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The Ball of Kirriemuir
'Twas the gathering o' the clans,
And all the Scots were there,
A-skirlin' on their bagpipes,
And strokin' pussy hair.
Chorus:
Singing, "Who hae ye, lassie,
Who hae ye noo?
The ane that hae ye last time
He canna hae ye noo."
Maggie McGuire, she was there
A-showin' the boys some tricks,
And ye canna hear the bagpipes
For the swishin' o' the pricks.
Sandy MacPherson, he was there
And on the floor he sat,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And catchin' it in his hat.
The factor's wife, she was there,
Ass against the wall,
Shoutin' to the laddie boys,
"Come ye one an' all."
The factor's daughter, she was there,
Sittin' down in front,
A wreath of roses in her hair,
A carrot up her cunt.
The mayor's daughter, she was there
And kept the crowd in fits
By jumpin' off the mantle piece
And landin' on her tits.
The village idiot, he was there;
He was a perfect fool.
He sat beneath the oak tree
And whittled off his tool.
The chimney sweep, he was there,
But soon he got the boot,
For every time he farted,
He filled the room with soot.
Johnny McGregor, he was there,
A lad so brave and bold.
He pulled the foreskin over the end
And whistled through the hole.
Down in the square,
The village dunce he stands,
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself
And usin' both his hands.
There was fuckin' in the parlor.
There was fuckin' in the ricks.
Ye canna hear the music
For the swishin' o' the pricks.
There was fuckin' in the bedroom,
Fuckin' on the stair.
Ye canna see the carpet
For the come and curly hair.
The elders of the church,
They were too old to firk,
So they sat around the table
And had a circle jerk.
The bride was in the corner
Explainin' to the groom
The vagina, not the rectum,
Is the entrance to the womb.
The groom was excited
An' racin' 'round the hall
A-pullin' on his pecker
An' showin' off his balls.
The king was in the countin' house
A-countin' out his wealth.
The queen was in the parlor,
A-playin' wi' herself.
The queen was in the kitchen,
Eatin' bread and honey.
The king was in the kitchen maid
And she was in the money.
John Brown, the parson
Was quite annoyed to see
Four and twenty maidenheads
A-hangin' from a tree.
And when the ball was over,
The opinion was expressed:
Although they liked the music,
The fuckin' was the best. | 