Let's chuck it!
When they heard cock robin
Had kicked the fucking bucket!
When they heard-d-d-d cock robin-n-n-n
Had kicked the fucking bucket!
Who saw him die?
"I," said the fly,
"With my little eye,
I saw him die."
Who'll take his blood?
"I," said the mole,
"With my little bowl,
I'll take his blood."
Who'll dig his grave?
"I," said the owl,
"With my little trowel,
I'll dig the grave."
Who'll ring the bell?
"I," said the bull,
"With my mighty tool,
I'll ring the bell."
Who'll say the prayer?
"I," said the rook,
"With my little book,
I'll say the prayer."
COW KICKED NELLY
Melody - Turkey in the Straw
Variation contributed by Thurston Bowel the Turd, Silicone Valley HHH
CHORUS:
Oh, the cow kicked Nelly in the belly last night (three times)
But the farmer says she'll be all right.
LEADER: Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit
worse.
(repeat chorus)
LEADER: Third verse, same as the first . . .(and so on through ten verses,
each louder and worse than the one before, or until stoned by the pack)
Variation:
The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn.
And the doctor said it wouldn't do her any harm.
Second verse, same as the first. Just a little bit louder and a little bit
worse.
THE CUCKOO
Melody - ???
The cuckoo is a funny bird,
Who sits in the grass,
With his wings neatly folded,
And his beak up his ass.
In this strange position,
He can only say, "Twit!"
'Cause it's hard to say, "Cuckoo,"
With a beak full of shit.
DEAD DOG ROVER
Melody - I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran with the mower.
One leg is missing,
The other is gone,
The third leg is shredded,
All over the lawn.
You see there's no use explaining,
The one remaining,
It's spinning on the carport floor
(the carport floor),
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran, that I over ran,
That I over ran with the mower!
DICKEY LOUSE
Melody - Mickey Mouse Theme
by Lubejob, Eugene HHH
Who's the little blood sucker that's after you and me?
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
Hi there, hey there, ho there, he's as hungry as can be,
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!)
Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!)
Forever may he hold your hairy crotch, Tight, Tight, Tight!
When you join up at the hips he'll jump from you to me!
D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E!
(Slowly)
D-I-C (Eat you real soon!)
K-E-Y (Why? Because I like you! [pointing around])
L-O-U-S-Eeee!
DINGO
Melody - Ghost Riders in the Sky
By Dingo, Hamersley HHH, contributed by J.R., Capital HHH
Note: Song is based on a true story, notorious in Australia, about a mother who
claimed her missing baby was eaten by dingos during a camping trip to Ayers
Rock.
Some Seventh Day Adventist went for a barbecue (barbecue, barbecue)
Where they met some dingoes that could eat much more than you (more than you,
more than you)
Chorus:
Dingo, dingo
Beware of the dingo,
With a baby in its mouth
Lindy packed some vegies, but those dingoes wanted meat (wanted meat, wanted
meat)
Kidneys and liver and arms and hands and feet (hands and feet, hands and feet)
Chorus
They searched and searched, and searched, and searched, all around Ayre's
rock (Ayre's rock, Ayre's rock)
But all they found were dog turds, and a baby's sock (baby's sock, baby's sock)
Chorus
While the lawyers argued, Lindy got up the duff (up the duff, up the duff)
The dingoes were ecstatic, cos they hadn't had enough (had enough, had enough)
Chorus
Lindy got the lawyers, to fuck the government (government, government)
For a million or more, enough to pay the rent (pay the rent, pay the rent)
Chorus
The loser was the taxpayer, it usually is that way (is that way, is that way)
Especially when those lawyers and journos have their say (have their say, have
their say)
Chorus
The dingo is a noble beast, who merely likes to eat (likes to eat, likes to
eat)
And a veggie-reared Adventist, must have been a treat (been a treat, been a
treat)
Chorus
Journalists and lawyers, they are a rotten lot (rotten lot, rotten lot)
It was them and not the dingo, that they should have shot (should have shot,
should have shot)
Chorus
And now our story's over, there's only one thing left to say (left to say,
left to say)
The dingo likes to graze, on the seventh day (seventh day, seventh day)
Chorus
THE DOGGIES' MEETING
Melody - God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
The doggies held a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by motorcycle,
Some came by motorcar.
Each doggy passed the entrance,
Each doggy signed the book,
Then each unshipped his arsehole,
And hung it on the hook.
One dog was not invited,
It sorely raised his ire,
He ran into the meeting hall
And loudly bellowed, "Fire!"
It threw them in confusion,
And without a second look,
Each grabbed another's arsehole
From off another hook.
And that's the reason why, sir,
When walking down the street,
And that's the reason why, sir,
When doggies chance to meet,
And that's the reason why, sir,
On land or sea or foam,
He will sniff another's arsehole,
To see if it's his own.
DUCK DITTY
Melody - ???
Contributed by Beerhead, Kobe HHH, Japan
A man's best friend is his duck,
A duck's got plenty of pluck,
And when you're down on your luck,
They're always good for a meal.
. . . it works well if you can persuade some idiot to quack once or twice at
the end of each line.
FRIENDLY LITTLE CAT
Melody Itself
Contributed by Catwoman
Kitty Cat sittin in the parking lot.
Sun came out and the pussy got hot.
Hot pussy, such a friendly little cat
MMMMMM hot pussy
Kitty Cat came on to my front porch.
Rain came down and the pussy got wet.
Wet pussy, such a friendly little cat.
MMMM hot wet pussy.
Kitty cat got in to my liquor one night.
Drank all my whiskey and the pussy got tight.
Tight pussy, such a friendly little cat
MMM hot wet tight pussy
Kitty cat climbed into my rocking chair
Rocked so hard that she rocked herself bare.
Bald pussy, such a friendly little cat.
Hot, wet, tight, bald pussy.
I said hot wet tight bald pussy.
Cheers
Catwoman
FUCK A DUCK
Melody - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)
Fuck a duck,
A female duck,
Screw a baby kangaroo,
Finger bang an orangutan,
Let an elephant eat you,
FEEL the penis of an eel,
WHACK the asshole of a yak,
MASTURBATE with a gnu,
That will bring us back to
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck . . .
Repeat with motions, humming, silence, etc
GOMEZ THE CHIHUAHUA
Melody - ???
By Mu-Sick, Emerald Bay HHH, Florida
Well, I used to have a doggie and his name was Little Gomez,
Cause you see he was a Mexican Chihuahua.
There wasn't much of him, but what there was, was all cajones.
He was certainly a randy little fella'.
Large dogs, small dogs, it mattered not to him,
The canine equivalent of Errol Flynn.
At the drop of a sombrero he'd jump up and get stuffed in,
Taking Gomez out for walks, it was embarrassin'.
I remember one day in the park his tally rose by four,
While in the square, a crowd was amassin'.
Two highly strung French Poodles, a golden Labrador,
And a Raccoon who just happened to be passin'.
I tried every way to curb his carnal appetite,
I kept him on a leash by day and locked him up at night.
I even put saltpeter in his doggie Meaty Bites,
But the only thing that might have worked was kryptonite.
The only thing that might have worked was kryptonite.
Then came that fateful day, when he tried to consummate,
A liaison with a St Bernard called Broadwin.
And although he was fighting quite well above his weight,
He didn't let this awful prospect daunt him.
He nearly pulled it off, Oh what an acrobat.
Then Broadwin deposed and down she sat.
They say that after making love, you often feel quite flat
I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with that.
I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with that.
I buried Little Gomez in the park, his happy hunting ground.
A sad but fitting finale.
I had to dig a grave that was shallow, flat and round,
Cause he looked like a squashed tamale.
But I really miss my wee Chihuahua chum,
So I went down to the pet shop to get another one.
I went in feeling happy, but I came out feeling glum,
Cause the man down at the pet shop liked corny puns.
The man down at the pet shop liked corny puns.
And he said, "Yes, we have no Chihuahuas.
We have no Chihuahuas, today.
We have Dalmations, creations, results from all flirtations,
A half Pekingese, and a Char-pei.
But, Yes, we have no Chihuahuas.
We have no Chihuahuas, today.
THE HEDGEHOG SONG
Melody - Unknown
Contributed by Bulldust
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
CHORUS 2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1
You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
HOG CALLING TIME IN NEBRASKA
Melody - Itself
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
When it's hog calling time in Nebraska,
Then it's hog calling time in Nebraska.
THE HOLE IN THE ELEPHANT'S BOTTOM
Melody - Unknown
Contributed by Ed Cray
My ambition's to go on the stage;
From this you can se that I've got 'em.
In pantomine I'm all the rage,
I'm the hole in the elephant's bottom.
Oh! the girls think that I'm it,
As they sit in the stalls I can spot 'em,
And I wink at the girls in the pit
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
One night we performed in a farce
And they stuffed up the bottom with cotton,
But it split and I showed my bare arse
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
There are pockets inside in the cloth
For two bottles of Bass, if you got 'em.
But they hiss and they boo when I blow out the froth
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
Now my part hasn't got any words
But there's nothing that can't be forgotten,
I spend all my time pushing property turds
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
Some may think that this story is good
And some may believe that it's rotten,
But those that don't like it can stuff it right up
The hole in the elephant's bottom.
Should the Japanese make an attack,
Then hundreds of bombs they will drop 'em,
But we'll keep 'em at bay with an Oerliken gun
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
I NEED A SHEEP
Melody - Scotland the Brave
Bring me some whiskey, mother,
I'm feeling frisky, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
I need a lover, mother,
No, not my brother, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
Gerbils don't make it, mother,
They just can't take it, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
Owls, bats and other critters,
Just tend to give me jitters.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
Sheep never talk about it,
They never ever doubt it.
Always so placid, affectionate and nice!
Give me that lanolin,
Better than flannel-in.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
LITTLE BIRD
Melody - Military-Style Cadence Chant
Contributed by Chimp Pimp, Osan Bulgogi HHH
Little bird
With a yellow bill
Sat upon
My window sill
Lured him in
With a piece of bread
Then I smashed
His birdie head
I scooped him in
With a Dixie cup
Then I swallowed
Him right up
The morale of
The story is
If you want some head
Better eat your bread.
THE LITTLE BROWN MOUSE
Melody - Itself
Oh, the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor,
And the place was closed for the night,
When out from his hole crept a little brown mouse,
And sat in the pale moonlight.
Oh, he lapped up the liquor on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear him roar,
BRING ON THE GODDAMNED CAT!
OPTIONAL VERSE:
Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat,
And the cat ate up on the mouse,
And the moral of the story is,
YOU CAN'T DRINK LIQUOR ON THE HOUSE!
THE LOBSTER SONG
Melody - The Chisholm Trail
"Oh, mister fisherman, home from the sea,
Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?"
CHORUS:
Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust,
Never let your ballocks dangle in the dust.
"Yes sir, yes sir, I have three,
And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to thee."
So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't find a dish,
So I put the fucking lobster where the missus has a piss.
In the middle of the night, as you well know,
The missus got up to have a heave ho.
Well, first there came a groan, and then there came a grunt,
And the bloody lobster grabbed her by the cunt.
The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed thebroom,
And we chased the fucking lobster round and round the room.
We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side,
We hit that fucking lobster till the bastard died.
Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it,
Always have a look before you take a shit.
That's the end of my story, there isn't any more,
There's an apple up my asshole, and you can have the core.
Down in Nagasaki the monkey fucked the cat,
And all the cat could do was fuck the monkey back.
MOOSE SONG - Version # 1
Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4 (some verses by Flying Booger, jHavelina
HHH; and Satan, Pittsburg HHH)
CHORUS (SUNG WHILE MAKING ANTLERS ON HEAD WITH HANDS):
Moose, moose, I love a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose,
My life has been merry,
My women been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a moose.
When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay,
I go to the closet and pull out some hay,
I open the window and spread it around,
Because moose will come running when there's hay on the ground.
HARRIERS' VERSES:
When I was a young lad I played with the girls,
I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls,
But my true love ran off with a classmate named Bruce,
I never got treated that way by a moose.
Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,
I spend all my money on them in bars,
But a moose is content to be tied to a tree,
While I find other mooses to satisfy me.
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you humps with a moose.
HARRIETTES' VERSES:
All my past lovers did brag about size,
Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but lies,
But a moose is the size that a man ought to be,
That's why from now on it's mooses for me.
When I was much younger I read dirty books,
I stroked myself with each gazing look,
But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,
Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle.
Now that I'm older and into my years,
I'll have you to know that I shed no tears,
While I lay by the fire with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose.
MOOSE SONG - Version # 2
Melody - Villikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike)
By Anne Bredon, contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4. This appears to be the
original version of the "Moose Song."
There's an infamous song goin' 'round 'bout a moose,
It's really quite funny and quite full of juice,
But all of it's told from a masculine view,
And a lot of us women want to get a piece too.
CHORUS:
Moose, moose, I want a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had lots of others, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I figured it all out one day by myself,
When my man went off and left me on the shelf,
He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess,
Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress.
"What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose,"
Said I as I set out to find me a moose,
But I ran into problems that men do not mind,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll find.
I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,
I hunted all summer and found not a thing,
But I found my moose when leaves started to fall,
And . . . oh brother! did I have a ball.
With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by his tail,
I hanged and we banged and we really did flail,
Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar,
I never had had such a great lay before.
But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye,
I'll be here next year when the leaves start to fly,
Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall,
And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball.
And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess,
Being balled by a moose, it is really the best,
But you'll make out with others for most of the year,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear.
A bear in the winter is furry and warm,
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light,
That is if you are not afraid of great height.
In summer, I fear, you must make do with men,
But, not to worry, soon fall comes again.
Then you can return to your own faithful moose, And revel in supremely
scrumptious screws.
MOOSE SONG - Version # 3
Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
Version known to Walt Leipold, contributed by Ed Cray
When I'm in the mood for a very good lay,
I go to the closet and get me some hay,
I go to the woods and I spread it around,
For the moose come out when there's hay on the ground
CHORUS:
And it's moose! Moose! I want a moose!
I have never had anything quite like a moose!
I've had many women, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose
When I was a young man I did it with girls,
I fondled their breasties and played with their curls,
But my true love ran off with a salesman named Bruce...
Now, I've never been treated like that by a moose.
Well, I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs weren't there,
I've done it with llamas and sheepdogs and goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
Oh, gorillas are fun on a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers can put up a fight,
But it's not quite the same when I ram their caboose,
As the feeling I get when I hump on a moose.
Well, now that I'm old and advanced in my years,
When I look at my past I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in my rocker with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with Millie the Moose!
MOOSE SONG - Version # 4
Melody - Sweet Betsy From Pike
Version known to Joe Bethancourt, Thomas Payton, et al, contributed by Ed Cray
When I was a young girl (man) I used to like boys (girls),
I fondled their tights (bodies) and played with their toys (curls),
But me boy (girl) friend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose!
CHORUS:
So it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose,
I've never had anything quite like a Moose,
I've had many lovers, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!
Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
I go to me stables and gets me some hay,
I opens me window and spreads it around,
'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose!
I've tried many beasties on land or on sea
I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!
Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose
But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose!
Woodchucks are all right except that they bite
And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night!
Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce
But you never need worry should you find a moose!
Step in my study, and trophies you'll find
A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion
You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth
And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose!
The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six
Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix
The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse
But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose!
I've found many women attracted to me
A few of them have had me over for tea
Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose
But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!
The good Lord made Adam, and then He made Eve
Said He: "If you sin now, I'll ask you to leave!"
They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit
But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute!
The English are said to like boars who've had corn
The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn
The Germans, it's said, just need leather and rope
But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope!
Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state
They've put me in prison and locked up the gate
They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose!
Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears
"We've commuted your sentence to ninety-nine years!"
"You won't get parole; not a five minute's truce,
And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"
(slowly)
Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,
I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
And play hide the salami with Marvin (Millie) the Moose!
MY GIRLFRIEND'S A BIT OF A BEAST
Melody - Unknown
They say that my girlfriend's a bit of beast,
I have to admit that it's true,
She's an animal lover to say the least,
And now only a donkey will do.
She once climbed in the cage with a tapir,
Now they won't let her into the zoo,
She was trying to persuade it to rape her,
But now only a donkey will do.
She's done it with dogs,
She's done it with hogs,
She tried with an ape,
But the monkey cried rape,
So now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.
I got home one day and found her dog-knotted,
With the Rottweiler from next door,
By several neighbours she was spotted,
As the pair crept around on all fours,
The dog was panting, exhausted,
It plight couldn't be ignored,
Can't tell if it was willing or she forced it,
But my girl was crying out for more.
She'll try with a goat,
Or curl up with a stoat,
She tried intercourse,
With a willing race horse,
But now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.
They won't let my girlfriend visit the farm,
Where she had a stable relationship,
With the Hereford bull that lived in the barn,
And the ram that serviced the sheep;
Cos the stallion the farmer rode to the hunt,
Was too tired to trot to the meet,
Now she keeps a donkey and performs some neat stunts,
Cos my girlfriend's a bit of a beast.
She'll do it for a laugh,
With a tiger or giraffe,
By a sheepdog she got tupped,
(But we didn't keep the pups),
But now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.
(add verses and choruses as mood dictates)
THE OLD BROWN COW
Melody - The Old Gray Mare
The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall,
The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall,
The old brown cow went pffftz against the wall,
And the wall was covered in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
PUSSY CAT SONG
Melody - ???
Contributed by Zippy (copyrighted material)
My pussy cat, at my back door,
Scratched so long my pussy got sore,
Sore pussy. Sore pussy. Just a friendly little cat.
My pussy cat playing in the back lot,
Played so hard my pussy got hot.
Hot pussy. Sore, hot pussy. Just a friendly little cat.
My pussy cat sittin' on the front steps.
It began to rain and my pussy got wet.
Wet pussy. Sore, hot, wet pussy. Just a friendly little cat.
My pussy cat rocking in a chair,
Rocked so long it lost all it's hair.
Bald pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald pussy. Just a friendly little cat.
My neighbor stole my pussy cat away from me,
But I went and set my pussy free.
Free pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald, free pussy. Just a friendly little cat.
My pussy cat ran on this trail,
Got covered in mud from head to tail.
Stanky pussy. Sore, hot, wet, bald, free, skanky pussy. Just a friendly little
cat.
RHODE ISLAND RED
Melody - Itself
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
Has anybody seen my cock,
My big Rhode Island Red?
He's mostly pink, with a little bit of blue,
And he's purple on his head (Gor Blimey).
He stands straight up in the morning,
And he gives me wife a shock,
Has anybody seen, anybody seen,
Anybody, anybody seen my cock?
He's a right big-headed little upstart,
The best you've ever seen.
He could have got gonorrhea,
Instead he got gangrene.
He should have worn a condom,
But the silly sod forgot,
Has anybody seen, has anybody seen,
Has anybody seen my cock?
THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
(Take turns leading verses)
The sexual life of the camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season
He tries to bugger the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior sphincter
Is clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
CHORUS:
Singing, bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty, aye.
Singing, bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty, aye.
In the process of civilization,
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy
Has buggered whatever it can,
Yet recent extensive researches
By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,
Conclusively prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore believe our conclusion
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven't they done it at Spithead,
As they've done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines off its tail?
So come all you hashers,
And to the occassion arise,
Grab yourselves a hedgehog,
And enjoy a real suprise.
The following instructions,
Will ensure you do not fail,
Simply ream out its ass with a hosepipe,
And shave the spines off its tail.
The sexual life of the ostrich,
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries its head in the sand,
And if another ostrich finds it,
Standing there with its ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind it,
Or doesn't it bloody well care?
It was Christmas Eve in the harem,
The eunuchs all standing there,
A hundred dusky maidens,
Combing their pubic hair.
When along came Father Christmas,
Striding down the marble halls,
When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,
The eunuchs all answered, "Our balls!"
Oh, the old men were having a birthday,
Standing at the bar,
Thinking about the old times,
Thinking back so far.
When along came a youthful maiden,
By Christ she was so fair,
When she asked what they'd like for their birthday,
The old men all shouted, "Hair!"
My name is Cecil,
I come from Leicester Square,
I wear open-toed sandals,
And a rosebud in my hair.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we all go out in pairs.
My name is Basil,
My friend's name is Bond,
When we go out together,
They call us Basilden Bond.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go out in pairs.
I went for a ride on a "Puff Puff,"
I found I had to stand,
A little boy offered me his seat,
So I went for it with my hand.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queer together,
That's why we go out in pairs.
SKIPPY THE SQUIRREL
Melody - Frosty the Snowman
By Jim "Whiff" Montgomery of the Pittsburgh HHH, "Skippy" is based upon
supposedly true events and was composed and performed during Americas InterHash
'89 in San Diego
Skippy the Squirrel is a jolly happy soul,
With his smashed out brains and his broken nose,
And some gravel up his hole.
Skippy the Squirrel is a hasher's tale they say,
He was just too slow and the hashers know,
He was squished to death one day.
There must have been some magic,
In that old dead squirrel they found,
For when they tied him to the bus he began to fly around.
Oh, Skippy the Squirrel is as dead as he can be,
But the hashers say he can hash and play,
Just the same as you and me.
(happy whistle interlude)
Skippy the Squirrel knew the sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Lets run,
And we'll have some fun, before I rot away."
Down to the Apres, with a rope tied to his tail,
Flying here and there, all around the square,
Saying , "You'll go straight to hell."
He led them down the trail that day,
Right to a parking lot,
Where Monster Bator licked a girl,
Whose father called a cop.
Monster and Skippy had to hurry out of there,
But they waved good-bye,
Sayin ', "Don't you cry, we'll be back again next year."
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,
Hear those squirrelies die,
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,
Look at Skippy fly.
THE SOLE SONG
Melody - The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers
Contributed by Yogi, East Grinstead HHH, UK
What a wonderful fish the sole is,
A wonderful fish is the sole . . .
Wonderful fish, served hot on a dish,
Are soles, are soles, are soles. . . .
TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC
Melody - Teddy Bears' Picnic
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
If you go down to the woods today,
You're in for a big surprise.
If you go down to the woods today,
You'll never believe your eyes.
'Cause Mum and Dad are having a screw,
Uncle Frank is having a wank,
And Auntie D is having it off with Granddad.
Those angel bears have come on their bikes,
All dressed in their leather gear.
There's gallons of scrumps all green with lumps,
And horrible Watney's beer.
Now one of 'em downed a pint of it quick,
And then was promptly horribly sick,
And filled up Paddington Bear's new wellies.
THREE BLIND JELLYFISHES
Melody - (sort of like the Monty Python "I Like Traffic Lights" song)
Contributed by Jammies
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One fell down . . . Ahhhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . One climbed back . . . HURRAY
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . .
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One . . . more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY ....
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY ....
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . .
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more fell down . . . Ahhhhh
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
One more jelly fish fell down . . . Ahhhhh
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes
No blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait a minute . . . one climbed back . . . HURRAY . . .
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes
One blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes
Two blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one more climbed back . . . HURRAY
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes
Three blind jelly fishes sitting on a rock
Wait . . . one fell down . . . Ahhhhh
etc.
UP JUMPED THE MONKEY
Melody None (this is a chant leader first, repeated by pack)
Up jumped the monkey from the coconut grove.
He was a cool mother fucker you could tell from his clothes.
He wore a two button Nanny with a six button stitch.
He was a hot fuckin' cock suckin' son of a bitch.
Up jumped the monkey from the coconut grove.
Well he strode through the jungle with his prick in his hand.
He said: "Look out women, I'm your bebop man!"
Oh, he lined a hundred women up against the wall.
Up jumped the monkey from the coconut grove.
He said: "Look out women, gonna fuck you all!"
Well he fucked ninety-eight till his balls turned blue.
Backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.
VIRGIN STURGEON
Melody - Reuben, Reuben, I've Been Thinking
CHORUS:
Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin sturgeon is a very fine fish,
The virgin sturgeon needs no urging,
That's why caviar is my dish.
I gave caviar to my girlfriend,
She's a virgin through and through,
Since I gave my girlfriend caviar,
There ain't nothing she won't do.
I gave caviar to my bow-wow,
All the other doggies looked agog,
He had what those bitches needed,
Wasn't he a lucky dog?
I gave caviar to my grandpa,
Grandpa's age is ninety-three,
Last time that I saw grandpa,
He's chased grandma up a tree.
My father was a lighthouse keeper,
He had caviar for his tea,
He had three children by a mermaid,
Two were kippers, one was me.
THE WILD WEST SHOW
Melody - Itself
(Take turns leading verses)
CHORUS:
We're off to see the Wild West Show,
The elephant and the kangaroo-o-oo,
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.
Leader: Now here, ladies and gentlemen, in the first cage we have the
laughing hyena.
Pack: The laughing hyena? Fantastic! Incredible! What the fuck is a laughing
hyena? Tell us about the son-of-a-bitch!!
Leader: This animal lives up in the mountains and once every year he comes down
to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years
he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has to laugh about I
don't know.
The Giraffe - This creature is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom.
Why? Every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on
me."
The Famous Tattooed Lady - On the inside of her left thigh she has tattooed
MERRY CHRISTMAS, and on the inside of her right thigh she has tattooed HAPPY NEW
YEAR, and she'd like to invite you to come up between the holidays!
The Orangutan - This animal lives in the deepest jungle, and his scrotal sac
is so pliant and flexible that as he swings from branch to branch his balls go
ORANG-U-TANG, ORANG-U-TANG.
The Oster-reich - This animal, at the first sign of danger, buries its head
in the sand and whistles through the 'hole of the afternoon.
The Rhino-sauras - This animal, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the
richest in the world. Its name is derived from the Latin "rhino" meaning money,
and "sore ass" meaning piles; hence, piles of money.
The Keerie Bird - This bird lives only in the Antarctic, and every time it
lands on the ice it says, "Keerie, Keerie, Keeriest, it's cold!"
Prince, the Rock 'n' Roll Star - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, living proof that
Little Richard and Liberace were once man and wife!
The Leo-pard - Yes, folks, the leopard has one spot on its coat for every day
of the year. What about leap year? George, lift up the leopard's tail and show
the lady the 29th of February.
The Winky Wanky Bird - Folks, by some mystery of nature, the nerves of this
bird's eyelids are connected to its scrotum. Every time it winks, it wanks,
andevery time it wanks, it winks. Hey you, boy, stop throwing sand in the bird's
eye!
The Ele-phant - The elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day it eats two
tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, and twenty buckets of rice. Madam,
please don't stand too near the elephant. Madam? Madam? Oh, dear God! George,
get the shovel!
The Mathematical Impossibility - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the girl you see
before you in this cage was ate before she was seven!
The Oozle Woozle Bird - These birds fly in a line ahead formation, and at the
first sign of danger, the last bird flies up the asshole of the bird in front,
and so on up the line. The remaining bird then flies around in ever-decreasing
circles, finally disappearing up its own fundamental orifice, from which it
proceeds to shower shit and derision in all directions.
The Tri-angular - Folks, this animal has a triangular orifice. Hence the
pyramids and the YWCA.
The Second Tattooed Lady - On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, and on the other
leg she had tattooed BRIMSTONE, and in between it looks like HELL!
The Gay-zelle - This pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right,
ladies and gentlemen, wot has the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock
to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to determine whether it
farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts.
The Well-Known Oolie-Goolie Bird - This bird, wot as you will observe if you
look carefully at it, has no legs, and is called what it is, ladies and
gentlemen, because when the male of the species comes in to land you can hear
him cry, "Ooh, me goolies! Ooh, me goolies!"
The French Pervertable - This fine automobile is the last of it's kind, no
longer for sale anywhere in the world. Notice the convertible top, the
five-speed manual transmission, the automatic cruise control, and the dual
halogen headlights. It seats two in the front and comfortably accomodates 69 in
the back.
TheTattooed Cowgirl - The tattooed cowgirl has a tattoo of Roy Clark on her
left thigh and a tattoo of Hank Williams on her right thigh . . . and who's that
in the middle, Willy Nelson?
The Antique Sales Lady - The Antique Sales Lady sells only period furniture .
. . everything has stains on it.
The Plumb Line Bird - This bird spends most of its time high above the
world's oceans, circling in the jet stream until it spies what it is after.
Immediately it folds its wings, dives toward the sea, and gathers an
ever-increasing momentum until it reaches terminal velocity. At that precise
moment it hits the surface of the sea but continues diving straight down, now
with decreasing momentum, until, if it has got the timing precisely right, it
comes to a stop behind a sardine which has just farted, whereupon it seizes the
bubble in its beak for use in spirit levels.
The Circus Acrobat - If you will but observe the Circus Acrobat's ass you
will observe a tattooed M on one cheek and a corresponding M on the other. When
he bends over he spells MOM. When he stands on his head he spells WOW. When he
turns cartwheels, he spells WOW MOM WOW.
The Female Mathematician - This lady, folks, believes that this (hold fingers
three inches apart) is twelve inches.
The Famous Oooh-Aaah Bird - The male of this species, ladies and gentlemen,
resides at the North Pole while the female resides at the South Pole. At the
appointed season the male Oooh-Aaah flies south from the North Pole and the
female Oooh-Aaah flies north from the South Pole until they meet at the Equator,
whereupon one can here them call, "Ooooooooooh-Aaaaaaaaaah!"
The Tri-Angular Iceberg - A most uncommon iceberg, ladies and gentlemen,
where on the first side you will see an Indonesian keeping a private school, and
on the second side an American keeping a private school, while on the third side
you will observe a polar bear sliding up and down, keeping his privates cool.
The Homosexual Sparrow - This bird is so called, ladies and gentlemen,
because sometimes he flies backwards for a lark.
The Infamous Fuccari Tribe - This tribe, as you will see, dear friends, is
composed of small-statured people wot live in the middle of Africa, where the
grass grows to an incredible height of 18 feet or more, and all day long the
members of this tribe wander, calling, "Where the Fuccari? Where the Fuccari?"
The Fight Between the Snake and the Ostrich - (Please note that this one is
limited only by the teller's imagination and the audience's patience. So far the
Guinness Book of Records has refused to list the longest known version, but a
respectable average would be around 15 minutes. What follows is a bare outline;
embellish it as you will): In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands
the ostrich (to be followed by a life history of the contestant, fight record,
size of jock strap, etc.), while in the right-hand corner stands the snake
(ditto). And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for round one (followed
by a description of the fight - this round, and all subsequent rounds, should
take at least three minutes of fast talking, and should all end in the same
waywith the snake diving into the ostrich's mouth, wriggling swiftly through the
ostrich's digestive apparatus, and emerging from it's asshole. Because of this
clever maneuver, each round goes to the snake, until the FINAL round, wherein
the snake finally dives into the ostrich's mouth, swiftly wriggles through the
ostrich's digestive apparatus, and is ABOUT to emerge from its asshole when the
ostrich shoves its beak up its own asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you
bastard!").
WOODPECKER SONG
Melody - Dixie
I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
REMOVE IT!"
I removed my finger from the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Put it back, put it back, put it back,
REPLACE IT!"
OTHER VERSES:
Replaced/turn it round/REVOLVE IT!
Revolved/turn it back/REVERSE IT!
Reversed/in and out/RECIPROCATE IT!
Reciprocated/slow it down/RETARD IT!
Retarded/once again/REPEAT IT!
Repeated/let it go/RELEASE IT!
Released/pull it out/RETRACT IT!
Retracted/take a whiff/REVOLTING!
YELLOW BIRD
Melody None (this is a chant leader first, repeated by pack)
A little bird
With a little beak
Was sittin' on
My toliet seat
I pushed him in
I flushed him down
I watched his ass
Go round and round
A Yellow bird
A yellow bill
Was sittin' on
Mmy window sill
I lured him in
With a piece of bread
Then I smashed
His yellow head
A bigger bird
With a bigger bill
Was sittin' on
My window sill
I lured him in
With a piece of bread
Then I smashed
His bigger head
The doctor came
To check their heads
He said for sure
These birds aren't dead
Oh me Oh my
I'm such a klutz
I missed their heads
And crushed their nuts
The morale of
This story is
If ya can't get head
(really loud) Use your bread!
Alternate ending:
The moral of
The story is clear.
If you kiss a bird
You're probably queer.
Alternate ending:
The moral of
The story is
To get some head
You need some bread!
YOGI BEAR SONG
Melody - Camptown Races
(Take turns leading verses)
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi,
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.
CHORUS (REPEAT PREVIOUS VERSE):
Yogi, Yogi Bear,
Yogi, Yogi Bear,
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.
Other verses:
Yogi has a little friend, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo
Boo-Boo has a girlfriend, Cyndi, Cyndi
Yogi has a girlfriend, Suzi, Suzi
Cyndi has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly
Cyndi wears crotchless undies, Teddy, Teddy
Cyndi likes it on the ice, Polar, Polar
Cyndi gets what she deserves, Pregnant, Pregnant
Suzi likes it up the rear, Dirty, Dirty
Suzi's boyfriend has no teeth, Gummi, Gummi
Suzi's snatch it smells like cheese, Camel, Camel
Suzi she has great big tits, More than, More than (I can bear)
Suzi gets four bits an hour, Jingle, Jingle
Cyndi's tampon has no string, Cotton, Cotton
Yogi didn't use a condom, Daddy, Daddy
Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala
Boo-Boo has a twelve-inch cock, Cindy's a lucky bear
Boo-Boo's only three feet tall, Yogi's a lucky bear
Boo-Boo likes it up the butt, Yogi's a lucky bear
Yogi didn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown
Yogi uses Afro-Sheen, Black, Black
Yogi got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy
Yogi lights Kuwaiti farts, Saddam, Saddam
Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, Wanker
Yogi also likes young boys, Poofter, Poofter
Song ender: Yogi he has HIV, Dying, Dying . . .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SPOKEN WORD
A Dangerous Place
Ballad of Eskimo Nell
Farter From Sparta
Head Chant
Limericks
Poetry
Man Poem
Recitals
Shit List
Spam Skit
Street of the Thousand Assholes
Toasts
Two Shits of Verona
World According to Student Bloopers
A DANGEROUS PLACE
Twas just across the border,
On the banks of the Kangaroo,
My uncle owned a brothel,
And a fucking beauty too.
Resting her head in a spunk filled bed,
Was Nellie, sucking a roarer,
While on the floor, jacked up a whore,
Was my uncle, Dan McGraw.
Suddenly the lights went out,
A shot rang out,
A woman screamed,
Plop! Her guts fell out,
I got out.
What a cunt of a place that was.
THE BALLAD OF ESKIMO NELL
Dramatic Recitation
Gather round all you whorey,
Gather round and hear this story!
When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his tool turns blue,
And it bends in the middle
Like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell,
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed, and sad,
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
But the shootin' ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Just a moose or two and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly wick,
The action was mighty slow.
So do or dare this horny pair
Set forth for the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick,
And Pete with his gun in his hand.
And as they blazed their noisy trail
No man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride,
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grande
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slake their thirst and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's Saloon.
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free,
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You'll drink or fuck with me."
They'd heard of the man called Dead-eye Dick,
From Maine to Panama,
And with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,
Those dagos sought the bar.
The girls too knew of his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
So forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete
twitch on the trigger grip,
And they didn't waitat a fearful rate,
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
Soon forty asses were bared to view,
And likewise forty cunts.
Now forty asses and forty cunts,
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand,
It may be rare in Berkeley Square,
But not on the Rio Grande.
Now Dead-eye Dick had bungholed a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to show his fun,
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in ramming trim
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
And scored a hole in one.
He bore her to the sawdust floor
And there he swived her fine,
And though she grinned it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick
He's got no time to spare,
For speed and length combined with strength,
He fairly singes hair.
He made a dart at the next spare tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid,
And her name it was Eskimo Nell.
By this time Dick had got his prick
Well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell,
She bawled to him, "Hey you!"
He gave a flick of his muscular prick
And the girl flew over his head,
And he wheeled about with an angry shout,
His face and his prick burning red.
She stared our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry,
With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn
That rose from his hairy thigh.
She blew the smoke from her cigarette
Over his steaming knob,
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete,
He failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell,
In accents clear and cool,
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp,
You call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can't take that down,"
She sneered to those cowering whores,
"Here's one little cunt can do the stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She stripped her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride,
And as she stood in her womanhood,
They saw the great divide.
She seated herself on a table top
Where someone had left his glass,
With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits,
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her legs apart,
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two,
He meant to take his time,
And a girl like this was sexual bliss,
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his buttocks to and fro
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like the granite knobs
On top of a garden gate.
He blew his anus inside out,
His organ increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick,
Till it almost reached his eyes.
He polished it up with alcohol
And made it steaming hot,
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.
Then neither did he take a run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop,
And a steady forward creep.
With piercing eye he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And the steady grin as he pushed it in,
Was calculatedly cool.
Have you seen the giant pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse,
Well, you know what pistons are,
Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn
The ins and outs of the trick,
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a guy like Dead-eye Dick.
But Eskimo Nell was an infidel,
As good as a whole harem,
With the strength of ten in her abdomen,
And the rock of ages between.
She could take the stream of a lover's cream
Like the flush of a water closet,
And she gripped his cock like the Chatsworth lock
On the National Safe Deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours.
Nell lay for awhile and then with a smile,
The grip of her twat grew keener,
With a squeeze of her thigh she sucked him dry,
Like a brand-new vacuum cleaner.
She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The basic cause and primary laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools,
In a second or two went West.
And so my friends we come to the end
Of copulation's classic,
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick,
And akin to an anesthetic.
He fell to the floor and knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
And he did not shout as his tool slipped out,
Although it was stripped to a thread.
Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a jarring jolt his blue-nosed Colt,
He jammed it up her cunt.
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired three times three,
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And squealed in ecstasy.
She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet,
"Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you poor pussies could do."
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun."
"I'm going back to the frozen North,
Where cocks are hard and strong,
Back to the land of the frozen stand,
Where the nights are six months long."
"It's hard as tin when they put it in,
In the land where spunk is spunk,
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a solid frozen chunk."
"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two to a bed
And the babies masturbate."
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song."
"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail,
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold that the Rubbers are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow."
"In the valley of death with bated breath
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
And the rotting corpses screw."
"Back to the land where men are men,
Terra Bellicum.
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the North is calling, 'Come.'"
So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk out of the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.
When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his tool turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?
THE FARTER FROM SPARTA
There was a young farter from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Seventh Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
He could whistle, could warble and hum,
By constricting the hole in his bum,
And make animal sounds,
Or fire artillery rounds,
With the force of a field cannon gun.
The fabulous farter from Sparta,
Performed at command by Royal Charter,
Did Brahms, Grieg and Mozart,
For "Piano and Fart,"
And for an encore he did Bach's Toccata.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could fart a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
He's accompanied Oasis and Blur,
And done backing music for Cher,
Though his style is obscene,
It's been used on big screen,
In sound effects on the movie Ben Hur.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And whiffle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Ood, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
When Sparta's farter was truly on form,
His asshole could outplay a French horn,
He'd give all day recitals,
With the air from his vitals,
After a large plate of leeks and some corn.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
He could imitate jets supersonic,
Or play compositions symphonic,
He played Handel's Messiah,
He reached top C and higher,
But only after a mammoth colonic.
A family size can of baked beans,
Could fuel the main movie themes,
Star Wars and some westerns,
Were most often requested,
Though the odour was somewhat obscene.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B Major.
He could play Holst's Mars and Uranus,
By expelling the air from his anus,
He did Copacabana,
But his Carmina Burana,
Was proclaimed a cantus profanus.
This man with the musical arsehole,
Was asked to perform at a castle,
He ignited his gas,
Near exploded his ass,
And the Count cried out "Once more, you rascal!"
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
The Count hosted the concert with style,
And the queue to get in was a mile,
The farter ate leeks,
Lived on beans for two weeks,
Knowing his farts were on trial.
He practised by farting some tunes,
Till his arsehole made sounds like bassoons,
Symphonies, sonatas,
Serenades and cantatas,
And the theme from The Mouse on the Moon.
He played The Ride of The Valkyries,
And brought the whole crowd to their knees,
Women fainted and screamed,
At The Dambusters theme,
And The Flight of the Bumblebee.
He farted on feeling quite merry,
Did the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies,
His farts echoed and swelled,
(And so did the smell),
And his face went as red as a cherry.
With a smell like a heap of manure,
He began the William Tell Overture,
They gasped as it started,
Cheered the farter from Sparta,
And soon they were screaming for more.
It went off in capital style,
As he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He reached the Finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with arse thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed . . .
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
One mammoth turd blocked up his arse,
Around it no fart could be passed,
His bowel filled with farts,
From his arse to his heart,
And inflated his belly with gas.
All at once the poor farter exploded,
His expanding bowel overloaded,
The room filled with screams,
As gas-filled intestines,
Rose up to the ceiling and floated,
Like a string of long brown balloons,
His innards were strung round the room,
The odour was ripe,
So the Count lit his pipe,
And the whole place went up with a BOOM!
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with these words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
HEAD CHANT
Head? Who said head?
I'll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!
And I did, and it was good,
And there was much rejoicing.
And then we fucked. We fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, bushes, and flowers.
Frightening small children and woodland animals.
We fucked with power tools.
We fucked like Vikings, with horns on our head.
Head? Who said head?
I'll take some of that!
Oooh-rah!
LIMERICKS
Melody (chorus only) - Mexican Hat Dance (Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay)
The chorus is sung, the limericks spoken. The object is to take turns telling
limericks, with everyone singing the chorus between limericks. Whoever said the
previous limerick usually yells out the personal insult in the chorus.
(Limericks marked by "F.B." are Flying Booger originals. The extensive
collection of personal insults was contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4)
CHORUS:
Aye, aye, aye, aye,
(insert personal insult): Your mother's a whore on a troopship,
So sing me another verse that's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie.
MORE INSULTS:
Your mother and father were brothers
Your brother fills empty cream donuts
Your father eats your brother's cream donuts
Your sister eats bat shit off cave walls
Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens
Your mother and sister are brothers
Your sister leaves slime trails like snails
Your mother does squat thrusts on fireplugs
Your brother eats grandfather's donuts
Your sister douches with Drano
Your sister swims after troop ships
(and catches them)
(and swims back)
Your sister's in love with a carrot
Your sister goes down for a quarter
Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones
Your father does eight-year old Brownies
Your mom uses Frisbees for diaphragms
Your sister got turned down by hashers
Your mother eats shit and lives
Your mother's vibrator is made by John Deere
Your mother uses hamsters for tampons
Your sister rides bikes without seats
Your mother's so dry the crabs carry canteens
Your mother goes down on Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh goes down on your sister
______
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
When a woman in strapless attire,
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, "How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
There was a young man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia,
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
There was a young lady named Anna,
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
Which she sucked bit by bit,
From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Just stroking the butt of his madam,
He was quaking with mirth,
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls, and he had 'em.
There was a young lady named Alice,
Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice,
It was not for the need,
She committed the deed,
But simple sectarian malice.
A young married couple from Aberystwyth,
Knew another young couple they played whist with,
They all managed when able,
To reach under the table,
And play with what the other ones pissed with.
A mathematician named Fine,
Always showed her classes a good time,
Instead of multiplication,
She taught fornication,
And never got past sixty-nine.
There was a young dino named Barney,
Whose treatment of kids was quite smarmy,
He'd probe every hole,
Then swallow 'em whole,
Till his shit looked like children con carne.
There was a young lady from Munich,
Who was ravished one night by a eunuch,
At the height of her passion,
He slipped her a ration,
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
There once was a woman from Phlox,
Who set dynamite off in her box,
To describe the sensation,
She cried with elation,
"It's better than elephant cocks!"
A woman from South Carolina,
Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina,
With proper sized cocks,
What was sex, became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
An unfortunate fellow named Chase,
Had an ass that was badly misplaced,
He showed indignation,
When an investigation,
Proved that few persons shit through their face.
A certain young maiden from Babylon,
Decided to lure all the rabble-on,
By dropping her shirt,
And raising her skirt,
Exposing a market to dabble-on.
There's a charming young lady named Julie,
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now . . . it's appallin',
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth.
It was not for the treasure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But to get at the cheese underneath.
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
He espied a nude girl on a ladder.
Her position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climed up the ladder and had 'er.
There once was a novice at Chichester,
Whose form made the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins,
Her bosom 'neath stains,
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir.
A Roman who hailed from Gadondom,
Used a fried hedgehog's hide for a condom.
His mistress did shout,
As he pulled the thing out,
"De gustibus non disputandum!"
(there is no disputing taste)
There was a young man from Aberystwyth,
Who said to the girl he just kissed with,
"That hole in your crotch,
Is for fucking and such,
And not just a gadget to piss with."
There was a young lady called Annie,
Who had fleas, lice, and crabs up her fanny,
To get up her flue,
Was like touring the zoo,
There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.
There was an old whore from the Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
,Even dogs in the street,
Wouldn't touch the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
There was a young girl from Assizes,
Whose breasts were of two different sizes,
The left one was small,
Sweet nothing at all,
The right one was large and won prizes.
There was a young lady in Brent,
Whose old man's pecker was bent,
She said with a sigh,
"Oh why must it die?
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."
There was a young man of Koblenz,
The size of whose balls was immense,
One day playing soccer,
He sprung his left knocker,
And kicked it right over the fence.
There was a young lady named Alice,
Who used dynamite for a phallus,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.
There once was a lady from Arden,
Who sucked a man off in a garden,
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said (swallow hard)"I beg pardon?"
There was a young lawyer named Rex,
With diminutive organs of sex,
When hauled in for exposure,
He replied with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."
(the law does not concern itself with trivial things)
She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity.
So nobody guessed,
That her Wasserman test,
Involved half of Oklahoma City.
There was a young lady named Alice,
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice,
One night sleeping nude,
She woke, feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.
There once was a Filipino hombre,
Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre.
His trousers were wide,
And his shirt hung outside,
And this, I may say, was costumbre.
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
But the scent - Ah, that was a failure.
There was a young fellow named Babitt,
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Lahore,
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
A lady astrologist in Vancouver,
Once captured a man by maneuver.
Influenced by Venus,
She jumped on his penis,
And nothing on Earth could remove her.
There was a young lady of Dexter,
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start,
He'd unfailingly fart,
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
There was a young lady from France,
Who decided to take just one chance.
For an hour or so,
She just let herself go,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There was a young lady from Maine,
Who enjoyed copulating on a train.
Not once, I maintain,
But again and again,
And again and again and again.
An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
'Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months' duration.
There once was a Duchess of Bruges,
Whose cunt was incredibly huge,
Said the King to his Dame,
As he thunderously came,
"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
Sir Reginald Basington Bart,
Went to a masked ball as a fart,
He had painted his face,
Like a more private place,
And his voice made the dowagers start.
There was a young fellow named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
You ain't wiping as clean as you used 'ter."
There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball,
Just for a stunt,
He dressed up as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.
There was a young trucker named Briard,
Who had a young whore that he hired,
To fuck when not trucking,
But trucking plus fucking,
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.
There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who did the fandango on skates,
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
A woman from on the Equator,
Once went out to sea on a freighter,
She was screwed by the master,
An utter disaster,
But the crew all made up for it later.
I once knew a girl named Maureen,
Her cunt was a mass of gangrene,
But health nuts, she found,
Would still eat her mound,
'Cause maggots are high in protein.
There once was a whore on the dock,
From dusk unti dawn she sucked cock,
Till one day, 'tis said,
She gave so much head,
She exploded and whitewashed the dock.
There was a young man of Belgrave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said, "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save."
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
And sheep are divine,
But a llama is numero uno."
There was a young man from Bengal,
Who had a rectangular ball,
The square of its weight,
Plus his penis times eight,
Was two-fifths of five-eights of fuck all.
There once was a poet named Dude,
Whose wife was a bit of a prude,
But after a beer,
She'd start feeling queer,
And ask the whole room if they screwed.
There once was a fellow from Beverly,
Went in for fucking quite heavily,
He fucked night and day,
Till his ballocks gave way,
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.
There once was a Bishop of Buckingham,
Who wrote "Assholes and Twelve Ways of Rooting 'em,"
He then went berserk,
When outdone by a Turk,
Who wrote "Goats and Twelve Ways of Fucking 'em."
When her daughter got married in Bicester,
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
"That fellow you've won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he's fucked me and your sister."
Then there was the Bishop of Birmingham,
Who screwed all the girls while confirming 'em,
To the roars of applause,
He'd pull down their drawers,
And inject his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
There was a young man of Bombay,
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick,
Turned the clay into brick,
And it rubbed his foreskin away.
There was a young man of Trieste,
Who loved his young wife with such zest,
That despite all her howls,
He sucked out her bowels,
And puked up the mess on her chest.
There was a bloke in Calcutta,
Who did a shit in the gutter,
Sun was so hot,
Melted his balls on the spot,
And off they flowed like butter.
There once was a young man from Boston,
Who tried to get laid in a Nissan,
There was room for his ass,
And three gallons of gas,
But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
There's plenty of room in the right 'un."
There was a young damsel named Baker,
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker,
He yelled, "My God!
What do you call thata twat?
Why the entrance is more than an acre!"
There was a young lady named Brent,
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and wide,
The acoustics inside,
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria,
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There was a young girl who begat,
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat,
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than this.
A poofter from old Khartoum,
Lured two lesbians up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham,
Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em,
He sold them at Ware,
To a gentleman there,
Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em.
There once was a man of Cape Nod,
Who attempted to bugger a cod,
When up came some scallops,
That nibbled his ballocks,
And now he's a eunuch, by God.
There was a young woman of Chester,
Who said to the man who undressed her,
"I think you will find,
That it's better behind,
As the front is beginning to fester."
There was a young woman of Croft,
Who played with herself in the loft,
Having reasoned that candles,
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.
There was a poor wretch from Cape Horn,
Who wished he'd never been born,
He wouldn't have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of his rubber was torn.
A policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a penis which just wouldn't function,
For the rest of his life,
He misled his poor wife,
With a snot on the end of his truncheon.
There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
And likewise, the vicar's,
And said, "How about it, old bean?"
A pretty young thing from Cape Cod,
Said, "Good things come only from God,"
But 'twas not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger, the lodger, the sod.
There was a young man from Killeen,
Who invented a fucking machine,
He pulled out the choke,
And the bloody thing broke,
And mixed both his balls into cream.
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's dong in her stew,
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one, too."
King Louis, the exemplar of class,
One time was romancing a lass,
When she used the word, "Damn,"
He rebuked her, "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue up my ass."
There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
There was a young lady of Kew,
Who said as the Bishop withdrew,
"The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you."
The selfsame young lady of Kew,
Said as the Vicar withdrew,
"The Verger's emerger,
Is longer and larger,
And he gets his ballocks in too."
A habit both vile and unsavory,
Kept the Bishop of London in slavery,
With lecherous howls,
He deflowered little owls,
That he kept in an underground aviary.
There was a young lady called Phoebe,
Who kept a small tame amoebae,
The wee piece of jelly,
Would crawl on her belly,
And tenderly murmur "Ich liebe."
A shiftless young man from Kent,
Made his wife fuck the landlord for rent,
But as she got older,
The landlord got colder,
And now they live in a tent.
There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There was a young lady of Trail,
Who offered her body for sale,
She was kind to the blind,
For on her behind,
Her prices were written in Braille.
A clever young harlot from Kew,
Filled up her vagina with glue,
She said, with a grin,
"If they'll pay to get in,
They can pay to get out of it too."
There was a young fellow from Kent,
Whose tool was most horribly bent,
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
There was a young man of Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were I cunt, I'd fuck it."
Classical hasher, the Flying
Booger, had all the girls sighing,
By praising their twats in,
Both Greek and in Latin,
Then fucking them till they were dying.
A man on a farm in Moritz,
Once planted two acres of titz,
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz.
The brilliant young physicist Fisque,
Was determined a security risque,
For acts of perversion,
Were his main diversion,
At which one can only say, "Tisque."
A frustrated virgin named Pugh,
Once dreamed she was having a scrugh.
Repenting her sin,
he awoke with chagrin,
At finding it perfectly trugh.
To his bride said the one-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit,
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
A guru from eastern Tibet,
Now this is the strangest one yet,
Had a member so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could skewer six yaks en brochette.
A hillbilly farmer named Hollis,
With possums and snakes sought his solace.
His children had scales,
And prehensile tails,
And voted for Governor Wallace.
Had enough? Here's more:
There once was a man from Newcastle,
Who had a collapsible asshole.
It was handy, you see,
When he farted at sea,
He could bend down and make up a parcel.
There once was a fellow from Redding,
Who was constantly wetting the bedding.
Till it made his wife say,
"I don't mind the spray,
It's the stench in the morning I'm dreading."
There was a young man from Devizes,
Whose ballocks were two different sizes.
One weighed a full pound,
And dragged on the ground,
The other was large as a fly's is.
An insatiable nymph from Penzance,
Traveled by bus to South Hants.
Five others fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver came twice in his pants.
There once was a man from Belgravia,
Found guilty of obscene behavior.
When he met little girls,
He'd rub spunk in their curls,
When cautioned he said, "Spunk makes 'em wavier."
A lady who lived in South Mimms,
Had the most overwhelming of quims.
The priest of the diocese,
Has elephantiasis,
So it wasn't all singing and hymns.
There was a young fellow from Nottingham,
Who saved up tin cans and put snot in 'em.
He threw in some shit,
To spice it a bit,
And sold 'em to boys, who shot off in 'em.
There was a young girl from Bahia,
Who liked sticking flutes up her rea-ha.
After eating escargots,
She could fart Handel's "Largo,"
Her encore was "Ave Maria."
Ermyntrude of ample proportions,
Always took contraceptive precautions.
But one day little Ermyntrude,
Let a little sperm intrude,
"Does anyone here do abortions?"
There was a young fellow from Stroud,
Who could fart unbelievably loud.
When he let go a big 'un,
Dogs were deafened in Wigan,
And the windowpanes shattered in Oudh.
There once was a sheik from Algiers,
Who said to his harem, "My dears,
You may think it odd of me,
But I've given up sodomy,
And taken up fucking." Big cheers!
Then up spoke his friend the mahout,
"Fucking's all very well, I've no doubt,
But I just had a bunk,
Up an elephant's trunk."
Cries of "Shame!" "Dirty sod!" "Chuck 'im out!"
A randy young buck of Lahore,
Was asked when he rogered his whore.
"At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight, and a quarter past four."
There was an old monk from Siberia,
Who seemed to get wearier and wearier.
No wonder_this monk,
Was sharing his bunk,
With his girlfriend, the Mother Superior.
There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would,
And he did, and he goddamn near killed her.
A chap down in old Oklahoma,
Had a cock that could sing "La Paloma."
But the sweetness of pitch,
Couldn't put off the hitch,
Of impotence, size, and aroma.
A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
When they learned of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose cunt was exceedingly small.
But the size of her anus,
Was something quite heinous,
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
A broken down harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups,
"The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
There was a young parson named Bings,
Who talked about women and things.
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
An elderly pervert in Nice,
Was long past wanting a piece.
He jacked off his hogs,
His cow, and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.
Lady apes all ran from King Kong,
Whose dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe,
Chewed the length of his staff,
And ecstatically burst into song.
A maiden who lived in Virginny,
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her,
For the pitch of her organ went tinny.
There was a young girl of Devon,
Who was raped in the garden by seven,
High Anglican priests,
The lascivious beasts,
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
Oh she knew, yes she knew, but she went.
An organist playing in York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.
And between obbligatos,
It'd much at tomatos,
And keep up his strength while at work.
The last time I dined with the King,
He did a curious thing.
He stood on a stool,
And took out his tool,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who claimed that her cherry was broken,
From riding her bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin'.
There was a young lady from Natchez,
Who happened to be born with two snatches.
She said, with some wit,
I'd give either tit,
For a man with equipment that matches.
There once was a girl named Ann Heiser,
Who claimed no man could suprise her.
But Pabst to a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now he is sadder, Budweiser.
There once was a lady from Wheeling,
Who claimed she lacked sexual feeling.
Till a cynic named Boris,
Touched her clitoris,
And they scraped her off of the ceiling.
There once was a man named McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Now, just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
There was a young fellow named Rick,
Who was cursed with a spiraling dick.
He started to hunt,
For a twisted-up cunt,
To match his curlicue prick.
He found one and took it to bed,
And then in dismay he dropped dead.
For that spiraling snatch,
Although nearly a match,
Had come with a left-handed thread.
A pretty young boy known as Kevin,
Was raped in a pasture by seven
Lascivious beasts,
(Oh, those Anglican priests!)
And such is the kingdom of heaven.
It's easy enough to be happy,
When your tits are 44-D.
But the gal worthwhile,
Can smile and beguile,
With a bosom the size of a pea.
So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda,
That the studs yearned to part her pudenda.
So they all were irate,
When her first campus date,
Wasn't Tom, Dick, or Harry - but Glenda!
There was a young lady from Worchester,
Who complained that too many men goosed her.
So she traded her scanties,
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
There was a young maiden named Hoople,
Whose bosom was triple, not duple.
She had one tit removed,
But it grew back improved:
At present Miss Hoople's quadruple.
Adam and Eve were standing by a tree.
Says Eve to Adam, "Will you eat with me?"
Says Adam to Eve, when he'd had a taste,
"Cover it with a fig leaf, or we'll
Dry out the paste!"
We recall with the fondest of ease
The front aperture of Louise.
Tho' shaped like a funnel,
'twas large as a tunnel
With a space for a flying trapeze.
We know an old gal from Decatur,
With an ass like a ripe red tomater.
She'll roll in the weeds,
While you get off your seeds,
And that's why us fellers all date her.
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her_
His chance of survival is slight.
There was a young man from Bengal,
Who claimed he had only one ball.
But two little bitches,
Pulled down this man's breeches,
And proved he had nothing at all.
What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling,
Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.
In the daytime, his skill,
Is close-order drill,
While at night, it's in close-ardor drilling!
Cried exuberant Sheik Fahzee Dik,
"The E Vitamin has a great kick!
My harem brood,
Are frequently screwed,
For it pricks up the shtick in my mick!"
A physical fellow named Fisk,
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction,
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
There was a young lady at sea,
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Said the brawny old mate,
"That accounts for the state,
Of the cook and the captain and me."
An inventor of genius named Moore,
Made himself a mechanical whore.
But he failed when he wooed her,
She unscrewed as he screwed her,
And her clit clattered down to the floor.
A self-centered sugar named Perkins,
Would work off her urges with gherkins.
Until, with a skid,
Inside her one slid,
And pickled her internal workin's.
A silly young man from Hong Kong,
Had hands that were skinny and long.
He ate rice with his fingers -
The taste of it lingers,
But now all his fingers are gone.
One evening a guru had coitus,
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
When asked what position,
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "The loetus."
Your rich coffee cake, Sara Lee,
Has made me a waist sixty-three.
My stomach, alas,
Is such a big mass,
I can't even see ME when I pee.
A lady from Kalamazoo,
Once found she had nothing to do.
So she sat on the stairs
And she counted her hairs:
Forty-three thousand and two.
Cried an overhung fellow named Bowen,
"My pecker keeps growin' and growin'.
It's got so tremendulous,
So long and so pendulous,
It's no good for pecking . . . just showin'!"
There once was a fellow named Potts,
Who was prone to having the trots.
But his humble abode,
Was without a commode,
So his carpet was covered with spots.
A pretty young lady named Vogel,
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole,
Nosed into her hole -
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
There was a young girl from East Lynn,
Whose mother (to save her from Sin),
Had filled up her crack,
With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux,
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To ensure his regard,
She would squat in his yard,
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
There was a young lady from Rheims,
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
A friend poked around,
And a fly-button found,
Lodged tight in her hole, so it seems.
A hot blooded damsel, Miss Pickett,
Had a hickey flare up in her thickett.
The young doctor said,
"Now lady, get spread,
It's obvious I'll have to prickett!"
A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
There was a young man named Crockett,
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia,
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite -
She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
There once was a man named Howells,
Who sucked shit from other mens' bowels.
He also did this,
With prostitutes' piss,
And the drippings from sanitary towels!
A nervous old codger named Royce
Couldn't control his sphincter by choice.
So he speedily strode
To his favorite commode,
Blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced.
There once was a man from Los Leaver
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck
Were a canvas-backed duck,
Two canoes, and a golden retriever.
A languid young man from Racine
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, "I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been."
The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
A prudish young woman from Ealing,
Professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic called Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
The Farter from Sparta (a rare long-form limerick):
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile;
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
'Til with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed -
And collapsed in a shower of shit!
A selection of limericks by Flying Booger:
A young lady who waitressed at Hooters,
Joined a chat room on her computer,
Her screen name was Rexy,
Her postings were sexy,
Her teen fans were nocturnal polluters.
A young mousketeer from Palermo,
Fell in love with Annette Funicello,
All through that autumn,
He'd dream of her bottom,
While rubbing his privates with Jello.
When Annette joined the Mickey Mouse Club-ah,
Mr. Disney, he said Hubba-Hubba,
This girl, she's a dandy,
She makes me all randy,
Jimmy, please lend me a rubba.
That liver lipped Saudi Osama,
Had enough of the old bomb-a-rama,
Way down in his cave,
He'd cringe and he'd crave,
To hide under the burkah of Mama.
Oh pity that poor raghead Yassur,
He's lost a good bit of his stature,
The Mossad is conspiring,
His headrag to unwinding,
And putting him soon out to pasture.
Ref the soon to be former Al-Qaeda,
To myself, write a note of reminda,
While it's still on my brain,
Let me say, you're so vain,
You prob'ly think this bomb is about ya.
Sam was a right-wing New Yawkah,
A great fan of Mister Rush Limbaugh,
When Oprah's guest, a pervert,
Pulled down Donahue's skirt,
Sam, filled with glee, chuckled Haugh-Haugh.
A hasher observed on his bum,
A boil as big as his thumb,
The doc said "Let's lance it,"
The hasher said, "Eat shit,
Medice, cura te ipsum."
(physician, heal thyself)
A hasher, disgustingly vile,
Was swallowed by a crocodile,
Who digested his skin,
And most things within,
But choked on his membrum virile.
A front-running bastard named Moffat,
At seduction was one very cool cat,
He'd spread open their thighs,
With sweetly-voiced lies,
While whispering "exitus acta probat."
(the end justifies the means)
John Wayne Bobbitt, unfortunate bum,
Is back in his hospital room,
He took physical therapy,
Just a little too seriously,
Now he's got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
A horny old hasher from Brest,
Showed up at Down-Downs undressed,
When the harriettes all ran away,
He said, "There'll be another day,
Dum vita est, spes est."
(while there's life, there's hope)
A towering boor named Infernal,
Sported organs of sex internal,
When an insensitive lass,
Did take him to task,
He replied, "contraria contrariis curantur-al."
(things are cured by their opposite-als)
The OnSec from old Tallahassee
Found his dick turning into a cacti,
When his friends said "Who did it,"
He said, "I don't know yet,
But undoubtedly, dux femina facti."
(a woman is the perpetrator of the deed)
Barney, that creature with no dick,
Is so offensive he makes my old dog sick,
With weird vacant eyes,
And felt-covered thighs,
He's hardly what I'd call Jurassic.
Barney, purple master of tedium,
Drives sane adults to delirium,
Spouting multicultural drivel,
He makes our brains shrivel,
With messages of oneness ad nauseam.
When Hillary said there would be no,
White males on the cabinet or she'd go,
An ex-lover named Flowers,
Said, "Bill, use your powers,
Te hominum esse memento."
(remember you are a man)
O.J., a hero of yore,
Took to kicking in his ex's door,
Then he went a bit whacko,
Hopped in his white Bronco,
And took L.A.P.D. on a tour.
A certain young hasher from Omaha,
Sang a rude song to his Grandmama,
Crooning four-letter words,
About defecating birds,
He whipped up a grand old brouhaha.
A young harriette from Wysteria,
Saw something that caused her hysteria
Her horse got a hard-on,
She never had seen one,
She found it a total mysteria.
The hare laid a trail through Utrecht,
And very strange marks did he select,
His arrows and checks,
Were references to sex,
All drawn anatomically correct.
And last, to old Elephant Dick,
I've been trying to find you a chick,
It must be a bitch,
To lustfully itch,
For someone to tickle your wick.
POETRY
Melody - The Little Brown Jug (chorus only)
This is performed in the same manner as the Limericks, with spoken verses and
singing chorus, verses alternating around the circle
CHORUS:
Poerty, poetry,
How do you like my poetry?
Not as mellow as Longfellow,
But it's poetry.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day,
It followed her to school one day,
And a big black dog fucked it!
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.
Mary had a little ram,
He had a stunning prick,
She much preferred his services
Which made the boys feel sick.
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school,
Between two hunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb,
And it was always gruntin'.
She tied it to a five-bar gate,
And kicked its little cunt in.
Mary had a little skirt,
Split right up the side,
And every time that Mary moved,
You saw right up her thighs.
Mary had another skirt,
Split right up the front . . .
But she didn't wear it very often.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she's having leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass,
And turned its wool to nylon.
Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
Mary had a little lamb,
You've heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate,
And had a little more!
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal.
Every time it jumped the fence,
You could see its little arsehole.
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Gynecologists surrounded.
Mary had a little lamb,
A little roast, a little jam.
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz,
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn't stop it crying;
So she kicked it in the ass one day,
And sent it fucking flying.
Mary had a little lamb,
Forever it was gluing.
Making models of its friends,
In strange positions, screwing.
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to chew her slippers;
So Mary chopped off all it's legs,
With a pair of clippers.
Mary had a little lamb,
It didn't have a willy.
Mary made a big mistake,
In calling this lamb Billy.
Mary had a little lamb,
She knew just what to do;
She gave it paper and a pen,
Upon which it then drew,
A picture of a pussy cat
And said "Look, this is mine."
And Mary said "Fuck me, a talking sheep!"
Mary had a little lamb,
That had a little tail.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
And locked it in the jail
Mary had a little lamb,
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.
Mary had a little lamb,
She liked to stroke it's head.
Until one day she found her husband
Fucking it in her bed.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb didn't, because Mary was cunt.
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was sodden red;
The reason for it was you see,
It had a pick-axe through its head.
When Mary had a little lamb,
It created some division;
It was not what she'd expected,
And shocked the obstetrician.
Mary had a little lamb,
A giraffe and zebra too,
By the time she'd finished,
She'd fucked the whole damn zoo.
Mary had a little lamb
And now I've had enough
Of this stupid girl called Mary
And her wooly bit of muff.
Mary had a little twat,
Its hair was brown and curly,
Its hole was wet and smelled of fish,
Oh what a lucky girly.
Mary had a little dog,
I think it was a poodle,
It liked to lick her fanny clean
Then shaft her with its doodle.
Mary had another dog,
This one was a Yorkie,
First she made it shag and wag,
And then she took it walkies.
Hey diddle diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
The cow had a bad dose of clap.
The little dog licked,
Its balls and its prick,
And then had a bloody good crap.
The walrus is a lucky beast,
The females like his prongs,
He fucks two with his mighty tusks,
And a third one with his dong.
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Fingering his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Ain't it supposed to be a cherry?"
Little Boy Blue . . .
Because he needed the money.
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came another spider,
And crawled up inside her,
So she crushed it to death with her spoon.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when old Mother bent over,
Rover he drove her, 'cause
He had a bone of his own.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there the cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter, I guess.
There once was an old lady,
Who lived in a shoe,
She had so many kids that her
Cunt could stretch over a trash can.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do.
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock."
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown,
But not for fetching water.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
On an elephant.
Jill got down and helped
Jack off the elephant.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill,
And now they have a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill,
And now they have another daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill!
So now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high, pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's the beef!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Both carrying a bucket.
When Jill bent down, her ass was round,
And Jack decided to fuck it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For a bit of hanky panky.
Jill came back with a very sore crack,
Jack must have been a Yankee
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two-fifty,
The fuckin' whore!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses, and all the king's men,
Had one fucking big omelette.
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick,
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jackie boy he singed his prick.
Jack was nimble,
Jack was quick,
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark,
To see her shining in the dark.
Little Willie, with a thirst for gore,
Nailed his mommy's baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
Willie dear, don't spoil the paint.
Little Willie,
Brand new skates.
Hole in ice,
Pearly gates.
The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup . . . the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you, my friend, may kiss my ass.
Oh give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
A discouraging word,
After all, just what can antelope say?
Roses are violet,
Reds are blue.
I'm a dyslexic,
And stuff too you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm a schizophrenic,
And so am I.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm amnesiac,
And . . .
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That's what they tell me,
Because I'm blind.
Roses are red,
Violets are for plucking.
Girls out of high school,
Are ready for college.
Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over, love,
You're about to get fisted.
Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh! I've just cum,
Pass me a hanky.
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cause here comes my willy.
Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show me your tits.
Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
You're a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.
Roses are red,
When in reality,
Sleeping with girls,
Can't beat bestiality.
Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You're crap in bed,
So I shagged your Alsatian.
Roses are red,
It's all elementary,
Let's ring up a friend,
And try double entry.
(the following verses were contributed by TAF, Belgium Manneke Piss HHH)
Betty and Jack, up a tree
F-U-C-K-I-N-G
First cums betty then cums jack
Then cums the goo out of bettys crack
Georgie porgie , pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girlfriends eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie fucked that one eyed slut
My friend Billy,
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only two foot four.
Christ, I am coming,
My cunt is getting hot,
Please put your willy,
In an old girl's twat,
If you haven't got a willy,
A forefinger will do,
If you haven't any fingers,
Then God Bless You.
Old king cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
He chewed off his tit , ate his own shit
And washed it down with some tea
Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two , i dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That fucking whore
Mary, Mary ,quite contrary,
Trim that pussy its so damn hairy
Jack sprat could eat no fat his wife could eat no lean
So jack ignored those flabby tits and licked her asshole clean
Rock a bye baby on the tree top
Your mother's a whore
I ain't your pop
Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife , loved to beat her
Smacked her twice across the head
Fucked her ass and went to bed
Eenie meenie miney moe
Suck my dick and swallow slow
There was and old lady lived in a shoe
She had so many kids her uterus fell out
Patty cake patty cake bakers man
If your chick's on her period fuck her in the can
Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her back yard
When she took her panties off
His little dick got hard
Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
Thats more than my wife does
The fat , fuckin smelly baboon
Doe a deer, a female deer
Ray, the guy that fucked her ass
Roses are red violets are blue
I fucked your mothers ass
And she had you.
MAN POEM
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
RAMJI ARUP GUPTA RAGOUT
by Flying Booger
in Memory of Shel Silverstein
Ramji Arup Gupta Ragout
Will not clean his bathroom out.
It will not do to protest or shout,
If you have to go you hold your snout.
The floor is covered in pubic hair,
Sheets of TP lay about here and there,
The occasional toenail lends added flair,
And far-flung boogers stick everywhere.
The walls are stained with I-don't-know-what,
But I'm pretty sure it isn't just snot,
For some odd reason a sock in a knot,
Wedges under the door, where it is caught.
And the sink - it'll fail any health code,
Supported by a damp, rotting commode,
The porcelain's green and yellow with mold,
To touch that faucet you'd have to be bold.
Stinking hash socks overflow the hamper,
With jock straps and shorts that are even damper,
The smell of the laundry gets ranker and ranker,
It's so bad it'd make a skunk scamper.
What, open the window and let out the smell?
You wanna make the whole neighborhood ill?
Nauseous and queasy and green in the gill?
These noxious odors have the power to kill.
Let's don't even consider the tub,
I'd rather take dirt to my skin and then rub,
Something grows out of the drain like a shrub,
Forget it, I'd sooner go through life as a grub.
The towel rack now serves to support underwear,
Brown-stained briefs greet your astonished stare,
As if to say, "Whatever you think, I don't care,
My personal hygiene is my own affair."
A roach on the toothbrush, now that's a nice touch,
But the rat in the cabinet's a bit too much,
A year's worth of Hustler is stacked on the hutch,
With matches, butts, candy wrappers, and such.
Now we come to the toilet - Dear God! how vile,
It only gets flushed once in a while.
When Ramji Ragout deposits his pile,
The fetor is known to stun dogs at a mile.
And the tile's all greasy, gross, and grotty,
Slimy and scummy and scrungy and spotty,
Never was there a bathroom so naughty,
It really is a disgusting old potty.
If ever there were a privy or jakes,
That ought to be bombed, for Christ's loving sakes,
Ramji's shitter here, it's got what it takes,
Let's break it up into little dirt cakes.
How did this state of affairs come about?
Well, as for that, there can be no doubt:
It's simple - Ramji Arup Gupta Ragout
Will not clean his bathroom out.
RECITALS
It Came to Pass
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
It came to pass, there was no ass, there was a famine in the land. And Daniel
came unto the King, and Daniel sayeth unto the King, "Why is the Queen not a
prostitute?" and the King casteth Daniel into the lions' den.
"Fuck me," said the Queen, and no one moved except a decrepit old courtier,
who'd sat in a corner wanking for nigh on fifty years, and grabbing hold of her
by the lapels of her cunt, pulled her on like a well-worn seaboot.
"Fuck me," said the Princess and the Knight rolled on.
On the first day the King came unto Daniel, and Daniel espying the King from
afar, picked up a lump of crystallized camel shit (bullshit not being available
in those days), and let fly, hitting the King between the eyes.
"Shit," said the King, and the King's word being law in the land, 50,000 asses
turned toward the East and splattered the midday sun.
"Stop," said the Queen, and the Queen's word also being law in those days,
20,000 turds were nipped in the bud.
Nabob the Paybob
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
It came to pass, there was no ass, and NABOB, son of PAYBOB, traveled the
road from Pompey to Guzz and he was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits,
but ass bandits, who ragged him, bagged him, and shagged him and left him on the
roadside gasping for a tickler and they drew lots for his burberry.
The first person to walk past was not a tall man, he was not a short man, he was
not a fat man, he was not a thin man, but a fucking great JOSSMAN who spat on
him and crossed by on the other side.
The next person to walk by was JENNY who came unto NABOB and sayeth, "What doest
thou here?" and NABOB sayeth "I was traveling along the road from Pompey to Guzz
and I was set upon by bandits, not ordinary bandits, but ass bandits who ragged
me, bagged me, and shagged me, and left me on the roadside gasping for a
tickler, and they drew lots for my burberry." And JENNY sayeth unto NABOB,
"Dwell with me," and he dwelt.
After forty days and forty nights he came unto the bay of sickness and JENNY
sayeth unto him, "I am pregnant and what steps wilt thou take?" and NABOB sayeth
"Bloody big ones!" and disappeareth into the wilderness.
Here endeth the lesson.
Sharp Operator
From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
There was a young lady who swallowed a Wilkerson Sword stainless steel razor
blade. Not only did she suffer a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, and a
hysterectomy, but she castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, took two
fingers off a casual acquaintance, gave the vicar a harelip, and she still had
five shaves left.
One Hen Tongue Twister
This is a drinking recital I learned at the 44th TFS at Kadena Air Base, Japan -
the leader shouts the first line and everybody else shouts it back; the leader
shouts the first and second lines and everybody else shouts them back; and so on
through the tenth line - if you say it right, you drink; if you screw it up, you
drink . . . F.B.
- One hen
- Two ducks
- Three squawking geese
- Four Limerick oysters
- Five corpulent porpoises
- Six pairs of Don Alveezer's tweezers
- Seven thousand Macedonian warriors charging in full battle armor
- Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt
- Nine apathetic, syphilitic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked
propensity toward procrastination and sloth
- Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who quoth quay through
the quivy of the quarry constantly and at the same time
- Right?
- (all shout) Right!
THE SHIT LIST
(this is a bit of "Xerox-ware" slightly improved upon by Flying Booger)
The Ghost - You know you've shit; it smells like shit; there's shit on the
toilet paper; but there's nothing in the toilet.
Teflon-Coated Shit - Also known as the Ronald Reagan. Comes out so slick,
clean, and easy you don't even feel it. No traces on the paper. You have to look
in the bowl to be sure.
Gooey Shit* - Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe yourself 12 times and
still don't come clean. You end up stuffing toilet paper in your drawers to keep
from staining them. This shit leaves permanent marks on the porcelin.
The Not Again! Shit - You're all done and standing up when you realize you
have to shit some more.
The Vein-Popper - It won't come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and
purple. This is the one that killed Elvis.
The Richard Simmons - You shit so much you lose ten pounds.
Corn Shit - Self-explanatory.
The Right Now! Shit - You'd better be within ten feet of a toilet. Usually
it's part-way out by the time you get your pants down.
Green Shit - Almost always the result of eating spinach salad.
The Noisy Shit* - Accompanied by loud, stuttering farts that you can't seem
to control. This shit would embarrass Roseanne Barr.
The Sneaky Shit - You're standing there taking a piss and you feel a little
fart building up. You let it fly, and guess what? Surprise!
The King Kong* - This one is so big you have to break it into smaller chunks
before it'll flush. A coat hanger works well for this task.
The Cork Shit* - Also known as the Floater. Even after the third flush it's
still there.
Wet Cheeks Shit - Hits the water sideways and makes a big splash. It
invariably occurs when you're down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The Calamari Express - Also known as the Clinger. Comes after dining on
octopus or squid. Those little tentacles latch onto your asshole and won't let
go.
The Wish Shit - You sit for hours, all cramped up, and produce only a few
farts.
Cement Block Shit - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you dropped
this load.
The Achoo Shit* - Akin to an anal sneeze, it explodes from you with sudden
and great force. You'd better check the toilet afterwards, because it'll spray
everywhere, even up on the bottom of the seat.
Snake Shit - Fairly soft, about as big around as your thumb, and three feet
long.
Mexican Food Shit - Also known as the Screamer. You'll know it's safe to eat
again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk's Shit* - Comes the day after the night before. Shit usually
smells bad, but this shit smells BAAAAAD!
* Only occurs when there's a person of the opposite sex standing outside
waiting to use the bathroom. Usually you're in someone else's house.
THE SPAM SKIT
from Monty Python (copyrighted material)
Background noise: sounds of silverware and cups clinking, etc . . .
Male customer: "Sit here, dear."
Female customer: "All right."
Male customer (to waitress): "Morning."
Waitress: "Morning."
Male customer: "Wot you got?"
Waitress: "Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and
Spam; egg, bacon, and Spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and Spam; Spam, bacon, sausage,
and Spam; Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon, and Spam; Spam, sausage, Spam, Spam,
Spam, bacon, Spam, tomatoe, and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam; Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam . . ."
Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Spamity Spam!
Waitress: "Or Lobster Thermidor et Cruvettes with a Bernaise sauce served in
the Provencal manner with shallots and oeuvres garnished with truffle patty,
brandy, and a fried egg on top, and Spam."
Female Customer: "Have you got anything without Spam?"
Waitress: "Well, there's Spam, eggs, sausage, and Spam. That's not got much
Spam in it."
Female Customer: "I don't want any Spam."
Male customer: "Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?"
Female Customer: "That's got Spam in it."
Male customer: "Hasn't got as much Spam in it as Spam, egg, sausage, and
Spam, has it?"
Female Customer: "Wot, d'ye mean egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage without the
Spam, then?
Waitress: "Eeeeeewwaugh!"
Female Customer: "Wot d'ye mean, 'eeeeeeewwaugh?' I don't like Spam!"
Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Waitress: "Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings . . . you can't have egg,
bacon, Spam, and sausage without the Spam!"
Female Customer (screaming): "I don't like Spam!!!"
Male customer: "Hush, dear, don't cause a fuss . . . I'll have your Spam. I
love it. I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam,
Spam, Spam, and Spam."
Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Waitress: "Shut up! (Vikings stop) Baked beans are off."
Male customer: "Could I have Spam instead of the baked beans, then?"
Waitress: "You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, and Spam?"
Viking CHORUS: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spamity Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam-a-Spam, Spamity Spam, Wonderful Spam, Spamity
Spam, Lovely Spam, Lovely Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!
STREET OF A THOUSAND ASSHOLES
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
On the street of a thousand assholes
'Neath the sign of the swinging tit,
Stood a beautiful Chineese maiden,
Her name was "Who Flung Shit."
She stood in celestial splendor,
Her eyes like pools of piss,
As she diddled herself with a candle,
And stood in eternal bliss.
She thought of her friends on Bond Street,
She thought of her friends on Bow,
She thought of the score she'd laid on the floor
When in walked "One Hung Low."
"Fly into my arms thou bag of shit,"
He said with his cock in hand,
"My love for thee will last like snow
Upon the desert sand."
She gently raised her starboard tit
And scratched her itchy prat,
Then she said with a half-assed grin,
"Why don't you fuck your hat?"
Anger overcame him
As he pissed upon the wall,
Cock in hand he fucked his hat
And tread on his one good ball.
Now on the street of a thousand assholes
'Neath the sign of the pregnant cat,
They bore him away in splendor,
The man who had fucked his hat.
TOASTS
To a man:
May the bleeding piles possess him and adorn his bloody feet,
May crabs the size of horseturds climb up his legs and eat;
And when he's as old as I am and naught but a bloody wreck,
May his head fall down through his asshole and break his fucking neck.
To youth:
When I was a young man, I used to be so proud,
I had a cock so mighty, I wanted to shout out loud.
It never took a day off; it was always there,
And every morning when I shaved, it would stand and stare.
Now I'm old and weary, my pilot light's gone out,
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout,
Oh, I'm gray and wrinkled, and it sure gives me the blues,
To see the thing hang down my leg to watch me shine my shoes.
When I was a little girl, I had a little quim;
I'd stand before the looking-glass, and put one finger in.
But now that I am old and gray, and losing all my charm,
I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm.
To women:
Here's to the gash that never heals,
The more you touch it the better it feels,
Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell,
You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell.
Here's to the girl who lives on the hill,
If she won't do it her sister will
Here's to her sister!
Here's to the breezes
That blow through the treeses
And lift girls' chemises
Way over their kneeses
And show us the creases
That twitches and squeezes
And teases and pleases
And carries diseases
By Jesus!
Here's to the lady dressed in black,
Once she walks by she never looks back,
And when she kisses, oh, how sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.
Here's to the girl who I love best,
I love her best when she's undressed,
I'd fuck her sitting, standing, lying,
If she had wings I'd fuck her flying,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten!
Let's have a toast to her honor!
Response: Get on her and stay on her!
Here's to Mag, that filthy hag,
That sleazy, slimy slut.
Green fungus lies between her thighs,
And worms crawl out her butt.
Before I'd scale those scabby legs,
Or suck those pus-filled tits,
I'd drink a gallon of buzzard puke,
And die of the drizzly shits.
To love:
Man's occupation,
Is to stick his cockulation,
Up the woman's ventilation,
To increase the population,
Of the coming generation.
Here's to the game of twenty toes,
It's played all over the town.
The women play with ten toes up,
The men with ten toes down.
(this Spanish toast starts out with the man holding his glass above the
woman's and saying):
"At times above you,"
(then he moves his glass below hers and says):
"At times below you,"
(then he clinks the glasses and says):
"Always beside you,"
(then he pours a little of whatever he has in his glass into hers and says):
"And sometimes inside you!"
(In Spanish):
"A veces abajo de ti,
A veces debajo de ti,
Siempre a lado de ti,
A veces a dentro de ti!"
To a life well-lived:
Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!
To drink:
Times are hard,
And wages are small,
So drink more beer,
And fuck 'em all.
If I had a dog that could piss this stuff (hold up beer mug)
And if I thought he could piss enough
I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed
And suck his dick till we both were dead!
THE TWO SHITS OF VERONA
A Tragedy in Five Scenes by Francis Seidov Bacon
Contributed by Richard Applebee, Barbados HHH
Introduction
This is the earliest and worst of Bacon's plays, probably written about the
time of the last Banks Holiday in Barbados. The plot is sauced from
B_arnaise the Elder whose piquant writings influenced the young Bacon
during his formative years. The spectator is called upon to accept much that
is improbable and the play has none of the lyrical realism which
characterised his later works such as Omelette, Prince of Denmark, and Henry
Binnema, Part II. There can be no sympathy for the main characters whose
outrageous and unnatural cruelty drive them to their tragic doom.
Dramatis Personae
James Elliot, a butcher
Rob Bateson, a fisherman
Derek Russell, a herald (and RA)
John Clooney, a FRB
Alison Elliot, a loyal wife
Mark Doktoroff, a doctor
Malcolm Gibbons, a baker
Annie Seymour, an officer from HMS Boxer
Peppermint, a dog
About forty hashers including naval ratings.
Scene I
A rain-swept clump of trees close to Morgan Lewis beach. Several battered
vehicles lie on their sides after traversing a mile of impassable terrain.
Bruised hashers tend their wounds as if after a battle. A lynching mob is
being organised. Enter James Elliot carrying a dead pig.
Rob: Alas, poor Grunwell, I knew him well!
All: Let fall thy chopper. Despair and die!
James: Friends, Baijans, Hashermen
Give me your beers.
I come to cook this pig
Not to bury it!
The evil I have done lives after me
But the good is on these bones.
For thee alone - $6 a plate.
Peppermint: Woof, woof.
Alarums sound
Exeunt all, shouting ON-ON
Scene II
A blasted heath half way to Foster's Fun Land. The hashers are
unrecognisable. A number have drowned crossing two raging torrents and Jan
Bateson has sunk to her ears in a puddle. All are covered in mud and several
shoes have been lost.The trail of flour has disappeared in the lashing rain.
Enter John, returning from St Nicholas' Abbey.
Derek: ARE YOU?
John: To be or not to be,
That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
To follow the rings and arrows of outrageous hashers
Or return to find the loathsome hares
And by strangulation, end them.
Jan: But soft! What light through yonder tree fork breaks?
It is a dot and then another.
Arise fair hashers, the trail is found
Let's to the beach!
Peppermint: Out! Out! damned spots
Exeunt all, shouting as before
Scene III
Morgan Lewis Beach. The waves pound the shore. A bedraggled line of hashers
stumbles South, leaning into the wind. Only Malcolm Gibbons, delirious,
runs in the sea. Enter Mark Doctoroff, going North with an escort.
Mark: Hail fellows! Well met!
God and your legs be praised, victorious friends!
All: Oh, sod off, Mark.
Derek: Over hill and over dale
Through bog and beach
Through flood, through fire
I have hashed everywhere.
Swifter I, than Patti Roach
Picking up a sailor!
John: The on-in draws nigh!
Those hares shall burn in never quenching fire.
Come! Let us rid the world of their foul presence.
John rushes to the bar and collapses, weeping. Slowly the other hashers
stagger in and order Banks. Some are armed with axes and prepare to execute
the hares.
Scene IV
The bar. James and Rob are on their knees before the podium. Derek, dressed
in the RA's regalia stands on the podium and gives orders that the shit
shirt be made particularly revolting for the occasion. The pig is roasting
in the China box, but many hashers feel that the hares should take its place.
Derek: O, be thou damned, inexecrable dogs!
Peppermint: Who me?
Alison: The quality of mercy is not strain'd.
It droppeth like this downpour from heaven
Upon the bog beneath.
GUILTY!
Derek: Thou hast undone thyselves. Prepare to die.
I shame to hear thee speak, O timorous wretches.
Thou hast besmirched us with mud and set a most piteous hash.
Some are born shits, some achieve shittiness And some have shittiness thrust
upon them.
But thou takest the biscuit.
Therefore, DRINK !
The hares don the shirt. Furious hashers cover them with mud and sand. Ruth
Palmer casts a bucket of cold water over them to express her appreciation of
the hash. The bar is opened and several more die in the rush.
Scene V
Unfortunately, Bacon never completed this scene because drunkenness overtook
him, or perhaps because he ate some of Elliot's pig. The only surviving
fragments of the manuscript refer disjointedly to a game of cricket and a
tug-of-war on the beach. How exciting the final d_nouement may have been can
best be judged from the following scrap of dialogue, scribbled at the bottom
of the last quarto, apparently referring to the tug-of war.
Annie Seymour: Men of HMS Boxer! Take up the slack! PULL!
Malcolm Gibbons: Hashers of the BHHH! Take up the slack: PUSH!
Exeunt all, thoroughly plastered after a great day at the beach. Thanks to
the hares and to all those who joined in the fun.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
By Richard Lederer (copyrighted material)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,
Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob
was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did
not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon,
one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer
also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses
endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw
the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens
was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no
wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to
see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore
garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in
the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free
man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of
Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself
in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill
the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator
who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called
the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean,
and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the
Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to
them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and
many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone
walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our
Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is
strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the
ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off
the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas
came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat
on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life
were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which
ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SWEET LOVIN'
Abortion
A Few of My Favorite Things
All My Jism
A-Rovin'
"A," You're a Big Bimbo
"A", You've Got Asshole Stains
Ali Boogie
Ball of Yarn
Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies
Be My Guest
Big Bamboo
Blew by You
Boom, Oooh, Yakatata
By the Light
Bye, Bye Cherry
Chapped Hide
Christopher and Alice
Come and Sit On My Face If You Love Me
Crock of Shit
Cucumber Song
Don't that Bastard Get any Bigger?
Don't Say No
Do You Fuck on First Dates?
Engineer's Dream
Enormous Penis Song
Fanny Bay
Fondle Me With Care
Furburger King
Gang Bang
Gender Bender Song
Get it Up, Get it In
Give Me a Clone
God Bless My Underpants
Gonorrhea
Great Big Wheel
Green Grow the Rashes O
Hand Solo Song
Harvest of Love
Hello Penis
Herpes Family
Herpes Song
Hot Vagina
Hot Vagina Redeux
How Ashamed I Was
How to Handle a Date
I Don't Want to Join the Army
I Don't Want to Join the Convent
If I Were the Marrying Kind
I Like Cock
I Like Cunt
I'll Never Piss Again
I Love My Wife
I Put My Hand
I Put My Lips
Isn't it Awfully Nice to Have a Penis?
Isn't it Great to Have a Clitoris?
I've Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard-On
Jamaica Farewell
Keyhole Song
La Cock
Let Me Ball You Sweetheart
Let's Screw
Little Penis
Long and Thin
Lotsa Fucking
Man Trap
Marriage a la Mode
Masturbata
Masturbation (Fornication)
Masturbation Song
My Little Pink Panties
No Balls at All
Nude
One-Eyed Trouser Snake
One Twat
Oral Sex
Penis Breath
Portions of a Woman
Pregnancy (and Variations)
Pubic Hairs!
Put Your Left Leg Over My Shoulder
Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriers)
Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders (Harriettes)
Put Your Thighs on My Shoulders
Rawhide
Real Story of Gilligan's Island
Ringadangdoo
Roll Me over in the Clover
Rotten Cocksuckers' Ball
Rubber Dickie
Rubber Dildo
Seven Nervous Days
Sex is Boring
She Had Big Mountains . . .
Sit on My Face (two versions)
Sit on My Face and Tell Me That You Love Me
Square Dance
Sunstroke, Syphilis, Varicose Veins
Supercallousflagellisticsexpect-cunnilingus
Syphilis
Take Me Out For a Good Ball
Take Me Out to the Gang Bang
The Triangle
These Foolish Things
Waves and Waves
Wedding Song
When the End of the Month Rolls Around
Who Is In the Kitchen With Ah Hin?
Who Needs Sex?
Will You Marry Me?
ABORTION
Melody - Jada
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak HHH
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well you get that poker nice and hot,
Then you shove it way up in her twat.
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sticks and coat hangers and all the rest,
But I like Drano, it's the best.
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, south,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her mouth.
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, down,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her brown.
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
They may be fat and they may be thin,
But - they 're all beauty queens when you get it in.
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Hand Job , Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Hand Job, Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
You wrap your hand around your gland,
You slap it around 'til it just won't stand.
Hand Job , Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She wraps her legs around your face,
You lick and slobber all over the place.
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Back door, cornhole, it's a gas,
You ram that pecker right up her ass.
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well it's mangy, rangey, and covered with hair,
But what would you do if it wasn't there?
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
you put the sheep's legs inside your boots,
so she won't change her mind when you're about to shoot.
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She'll swallow it all and she'll swallow it well,
She'll swallow it all 'cause she ain't on the pill.
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Taint, Taint, T-A-i-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's not the ass and it's not the cunt,
It's the little bit of heaven 'tween the rear and the front.
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's white and cheesy, and it smells like taint,
But if you eat too much, you're liable to faint.
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Northside, southside, eastside, west,
My baby likes it best when I cum on her chest.
Oh Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well they're just a part of the epiderm,
But I like 'em best when they're big and firm.
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Melody - A Few of My Favorite Things
HARRIERS:
Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring,
Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole thing,
It works just fine and it's also quite safe,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dawn breaks,
When I wake up,
And it's feeling hard,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Penthouse and Playboy and something called Forum,
They're what I use to help start something going,
Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm lonely,
Really lonely,
By myself again,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
HARRIETTES:
Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly,
That's what I use to set fires in my belly,
In and out up and down making me wet,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Men are useless,
I don't need them,
I'm the best I've had,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books,
Make me excited - I'm starting to cook,
I stir me up and the honey will come,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm thinking,
Of a hard cock,
But I don't see one,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And that's when it feels so good.
ALL MY JISM
Melody - All My Lovin'
Composed by Crabs, San Francisco HHH, for Gay to Flakers '95
HARRIERS:
Close your eyes, spread your legs,
Let me fertilize your eggs,
Remember, I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll beat off every day,
And send all my jism to you.
HARRIETTES:
He'll pretend to be kissing,
The lips used for pissing,
While fondling his balls so blue.
And then while I'm not home,
He'll be stroking his bone,
And sending his jism to me.
HARRIERS:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, alllllll my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
HARRIETTES:
I will sing this bright chorus,
While I rub my clitoris,
With my dildo so tried and true.
And then while you're away,
I will vibrate away,
And send all my jism to you.
HARRIERS:
All my jism, I will send to you.
All my jism, you can have my spew.
All my jism, alllllll my jism,
All my jism, I will send to you.
A-ROVIN'
Melody - I'll No More Go A-Rovin'
Contributed by Zippy
In Amsterdam there lived a maid,
Mark well what I do say.
In Amsterdam there lived a maid,
And she was mistress of her trade.
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
Chorus:
A-rovin', a-rovin', since rovin' been my ru-i-in,
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
I put my hand upon her knee.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her knee.
She said, "Young man, you're rather free."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
I put my hand upon her thigh.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her thigh.
She said, "Young man, you're rather high."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
I put my hand upon her snatch.
Mark well what I do say.
I put my hand upon her snatch.
She said, "Young man, that's my main hatch."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
She rolled me over on my back.
Mark well what I do say.
She rolled me over on my back.
And fucked so had my balls did crack
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
And then I slipped her on the blocks
Mark well what I do say.
And then I slipped her on the blocks
She said, "Young man, I've got the pox."
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
And when she spent my whole year's pay,
Mark well what I do say.
And when she spent my whole year's pay,
She slipped her anchor and sailed away.
I'll go no more a-rovin' with you, fair maid.
"A," YOU'RE A BIG BIMBO
Melody - "A," You're Adorable
By Flying Booger
When (harrier's name) was serenading (harriette's name),
He sure could quote a lot of poetry
But he'd much rather tell her
What he learned in his classroom
When they both attended PS Thirty-Three . . .
A, you're a big bimbo,
B, you've got boobs not brains,
C, you go for any cock at all,
D, like ev'ry dumbass skirt,
E, you exist to flirt,
F, did I hear a pussy fart?
G, you've got gonorrhea,
H, pubic hair to your knees,
I, eyes that sneak and peek and twitch,
J, you can jack my jizz,
K, you can kiss my phizz,
L, you're a lyin' two-faced bitch,
M-N-O-P, menstrual stains on your sheet,
Q-R-S-T, alphabetically speaking you're a C-U-N-T
U, make my penis ooze,
V-D down to your feet,
W-X-Y-Z,
I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Harriers what you mean to me.
"A," YOU'VE GOT ASSHOLE STAINS
Melody - "A," You're Adorable
When (harriette's name) was serenading (harrier's name),
She sure could quote a lot of poetry
But she'd much rather tell him
What she learned in her classroom
When they both attended PS thirty-three . . .
A, you've got asshole stains,
B, you've got balls for brains,
C, you've hardly got a cock at all,
D, like a dorker's tool,
E, your ass exudes stool,
F, your farts smell like fucking shit,
G, you've got gonorrhea,
H, hemorrhoids to your knees,
I, eyes that run and bleed and itch,
J, you can jack your jizz,
K, you can kiss my phizz,
L, fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch,
M-N-O-P, menstrual blood on your prick,
Q-R-S-T, alphabetically speaking you're S-H-I-T
U, make my pussy itch,
V-D down to your feet,
W-X-Y-Z,
I love to wander through the alphabet with you,
To tell the Hash what you mean to me.
ALI BOOGIE
Melody - ???
CHORUS:
I boogied last night,
And the night before,
I'm goin' back tonight,
And boogie some more.
Mama's on the bottom,
Papa's on the top,
Baby's in the attic,
Fillin' rubbers with snot.
Mama's on the bottom,
Papa's on the top,
Baby's in the cradle yellin',
"Shove it to 'er, Pop!"
Mama's in the hospital,
Papa's in jail,
Sister's in the corner cryin',
"Pussy for sale!"
I got a gal,
About six-foot four,
She fucks everything,
Like a two-bit whore.
I got a gal,
She lives on a hill,
She won't fuck,
But her sister will.
Papa's got a watch,
Mama's got a ring,
Sister's got a baby,
From shakin' that thing.
One and one makes two,
Two and two makes four,
If the bed breaks down,
We'll fuck on the floor.
BALL OF YARN
Melody - Little Ball of Yarn
CHORUS:
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
That's when I spun her little ball of yarn.
It was in the month of June, when the flowers are in bloom,
I found her sitting out behind the barn.
As she shoveled up the gobs, I gently pinched her knobs,
And asked to spin her little ball of yarn.
She undressed before my sight, we went at it all the night,
Her little body shaking stem to stern.
And the blackbird and the robin, saw her little butt a'bobbin,
As I spun her little ball of yarn.
It was two months after that, in the office where I sat,
Never dreaming she had done me any harm.
And a doctor dressed in white, said, "Man, your pecker is a sight,
It's been tangled in a little ball of yarn."
It was nine months to the day, in the bathtub where I lay,
I felt a heavy hand upon my arm.
And a policeman with a hose, said, "Get up and get your clothes,
You're the father of a little ball of yarn."
In my prison cell I sit, with my fingers full of shit,
The shadow of my pecker on the wall.
And the ladies as they pass, stick hatpins in my ass,
And little mice play hopscotch with my little ball of yarn.
THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBITT HILLBILLIES
Melody - The Beverly Hillbillies
Contributed by Ian Cumming, New York HHH
Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis that is, clean cut, missed his nuts)
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
(Curve that is, pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there,"
To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found that is, by a fence, evidence)
Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all you're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream)
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
(Video that is, unexposed, case closed)
Ya all "cum" back now, ya hear!
BE MY GUEST
Melody - Be Our Guest (from the movie "Beauty and the Beast")
Contributed by Spikes, Whips, and Poles, Heidelberg HHH, who credits the new
lyrics to non-hashers John P. Daly and Scott Danby
Be my guest
Be my guest
Put my service to the test
Wrap your legs around my waist cherie
And I will do the rest
Menage a trois, 69
Without your clothes you look just fine
Try the white stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask da bitches
They can scream, they can moan
When I give them all the bone
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants
Then take a look, a glance
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
Be my love
Be my slave
Let's kick back and watch some Dave
I'll prepare
Extraordinaire
And then I'll spelunk in your cave
We're alone and you're scared
But the bedroom's all prepared
No one's ever been complaining
Cuz I'm always entertaining
I sell smokes, you turn trix
I'm the dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me head
You're such a nice young lass
Come on and shake your ass
Be my guest
If you're stressed
It's my love spear I suggest
Be my guest
I'm the best
Be my guest!
Life is disconcerting
To a flirter who's not flirting
He's not whole without a soul
To jump upon
Ah those good old days when I was fruitful
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn
Three weeks it's been missing
Needing so much more than kissing
Needing exercise, a chance to use its skill
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walk in and I go crazy
It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Sakes alive she's got a chest
Wine's been poured
And I've been bored
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast
With dessert she'll want me
With some luck we'll make it three
While the bed starts in a-squeaking
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking
You'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest
She's my guest
My command is your request
It's been three weeks since
I've seen anybody's peaks
And I'm obsessed
You're a treat, you're a tease
Yes indeed I aim to please
Through the night we'll keep a-going
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing
Thrust by thrust
One by one
Till you shout "Enough, I've come"
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
And I'll start to eat up
Be my guest
I'm the best!
BE MY GUEST!
BIG BAMBOO
Melody - Working For the Yankee Dollar
I asked my lady what should I do,
To make her happy, not make her blue,
She said, "The only thing I want from you,
Is a little bitty of the big bamboo."
CHORUS:
She wanted the big bamboo, bamboo,
Eye eye-eye eye-eye-eye,
Working for the Yankee dollar.
So I gave her a coconut,
She said, "I like him, he's okay,
But there's just one thing that worries me,
What good are the nuts without the tree?"
So I sold my lady a banana plant,
She said, "I like him, he's elegant,
We should not let him go to waste,
But he's much too soft to suit my taste."
So I bought my lady a sugar cane,
The fruit of fruits, I did explain,
But she was tired of him very quick,
She said, "I'd rather get my lips around your dip stick."
So I gave my honey a rambutan,
Soft and prickly, how the juices ran,
She said, "I've seen a fruit like this before,
But it had a long stalk and two pips in the core."
She met a chinaman, Him Hung Low,
They got married, went to Mexico,
But she divorced him very quick,
She said, "I want bamboo, not chopstick."
BLEW BY YOU
Melody - Blue Bayou?
Contributed by Mike "SmallBone" Featherston
I feel brand new; I've got a healthy mind.
It's getting better all of the time
Since I left my old girl behind and got blew by you.
Savin' nickels, saving dimes.
Puttin' em where the sun don't shine
Lookin' forward to the next time I get blew by you.
I'm coming back today, I save my pay to get blew by you.
Oh, it feels real fine, only costs a dime to get blew by you.
Wo' you raised my hopes when you reached for the soap, it's more than I had
dreamed
Oh, your suntanned thighs, your moans and cries, how happy I'll be.
I can't wait to see you again.
Until then I'll just use my hand
I know I'll feel better again, when I'm blew by you.
Roses on my piano are nice, but two lips on my organ all night
Make me crazy cause I sure like to get blew by you.
I'm coming back real soon at the midnight moon for that special trick
Cause there ain't no doubt when your teeth come out, you really got it licked.
Oh, I just can't hide how I feel inside when we play horsey and I get to ride
If Cosell would show and call it blow by blow, he'd go cross-eyed.
All the guys on the farm would give their right arm to get blew by you!
BOOM, OOOH, YAKATATA
Melody - Will You Kiss Me Tonight
CHORUS (CONTINUOUSLY):
Boom, oooh, yakatata
Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone?
Will you go to bed with your see-through nightie on?
Will you reach out for your little plastic friend,
Put some baby oil around it's throbbing end?
Will you spare a thought for me while I'm gone?
Will you laugh with your friend over which is long?
Will you slide it up your thighs and up to your crack,
Smile to yourself, Thank God he's not back?
Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone?
'Cause the batteries in your friend have almost gone,
And you never could make that charger thing come on?
So now you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone, try a banana,
'Cause you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone,
Ya bitch.
BY THE LIGHT
Melody - By the Light of the Flickering Moon
By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw her snatch,
In the watermelon patch.
By the light (by the light, by the light),
Of a flickering match,
I saw it gleam, I heard her scream,
You are burning my snatch,
With your fucking match.
BYE BYE CHERRY
Melody - Bye Bye Blackbird
From the songbook of the 43rd Tactical Fighter Squadron, Elmendorf A.F.B.,
Alaska
Back your ass against the wall,
Here I come, balls and all,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Won't your mother be disgusted,
When she finds your cherry's busted,
Bye, bye, cherry!
Wrap your legs around a little tighter,
I can feel my load is getting lighter,
Shake your ass and wiggle your tits,
Till my little pecker spits,
Cherry, bye bye!
CHAPPED HIDE
Melody - Rawhide
Ballin', ballin', ballin',
That boy he keeps on callin',
His crabs, they keep on crawlin',
Chapped hide!
You thought he was the right one,
But he was a one-night stand one,
He's shootin' blanks with his gun,
Chapped hide!
Pick him up, take him home, ride him hard, make him moan!
Wake him up, saddle up, Send him home!
Chapped hide . . . Yee Haw!!
CHRISTOPHER AND ALICE
Singsong Nursery Rhyme
Contributed by Ian Cumming, who offers the following explanation: "'Plate' (verb
transitive) is short for Plate of Ham, rhyming slang for Gam, short for
Gamarouche, slang for Cunnilingus, or more specifically Penilingisism."
Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin went down on Alice.
"Dear little Christopher knows his stuff,
At 'Trying the Beard' and 'Noshing the Muff.'"
- Says Alice
Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace,
Christopher Robin's still gobblin' Alice.
"One more time, then after lunch,
I'll reciprocate and 'Munch the Trunch.'"
- Says Alice
Christopher Robin is getting his knob in,
Alice is down and gobblin' Robin.
She won't say a word while 'Tonguing the Tool,'
"Cos it's rude to talk when your mouth is full."
- Says Alice
They're plating away at Buckingham Palace,
Alice plates Robin and Robin plates Alice.
They're laying down upon the turf,
"Nothing compares with a Soixante Neuf."
- Says Alice
COME AND SIT ON MY FACE IF YOU LOVE ME
Melody - Red River Valley
Contributed by Sky Queen, St Louis/Belleville HHH; also known as "Take It in the
Hand, Mrs Murphy"
Come and sit on my face, if you love me,
Come and sit on my face, if you care,
And I'll drink from your Red River Valley,
And munch on your curly pubic hairs.
Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle,
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I would fly to the ends of creation,
And I'd butt-fuck the Man in the Moon.
Oh, take it in the hand, Mrs Murphy,
It feels just like a rolling pin.
But if you roll it between your hands,
It'll take some time to be useful again.
Oh, take it in the mouth, Mrs Murphy,
It only weighs a quarter of a pound.
It's got hairs round its neck like a turkey,
And it spits when you shake it up and down.
Oh, take it between the breasts, Mrs Murphy,
And look it staight in its one eye.
It will lie at peace between your bosom,
Until finally milk-tears you cry.
Oh, place it between your legs, Mrs Murphy,
It is just aching to crawl inside.
It has a helmet on its head like a soldier,
And it will shoot all its ammo, then die.
Oh, but never touch Flying Booger's (insert hasher's name), Mrs Murphy,
It seems his is covered with scabs.
His's has warts all over like a horny toad,
And is protected by an army of crabs.
CROCK OF SHIT
Melody - Unknown (slow blues)
Contributed by Zippy
I've been married thirty years,
Shared my hopes and shared my fears,
What I made, spent ev'ry bit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.
I sent all my kids to school,
Now they think that I'm a fool,
They don't like me 'cause I spit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.
After work most every night,
I came home - we had a fight,
My wife always was a wit,
Man this love's a crock of shit.
If you haven't yet got wed,
Listen close to what I've said,
Freedom's still within your mitt;
Man this love's a crock of shit.
CUCUMBER SONG
Melody - Botany Bay
A restless young lady from Phuket,
Developed a wonderful trend,
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure,
'Cause she found they were better than men.
CHORUS:
So line up for your cucumbers, ladies,
They're selling for two bucks apiece,
Your frustrated days are all over,
'Cause cucumbers never get pissed.
In Asia they're eaten with chilies,
In Britain they're put between bread,
But in Phuket we use them as teddies,
'Cause we know that they'll never want head.
They'll never leave stains on the mattress,
They're happy to live in the fridge,
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.
So watch out you self-centered guys,
You're not quite as great as you think,
There's no guarantee it will work again,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.
DON'T THAT BASTARD GET ANY BIGGER?
Melody - Put Another Log On the Fire
Don't that bastard get any bigger?
I bet some bitch bit off the last three feet,
It's wrinkled like a six week old banana,
And got a limp a cripple couldn't beat.
Come on, baby,
Can't you make it go any faster?
And don't forget to let me get there first.
Don't that bastard get any bigger?
You're lucky someone understands, like me.
Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
And don't forget my birthday's in a week,
What about the tennis courts you promised,
And how about Hawaii for a break?
Come on, baby,
Climb another rung in that ladder,
You haven't had a pay raise since New Year's.
Don't that paycheck get any fatter?
You're lucky someone understands, like me.
Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
Jesus, why do you have to work so hard?
You never stay at home on the weekends,
No wonder your banana's never ripe.
Come on, baby,
You hang around the office till all hours,
I bet you've got a brand new secretary,
Don't let that heart rate go any faster,
You're lucky someone understands, like me.
DON'T SAY NO
Melody - ???
Oh my darling, don't say no,
Onto the sofa you must go.
Up with your petticoat,
Down with your drawers,
You tickle mine,
And I'll tickle yours.
DO YOU FUCK ON FIRST DATES?
Melody - Unknown
Contributed by Mike "SmallBone" Featherston (copyrighted material?)
I've blown too much of my time,
Buying dinner and wine.
And my money on flowers and lollys,
Only to find that what's on my mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry.
So I made up some lines
To save wasting time
And to keep me from spending my brass.
I'm ever so cool; I just prop on a stool
Right next to hers and I ask,
"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
'Cause you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest.
This face'll be leaving in quarter of an hour
I'd like you to be on it."
Well you know how it is when you first meet a Sheila
And the bullshit you gotta' go through
Like callin' her up and tellin' her you love her
When all you want is just a screw.
And how she wants to hold hands and you to meet her Old Man.
And sit around for hours and talk
Well, my new method is, you just cut through the gizz
And get down to the goodies straight off.
"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
Do you sleep in the nude?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine, we can fuck of then.
You know how it is when you see a good looking Sheila
And you'd give a weeks pay just to hold her.
Don't sit acting dumb. Just face her full on
Remember the lines that I told ya'
Now this method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will.
I've been spat at and slapped and kneed in the 'nads
But then I've had a few fucks as well.
"Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your Dad own a brewery?
Can I feel your tits?
Or will you show them to me?
If the answer is no, to the questions above.
Be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does!
THE ENGINEER'S DREAM
Melody - The Great Wheel
An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-humm, ah-humm,
An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-humm, ah-humm,
An engineer told me before he died,
I have no reason to believe he lied.
Ah-humm, ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm-ah-humm,
He had a wife with a cunt so wide (three times),
That she could never be satisfied.
So he built a bloody great wheel (three times),
Two balls of brass and a prick of steel.
The balls of brass he filled with cream (three times),
And the whole fucking issue was driven by steam.
He tied her wrists to the head of the bed (three times),
He tied her feet above her head.
There she lay demanding a fuck (three times),
He shook her hand and wished her luck.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel (three times),
In and out went the prick of steel.
Up and up went the level of steam (three times),
Down and down went the level of cream.
Till at last the maiden cried (three times),
"Enough! Enough! I'm satisfied!"
(Slowly . . .)
Now we come to the tragic bit (three times),
There was no way of stopping it.
(Back to speed . . .)
Round and round went the bloody great wheel (three times),
In and out went the prick of steel.
Up and up went the level of steam (three times),
Down and down went the level of cream.
She was split from ass to tit (three times),
And the whole fucking issue was covered in,
Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses,
Covered all over from ass to tit,
Covered all over in SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
Other endings (optional):
The moral of this story is mighty clear (three times),
Never fuck an engineer.
The last time, sir, that prick was seen (three times),
It was over in England fucking the Queen.
It jumped off her, it jumped on him (three times),
And then it buggered their next of kin.
It jumped upon an uptown bus (three times),
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss.
Nine months later a child was born (three times),
With two brass balls and a bloody great horn.
Now we come to the bit that's grim (three times),
It finished with her and started on him.
Now we come to the bit that's blue (three times),
It finished with him and it's looking for YOU!
ENORMOUS PENIS SONG
Melody Itself
Whenever life gets you down,
Keeps you wearin' a frown,
And the gravy train has left you behind,
And when you're all out of hope,
Down at the end of your rope,
And nobody's there to throw you a line.
If you ever get so low,
That you don't know which way to go,
Come on and take a walk in my shoes,
Never worry 'bout a thing,
Got the world on a string,
'Cause I've got the cure for all of my blues.
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my troubles start a-meltin' away,
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my happy times are comin' to stay,
I gotta sing and I dance,
When I glance in my pants,
And I'm feelin' like a sunshiny day,
I take a look at my enormous pe-e-e-nis,
And a-everything is goin' my way
(happy whistle interlude)
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my troubles start a-meltin' away,
I take a look at my enormous penis,
And my happy times are comin' to stay,
Yeah I got great big amounts,
In the place where it counts,
And I'm feelin' like a sunshiny day,
I take a look at my enormous pe-e-e-nis,
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(My trouser monster)
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(My meat is murder)
And a-everything is goin' my way,
(Size doesn't matter)
Everything is goin' my waaaaaaay,
Yum.
FANNY BAY
Melody - Botany Bay
Contributed by Zippy
If you ever go across the sea to Darwin,
Then maybe at the closing of the day,
You will see the local harlots at their business,
And watch the sun go down on Fanny Bay.
Some are black and some are white,
And some are brindle,
And some are young
Ad some are old and grey,
But what will cost you twenty quid
In Lower Crown Street,
Will cost you half a zac in Fanny Bay.
FONDLE ME WITH CARE
Melody - Handle Me With Care
I've been sucked off and I've been struck down,
I've been pulled off and I've been pulled around,
But you're the best fuck that I've ever found,
Fondle me with care.
CHORUS:
I'm so tired of feeling horny,
I still have some cum to give,
Won't you show me all your pubic hairs,
Everybody, wants somebody, to cream on,
Put your body, next to mine, and dream on.
I've had it thin and I've had it thick,
Had my lumps and I've had my licks,
But when you play with my prick,
Fondle me with care.
I've got big red bloodshot eyes,
We stayed up and drank all night,
When I exposed myself to your wife,
She fondled me with care.
Well I flashed my dick and terrorized,
Put my tongue between your thighs,
Bend over baby and I'll sodomize,
Fondle me with care.
Well, my balls are tight and I've made a mess,
I'll have to clean up my act I guess,
Let me put my hand up your dress, and,
Fondle you with care.
FURBURGER KING
Melody - Burger King Jingle
Hold my pickle, I'll eat your lettuce,
Cunnilingus don't upset us,
All we ask is that you let us,
Have it your way.
Have it your way - sit on my face,
Have it your way - give us a taste,
Have it your way at Furburger King.
(I WANT A) GANG BANG
Melody - Ta-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra, Boom-De-Ay
(Take turns leading verses)
CHORUS:
I want a gang bang if I could,
Because a gang bang feels so good.
When I was younger and in my prime,
I used to gang bang all the time.
Now I'm older and getting gray,
I only gang bang once a day.
Leader: Knock, knock.
Pack: Who's there?
Leader: Ida.
Pack: Ida who?
Leader: Ida want another gang bang if I could,
Because a gang bang feels so good, etc.
OTHER VERSES:
Mister Bush/Mister Bush and came on her stomach
Ben/Ben dover and have another
Turner/Turner over and have another
Sam and Janet/Sam and Janet evening I'd have a
Bob/Bob down and let's have another
Orange/Orange you glad I didn't say Bob down and let's have another
Ranger/A ranger her for best entry at the
Oliver/Oliver clothes were off at the
Peter Meter/My peter'll meet her at the
Dolly Parton/Dolly's partin' her thighs at the
Tijuana/Tijuana bring your mama to the
Kissinger/Kissinger's great but fuckin' her's better at the
Betty/Betty'll have a sore dick at the
Europa/Europa to the bed post for the
Extinct/Extinct like fish at the
Eileen/Eileen her over the sofa at the
Sharon/Sharon share alike at the
Hedda/Hedda lotta sex at the
Mason Dixon/Mason's Dixon's a girl at the
Ima/Ima glad we had this
Eisenhower/Eisenhower late for the
Witchy/Witchy one your gonna fuck at the
Kenya/Kenya gimme directions to the
M.R./M.R. some nice-a tits at the
Charlie Pride/Charlie pried her legs apart at the
Banana/Banana na na na na na . . .(and so on)
THE GENDER BENDER SONG
Melody - Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive"
Contributed by Black Hole, The Hague HHH
I used to be a man, now I'm sterilized.
Thinking why do I need a woman, always by my side?
So now I spend so much time, simply playin' with myself,
You know I cum so well alone, I don't need nobody else.
Oh no not I, I will survive,
I've had my HIV tested, and I think I'll stay alive.
Maybe I gotta a month, or perhaps even two, who gives a shit anyway,
If I didn't fuck you
So turn your back, grease out your rear.
Stick out your arse now, and I'll fuck you right here.
It don't really matter, if you're a guy or a girl
I am a Gender Bender, I make the meek & humble hurl.
Oh no not I, I will survive, if you like forget the rubbers, and we'll let
this virus thrive.
I really don't give a shit, cause it can't affect me, spread your cheeks now
bitch, I'll give you this one for free.
GET IT UP, GET IT IN . . .
Melody - Bonanza Theme
Composed by Rose-Eh, Toronto HHH
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
Hit the spot, make me hot
I will scream out loud
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
Suck my toes, insert your hose
Make my juices flow
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
When I am done and I have cum
We'll start another round
Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair do
You've got a dick but you should lick, move that tongue around
GIVE ME A CLONE
Melody - Home on the Range
Contributed by Zippy, Pike's Peak H4
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With its Y-chromosome changed to an X
And when it is grown
Then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.
CHORUS:
Clone, clone of my own
With your Y-chromosome changed to an X
And when I'm alone
With my own little clone
We will both think of nothing but sex.
Oh, give me a clone
Is my sorrowful moan,
A clone that is wholly my own.
And if she's an X
Of the feminine sex
Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone.
My heart's not of stone
As I've frequently shown
When alone with my own little X
And after we've dined
I'm sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.
Why should such sex vex
Or disturb or perplex
Or induce a disparaging tone.
After all, don't you see
Since we're both of us me
When we're having sex, I'm alone.
And after I'm done
She'll still have her fun
For I'll clone myself ere I die.
And this time without fail,
They'll be both of them male,
And they'll each ravish her by and by.
GOD BLESS MY UNDERPANTS
Melody - God Bless America
Written by Jim "Soar Balls" Blomquist
God bless my underpants,
Brand that I like,
Stand inside them,
And ride them,
Between my buns when I run or I bike.
From the waistband,
To the legholes,
To the fly flap,
Wet with piss,
God bless my underpants,
They look like this.
GONORRHEA
Melody - Vilikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike)
When I left old Phuket, 'twas just yesterday,
I was given these words by the dear old R.A.,
"Be careful young Hashman, I want you to hear,
Don't go and get pissed up and catch gonorrhea."
CHORUS:
Piss off with your troubles, I don't want to know,
I don't get embarrassed wherever I go,
I like to go whoring and drink lots of beer,
And I never worry about gonorrhea.
I went down to the river and there on the bank,
I saw an old man who was having a wank,
Disgusted, I told him it'll make him go blind,
He said, "Son, it's so good I really don't mind."
I went round to a friend's house making some calls,
His old dog was sitting there just licking its balls,
I said, "That looks nice, I'd like to try that,"
Well, okay, but first give old Fido a pat.
Into the Rock Hard I happened to stroll,
To sit and perv on some lovely young moll,
One sat down beside me, 'twas when I awoke,
For the last twenty minutes I'd been ogling a bloke.
While out in the jungle and running with Hash,
I felt like a blow job and I had some spare cash,
I offered a young lady the sum of ten bucks,
She said, "Wait for the G.M., they say that he sucks."
Well I finally caught it, and I'll tell you this,
You cannot drink beer, and it hurts you to piss,
I've a little red sore that looks just like a chancre,
But I'd rather be poxed up than like you, you wanker.
GREAT BIG WHEEL
Melody - The Great Wheel
Kiwi variation on "The Engineer's Song," above
Oh a Cowboy told me before he died
And I've got no reason to think he lied
That though he tried for most of his life
He just never could satisfy his wife.
CHORUS:
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went a rod of steel
I'll lay you money on a sure-fire bet
That bloody great wheel is turning yet.
So he mounted up a great big wheel
There upon a rod of steel
Two brass chambers a-filled with cream
And the whole bloody thing was run by steam.
Then he rolled it through the bedroom door
And the wheel started up with a great big roar
It rolled to his wife and rolled on top
And it pumped until she hollered stop.
But the bloody great wheel just rolled on through
'Till the cowboy's wife was split in two.
Then as if possessed by a monstrous whim
It turned around and mounted him.
It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast
Mounting all the people just a-strolling past
Covered them all with grease and cream
'Till it disappeared in a cloud of steam.
So if you ever see a bloody great wheel
There upon a rod of steel,
Run for the prairie or over the hill
Unless you're looking for a long-time thrill.
GREEN GROW THE RASHES O (Two Versions)
Melody - Green Grow the Rashes O
Version # 1 is the original Robert Burns version; version # 2 is a modern
takeoff
VERSION # 1:
CHORUS:
Green grow the rashes, O
Green grow the rashes, O
The lasses they hae wimble bores
The widows they hae gashes, O.
In sober hours I am a priest,
A hero when I'm tipsy-O;
But I'm a king and ev'ry thing
When wi' a wanton gypsie, O.
'Twas laye yestreen I met wi' ane,
An' wow, but she was gentle, O
Ae han' she put roun' my cravat
The tither to my pintle, O.
I dought na speak -- yet was na fley'd
My heart play'd duntie, duntie, O
And ceremony laid aside
I fairly fun' her cuntie, O.
VERSION # 2:
Green grow the rashes O,
Green grow the rashes O,
The sweetest bed I ever had,
Was the bellies of the lassies O.
We're all full from eating it,
We're all dry from drinking it,
The parson kissed the fiddler's wife,
And couldn't preach for thinking of it.
There's a pious lass in town
Godly Lizzy Lundy O,
She mounts the peak throughout the week,
But fingers it on Sunday O.
Lizzie is of large dimension,
There is not a doubt of it,
The soccer team went in last night,
And none has yet come out of it.
Jockie's wife she thought she'd shave it,
Threw him in a pretty passion,
Shouting he'd not have a wife,
Whose private parts were out of fashion.
HAND SOLO SONG
Melody - My Favorite Things
By Wings, performed at Mexican Mardigras Hash, April 2000
Handcuffs on bedposts and latex with jelly,
Whip marks on backsides and cum stains on bellies,
Nasty infections that ooze from my thing,
These are the memories from my last fling.
Ball grabbing sessions with shower falsettos
Blindfolds and butt plugs and high heeled stilettos
Sweaty transvestites performing from swings
These are the memories from my last fling.
Pink pocket pussies and dildos with mayonnaise
Hand jobs with duct tape and nipple clamp entrees
Edible panties on guys with cock rings
These are the memories of my last fling.
When the crabs bite, when my pee stings,
When I'm feeling sore,
I simply remember Hand Solo's around,
And then I scream out for more.
HARVEST OF LOVE
Melody - Itself
I rise at six and I feed the chicks,
And I'm feeling lonesome and blue,
And when I milk the cow it seems somehow,
My thoughts keep straying to you,
And as the horse and I plow the fields nearby,
Your mem'ry I can't erase,
'Cause when I walk at the rear of the horse, my dear,
I seem to see your face.
CHORUS:
I'm gonna sow the seeds of deep devotion,
Fertilize it with emotion,
Water it with warm desire,
And then I'll reap the harvest of love.
Side by side we'll take a ride
In my horse and buggy one day,
Down lover's lane I'll turn the reins,
And my horse will run out of hay,
And I will kiss those lips, those tempting lips,
The only one that can thrill me,
And we will frolic at night in the pale moonlight,
If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me.
HELLO PENIS
Melody - Sound of Silence
Hello penis my old friend,
I've come to play with you again,
When those wet dreams come a-creeping,
I spurt my seeds while I am sleeping,
And with your helmet firmly planted in my hand,
It will expand,
While jerking off in silence.
In horny dreams I get a bone,
I beat off on cobble stones,
Beneath the halo of a street lamp,
I see a whore who's getting very damp,
For five hundred baht in a flash she's on her back,
She spreads her crack,
And twitches her twat in silence.
Those who see and do not know,
How to make my penis grow,
I whipped you out so she might eat you,
I stuffed you up into her pussy spew,
And then my sperm, like silent raindrops fell,
And turned to gel,
While jerking off in silence.
And the ants came out and played,
In the fucking mess I'd made,
But in heeding daddy's warning,
That mum would find it in the morning,
So I rolled out of bed and wiped it up with my shirt,
God, what a squirt!
Jerking off in silence.
HERPES FAMILY
Melody - Addams Family Theme
They're goofy and they're itchy,
They make your girlfriend bitchy,
They hide out in her snitchy,
The Herpes Family!
CHORUS:
Da da da da (snap fingers twice),
Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da, Da da da da, Da da da da
You can hardly see 'em,
But when you start a-pee'n,
They really get ya screamin',
The Herpes Family!
HERPES SONG
Melody - She Loves You (Beatles)
I think I've got a dose,
And it's not the dripping kind,
It's the one that hurts the most,
And it makes you fucking blind.
CHORUS:
I think it's herpes and you know that can be bad,
Yeah that herpes, it can make you fuckin mad oooh,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah,
With a dose like that it's very, very sad.
I think I've got a dose,
And I got it yesterday,
I came so very close,
To giving it to the maid.
I know there's something wrong,
'Cause there's blisters on my knob,
And the skin's peeling off my dong,
And erections make it throb.
I'm going to see the quack,
'Cause I can't stand the pain,
I stuffed it up her crack,
But I won't do that again.
When the doctor took his knife,
I went deeply into sho-o-ck,
What will I tell my wife,
He's going to cut it off.
HOT VAGINA
Melody - The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You
Note can also be sung to The Yellow Rose of Texas
Hot vagina for your breakfast,
Hot vagina for your lunch,
Hot vagina for your dinner,
Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It's so speedy and nutritious,
Bite-size and ready to eat,
So take a tip, go eat your mom;
Hot vagina can't be beat.
HOT VAGINA REDEUX
Melody - Unknown
Alternate version by S&M&M&M Man and Lorena
Hot vagina in the morning,
Hot vagina all the time,
Just take out your pecker,
And insert it into the foaming brine,
Shove it in and blow your load,
Get ready for a tasty treat,
Do a 69 and start to dine,
Hot vagina can't be beat
Hot vagina in the morning,
Hot vagina all day long,
What a glorious feeling,
To have it warning up your schlong,
Don't be shy, just stick it in,
Get ready for a tasty treat,
Hot vagina for men and women too,
Hot vagina can't be beat
Hot vagina for a noon-time snack,
Hot vagina for a feast,
Hot vagina for a midnight snack,
Oh how we all love that yeast.
You don't need to be a man to have
Such fun eating trim,
Whether you're a dyke or man,
Just go on and dive right in!
HOW ASHAMED I WAS
Melody - Itself
I met her on the Hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the Hash, how ashamed I was,
I met her on the Hash - I thought I'd try a bash,
Oh gor blimey how ashamed I was!
OTHER VERSES:
I touched her on the knee - she said "You're fairly free."
I touched her on the thigh - she said "You're fairly high."
I touched her on the spot - she said "I'd rather not."
When I put it in - she said "You're rather thin."
Then when I did come - she said "You're up my bum."
So then I took it out - she said "No need to pout."
So I tried to put it back - but my prick had gone quite slack.
Then she took me in her hand - and she made my roger stand.
Then she climbed up on the top - I tried to make her stop.
She rode me like a horse - I came again, of course.
But still she wanted more - she must have been a whore.
And then my tool grew thinner - I couldn't keep it in her.
Then she called me a nasty name - "You fucking Hashers are all the same."
HOW TO HANDLE A DATE (DUET)
Melody - Que Sera, Sera
Written by Little Shit & friends, Austin HHH
HARRIER:
Take her hand, her hand, her hand,
It's time to stand, to stand,
You're the king of the land,
So take her hand.
HARRIETTE:
He's squeezing my hand, my hand, my hand,
I wish he'd take a stand, a stand,
This wimp of the land,
Quit squeezing my hand.
HARRIER:
Fondle her breast, her breast, her breast,
You know they're the best, the best,
They've passed all the tests,
So fondle her breasts.
HARRIETTE:
He's fondling my breast, my breast, my breast,
I know they're the best, the best,
They can pass any test,
So fondle my breast.
HARRIER:
Finger her twat, her twat, her twat,
Now you've hit the spot, the spot,
It gets her real hot,
When you finger her twat.
HARRIETTE:
He's poking my twat, my twat, my twat,
I bet he thinks he's hit the spot, the spot,
That makes me real hot,
Oh, quit poking my twat.
HARRIER:
So lay that pipe, that pipe, that pipe,
We know she's the type, the type,
She thinks she's real tight,
So lay that pipe.
HARRIETTE:
But what a small cock, small cock, small cock,
He thinks it's a lot, a lot,
Is that all he's got?
Oh, what a small cock.
HARRIER:
Roll over and sleep, and sleep, and sleep,
I gave her the meat, the meat,
It wasn't too deep,
But I got it real cheap.
HARRIETTE:
Wasn't it quick, so quick, so quick,
Just like a prick, a prick,
To give me a stick,
That's just too quick.
I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE ARMY
Melody - I Don't Want to Join the Army
I don't want to join the Army,
I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground,
Living off the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't want a bullet up me arsehole,
Don't want me buttocks shot away,
I want to stay in England,
Jolly, jolly England,
And fornicate me bloomin' life away, gor blimey . . .
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
On Wednesday, I confess, I lifted up her dress,
Thursday I saw you-know-what,
Friday I put me hand upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak (Tweak! Tweak!)
And Sunday after supper, I put the old boy up 'er,
And now she earns me forty bob a week, gor blimey.
I don't want to join the Navy,
I don't want to go to sea,
I just want to go down to old Soho,
Tickling all the girlies in the umtiddly-um-pum,
I don't want a bayonet up me arsehole,
I don't want me knackers shot away,
I'd rather live in England,
Merry, merry England,
And fornicate me fuckin' life away.
Call out the Regimental Army,
Call out the Navy and Marines,
Call out me mother,
Me sister and me brother,
But for God's sake,
Don't call me, gor blimey.
I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE CONVENT
Melody - I Don't Want to Join the Army
Composed by hashers unknown, likely for InterHash '92 in Phuket, Thailand
I don't want to join the convent,
Purity is really quite a bore,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't want to waste my life a virgin,
I don't want to count my rosary,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.
Monday I got myself deflowered,
Tuesday I moved into his house,
On Wednesday I declared, you Hashers aren't so bad,
Thursday a climax! Oh, gor blimey,
Friday he told me he was leaving,
Saturday he flew to Singapore,
And Sunday starts the party,
To celebrate his parting,
And now I've got eight weeks to fuck around, gor blimey.
I don't want to raise a family,
I'm not cut out for nine to five,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't care if I don't go to heaven,
I don't want to go there all alone,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.
IF I WERE THE MARRYING KIND
Melody - ???
If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a rugby full-back.
And he'd find touch, and I'd find touch,
We'd both find touch together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Finding touch together.
If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would wed,
Would be a rugby wing three-quarter.
And he'd go hard, and I'd go hard,
We'd both go hard together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Going hard together.
OTHER VERSES:
Centre three-quarter - pass it out.
Rugby fly-half - whip it out.
Rugby scrum-half - put it in.
Rugby hooker - strike hard.
Big pop-forward - bind tight.
Rugby referee - blow hard.
Spectator - come again.
I LIKE COCK
Melody - Three Blind Mice
I like cock,
I like cock,
See how they rise,
See how they rise,
They fit so nicely and feel so grand,
They come in all sizes, all shapes and brands,
There's nothing finer than making them stand,
'Cause I like cock,
I like cock.
I LIKE CUNT
Melody - Three Blind Mice
I like cunt,
I like cunt,
Ain't it cute,
Ain't it cute?
Up against railings I've often stood,
Fucking young ladies and doing them good,
It's so much better than pulling your pud,
'Cause I like cunt,
I like cunt.
I'LL NEVER PISS AGAIN
Melody - Battle Hymn of the Republic
Written by Barney & Derelict, Classic City HHH
My dick has felt the burning of the coming of the clap,
I've been clean all these years and now I've got a real bum rap,
That bitch said she was clean but she really was a liar,
'Cause now my dick's on fire.
CHORUS:
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire,
And I'll never piss again.
I saw her coming at me from across the Georgia bar,
Her ass was swinging wildly and her tits were sagging far,
I propped her on a barstool and I bought that bitch a drink,
Then I smelled that telltale stink.
Swedish Bees, Kamikazes, Stolies, and some brew,
My dick was getting hard, man, the big old Wally grew,
She reached into my pants and she pulled that monster out,
Then John Cleveland began to shout.
Well I should have listened to him 'cause he'd been with her before,
That must have been where he got that bloody festered sore,
I should have listened to him when he said she was a whore,
But you knows "Bo needs more."
So I took her on a hash run and that bitch ran fast and hot,
You could almost see the nasty stuff a-dripping out her slot,
And at the On-In, she told me she really wanted to fuck,
But I should have just let her suck.
Now I'm in the doctor's office sitting in the chair,
Nothing like a red hot poker way down deep in there,
The doctor pushed too far and my scrotum began to tear,
God, this really SUCKS.
I LOVE MY WIFE
Melody - Itself
I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do,
I love her truly,
I love the hole that she pisses through,
I love her lily white tits and her ruby red lips,
And her little brown asshole,
I'd eat her shit, gobble-gobble, chomp-chomp,
With a rusty spoon (with a rusty spoon).
I PUT MY HAND
Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home
I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her toe,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're way too low,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her knee,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're teasin' me,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her tit,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you're squeezin' it,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my hand upon her twat,
She said, "Hey Hasher, you've hit the spot,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now she lies in a wooden box,
From sucking too many Hasher's cocks,
Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I PUT MY LIPS
Melody - When Johnny Comes Marching Home
(Authorship claimed by Austin HHH Harriettes)
I put my lips upon his toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his toe,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're way too low,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his knee, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his knee,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're teasin' me,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his tit, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his tit,
He said, "Hey Harriet, I've just been bit,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his prick, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his prick, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
I put my lips upon his prick,
He said, "Hey Harriet, you're really sick,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!"
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now he lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now he lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
Now he lies in a wooden box,
From a severe case of small cox,
Suck in, suck out, quit fuckin' about!
Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho!
ISN'T IT AWFULL
