This was adapted by Lt Col Joe Kent, who was at that time serving as the
Information Officer for the 12 TFW at Cam Ranh Bay. It was recorded in 1966,
with Kent as the Wing Information Officer and Col Travis McNeil (12 TFW DO)
playing the part of the captain. Although written by Joe Kent, this
is a variant on a WWII "What the Captain Means" (see Legman's "Bawdy Monologues
& Rhymed Recitations".
Correspondent: What do you think of the F-4?
Captain: It's so fuckin' maneuverable you can fly up your own ass with it.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that he has found
the F4C Phantom highly maneuverable at all altitudes and he considers it an
excellent aircraft for all missions assigned.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown a certain number of
missions over North Vietnam. What did you think of the SAMs used by the North
Vietnamese?
Captain: Why those bastards couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass
fiddle. We fake the shit out of them. There's no sweat.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that the
Surface-to-Air Missiles around Hanoi pose a serious problem to our air
operations and that the pilots have a healthy respect for them.
Correspondent: I suppose, Captain, that you've flown missions to the South.
What kind of ordnance do you use, and what kind of targets do you hit?
Captain: Well, I'll tell you, mostly we aim at kicking the shit out of
Vietnamese villages, and my favorite ordnance is napalm. Man, that stuff just
sucks the air out of their friggin' lungs and makes a sonovabitchin' fire.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that air strikes in
South Vietnam are often against Viet Cong structures and all operations are
always under the positive control of Forward Air Controllers, or FACs. The
ordnance employed is conventional 500- and 750-pound bombs and 20-millimeter
cannon fire.
Correspondent: I suppose you spent an R & R in Hong Kong. What were your
impressions of the Oriental girls?
Captain: Yeah, I went to Hong Kong. As for those Oriental broads, well, I
don't care which way the runway runs, east or west, north or south--a piece of
ass is a piece of ass.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that he found the
delicately featured oriental girls fascinating, and he was very impressed with
their fine manners and thinks their naivete is most charming.
Correspondent: Tell me, Captain, have you flown any missions other than over
North and South Vietnam?
Captain: You bet your sweet ass I've flown other missions. We get scheduled
nearly every day on the trail in Laos where those fuckers over there throw
everything at you but the friggin' kitchen sink. Even the goddamn kids got
slingshots.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that he has
occasionally been scheduled to fly missions in the extreme Western DMZ, and he
has a healthy respect for the flak in that area.
Correspondent: I understand that no one in your Fighter Wing has got a MIG
yet. What seems to be the problem?
Captain: Why you screwhead, if you knew anything about what you're talking
about--the problem is MIGs. If we'd get scheduled by those peckerheads at
Seventh for those missions in MIG Valley, you can bet your ass we'd get some of
those mothers. Those glory hounds at Ubon get all those missions while we settle
for fightin' the friggin' war. Those mothers at Ubon are sitting on their fat
asses killing MIGs and we get stuck with bombing the god damned cabbage patches.
Air Force Information Officer: What the Captain means is that each element in
the Seventh Air Force is responsible for doing their assigned job in the air
war. Some units are assigned the job of neutralizing enemy air strength by
hunting out MIGs, and other elements are assigned bombing missions and
interdiction of enemy supply routes.
Correspondent: Of all the targets you've hit in Vietnam, which one was the
most satisfying?
Captain: Well, shit, it was when we were scheduled for the suspected VC
vegetable garden. I dropped napalm in the middle of the fuckin' cabbage and my
wingman splashed it real good with six of those 750-pound mothers and spread the
fire all the way to friggin' beets and carrots.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that the great
variety of tactical targets available throughout Vietnam make the F4C the
perfect aircraft to provide flexible response.
Correspondent: What do you consider the most difficult target you've struck
in North Vietnam?
Captain: The friggin' bridges. I must have dropped 40 tons of bombs on those
swayin' bamboo mothers, and I ain't hit one of the bastards yet.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that interdicting
bridges along enemy supply routes is very important and a quite difficult
target. The best way to accomplish this task is to crater the approaches to the
bridge.
Correspondent: I noticed in touring the base that you have aluminum matting
on the taxiways. Would you care to comment on its effectiveness and usefulness
in Vietnam?
Captain: You're fuckin' right, I'd like to make a comment. Most of us pilots
are well hung, but shit, you don't know what hung is until you get hung up on
one of the friggin' bumps on that god damn stuff.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that the aluminum
matting is quite satisfactory as a temporary expedient, but requires some
finesse in taxiing and braking the aircraft.
Correspondent: Did you have an opportunity to meet your wife on leave in
Honolulu, and did you enjoy the visit with her?
Captain: Yeah, I met my wife in Honolulu, but I forget to check the calendar,
so the whole five days were friggin' well combat-proof--a completely dry run.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that it was
wonderful to get together with his wife and learn first-hand about the family
and how things were at home.
Correspondent: Thank you for your time, Captain.
Captain: Screw you--why don't you bastards print the real story, instead of
all that crap?
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is that he enjoyed the
opportunity to discuss his tour with you.
Correspondent: One final question. Could you reduce your impression of the
war to a simple phrase or statement, Captain?
Captain: You bet your ass I can. It's a fucked up war.
Air Force Information Officer: What the captain means is...it's a FUCKED UP
WAR.
